Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
The grand finale of failure awaits, one last chapter to go.
Mental Omega reads Terrible Fanfiction and Original Fiction
- Thread starter Spartakrod
- Start date
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
Thank heavens. My sympathies for what you had to endure here. A the very least, you should take a break and perhaps read the two fics I recced.
At least it'll be a step up from "just pure terribad horrible" to "actually decent, but full of WTF?".
Glitchrr36
Slick's Short Company, CEO
- Location
- The Wastes
- Pronouns
- He/Him
you know how she said her "internet boyfriend" did a "warhammer thing?" You should read that. and then find it to be amazing, and then enjoy it.
Or it is just as bad as this. who knows?
Or it is just as bad as this. who knows?
Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
She never mentioned his account name so I'd have an ass of a time finding it.
But yes, one last chapter to end this wretched saga, then I bring up candidates for the next fic (taking some of the suggestions I liked best and potential stinkers I found) and we have ourselves a vote.
Last edited:
- Location
- The Usual Room
- Pronouns
- He/Him
So, we're about to have a civil war over class president in a fanfic involving Metroid Characters?
Sure, why not?
Sure, why not?
CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
I'd rather you didn't call her a half-wit, because that is giving her intelligence entirely too much credit.
- Location
- North of England
- Pronouns
- She/They
Thanks for the service Fraulein SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA, I needed those brain cells gone.
Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
Hi internet, after much deliberation I decided to get back into reviews and finishing this travesty so I can slay the great demon and get on with my life and finally put my great fear of reading the final chapter of Metroid High School to rest. It can't be that bad after a-
Welcome to my special hell.
Well, at least her decision to compile the multiple chapters she had on her hard drive means I only have to eat one particularly large serving of crap rather than multiple servings.
"Future tomorrow"
"Help, I'm, Capitalising, Every, Word, After, A, Comma."
Correct me if I'm unfamiliar with 2009 era American slang, but I don't think "askout" was ever the term for a date. Also "the football", if I weren't already aware of the prior context of that...scene which caused me anger and a rant; I'd have assumed they were talking about a very large and important ball of especially magnificent grandeur. And it seems that three more years of education hasn't taught Samusridley4evachan that Cholera is not an STD.
Also, war stains what? Your polo shirt? Your sentence just kind of abrubtly ends without telling us anything. Don't they teach you anything at school? When I was fourteen I already had basics like these down to a decimal point. Of course that was literally a year ago but still. Come on you should know these things by now.
:|
;:|
I'm speechless. I am honestly actually speechless. This is it, this is the stupid singularity. A premise so mindbogglingly, appallingly, sense defyingly dumb that all possible directions only lead to more stupid as the stupidity has collapsed under its own weight and formed into a single point of infinitely dense stupid. There is no turning back, no undoing this monumental edifice to moronic lunacy.
We have actual grenades and machine gun fire being traded over the election of class president holy Dievas, Giltne and Perkunas I never thought I'd live to see the day when something this dumb would grace my eyes. It's almost beautiful in how utterly nonsensical the premise is. Also, my apologies for cutting out a bit of the text to the right, but that is supposed to read "too bad one of the ki-hinters". Ah, so Samus decided to take a forray into edutainment gaming eh? Faced by Spelling Pirates and Ki-Hinters who convene in a plot to ruin children's education!
And man, I could not care less about Helen's death. There's just...no way to get me to be motivated about this sort of thing. I mean, can anyone actually name any character trait of Helen? Hell can anyone even name an archetype she fit into? Why should I care that Tio Juan's "favourite girlfriend" got killed by a "river of death"? I didn't care when he got his girlfriend and I'm not gonna care that he lost it. Boo gosh dang hoo.
Also no, miss chan, you don't get to ask philosophical questions until you stop abusing that Thesaurus like a gimp.
Well, at least you aren't completely clueless about the words you're using. And thank the heavens you never touched Warhammer or star wars with your typing, because then I'd be asked to review it by my friends and then I'd have to cry myself to sleep. And man could you think of her writing in this decade? I'd have to bear her Homestuck and Undertale fiction! Auuugh it hurts just to contemplate the possibility!
...And what the hell is a Bozofits? That's not even a word...that's not even close to any word that would make sense in that context? Isn't it a good idea not to let your pet crawl all over the keyboard? Come to think of it, Bozofits sounds like some lame Joker henchman who gets offed in the same issue he's introduced in.
I'm going to ignore the "extruded" and the "pertruded" and whatever other abuses of "truded" miss samusridley4eva wants to use because I quite frankly cannot be arsed to care anymore, but I'm not letting industrial espionage go. No, that's something done in the corporate sector, not in war time, stop trying to be clever by throwing in words and terms you don't know the meaning of!
"You have my body" Ridley legolassed.
...
........
........................
......................................................
...............................................................................!!!
There's...other stuff about them suiting up to kick ass, but...I've been emotionally scarred by that line.
