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In Which I Play Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: The Seventh Stand-User

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TenfoldShields said:
And with the Specials can tap your crush's phone lines presumably and read all the logs until Agent 4 flips and leaks your porn preferences to the entire school or something.

I'd say "internet history" but we're in the far off magical era of the late 80's, when tiddie had to be meticulously downloaded one pixel at a time.
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Agent 4: *hacks* I'm in
Phone: *loud obnoxious dial-up sound that causes your crush to give you the stinkeye*
 
TenfoldShields said:
So how much does it fork overall (sans spoilers obv). Like are we straight up locked on the rails of canon or is it a Bioware-style "your choices matter~" type thing or does it just go completely bugfuck?
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Things can fork pretty damn heavily. The final confrontation has at least five completely different ways it can play out, and several Stand battles have alternate endings. While most of them are just "You help the Crusaders beat the living shit out of them before they can use their gimmick" some are real doozies.
 
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Episode Three: The Curse Of DIO!
  • Threadmarks
    • PREVIOUSLY ON THE 7TH STAND-USER


    Mori: "OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY"
    [Schoolgirl slaps the shit outta Mori, dealing 3 damage.]
    Agent 2: "It's gonna be hell to keep this scandal out of the press."



    [sounds of ghost violence]



    Further violence at more acceptable targets!



    Mori wasted his fucking time on a long sidequest getting some kid's hentai doujin back from a teacher (because porn is the right of every free American) in exchange for Samurai armour!



    And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.





    Kakyoin stays out of Mori and Jotaro's Stand's ranges and uses Hierophant Green's deadly long-ranged trump-card Emerald Splash!



    Morihisa and Jotaro stay exactly where they are and throw rocks at him to much the same effect.


    Kakyoin: "Alright, you know what? Fine! If you're not going to take this seriously then we'll fight here, right up close!"
    Mori: "Thank you kindly."


    [Kakyoin (S) 40 damage was taken! Kakyoin (S) was sent flying!]
    Kakyoin: "MY SPLEEN!"


    Kakyoin: "OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE SIX STANDS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA"


    Mori: "All portions are bigger in America!"
    Jotaro: "You're Japanese you large bitch."
    Mori: "ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!"

    It's worth noting that enemies have different loot tables depending on the range at which you beat them. If Jotaro and Mori had been stronger and defeated Kakyoin before he moved his stupid ass into punching range, he would have been worth 30 XP and another Darbitol. Either way he went out like a biiiiiiiiiitch.


    Jotaro: "Well that was a waste of time."
    Mori: "You said it, my dude."
    Jotaro: [glare]     "You're not one of Dio's followers, are you?"
    Mori: "What? No, obviously. I just helped you beat the shit out of one."
    Jotaro: "Yeah, didn't think so. Nonetheless I want you to talk to Gramps."


    Mori: "Didn't she have a tentacle-ghost thrash around inside her esophagus and do serious internal damage?"
    Jotaro: "LOOKS LIKE THE NURSE'LL BE FINE."
    Mori: "I guess if you're just shrugging off that shotgun-blast of emeralds to your internal organs Stands don't do as much damage to the human body as I thought."



    Holly: "Just now... Jotaro was thinking about me at school! I felt it! It's the bond between mother and son! <3"
    Jotaro: "I wasn't thinking about you."



    JOTARO KUJO - GREATEST SON EVER

    Holly: "J-Jotaro! What in the world happened? Who... who are these people!? He's... he's bleeding... Did you do this!?"
    Mori: "Hello Mrs. Kujo, funny story-"
    Jotaro: "It's none of your business."
    Mori: "Wow really?"
    Jotaro: [stoicism intensifies]     "I'm looking for Gramps. It's such a pain to find anyone in a house this big. Is he in the tea room?"
    Holly: "Y-yeah... I think Avdol's there too."
    [Distant shouts about the superiority of instant coffee to tea.]


    Mori: "Wha-!?" [is flattened beneath a musclebound 17-year-old's bleeding carcass]
    Holly: (Jotaro... what could possibly be going on that you can't talk to your own mother about? Don't make me worry like this... I know you're a nice boy deep down...)


