Chapter Seventy-Six
I was assigned an empty apartment in Tokyo-Three, with two separate bedrooms.
I dreaded the fact I had two bedrooms.
Because it meant one simple, horrifying truth.
"So," I remarked as I looked at Yui, "Rules of engagement are as follow," I gestured at the bathroom door. "You lock the door when you enter the bathroom. I will do the same. I don't know about you, but I apparently now require sustenance. So I'll have to cook. You wish to partake in food-eating?"
Yui nodded, visibly grinning.
"Good, fine," I sighed and looked at the empty fridge. "First things first...shopping. Do we have money?"
In answer, Yui flashed out a credit card from her sleeve. "We do."
I looked at her.
She kept her smile up. "Tell me you were given that."
"Tee-Hee-ack!"
I knocked on her head with my knuckles.
Then I took the card from her. "Security code?"
"Meanie," Yui pouted. "Why should I tell you?"
I looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. "I'm the one cooking."
"It's 198549519," Yui rattled off.
"Nine numbers?" I blinked. "Isn't that a bit too many?"
Yui shrugged. "It's the number they gave me."
I yawned, scratched my right eyelid a bit, and then began to walk out. "Come with me then," I said. "I can't remember that."
"What?! The Darkness made manifest that feeds on Angst can't remember that?!"
"My powers wane with each terrifying hug," I drawled out sarcastically.
"Then my method is working!" Yui grinned. "Soon, you'll be a mere mortal and I'll lord over you!"
I knocked on her head again, and she yelped as she rubbed her scalp.
"Meanie," Yui whimpered.
"Now, all-mighty Skynet, let's get shopping."
Neo-Tokyo supermarkets were...stocked. If without 'perishable products'. Again, with the risk of the building being destroyed at any moment, it made sense to stock on cans, but really...
"Canned meat, canned fish, canned peaches," I drawled out. I pushed the cart as I grabbed cereals and milk -Yui wanted to 'eat' then I'd give her breakfast all right. Coffee and a coffee pot for me -all hail coffee, our glorious lord and savior. And then some pans and whatnot. Cleaning utensils too, and bathroom implements.
"Tell me you haven't just taken what I think you've taken," I exhaled in mock-despair as Yui gave me wide doe-like eyes.
"I didn't?" Yui said, blinking as innocently as she could.
"Put it in the cart," I surrendered with my voice, too tired to even really care -boy was I tired. This 'Sleep' thing was getting to me now.
I felt my strength sapped.
Sweets fell in a neat order inside it, and I grumbled as I pushed the cart all the way to the cashier to pay.
The card went out, Yui grinned broadly as she inserted the code by herself, and after the payment was processed...Time to show mankind why real men 'Do Only One Trip or Die Trying'.
"Must. Buy. Car," I hissed through pained gasps as I lifted the shopping bags. Yui giggled.
"Fight-O! Fight-O!"
"Don't you dare try to use Japanese-English as seen in anime and cartoons! Say 'Fight' or don't say it at all!"
"But I must show my cute side to the world," Yui replied with a cheeky grin. "I'm the Moe character!"
"Too much internet," I grumbled. "Too much."
"I could carry some of it," Yui said.
"No," I replied. "You open doors, you're the door-opener."
"Fine, fine," Yui pouted as we entered the lift on our way up.
I closed my eyes. The tiredness was...unnatural.
I couldn't really place it, but it felt...it felt strange.
As if my limbs were unresponsive, or answering with increased lag.
I managed to bring the stuff inside the apartment, and then I fell face-first against the sofa.
An inky black darkness soon claimed me, and I fell asleep.
...
Was this what sleeping was like?
I had forgotten.
...
I woke up in the middle of the night, a soft weight on my stomach, a bed sheet covering us both.
I exhaled and closed my eyes again.
Damn it, you can't turn me back into a 'human'. All those pesky weaknesses...I'm meant to be a player character, or some sort of main character that has something that goes above the others, and...
My bladder was full.
...
Why do I have the impression that only because it was I, the 'bladder was full' became an important point in the story?
I was sure if I was being written by someone, that someone would take great care in writing how I gingerly extricated myself from Yui's sleeping position, quietly walked my way into the bathroom, opened the door, turned on the light, and then proceeded to do my business before closing the light and then the door afterwards.
