Asuka Langley Soryu – Berlin
Early morning.
I open the door into my apartment step straight through into the living room, on looking around I can see it's exactly the same as it was when I left it on Friday evening. The same dirty plates have been left out on the coffee table, one of my controllers has been left on the sofa along with my laptop, the entire place looks... lived in and yet as I push the laptop and controller aside it feels remarkably empty.
There was actually a part of me that didn't want to come back to this place after the weekend. That small part of me wanted to stay at Kaworu's place but I had work to do here. Besides which Kaworu also had to return to work, Fuyutsuki did offer him the week off due to the attack but Kaworu insisted on going back in. I can't say I blame him for that, I'd have been the same.
I suppose I'll at least be thankful for being back in my own bed tonight. Kaworu's sofa was comfortable but I don't think I'd be able to handle too many nights on it. I suppose there is always his... No, I can't think that sort of thing. I mustn't think that, I can't let myself think of feel those sorts of things.
That is another reason as to why I had to return. Over the course of yesterday and even this morning I've been having slightly more thoughts about Kaworu in certain ways. I had to get away from there because I can't allow myself to feel those things for him, befriending him was an accident but I can't let that go too far. He'll just end up being hurt.
Yet, every time I try to remind myself of that the thoughts become more intrusive and vivid. They start off innocent enough. We might be sitting on the sofa and playing a game together but then we'll be holding hands or holding one another. Strangely it always seems to be Kaworu who is cuddling into me and not the other way around, I suppose even in my fantasies I have to be the dominant one.
Today those thoughts shifted again. We weren't holding each other on the sofa but in his bed. We weren't just cuddling but we were kissing as well, passionately and deeply. I could feel him, I could feel all of him. It made my bus ride home very uncomfortable.
I keep on trying to tell myself that it means absolutely nothing, my mind is just working overtime because of the strange situation I find myself in. It's affect anyone if an attractive stranger like Kaworu suddenly came into your life in such a way. Here is this person who I know nothing about yet shares a history with me and my past. He enjoys and can play the music I also like, he is well spoken and very handsome. Yet he also needs help and is similar to me in many ways, of course that is going to affect me.
The time we spent together has hardly been normal either. Who would blame me for the first meeting? I was curious and wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know how someone could have upset Rei so much and why he was scared of me. This weekend I was just being a good friend. He had been hurt by the people who promised to protect him, how could I not be there for him. So, all in all my mind acting the way it does makes sense.
Besides I barely know the guy, I can't have any feelings for someone I barely know. He doesn't even know me yet, if he did then he would have continued to run from me. If he knew me then he'd know that I can't offer him anything good friendship or otherwise, all I can offer is myself, and I'm not worth anything.
The dream I had last night hasn't helped either. It involved Kaworu and Shinji again. It was not the same as the first one, I didn't witness them together without me but instead I was with the two of them. It was early morning I think and we were all lying in a bed together. I had one on either side of me and we were all so warm and happy. It was strange but it felt like the three of us were pieces that completed some bizarre puzzle.
It's been a very long time since I've thought of Shinji in such a way. I never stopped having feelings for him after I left Japan but I tried to suppress them. It's why I went so long without uttering his name. That's changed now, I said his name to Rei and the floodgates are now open once again. Shinji... Shinji... Shinji, Shinji, Shinji... Stupid idiot Shinji!
I can't help the sad smile that comes to my lips as my mind wanders to the image of Shinji. Rei has told him that Kaworu is alive now, I imagine he'll have taken the news about it hard. Rei will take care of him though. Rei knows what to do, she's come a hell of a long way from the girl she used to be. The girl that I berated and called a doll.
I wonder what they're doing right now, I wonder what he is doing right now. Rei mentioned he is playing the cello again, I wonder if he is playing that now? I wonder what he sounds like on it. When I heard him many years ago I really liked what I heard, I know little of how to play an instrument, it's the one thing my brilliant self never got around to trying. I was focused on my studies and my Eva piloting, maybe I should take up an instrument one day.
I'd like to hear Shinji play. I should ask Rei to record him playing for me so I can hear it. I know she'll disapprove of it or… maybe I should just reach out to him myself. Maybe I should just let him know I'm alive and well. I know I have to do it eventually, I can't let Rei keep that secret forever but I don't know if I'm ready.
No… It's not that I'm not ready, it's that I'm scared. Scared of hurting him again but so damn scared of being hurt. Scared that he'll have smartened up and seen who I really was. He'll tell me the truth about myself. Tell me that I'm a horrible person and that he hates me. Tell me how much I hurt him and that he doesn't want any part of me in his life.
Or maybe that wouldn't happen. Maybe it's just like Rei says and I'm not as horrible a person as I think I am. Maybe I can actually be friends with Shinji and Kaworu and not have to feel this goddamn guilt so much. This is why I didn't want to be alone, because with Kaworu I could actually forget about it. I could make him my focus and I didn't have to remember me for a change.
I can't keep doing that though can I? I can't just use Kaworu to prop myself up. Next time we meet there won't be anything else behind it, no curiosity and no attack from others. It'll be on our own terms but I don't know if I can reach out to him. I'd like to see him again, I like being around him. I like talking to him about music and hearing what his plans are. We can play games together and just laugh and enjoy ourselves.
I'd like to continue being friends with him, I want to be friends with him. I want to be friends with Shinji again. Maybe we could all meet up together and get everything out. We can all scream and yell and cry at one another until we have nothing left. Maybe we could even… I shake my head, my minds wandered to that place again. I don't know why I'm feeling so wound up, I'm not normally… I mean I do imagine things but I never usually feel like this. Then again I haven't in a while, maybe I need to take care of it. I need a bath… a nice long hot bath to empty my mind of these thoughts.