    Holly: "Yes?"
    Jotaro: [struggles valiantly with the urge to be a dick to his mother] "... you don't look like your usual self. Are you feeling okay?"
    Holly: "... Yay! <3 Fine, thank you! (He really does care! <3)"
    Jotaro: "Hmph..." [wanders off, plotting to call her a bitch and blow smoke in her face to compensate]


    Mori: "Hooo boy no. We uh, we do not move in the same circles."
    Holly: "Oh, I see. That's too bad. You know, despite appearances, he's actually a very nice boy. Give him a chance, won't you?"
    Mori: "Ma'am, at school he bullies the teachers."
    Holly: "He's just misunderstood <3"
    Mori: "He regularly gets into fights and hospitalises people!"
    Agent 1: "Haven't we been doing that all day, sir?"
    Mori: "DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES!"
     
  • Threadmarks
    • Mori follows the scent of authentic American instant coffee to the tea room.


    Joseph: "Jotaro, it isn't your fault. Look, this man has already pledged his loyalty to Dio. And do you know why? It's because... of this!"
    [unzipping noise]
    Mori: "DUDE!"
    Joseph: "Strange, I assumed Dio's mark would be there. Sorry I meant because... of this!!"


    Mori: "Holy piss how did we not see that ages ago!?"
    Jotaro: [shrug] "Too busy beating him up I guess."
    Avdol: "That's a 'flesh bud', forged from Dio's cells! It's burrowed its way into that boy's forehead. Tiny as it may be, it's reached deep enough into his brain to influence his thoughts and feelings. Just like one of Hitler's supporters, just like a member of a cult, this boy is a slave to Dio in mind and body! Dio's charisma is such that Kakyoin will unquestionably follow his orders to kill us!"
    Mori: "Uhhhh wait wait back up do you actually know what charisma is?"
    Avdol: "It's compelling obedience from followers, isn't it?"
    Mori: "Yeah through force of personality not fucking brainslugs! Hitler didn't seize power with facehuggers, he was a demagogue who blamed everything on Jews!"
    Joseph: "He could've used his cyborg SS officers, you don't know."
    Mori: "W-wait Hitler had cyborgs?"
    Joseph: "I'VE SEEN SHIT YOUR NARROW EYES COULD NEVER COMPREHEND, CHINAMAN"


    Joseph: "If it were only that easy. The spore has a mind of its own. If it so much as twitches when we try to pull it out, he'll suffer permanent brain damage."
    Avdol: "Jojo, let me tell you about something that happened four months ago, when I was in Cairo."
    Mori: "Uh okay switching topics I guess! ... also please zip his pants back up!"
    Joseph: "Whoops. Mind like a sieve."
    [zipping noise]
    Avdol: "I am a fortuneteller, as you may or may not know. I'd set up shop in the bazaar that night... it was the night of a full moon."
    Mori: "Why weren't you setting up shop during the day when people are around to actually pay you?"
    Avdol: "IT WAS THE NIGHT OF A FULL MOON.     Then I saw him, quietly observing me from atop the stairs."


    Mori: "U-uh, you got a little [coughs into his hand] red rocket."
    Avdol: "SUCH IS THE POWER OF DIO'S CHARISMA" [adjusts his robes]     I'd already heard from Mr. Joestar about Dio, the man who had been pulled up from the ocean, and I recognised him as such the moment I laid eyes on him."


    Dio: "I'd be very happy if you were to demonstrate it for me."
    Avdol: "That's when I knew he was one to be feared. The moment he spoke, my heart was calm. Too calm. A dangerous kind of calmness!"



    Avdol's gay panic makes him honk like a goose.



    And Dio... does his best djinn impression? I have no idea what the fuck is going on any more.

    Avdol: "I ran for the hills! The thought of fighting him never once went through my mind! I thanked my lucky stars that I had recognised him as Dio and, as quickly as I could, I escaped through the window! I knew my way around the labyrinthine bazaar, so I had the good fortune to evade him..."

    Presumably Dio was too lazy to call upon ZA WARUDO at the time. And don't you dare tell me he hadn't developed The World yet, he had four years between his casket being unearthed and his meeting with Avdol, and he's pushed The World to the limits of his jank-ass body with five seconds of time-stop by the time the group actually make their lazy asses to Cairo a year later. All it'd take is one second of timestop (especially since the level of cooldown time seems entirely based on how long it takes Dio to bother stopping time again) and suddenly Avdol ain't gettin' outta there.


