Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
Anything specific? I've gotten compliments and spell checks but no feedback on the actual story itself.
Hyphen (Pokemon Emerald)
Anything specific? I've gotten compliments and spell checks but no feedback on the actual story itself.
Adamantium9001
Sworn enemy of the dragon-tyrant
- Location
- Inside my own head
1) Hell yes, although preferably after she learns to talk via telepathy instead of just sending sensory data and abstract information. (e.g. <Hello, I can't talk normally but I am a skilled telepath. Do you have any potions in stock?> etc.) Now I'm imagining a glamour failure when someone sprays a repel :lol
2) This reminded me of something I wanted to say when I first started reading the story but later forgot:
@Dermonster Having our protagonist being able to understand human speech was, for me, an interesting and unexpected choice, since it is not in line with my default Pokémon headcanon. Actually, I can't think of any way for it to make sense in-universe unless she spent a lot of time around humans in the past and has had the declarative memories erased/is suppressing them, but I'll let it slide if you're making it so only the most human-like Pokémon species (plus legends and some other super-old individuals) can understand it.
- Location
- United Kingdom
Well I saw the ad for it, and I was wondering if the pokemon would become a trainer itself or something, in any case, it was a good ad, but all that's happened at the moment is the pokemon has wandered about doing that generic hippy thing of observing modern society and commenting on how everyone's in a rush and stuff. Nothing of consequence has happened yet, I thought the actions of Billy's friend might have spurned the MC into leading a revolt against human cruelty like Mew did, but apparently not, and in general its just a series of events.
The writing itself is fine, its technically correct, I've seen no notable grammar errors or anything, its just the plot is inconsequential
Epsilon Rose
The King of Unrest
Ralts are only a bit over 1 foot tall. They can't really pass for a human, no matter how they dress.
Personally, I think that would take away from the story. It shouldn't be a ralts trying to be a human trainer. It should be about a ralts who tries to become a trainer, as a ralts, and the conflicts and problems it causes. If she can just walk into a pokemart and telepathically ask for whatever she's looking for, then a lot of the potentially interesting senarios this set-up creates disapear.
Also, I really want to see a trainer try to capture her only for her to pull out her own pokemon and turn it into a fight, complete with her wildly gesticulating at the end and waving around a pokedex to get them to actually pay her.
I haven't followed pokemon for a long time, but I seem to recall the majority of them understanding human speech just fine. What part of it doesn't make sense in-universe?
I think it's worth pointing out that this story is still in the set-up. Ralts is just finding out about poke balls and how they're used and we've gotten a fairly good mix of action and looks at the different types of societies in this world. The fact that the ralts society has art, language, and use of tools that they create, but is still treated like wild animals says very interesting things about the humans in this pokemon universe and I hope they get expanded on. If the story had just jumped from ralts getting a pokeball to becoming a trainer, then we would have missed all of that and the world would be a much more generic place with less potential for interesting stories.
I think FractiousDay's criticism is a bit premature, but that is partially dependent on what your future plans are. I think a lot of what you've shown us says interesting things about the human society and scenes like Billy's battle and Ralts hiding in the dumpster reinforce that. Similarly, the scene with the house at the edge of town did a good job of showing us a very different aspect of human society and giving Ralts motivation. If the information it conveys comes up later and has an impact on the story, then it was well worth it. So far, the most, and really only, cut able scene was the one with the violinist. On it's own, it didn't add anything. However, if he becomes a recurring character, perhaps an ally for Ralts, then the scene was valuable for introducing him and helping to hint at his position in the world (though still, probably, replaceable). I think the most important piece of advice, at the moment, is keep chekov's gun in mind:
You don't necessarily need to move as fast as that quote implies, but you've hung a lot of guns already. You need to make sure they actually go off. That said, your handling of the poochyena, their foreshadowing and eventual attack, suggests you're already doing that. Just make sure something comes of the attack beyond her grandfather being scared and ralts learning hidden power.
You seem to be going for a relatively slow paced story, which is fine if you capitalize on it. So far, I think you're doing a great job.
Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
They're about the size of a child in this universe.
But... Pokemon can't become trainers? That's kind of a thing. No matter how smart or capable, pokemon are still essentially viewed as animals.
I... wasn't thinking of hidden power at all, actually. I was just going for 'Telepathically controlled rocks' there.
Thank you!
I'll try to get the next chapter done as soon as possible. It should clarify what direction this story is going.
Now if only i could make myself focus on it instead of doing the loop of procrastination. It's been 3 months why am I so shit at sitting down and writing.
Archeo Lumiere
The Prince's Archivist
- Location
- Lumiose City, Kalos
- Pronouns
- He/Him/They/Them
Set a reward, or ask for the sketch to motivate yourself.
