SO I DID A THING!
I feel a sense of satisfaction as Sosuke screams for----
Light surges through my eyes, brighter than anything, bright enough to burn, bright enough to shatter reality.
My stomach heaves as I stumble.
What had I?
Unbidden memories of what I had done flash through my eyes, flaying my mother bit by bit enjoying her cries as my power grew.
My father broken and destroyed by his wife giving me a symphony of screams as I let my power eat him from the inside out.
Sosuke....dear, precious Sosuke, the man who I hated, the man who changed things...the man I might...love.
Sosuke writhing underneath me in submission as I took his eyes so he would look at no one else but me.
I...
This is what you are
Shut up.
Look at it face it
Shut up.
This is you, this is what you've done
I close my eyes, and bury my face in my hands trying to force the images and sounds away.. Like a frightened child, why is the light so bright?
A part of me dares to look.
It's...Sosuke?
Why does he shine like the sun? Why does he burn? Is this real?
Oh Kami...please...
"Let it be a lie," I whisper, voice hoarse. "Please. I… I could not be that terrible."
He looks at me, but he doesn't see me, not really, I...I have to touch him , to show myself that, what I saw, what I did wasn't real.
My hands reach out, and I burn, my finger tips scream as if grabbing molten metal....he's...he's fire and light, purity, not...not me...not darkness and filth.
In spite of myself I begin talking.
"So… Sosuke? Are you... Are you real?" I ask
No response, words tumble out of my raw throat.
"Oh, by the Heavens! Sosuke, please forgive me! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I… I would never do that! Not to you! Please, please believe me!"
Sosuke's face remains impassionate as ever. The burning light consuming him, he has no place for me, nothing but contempt.
My heart shatters, he can't...I don't blame him, not after what I did, but I...
The aching feeling in my chest grows
He could be yours, you just have to take him
Shut up.
Power, glory, respect, that's what you want isn't it Shasa-chan?
Be quiet Kansen I will not listen to you.
In a voice that reminds me more of thunder than Sosuke he speaks
"Woman if you are truly sorry, than kill the man Kohsa he is---"
And the the oni screams, my body flies into a wall from the force as the battle begins anew.
On my hands and knees, I try to stand. I have to ignore the stabbing pain in my heart, or the feeling like I nearly tore my eyeballs out, have to...have to do what Sosuke said.
Why do I have this accursed body, not strong enough for anything but looking pretty?
You could change that, we can help you
I can barely hear Kohsa screaming about his betrayal, so focused am I on trying to move.
Damn you!
Sosuke turns his burning light on the portal, pouring his power into his strike, the kansen scream in my ears, telling me to stop him, to take a knife and use the power in our blood to end things.
No...I can't.
Hours, maybe minutes pass before Sosuke stops, hunching over hand on his knees, his breathing deep and uneven. The portal looks weak, but at least the Kansen have stopped screaming.
Use the knife, give us a sacrifice, and all the power in the world will be yours.
More and more voices fill my head, I can't stop listening, they speak to me of how to solidify the portal, to make it permanent.
No.
DO IT
The portal calls to me, to make it real....no.
I feel Sosuke looking at me, and even as his eyes widen at my sorry state, I admit the truth. I know how it ends.
"It's not over yet," I whisper.
Not until I finish it. Finally my body is ready to listen to me again, I stand up, swaying.
"Sha-" Sosuke starts and stops, his throat raw "Shasa?"
I look towards the portal.
"You were right to direct the fire there, Sosuke-san," I continue. "The ritual was not yet ready for this step. More blood was needed to ensure the portal's stability, and your flame has weakened it further. But more will be required to seal it."
"How… How do you know these things?" he asks, "Shasa, what are you saying?"
It's like an overgrown puppy, you just kind of want to hug it. But that's not how this goes. I have to admit the truth now.
I look down at him with a sad smile, my eyes wet with unshed tears
"I know because the kansen are whispering it to me even now, Sosuke-san." Tears flow down her cheeks. "I know because I am Maho-tsukai. I cannot deny it any more, not now. Not after what I have seen. I tried to fool myself into thinking it was just a few times, that I would never touch it again. But that is… That is not how this works. I realize that now."
A stupid ignorant little girl who hated the world and wanted to change it for herself, a stupid selfish little girl...that was what I had been. I had thought myself so clever , so wise to hide myself from my idiot clansmen.
How had it all come to this?
"Wha-What?" he asks.
With that voice I have my answer.
Hiruma Sosuke, without meaning too, saved me from myself.
I had to repay that debt.
I gather my strength ignoring that puppy dog look again.
"There is still something that must be done before this portal can be closed, The ritual was completed with a sacrifice… and it must be broken with one. I will see this finished."
Finding will I never knew I had, I force myself to step towards the portal.
Another step, forward, just one more at a time.
"Shasa, oni lie," Sosuke shouts from behind. "The kansen lie. I do not know what was done to you or what you can hear, but if dark powers tell you to shed blood on a portal to their realms you should probably not do that, no matter what they claim it will or won't do!"
I'm finally at the portal, the Kansen continue to whisper to me everything, how I can be a goddess, how I can be all that I ever wanted. If I would just do this one thing.
Picking up the knife that Kohsa used, I turn back to Sosuke. My face forced into a perfect mask.
"My apologies, Sosuke-san," I say, trying desperately not to show the sadness inside. "I was not clear. I do not know how to close this portal because the kansen are telling me how. I know what must be done because the kansen are telling me how to stabilize it. I am… I am not the best with blood magic, but by doing the opposite I will be able to destroy this foul thing." I explain.
"You don't know that!" he screams. "Shasa! Shasa, please! You don't have to do this!"
The ache in my chest hurts a little more at that. He cares, he really does, a part of me admits that makes me happy...but the rest knows that I'm going to die. One more tragedy in a life filled with them.
After what I saw, what I know I will become, I can't let myself live.
"But I do," I say, looking at the knife. "You don't know what I saw, Sosuke-san. I was… I was a monster. I bathed in the blood of my family, lorded over the torture of our people. And you… what I did to you…"
To those wonderful eyes of his...and his mouth...his everything, for someone I love, I hurt him terribly in a way that can never be forgiven, even if it was an illusion...it was something I could do...would do in time.
"That doesn't matter," He says his voice turning to a shout at the end. "Shasa, it was a lie. It was a vision made to hurt us, nothing more!"
Sosuke, why do you make me do this? Do you think I want to tell you the truth? But I...I can't lie to you now, not here.
"No," I respond, shaking my head. "It was that, and so much worse. I have lived my life deceiving myself, thinking my petty wants were justified and that Bushido was nothing but silly rules to hold me back."
I look into his eyes for the last time. "But then you showed me what true honor is with your every action, the joy that could come from serving a cause larger than oneself. And I was… I was ashamed of myself."
The gentle chats, the way he was so earnest all the time...and how he acted, I don't think I had a chance against him really.
"Please don't do this," he begs his voice nothing more than a whisper. "Shasa, please! We can get you help. We can find another way to close the portal. Just… please…"
Again the familiar ache, is it love? Maybe, I want it to be...but what do I know of love?
"I think…" I say slowly. "I think you and I might have been good together, Sosuke-san. I think… I think I might love you. And that is why I cannot let you die to the horrors waiting to emerge." I give him one last smile.
"Goodbye." I say.
Turning away, I cut my palms with the knife, and summon my will to make the Kansen obey.
Blood pours out of me in an unending flood, and I barely notice my body trembling from the pain, I have to do this. I have to---
