Chronicles of a Young Woman's Love Life

[Optimal Robotics]

So my plan for the plays was to have a couple of sappy romances to butter up all the ponies and get them in the mood for, uh, well... at least a chaste hug. The first play was about forbidden love and how sincerity in relationships can win the day. A little on the nose, but that's nothing compared to the second one. For that one I drew from something that existed a few hundred years before I had even arrived in Equestria. One of the few plays personally approved by Celestia herself, in fact!

It features an interracial romance that the local sheriff tries to end. The shenanigans that ensued slowly escalating in both scope and improbability until Celestia herself had to come lay down the law that this romance will. Be. Allowed! Going so far as to even officiate the wedding for the finale. I made sure to keep the earth pony and unicorn backgrounds unchanged though. I'm not trying to get lynched for actual heresy.

Things did not go as well as I was hoping they would, though... I was hoping for a high school level performance at minimum. What actually happened was far too many technical failures, and everybody forgetting their lines so often that I had to literally feed them to the actors with encoded love from under the stage. In the end it felt more like a kindergarten level production.

It was after this disaster that I found out, to my utter bucking horror, that nobody except my infiltrators know how to modulate their love intake! What was Chrysalis even doing with these kids, raising child soldiers!? Yes. Yes she was. I then spent the next couple hours completely reworking my cuddle tent concept into something resembling training their control. And then came the first violent altercation. Well at least it took this long.

A colorful assortment of characters had chased one of my drones back to the stage. Apparently, she had fallen back into old habits when trying to talk to a mare she liked. Or at least that's the most generous interpretation of events as they were told. I simply looked over to regard her with utter dispassion and she proceeded to embarrass us both in front of the locals by freaking out. Honestly, I would've just sent her back to the hive. I'm not Chrysalis...

The second play, at least, went marginally better than the first. Got all the way up to grade school level quality. Then I stole the scene as Celestia. Came swooping in from nowhere, saving the two cornered lovebirds with illusory fire and fury. I had a painted target backstage where I would be aiming my underpowered combat spells at, and the sheriff pretended to get hit by them as I stripped her of her titles. When it came time for me to perform the 'marriage' between the couple at the end I made sure to read all my official lines as "radda radda radda." I didn't want to marry my two changelings by accident after all. Holy matrimony would have long lasting consequences for them! Honestly, wouldn't it be better if it were two infiltrators who know how to act, instead of Nunya and a random drone she requested?

In between these two plays I found out that an impromptu farmer's market had popped up in front of the stage, along with several other vendors. This served to attract a steady stream of customers to the cuddle tent throughout the day, where I was previously expecting none. That was very good news! Asking around on how this happened revealed that it was a pink party pony that arranged all this. One that I even managed to snag for her continued services!

Though my enthusiasm for this success was dampened by a few factors. First one being that she was apparently friends with those aforementioned colorful characters. They seemed quite concerned about my intentions and capabilities when we last interacted. Normally a commendable trait when dealing with nominally hostile parties, but really darned inconvenient to the reparation and peace efforts! And then there's the other issue with her...

It's a new day today. In-between the two plays, and one of my infiltrators was filling me in on my new hire's identity.

"What do you mean she's one of the elements of Harmony?! Aren't those things kept under lock and key in the capital?" The infiltrator in front of me shifts uncomfortably.

"Our intelligence indicates she's the wielder of the element of joy. Our prewar intelligence that is... During the invasion of Canterlot she quickly knocked out thirty of our drones all by herself, laughing all the while." She shudders in fear before continuing. "Furthermore, she hasn't exuded any emotion other than unrelenting joy. She may be incapable of anything else, in fact. My Queen, are you sure that the jewels in Canterlot aren't just decoys?" This is very troubling. And it's not something I can just dismiss due to my experience in my past life interacting with a 'divine' artifact. I'm not sure if this would be the same kind of magic, but half of the Elements of Harmony are explicitly emotion based. Hmm...

