33
Chapter Thirty-Two

"Now, how's it going?" I asked the 'Clone Assembly' as they all looked hard at their leaves.
Sixty clones -because why the hell not- and sixty leaves kept working. Clone sixty-one -or the original- looked back at me and grinned, showing a tiny cut on his leaf.
"Ah! I cut it further!" a clone exclaimed, and then popped.
Soon, the knowledge was transferred to the rest, and a new clone appeared to take his place.

The cutting on the leaves increased.

"Try to imagine the currents of chakra going as fast as you can," I suggested. "Like really fast rasengans," I added.
Naruto grimaced in effort, but still didn't manage to further the cut yet.

"You know what we need?" I said offhandedly after a few minutes. "We need to practice more chakra control. As it stands, you're probably good enough, but we need to do a lot more to make it easier."
The real Naruto looked at me, and I continued. "Leave the clones to keep practicing and head towards the river."

We weren't in the village proper any longer.
I didn't know about it, but I could kind-of remember a long-view of Konoha with a very large countryside around it, and we were in it. It was still 'Konoha' of course, but it was beyond the gates, and with surprisingly lax security -really, no one bothered to stop Naruto leaving from the front door, even with a light Henge on him, no one bothered to stop him.
Then again, 'leaving' wasn't really the problem.
And there was that thing with the barrier around Konoha...so maybe it was that which alerted the guards, and being a resident of Konoha, it didn't care the slightest for Naruto leaving or entering.

Anyway, the river wasn't a calm and large thing like the one in the training grounds. Sure, it was large enough one had to jump to cross it, but it was tumultuous, and Naruto grimaced as he wobbled and nearly fell into it, before jumping back on the side.
"Well then," I sighed. "Learn how to walk on this."
"Teacher! Really?" Naruto asked.
"Yup. You do your part and let the clones do theirs; if you master this, I'm pretty sure your control's going to skyrocket."
Naruto nodded firmly, and then jumped into the river's waters.
He ended up ankle deep in the water.
"Remember you have to change the amount of chakra on the fly depending on the water quantity," I retorted. "Take it easy to start with. When you get to the point where you can jump right in and start running laps, then you'll have mastered it."
"Y-Yes teacher," Naruto said, with chattering teeth. "The water's cold."
"You're a ninja," I deadpanned. "If you get a cold out of a few drops of cold water...especially with your Uzumaki vitality, then you really should get yourself checked out at the hospital."

Three hours.
I was surprised.
It took Naruto three hours.
When he was done, he grinned and gave me a thumb-up, before walking out of the river's tumultuous waters with a shaky walk.
"Tomorrow, you'll learn how to run on it," I said calmly, "But job well done, Naruto. I knew you could do it."
He gave me a shaky smile. "Now get your feet near a fire," I added. "Before you risk losing them."
"What!?" Naruto shrieked, and dashed to where his clones were.
Or, well, his last remaining clone was.
The rest had all popped, and the last one was there, his leaf more than half cut.

The clone watched the original arrive and grinned, before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Naruto grabbed the leaf, lifted it and then quietly proceeded to concentrate.

And the leaf cut itself in half.

"You know, it takes years to properly master wind release," I said calmly. "Years. You did in one day what takes months."
Naruto frowned, and looked at me.
I quietly looked back at him. "Let me be clearer. You are the only one in existence who can use shadow clones to learn in days what takes years. That cutting the leaf? A normal shinobi takes months to get it right, depleting his chakra every day while working on it. You are barely winded, and did it in one day. Next is the water cutting, and finally there's the using it in a technique. But mark my words Naruto," I said. "As it stands, you are the strongest ninja of your generation. You could easily kill Sasuke where he stands, and there would be nothing he could do to prevent it. You could defeat anyone your age," I continued, "And if you could somehow practice your physical fighting skills, you'd probably be unstoppable...which is actually another thing your clones can do."
Naruto was smiling and scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

"Teach, stop it or you'll make me blush," he said. "I'm not that smart. Usually, I'm called dumb-ass."
"Doesn't really matter what the others call you," I replied calmly. "It matters who you are. And you are Naruto Uzumaki, a genius."
"Oh! Come on!" Naruto whined. "You'll turn me red like a tomato! Neh, teach, I can still go on, you know? We can move to cutting water whenever you want!"
"Not today," I sighed. "Now you go and have lunch, and by that, I mean that you go and get groceries. I'll teach you how to cook."
Naruto paled.
"Teach, really, that's not-"
"Naruto," I said. "Trust me. I'm an Italian. If you don't learn how to cook from an Italian, you probably won't learn it from anyone else. The easiest type of food in the world is pasta. Boil water, apply salt to boiled water, throw in the pasta, wait for it a few minutes, take the pasta out, apply butter. There. It's the easiest of the lot. I'm not going to make you do something complicated like casserole or some form of duck with oranges or lemons, or sweet and sour pork. Trust me. It's going to be easy."
Naruto shakily nodded. "If you say so, teach. But I prefer ramen."
"Never said you couldn't, but I want to see the local prices, and you'll need to start saving up."
"Uh? And why is that?"
"Because I'm sure weapons and tools aren't going to come in cheap. And you'll have to get yourself a library card."
"What?! Why the hell would I get that!?"
"Books on subjects I can't teach you, Naruto," I replied. "I'm quickly running out of things I can teach you. I told you I'm not a ninja. I don't want you to suffer from a lack of or an improper training. And come on, now that you have the shadow clone technique, it's going to be way easier. You'll memorize books like no tomorrow."
"If you say so, teacher," Naruto grumbled.

