It would somewhat depend on the kind of book. If you want with it as a full stand alone novel in the traditional sense it probably wouldn't have a strong enough ending. However if you played it as the first entry to a trilogy or a light novel series it would fit a lot better. They allow for more loose ends and softer climaxes in individual novels.
It's meant to be a series.
Enjoyed it quite a bit, however, as a stand alone book I think it is too weak right now, and needs some rewrites.
1: It needs to be refined with "show, don't tell," as right now there is a lot of exposition. Good and interesting exposition, but I think two or three rewrites focusing on how to show some things instead of telling them would be good.
2: Character development is there, but a bit rough. Major elements include Samael forgiving Knuckles, controlling his anger,, and his introspection about his faith and the debt he owes his parents, guardian, and heaven. That needs polishing. Including being able to depict his changes more outwardly, with less inner monologue. Understand, inner monologue can work, but not as well for Samael, as he comes across as a very direct man who lives his life in the open. Additionally, while the character development for the other characters exist, it needs expansion and polishing.
3: Jessy in particular (and to a lesser extend Camilla) need more development. Jessy in particular feels disconnected from the story. Frankly there is currently no reason to have her in the story at all as anything more than to provide the summoning of a flier to pull the floating group. Which could easily be fulfilled by an unnamed summoner. If you intend to give Jessy more to do later than I would suggest instead having her only appear as the cameo on the trip to the Bonepit and then again to summon the flier. Then have a more connected and detailed story of Jessy's training to start off the next novel. Perhaps making her the POV for that novel. Camilla on the other hand does begin to get filled in, but perhaps because we see things so much from Samael's POV (and he's an oblivious man) it takes a while before we start understanding her. Something that might help with Camilla is answering the question of why she doesn't already have a good adventuring group despite being so powerful. Perhaps building on the fact that she's a bit of an airhead, sheltered, and possibly people not liking that she's the clan leader's sister (maybe a feeling that she didn't work her way up from the ranks). Something that adds more to the mishmash of misfits that Samael's party seems to be.
4: There should also be some rewrites based on improving pacing. It felt sometimes like you skipped over "boring" parts, which isn't bad, but a better approach would be to take some of that time to develop the characters more. It just felt sometimes like the story was trying to "get to the good stuff" instead of naturally flowing there. Pacing rewriting should probably be done before other rewriting efforts.
5: There also might be some worth in developing the world atmosphere more. In the beginning there was a real oppressive feeling about the injustice and corruption of the world. But then we get to the dungeons and a lot of that isn't felt anymore. Something that subtly impresses that the corruption of the Duke is omnipresent (even if more diffuse in the adventurer world) would be fitting. Especially since the Duke ends up the main villain. Nothing explicit or in your face, I think the threat should feel lessened, and more distant, but something more than there currently - something that says it may be distant but not gone. Also, one thing I noticed was after the guardian died, there were a group of people who showed kindness to Samael, referring to him as "our church boy." Maybe a small earlier scene signalling that there was some of that would be good. Something like a mother figure. A Nancy figure, yes, I think Nancy would be the best fit for this story. Nothing major, just a small scene prior to the later scene after the priest dies.
Probably some more things could be improved, but I think that's a good starting list.
1: It needs to be refined with "show, don't tell," as right now there is a lot of exposition. Good and interesting exposition, but I think two or three rewrites focusing on how to show some things instead of telling them would be good.
2: Character development is there, but a bit rough. Major elements include Samael forgiving Knuckles, controlling his anger,, and his introspection about his faith and the debt he owes his parents, guardian, and heaven. That needs polishing. Including being able to depict his changes more outwardly, with less inner monologue. Understand, inner monologue can work, but not as well for Samael, as he comes across as a very direct man who lives his life in the open. Additionally, while the character development for the other characters exist, it needs expansion and polishing.