And just like that, the nearly whole cast of Metroid Prime Hunters is disposed of like garbage with all the respect for their characters you'd expect out of Tara Gilesbie. And also perhaps one of the worst written fight scenes that ever had any effort put into them. I personally think my action chops are terrible no matter what other people tell me, but everything about the action displayed here is absolutely rancid. Nothing of value can be redeemed here; nothing in the way of tension, of adrenaline, of anything good or decent can be rescued from this pile of garbage. It's ugly, it's wretched, and it makes me wish she'd just go back to anti-climaxes because it's clear she wouldn't know action from her left buttcheek.
Like...there's so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Kraid going all Bane on us and bulking up? Ridiculous lines like "I have you in my foot?" or Mother brain shouting "SINNEERRRS!" louder than a thousand tumblr users finding somebody's gross sex headcanon. Do I start with Ridley suddenly gaining eye-beams, an ability he's never had in any of the games unless you count his mechanical double in zero mission? Do I count "Fuck you in hellllll!" which brings up all sorts of images that I'm sure Samusridley4eva didn't want brought up? Do I consider how all those hunters were brought up just to die in a paragraph? Or Tio Juan saving Ted with "mexican machine guns"?
There's so much to pick apart I can't decide! So I'm just going to point out that Mandy having her body "derailed" by mines is the goofiest thing. Also, "if they didn't stop Falcon's inflation" Oh so we're adding an economic element to this delightful tale of jackassery now are we? Because as we all know, this story only gets better as the author adds more things she doesn't understand to it.
So we have melodramatics, Captain Falcon somehow fits an indestructible Tumbler inside of his nonexistent class president office. And wait, if Ridley absorbed the nuke...why is Samus down? We have no indication that she was affected by the blast after her boyfriend threw himself in front of it and oh god why am I applying logic to this crapfest?
And how do you dodge anything inside of a school hallway with a car as big as the tumbler? There's no room for you to maneuver. You'd probably be tearing things off the walls just by going through the hall if not gouging out holes in the walls. And why does a class president have nuclear armaments? Did the NRA assume absolute power in this nutcase universe?
And yeah "undestructable" and "juggernoughut", I'm not sure if I should care about typos anymore, but juggernoghut sounds like something they'd sell at Krispy Kreme. God I want a chocolate glazed donut right now, it'd help me feel better about reading this even if I'd feel like garbage for eating even half of it. But this is only half of the snippet, why would I cut the other half out? Well you see...
GOD IS DEAD AND SAMUSRIDLEY4EVACHAN2006 HAS THE KNIFE!
This is to my knowledge, the only published fanfiction that features a Metroid and a Warhammer 40k crossover. And good god what a waste. And it's not even Warhammer High...it's *Dark Crusade High*...good god somebody ganon ban this person already. And a character named Kroot. A character named Kroot. Kroot is a species, it'd be like naming your child Human. There was an actual named shaper in Dark Crusade FFS as one of the honor guards you could pick up...and good grief Aun'El had a god damn name you massive gibbering dork!
And "power combine?" What power is there to combine? Taldeer is a farseer with mind bullets, O'Kais doesn't have any psychic powers because he's a god damn Tau. He just has plasma bullets, a flamethrower, and missile launchers! And if the car was this easy to trash, why did Samus need their help to destroy it unless it was allergic to warp energy? And how does Captain Falcon know about Samus having Cholera?
How?
Why?
What?
When?
Auggggh!
ERROR 413 MENTAL_OMEGA.EXE HAS STOPPED RESPONDING
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
THAT IS DUMB! THIS IS STUPID! THAT IS AFUCKING FUDGING WRITING SIN! GO TO FUCKING FUDGING WRITING CHURCH TO BE BLESSED BY FUCKING FUDGING WRITING HOLY WATER!
There is no possible way that revelation could make any kind of sense in any possible interpretation of this drivel! How can the coach suddenly turn out to be the real identity of the other half of SAINO's (Samus Aran in name only) split personality? How does he invent an entire disease? Who invents an STD just to keep people apart so they can be on your sports team? Why am I analyzing this to the point that I am? It's not even worth shallow surface level criticisms. Urgggghhh...and wait President Gerald Ford?
Metroid wasn't even invented when Ford was President you gosh darn dingbat. And "sniping pistol"? Firstly, why is the president shooting someone himself? Secondly, why is he involved in this? Thirdly, what the fudge is a sniping pistol? Stop not making sense gosh darn it! You can't just have this random word salad sequence of events where things happen for no reason! You are not capable of that level of avant garde literature!
And no, nononono, you are not in any position to give the reader a tacked on moral message to cap off an equally tacked on sequence. That would imply that the reader has been invested enough to care about whatever message you're giving. No sane reader has not slammed their heads against their desks or not drunk sufficient alcohol to be able to calm their nerves after reading this by this point. This is inexcusable, this is moronic, this is just...bad.
