And remember to leave a comment and discuss the story with each other. It helps us, writers more than you know
Okay, wow. You've put a lot of effort into this story and it shows. You've got a bunch of compelling character interactions built around an interesting premise, and this is a really creative outcome.
At the same time, this reads a lot like a rough draft to me. Which is part of a consistent problem with fan fiction if we don't have beta readers, but at the same time it's really rocky in some ways I don't usually see.
"You can like someone without agreeing with what they do."
We arrived at the PRT headquarters. The day after we took a bus to the plane and took the plane to America, we needed some rest, considering it was nighttime at the time we were there. When we got there, we all stepped off into the base.
It was standard superhero base fare, enormous building, exterior all window, with the added bonus of a hospital added on the side. They must really care about people.
I walked up to Grue, right where he was at the building. I wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about. But anytime I could get to talk to him I didn't mind.
You have a consistent problem in rotating around the POV character without making it immediately clear who said character is, and it's sometimes hard to keep track. These are all the first lines in chapter, but honestly I just recommending adding a tag like [Skitter] or [Clockblocker] at the start of each chapter to convey who is narrating, it would keep it straighter.
I'm glad you have a rotating view point, though, because it provides for much more interesting developments and analysis of situations and controlling which characters know what while the readers know everything.
I narrowly dodged each and everyone of the robots. They were only one pointers, so it was easy, and humans kinda got a physical boost ever since powers first appeared so it didn't take that much of my stamina to maneuver around them.
I was dealing with five one pointers. Fast but fragile. it was hard to grab on to one of them, but luckily they didn't have any projectile moves, so they had to come to me to take me down. Making it easier to take them out.
Point of order: the whole "one pointers" thing is solely and specifically used in UA's hero entrance exam. Those robots are built by UA for internal use, and even if UA did ship them out then there's no particular reason why PRT ENE would buy them or use that terminology for them. The robots aren't even particularly good practice for heroes because they aren't human shaped so you can't use them to practice fighting villains, they're just a useful and disposable tool for kids who don't have much training already to get their feet wet.
But using the robots and this term made me think for a long time that it was a UA student narrating and that was very confusing.
"That is not what I-" suddenly, a THREE POINTER crashed into me and Izuku, sending us both flying.
Same as above.
But before they hit me, the ground suddenly turned into spikes and punctured both machines. I automatically knew it was.
"having a hard day?"
Vista came confidently into the training room.
Vista? Vista controls space, not matter, unless you're giving her a power change for some reason. She could pinch space to make the robots crash into each other, but she couldn't turn the floor into spikes.
Even I wasn't convincing myself. Coil wouldn't give Dinah up for something as minor as a good start. I think Grue noticed my dejection.
I pondered what Grue had said. And he was right. If the heroes were giving supplies as well, then Coil would be even more unlikely to give Dinah. 'Cause the heroes would steal all of my potential workers away. The territory would be even more of a fail. I couldn't afford for that to happen.
The only way I'll save Dinah is if I do this. Coil said himself he'd do less extreme measure if I succeeded in this. That's all I need to know to give this my all. Dinah's treatment always left me hugging my body, terrified for her. If he didn't use drugs…if he didn't abuse her. I'll beat every student here if I had to.
I appreciate that Taylor is focusing on Dinah as much or more than on any of her other reasons for working under Coil. It shows that she's still got that core of being a good person.
It just also makes me wonder at her later arguments, because she
knows that the heroes haven't kidnapped and drugged a pre-teen girl the way coil has so I'd expect that to affect Taylor's arguments and willingness to bargain.
Like... when All Might showed up and was expressing sympathy for Taylor probably being bullied, Taylor had the opportunity to get in close and whisper in his ear, "Coil has moles in the PRT and he's kidnapped a young girl who I'm trying to get out." All Might would probably be smart enough to not officially report it but it would go a long way to explaining what Skitter is doing and why and All Might is powerful enough that he could almost certainly get Dinah out once he knew where she was, so he'd have reason to come back and surreptitiously get a location from Skitter so he could do a fast rescue if possible.