There was no 'conning' Naruto at the local grocery. Naruto hadn't a love of shopping simply because it meant extra work when it came to getting the stuff and cooking it, but otherwise, there was nothing inherently 'evil' in the clerks. "Oh, and get yourself a card for points and discounts," I added. "They're always useful."
Naruto groaned, but proceeded.
His 'Gama-Chan' was still full, and I had no idea where he had gotten all the money -unless the fanon idea of the Hokage giving him an orphan stipend was real, but probably, it was simply Naruto's luck in finding ryo bills around the ground.
I didn't bother asking him, he could have always stolen them from people for all I knew.
The 'Konoha-Mart' discount card done, Naruto walked back home with two bags filled with groceries and food.

And Japaneses have a screwed sense of money when it comes to meat.
Really.
Even if this was Konoha, the price of the meat was still a tall order.
It shouldn't have been, because being mainly made of plains, I would have expected Konoha to sustain itself on plains of grain and meat products.
But no, fish still was the cheapest thing around.

I sighed and gestured for Naruto to put the things in the fridge, before taking out a large metallic kettle that had seen better days.
"Clean it first, and then after you're sure there's no lingering soap in it fill it with water up to here," I began to gesture, "Then put it on the fire and let it boil. Meanwhile, set the table."
Naruto grumbled, but obeyed.
"If I had gone for ramen, I would have already eaten," Naruto deadpanned.
I shrugged. "This is better. It should also teach discipline."
"Really?"
"Nope, but it's something a teacher would say to make you cook."
Naruto's right eyebrow twitched, "Teacher!"
"What?" I chuckled. "Come on, it's been ages since I had a plate of properly cooked pasta. Now keep an eye out for when it boils, and...why isn't there a time on the noodles? How am I supposed to know when you can drain the water?"
I turned thoughtful. "They look as thick as the spaghetti anyway, so five to seven minutes should do it. Yep, now's the time for the salt Naruto. Two spoonfuls, exactly!"
Naruto happily dropped the two spoonfuls inside. "Now throw in the noodles, yep, did you get the butter? Good. Next, I'll teach you how to make it with tomato sauce. It's just a smudge more complicated, but not that hard."

I taught Naruto how to cook Pasta.
And then I pulled over his result and took a bite myself.
"Ah," I sighed in relief. "See? Isn't it good?"
"Uh-uh," Naruto mumbled, munching on his plate. "I prefer ramen."
"You wait until you get good enough, and then I'll teach you how to make ravioli in broth," I grinned. "After you learn how to make ravioli in broth, we'll work our way through a cooking book and learn how to make Ramen together."
"Wait," Naruto blinked. "You mean I can learn how to make ramen!?"
"Yes," I deadpanned. "What? You thought it was a prerogative of shops or something?"
"Ah! I thought it was a gift from the gods upon us mortals!" Naruto wailed. "I could have had ramen everyday if I learned how to make it!"
I sighed and slumped my head against the table -my head passed through, but the idea was still there.
I began to laugh. "Pass me the cheese," I said with a chuckle.
And Naruto smiled and did just that.

It was nice.

Ka-chink.

And dread settled in.

Obviously.

This time, it had to be something 'more' than trust.

//Data flowing. Data altering. Are you two done talking about Data?
 
Chapter Thirty-Two

"Naruto," I said. "Trust me. I'm an Italian. If you don't learn how to cook from an Italian, you probably won't learn it from anyone else. The easiest type of food in the world is pasta. Boil water, apply salt to boiled water, throw in the pasta, wait for it a few minutes, take the pasta out, apply butter. There. It's the easiest of the lot. I'm not going to make you do something complicated like casserole or some form of duck with oranges or lemons, or sweet and sour pork. Trust me.

//Data flowing. Data altering. Are you two done talking about Data?
Ma naruto si fida gia di te: è proprio perchè si è fidato di te che sei finito in un altra dimensione! E poi è meglio l'olio extravergine di oliva che il burro. Anche se probabilmente in Konoha non c'è l'hanno l'olio .... poveretti.

And the third guy is fed up with the other two. Maybe you will be tortured less from now on?
 
When are you going to teach naruto the shadowclone-substitution cheat? You know a couple clones always are sitting off at the side with prepared substitutions and switch with naruto whenever it looks like the original is going to taking a serious hit in the big clone riot attack he usually pulls off.
 
34
Chapter Thirty-Three

Iruka was a chuunin, and he apparently learned his lessons very well.
The next morning, early on, Sakura knocked at the door.
"Naruto!" she said sweetly through the door, "Are you in there?"
Naruto opened the door before I could warn him, and predictably, Sakura turned into Iruka a moment later. "Ah-ha! Gotcha!"
"Gah!" Naruto screamed, and tried to wiggle out of the hold, but failed miserably at that.
"Got you, Naruto! You're not skipping academy today!"
"No! No! It's unfair! Let me go you bad bully!" Naruto yelled, but could not manage to break free.
"Note to self," I said loud enough for Naruto to hear. "Start training on physical prowess as soon as possible."

