TURN 1 RIVALS REPORT
The USA!
Stabilise the USA!: ??? + ??? (I.M Weasel Diplomacy) + ??? (???) + ??? (Specific Diplomacy) = ??? = Critical Success
Despite some issues, President Weasel has managed to unite the country for his first term, after his incredibly efficient first term he has successfully defeated his opposition from both the republican and democrat parties, with his independent Starburst Party sweeping the election for a second time, his opening speech was designed to cater to as many groups as possible, and of course succeeded, he has promised a variety of changes, including equal rights to demons, an investigation into Endsvilles monopolising of the energy sector, and to reclaim Ottawa from the alien invaders!
Expand the military: Monkey Paws activate!: ???, ???, ???, ???, ??? + ??? (I.M Weasel Martial) + ??? (???) + ??? (I.R Baboon Martial) - ??? (???) = ??? = Massive Success
If the U.S government being led by a third party candidate for the second time was a shock, then the fact his running mate managed to increase the U.S military budget by 4% without anyone noticing was a miracle, especially since I.R Baboon does not seem to be the most… competent… of individuals
Stabilise the economy: ??? + ???(I.M Weasel Stewardship) + ??? (???) + ??? (??? Stewardship) = ??? = Critical Success
I.M Weasel has finished his work on the economy, through a series of careful investments, creating the "Candy Stock Market" and putting all of the money gained through corruption in Washington back into the economy… somehow, Weasel has prevented the next recession by an estimated 12 years!, suicide rates of U.S economists have never been lower!
Crush the invaders!: ??? + ??? (I.M Weasel Martial) + 37 (Johnny bravo martial) -30 (She Digs M-) = ???
Reports are inconsistent at best, but rumour has it that Johnny Bravo was sent into Canada with two divisions of S.H.E.E.P tanks and at least twelve-thousand soldiers to reclaim parts of Canada, given all the reports about the "Reclamation of Washington state!" you have a feeling he managed it.
The Swim
Advocate for more homework: 100! + ??? + 11 (Father Diplomacy) + ??? (Stuffum Diplomacy) + ??? (Specific Collaboration!) = ??? = QUADRUPLE CRITICAL SUCCESS!
The "Shadow Man" you met turns out to be some guy called "Father", he alongside fellow soopervillain Granma Stuffum, and the head of the U.S military, General Specific recently began a push to put into law the "Military Homework Initiative" which had… extreme… results.
According to specific, the initiative is designed to teach children the basics of military theory, to allow them to join the U.S military with a basic understanding of warfare once they age up, Father on the other hand stood there menacingly and frowned at people who stood to speak against specific, and Stuffum provided snacks.
This trio, combined with some support from various senators led to the "Military Homework Initiative" being signed into law with comical speed, already the effects can be seen as children are buried under 300% more homework than before, and being disallowed from playing until it is all completed, this has lead to a massive increase in homework completed… and child dissatisfaction
Supposedly, a group of children attempted to attack Specific in his home for creating such a bill, but given how inconsistent the tellings are, you doubt it occurred, and if it did he certainly did not fight them off by using a literal sheep as a sword.
Attack KND Strongholds: 2+??? (Father Martial)+??? (??? Martial) -5 (Destroy the KND)=64
Father has launched a variety of attacks upon the KND as a whole, and several small towns are now finally, completely clear of rebellious children, in the kid's words "Adult Tyranny" has been enforced upon them.
Despite this, a majority of the KNDs main fortresses and territories remain under their control, with the only major location to fall being the Seriously Cool Museum of Artifacts and Stuff, after a several month long siege.
Involved in the battle was an utterly absurd amount of soopervillians, who appeared on screen, you spat your drink out upon seeing so many villains at once, Cuppa Joe, Count Spankulot, Knightbrace, Mega Mom, Destructo Dad, Mr Fizz, Mr.Wink, Mr Fibb, Professor XXXL, Crazy Cat Lady and many many others who were led by Mr.Boss, who was himself was led by Father into the museum…
And after a two day long battle, The adults came out victorious, with control over the ruins of the burning, frozen, hole ridden, flooded, cat infested, building… the ruins were salvaged of what they had and the rest (such as models of the previous KND teams) were burned, the tree itself was turned into paper and said paper used for homework under the "Military Homework Initiative" which under chapter 11 paragraph 13-c subsection 2-a, dictates that "all child led military bases are to be salvaged for the creation of more homework"
Hold a Funeral: ???