    Jotaro: "I'm quaking in my boots at the thought."
    Avdol: [MENACING]
    Joseph: "And just like this boy, his brain would've been consumed by the flesh bud and he'd be dead within a couple of years."
    Jotaro: "Dead?"
    Joseph: "Well yeah, having an alien parasite the size of a knitting needle shoved through your frontal lobe isn't doing you any favours long-term-health-wise-"
    Jotaro: "Not so fast! Kakyoin's not dead yet!"
    Mori: "What're you gonna do, perform brain surgery with your Stand?"
    Jotaro: "Yes."
    Mori: "Oh ok fair enough."

    The moment Star Platinum touches the quivering pustule, it remembers that when in Japan do as hentai does and shoves a tentacle up him. Kakyoin wakes up mid-surgery without doing anything unhelpful like thrashing around or budging in the slightest, when surely the flesh bud would make him spaz out to ensure brain damage or something. Everyone tells Jotaro how cool his Stand is for being this precise. And then the bud is removed!



    Jotaro celebrates with some kind of gorilla-hoot.


    [Joseph incinerated the flesh bud with his Ripple!]
    Mori: "Why didn't you just do that earlier!?"
    Joseph: "I'unno, I wanted to see if Jotaro could do it."
    Mori: "He could've died you asshole!"
    [Joseph uncaringly sips his coffee.]


    Jotaro: "Well... to be honest... I'm not so sure myself."
    Mori: "Neither am I."
    Kakyoin: "Oh, hey. Mini-Jotaro."
    Mori: "MMMMMMM"

    Either way, Holly's inner monologue chimes in with some more shit about Jotaro secretly being a nice boy at heart as the scene abruptly transitions. Presumably Kakyoin hits the deck mere seconds after speaking due to his open head-wound.


    Joseph: "And... thanks for helping our Jotaro. I don't think he properly thanked you, so let me do it on his behalf. He may be a cheese nip but dammit that still means he's a quarter American!
    Mori: "Oh my god."
    Joseph: "So is it true that you've only recently discovered your Stand as well?"
    Agent 1: "It was a hard-fought election."
    Joseph: "And that dream you were talking about, with Avdol and that strange voice... seems pretty hard to believe. But you don't seem like one of Dio's minions, so I'm not too worried."
    Mori: "What clued you in? The fact that I don't have a flesh bud front and centre in my forehead, or the fact that I didn't double-team your grandson with Kakyoin?"
    Joseph: "Best to remain skeptical around these parts. You've all got the shifty, slanty eyes."
    Mori: "Oh my GOD!"

    Mori waits for the Grand Wizard of the Ripple to leave and the night passes without incident.



    Under-the-covers tech, 7th Stand User confirmed more graphically advanced than all non-David Cage games.


    Mori: "Why is the Kujo house full of books related to the Dio-killing quest?"


    Mori: "Awkwardly. Why do you have so many fucking beds in this house? The guest rooms had two apiece and I went through another room with four beds and a giant flatscreen. Did you buy a hotel?"
    Joseph: "Yes, I'm a real-estate tycoon."
    Mori: "... oh. That actually makes sense."
    Joseph: "By the way, have you seen Holly? I've been looking for her all morning!"

    He must not have been looking very hard, because she's just at the other end of the hall in the kitchen. You know, where you'd think Joseph would check for a woman first. Regardless, Mori evades that event flag for now, desperately hunting for his quarry in the labyrinthine halls of the Kujo estate.



    Mori gazes mournfully through the keyhole into the only bathroom in the building. He should not have had all those Dora Colas yesterday.


    Mori: "Pshaw, get real, like I'd ever dream about those finely-honed sun-baked- u-uh-"


    Mori: (oh thank god)


    Avdol: "This is...!! It can't be... Pardon me!!"
    [Avdol pulled down Miss Holly's shirt... revealing a plant-like Stand growing from her back!]
    Avdol: "I can't believe it. My hand passes right through it. This is definitely a Stand!"

    Long story short, Holly doesn't have the Fighting Spirit to control her new Stand so it's killing her. This makes total sense because as it turns out even birds, dogs, rats, orangutans and fucking trees can control their Stands better than Holly.



    Jotaro has a brief display of human emotion. And that'll be the last of that for a goodly long while!
     
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    Joseph: "My daughter has... has a Stand..."
    Jotaro: "Say it already! Say you have a plan!"
    Joseph: "Nn... nngh... urgh..."

    After getting over his brief stroke, Joseph hits upon the real plan. Find Dio and kill him, thus ending his curse on the Joestar bloodline! It has a basis of absolutely nothing but hey, it's better than nothing.