Naruto began to cry and wiggle harder, but to no avail.
He ended up plopped down on his seat at the academy with...chains, surrounding him. "And stay there!" Iruka grumbled.
Next to him, Sakura and Sasuke looked at Naruto for a moment, before returning to stare at the chalkboard ahead.
"Sakura," Naruto whined, "Please free me."
"Shut up, Naruto," Sakura hissed. "It's your fault for playing hooky."
"Oi, bastard, free me," Naruto pleaded, but Sasuke just grumbled and remained silent.
I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.
"Teacher Irukaaaa," Naruto wailed. "Free meeee."
"Will you follow class, Naruto?" Iruka asked.
"Nope."
Iruka's eyebrow twitched. "Then why should I free you?"
"Because I've got to go train!"
"You mean prank," Iruka deadpanned.
"No-uh! Train! I swear!"
"Naruto, if this keeps up you're not ever going to get a forehead protector, you know?"
"Who cares! I'll be Hokage anyway!"
"You can't be Hokage without being a ninja!" Iruka yelled.
"I can be a ninja without a forehead protector!" Naruto yelled back. "You just watch me!"
"That's...you can't be a ninja without a forehead protector!"
"Who says that!? I totally can!"
"No you can't!"
"Yes I can!"
"No you can't!"
"Yes, I can!"
"No you can't!"
"Yes, I c-"
"Naruto, shut up!" Sakura yelled, and then punched Naruto on the side of the face.
So that's where the slapstick comedy was.

Naruto flew against the wall of the room, but in doing so, he broke out of the chains too.
"Leave a Kage Bunshin and high tail it," I said quietly.
Naruto was fast, and quick.
He was already out of the window and running while his Kage Bunshin kept the part of the 'dazed' on the ground.

"Hehe," Naruto chuckled. "I've got to thank Sakura later."
I frowned. "She hit you on the side of the face."
"Yeah, duh, I told her to."
"You told her to?"
"What, you thought she could punch me across the entire room without my help? I jumped at the same time! That's how I ended up against the wall!"
"Why would you do that?"
"So I'm closer to the window and can escape, and because Iruka still thinks I can't break free from the chains, he keeps using them!"
I quietly massaged my temples. "And Sakura goes along with this because?"
"Because if I'm not in the middle, she gets to be closer to Sasuke!"
"And you're allowing it?"
"Duh, you told me they'll never get together, teacher, so there's nothing to worry about!"

I blinked. "I am impressed. I am truly impressed."
"Hehe, I knew you'd like it, teacher."
I looked around the village. "Hot springs should have a placid pool of water. Use that."

And that was how the day went by.
"This is hard," Naruto admitted as he looked at the unchanging water. "I mean, I get ripples."
"Yeah, but ripples aren't the real thing."
"Uh-uh," Naruto grumbled. "Time for lunch," he said.
"Now, today-"
"Ramen?"
"No. How about you keep the ramen for when you have a special occasion?"
"What do you mean? You're teaching me, and that's special isn't it?"
I sighed, although I did have a light smile on my face. "I meant something more special. Like mastering the wind release."
"Uh..."
"You could learn how to fly, I suppose, if you mastered it enough."
"What! Really!?"
"I dunno, but I think it's something you could do with wind release. I mean, it's either that or Earth release that should allow you to fly. Maybe a combination of both."
"Uh-uh...I want to learn that!" Naruto exclaimed.
"If I knew how to train Earth release, I'd help you. But I don't, so you'll have to go to the library this afternoon, and check."

Naruto nodded, if visibly bristling at the thought of heading inside the library.

For lunch, it was tomato sauce. Fresh tomatoes, chopped and thrown on the frying pan with a bit of oil and some salt.
"And see? If we had some cream, we'd be all set..." I mumbled, "And a bit of grated cheese to add at the end."
"Bah," Naruto grumbled as he began to eat once more. "I still prefer ramen."
I cracked my knuckles together. "You wait until we reach Matriciana and Carbonara levels, you disbeliever."
"Uh-uh." He grinned, happy about something only he knew of.

The library of Konoha was a mass of shelves, books and scrolls, all led by a stringy looking woman with a pair of thin eyeglasses.
"Remain quiet," I said to Naruto -under a Henge- "And check for the scrolls I told you of."

It was pleasant in the library. There was a cool shade, and a pleasant temperature -at least, from what I gathered by the way Naruto exhaled in relief once inside- and quiet, a lot of quiet.
I pointed at a far corner table, way in the back of the library that screamed a 'Do Not Disturb the one sitting here and reading because he clearly doesn't want to be found or disturbed'.
Naruto nodded and headed that way, not before grabbing from the shelves the scrolls he wanted to check out.
I knew absolutely nothing about 'Taijutsu' or how to do elemental releases, but they weren't really...oh, 'No checking out scrolls from the library' uh-uh.
I didn't know that.