3: Jessy in particular (and to a lesser extend Camilla) need more development. Jessy in particular feels disconnected from the story. Frankly there is currently no reason to have her in the story at all as anything more than to provide the summoning of a flier to pull the floating group. Which could easily be fulfilled by an unnamed summoner. If you intend to give Jessy more to do later than I would suggest instead having her only appear as the cameo on the trip to the Bonepit and then again to summon the flier. Then have a more connected and detailed story of Jessy's training to start off the next novel. Perhaps making her the POV for that novel. Camilla on the other hand does begin to get filled in, but perhaps because we see things so much from Samael's POV (and he's an oblivious man) it takes a while before we start understanding her. Something that might help with Camilla is answering the question of why she doesn't already have a good adventuring group despite being so powerful. Perhaps building on the fact that she's a bit of an airhead, sheltered, and possibly people not liking that she's the clan leader's sister (maybe a feeling that she didn't work her way up from the ranks). Something that adds more to the mishmash of misfits that Samael's party seems to be.
4: There should also be some rewrites based on improving pacing. It felt sometimes like you skipped over "boring" parts, which isn't bad, but a better approach would be to take some of that time to develop the characters more. It just felt sometimes like the story was trying to "get to the good stuff" instead of naturally flowing there. Pacing rewriting should probably be done before other rewriting efforts.
5: There also might be some worth in developing the world atmosphere more. In the beginning there was a real oppressive feeling about the injustice and corruption of the world. But then we get to the dungeons and a lot of that isn't felt anymore. Something that subtly impresses that the corruption of the Duke is omnipresent (even if more diffuse in the adventurer world) would be fitting. Especially since the Duke ends up the main villain. Nothing explicit or in your face, I think the threat should feel lessened, and more distant, but something more than there currently - something that says it may be distant but not gone. Also, one thing I noticed was after the guardian died, there were a group of people who showed kindness to Samael, referring to him as "our church boy." Maybe a small earlier scene signalling that there was some of that would be good. Something like a mother figure. A Nancy figure, yes, I think Nancy would be the best fit for this story. Nothing major, just a small scene prior to the later scene after the priest dies.
Probably some more things could be improved, but I think that's a good starting list.
DarkSideBard
Flying, without moving on
This rings a bit hollow in a world with endless, horrible, literal actual monsters (some omnivorous and from the stars). Like, it was an overused cliche not considering that fact, but with it? Kinda glaring.
I happen to agree myself. This is more a demonstration to myself that I can actually write something like this. Thank you for the feedback.
I'll probably remove that line.
- Location
- Pale Blue Dot
Actually.... to me it rings true. People like Templeton inflicts A LOT of damage to the societies they live in. That World Boss? It probably did more damage. Probably. But it's actually not a sure thing, instory. So you have a ruler that's supposed to protect the land, that in actuality is bleeding the people there dry while they are trying to survive... yeah. He's a guy who in-story has probably done damage approaching that of this world boss. Not there. Not yet. But how many years would he need to catch the difference?
Sadly, yes, it's a cliche. A cliche because it happens. For example Stalin? He could have laughed at what that world boss did and called it a wannabe. And compared to his resume, by the acts, by the numbers? It would be.
Something being 'from the stars' does not make it more evil. Just something easier to accept as 'other'.
The only problem here is that it's a cliche. It got there by being true, but still. I would either add "...but Trenton was not there yet. Better not give him the opportunity." Alternatively rewrite it to something like "Lots of monsters out there - and some of the two legged ones were hard at work trying to catch up."
Last edited:
Relevant to the discussion then; the Holodomor in Ukraine during the early 1930's was a famine engineered by the USSR government to make Ukraine compliant. It killed between 2.5 and 4 million people.
Bad, neglectful, poorly thought out or flat out malicious leadership will generally do more damage to a society than the environment ever will. Mostly because a properly lead society will have prepared and hardened itself for the challenges the environment poses for it, greatly minimizing the damage it could do.