And nope, your pairing is still bad and you should feel bad for shipping such a boatload of problems. Firstly, Ridley killed and ate Samus' mother and laughed in her face about it just to cause her problems. Does this sound like the basis of a healthy relationship to you? Would you date somebody who murdered and cannibalized your mother in your early years after killing everyone else you knew? This is supporting a relationship between a person and the figure that has caused them perhaps the greatest possible injury any human being could suffer without being physically harmed themselves. You are supporting a relationship between a trauma victim and their traumatizer you misanthropic piece of trash. So yeah, Ridley is the luckiest person in the universe because SAINO is just so utterly unlike the character she's named after that this garbage barge of a ship can work.
...But you just said this took place during Gerald Ford's presidency...
B-b-but....Grnghajndsakdmsa,dzla
Okay I got that out of my system.
And 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 wasn't even in this chapter? Why does she just appear all of a sudden to hook up with Cerventes? Why is anything in this epilogue happening? And who the hell considers "sharing the first letter of your first names" as the basis for a relationship? Have you ever dated miss SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006? Because you clearly don't even have "cheesy romcom" levels of knowledge when it comes to how love works. Like, this is one of the legitimately dumbest depictions of love I have ever seen; and I used to moderate for a Homestuck fanfiction review blog on tumblr.
And if Yokoi made the series metroid based on this series of events, I don't want to touch this universe's version of the game series. Good gods that would be the most insipid pile of garbage ever committed to code form. Everything about this series of events would make for quite possibly the dumbest game series to grace the 8-bit and 16-bit consoles and would hopefully, and mercifully strangle this particular incarnation of the metroid series in its infancy. Thus sparing this universe's people from ever having to play it.
I'm not going to dignify them banging again with a reaction other than
But it's finally over!
To all of you who enabled this with ironic good reviews: go burn in heck and be forced to listen to a thousand demons scartching their claws on chalk for eternity.
And I'm fully aware of what she actually means but it's so much funnier to imagine that she didn't actually know what words and ideas were until now. And wouldn't it make this grim charade make more sense if she didn't know what words are?
Final verdict:
This fanfiction is trash. The only humour to be had is how surrealistically nonsensical it is and the hilarious mental images that arise out of the typographical goofs and misuses of the spellchecker or the furious flipping through of the thesaurus.
The only theme I can draw from this is "high impact high school dramatical violence" and good grief does the story do it's sunday best to make sure it's theme of drama is hammered in as stupidly as possible.
Everything about this fic is as dumb as any other part of it. It is fractally stupid and has no intellectual value to offer anyone, but you probably knew that, didn't you? It's insipid, ugly trash and reading it provided me as many cringes as it did laughs. I know I'm dunking on either a trollfic or somebody's middle school embarassment, butfuck fudge it I don't care anymore.
Final Fate:
GET SANS'D!
Up next:
Learning and Sburbing, which I will alternate with other fanfics due to it being 60 chapters long.
Welcome to my special hell.
Well, at least her decision to compile the multiple chapters she had on her hard drive means I only have to eat one particularly large serving of crap rather than multiple servings.
"Future tomorrow"
"Help, I'm, Capitalising, Every, Word, After, A, Comma."
Correct me if I'm unfamiliar with 2009 era American slang, but I don't think "askout" was ever the term for a date. Also "the football", if I weren't already aware of the prior context of that...scene which caused me anger and a rant; I'd have assumed they were talking about a very large and important ball of especially magnificent grandeur. And it seems that three more years of education hasn't taught Samusridley4evachan that Cholera is not an STD.
Also, war stains what? Your polo shirt? Your sentence just kind of abrubtly ends without telling us anything. Don't they teach you anything at school? When I was fourteen I already had basics like these down to a decimal point. Of course that was literally a year ago but still. Come on you should know these things by now.
:|
;:|
I'm speechless. I am honestly actually speechless. This is it, this is the stupid singularity. A premise so mindbogglingly, appallingly, sense defyingly dumb that all possible directions only lead to more stupid as the stupidity has collapsed under its own weight and formed into a single point of infinitely dense stupid. There is no turning back, no undoing this monumental edifice to moronic lunacy.
We have actual grenades and machine gun fire being traded over the election of class president holy Dievas, Giltne and Perkunas I never thought I'd live to see the day when something this dumb would grace my eyes. It's almost beautiful in how utterly nonsensical the premise is. Also, my apologies for cutting out a bit of the text to the right, but that is supposed to read "too bad one of the ki-hinters". Ah, so Samus decided to take a forray into edutainment gaming eh? Faced by Spelling Pirates and Ki-Hinters who convene in a plot to ruin children's education!
And man, I could not care less about Helen's death. There's just...no way to get me to be motivated about this sort of thing. I mean, can anyone actually name any character trait of Helen? Hell can anyone even name an archetype she fit into? Why should I care that Tio Juan's "favourite girlfriend" got killed by a "river of death"? I didn't care when he got his girlfriend and I'm not gonna care that he lost it. Boo gosh dang hoo.