"Apperently," Grue folded his arms. "his Class 1-A is here on a field trip. On the promise that they won't have supervillain attacking them due to the whole 'All Might' situation, whike also making sure they always have a Protectorate member or a teacher protect them."
If this is pre-Sports Festival, then All Might has only been known to be working at UA in Japan as a teacher for
significantly less than a month, and Grue really shouldn't know or care about it being "Class 1-A" in particular.
It would be more like Grue saying, "All Might is supervising a class of trainee heroes from Japan who came for volunteer work."
"I didn't want to bring All Might. He would be busy. And I was just wanted, scratch that, NEEDED to take down the supervillain," I explained, "AND help her 'minions' with getting supplies."
"We have to do this carefully. We can't just arrest criminals suddenly because-"
"Why not?"
"Because if we do that, without getting enough evidence or playing our cards carefully, they'll just win the eventual court case, or the people that depend on them will be hurt. We won't always be getting supplies. We can't just fight supervillains willy-nilly!"
If this is pre-Sports Festival, then Izuku really shouldn't be trying to "take down" any supervillain because it's literally
illegal even if he in Japan and especially if he's in another country.
Also, you're making Izuku... really oddly aggressive? Katsuki is the one who obsesses over taking down villains, Izuku is the one who obsesses about saving people. If Izuku was trying to figure out Full Cowling early so he could do extra supply runs to nearby cities for more stuff to give needy people, that would be in-character, but this is just really weird to hear from him.
We're talking about a guy who canonically expressed a desire to save
Shigaraki (even if he probably knows it may not work out), so seeing this here, especially pre-Sports Festival when he knows he isn't actually trained in or skilled at fighting is confusing.
I was watching the scene from a building. Skitter was amassing her minions into the open, easily getting their attention with her bugs.
I admit I got spooked a couple of times by the bugs that were flying next to me, but I tried my hardest to ignore them.
Skitter looked even more terrifying than I thought she would. Her costume was clearly made out of bug shells and silk from the looks of it, with a window in the back for her hair. She was wearing some skin-tight spandex underneath, and she was covered in bugs. So creepy. It's definitely not an appearance a hero would have.
I notice a couple times, usually with Imp but it's notable here too, that you sort of ignore people's powers.
Skitter can see and hear through her bugs' senses. If the bugs were next to Izuku, Skitter ought to know that Izuku was there and was listening in. Whether or not she acts on it is a different thing (she might think he's a cape who wants to join or a spy from a rival gang,) but she absolutely should have known he was there and maybe landed a few bugs to tracks him if he left.
She's absolutely capable of just landing a fly on the cuff of his pants where he wouldn't notice it.
I stepped out of Kurogiri's portal, into the base of Coil. I don't know what I expected, but it definitely wasn't some brats.
What the hell were The Undersiders doing here?
The first one I noticed was Skitter, she was covered in silk and dead arthropods judging from how it looked. She had yellow goggles lenses on her mask and the mask itself resembled a bug's mandibles. Her long dark hair was flowing behind her. Which seemed stupid to me. Not like superheroes wear armor where I come from, but if you're going to wear it, why not wear it in as many spots as you can? Did she purposefully keep it flowing, or did she have to do it like that?
The next I noticed was another brat. I think she was Tattletale. A teenage girl with dirty blonde hair and a purple mask. Covered in purple spandex. With an eye on her chest area on her costume. She was looking back at Coil and at me. Clearly not expecting me. Wait, now she was smiling? Why the hell was she smiling?
The next person I noticed was a buff guy covered in shadows, Definitely Grue. Then a white kid wearing some Venetian mask, Regent. After that, a tiny girl in black spandex, Imp. And last, a butch girl wearing a dog mask. As if that'll conceal your secret identity.
Then again, Hellhound, also known as Rachel Lindth, didn't have one, so I suppose it didn't matter.
Then of course there was Coil. wearing dark spandex, with holes in the head for the eyes, showing his dark skin. A white snake working in contrast acting as part of the costume wrapping around him. Yeah, that'll make people trust you. What a creepy character design.
"Woah. gross." Imp said.
Imp's canonical power is a passive perception filter that makes people ignore or forget about her. It takes her effort to be noticeable to people and can lapse if she's surprised.