Sirrocco
Pedantic
Possibly rewrite the line a bit instead? Keep the comparison with monsters, but don't just talk about "greatest monster". Make it a bit less cliche. This world in particular has seen a lot of devastation coming from mismanagement. It lets Block be a bit more rational/cold about it, if he's thinking about damage done rather than "greatest monster". The cold hard calculus feels more right for him, at least to me.
"At least in the dungeon the monsters don't pretend they are helping you."
Chapter 81
Samael heard the news of the duke's assassination practically weeks after it had occurred. The monk supposed he should have felt something after all. He had been forced into ridiculous situations, and had likely nearly died several times thanks to the man. At best he felt a vague sort of relief. The duke had been a nebulous enemy on the face of it. Samael supposed that came with facing a bureaucrat instead of a monster. Your enemy was paperwork instead of claws and fists. Samael preferred the claws.
The monk eventually dismissed the entire affair. He had other, more poignant issues to handle. The town they were building was coming together now, and had nearly been rebuilt already and it there was a finishing touch that everyone wanted to do.
A memorial was being created by several mages to set in the center of the city now. Powered by the standard magical pillars that bordered the city, it was in the shape of a sphere that floated above a platform, courtesy of a fair bit of magical calculations. The sphere was made of glass, and inside it were a lot of smaller and indistinct people shaped figurines.
It was half a joke and half a token of appreciation. A symbol of the people who flew in on Camila's impromptu spell as reinforcements. There had been arguments that it was too frivolous to those that had died, but someone had taken the idea and run with it, and all the other ideas had been deemed too serious.
Adventurers reacted to death differently than other people really. There was always a chance that someone would die because of a mistake or just bad luck. The dungeon always took its due after all. All you could do was drink, laugh, and be merry while you could, and leave a space for those that have departed.
Samael had been there for the unveiling, and been there for the subsequent toasts. Loud and rude, they were nothing like the formal dinner. There had been cursing, fighting, and more. All of it vibrant and alive. Even the crying and the sobbing at the foot of the memorial.
That was why he was at the base of the memorial again. This time when the moon was high and full. He watched the large sphere wobble in midair and couldn't help the small chuckle to himself.
It was just a bit ridiculous. He reached out and jumped slightly to poke at the side of it. The ball wobbled again and even shifted up and down before re-centering itself. Samael wouldn't have chosen to use this himself, but strangely he wasn't disappointed by it.
He needed to remind himself to be humble too. Pride was something to watch too. He had looked like those little figures in the sphere coming here to help.
Clapping his hands together, Samael began to pray.
He gave thanks to the heavens above. To his family, and to his allies. To those that had helped him, and to the good fortune that had brought him to this point. The man wasn't ashamed to admit that he had gotten a lot of good fortune. He was thankful for that.
Now though, with the town starting to fix itself, the man needed to figure out what to do with his life. He was completely and totally free for the first time in his life. No obligations, no mysteries. He had no enemies that he knew of. There were no monsters on the horizon.
The thought was a bit daunting honestly. He had enough money that he could likely retire. He could teach for the rest of his days if he wanted too. He could spend the rest of his years passing on his style.
Samael looked down at his hand in contemplation, and then made a fist. He could rest if he wanted to. He really could.
That wasn't him though. The monk smiled to himself and jumped up to slap at the sphere again. It wobbled and did a turn.
No, Samael still had one obligation. He needed to learn how to fight. He wasn't done yet. He might have been elite, but that was just the beginning. Samael's next goal was elite dungeons.
Then more.
There were tales of monstrous world bosses in the deeper sea. Dungeons underwater that dwarfed nations. There were things in the sky waiting to drop down and cause havok. There was an entire world to explore. Continents that lay across the sea and filled with something new.
Samael wanted to fight it all. He wanted to put up his fists and test his mettle against everything. He wanted to fight, and win against monsters. To prove himself, to test himself.