Also no, miss chan, you don't get to ask philosophical questions until you stop abusing that Thesaurus like a gimp.
Well, at least you aren't completely clueless about the words you're using. And thank the heavens you never touched Warhammer or star wars with your typing, because then I'd be asked to review it by my friends and then I'd have to cry myself to sleep. And man could you think of her writing in this decade? I'd have to bear her Homestuck and Undertale fiction! Auuugh it hurts just to contemplate the possibility!
...And what the hell is a Bozofits? That's not even a word...that's not even close to any word that would make sense in that context? Isn't it a good idea not to let your pet crawl all over the keyboard? Come to think of it, Bozofits sounds like some lame Joker henchman who gets offed in the same issue he's introduced in.
I'm going to ignore the "extruded" and the "pertruded" and whatever other abuses of "truded" miss samusridley4eva wants to use because I quite frankly cannot be arsed to care anymore, but I'm not letting industrial espionage go. No, that's something done in the corporate sector, not in war time, stop trying to be clever by throwing in words and terms you don't know the meaning of!
"You have my body" Ridley legolassed.
...
........
........................
......................................................
...............................................................................!!!
There's...other stuff about them suiting up to kick ass, but...I've been emotionally scarred by that line.
And just like that, the nearly whole cast of Metroid Prime Hunters is disposed of like garbage with all the respect for their characters you'd expect out of Tara Gilesbie. And also perhaps one of the worst written fight scenes that ever had any effort put into them. I personally think my action chops are terrible no matter what other people tell me, but everything about the action displayed here is absolutely rancid. Nothing of value can be redeemed here; nothing in the way of tension, of adrenaline, of anything good or decent can be rescued from this pile of garbage. It's ugly, it's wretched, and it makes me wish she'd just go back to anti-climaxes because it's clear she wouldn't know action from her left buttcheek.
Like...there's so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Kraid going all Bane on us and bulking up? Ridiculous lines like "I have you in my foot?" or Mother brain shouting "SINNEERRRS!" louder than a thousand tumblr users finding somebody's gross sex headcanon. Do I start with Ridley suddenly gaining eye-beams, an ability he's never had in any of the games unless you count his mechanical double in zero mission? Do I count "Fuck you in hellllll!" which brings up all sorts of images that I'm sure Samusridley4eva didn't want brought up? Do I consider how all those hunters were brought up just to die in a paragraph? Or Tio Juan saving Ted with "mexican machine guns"?
There's so much to pick apart I can't decide! So I'm just going to point out that Mandy having her body "derailed" by mines is the goofiest thing. Also, "if they didn't stop Falcon's inflation" Oh so we're adding an economic element to this delightful tale of jackassery now are we? Because as we all know, this story only gets better as the author adds more things she doesn't understand to it.
So we have melodramatics, Captain Falcon somehow fits an indestructible Tumbler inside of his nonexistent class president office. And wait, if Ridley absorbed the nuke...why is Samus down? We have no indication that she was affected by the blast after her boyfriend threw himself in front of it and oh god why am I applying logic to this crapfest?
And how do you dodge anything inside of a school hallway with a car as big as the tumbler? There's no room for you to maneuver. You'd probably be tearing things off the walls just by going through the hall if not gouging out holes in the walls. And why does a class president have nuclear armaments? Did the NRA assume absolute power in this nutcase universe?
And yeah "undestructable" and "juggernoughut", I'm not sure if I should care about typos anymore, but juggernoghut sounds like something they'd sell at Krispy Kreme. God I want a chocolate glazed donut right now, it'd help me feel better about reading this even if I'd feel like garbage for eating even half of it. But this is only half of the snippet, why would I cut the other half out? Well you see...
GOD IS DEAD AND SAMUSRIDLEY4EVACHAN2006 HAS THE KNIFE!
This is to my knowledge, the only published fanfiction that features a Metroid and a Warhammer 40k crossover. And good god what a waste. And it's not even Warhammer High...it's *Dark Crusade High*...good god somebody ganon ban this person already. And a character named Kroot. A character named Kroot. Kroot is a species, it'd be like naming your child Human. There was an actual named shaper in Dark Crusade FFS as one of the honor guards you could pick up...and good grief Aun'El had a god damn name you massive gibbering dork!
And "power combine?" What power is there to combine? Taldeer is a farseer with mind bullets, O'Kais doesn't have any psychic powers because he's a god damn Tau. He just has plasma bullets, a flamethrower, and missile launchers! And if the car was this easy to trash, why did Samus need their help to destroy it unless it was allergic to warp energy? And how does Captain Falcon know about Samus having Cholera?
How?
Why?
What?
When?
Auggggh!