"I'm not worried about her. She was only violent towards us when presented with violence. Heck, she has even helped us unbidden in our endeavors. Send her in." She salutes and opens the door to my chambers. My hypothesis about this pony is proven correct in the following conversation. No hostile, false, or disrespectful moves were made on her part towards me or mine. I managed to pry out of her that she wouldn't be able to be quite as successful in the other towns we'd be visiting, so I lured some other vendors on the road with us. I made sure to treat everypony with respect and strict guest rights. I even got my errant drone back from the constabulary by leveraging their own unwillingness to feed her against them! Everything was going exactly according to plan...

That is until the following morning, when I found out that another element bearer was tagging along with us in Pinkie Pie's wagon!

Fluttershy​

It was quite nerve-wracking to be walking around with these Changelings at first. Though strangely enough, not any more so than any other new person. It helps when I start viewing their behavior as I would an animal's. Starving, fearful, and lashing out fits their behavior all too well. That combined with the pamphlet I got in town makes me shudder in horror and pity when I look at their exoskeletal holes for too long.

It's enough to make you just wanna go up and hug them! Which I did, in fact. A few times already! I put my love into it to really make them feel wanted. I was a little bit tired afterwards, but nothing too bad... Luckily they don't react too aggressively when you do that to them, only two seconds of anemic flailing followed by slackened acceptance. I wouldn't dare do that to a hungry bear, but that's just the kind of advantage you get when dealing with civilized folks, all the while being more used to interacting with animals!

After a couple hours of walking out of town, I'm summoned to walk side by side with the queen. Oh my...

"Y-yes your m-m-majesty?" I stutter as I trot up to her. I fail to suppress a flinch at the stuttering.

"It has come to my attention that I have two Element Bearers tagging along in my camp even though I only invited one. And I didn't know Pinkie as anything other than an event planner at the time."

"Oh, th-that. Um, that w-was because m-me and Twilight Sparkle had a disagr-greement about your i-intentions. She just doesn't know what it's like to be sc-scared all the time. W-We got into an argument, and I'm here because I need my sp-space while I cool off."

"Oh." She looks somewhat taken aback. "Well, could you write the Princesses a letter describing the situation? It would be unfortunate if there were any misunderstandings due to one mare's paranoia."

"S-sure!" I stutter out. Though after I say that I start to look at her. And I mean, really look at her... Past the facade she puts up, to what I can find out with my talent. And what I see is hurt, deep and ragged. Like what I saw with Princess Celestia right before Luna accepted her peace offering, though somehow both old and new...

Without thinking about it, I wrap my hooves around her for the best hug I've given today. Unfortunately, she tenses up under me and telekinetically removes me from her almost instantly.

"I appreciate the sustenance, but I am a married mare." She then dismisses me with a simple flutter of her wing. I make sure to leave posthaste. Married? Oh my goodness! Didn't she come to the wedding with an invitation? Or at least, that's what Twilight said anyways! Ooooh, this has so many implications!!

But first I'll have to write some letters. I'm going to write two as fast as I can. One going to Princess Luna and another to Princess Cadenza. Hopefully I can get Pinkie to write the one to Princess Celestia instead of me... I swear, she can be so flighty sometimes!



AN: Beta credit to Pandora

 

[Optimal Robotics]

"I still can't believe anybody would defy a Celestial Edict like that. This is the second time too!" I look over to the pink one from my cozy roost. Is she still going on about that? Power reaches only as far as you make it after all, and it sounds like this 'Celestia' doesn't make the rounds as often as she should. I warble as much into my friend's ear.

"Y-yes Angel, we all know you take an animalistic view to power, but you only need to look at the sun to be reminded of Celestia's." I make a raspberry noise. Yeah, no way anybody's that powerful! They both freeze up at that. Oh, I think I made my friend mad. I hop off her head and dash out of the tent before she can make her displeasure known. She may have a soft and fwuffy extewior, but I don't wanna hear her yell at me ever again. I'm gonna cause some mischief in the bad town while I wait for her to cool off.

First on my order of business is to season a pie I spotted cooling, with a few rabbit pellets. Really liven up these ponies palates! Then I wander around town a bit, eavesdropping for something new about the bug horse things. Not that I had to wait too long... These ponies just love to talk.

"I can't believe those monsters thought they could get away with faking a Celestial Edict!" Looks like an old gossipy mare and her son. "The nerve of them. Too bad they outnumber our guard or else we'd have whipped 'em real good!"