Epsilon Rose
The King of Unrest
I'd like to point out that the average height of a 10 year old is 4'8" with and 95% fall between 3'7" and 5'10". Canonically, ralts are 1'4", which is way smaller than a child of reasonable age for catching pokemon. As the author, you're well with in your rights to make ralts much larger, but that's also going to significantly change the way they interact with the world and you need to make it clear that they're much bigger in your story.
That's true. So what happens when a human goes to capture a pokemon and, instead of fighting back like a pokemon, it has the very human reaction of calling out it's own pokemon to fight? Can the initial trainer continue to view them as just an animal? What happens if they try? Given Ralt's displayed knack for training, there's a good chance they lose. What then? Will everyone continue to view her as a simple animal or will some people sympathize with her?
There's also the fact that pokemon are viewed as animals, but you've presented us with group of pokemon that have a very human like society. What happens when people in universe are confronted with this fact? That there is a pokemon that can approach the world in the same way they can, using the same tools they do, and fills one of their most honored roles?
The discrepancy between what is perceived as possible and what is actually occurring creates an interesting story. If ralts just feigns being human and uses telepathy to communicate, then much of that is lost. That doesn't mean there aren't other interesting stories to tell with that set-up, but it feels like a bit of a waste for me.
I, on the other hand, have never done that. Nope. Not even once.
Good luck and keep fighting.
Adamantium9001
Sworn enemy of the dragon-tyrant
- Location
- Inside my own head
...Excellent point. Maybe she tries it but the glamour failure happens quickly? (Just so the audience can get some laughs)
Because even humans don't understand human speech until they've spent their entire infancy and childhood learning it?
Yes, I know 'mons understand speech in the anime, but that's a sacrifice of worldbuilding sensicality for the sake of narrative and thematic expediency, and undoing that sort of hamstringing is one of the best reasons to write fanfiction.
Definitely seconding this. This is a story that's taking its time, which I kind of dig.
Epsilon Rose
The King of Unrest
That's a good point, but a potential counter point is her society has had contact with human society and might have adopted a similar language, if for no other reason than simple proximity. The fact that her society is telepathic might help and/or hinder that.
Adamantium9001
Sworn enemy of the dragon-tyrant
- Location
- Inside my own head
But then humans would also be able to understand her (i.e. she wouldn't be mute at all if she tried to pose as one), which...would actually enhance the potential conflict you praised. Huh. How about that.
Retsof
I will keep you safe.
enjoy your likes @Dermonster . *watched*
- Location
- United Kingdom
Yea, this is fair enough, its only a few chapters in and stuff.
Not in Person
Once Known as The Nobody
- Location
- A place
By the way, I'm not sure when it would be appropriate to bring this up, but - for a while, I was expecting the MC Ralts to catch one of the Poochyenas during that fight.
Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
She left the Pokeball at home during chapter 2. Ralts and Kirlia don't exactly wear clothes most of the time. No pockets, you see, and cloth is a rather uncommon luxury.
Luckily they have natural coat... things.
Powerofmind
In Madness Fallen
- Location
- United States
Does this little Ralts community know that it has a third evolutionary stage? You've thus far only shown Kirlia and Ralts, so is it just that none of them are martially inclined enough to evolve to gardevoir (or random enough to find a dawn stone)?
Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
I think I made a post about this over on SB in the far past... where was it...
Powerofmind
In Madness Fallen
- Location
- United States
So basically no and no, then?
Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
They know, but they don't have any.
moon so bright
Chief Minion
- Location
- US East Coast
I'd totally like to see her challenge the Gyms herself. That would be awesome and hilarious, with the gym leaders being baffled by the random pokemon challenger journeying throughout the land.
Well not yet she can't. As I see it, our Ralts MC isn't so much understanding human speech, so much as reading their minds, and understanding what they're saying that way, at least that makes more sense to me as something a Psychic type can do. So far, apparently she has enough psychic training to understand language (receptive telepathy), but not enough to speak it in a way that non-Psychics can understand as language (projective telepathy)... yet.
Dermonster
The Shittiest Wizard
My april fools gag is that I made ya'll read a shit story that only updates once every four months or something. Then made you read self depreciation posts. THEN made you read meta posts about my self depreciation. Fuck.
I really should have had that Ad last for two or so weeks instead of the couple months I did put it up for.
It's up to 1k words! (I keep a mostly accurate word count in my sig now.) Break out the maracas!
I really should have had that Ad last for two or so weeks instead of the couple months I did put it up for.
It's up to 1k words! (I keep a mostly accurate word count in my sig now.) Break out the maracas!
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Oh I am slain!
Wynaut?
- Location
- Tatooine
There's no hurry! This story is lovely.
I'm currently compiling all the SV Pokemon quests and fics to create a new Pokemon discussion thread. I believe we've had one completed story/quest thus far. ^_^
Mizu
Software Developer
- Location
- Victoria, Australia
To be fair, completion of fanfic in general is kinda rare for all but one-shots. Which one, though, if you don't mind me asking?