ERROR 413 MENTAL_OMEGA.EXE HAS STOPPED RESPONDING
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
THAT IS DUMB! THIS IS STUPID! THAT IS A
There is no possible way that revelation could make any kind of sense in any possible interpretation of this drivel! How can the coach suddenly turn out to be the real identity of the other half of SAINO's (Samus Aran in name only) split personality? How does he invent an entire disease? Who invents an STD just to keep people apart so they can be on your sports team? Why am I analyzing this to the point that I am? It's not even worth shallow surface level criticisms. Urgggghhh...and wait President Gerald Ford?
Metroid wasn't even invented when Ford was President you gosh darn dingbat. And "sniping pistol"? Firstly, why is the president shooting someone himself? Secondly, why is he involved in this? Thirdly, what the fudge is a sniping pistol? Stop not making sense gosh darn it! You can't just have this random word salad sequence of events where things happen for no reason! You are not capable of that level of avant garde literature!
And no, nononono, you are not in any position to give the reader a tacked on moral message to cap off an equally tacked on sequence. That would imply that the reader has been invested enough to care about whatever message you're giving. No sane reader has not slammed their heads against their desks or not drunk sufficient alcohol to be able to calm their nerves after reading this by this point. This is inexcusable, this is moronic, this is just...bad.
And nope, your pairing is still bad and you should feel bad for shipping such a boatload of problems. Firstly, Ridley killed and ate Samus' mother and laughed in her face about it just to cause her problems. Does this sound like the basis of a healthy relationship to you? Would you date somebody who murdered and cannibalized your mother in your early years after killing everyone else you knew? This is supporting a relationship between a person and the figure that has caused them perhaps the greatest possible injury any human being could suffer without being physically harmed themselves. You are supporting a relationship between a trauma victim and their traumatizer you misanthropic piece of trash. So yeah, Ridley is the luckiest person in the universe because SAINO is just so utterly unlike the character she's named after that this garbage barge of a ship can work.
...But you just said this took place during Gerald Ford's presidency...
B-b-but....Grnghajndsakdmsa,dzla
Okay I got that out of my system.
And 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 wasn't even in this chapter? Why does she just appear all of a sudden to hook up with Cerventes? Why is anything in this epilogue happening? And who the hell considers "sharing the first letter of your first names" as the basis for a relationship? Have you ever dated miss SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006? Because you clearly don't even have "cheesy romcom" levels of knowledge when it comes to how love works. Like, this is one of the legitimately dumbest depictions of love I have ever seen; and I used to moderate for a Homestuck fanfiction review blog on tumblr.
And if Yokoi made the series metroid based on this series of events, I don't want to touch this universe's version of the game series. Good gods that would be the most insipid pile of garbage ever committed to code form. Everything about this series of events would make for quite possibly the dumbest game series to grace the 8-bit and 16-bit consoles and would hopefully, and mercifully strangle this particular incarnation of the metroid series in its infancy. Thus sparing this universe's people from ever having to play it.
I'm not going to dignify them banging again with a reaction other than
But it's finally over!
To all of you who enabled this with ironic good reviews: go burn in heck and be forced to listen to a thousand demons scartching their claws on chalk for eternity.
And I'm fully aware of what she actually means but it's so much funnier to imagine that she didn't actually know what words and ideas were until now. And wouldn't it make this grim charade make more sense if she didn't know what words are?
Final verdict:
This fanfiction is trash. The only humour to be had is how surrealistically nonsensical it is and the hilarious mental images that arise out of the typographical goofs and misuses of the spellchecker or the furious flipping through of the thesaurus.
The only theme I can draw from this is "high impact high school dramatical violence" and good grief does the story do it's sunday best to make sure it's theme of drama is hammered in as stupidly as possible.
Everything about this fic is as dumb as any other part of it. It is fractally stupid and has no intellectual value to offer anyone, but you probably knew that, didn't you? It's insipid, ugly trash and reading it provided me as many cringes as it did laughs. I know I'm dunking on either a trollfic or somebody's middle school embarassment, but
Final Fate:
GET SANS'D!
Up next:
Learning and Sburbing, which I will alternate with other fanfics due to it being 60 chapters long.
Last edited:
Chimeraguard
We do deserve to exist.
Maybe it's the pistol from the first Halo? Or an upgraded revolver from Metro 2033? Both were pistols you could use for sniping.
- Location
- North of England
- Pronouns
- She/They
I'll admit it, I don't feel bad for laughing at your suffering Mental and I probably never will. But dammit man I have to praise you for making it though this... this... there is literally no adjective to describe what you just read.
Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
Oh it was absolutely wretched and I don't look forward to reading the My Immortal of homestuck fics any more than I did to reading this.
Glitchrr36
Slick's Short Company, CEO
- Location
- The Wastes
- Pronouns
- He/Him
funny story, actually, On the last week of school in band we didn't really do anything. So, in order to alleviate boredom, I talked to some people I kind of knew, who also happened to like fanfiction, and read this, along with my immortal, out loud in a dramatic voice. When I got to the warhammer part, I had to set the tablet down and stare at a wall. When I didn't speak for a bit, one of the people asked me if I was all right. I replied, through clenched teeth, "I will be, if I can find the writer and ram the keyboard into them hard enough to cut them in half.