"Mee-ma, are you sure it was a forgery? It used real gold for the lettering and-"

"Pshaw, of course it was fake. No way the Princesses would let these monsters back in after what they did... What's that in your hoof son?"

"Just a pamphlet somepony was handing out..." The walking raisin snatches it from his hoof.

"Changelings And You? What rubbish! Where did you say this was being passed out, son?" I bounce out the window. I'm pretty sure I know where that song and dance is going, and I don't want to be there for it. Going through the town I kick over some potted plants for kicks and then... Go back to my friend? Ah, but I don't want to risk it! She could still be mad at me! I choose to wander around the camp a bit, weaving through all these bug horse things, when suddenly I catch one of their eyes. Oh boy, that doesn't feel good. I know what a predator's gaze feels like! Then she suddenly turns into a female bunny and cutely flutters her eyelashes at me...

You know what? I'm down for that.

My friend would only find me about an hour later, completely exhausted, and resting on top of a pillow.

---

A couple days later, I'm running around under the stands, as you do, when one of the couples being seated starts whispering in embarrassment.

"Well how was I supposed to know that's not what they meant by love soaked?"

"Relax honey, they didn't seem to mind. They even said it was a good conductor for love magic. They probably just overcharged you a bit." I sniff the air. Smells like estrus. Stupid ponies being weird about sex then, again. I'm not even sure why, even. Not like this hasn't happened about twenty times already since the tour began! I pop my head up to deliver a loud squeak just under their hooves and run away. Ahahahahaha!! Stupid ponies.

My random walking, not really, Of under the bleachers soon found a pair of horse bug things to eavesdrop on next.

"I cannot believe this play harvesting strategy is actually working. It's ridiculous!"

"Well, what did you expect dude? Our new queen had to have fed herself somehow before ruling the hive."

"Well yeah, but she didn't do it as herself, did she? And I don't think asking nicely like this has ever worked for us before."

"...Did Chrysalis even let us try that?" Bored now! Moving on.

Going to mess with the Queen now~! She's mostly been a good sport about things. Doesn't get angry as long as I don't break things, and is a pretty deft paw with her telekinesis. I find her in a room behind the stage.

"You've all come very far in the time we've had to practice the plays I've set out for us." Looks like she's talking to one of the shyer bug horse things. "We're not going to be making professional grade performances by the time we reach the capital, but we will be at least passable by then." I catapult myself off of a tall rack or something straight into her face. She dodges it deftly.

"Oh, it's you again." As the other bug horse thing scampers off I bounce off the wall to buffet her flank, only to be foiled by another dodge. Oh, the way she moves is so unnatural! Her first dodge put her on the path for my poofy self to bounce off of her, but she just switched her momentum around like a particularly unconvincing illusion. What a challenge! We continue like that for a couple minutes before she just catches me with her magic. Awww...

"No pouting, you. I have a play to supervise, still. You're lucky you've never done this when Nunya was in the room with me. She takes physical threats to me very seriously." A few minutes later we're back to my friend's tent.

"Fluttershy, your bunny attacked me again. Please keep a better eye on him. If he disrupts any of the plays I'm putting him in a box until we reach Canterlot."

"Y-yes Q-q-queen Degurechaff. I'm t-terribly sorry ab-bout Angel, he's usually such a g-good b-boy!" She stammers. Oh, she really does care about me. I wave and squeak at her.

"If you say so. Where did Pinkie Pie go?"

"She's sp-pending t-time with another stallion again." My friend stammers out for entirely different reasons, her face turning red.

"Hmm, well, as long as she doesn't exhaust herself. Speaking of, are you entirely sure you don't want to avail yourself of any of those services? You're already feeding several of my drones with your donations."

"I'm s-sure." The Queen stares at her for a few seconds. She starts wilting under the Queen's heavy gaze.

"Well, suit yourself." As she sets me down and leaves. I cheerfully squeak at my friend.

"Oh no you don't mister." As she grabs me. "You're staying right here with me until the plays are done." Then, she snuggles us up into her warm bed. Ah~, life is good!


AN: Beta credit goes to Pandora

 

[Optimal Robotics]

*BANG*

I look up from my paperwork to see a messenger pegasus careening into my office.