'You can copy them' was written below.
"Well, we're without blank scrolls for the moment, but we'll have to come back later on then."
Naruto groaned softly, but then opened up the scroll.
A few moments later, he was joined by another Henged-Kage-Bunshin Naruto with another scroll.
And soon another.
And another one.
And one more.
A few were females.
A couple sat at different tables.
Some came in in pairs, others alone.

The library was big, and not easy to fill, and they entered at quite the distance one from the other.
They were all silent as they read.
I grinned and gave Naruto a thumb-up.

The librarian wasn't dumb, but it wasn't as if any of the Kage Bunshin had a defining appearance. She didn't sound the alarm probably because none were in her immediate proximity, but all stood a bit hidden from sight.
By the time the Henge-Original Naruto left, the clones started slowly walking one by one towards the library's bathroom, before popping off at intervals.

Naruto winced a lot as we reached his apartment.
"Owie," he mumbled. "It hurts," he muttered, massaging his head.
"Aspirine should work wonders," I replied.
"It's strange," Naruto whimpered. "My head's filled with words, but I can't place most of them."
"Maybe we went overboard with the clones. You know what? Sleep on it. Your brain should order the stuff during your sleep."
"Uh-uh."
And Naruto fell, face first, on his bed while still dressed.

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest.
Well, there were probably limits.
Still, he had only read the scrolls, not memorized them -I hoped.
Trying to memorize everything on the first go...
"Yeah, that's something he'd try to do," I grumbled.

I hovered over to the ground outside once more, and took out my deck.
Blackjack and Solitaire were done.
"Uhm...how about old maid?" I shook my head. "No, that's stupid...unless I shuffle the cards face down before picking one. Yeah, I'll go with that."

And so I played through the night, sighing softly as I drew cards and dropped them on the ground.
The next morning, I nearly choked on my spit.
This time, Iruka had gone all-out.
The Hokage, pipe in his mouth, knocked at the door.
"Naruto, are you in there?" he asked.
Naruto quietly began to tiptoe his way out of the window, but the Hokage calmly walked on the wall and gripped him by the scruff of the neck when he tried to jump for it.
"Young man," he said. "Your teacher says you've been skipping the academy."
"Old man!" Naruto wailed. "It's really you?"
"Uff! Of course it's really me."
"Good! I don't want to go the academy any more! I'm training on my own!"
"Really," the Hokage rolled his eyes. "We already discussed this. You can't just skip the academy."
"But old man! I can make clones now!" Naruto exclaimed, "And I know everything I need to know! Really!"
"Yes, yes," Hiruzen grumbled, "I'm sure you think that, but Naruto, again, you never manage to prove it. I can't really fault your teachers for not passing you."
Naruto clenched his fists. "Then I'm gonna prove it to you now, old man! Come on! Test me!"

The Hokage sighed.
"Fine," he said. "But if you fail, you're going back to the academy without another word."
"Yep! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, trust me!"
I blinked.
...

Did he just say 'Trust me' instead of 'Believe it'?
"Fine," the Hokage said. "Do three clones."
"Coming right up! Bunshin!"
And...three clones appeared.
I had a tear in the corner of my eye as I watched Naruto do three bunshin clones rather than three shadow clones.
"Oh," the Hokage's eyes crinkled up in a smile. "Then, since you know how to do this, let's see a bit of theory...which are the founding clans of Konoha?"
"Uchiha and Senju," I said, and Naruto answered, "Hashirama Senju and Madara Uchiha."
"Good, well, for what is the second Hokage most famous for then?"
"Putting up the Uchiha police, the village's infrastructure and academy."
I wasn't very sure on the last one, but it was more than enough for the Hokage to nod.
"So it seems you have been studying then, I'm glad. Well, how about a replacement technique?"
Naruto grinned. "As easy as cooking noodles!"
I blinked. Really?
Hiruzen shared my 'blinking' reaction. "If you say so, Naruto."

Naruto gladly changed with a log in that moment, and then swapped back with himself with a cheesy grin.
"So, did I pass old man? Uh? Did I?"
"Now, now," the Hokage shook his head. "I am happy you managed all of this by yourself, but what is this about training alone anyway? What are you trying to learn so hard?"
Naruto grinned. "I'm going to get a lot stronger, and then I'm going to become Hokage!"
"Well then," the Hokage sighed. "As a last test...the very last one, why don't you tell me about the will of fire?"
Naruto looked at me.
I balked for a moment.
"Love for the village, and the people in it," I said in the end, "It will guide you through any hardship! And by standing by the side of your friends and teammates, you'll be able to overcome any obstacle!"
Naruto quickly repeated it, and Hiruzen chuckled with a sage nod of his head.
"Very well, Naruto. Ah, well, I'll talk with Iruka then and tell him not to expect you any longer. Why don't you come with me? I'm pretty sure you could use a forehead protector from now on."

Naruto smiled. "You're the best, old man!"
And then he turned to me while whooping. "See that teacher!? I became a Genin!"
And I brought a hand to my face as the Hokage frowned.
"Naruto," I mumbled. "Why must you be so much 'you'?"

Ka-chink.

Of course.
Why the hell not.

//Subroutines holding. Surprising. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
 
Yeah, the last guy is definitively getting fed up.