A guy coming through unexpectedly is
absolutely the type of thing that ought to make her drop into unnoticeability and position for an ambush attack if necessary. Otherwise, you basically just have several places where Imp drops a one-liner in conversations but she doesn't do anything. I advise you have her using her power more, and then it's at least deliberate that she isn't commented on and you can get some good dialogue from her teammates when she comes back into focus and reports what she saw while sneaking around or flanking people.
I knew exactly what to do. If I tried to attack her, then the people who have future sight will try to stop it. The other four definitely didn't have the powers. I knew all their powers from the research I did. None of them was future sight. The only person's powers that weren't known was Tattletale. I didn't consider it relevant before, but now that I know she's a part of this team…
What if instead of seeing opponents' weak points, she just knew what she would say, and said it? After all, information can come from nowhere.
I feel like you're making Shigaraki too smart here. It's easy for us to put pieces together to get Tattletale's power when we already know, but there are a bunch of powers it
could be that people who don't know wouldn't be able to guess between. Unless you've somehow given Shigaraki the Jack Slash power of metaknowledge...
Also, Shigaraki did research on these random villains? IIRC he didn't even canonically look up Overhaul's powers, or else he would've warned Magne to not get in melee range. Shigaraki is a self-obsessed man-child, so why would he even care about analyzing the Undersiders or researching their powers?
She turned to me. "Your quirk works by pressing five fingers against someone, and you can't turn it off, meaning you constantly have to be careful when you're touching yourself."
"Ew," Imp said, with some amusement in her voice.
Another Imp comment that doesn't contribute anything. I still think it would be better if everyone just forgot Imp was there because she's deliberately hiding behind her powers. Or at the very least have someone make the "Ex" comment and Shigaraki gets annoyed when he can't figure out which of the Undersiders were mouthing off (because Imp said it while still hiding out).
Also, IIRC Shigaraki's power explicitly doesn't affect his own body, even if it can affect his clothing. If nothing else he'd have already dusted himself by this point or in his accidental killing of his family as a kid.
"Oh, but I think I do. I think you're one of those types of people with powers that like to cause conflict. I think you had a trigger event. And I think you had a trigger event when you couldn't figure something out. Like a narcissist. No, something else. You tried to help someone but failed. Someone close to you, your mother? Your father? Your sibling? Sibling, right." I knew just from her looks. "And that trigger event DEEPLY affected you, like it does to everyone else. And it causes you to look for information to prove you're the smartest. Your power gives you rewards for causing conflict. And you're pissed off because I'm smarter than you."
I leaned back. "How about that? You have a completely unique power and someone without it is still better at it than you."
She was glaring daggers into my soul right about now. "Don't fucking test me. Whether or not you fucking figured out my power. I'm still fucking smarter than you. I'm still fucking better than you. And I can still figure you out."
Especially pre-Sports Festival, Shigaraki is supposed to be an immature man-child who is obsessed with video games and running mostly on hatred instead of coherent planning.
Him being better at cold-reading Tattletale than she is at reading him -- bearing in mind that Tats canonically figured out someone's PIN from them being exmilitary and a southpaw -- seems very OOC and I don't see the point of it in advancing plot or characterization except to make Shigaraki look more intelligent or capable.
(Did you actually give him Jack Slash's Broadcast power? Because that's honestly what it feels like.)
Coil sat there without showing any emotion. What was his power? Ordinary future sight? Timeline searching? He seemed to be completely calm as if he already knew what would happen, but then why would he even argue with me as if he thought it would work? Did he actually interact in the timelines?
Did he…split them?
I smirked. "It's kinda obvious. She always has a new form every time they're spotted. But she doesn't change it in fights. Even when it's beneficial, people don't notice it. But I do." I turned to the beast. "The only explanation is if you can't change your form on the fly when all other shapeshifters can. Meaning you're no shapeshifter, it's just a projection controlled by a handicapped girl."
Again, Shigaraki is just randomly jumping to what readers know is a correct answer when he really shouldn't have anywhere near enough information to make this guess.
If this is foreshadowing about Shigaraki having a Broadcast power, then it's utterly brilliant and kudos to you. If not, I'm not sure why it's like this.