I was sure whoever was writing this would go in as much details as it would be allowed, because frankly, why not embarrass me further?
Yeah, why not?
What next, will he or she describe how I take a shower?
I snorted in the corner of my head as I quietly lifted Yui up and opened the door of her room -they were identical, so I just dropped her in one of them.
"Tell me a story," Yui said calmly, and I froze mid-step.
"You were awake."
"I'm an AI, I don't need to sleep."
"You enjoy faking it, though, don't you?"
"This and that are different," she bristled. "Tell me a story."
I pushed a hand through my hair and took a seat on the side of the bed.
"Any preferences?"
"Something new," Yui said. "I've got the internet in my head, so..."
I sighed.
"It was a dark and stormy nights, and atop the clouds thunder streaked and lightning hurled," I said softly. "The pitch-black darkness roamed the air, bubbling in its agony and despair."
"Somehow, I had no doubt you'd start a story with something like that," Yui said flatly.
I shrugged.
"Below, upon the earth marred by the pouring water of the thunderstorm, a creaky wooden hut stood and within, a lone couple waited eagerly for the birth of the third member of their family."
"Somehow, I know you'll make the mother die of childbirth," Yui said.
"Am I telling the story or are you? No, because if you are I'll leave it to you."
"Sorry," Yui mumbled. "Keep going."
"It was a boy that was born in that dark and stormy night, and upon him the name 'Thunder' was placed, for he was born as a flash of light illuminated the house, before a lightning bolt struck down and killed the family's dog."
"You're a monster," Yui said in a whisper. "You'd kill a dog just to avoid killing the mother in childbirth?!"
I grinned and looked at Yui. "Let me tell the story, Yui, or I might keep offing off characters until you stop interrupting."
Yui quieted down.
"Thunder grew and became a proud man, quick of thought and feet. One day, as he was walking back home from the market, bandits asked him to pay the toll."
"And he defeated them all," Yui said firmly.
"No, he paid, gave everything he had and walked away waving goodbye."
Yui frowned. "That's not how you tell a story. You're horrible at this!"
"And later," I continued, "At night, he returned with a knife and his wits. In the dark of the night, he went to work as the bandits slept, and quietly, he dealt with all of them. And the bandits happily stopped, twin smiles on their faces."
"You had a hero-protagonist swear revenge and return in the dark of the night to slice their necks. This is at best a young adult story. Not a child's story."
"You asked for something new," I retorted. "Now go to sleep."
"Goodnight K-"
I was already out of the room, and had closed the door, by the time she finished her sentence.
I then walked into the living room, and quietly turned up the laptop with the... 'WindAws Ninety-Five'.
It took four minutes to boot, and thus I made coffee in the meantime.
After it turned on, and after the 'first time user' procedure, I quietly connected to the wireless network known as...Yui-Net? Really?
Was she a broadcasting station too?
Well, ignoring 'Yui-Net', I connected to the Tokyo-Three Wifi, and from there...
Coffee in hand, Microsoft Word open, and quite a bit of patience...
I began writing fanfiction.
...
Don't judge me.
I needed to vent.
I had started writing Fanfiction as a mean to cope with stress, University life and whatnot. So, of course, I turned to it once more.
Taking sips of coffee, my hands blurred across the keyboard with surprising speed -once good, always good- and as I cranked up after a while, I looked at the first draft of an usual story of Naruto.
Then I proceeded to check the internet for Fanfiction.net.
...
There was no Naruto.
Uh...Well, then again, it was obvious in retrospect.
...
Inuyasha!
Well...
I had written something like three thousand words of Naruto fandom...without Naruto in it.
...
No other choice.
I exhaled, and then began tapping away at Inuyasha.
...
One thousand words per chapter would be fine.
I took another deep gulp of coffee, and proceeded to move on to...
"It's three in the morning," the computer beeped.
"Yui, kindly, get out of my computer," I replied.
"What makes you think it's me?" Yui asked.
"I don't know of any other Artificial Intelligence that would actually bother with the time at night."
"A healthy mind in a healthy body, you should rest, Shade."
"I created a mail account and I'm already subjected to spam," I mumbled.
"I want a goodnight k-" I turned off the volume.
Yui took offense to that, because she materialized her face in the center of the screen and stuck her tongue out towards me.
