You stand there at that door for what feels like eternity, weighing whether or not you want to keep pushing.
Finally, your knuckles come down, rapping hard, once, twice, thrice.
"Portia? Portia, are you there?"
Nobody responds.
… damn it.
Maybe you're just. Not cut out for this priestessing thing. Enthusiasm and a good heart isn't the same as being, uh. Competent. And goddess, have you ever been incompetent. What's wrong with you? Two random flings in as many days, both with dubious safety at best - you don't even have the Kiss on you anymore, you can't blame Liath for this. This is your fault.
You pace uneasily, back and forth, back and forth in front of the door. A - giant, spider-woman, uh, can't have slipped away without anyone noticing, can she? So she's here. She's got to be here.
You raise your hand to knock again, and Portia opens the door. She… does not look happy.
"Say what you have to and leave," she says flatly.
"Uh," you manage.
She crosses her arms. "An apology would be nice."
"- yeah. I was - "
"A complete and total inconsiderate idiot?"
"... I fucked up."
Portia makes a go-on motion with her hand. "And?"
"- and -"
You bite back a harsh answer, swallowing your instinctive anger. Portia is not Liath.
She looks at you, waiting patiently, the door to her room still only half-open.
"… and I'm sorry. I've failed to be a good teacher or a good Sister to you, and I don't… I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how it can be fixed. And - after what happened between us just fucking yesterday I ought to have had some goddess damned self control - "
Portia's expression softens a little. "You're right. You should've. But here we are, and now we have to deal with it."
You nod. "… can I come in?"
She shifts back, spider legs clicking across the floor as she opens the door further. "Just to talk. I mean, not that I think you're thinking of anything else, but. Yeah."
You wince. "Yeah. Yeah, I get it. You're - a good person, Portia."
She sighs as she scuttles over to a nearby table. "Don't you try to butter me up, Eli. I'm still angry at you, I'm just trying to take a page out of you Priestesses' own code and be an adult about it. So. Don't waste your time with flattery."
You close the door, biting the inside of your cheek. "Yeah, but - that's. That's the point? It's not flattery, it's - I'm thankful that you're. Giving me a chance."
Portia rubs her forehead. "You're a good person, Eli. If I thought that you'd meant for any of this to happen, I wouldn't have let you in that door. But that doesn't mean that I can just ignore it when you hurt me."
You sit down heavily at the table, across from her. "Yeah."
Neither of you say anything for a long moment, and then Portia makes another "start talking" motion.
You look down into your lap, thumb rubbing along the inside of your other hand's pointer finger. You glance up at her: her arms are still crossed over her chest, her spider half's legs tapping impatiently. You glance away before you can be accused of staring.
"You're not fooling anyone, you know," Portia says. "I can see the way you look at me, the same way everyone looks at me. Freaky spider lady with too many insect bits. Even when you started being into me, you never stopped being scared of me. Just because I'm not shaped like you are."
"...yeah," you say. "I'm still not really… used to it. I'm sorry. I'd stop if I could."
She sighs. "Damn it, it's hard to stay mad at you when you just keep beating yourself up, but - you fucked up, Eli. You were supposed to be my mentor and now I'm having to mentor you. You act like you know better than me and then you fuck up majorly, twice, and then you - I just. I don't understand it. Is it something about me that fucks you up, Eli?"
"No!", you hastily assert. "Goddess, no. It's - my superiors, actually. It's. A whole long thing, really. And not all mine to tell. So…"
She lets out a breath. "Yeah. I kind of figured when I heard that you were taking over the ritual tomorrow. Nice of you to let me know in person, Eli."
You wince. Fuck, you hadn't even considered what it'd do to Portia, if your next meeting was in the rite. It would've… gone badly. At best.
"...yeah."
Portia drums on the table with two fingers. "So. How are we going to handle that."
"- you don't have to, it's - entirely allowed for you to not do it."
Portia scowls. "And what if I want to do it, Eli? What if I was looking forward to it, my first genuine sex ritual? It's not like I wanted to be desired by someone for a reason that wasn't just because I look like a giant fucking bug, huh??"
… oh.
Oh, so. So that's why she wants to be a priestess.
You meet her eyes, and she looks away, a sudden blush leaping to her cheeks.
"- can I touch your hand," you ask.
She blinks. "Uh, I - what?"
You wince. "-bad habit, I should've just - never mind. What I - I wanted to say that it's not the spider legs."
"… but you still keep glancing at them."
"Yeah, just like people never stop noticing my skin color or my ears. I - try to avoid talking about it, because, you know, elf. At least I can pass for human. But… sometimes it's the small things that people care about too much."
"… and you're telling me this because…?"
"- because I can tell you it's never going to go away. People aren't going to start treating you as normal. It… just isn't how it works. - uh, fuck, by people, I mean - people who don't know you. You can still - be a person at people, and keep doing that, until eventually they just - see you?"
"Is that supposed to be comforting?"
You let out a breath. "No. No, it's supposed to be honest. I - I'm not going to be able to just treat you like any random other person. Even if I've only known you for two days, we've - been intimate, you know? We've fucked up and we've had sex and we've fucked up while having sex and that tells you things about people you can't just ignore. And… you're a good person, like I said. I don't want to be at odds with you."
Portia's frown only deepens. "…are you trying to tell me you've got a crush on me?"
You shake your head rapidly. "Nonononono! No, not that, definitely not that thing. I know what my crushes feel like and I do not have a crush on you, Portia. But - this happens with clients too, sometimes. Sex is intimacy, even if not all intimacy is sex, and intimacy - binds people together, in a way that matters, even if they're nothing else to each other than sex friends. It doesn't - mean what people like to attach to it, sex isn't romance, but you can't have sex with someone and still see them as exactly the same person you knew before. If nothing else, your knowledge of them is - deeper, somehow?"
She rubs her lips with the back of her thumb, and nods.
"So - I can't just ignore your body, obviously. But - I can see you as a person, first. I know you well enough for that."
"I'd believe that a lot better if you didn't just go and try to fuck Melody right in front of me. Hell, what am I saying, 'try' - you succeeded at fucking Melody in front of me."
You don't have anything to say to that, so you just nod.
"So. Eli. Look at me."
You drag your gaze back up from your feet. "- yeah."
She holds up a finger. "You get one more chance. Because you've been kind and careful and I really, honestly believe you're doing your best. But if you screw up one more time like this, I'm leaving. I can't be a priestess if it means I have to be close to someone I can't trust."
"…okay. That's fair."
"Glad we sorted that out. Now, I'm pretty sure you have more people to break the news to. I won't hold you up. I just want to sleep and sulk until it burns itself out and I can let it go. So. Please go. Better for both of us."
You get up from the table with a scrape of your chair, and she gets the door for you.
"So… see you tomorrow?"
Portia nods. "See you tomorrow. Priestess." The corner of her mouth quirks up. "Try not to mess up again before you even meet me."
You can't quite manage a smile back. "I'll do my best," you promise.
"Good," she says. Then she closes the door, and you're alone in the hallway again.
Well.
Well, Elisandra.
Now what?
[ ] Go look for the Supplicants you haven't met again.
[ ] Go pray and try to focus a little.
[ ] Go to bed early and try to get a good sleep for once.
[ ] Do something else. (Write-in.)