And now the cat is out of the bag! Time to steal the soul of a inuzuka's dog, and convince them that you exist!
 
You know, Sakura and Sasuke getting together isn't impossible, by any stretch of the imagination. Even in canon, they do have quite a bit of chemistry.

It'd be kinda hilarious if they actually do get together. Man, I can just imagine Naruto's interactions with shade afterwards ...
 
35
Chapter Thirty-Four

"Naruto, just because you don't like teacher Iruka doesn't mean you can be this happy you're out of the academy," Hiruzen began, and Naruto looked back at the old man puzzled.
I exhaled.
"He's thinking you're doing a sort of 'take that' to Iruka, Naruto. Don't correct him," I continued, and Naruto quickly began to act sheepish.
"I'm sorry old man, but I'm finally free from that teacher!"
"Very well," the Hokage sighed. "You understand you'll be without a fixed team for a while yet, do you?" he said as he began to walk towards the Hokage tower, Naruto following him. "And that you'll have to go with other Genin and their teachers for a while."

"Sure old man," Naruto grinned. "Don't sweat it!"
"I wonder though, what made you change so much, Naruto?" Hiruzen asked. "I wouldn't have expected you to master the Bunshin so quickly in the new term. Was it a change of teaching methods?"
"Duh! I just decided I needed more...discipline! And so I did just that," Naruto nodded. "Discipline! And cooking!"
Hiruzen laughed. "Ah, Naruto, I'm glad you finally weened off your ramen desires."
"Ramen's still good!" Naruto nodded, "But I want to learn how to cook it! So I can eat it whenever an important occasion comes around!"
"Oh? Like getting a forehead protector?" Hiruzen asked.

Naruto turned thoughtful, and then looked at me. I gave him a nod.
"Yep!" Naruto grinned.
"By the way," Hiruzen asked, "Why are you wearing a trench coat?"
"Uhm...I find it really cool! And I can hide stuff inside it! And..." Naruto babbled, "I heard the fourth Hokage wore one!"
"Yes, he did," Hiruzen said, his eyes slightly glazed over, "You found yourself an idol to follow?"
"Yep! The fourth Hokage defeated the Kyuubi, didn't he? So he's got to be extra-extra strong or something!"
"I'm glad you decided to train more seriously," Hiruzen said.
"I've always been training seriously, old man!" Naruto pouted. "I just wasn't training to my strengths!"
"Oh?"
"Uh-uh," Naruto replied. "I'm going to learn all cool techniques I can!"
"Ah, well, who am I to say no? Good luck with that then."

Once in the office, Hiruzen quietly opened his top drawer, and extracted a forehead protector from it. "Here you go! Come by tomorrow morning and I'll see what missions I can assign you."
"Hip-Hip hurray!" Naruto cheered, and then dashed out, myself floating behind him.

I had a bad feeling the missions with other Genin would involve D-ranks taken from the fillers. And I knew absolutely nothing about the fillers.
Heck. I knew nearly nothing about the anime itself, if not for the movies.
"Hey teacher," Naruto said as we dashed across the road, grinning broadly. "Ramen?"
"I did nod. You can have ramen...at lunch time. Not now. It's barely ten in the morning!"
Naruto pouted, "Sure! Anyway, library, here we come!"

Ka-chink.

"Really?" I frowned. "Well, just remember to practice elemental manipulations away from other people's sight."
"Uh-uh!" he grinned. "Hey, you think I'll make Hokage soon?"
"Soon, no," I replied, "But in a decade or two? Most certainly."
"Cool."

This time, there was no need for a Henge. And Naruto opted for not using the shadow clones either. He did take out a white scroll and a brush with an inkpot from one of his pockets however -this time, we had come prepared.
Finally, he settled on the corner table and kept on reading from a taijutsu scroll.

Ka-chink.

"You know what," I remarked offhandedly. "You could use the shadow clones to practice moves. Like, try to see and understand where you're leaving yourself wide open for attacks and where not."
Naruto blinked, and then hurriedly wrote it down as one of the things to do on his list.
"Then there's Fire chakra to learn. You can use it in combination with wind to increase its potency. If you have a shadow clone doing a wind blade, you can create a fire stream and make the attack stronger. Or you can use it in combination with water to increase the concussive force of the water blast. Another thing," Naruto scribbled as I spoke, "Is to check on sealing techniques. You're an Uzumaki, your clan should have quite the prowess in it. Another thing yet is to enter in a summoning contract. Now, you can have multiple ones -apparently- and Sasuke should have in his house one belonging to the hawks. Orochimaru holds the one for snakes, Jiraiya the one for toads and Tsunade the one for slugs. I think the third Hokage has the one for monkeys, while Kakashi Hatake holds one for dogs. There could be more, and most certainly are, but these are the major ones. Keep an eye out for them: they can be used quite effectively."
Naruto nodded.
"On the other hand," I continued, "If you manage to learn the technique for summoning and then try to summon, you'll end up brought to the animal that most defines you. Among other things, keep an eye out because if you sign a summoning contract, then you can be summoned at any one moment by the animals you contracted with."

Naruto nodded.
"And about Genjutsu," I added, "You must learn how to defend yourself from it. No excuses."
Naruto nodded again.