Upon hearing her power, I smirked. So Coil's power was to split timelines, I assume, and her power was to calculate probabilities? That's amazing, assuming the brat was loyal. You could try and try again with the probabilities given until you find something that works. You would know what has a high chance of working and what doesn't, and know whether you should keep trying. He could take over the world with those kinds of powers if he played his cards correctly.
It seems like Coil folded way too quickly instead of of shooting or bombing Shigaraki after he & Kurogiri came into Coil's secure base that he's thoroughly trapped and prepared.
Coil has a body-double and oodles of back-up contingencies. Unless he's running alternate timelines when he tries to shoot or blow up Shigaraki and it fails, this really doesn't make sense, and if Coil
is doing that then you ought to reveal it at some point.
And All for One. But he's nothing but a myth. Better if they don't know I know him. Or believe he's real.
Shigaraki would think of AFO as "Sensei" instead of by name, I feel.
"Ok, I guess you're training, Izuku."
"It's Deku or Midoriya." Izuku was speaking through grit teeth. "Actually, to you, it's just Midoriya."
This is good intercultural conflict with the first names thing. Though Izuku's reasons for disliking Clockblocker seems really shallow.
Like, if nothing else, Clockblocker has already faced villains and saved people whereas 1-A has not except for the USJ emergency.
If Izuku can like Katsuki for being victorious, why does he dislike Clockblocker when Clock has saved more people than Katsuki has?
"Being a superhero isn't only about fighting, y'know."
"I know, I'm just a Cerebrum Parahuman."
Izuku and I looked confused, and admittingly he seemed to get it before I could. "Oh! You're a neurodivergent Quirker!"
She smiled. "Yeah…pretty much."
"I always thought that WAS some Neo-Nazi biological fact. You're not an internalized quirkest, are you?"
"I don't have a quirk!" Glory Girl laughed. "I have a cerebrum power. MY powers don't come from genetics. They come from my brain."
"Well…even so!"
Interesting world-building. Sort of hap-hazard? I'm glad that you're differentiating, but honestly it might be better if you didn't draw a difference between them, since this is a supposed to be an always-same-world fusion.
"Ok, dude. Whatever you say. So you were going to analyze the wards?"
Izuku shook his head. "Nope, the villains."
Kaminari was so shocked, that he literary lit up. "WHAT!? YOU CAN'T FIGHT THE VILLAINS!! WHAT WOULD ALL MIGHT SAY!?! WHAT WOULD AIZAWA-"
Why is Kaminari freaking out like this? If nothing else, Izuku analyzing them for the PRT's records would be good whether or not Izuku actually fights them.
If this is pre-Sports Festival, then Izuku doesn't yet have his villain magnet memetic status, and honestly Kaminari is one of the guys I would expect to be hung-ho about fighting villains because he doesn't usually think through the consequences of things.
Kaminari let go. "Oh…ok! I…guess that's better. Persevere!"
"Thanks!"
Glory Girl and I turned our heads. The glory girl spoke first. "Persevere?"
"Oh, it's our version of good luck."
Kudos to you for trying to translate "Ganbatte-kudasai" but I'd advise that you either have them say it in Japanese or that you translate as "Do you best," or "push through and overcome" or something.
I titled my head. "Something tells me between the authority streak and the hard work fetish, you guys have some particular opinions on criminals."
"You mean that they're all bloodthirsty, animalistic, monsters that need to be put away?"
"Jesus kid, I fight villains daily, and even I don't think like that!"
"Then maybe you're not a good hero." Izuku had a cheeky smirk.
What the
flip? This is
entirely out of character for Izuku. Again, he's the guy who is gang-ho about
saving people. This is the type of stuff I'd expect Katsuki to be spewing, but I've basically
never seen any of this kind of paint-with-the-same-brush stereotyping from anyone in My Hero Academia, let alone from Izuku.
You just broke my suspension of disbelief into about a dozen pieces and I'm honestly wondering if Izuku is being mastered or mentally influenced by somebody else. Izuku is the "villains need to be saved from their life of crime if we can" guy to me; he'll put villains in jail to make them stop hurting people, but he isn't one to tar people with the same brush like this.