Good times
Ramble
[Verified 'Murican]
- Location
- America
Hi internet, after much deliberation I decided to get back into reviews and finishing this travesty so I can slay the great demon and get on with my life and finally put my great fear of reading the final chapter of Metroid High School to rest. It can't be that bad after a-
Welcome to my special hell.
Well, at least her decision to compile the multiple chapters she had on her hard drive means I only have to eat one particularly large serving of crap rather than multiple servings.
"Future tomorrow"
"Help, I'm, Capitalising, Every, Word, After, A, Comma."
Correct me if I'm unfamiliar with 2009 era American slang, but I don't think "askout" was ever the term for a date. Also "the football", if I weren't already aware of the prior context of that...scene which caused me anger and a rant; I'd have assumed they were talking about a very large and important ball of especially magnificent grandeur. And it seems that three more years of education hasn't taught Samusridley4evachan that Cholera is not an STD.
Also, war stains what? Your polo shirt? Your sentence just kind of abrubtly ends without telling us anything. Don't they teach you anything at school? When I was fourteen I already had basics like these down to a decimal point. Of course that was literally a year ago but still. Come on you should know these things by now.
:|
;:|
I'm speechless. I am honestly actually speechless. This is it, this is the stupid singularity. A premise so mindbogglingly, appallingly, sense defyingly dumb that all possible directions only lead to more stupid as the stupidity has collapsed under its own weight and formed into a single point of infinitely dense stupid. There is no turning back, no undoing this monumental edifice to moronic lunacy.
We have actual grenades and machine gun fire being traded over the election of class president holy Dievas, Giltne and Perkunas I never thought I'd live to see the day when something this dumb would grace my eyes. It's almost beautiful in how utterly nonsensical the premise is. Also, my apologies for cutting out a bit of the text to the right, but that is supposed to read "too bad one of the ki-hinters". Ah, so Samus decided to take a forray into edutainment gaming eh? Faced by Spelling Pirates and Ki-Hinters who convene in a plot to ruin children's education!
And man, I could not care less about Helen's death. There's just...no way to get me to be motivated about this sort of thing. I mean, can anyone actually name any character trait of Helen? Hell can anyone even name an archetype she fit into? Why should I care that Tio Juan's "favourite girlfriend" got killed by a "river of death"? I didn't care when he got his girlfriend and I'm not gonna care that he lost it. Boo gosh dang hoo.
Also no, miss chan, you don't get to ask philosophical questions until you stop abusing that Thesaurus like a gimp.
Well, at least you aren't completely clueless about the words you're using. And thank the heavens you never touched Warhammer or star wars with your typing, because then I'd be asked to review it by my friends and then I'd have to cry myself to sleep. And man could you think of her writing in this decade? I'd have to bear her Homestuck and Undertale fiction! Auuugh it hurts just to contemplate the possibility!
...And what the hell is a Bozofits? That's not even a word...that's not even close to any word that would make sense in that context? Isn't it a good idea not to let your pet crawl all over the keyboard? Come to think of it, Bozofits sounds like some lame Joker henchman who gets offed in the same issue he's introduced in.
I'm going to ignore the "extruded" and the "pertruded" and whatever other abuses of "truded" miss samusridley4eva wants to use because I quite frankly cannot be arsed to care anymore, but I'm not letting industrial espionage go. No, that's something done in the corporate sector, not in war time, stop trying to be clever by throwing in words and terms you don't know the meaning of!
"You have my body" Ridley legolassed.
...
........
........................
......................................................
...............................................................................!!!
There's...other stuff about them suiting up to kick ass, but...I've been emotionally scarred by that line.
And just like that, the nearly whole cast of Metroid Prime Hunters is disposed of like garbage with all the respect for their characters you'd expect out of Tara Gilesbie. And also perhaps one of the worst written fight scenes that ever had any effort put into them. I personally think my action chops are terrible no matter what other people tell me, but everything about the action displayed here is absolutely rancid. Nothing of value can be redeemed here; nothing in the way of tension, of adrenaline, of anything good or decent can be rescued from this pile of garbage. It's ugly, it's wretched, and it makes me wish she'd just go back to anti-climaxes because it's clear she wouldn't know action from her left buttcheek.
Like...there's so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Kraid going all Bane on us and bulking up? Ridiculous lines like "I have you in my foot?" or Mother brain shouting "SINNEERRRS!" louder than a thousand tumblr users finding somebody's gross sex headcanon. Do I start with Ridley suddenly gaining eye-beams, an ability he's never had in any of the games unless you count his mechanical double in zero mission? Do I count "Fuck you in hellllll!" which brings up all sorts of images that I'm sure Samusridley4eva didn't want brought up? Do I consider how all those hunters were brought up just to die in a paragraph? Or Tio Juan saving Ted with "mexican machine guns"?