Father mysteriously disappeared from the public spotlight for the next few days after that?
Dethgov
Make New Music: 19 +??? (Nathan Diplomacy) + ??? (???) + ???(???) + ??? (???) + ??? (Dethklok Band Diplomacy) = ??? = Critical Success
You aren't super familiar with them (which makes sense considering you have been in this new world for less than a year) but apparently, there's a really popular band called Dethklok. They have been determined to make great death metal music and their latest album (you don't know the name, you got distracted) is no exception, at least to people who like that sort of thing.
(You wonder if Glider would like it, she seems angry a lot! …was that rude?)
It seems they and their fans are both happy.
Target a demonic audience: 57 + ??? (Nathan Diplomacy) + ??? (???) = ??? = Success
They are doing similarly well with getting a new audience. With demons being treated with more rights, that also means they can spend their money on new things, completely legally! Thus Deathgov sent out attempts to advertise to this specific group, which seemed fairly successful! You suppose it makes sense demons would like death metal!
…is that stereotyping?
Boxmore
Advertise Robots: 1! + ??? (Boxman Diplomacy) +??? (Board Of Investors) = ??? = Nat 1 Critical Failure!
Boxmore began to advertise their robots to the public, trying to highlight how useful each model could be. However, calling them ads was an understatement. It looked more like a vlog session featuring three robots, presenting each one, doing random activities and competing to hog the camera.
It was chaotic until a round man (who you later learned was the CEO, called Boxman) appeared on screen and discovered what they were doing. You felt bad for them as the man opened his mouth, and insults and threats began to rain down on the robots. They started to cry and beg as he threatened to burn them alive. Apparently, your feelings echoed those of some of your patrons who commented on the ad.
His Board of Investors was not pleased with this turn of events…
Sell Robots: 1! + ??? (Boxman Robots…oh dear) + ??? (??? UNITED!) + ??? (???) - ??? (???) =??? = Nat 1 Critical Failure!
In the subsequent days, more of these ads resurfaced, highlighting how abusive Boxmore was and claiming that buying his robots was actually a way to save them from their abusive father. All these ads came from Boxmore, and you and everyone you spoke to about it agreed it felt like a scam.
You didn't understand how selling a bad image of their CEO could boost sales, but it seemed to work, especially after the first one tanked their sales and image.
Although the "ads" were poor, some people were buying the robots for random tasks. In the following days, you heard that nursing homes were receiving assistant robots in the form of the Jethro model. Then, you saw how the New Orleans government decided to replace part of their Street Sweeping crew with the Darrel models.
You looked at one of them as they were cleaning near Noonans, and it seemed depressed. Maybe later you could talk to him or invite him for a beer? Lisa said it was a bad idea and that it was part of the scam. You knew she was right, but as you stared at the robot, you felt bad for it.
Homeworld Colony #342623643.2
Gems: attack neighbours: 40 + ??? (Jasper Martial) + ??? (???) = ??? = Success
Apparently, a huge piece of Canada had been conquered by some sort of weird alien rock people? Uh, that's REALLY worrying. From what the news was able to tell, these "Gems", had spent the last few months attacking nearby territories, trying to either push further, or repel their forces, with varying degrees of success…
Chris McLean
56+???+???+???=???
79+???+???+???=??? (Taken) = Critical Success!
You aren't sure of the reason, but one of the most popular channels on TV right now, something called Total Drama, had their transmissions interrupted suddenly one day. It. It took a few days for them to start broadcasting again…
Eh, it's probably nothing too serious.
Katz
???-??? (they're going Nowhere) =??? = Failure
The gem advance into Nowhere went exactly as well as one would expect it to, with the gem armies imploding due to trying to fight through the utter mess of conflicting foes, while the initial advance against the weremole went surprisingly well, as they advanced further south they suffered from being unable to counter ALL of the…
You don't want to call other villains ridiculous but what kind of names are "Black Puddle Queen" and "Big Toe"
Either way, the contradictory battle plans meant that the gems were using plans for dealing with "Le Quack" against "Cajun Fox" whose own plans were mixed up with the… "Cruel Veterinarian" with their plans going out the window, and a species of alien chicken attacking them from behind, the Gem advance stalled and was slowly pushed back (before the villains went back into infighting)
In unrelated news, Katz has announced chicken-fried rock candy, made in limited batches for a limited time only
???