"Uhhhhhhhhh," Iida was trying to find the words. "Do I have to listen to orders? I wouldn't mind having to, but I just wanted to know because I happen to be class president."
"Don't see how that's relevant."
"Because that class president is basically the leader of the class," Aizawa explained. "Not to mention it's rude to call a Japanese citizen by their first name, If you paid attention, you would know that."
Piggot forced a smile. "I can't be expected to notice every piece of a conversation. I apologize if I seemed rude or misinformed."
"Of course."
At least the leaders weren't getting along either.
"So this is how we do things. Te-" Piggot stopped herself. "Iida, you can command your group. But not a ward. If a ward tells you to do something. Do it. And if they tell you to give an order to your team, give the order."
Honestly, you could reformat this part into just a more general Establish Chain Of Command thing. It's clunky as-is, and pro heroes are used to organizing who has to follow orders from whom in big events like disaster relief so the pros ought to already have protocols and Eraserhead would've given them a talk about this.
I landed on the same building as All Might and went to him. "All Might! I saw what you were fighting! I want to help!"
"No, Young Midoriya! This is too dangerous! You would be in lethal harm!"
"We signed up for that when we went to Brockton Bay!"
"The only reason we went here was that we thought there would be no villain attacks," All Might argued. "like usual after Levithan attacks! Things are going WAY differently here!"
"Funny, I remember you ultimately approving of the trip," Aizawa said. "Along with Nedzu. You specifically said there will be no villain attacks in this city."
"And the principal said the teachers would protect them." Piggot shot back. "Whose fault this is doesn't matter. What matters is what we do now."
What? Seriously,
what?
The chaos and despair after Endbringers attacks is a
100% perfect time for various villains to get active and take advantage of the chaos and for new people to fall into villainy due to despair or needing to steal for their family.
It's the textbook time for totally ordinary unpowered people to riot, loot, and commit crimes because they're upset and because they need things to keep going or their homes just got destroyed or whatever.
Any professional who thought there would be fewer villain attacks instead of more needs to have their head checked for brain damage before they get fired for incompetence. This just makes absolutely no sense even in-universe for each world, because we see mobs and upticks in crime after disasters even in-universe in MHA, much less in grim dark Worm.
Deku raised his arm, looked me in the eye, and said something with more invective than even Tattletale could manage. "Die, Skitter."
She coughed. "Well? Aren't you going to kill me?"
What? "NO! Of course not! I'm a hero! That means you don't kill, no matter what."
Skitter looked at me like I had grown a second head. Was she that deep into villainy?
Um. What? Does Izuku have absolutely
no sense of self or memory of his own behavior? You honestly have me wondering
again if he's being mastered or influenced.
Uraraka coughed up blood. When she did, it splattered right onto my face. "Deku? I'm sorry…I couldn't save you…I'm-"
"Don't be! It's not your fault!"
Uraraka smiled. "Thanks, Deku…My blood is really draining now…I wish I could help…Stay strong…persevere. Remember what your name means…and"
Uraraka tried to get another word out. But she couldn't get it out. What was it? WHAT ELSE DID SHE WANT TO SAY!?
She stopped moving.
I admit, this is a good reason for Izuku to go hard against Skitter. Although I do think it would be better if you swapped the scenes/chapters so that we saw Izuku's PoV with Uraraka going still first and then see Skitter's PoV with him attacking her and she's confused why he's going so hard.
Doing the reverse doesn't feel like a Reveal so much as it feels like a Retcon to explain Izuku's uncharacteristic behavior.
At the same time, though, it's also really uncharacteristic for Izuku to go on the attack instead of, say, picking up Uraraka (he's able to haul around fridges and cars even without his Quirk,) and running to get her medical help.
Again, Izuku is the "saving people" guy. He's the one who will choose to save someone while Katsuki is the one who chooses to stop a villain. You're having Izuku act like Katsuki here and it's breaking my suspension of disbelief into pieces.
"You are the most despicable, selfish, fucking annoying hero I have ever meant!" She was speaking through her bugs again. "Just crawl away and DIE!"
"Doesn't matter how much you hurt people," I said. "how evil you are! We will stop you! And we'll avenge everyone you KILLED!"