"My Princess! Fluttershy has arrived with a message. The medics are looking her over now."

"Good." As I set my pen down. "And the message?" He starts rummaging around in his bags before I just locate it and rip it out to start reading. A fair bit rude on my part, but this is extremely important and I'm impatient. It's all written with the love letter spell of course.



Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

Please for the love of Harmony take your element bearers back. I was not aware they were so important when they departed with my retinue, and I refuse to have a diplomatic incident start over something so avoidable. Fluttershy should have delivered this message, but Pinkie Pie refuses to leave my stallions alone. She's working off her frustrations at missing her bonus. I'll not get into that here though. The important thing is, while I am fully aware of the allures of passionate lovemaking, there still exists a time and a place for such things. In the middle of a foreign polity's camp while on the verge of sensitive negotiations are neither. I would ask you to retrieve her in whatever manner you see fit.

The second item I would like to bring to your attention is Fluttershy herself. She has been feeding my drones sporadically and all throughout her stay with us, and has refused any reward for such. This is grating to my sensibilities. Good work deserves a reward. I would request your help with picking out a tangible reward that she cannot refuse in good conscience.

Thirdly is the scheduling and venue of our negotiations...



And all the rest is the kind of mind numbing minutiae that Twilight Sparkle would have loved to go through if her temper and paranoia weren't still raw from the invasion. I must admit I would have been much worse about that myself if I didn't have my Shining Armor to center me. He can be annoying at times, but he always tells me the truth.

Though that doesn't excuse the nigh disastrous letter she sent to Princess Celestia. We almost had the royal guard mobilized to rescue Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy before Fluttershy herself delivered a letter to each of us Princesses through Spike. The one addressed to Celestia detailed the bribe Pinkie Pie got for helping smooth over relations. The one addressed to Luna revealed Fluttershy to be a Batpony. That was shocking, but I'll trust Luna's expertise and rhetoric on that matter. Equestria was founded on equality and acceptance between ponies after all! It also brought to light a fascinating philosophical debate on nature versus nurture. It gives me great hope for our negotiations!

My letter arguably had the most interesting information of all. Gossip on Degurechaff's love life! I can't wait to ask her all about it!

Enough of that though. I leave my chambers to go check up on Fluttershy. Looking in on the infirmary I see a few diagnostic spells being run on her, including one I designed myself just after the invasion. A way to tell if anybody is being mind controlled through love based magic. Given how long I was reading that letter, this can't have been the first time they cast it on her.

"Ahem. Everypony except for Fluttershy leave us." The nurses and doctors look at each other and obey. Fluttershy, as always, seems quite nervous.

"H-hello P-p-princess"

"Hello Fluttershy. It seems you have everypony worried about how you are."

"I kn-know how this looks, Princess, but this integration cannot fail." She takes out a flier from her saddlebag. "Read this and you'll understand." I raise my eyebrow, but take the flyer. Changelings And You. Reading through it... Oh. Oh, that is horrific!! And Chrysalis did what to those who wouldn't fall in line?! Sweet Celestia, this almost makes me happy she's dead! Love should never be misused like that! I'm feeling very conflicted right now.

"How much of this is accurate?"

"En-nough that I could tell every changeling in the camp desperately needed a hug." Hmm, troubling.

"Princess!" Shouts another messenger trotting up to me. "We have a problem with the changelings!" Oh boy.

"What's going on?"

"They're demanding that stands displaying certain news stories shut down for as long as the negotiations take place."

"That's totally unacc-" Wait a minute... "What kind of news stories?" He pulls out a newspaper, partially soaked from being on the ground probably.

Idiot Changeling Believes The Princesses Are Changelings!!

My eye twitches. "Send out the royal guard! We're going to get these stories off of the main boulevard."

"Princess?" He asks.

"This is a diplomatic event. I will not have it ruined by having our guests insulted so blatantly!" He salutes and flies off. Phew. Good thing he accepted that so easily, I'm not sure how long I can keep a lid on the fact that I'm not a changeling to the Queen. I think I'll let Pinkie Pie work her stresses off though. I'm tempted to do the same myself with Shining, but I still have work to do.