???-??? (Secondary Objective)=??? = Critical Failure
???
???-???(Secondary Objective)=??? = Bare Failure
Father
???-??? (Hopelessly outgunned)= ???= Critical Failure
The Gems assault on the swim was doomed from the start, Complications with the east-north central Midwest decimating their aerial troops forced the Gems into fighting a ground war with the still assembled horde of Soopervillains, who were backed by hundreds, if not thousands of Minions in flying samurai armour.
The Gems were threshed like wheat by soopervillains who seemed wholly unphased by the invader's technological advantage.
I.M Weasel
???-???(Secondary Objective) -37 (Johnny BRAVO!) +30 (She Digs M-) -??? (???) =??? =JOHNNY BRAVO! Failure
One evening, all the news stations in the country stopped their current broadcast to announce an important message from the president.
Unsurprisingly, the Gems advance towards the U.S continued, with little showing for how much effort they put into it, but what really amazed people was the announcement that they had engaged the leader of the invading aliens and managed to beat them into retreating, all thanks to the efforts of one single individual that made this crushing victory possible.
"...And as your president, I.M. Weasel, I would like to congratulate you, Johnny Bravo, for your service to your Nation. Keeping those Gems invaders from being able to even set a toe on American soil!" The president continued his speech as he gave Johnny Bravo, who sported several bruises, and a broken arm, but was smiling proudly, a gold medal. "You set an example for the American People!" The crowd cheers loudly as Bravo waves at them.
"Yeah, Baby! That's what I'm talking about!" He shouts, smiling broadly, showing a few missing teeth. "Next time that Jasper Gal comes around I will be ready for round 2! She owes me another date!" He pumps his fist, as the crowd goes wild!
Study Unique Crystalline Emanaons: ???+ ??? (Peridot Learning) + ??? (???) = ??? = Success
While the gems were attacking American cities, many news outlets noticed contingents with..weirder priorities. Many museums, mines, and crystal healing shops were left ransacked as the invading gems fled with arms full of "loot". The most baffling was when they crashed a Monsters and Mazes livestream hosted by some dweeb named LeonardtheLegendary. The last known footage of Leonard showed him mildly inconveniencing a red gem, attributing his success to a robe studded with crystals imported from a place called Atmos.
Leonard's channel was removed the next day
Speak With Knuckles: ??? +??? (Peridot Diplomacy) - ??? (???) = ??? = Critical Failure
When you got your newest surplus of alcohol from that pirate guy, you took the opportunity to make small chatter with him, curious to see what was the newest gossip coursing in the seas. What the man told you was interesting.
The boss of the place had prohibited the presence of those weird alien people inside Stormalong Harbor and made it official that anyone who had dealt with the Gems would have to pay 0.42% more on their deals.
When questioned what was the reason for this, apparently those Gems sent a few small red people to make a few deals with Knuckles, but not only did they arrive late to the meeting, but they also burned one of the pirate's favourite taverns!
Man, if someone were to burn down your bar even by accident you would be pretty nettled too.
Unless they apologised of course.
Endsville
Expand Underworld energy (???) + ??? (Mandy Stewardship) + ??? (??? Stewardship) = ??? = Success
Mandy has been expanding her monopoly on the energy coming from the underworld, as pretty much everyone saw coming, despite her overwhelming influence over the industry already she has launched a variety of expansion efforts in the area, purchasing oil coal and electrical companies, most of said smaller companies
Lobby for further Demonic Rights (???) + ??? (Mandy Diplomacy) + ??? (Jeff Diplomacy) =118 = Massive Success
Mandy being a champion for demonic rights was not something you saw coming… She and Jeff the Spider would campaign for and succeed at getting the Demonic Rights bill into law, rendering all demons who enter into Endsville as citizens of the United States… given the giant portal to hell located RIGHT there that may as well be all of them…
…there is a portal to hell… in the U.S.A… what the f-
Katz
Make a New Company (Muriel Pies) ??? + ??? (Katz Stewardship) + ??? (Eustace Stewardship) -??? (???) = ??? = Critical Success
Katz has launched his latest Company and product, Eustace's Pies, and its flagship product Muriel Pies is a surprise hit, mostly due to the advertising campaigns head, Eustace, head of the new pie company, who named it after his recently deceased wife, despite the pies mediocre taste his sob story has lead to them flying off the shelves, Katz has announced a series of new pies, notable ones including, Vindaloo pies, Charlie pies and Hunchback pies.