Ka-chink.

"Finally, try not to get kicked out of the library when I disappear-" Naruto's head turned towards me, and I grinned. "Don't worry. We'll see each other soon enough. I hope. I'll be back. Anyway, to show people you mean business, try to speak only in answer to when they're speaking to you. Use it as a way to appear serious."
"Teacher-"
"It's all right, Naruto," I grinned. "I'll be back. I hope. And if not, keep on making me proud of you."

Clunk.
"Teacher!"

And everything was darkness once more.
"What's this about Data retrieval?" I asked.
//...
"I know you're there."
//Yes.
"It's...more than one person."
//No. Wrong. The definition might not be precisely the one you seek.
"I heard three voices just now," I replied.
//Reinsertion.

There was light.
I blinked.
I looked around.

This. Wasn't. Evangelion.

This wasn't Evangelion.
This wasn't Evangelion.


I...
This wasn't Evangelion.
This wasn't Harry Potter.
This wasn't Mass Effect.

"Who are you?" a male voice asked.
I blinked and looked at the person in question.
"Ahem," I coughed. "Who are you?"
"I asked the question first," the boy bristled.
"Yes, but I would feel better knowing who you are first."
"Why?"
"Because the destiny of the world rides on it."
"Really?"
"Somewhat yes."
"Oh," the boy blinked.
He looked around, puzzled for a moment, and then answered. "I am the King of the Gerudo, Lord Ganondorf Dragmire."
And he couldn't be older than sixteen.
No.
Nope.
Not a chance in hell.
"Uh..."
This was not in the plans.
This couldn't be in the plans.
This was against the plans.
I was pretty sure this prevaricated every other single thought!
"Now who are you?" he asked. "You don't look like a Stalfos."
"I'm...a dimensional traveler," I replied calmly. "And my name is Shade."
"Shade? That is a strange name."
"Ganondorf is a strange name too, you know."
The Gerudo -future King of Evil and whatnot- was a sixteen year old teenager.
And he was looking at me.
And I was looking at him.

This.
This was not in anything I had expected.

A curve ball.
This was a curve ball.

A devastating curve ball.

And I wanted to scream.

Because this wasn't in any way logical!

//Destabilization. Stabilizing. Stress tests must continue.
 
I demand that you help him take over the world! He must become a proper villain. You must inform him of the evil overlord list as soon as possible!
 
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Inform him that he is cursed to be the one ruining the life of the Hero! If everything goes well, you should convince him to screw his destiny and try to uncurse himself.

Of course, if he manage to get the curse off his line, then someone else must get it! It will be the fun canon breaking times !
 
Maybe now he'll finally stop making assumptions about things.:/
I'd say that he is doing a very good job keeping the assumptions to a minimum. Remember, Shade has no ability to proactively gather evidence, has had his mind messed with every time he changed universes, and what evidence he managed to gather and write down just got censored. In such a situation, scientific rigor is impossible.

More than that, our brains are wired to try and figure things out. If we can't find an explanation for things, we tend to make up our own; especially in high stress situations where we don't have a lot of time to think.

Frankly, I'm impressed he's managed to keep the number of assumptions as low as he has. There was even a section or two where he pulled himself back when he realized he was making sweeping assumptions.

---
EDITED to eliminate some annoying autocorrect errors.
 
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Aww....~ -_- You didn't tell naruto the substitution trick!! You know have a clone on stand by to substitute with the main at all times...


Anyways are you drawing inspiration from xanderquest for this ganendorf?
 
I'd say that he is doing a very good job keeping the assumptions to a minimum. Remember, Shade has no ability to proactively gather evidence, has had his mind messed with every time he changed universes, and what evidence he managed to gather and write down just got censored. In such a situation, scientific rigor is impossible.

More than that, our brains are wired to try and figure things out. If we can't find an explanation for things, we tend to make up our own; especially in high stress situations where we have a lot of time to think.

Frankly, I'm impressed he's managed to keep the number of assumptions as low as he has. There was even a section or two where he pulled himself back when he realized he was making sweeping assumptions.

---
EDITED to eliminate some annoying autocorrect errors.

If you'd read the start and middle of the stories, you'd see he not only made LOTS of assumptions about how things worked, he touted them as facts, unwilling to even entertain the notion of being wrong. It's only when he's been completely proven wrong that he even looks at them again, and this trend was there in the relatively recent updates too - like the Shepard one.

Quite frankly, I completely disagree with you about him keeping the assumptions to a minimum. He's made leaps of logic from the start of the story, such as with his idea of what prompted this whole thing and the mechanics of the loop, and never cottoned on to how absurd some of his assumptions were. It's actually quite nice to see them all falling flat right.

It's still rather disappointing to see a lot of his assumptions regarding settings working out, like in the Harry Potter and Mass Effect settings, but I suppose that isn't what the story is about, and in Mass Effect there's even a weird, annoyingly meta justification for it, so I suppose it doesn't really matter.
 