---

*Trumpet Noises*

"Introducing Queen Degurechaff of the changeling hive." She walks into the entrance hall and bows to me and Shining.

"I greet the Princess of Love." Her escorts notably do not bow. They look very tense.

"Come. We will conduct negotiations in the garden." This was not a surprise of course. It has been three days since she arrived in Canterlot. Well, camped outside the gates as it were. We've exchanged many letters since then. First came the provisions for guards. She brought a small squad with her but at the actual negotiations table we will only have two each. We also delineated the scope of the negotiations. Reparations will be paid to me, but not at Queen Degurechaff's personal expense. The Changelings will also be giving up most of their autonomy to live under Equestrian law, but measures and laws will be put in place so that they don't starve. And we will be discussing the transition to Equestrian laws.

"So Queen Degurechaff, how was your journey here?" I ask, as soon as I sit down at the prepared table. We're in the Central gardens right next to the statue of Discord.

"Mixed. Two of the four villages we planned to stop at refused us. I look forward to your response to this flagrant defiance of your orders." I curse internally. I know what this looks like to a predatory species. We have a few of them as neighbors. She may or may not particularly care about the act itself, but she'll definitely view our response as how highly she's valued.

"I will have to confer with the other Princesses before a punishment is decided." I demure. No reason to co-opt Cellie's guard for this just yet. "Any questions before we begin?"

"Yes Princess. What is that right next to us." As she points to the draconic statue.

"Oh, that's Discord. Don't worry, he's perfectly contained. He's actually why we're in this garden today. Every act of order and treaty signed here strengthens his prison that much more." She slowly looks towards me.

"You mean he wasn't just a cover story? I thought the Princesses just got really drunk one day and ordered some chocolate rain from the Pegasi." I snicker at the thought as my guards shuffle and Degurechaff looks horrified at the spirit of chaos' statue.

"No, he's very real. Anyways, let's move on to the agenda you set out. I see here that you wanted to talk about reparations first?"

"Yes Princess. Seeing as we agreed that my personal assets were off limits, I find the hive to be incredibly poor and unsuitable for such things. Therefore I must look to other forms of payment. And it comes to my attention that you do not have a personalized guard yet. I am willing to part with one hundred drones to your personal control for this purpose." Oh. Oh wow. But as with all things political, I cannot take this at face value. I look at her sharply.

"What's the catch?"

"You will have to feed them, train them, and train out the bad habits that Chrysalis instilled in them. I also only had a few weeks to train them in any kind of combat."

"Combat training? Where would you have learned much about combat? I know we monitor our guard captains much more closely than most other ponies."

"I did not always live in Equestria Princess Cadenza. My time before here was significantly more violent." That feels like a big no duh moment right there. "Living here was an excellent retirement until the wedding." And I did not miss the way her guards twitched at that. Seems like somebody is still very angry about it. Good thing Shining is still here, or else I might be nervous. Hahahahaha.

"I accept your proposal for reparations." Teaching a hundred changelings about love is sure to be a treat. And possibly fun depending on how Shining Armor reacts to the situation. "Though I am interested in how I'm expected to feed them." Degurechaff rolls her eyes at that.

"You have the love of an entire nation gravitating towards you." I do? "Even if you've never used it for anything other than recharging, I believe you have the capacity to figure it out." Mare, I was just making a saucy joke!

"Ahem. Quite. Now the next thing on the list. Captives." Oh joy, this is going to be one of those days, isn't it? By the time we're done she's extracted several concessions out of me. Most of which are just general methodologies on how best to integrate the changelings. We're guaranteeing the right to voluntarily feed, and the right for ponies to give up their freedom to the changelings for limited amounts of time. The last bit will be regulated locally, and I understand she intends to negotiate for ponies already sentenced to jail.

The part of negotiations that took the longest was what will be done with all the captives the hive gathered under Queen Chrysalis. I all but demanded they be released immediately, but she managed to talk me down to a schedule of one per week so the changelings don't starve as they transition over to alternate love sources. I did not budge on revealing all infiltrators though. To Queen Degurechaff's knowledge there are seven left, and at her insistence they will be revealed under the influence of a calming spell. Fair enough. By the time we were done it was 6:30 and we were both very tired.