I sighed.
"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll go to bed. Closing the computer now."
It was worse than having a nagging doctor always around.
Thankfully I didn't smoke, or she'd probably say something about that too.
As I managed that, and headed towards bed...the door creaked open on Yui's side, and she held a pillow in her arms with a half-sleepy expression.
"Are you really trying everything there's written on the internet about young girls? Did you perchance wander in the manga section?!" I hissed in surprise.
Yui wiped her eyes for a moment, and then said. "Big Brother, please...I'm scared of sleeping alone."
I emitted a half-rant half-curse to the Gods of Blood, Death and Gore.
"Hatred shall feed me," I whispered harshly. "Hatred shall feed me," I mumbled. "Hatred. Shall. Feed. Me."
Yui proceeded to 'fall asleep' again.
Snuggled to my side.
And I wanted to MAIM. BURN. KILL.
...
GAH.
...
HATRED.
INTENSIFIES.
I never dashed away from bed faster than when the morning came, and I never felt so relieved at brewing up coffee and preparing for the day than the fact that I was finally free from the clutches of the Battle-Loli.
Really, what was it with physical contact? Whoever the hell needed all that physical contact?! WHO. THE. FUCK. needed that?!
"Crunchy," Yui said brightly as she began to eat milk and cereals.
I went through the shower after drinking one cup of coffee.
Then I stepped out and dressed up, and Yui went through my same motions -if after me.
"Since when are you going to school?" I asked, blinking owlishly.
"Tee-Hee-Hee," Yui said with a grin. "I've got a surprise for you too, big brother."
Dread.
Dread intensifies.
Apparently, it wasn't enough to justify my presence in Nerv by merely being a 'consultant'. They even found me another job while at it.
...
I looked in front of me.
Now, remember.
I'm an IT Engineer.
We are 'genetically birthed' to spend long hours in front of codes, have the talkative capability of a Vampire -the big. bad evil Nosferatu vampire- and usually do not engage in any remote activity that involves children.
...
I looked at the classroom in front of me.
"My name is Edward Shade," I said through gritted teeth. "And I will be your teacher for Information Technology this semester."
I looked to my left. "First things first...you have a transfer student, class. Yui Shade," I gestured to Yui, "My sister." I added.
The desire to murder spiked to all-new levels of hatred.
Asuka's mouth remained open for the first five minute of my lesson.
...
I wanted to die in a tiny corner of the class and never come to life again.
THIS. HAD. TO. BE. KARMA.
No, no, again, I knew what this was.
Evangelion.
Evangelion was big on having people 'Interact' and then, after the interaction nurtured itself into 'respect' or otherwise something more, it 'shattered' adding to the emotional trauma.
That was why Shinji cohabited with Misato, because their fight thus fueled the trauma.
That was why Shinji and Asuka ended in the same class with Rei: Trauma, added trauma.
"Hey Teacher," Asuka asked, lifting her hand. "This is boring, can't we get to the nice parts?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Nice parts?"
"Yeah!" a boy with glasses -Kensuke, was he- exclaimed, "Like in the movies!"
"So, you want to learn how to crack the pentagon before learning how to even write 'hello world' on a Java app?" I asked, blinking owlishly. "Well...all right. Please proceed to query the school's router for the open ports, then proceed to ask the pentagon's firewall for its own."
There were two blinks in unison.
"What."
"Of course, that's not even a bit of how it happens. And I'm pretty sure the Pentagon's got enough defenses that even an innocent ping nearby might lead to who knows what, but seriously...no, you can't do that and-"
"Done," Yui said brightly.
I looked at her aghast.
"Doing the assigned homework, geez," Yui added as the entire class looked at her. "I didn't crack the Pentagon if that's what you're asking."
I exhaled in relief.
...Whoever's bright idea it was to have me as a teacher should probably be repeatedly shot.
I was sure no one sane of his mind would...I mean, I understood there was a sort of 'logic' behind the appointment to teacher.
First off, they didn't trust me with the inner-workings of the Evas, or the Nerv Headquarters, so they had to give me a job to keep me out of there.
Secondly, they still needed me to be easily reachable for when an Angel did attack, hence the school.
But really, just why had they decided on giving me this job out of all available ones? I could have done linguistics, right?