36
Chapter Thirty-Five

"So is the world at risk?" Ganondorf asked. "Are you a chosen of the goddesses or something similar?"
"No, I'm a chosen of fickle destiny and a scorn-filled god," I replied as calmly as I good. "But as it is, tell me, what are you doing?"
Ganondorf was standing in the middle of the desert, a dark horse tied to a rock a few steps behind.
"I am exploring my belongings," he said. "Well, sand and rocks. Ah, are you a hallucination due to heat? I thought I had gone without drinking for too long, but-"
"Don't worry, I'm not."
"But how would I know? You could be some part of my inner self emerging," Ganondorf replied. "The Twin Rova sisters always tell me I've got heaps of power just waiting for me to pick them up."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they would say that...they're the hags on broomsticks who throw around fire and ice, right?"
"Yes," Ganondorf nodded. "But I have to ask how you know of this. You don't look like a Hylian, and you are the wrong color to be a Gerudo, and the wrong sex too."
"I'm a human," I replied. "From a far away country, in a far away place, from a far away time. The 'hateful' god I spoke of decided it would bring him great pleasure if I traveled through the worlds, experiencing despair and drama as far as I could be pushed."
"That sounds more like a demon than a god," Ganondorf replied.
"Ah, don't tell me," I sighed. "But as long as I stand...well, you are hurt, are you not?"
"No," Ganondorf frowned. "I'm not hurt."

I shrugged. "Not in the body, but in the soul, maybe. Something's 'eating' you inside, isn't it?"
"Is that a part of your curse? You come to those who are hurting?"
"Yes," I nodded. "That seems to be the case most of the time. So, want to talk about it?"
Ganondorf shook his head. "A king should show no weaknesses."
"Well, I'm not going to be able to tell anyone else," I replied. "You are the only one who can hear me, or see me, and no amount of magic, power or anything else will be able to touch me. I'm just an observer, and a speaker."
Ganondorf remained quiet for a moment, letting my words sink in, probably. "How can I be sure you are not lying?"
"Try me," I replied with a shrug. "Hit me with everything you've got. Magic, brute force, and so forth. I will emerge unscathed each time."
"Are you sure? On the training ranges and in the arena, I am the undefeated champion. The Twin Rova sisters have trained me in their arts, and there is little that can stand in my way."
"Well, precisely because of that then," I replied. "If you can't hurt me, then it comes to term only a god could have put me in this situation. Or, if you don't believe in that, at least know that I am no threat to anyone, because I can only use my words as a weapon, and you are the only one who can hear them anyway."

Ganondorf was quick. In the middle of the desert, with the harsh blowing wind all around us, he whipped out a short sword from his belt and sliced through me. Of course, nothing happened.
The next moment, a burst of fire, and then one of ice, yielded the same results.
"This only proves you're untouchable," Ganondorf acquiesced. "It does not prove anything else."
"Maybe, but it's a stepping stone on the way to trust, isn't it?"
"Never trust someone you cannot kill or control," Ganondorf replied.
I sighed. "Really, who taught you? The Twin Rova or the Paranoid Grannies? You don't have to kill or control people to live a good life, you know that?"
"The desert claims the weak," Ganondorf bristled, "That is a law of nature."
I shrugged, and floated right next to him. "Maybe, but you know what is the thing that sets us apart from beasts?"
Ganondorf raised an eyebrow.
"We break the laws of nature all the time," I added with a grin. "There are countless ways to turn deserts into forests, Ganondorf. You just need the will to do it, and the most scorching of heat can be shackled, bound, and turned into a frosty breeze."
"Ha! I needed a laugh from a jester's spirit," Ganondorf snorted. "The desert is the desert. It can't be changed."
"Really? For being the King of the Gerudo you give up surprisingly fast," I deadpanned. "I'd think you'd rise up to the challenge."
"There is no challenge. It is only a fool's errand to try and tame the desert."
"Ah, Ganondorf, you know nothing then," I remarked. "There are ways to tame the desert, just like there are ways to tame mountains, oceans, forests, jungles, rivers...mankind has tamed everything in nature. Where there is a will, there is a way."

Ganondorf chuckled. "It is not the way of the Gerudo to toil the ground. We steal from the weak. That is how we tame the world."
"But when the weak disappear, what will you hunt next?"
"There will always be weaklings," Ganondorf remarked.
"Ah, Ganondorf," I sighed. "A war will come, a great war between the Hylian and the Gerudo, it will last for decades, and at the end, after countless corpses will wet the ground, you shall emerge the victor."
Ganondorf raised an eyebrow. "Really? So you're a jester and a prophetic spirit?"
"But you will lose in the end to the will of the Goddesses," I continued, "For it is the destiny of tyrants to fall. Kings, on the other hand, stand proud and tall no matter what happens."
Ganondorf bristled. "The Goddesses do not intervene in this world," he remarked. "The Triforce-"
"Somehow, I had the suspicion you knew of it, but it will be useless. Whoever claims it that is not pure of heart will see it shattered in three pieces. One symbolizes power, the other wisdom, and the last one courage."
Ganondorf grinned. "That I didn't know. But even a piece of the Triforce would be enough to allow me to win the war."
"What makes you think you'll grasp the triforce in the middle of the war?" I drawled.