"Evil? EVIL!? What's it going to take to convince you that heroes can be as bad as villains!?"
She thought heroes were as bad as villains!? "Villains are the bloodthirsty ones that steal, injure, and kill just for kicks! Can you bring up anyone that is even bad!?"
"Sophia, Panacea, Glory Girl-"
What? "Shut the hell up."
She attacked me with bugs. Going for the eyes again, I shielded them with my arms.
"What about Armmaster? Breaking The Unwritten Rules?"
"Unwritten what? What the hell is that?"
Skitter stayed silent. "You Japanese heroes really are hopeless. Wither in despair."
I have this idea that Izuku talking to Skitter was supposed to be one of the draws of the story, but they really aren't talking. They're shouting at each other with vague moralizing (or lack thereof) instead of actually bringing in points or personal experiences for what they're doing and what they believe, and it makes me really sad.
Like, Deku and Skitter have extremely similar backstories with a childhood friend who betrayed and bullied them, aided and abetted by an uncaring system in authority. They have a
great opportunity for bonding and seeing a mirror of each other's situations, even more than Izuku has with Shigaraki.
She shook her head and walk away. She seemed frustrated. Was I getting to her?
"Couldn't care any less about Legend, Eidolon, or Alexandria."
Her hand froze before she made it to the doorknob. She then immediately went for it.
I got her. "You know those false heroes Stain the Hero Killer talk about? Alexandria and the rest of The Triumvirate or like that. I mean, they show up at Endbringer fights, but all heroes do that!"
She clutched the doorknob.
"Alexandria…she's just some bitch that can punch hard. She got lucky by getting powers. Especially strong ones. Flight? Superintelligence? Invulnerability? OP as hell. She doesn't have to work or try. It's easy for her! It's obvious that even All Might or Armsmaster, heroes that have to work are more awesome than-"
"Shut. Up."
My eyes widened, "What?"
"Everything you said was wrong. Alexandria says all the time how she fights against S-class threats only. And how they attack several times every year. Do you know how stressful it is to have the world on your shoulder? It's. Not. Easy. She's a strong hero not because of her power, but because of her mind."
"Which is a power!" I said. It was pretty much confirmed at this point. But I wanted to be sure. "Face it! Alexandria is just another hero. Not like the greats, she doesn't even like her team! She said so in a interview!"
"That's not true! In U.S.A #54, she said she has…a…close…bond…with them."
I smiled. "Wow, can't believe you fell for that."
This bit was much better and more what I was hoping for, but honestly given Taylor's vehemence against the heroes, I would 100% expect her to by now have actually given an answer when/if Izuku asks why she became a villain.
Izuku: "You keep saying heroes can be as bad as villains, but all I've seen here are heroes trying to help people and villains being selfish! Name one time when a hero did something wrong and wasn't held accountable!"
Taylor: "One of the city's teenaged heroes tried to kill me in her secret identity and the PRT hushed it up! Shadow Stalker bullied and harassed me for 18 months and topped it off with a murder attempt on school grounds that put me in the hospital, and the rest of the Protectorate let her get away with it and shut me down when I reported her crimes against me because getting gangsters off the street was more important than a random teen being hurt by one of their own!"
That's something Izuku can actually understand and sympathize with -- Katsuki did the exact same thing to him repeatedly, minus the murder attempt -- and then it makes a lot more sense for Taylor not to trust the PRT. Instead of him just calling her villain and evil.
Better yet, it would build off that speech in the beginning where All Might reach out to Skitter compassionately that hasn't been followed up on in-universe. Especially with that thing of Skitter knowing Izuku has All Might's quirk (or whatever she's figured out).
I'm surprised it hasn't happened already and if it doesn't happen by the end of the story I will feel incredibly disappointed.
But you should write what you want to write, because you've clearly put a lot of effort and emotion into this. I respect that and this is a cool story so I look forward to seeing how it goes.
If you ever decide to write a cleaner version of this, I can PM you a list of world-building ideas to make the fusion bits fit together more cleanly, but otherwise I'll leave you to it and hope I've contributed meaningfully.
Ganbatte-kudasai, @Ultimate!