Attack ???
D6: 1
??? + ??? (Katz Martial) =???
???
Lord K'nuckles:
Expand good sales: ??? + ??? (Knuckles Stewardship) + ??? (???) + ??? (??? Stewardship) + ??? (New Buyers) = ??? = Critical Success
Turns out his name is pronounced "K'nuckles" instead of knuckles… huh, either way the pirate you dealt with through intermediaries has been selling his products far and wide, across world oceans and directly into your (and many others) hands, he has supposedly been making utterly absurd amounts of income, as he sells goods that he "obtains" from India to the British, from the British to the Mexicans, from the Mexicans to his fellow candy pirates, and from them to you!
Committee piracy!: ??? + ??? (K'nuckles Martial) + ??? (Flapjack Martial) + ??? (???) + ??? (???) + ??? (???) = ??? = Critical Success
K'nuckles and his fleet have recently gone out to sea to claim treasure, plunder and booty on the high seas, they didn't manage to steal much candy, but they "obtained" a large amount of Indian spices, which they then sold on and on ending up gaining a large amount of candy from "some bar guy in Louisiana"
After which things get… confused, but the main thing that was stated is that K'nuckles found a clue to… something, he has refused to let anyone but Flapjack himself see this item.
Search for the Candied Isle: ??? + ??? (Knuckles Intrigue) + ??? (???) + ??? (Clues So Far) = ??? = Entirely Expected Failure
K'nuckles has been rather upset about his latest attempt to find the "candied isle" has failed, but he appears to be mostly content with this, his recent increases in wealth have allowed his fleet to rapidly expand… and it appears only a matter of time before he finds the isle…
Tez
Due to catastrophic failure, your non-existent information network managed to discover the following!
Influence Your Neighbors
D2: 2: Country Con Carne
D100 (4) + ??? (Tez Diplomacy) ??? = ??? Failure
Events in Mexico have rapidly heated up, as the Mexican government, in a recent broadcast, declared their southern neighbour, Country Con Carne, as being led by an "Illegitimate and tyrannical dictator" This was combined with the rumours of… something? Moving towards the border, it's not exactly consistent, some say a "star-beast", and others say the Mexican army was on the march, either way, it led to!
Defend against Country Con Carne's surprise attack!
Contested Roll Tez D100 (1!) + ??? (Tez Martial) = ??? = CRITICAL FAILURE!
Does ??? Activate D8, 3, it does not.
Hector D100 (100!+???) + ??? (Hector Martial) + 20 (Critical Failure) + ??? (???) = ??? = HECTORIAL SUCCESS!
After hearing the broadcast and being humiliated. "Substandard Mind?, Illegitimate leader?, Disgusting, Exposed Stomach!" Hector Con Carne, leader of Country Con Carne, personally led his clone army into Mexico. It's highly debated what happened next, some say Hector fought a massive "starry panther-beast", others say Hector personally defeated two thousand Mexican soldiers, Some claim both! Either way, the Mexican army was decimated, and Hector marched all the way to Mexico City!, with claims of "More to Come MWAHAHAHA!!!"
Tez and his government have relocated to Monte Macabre, in Baja California Sur.
???s
Sean: ???: Bare Failure
Malice (and Chessire): ???: Failure
Bane (and Goldilocks): ???: Critical Failure!
As seen in: El ascenso y caída del Emisario del Dolor
El Malefico: Recruit Hero Unit: Bane
DC 60
32 + 24 + 10 (???) - 50 (Kite-Man Recruiting) = 16: Critical Failure!
Queen of Fables ???: Critical Success!
"A Friend is Gone, Never to Return"
Queen of Fables is no longer available for the "Find your friends personal"
Gus: ???: Critical Failure!
You have a feeling someone will be easier to find, for a short while.
Moe: ???: Failure