"That settles all the boring stuff." As I set aside the folder with my copy of the treaty outline. "I'll have the law ponies take that, and make sure it won't conflict with any past treaties, or laws, or any other fiddly bits."

"Very good, yes-"

"Now for the fun part." She freezes, wide eyed and open jawed at my declaration. "Gossip! Tell me about your love life Degurechaff! I just have to know about your wife." She continues to stare at me.

"...Can we not, and simply say we did?"

"I guess so, but why would you want that?"

"Because I am a private individual."

"We'll be that as it may, I don't see it lasting. You were trying to get a seat in Equestrian politics, right? I just can't imagine not talking about love with those closest to me. You especially. It's in our very nature you see." And that is all true, I swear. I also want to find some common ground between us. I've been having just the worst time getting a bead on her personality. She's severe and strict, yet exceedingly easy to work with on a personal level. Sent me a severed head, yet almost aggressively pursues peace, and about a hundred other little conflicting details I don't have the time to list.

She sighs in exasperation. "Would we be able to schedule something for tomorrow? I'm feeling just a bit wrung out today."

"Of course! How does afternoon tea time sound?"

"As long as coffee is available."

---

The next day was busy. Not overly so, as my normal duties were replaced with ensuring the surrender goes smoothly. And then Queen Degurechaff brought eighty changeling in around noon to be inducted into my guard. That caused a whole kerfuffle on its own, but was handled easily enough. I tested out feeding them all and it went very smoothly. Queen Degurechaff even noticed that I used one of her spells to do it, and I got to compliment her on her spellsmithing.

Once we were both able to relax in the gardens, (the ones without Discord) we were able to make amicable small talk. We danced around the issue of her love life for a while. It was clear she's uncomfortable talking about it. Many ponies are. Until finally I could stand it no longer.

"I can't keep doing this. Queen Degurechaff I have to tell you, I'm not a Changeling. That's not what an Alicorn is. I was a Pegasus before I accomplished the embodiment of my cutie mark and ascended. I'm sorry to say this now, but you would surely realize it eventually." She sips her coffee.

"Interesting. I also changed species when I became a Changeling." One of her bodyguards turns their head towards Degurechaff at that. "I don't believe you about not being a Changeling by the way." Oh come on!! "Equine species don't have biologically distinct Queen specimens. Insectoid species do." How am I even supposed to argue with that!? We obviously do! "You've probably just instinctually used your shape shifting all this time. I myself transformed when I fell into a patch of these things." She constructs an illusion of a droopy blue flower in front of us.

"What are those?"

"Poison Joke. A magically mischievous flower. They always transform you into some sort of joke."

"...How did a flower possess the power for such a potent transformation?" She may not be an Alicorn, but she's probably biologically immortal. Such things take a certain amount of magical oomph.

"I was previously a fairly powerful mage."

"Oh? So you were a Unicorn?"

"Primate." As she shakes her head. "But that is neither here nor there. The point is that taxonomic families are no barrier to such a species change." ...Am I a Changeling? I shake my head.

"So, blatantly changing the subject, why did you choose a broken heart as your Cutie Mark when you were acting as Shimmering Heart?"

"I didn't. Stupid things always come out as broken whenever I make them heart shaped. It's annoying."

"Very unfortunate. Did you want to talk about it?"

"But we just did?"

"..." I think I'm beginning to see what kind of joke those flowers were going for when they transformed her. Kind of mean of them actually.

"Did you want to talk about my love life now? I think I'm finally comfortable enough for that."

"Yes I would. Did you want to go first, or should I?"



AN: beta credit to Pandora

 

[Optimal Robotics]

I have arrived at Canterlot. Again. Not much has changed since I was flung out into the badlands, but the oppressive security measures not being here is nice. A day of correspondence was enough to set the itinerary for the negotiations. I arranged it so that the most contentious of the issues come up first. That way any stumbling blocks that come up during the big items can be worked around when we're discussing the smaller items. All the other fiddly bits we don't have time for can be figured out afterwards. Preferably with somebody who is not the absolute monarch of Equestria. That is just way too much pressure for an everyday occurrence.