There's so much to pick apart I can't decide! So I'm just going to point out that Mandy having her body "derailed" by mines is the goofiest thing. Also, "if they didn't stop Falcon's inflation" Oh so we're adding an economic element to this delightful tale of jackassery now are we? Because as we all know, this story only gets better as the author adds more things she doesn't understand to it.
So we have melodramatics, Captain Falcon somehow fits an indestructible Tumbler inside of his nonexistent class president office. And wait, if Ridley absorbed the nuke...why is Samus down? We have no indication that she was affected by the blast after her boyfriend threw himself in front of it and oh god why am I applying logic to this crapfest?
And how do you dodge anything inside of a school hallway with a car as big as the tumbler? There's no room for you to maneuver. You'd probably be tearing things off the walls just by going through the hall if not gouging out holes in the walls. And why does a class president have nuclear armaments? Did the NRA assume absolute power in this nutcase universe?
And yeah "undestructable" and "juggernoughut", I'm not sure if I should care about typos anymore, but juggernoghut sounds like something they'd sell at Krispy Kreme. God I want a chocolate glazed donut right now, it'd help me feel better about reading this even if I'd feel like garbage for eating even half of it. But this is only half of the snippet, why would I cut the other half out? Well you see...
GOD IS DEAD AND SAMUSRIDLEY4EVACHAN2006 HAS THE KNIFE!
This is to my knowledge, the only published fanfiction that features a Metroid and a Warhammer 40k crossover. And good god what a waste. And it's not even Warhammer High...it's *Dark Crusade High*...good god somebody ganon ban this person already. And a character named Kroot. A character named Kroot. Kroot is a species, it'd be like naming your child Human. There was an actual named shaper in Dark Crusade FFS as one of the honor guards you could pick up...and good grief Aun'El had a god damn name you massive gibbering dork!
And "power combine?" What power is there to combine? Taldeer is a farseer with mind bullets, O'Kais doesn't have any psychic powers because he's a god damn Tau. He just has plasma bullets, a flamethrower, and missile launchers! And if the car was this easy to trash, why did Samus need their help to destroy it unless it was allergic to warp energy? And how does Captain Falcon know about Samus having Cholera?
How?
Why?
What?
When?
Auggggh!
ERROR 413 MENTAL_OMEGA.EXE HAS STOPPED RESPONDING
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
THAT IS DUMB! THIS IS STUPID! THAT IS AFUCKINGFUDGING WRITING SIN! GO TOFUCKINGFUDGING WRITING CHURCH TO BE BLESSED BYFUCKINGFUDGING WRITING HOLY WATER!
There is no possible way that revelation could make any kind of sense in any possible interpretation of this drivel! How can the coach suddenly turn out to be the real identity of the other half of SAINO's (Samus Aran in name only) split personality? How does he invent an entire disease? Who invents an STD just to keep people apart so they can be on your sports team? Why am I analyzing this to the point that I am? It's not even worth shallow surface level criticisms. Urgggghhh...and wait President Gerald Ford?
Metroid wasn't even invented when Ford was President you gosh darn dingbat. And "sniping pistol"? Firstly, why is the president shooting someone himself? Secondly, why is he involved in this? Thirdly, what the fudge is a sniping pistol? Stop not making sense gosh darn it! You can't just have this random word salad sequence of events where things happen for no reason! You are not capable of that level of avant garde literature!
And no, nononono, you are not in any position to give the reader a tacked on moral message to cap off an equally tacked on sequence. That would imply that the reader has been invested enough to care about whatever message you're giving. No sane reader has not slammed their heads against their desks or not drunk sufficient alcohol to be able to calm their nerves after reading this by this point. This is inexcusable, this is moronic, this is just...bad.
And nope, your pairing is still bad and you should feel bad for shipping such a boatload of problems. Firstly, Ridley killed and ate Samus' mother and laughed in her face about it just to cause her problems. Does this sound like the basis of a healthy relationship to you? Would you date somebody who murdered and cannibalized your mother in your early years after killing everyone else you knew? This is supporting a relationship between a person and the figure that has caused them perhaps the greatest possible injury any human being could suffer without being physically harmed themselves. You are supporting a relationship between a trauma victim and their traumatizer you misanthropic piece of trash. So yeah, Ridley is the luckiest person in the universe because SAINO is just so utterly unlike the character she's named after that this garbage barge of a ship can work.
...But you just said this took place during Gerald Ford's presidency...
B-b-but....Grnghajndsakdmsa,dzla
Okay I got that out of my system.
And 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 wasn't even in this chapter? Why does she just appear all of a sudden to hook up with Cerventes? Why is anything in this epilogue happening? And who the hell considers "sharing the first letter of your first names" as the basis for a relationship? Have you ever dated miss SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006? Because you clearly don't even have "cheesy romcom" levels of knowledge when it comes to how love works. Like, this is one of the legitimately dumbest depictions of love I have ever seen; and I used to moderate for a Homestuck fanfiction review blog on tumblr.