One day, far in the future. Samael wanted to walk through the gates of heaven and say that he knew how to fight. That was his ultimate goal. He just had to continue down his path step after step. Practice, breath, and strive.
He would one day be known as Samael the monk.
--
AN: This is the last chapter of this particular book. I will fully admit that it likely ends on a poor note. This entire story needs to be edited and adjusted of course, but that's part of actually trying to write an actual book. This was a personal project just to prove to myself that I could possibly write something that could legitimately publish. I see a lot of how far I need to go unfortunately, but I can be satisfied that I actually gave the attempt. There are massive flaws with this, and I'm honestly just a bit daunted by them, but that's part of the process.
Next step's going to be me working on editing and re-writing a lot of it. Which admittedly is going to hurt. I'll link something in this or on my profile page if I ever manage that and try to publish something.
Thank you for reading. I had fun, and I hope you did too.
The monk eventually dismissed the entire affair. He had other, more poignant issues to handle. The town they were building was coming together now, and had nearly been rebuilt already and it there was a finishing touch that everyone wanted to do.
A memorial was being created by several mages to set in the center of the city now. Powered by the standard magical pillars that bordered the city, it was in the shape of a sphere that floated above a platform, courtesy of a fair bit of magical calculations. The sphere was made of glass, and inside it were a lot of smaller and indistinct people shaped figurines.
It was half a joke and half a token of appreciation. A symbol of the people who flew in on Camila's impromptu spell as reinforcements. There had been arguments that it was too frivolous to those that had died, but someone had taken the idea and run with it, and all the other ideas had been deemed too serious.
Adventurers reacted to death differently than other people really. There was always a chance that someone would die because of a mistake or just bad luck. The dungeon always took its due after all. All you could do was drink, laugh, and be merry while you could, and leave a space for those that have departed.
Samael had been there for the unveiling, and been there for the subsequent toasts. Loud and rude, they were nothing like the formal dinner. There had been cursing, fighting, and more. All of it vibrant and alive. Even the crying and the sobbing at the foot of the memorial.
That was why he was at the base of the memorial again. This time when the moon was high and full. He watched the large sphere wobble in midair and couldn't help the small chuckle to himself.
It was just a bit ridiculous. He reached out and jumped slightly to poke at the side of it. The ball wobbled again and even shifted up and down before re-centering itself. Samael wouldn't have chosen to use this himself, but strangely he wasn't disappointed by it.
He needed to remind himself to be humble too. Pride was something to watch too. He had looked like those little figures in the sphere coming here to help.
Clapping his hands together, Samael began to pray.
He gave thanks to the heavens above. To his family, and to his allies. To those that had helped him, and to the good fortune that had brought him to this point. The man wasn't ashamed to admit that he had gotten a lot of good fortune. He was thankful for that.
Now though, with the town starting to fix itself, the man needed to figure out what to do with his life. He was completely and totally free for the first time in his life. No obligations, no mysteries. He had no enemies that he knew of. There were no monsters on the horizon.
The thought was a bit daunting honestly. He had enough money that he could likely retire. He could teach for the rest of his days if he wanted too. He could spend the rest of his years passing on his style.
Samael looked down at his hand in contemplation, and then made a fist. He could rest if he wanted to. He really could.
That wasn't him though. The monk smiled to himself and jumped up to slap at the sphere again. It wobbled and did a turn.
No, Samael still had one obligation. He needed to learn how to fight. He wasn't done yet. He might have been elite, but that was just the beginning. Samael's next goal was elite dungeons.
Then more.
There were tales of monstrous world bosses in the deeper sea. Dungeons underwater that dwarfed nations. There were things in the sky waiting to drop down and cause havok. There was an entire world to explore. Continents that lay across the sea and filled with something new.
Samael wanted to fight it all. He wanted to put up his fists and test his mettle against everything. He wanted to fight, and win against monsters. To prove himself, to test himself.