    Mori: "Maybe he's in Cairo? Y'know, where Avdol saw him four months ago?"
    Joseph: "Don't be crazy, there's no telling how far he could have moved in the intervening time!"



    Jotaro has an idea, and intensely scrutinises Dio's finely-sculpted back muscles.


    Avdol: "It's a fly! A fly was buzzing in the air behind him! Wait... I... I recognise this fly!"
    Mori: "Oh no you fucking don't."
    Avdol: "Yes I do! See? The Nile Wewe Fly, mostly found by the banks of the River Nile. Highest population density is in the shade of the Aswan-"
    Mori: "No I mean, a fly just looks like a fucking fly. I refuse to believe you recognised that thing on sight unless you're some kind of... fly-scientist as a side-gig."
    Joseph: "Don't you understand how crucial this information Jotaro revealed to us is!?"


    Joseph: "... oh, or I guess we could've just waited for Kakyoin to wake up and ask him."
    Mori: [pats Jotaro's shoulder] "I thought your drawing was cool."
    Jotaro: "Take it off or I break it off."
    Mori: "Ookayy."

    Jotaro asks Kakyoin why he wants to come along. Kakyoin replies that he's not so sure himself, either teasing Jotaro about his excuse for saving his life, or still suffering from minor brain damage. In a complete nonsequitur, Avdol does a tarot reading for Jotaro to name his Stand.


    Mori: "How come he gets a tarot name and I get some obscure ska band?"
    Avdol: "For the last time, you were only dreaming of me my lily-white friend. But speaking of which...     this isn't your fight. And I don't intend to coerce you into going with us. But we could use your power. The power of a Stand-user with the courage to help those in need! I think it may be destiny that you met with us. What do you say, Morihisa? Will you lend us your strength?"
    Mori: "Of course I'm coming along. The weird voice on the radio told me it was my destiny to kill Dio, that's why he gave me my Stand."
    Avdol: "... do you hear strange disembodied voices a lot?"
    Mori: "Honey I have six now."
    Agent 3: "Hello! I beat up a fortuneteller just like you yesterday!"

    The game gives you the option to memetically cry DAGA KOTOWARU in response, which I so desperately want to, but there's no point. If you reply in the negative once, it dings everyone's FP. If you reply in the negative twice, you just get booted back to the title screen for being difficult.



    Mori remains enthusiastic instead. Everyone else chimes in with pretty bog-standard appreciative comments to signify their FP going up.


    Avdol: "Soon it will grow, constricting her entire body. It'll also inflict various symptoms such as fever, and eventually a coma... one from which she will never wake! These doctors from the Speedwagon Foundation will tend to her 24 hours a day. However, since normal humans can't see Stands, they can't do much..."

    Honestly considering just how widespread, powerful and influential the Speedwagon Foundation is, I find it hard to believe that they don't have Stand-Users in their employ. Especially considering Stand-Users are apparently so fucking common that you'll trip over one on the way to the shitter in the morning. And it'll probably be Brown Note, with the power to make you want to shit your pants, which you have to defeat with high fibre.

    Avdol: "I've watched countless people die by their own Stands in the past."

    See!? Apparently Stands are so fucking common that this random fortuneteller who was born with his (and found a fucking dog with one) has seen 'countless' numbers of them in the 'kill their own users' category alone! Clearly the SPW simply aren't trying hard enough.


    Avdol: "... her Stand vwill disappear! She'll be saved!"


    I'm not sure where Avdol got that nice round number from, considering his 'expertise' should be unapplicable since Holly's affliction is due to a metaphysical bloodline-curse instead of an ordinary Stand, but whatever. 50-day time limit, let's go with that.


    Holly: "To think I collapsed with a fever. But now that I'e taken my medicine, I feel so much better!"
    Joseph: "You startled me, Holly! Try not to give me a heart attack!"
    Jotaro: "Wouldn't be hard. Sitting up too fast probably makes your head spin, gramps."
    Joseph: "Quiet, Yellow Peril."
    Morihisa: "That sounds like a Stand name."
    Joseph: "YEAH AND ITS ABILITY IS BOMBING PEARL HARBOUR- ... ahem, sorry Holly."
    Holly: "Hmhm... right, sorry Papa! Now where were we... Right! Jotaro, what do you want for dinner?"