Ganondorf frowned. "My people could use the lands of the Hylian."
"You don't need them. You need their ground, most certainly, but not their lands."
"Oh? Explain then, spirit," Ganondorf said.
I shrugged. "The most fertile lands are those wet by the mud of the rivers. If you could build an aqueduct, for example, you would be able to bring water even to the deepest recesses of your lands."
"Gerudo do not toil the land," Ganondorf stressed.
"Well then, how can you expect bounties to come from the land if you do not work it?" I deadpanned. "The question is: are you a King or are you a Tyrant, Ganondorf? To be King is to be loved, to be a Tyrant is to be feared. The latter is easier to become than the first, but with the first, you don't risk a sword through your guts and the hatred of the Gods."
Ganondorf remained quiet for a moment, lost in thought. "Is that my destiny if I become a tyrant? If my plans...I only just thought of them, watching this desert. If I aim to strike, if I plot and plan and conquer...that is what awaits me?"
"Yes, and then a sealing that will last centuries, a sealing that will bring the goddesses' wrath down on the land and drown it in water, and then, even then, you will free yourself again and again you will try to conquer the land...but all to no avail. You will break as centuries of planning will unfold at their seams, and bitterly, you will laugh your last while remarking how loud the wind blows."

Ganondorf looked at the desert, the scorching sands and the clear and striking blue of the sky. He suddenly didn't look like a sixteen year old, but like an older version of himself, if only in his visage.
"What does it mean, to be a King?"
I hummed. "It means to lead the people standing by their side, rather than above them."
"And how will they know I am to be respected if I walk among them?" Ganondorf asked.
"Well, your actions will speak for you, louder than your words or your own self," I drawled. "You will be accountable, but that is a necessary step in growing up."
"The Twin Rova said I would find a great power if I walked through the desert endlessly," Ganondorf said. "They told me it was in my fate. Are you that power?"
"Ah," I turned thoughtful. "I think they're referring to a demon called 'Demise'. I know little about him, if not for the fact that to accept him is to accept a fate that always leads to defeat. Like his name implies, he brings 'Demise' to those around him, but to himself too."
"He does?"
"He can never win. A curse, shall we say, set forth by the Goddesses," I said. "All those he chooses will fight against the descendants of those that banished him in the first place, but he can ever win. Never."

The wind quieted down abruptly around us.
"I have been born to be the King of the Gerudo," Ganondorf remarked at last, "The King of Thieves, the Guardian of the Desert."
"Nobody is ever born to be something or someone," I said. "We are born. What we do with our lives, it is up to us to decide. That said," I hummed, "Tell me where the nearest river is, and I think your people will thank you, when you will return with water, rather than power."
"I hardly think the water I can carry will be well received as a gift," Ganondorf remarked.
"Oh no, Ganondorf," I shook my head. "Who ever said anything about bringing back what you can carry?"
I smiled as Ganondorf looked at me with a puzzled look.
"I was thinking more about bringing the river to the Gerudo."

Ganondorf mounted on his horse and turned to look at me. "You said you could not interact with the world. Was that a lie, spirit?"
"No, Ganondorf, of course it wasn't a lie." I remarked. "You will have to do the job. I will teach you how."
"Very well then," Ganondorf nodded. "Show me then, Shade, how to be King."
"I'll do more than that," I remarked. "I'll show you how to be a great King."

Yet no chain went 'Ka-chink'. Ganondorf didn't trust my word, but he was pleasant all the same.
It still didn't mean anything.
Two could play the game of pleasant smiles after all and daggers hidden by our backs after all.
And he was young.
Skilled and probably future user of the Triforce of Power, but until then, he was still a living being, and a man.
I just had to play to his greed, and ensure that if he didn't trust my words, he'd at least accept the possibility of defeat.
Nobody wants to risk their lives after all, not when there's another way.

And if he still wanted to take over the land of Hyrule afterwards...
I'd help him.
After all, I needed him to trust me.

I just hoped this would be that one exception that confirms the rules.
I needed coffee, and Shinji was the one with the brewing machine, after all.

//Processes are showing signs of Corruption. Has it become worrisome yet? I told you two so, but did you listen to me?
 
Hmm... King Ganondorf of the people, you say...?

Just add water, and make sure to keep it in the Shade.
 
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There is a very simple way to fix Ganondorf:


Unfortunately you must find a way to travel to PopStar to get Kirby.

You can also get Kirby and a Jigglypuff, for extra cuteness!
 
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Yet no chain went 'Ka-chink'. Ganondorf didn't trust my word, but he was pleasant all the same.
It still didn't mean anything.
Two could play the game of pleasant smiles after all and daggers hidden by our backs after all.
And he was young.
Skilled and probably future user of the Triforce of Power, but until then, he was still a living being, and a man.
I just had to play to his greed, and ensure that if he didn't trust my words, he'd at least accept the possibility of defeat.
Nobody wants to risk their lives after all, not when there's another way.

And if he still wanted to take over the land of Hyrule afterwards...
I'd help him.
After all, I needed him to trust me.

I just hoped this would be that one exception that confirms the rules.
I needed coffee, and Shinji was the one with the brewing machine, after all.

//Processes are showing signs of Corruption. Has it become worrisome yet? I told you two so, but did you listen to me?
Looks like it's starting to get to him.
 
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