And then she blew all my expectations away by accepting my first reparations proposal in the first two minutes. I was honestly expecting to spend multiple days on this one issue alone. That was a pleasant surprise. Gave me hope for this whole endeavor, even if I was a little put out by all my backup plans going to waste.

Discord, on the other hand, was a decidedly unpleasant surprise. He was conscious too. Kind of horrifying if you think about it. I shudder to imagine how insane this method of containment has driven him. His emotional signature reminds me of a particularly hyperactive child being forced to stand in a corner. His emotional signature on hearing my coverup theory was split between absolutely gleeful and decidedly miffed. Hopefully I'll never have to meet the mad bastard as anything more than a statue.

Unsettling magical phenomena aside, the next roadblock I set for myself turned out to be an actual issue. Though I do believe the root cause revealed itself to be an ethical issue when she said

"And I refuse to let my little ponies spend another day in captivity. No matter how well they're being treated."

"Oh, I think I figured out the problem. I'm not arguing for keeping the ponies out of any kind of love for the techniques involved. They are, in fact, extremely wasteful and inefficient. You can get twenty times the love from one happy marriage over any kind of forcible extraction. We just need them as a transitional love source to avoid starvation while the little ones learn how relationships work. After all, it simply will not do to have them go mad with hunger, and attack the populace. That would just ruin all the work I've put in here."

"You think that could actually happen?!" Good, I have her on the back hoof.

"I think it already did. Chrysalis kept them hungry and vicious after all." I can feel that she's close to giving in somehow. "Tell you what, how about we schedule something. Say, releasing one pony a week?" Surprise blooms in her, then she starts rustling through the papers in front of her. I brace myself for her counteroffer. I'm prepared to go all the way up to three ponies a week.

"If I'm going to accept this then I need all of the remaining infiltrators in Equestria revealed immediately." I squint my eyes at her. That was one of the later little detail items.

"Princess, that runs into the exact same issues as before. Those infiltrators supply about a third of the hive's love supply. Most of them are married! And not via the hackjob that Chrysalis tried on you and Shining. Most of these found a lonely pony to honestly woo and made it stick."

"Not honestly enough. Reveal them." I look over to the Princess' disguised form, and then over to her husband. Yeah, uh-huh, pull the other one. She is being strangely stubborn about this though.

"Princess, I'm not saying we're going to continue courting that way, but we can leave these couples be while also being better in the future. The loss of trust alone would be devastating, but the rising changeling paranoia in the general populace would be where the real damage this action would do. This could set the reconciliation back so much." I can tell I got to her a little bit, but then she digs in her metaphorical hooves.

"Public opinion on changelings is the lowest it will ever be. Right now is the perfect time to do this. Like ripping off a band-aid, or getting out of a toxic relationship. The public needs a show of goodwill." Oh, I see.

"If it will set your mind at ease, fine, but with a few conditions. First being that this isn't publicized. Cross species relationships are not newsworthy. If you need a public victory milk the royal guard angle for all it's worth. Second is that the reveal happens under the influence of a calming spell. I want to give these relationships a fighting chance in the face of all the inevitable hurt feelings." She nods at my conditions

"Acceptable. Now, the next item." And on it went. And to my absolute shock the bulk of the negotiations only lasted a day. Citizenship for all my new subordinates was my biggest victory here. Negotiated after all the fiddly bits that codified acceptable changeling feeding habits of course. And then the rest she delegated to the local leaders. It was like I wasn't even dealing with a politician, but somebody who was legitimately working towards the best outcome for everyone. Weird.

Once we were all done with the negotiations she damn near gave me a heart attack.

"Now for the fun part." What?! Oh I swear to Harmony, if this is some sort of sex thing- "Gossip! Tell me about your love life Degurechaff! I just have to know about your wife." Oh. Well then.

---

I managed to beg off that conversation for an entire day. And then I tried to buck it all together by bringing in my tithe of troops to serve as a distraction. Eighty out of a hundred just so I can dump some of my home guard on her. But then I got bogged down in details, and then I was scheduling shifts with Princess Cadenza's husband, and then the Princess herself fed all of the present changelings sans myself with one of my spells, and then I was sitting in one of the more relaxing gardens with her, sipping coffee.