One day, far in the future. Samael wanted to walk through the gates of heaven and say that he knew how to fight. That was his ultimate goal. He just had to continue down his path step after step. Practice, breath, and strive.
He would one day be known as Samael the monk.
--
AN: This is the last chapter of this particular book. I will fully admit that it likely ends on a poor note. This entire story needs to be edited and adjusted of course, but that's part of actually trying to write an actual book. This was a personal project just to prove to myself that I could possibly write something that could legitimately publish. I see a lot of how far I need to go unfortunately, but I can be satisfied that I actually gave the attempt. There are massive flaws with this, and I'm honestly just a bit daunted by them, but that's part of the process.
Next step's going to be me working on editing and re-writing a lot of it. Which admittedly is going to hurt. I'll link something in this or on my profile page if I ever manage that and try to publish something.
Thank you for reading. I had fun, and I hope you did too.
- Location
- England
This was a fantastic work, you should be proud of it. So glad I found it by accident, I binged it all in one day. Can't wait to see the finished edited product-I hope you put it on Amazon Kindle unlimited or something.
Keep us in the loop, especially if you do a sequel.
Keep us in the loop, especially if you do a sequel.
Wait.
Isn't being able to declare your name a sign of being such a paragon of the title you can't help but be an utter badass and exemplar?
- Location
- England
I think that's the point. He isn't Declaring it outloud, just in his head. He wants to be that utter badass exemplar in time.
I did!
I think that the conclusion with the memorial is a great wrap-up. Satisfying enough even if I can't go pick up the sequel right now, yet leaving enough there for me to want more.
This is a pretty good story, and I really enjoyed it. However, there are some places that I feel that you can improve this story. I'm of the opinion that a good story would focus on the protagonist's Hero's Journey, where he sets out to seek to change the status quo, and returns with treasure/knowledge from his journey to affect that a change. This story started off great: it introduced our protagonist, showed what problems he's facing in his "status quo", then shoved him into finding the means of changing his situation with the death of his mentor. He then faces multiple challenges in the forms of dungeons to overcome, his status as a Brawler, and finding his place in the world around him. However, it feels like he never truly hit the Belly of the Beast, where he's at his lowest or most difficult point.
Is it the world boss? Sure, it's physically threatening, but overall it just felt like an amped up version of the regular dungeon bosses. Samael doesn't get any true insight into what makes him a Monk, or if it does, it isn't portrayed as well as it could be. At the end of the fight, he should have came to the realization of how far he has come, what he can currently do, and what the future lays ahead for him. Instead, all he gets is a "good job for surviving, you're now all elites" talk.
Is it the Duke? He certainly poses a threat in the form of the political might he has, as well as the motivation to preserve the status quo. However, the Duke hastily gets written out at the end, leaving out a lot of the conflict that could be had. If you felt that it would extend the story too much, then have him as a looming threat at the end of the story, waiting to cause more problems for Samael later on in a sequel. Have the next story be about Samael and society, how he's trying to establish something new with the Brawlers, and how society prefers things to stay the same.
Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like this story really reached the crescendo it was building up to before heading into the denouement. In addition to this, while the side character chapters on the summoner is an interesting way to peek at the world the story resides in, it doesn't really add to the plot in any way or form. You can easily cut them out and nothing of value would be lost. Instead, have the discovery be from the side of Samael, or from things that directly intersects with Samael. The chapters featuring the Duke, or Samael's party members, are all very interesting ways of getting another perspective of the world, but the summoner doesn't really add anything new. In short, make a better and more defined peak point for the story, and cut out the unnecessary characters.
Is it the world boss? Sure, it's physically threatening, but overall it just felt like an amped up version of the regular dungeon bosses. Samael doesn't get any true insight into what makes him a Monk, or if it does, it isn't portrayed as well as it could be. At the end of the fight, he should have came to the realization of how far he has come, what he can currently do, and what the future lays ahead for him. Instead, all he gets is a "good job for surviving, you're now all elites" talk.