And if Yokoi made the series metroid based on this series of events, I don't want to touch this universe's version of the game series. Good gods that would be the most insipid pile of garbage ever committed to code form. Everything about this series of events would make for quite possibly the dumbest game series to grace the 8-bit and 16-bit consoles and would hopefully, and mercifully strangle this particular incarnation of the metroid series in its infancy. Thus sparing this universe's people from ever having to play it.
I'm not going to dignify them banging again with a reaction other than
But it's finally over!
To all of you who enabled this with ironic good reviews: go burn in heck and be forced to listen to a thousand demons scartching their claws on chalk for eternity.
And I'm fully aware of what she actually means but it's so much funnier to imagine that she didn't actually know what words and ideas were until now. And wouldn't it make this grim charade make more sense if she didn't know what words are?
Final verdict:
This fanfiction is trash. The only humour to be had is how surrealistically nonsensical it is and the hilarious mental images that arise out of the typographical goofs and misuses of the spellchecker or the furious flipping through of the thesaurus.
The only theme I can draw from this is "high impact high school dramatical violence" and good grief does the story do it's sunday best to make sure it's theme of drama is hammered in as stupidly as possible.
Everything about this fic is as dumb as any other part of it. It is fractally stupid and has no intellectual value to offer anyone, but you probably knew that, didn't you? It's insipid, ugly trash and reading it provided me as many cringes as it did laughs. I know I'm dunking on either a trollfic or somebody's middle school embarassment, butfuckfudge it I don't care anymore.
Final Fate:
GET SANS'D!
Up next:
Learning and Sburbing, which I will alternate with other fanfics due to it being 60 chapters long.
Why do you do this to yourself man?
Don't you know you have people who love you and care about you?
Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
Wakes up today and checks Learning and Sburbing's author's notes.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
That sounds bad. Real bad. Here, some old recs from me for you to do inbetween this... unsettling new story you're putting yourself through.
At the very least, you'll be getting some decent writing out of this, if rather WTF at times.
CompassJimbo
Where’s Your North?
- Location
- The former Rubber Capital of the World
I have some more suggestions. Spelling and grammar are good, but the stories and SoD are godawful. I'll get to linking those later. Gettin' tired…
Spartakrod
Judeo-Spartacist Bolshevik-Kabbalist
- Location
- Sanctum Arcanorum
- Pronouns
- Fae/Faer/Faers/Faerself
It's considered the My Immortal of the Homestuck fandom.
Glitchrr36
Slick's Short Company, CEO
- Location
- The Wastes
- Pronouns
- He/Him
to be quite honest, My immortal was only cringe-worthy bad, not soul-crushingly bad. The terrible writing, horrible characters, and blatant self insert are all terribly bad, but it is easy to find things to laugh about, unlike metroid high school.
CompassJimbo
Where’s Your North?
- Location
- The former Rubber Capital of the World
Here's that awful fic I mentioned last night. Calladooty BS, a US Navy that places way too much trust in recent Annapolis graduates (seriously, how does a 22-year-old get command of a carrier group!?), Navy SEALs doing things they aren't exactly meant to, good old-fashioned croneyism (kid found himself in a totally classified project because his parents suggested him so they could gain prestige), and a bad case of "Robotics/Genemods/whatever the hell they used does NOT work that way".
The madness right here.
Guy also has other stories little better (though Poi Days was decent by keeping the CoD BS and mad science out of the way of the fluff). Only commendable thing is his rather impressive update speed. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the emergency committe to continue a much better story by the name of "Kantai Collection: The Greatest Generation". (Link in my sig)
The madness right here.
Guy also has other stories little better (though Poi Days was decent by keeping the CoD BS and mad science out of the way of the fluff). Only commendable thing is his rather impressive update speed. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the emergency committe to continue a much better story by the name of "Kantai Collection: The Greatest Generation". (Link in my sig)
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- Pronouns
- He/Him
I'm pretty sure this is an intentional trollfic. I hope. I really do hope.
If you want a fic that utterly shits all over canon even more so than this RidleyxSamus...thing, while not being painful, I suggest HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It's a very short fic. Technically 9 chapters, but each chapter is rarely more than a handful of paragraphs which would be a very short read.
CompassJimbo
Where’s Your North?
- Location
- The former Rubber Capital of the World
Harry, you must rock the fuck out.
Glitchrr36
Slick's Short Company, CEO
- Location
- The Wastes
- Pronouns
- He/Him
the problem with 30H is it isn't technically a bad fanfiction. It's sound in the grammar/spelling/etc. that fics like my immortal fail in. The actual "story" is just plain bizarre, though not long. I don't think Mental could find much tosay other than "I...I...What?" and "What the fuck did I just read?"