How do these things even happen to me!? It's been hundreds of years since I've been caught off guard like this! I had a real hot streak going! I'd blame being x, but he doesn't even know I still exist. Ahh, I'll just have to suck it up I guess. I make some small talk until I'm feeling comfortable. Stupid gardeners, how dare they make this place so relaxing. I did learn that Cadenza apparently thinks she's not a changeling. Makes me think she's actually as young as everypony says she is if she hasn't used her shape shifting yet. If so, she's done a remarkable job with the negotiations so far. The other two Princesses might be angry with her for not getting as much out of me as they would have, but that's not my problem.

And finally. "Did you want to talk about my love life now? I think I'm finally comfortable enough for that."

"Yes I would. Did you want to go first, or should I?"

"You."

"Very well. I met my Shining Armor when he was just an up and coming squad leader in the guard. He always, ah, noticed me whenever I walked into the room." Oh goody, she's horny. She proceeds to regale me with a tale of seduction targeted at a pony that sounds like the stereotypical gym bro crossed with a frat boy from my first life. No accounting for taste I suppose, but he looks professional enough standing next to her. Feels like he has a will of steel in him too, despite what Chrysalis did to him. He's a little bit embarrassed at the story too.

"How did you keep your relationship from becoming predatory? As a Princess you have a great deal of power over him, and in my experience that can twist a relationship into a flaming pile of hurt feelings and coercion more often than not." The experience of a late 20th century man really, but that's not a relevant detail here. She is offended at my words.

"I've been the Alicorn of love since I was twelve. I have the ability to notice when a relationship is turning toxic, and break it off before then. What about you, how did you meet your wife? And there's no need to go into as much lurid detail as I did. I just like to brag." I noticed that, yes. My bodyguards shift nervously beside me.

"I met my most recent wife when I was trying to tame some Timberwolves." I start my tale. She listens with rapt attention. I get to the part where we got into the temple before she interrupts.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait. Isn't this just the plot of a Daring Doo book with yourself along for the ride?"

"Oh, you noticed? I don't know why she decided to publish it as fiction. I get that she has a couple enemies among the nobility, but they saw through the ruse almost immediately." She sits back mystified for a couple seconds.

"So you... Would have been the bumbling assistant character? Why did she cast you as the comedy relief?"

"That was my idea. I don't like being in the spotlight for too long. Makes my wings itch. She also deserved to be the star of her own expedition. She funded it herself you know, and it wouldn't have been fair to her for me to upstage her in the book as well as real life. It also added a layer of obfuscation for her flimsy secret identity. Nobody who ever met me in person could ever describe me as bumbling."

"...Huh." She suddenly starts looking around in a fit of paranoia. "I'm not about to star in another one of her books, am I?"

"Unlikely." My eye and wing twitches. She looks at me in curiosity.

"That was unusually to the point of you. You were really vocal about her up until now. Is there a story here?"

"...I was separated from her during your wedding when I was thrown into the badlands." Her jaw slacks open.

"Queen Degurechaff, we can find her and-"

"Touch a hair on her mane and I will level this castle." A wave of fear reaches me from Cadenza's side of the table. And then my brain catches up with what my mouth just said.

"I was going to say get you back together! Why would you assume I wanted to hurt her?"

"Apologies, my paranoia and bad memories got the better of me." When did I start using the truth spell? "Usually when things are too good to be true they are, and this has all been a fantastic experience." I shoot some encoded love to my bodyguards telling them to take a measured withdrawal.

"Again, I apologize for thinking unkindly of you, but I must ask. What would you do for love if you thought yours was being threatened?" I get up and start backing away from her. Shining Armor has interposed himself in-between us and speaks up.

"Before you go I gotta ask. Why did you think we would enjoy getting Chrysalis' head in the mail?" They didn't like it? Not even a little bit?

"While your enjoyment of my gift would have been nice, that was strictly a secondary concern. Without irrefutable proof of her demise the question of whether or not this was all an elaborate setup would never have left your minds. Good day Princess. Shining Armor." And I scooch myself out of the gardens. What follows has to be the tensest ten minutes I've experienced in the last century. The royal guard escorting us out from a respectful distance, and me praying my idiot charges don't blow up all my efforts at peacemaking.

I really would like to succeed here.


AN: Beta credit to Pandora