Is it the Duke? He certainly poses a threat in the form of the political might he has, as well as the motivation to preserve the status quo. However, the Duke hastily gets written out at the end, leaving out a lot of the conflict that could be had. If you felt that it would extend the story too much, then have him as a looming threat at the end of the story, waiting to cause more problems for Samael later on in a sequel. Have the next story be about Samael and society, how he's trying to establish something new with the Brawlers, and how society prefers things to stay the same.
Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like this story really reached the crescendo it was building up to before heading into the denouement. In addition to this, while the side character chapters on the summoner is an interesting way to peek at the world the story resides in, it doesn't really add to the plot in any way or form. You can easily cut them out and nothing of value would be lost. Instead, have the discovery be from the side of Samael, or from things that directly intersects with Samael. The chapters featuring the Duke, or Samael's party members, are all very interesting ways of getting another perspective of the world, but the summoner doesn't really add anything new. In short, make a better and more defined peak point for the story, and cut out the unnecessary characters.
- Location
- England
related to what Jwang said, while it was interesting to see the Summoner class in action, I didn't exactly see the point in the Jess character who we kept flicking back to for the side stories. I'm not sure what she contributed to the story.
Unless you're trying to set her up as a main character for the second book, you should either see if you can get her information about the world in Samael's POV instead or make her be more involved in the themes of Samael's story. For example-when the two first meet in Bonepit, maybe have them strike up a friendship or reignite an old friendship (did they grow up together but lost touch before Samael's parents died?). Perhaps they keep up a correspondence, explaining why we switch between stories. That way, we see through her eyes how much Samael has grown-or perhaps through her we learn about the rumors about Monks, rather than randomly through friendly Dungeon pyromaniacs.
Alternatively, if you want to stress political corruption or abuse of powers by nobles as a theme in this series, maybe Jess deals with that in her storyline. Maybe not the Duke, but another political presence-maybe someone waiting in the shadows who will grab the vacuum of power left by the Duke's death? Because currently, Jess doesn't have any real conflict in her storyline-nothing stopping her from reaching her goal. In fact, she doesn't seem to have a goal-we don't know why she wants to be an adventurer.
Just some thoughts. I think Jess could be an opportunity to develop your world, but if you don't want to capitalise on it, perhaps you should cut her.
Unless you're trying to set her up as a main character for the second book, you should either see if you can get her information about the world in Samael's POV instead or make her be more involved in the themes of Samael's story. For example-when the two first meet in Bonepit, maybe have them strike up a friendship or reignite an old friendship (did they grow up together but lost touch before Samael's parents died?). Perhaps they keep up a correspondence, explaining why we switch between stories. That way, we see through her eyes how much Samael has grown-or perhaps through her we learn about the rumors about Monks, rather than randomly through friendly Dungeon pyromaniacs.
Alternatively, if you want to stress political corruption or abuse of powers by nobles as a theme in this series, maybe Jess deals with that in her storyline. Maybe not the Duke, but another political presence-maybe someone waiting in the shadows who will grab the vacuum of power left by the Duke's death? Because currently, Jess doesn't have any real conflict in her storyline-nothing stopping her from reaching her goal. In fact, she doesn't seem to have a goal-we don't know why she wants to be an adventurer.
Just some thoughts. I think Jess could be an opportunity to develop your world, but if you don't want to capitalise on it, perhaps you should cut her.
Whenever Jess appeared, it seemed like a tutorial on how the "game" is played. So we got a intro to the compass party system, how untitled people who have sparked potentially get a title, and then later on a more complete version of a party grinding for a "drop." I can see how those don't fit the narrative but at the time they were like little side stories about the world and how it runs.
Sirrocco
Pedantic
Oddly, it would have seemed more natural if it had been different NPCs. The fact that it was Jess every time seemed to suggest that she was important, whereas if it had switched between characters, the individual scenes would have stood pretty well on their own. I kept expecting her to turn into a romantic interest.