    Jotaro: "... I mean... Don't overexert yourself until your fever goes away."
    Holly: "... hee hee... You're right! Everyone's so nice to me when I'm sick... I guess a flu every now and then isn't too bad!"

    Holly passes out again, and the assembled Joestars fill the silence with bland expository dialogue about what that scene meant because it isn't Jojo, or anime for that matter, without far too much exposition.


    Kakyoin: "if I were ever to fall in love, I'd want it to be with a woman like her."
    Avdol: "Dude that's Jotaro's mother."
    Kakyoin: "It's fiiiiine, he doesn't have to know."
    Jotaro: [MENACING]


    Joseph: "I imagine it won't be easy explaining things to your family, but if you just tell them you're vacationing with friends, they should understand."


    Sis: "Me? No way, Dad would flip! I've gotta study for exams. Oh, I know! I'll give you these, so bring me back a souvenir or two, won't you?"
    [Got Sweets!]


    Mr. Morihisa: "Make sure to thank your chaperones. Oh, do you have enough to cover the travel expenses? Here, take this with you."
    [Got 1000G!]


    Mrs. Morihisa: "I'm not sure where you're headed or what you're planning on doing... but take care of yourself."
    [Got some medicine.]
    Mrs. Morihisa: "There's some ointment and bandages in case you run into trouble. Is there anything else you need? It's like I always say, health is the most important thing!"

    Pictured; things being incredibly easy to explain. Hell, Mori got a thousand fucking gold doubloons from his Dad!


    Salesman: "And you must be... their son! Am I right?"
    Mori: "Friend of the family."
    Salesman: "Funny. There's quite the resemblance."
    Mori: " 'Funny' is my middle name."
    Salesman: "Nice hair."
    Mori: "Nice hands. Does your husband do your manicures?"

    Once you head north and accept the prompt to return to the Kujo estate and leave, everything else gets skipped. It was kind of disorienting honestly.


    Dio: "It seems they've found me. Joseph... and... Jotaro... is it?"


     
    Ah, you've gotta love the thrill of the open road, the wind in your fabulous hair, a collection of incredibly buff men at your side, and a time limit before an innocent but aggressively victimized japanese housewife you met the day before.
     
    wait, but can't stand users touch stands? why would avdol's hand pass through Holly Purple? actually, why did he have to do that to test it in the first place - did he think it was some kind of non-stand vine that had just magically sprouted out of Holly's back like a poorly researched zombie film vector??
     
    Dekutulla said:
    wait, but can't stand users touch stands? why would avdol's hand pass through Holly Purple? actually, why did he have to do that to test it in the first place - did he think it was some kind of non-stand vine that had just magically sprouted out of Holly's back like a poorly researched zombie film vector??
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    Possibly?

    Pillar Men, Aztec acupuncture vampires, and sun kung fu are all non-Stand weird things that exist in JJBA, a vine parasite that tears out of someone's back...not that far fetched, actually?
     
    ZerbanDaGreat said:
    Joseph: "Quiet, Yellow Peril."
    Morihisa: "That sounds like a Stand name."
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    It really wouldn't be that bad honestly.
    ZerbanDaGreat said:
    Mori: " 'Funny' is my middle name."
    Salesman: "Nice hair."
    Mori: "Nice hands. Does your husband do your manicures?"
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    Hello foreshadowing.

    GilliamYaeger said:
    Joseph being outrageously racist because he's still butthurt that someone married his daughter is perfectly in character. I hope it keeps up for the entire trip.
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    This is going to be a long trip for Kakyoin and Mori.
     
    Omegahugger said:
    "Oh! Are you maybe... a friend of Jotaro's?" => "Oh! Are you maybe a boyfriend of Jotaro's?"

    I have been cursed to see homosexual innuendo even/especially where none exists, which can get really distracting at times...
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    I don't think Jotaro is anythingsexual. I think Jolyne was created by one of his abs getting sliced off and cultured into human offspring by an enemy Stand.
     
    LupineVolt said:
    There's literally a word between the ellipsese and the word 'friend' buddy. :p
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    Hence why they symbolised characters removed from the sentence and not actually replacing letters?

    Like, for all the problems with a delusional shipper's posting, I think that one's rather minor.

    TenfoldShields said:
    Jotaro is a 30 year old Captain America reject disguised as a Japanese high schooler. He's attractive only to large boulders and certain species of gorilla
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    And fists, he's pretty attractive to those too.
     
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