Yui whistled innocently enough as the bell rang for the lunch time, and once I settled my 'random scribbled in five minutes' sheet of a possible lesson plan, I headed off to the cafeteria.
Or I would have.
"I'm the Class Representative sir," Hikari Horaki said. "If you need the class to have documents prepared or other such things, please count on me."
I nodded. "I most definitely will, now-"
"Oi!" Asuka exclaimed, barring my path again.
For the love of CTHULHU.
LUNCH TIME IS FOOD TIME.
"Yes, Sohryu?" I said with a light smile.
"Are you even qualified as a teacher?" she asked.
"I am," I replied. "If you wish to hack the pentagon, please come back after a few years of studying."
"Bah," Asuka grumbled. "Whoever gave you the class must have been mad."
"I agree," I said with a nod, "Wholeheartedly."
Asuka blinked, Hikari looked at her and then at me, and finally frowned.
"So is Edward a fake name or something?" Asuka asked.
"Thankfully I don't do professional spying, and you're not my sidekick. You'd be horrible in spouting out things that are probably meant as a secret."
"You two know each other?" Hikari asked.
"He's a psycho ghost," Asuka said haughtily. "It's a wonder they allow him near children at all."
I chuckled. "Ah, now that's a lie. I'm a Nerv Agent," I shrugged. "An Angel Psychology and Physiology Consultant, but since I also have an IT degree, they asked me to work double both as body-guard and as consultant."
Hikari's eyes widened.
"Woah," she said. I grinned.
"Yeah, I also had a stunt as a drill sergeant, so my methods are a bit barbaric when it's the heat of the battlefield...and Asuka doesn't really like it-"
She stomped on my foot. "I'll sic Yui on you, Asuka," I said calmly with a bright smile.
And then I began to walk away, again, only to be stopped, once more, by Kensuke.
"Sir! I overheard! You were a drill sergeant sir?!"
No, fuck's sake I hate this.
I wasn't a drill sergeant.
But it helped explain why I'd be referred to as 'Psycho' so I used it as a lie.
I'm a very good liar, a 'Moriarty' shall we say.
All writers are required to be liars, somehow. It's how we create stories -who are nothing but lies in the end.
Kensuke was a survivalist, wasn't he? A soft-air fanatic.
"You heard correctly, son! Now what's the meaning of this?! Why are you not standing at attention?!"
"Yes, sir, sorry sir!" Kensuke snapped to attention.
"At ease!" I barked.
And he obeyed.
"Sir, what army did you serve in?"
Oh god.
Lies.
The problem with lies is that they keep on increasing until the point where they become unbearable.
Unless you defuse them.
Or render them 'innocent' enough that the difference is imperceptible.
But most importantly of all: never lie too big.
"Two years cadet course in Tourin, Italy, after a year of mandatory levy!"
They abolished that later, didn't they? And since my age would bring me back to a 'prior to removal' time...yes, I would have had technically done the levy.
If I had been born in Evangelion, of course.
"Please sir, teach me how to be a good soldier!"
"Boy," I glared at him. "First learn to be a good man. Then learn to be a good soldier."
I patted him on the right shoulder, once and firmly. "Never get those two mixed in order, son."
Then I stepped outside.
Please, merciful mother of Azatoth, oh supreme diabolical court of Diablo, please, Lucifer Morningstar, bringer of light, tell me there's something left in the Cafeteria.
I'll take anything.
...
There was.
I whipped out my card and inserted the code -scribbled down on a piece of paper- and finally, I took my seat at an empty table.
...
Rei soon sat in front of me.
And then she opened her mouth, and spoke.
"I wish to know more about the future."
...
I wish to eat lunch in peace and silence.
...
Human interactions with teenagers.
WHY.
WHY. WHY. WHY.
IT BEGINS
FUCK YOU WITH A RUSTY BALL OF IRON WOOL.
... . ... . ... . Please stop! ... . ... . ... .
... . ... . ... . It's too cruel! You can't! ... . ... . ... .
... . ... . ... . Stop hurting each other! ... . ... . ... .
... . ... . ... . Why won't you listen to me?! Please! ... . ... . ... .
... . ... . ... . Please, don't do it! ... . ... . ... .
... . ... . ... . No, don't! ... . ... . ... .
