So, at the moment I find myself in an unusual situation - namely, that I effectively have a two chapter backlog for Imago that are going through the editing process.

And so the thought occurred to me that given that this chapter is certainly the end of the current "mini-arc" that started with the death, it might be a good moment to ask you guys how you think the fic is going, what you think about the narrative structure and the pacing, and indeed if you have any opinions on the content and the way the story is going. With the fact that I have some lead-time in, we're actually in the unusual situation that I can actually make changes to unpublished, already-written work in response to reader feedback of how they think things are going and criticisms they have.

Yes, I'm going to say that thing beloved of fanfiction writers and say "I welcome criticism" - but I actually do. I won't be able to refine things unless I know where I can improve.

So, readers, countrymen, lend me your voices.

On top of that, though, I do have one concrete thing I would welcome an opinion on:

As it stands, from my point of view Imago is nearly 2/3rds done, as the aim has always to have 6 Worm-sized ten-chapter arcs. However, as I've been examining things, and the way the writing organically has come out, I've noticed that I've still been writing somewhat more to the Overlady-style "four-six chapter arcs" structure, that IMO is a major component of why I think Arc 2 was too slow and why things have sped up somewhat. Arc 2's big flaw was that it was trying to fit too little content into too many chapters.

So the specific point on top of the other things is whether I should just acknowledge that and switch - at the end of Arc 4 - into shorter Arcs that just formally acknowledge it? There should still be around 20 chapters (plus a few interludes) after that, but would you prefer I keep to the current format or that I instead go to 4-chapter arcs. This would probably increase the number of interludes (and so slightly slow down Taylor's story), but on the other hand I have noted a few people in various discussion places saying that they'd rather see a bit more detail from other people, out of the - ha - claustrophobic and depressing confines of Taylor's head.
 
Last edited:
And so the thought occurred to me that given that this chapter is certainly the end of the current "mini-arc" that started with the death, it might be a good moment to ask you guys how you think the fic is going, what you think about the narrative structure and the pacing, and indeed if you have any opinions on the content and the way the story is going. With the fact that I have some lead-time in, we're actually in the unusual situation that I can actually make changes to unpublished, already-written work in response to reader feedback of how they think things are going and criticisms they have.

Yes, I'm going to say that thing beloved of fanfiction writers and say "I welcome criticism" - but I actually do. I won't be able to refine things unless I know where I can improve.
I'm not sure that what I'm going to say is going to be useful for you because it probably just ends up being in the bucket that this just is Not Quite For Me. (Or, rather, that I'm still reading because you're a good writer and I like what you've done in the past but I'm not especially invested in this particular fic.)

Environmentally, I feel like things are just a little -too- dreary and terrible and a bit overwrought and end up being a bit of a slog to read through. You have a lot of great descriptions and set up the atmosphere and so on but to my liking it just goes a bit too far or too long. I'm not sure how much you can really get away with that given this is nWoD and the entire nature of how Taylor's powers are designed, but it's what I feel.

I'd also comment on how I think you've done a pretty reasonable job at making Taylor about as competent as she actually should be as a not really that worldly American teenager who's had a mental breakdown at one point in the not-so-distant past (that is to say kind of a fuckup) but, ironically, this also makes it painful to read at times where I'm facepalming at things she's doing.
 
Last edited:
I feel like it dragged a bit early on, though that might have been a thematic choice. It also feels dark and depressing, especially early on, which left me feeling the same way I felt after reading A Series of Unfortunate Events or Maus (I was pretty young for ASOUE, and also young for Maus). This might also have been a thematic choice, but it didn't make for easy reading. I feel like you've gotten better with both though, though that might also be a thematic choice. (Thematic choice no longer sounds like words)
 
So, readers, countrymen, lend me your voices.

The worldbuilding is fantastic, but it's a still-life. Up until now, I'd thought the story was still in Act 1 and just paced slowly - I would never have guessed it was 2/3rds of the way through, because Taylor hasn't had any impact on the world she lives in. Everything is exactly the same as it was when she started, plus or minus a few nobodies that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Even her social circle is so small, and her impact on them so insignificant, that if she disappeared the only chance it would make in the world is that her father would be slightly more depressed. If she suddenly starts changing things, it'll feel abrupt; if the story ends without her changing anything, she lacks agency. Of course, it's entirely possible and even likely that you're planning to end this as a tragedy, in which case kudos, it's quite tragic already and gearing up to be even moreso.
 
One of the things that I loved about the story was the worldbuilding. I didn't know anything about the other source material coming in, and I remember being really impressed with the changes you made to Worm, and I loved how everything was presented. I don't think I've ever seen a Worm fanfic that had me so engrossed in the description of the city and Taylor's day to day life. In some ways, even Wildbow didn't catch my interest as well as you did. I know that some people complained that it was too dark, and in some cases I'd agree with that (the locker scene was way too much too soon, in my opinion), but I personally loved how run-down and depressing everything was. It gave the setting a kind of weight, if that makes sense? It made threats and potential consequences more frightening. I never felt like Taylor was ever going to win a confrontation entirely because the plot demanded it. It made a rent-a-cop with a dog a real threat, which would be all but impossible in any other kind of Worm fanfic.

On the other hand, the pacing was pretty bad. Those problems have been talked to death already, but one thing I want to point out is the fact that I'm extremely surprised that we've even passed the halfway point in terms of plot. You've set up so many directions to go (the thing with Coil and the Undersiders, the thing with the S9, we don't know much about Kaiser's gang and it seems so interesting, what about this world's Protectorate and the shady government stuff??). With how they were presented, I thought they were going to be important parts of the story. They may still be, but probably not in the way I was expecting.
 
Last edited:
This story has a number of strength - description, atmospheric, but it's really bad at action, which is a really big problem because two of the three major sources for this are action heavy.


Cyberpunk tends to have be grim, but it's inter-spaced with either cyberspace thrills, or brutal violence, or both, depending. For all it's surface cynicism cyberpunk runs off of people defying the voice that says they don't matter, it's a genre about desperately yelling and succeeding at yelling even when the whole world is against you. The success might be temporary, small, or personal, but they succeed. Sometimes die, often left forgotten, or covered up, but there's often a flash of light in the gray.

From Cowboy and Sarah dragging down the orbital that tried to walk all over them, to Catherine Li dragging the U.N.s dirty laundry to light at the cost of the life she built, to Deckard running away with the girls to live their short lives together. The victory is conditional, flawed, pricey, but solid and real.

Superheroes run on larger then life characters who both have the power to effect to world directly, and who do so. It can be team, or it can be independently, but a fundamental element of the super hero is power. They are personally powerful, and their restraint or there lack of restraint defines them. The big difference between a dark and a bright superhero story isn't their ability to effect the world, it's the answer to the question "is this a good thing." Worm itself did not break new grand here.

Only the horror story runs on disempowerment, which makes this a horror story first and everything else second. It also has a number of other elements that, while not unique to horror, most strongly tie it to horror. The story is building towards being a tragedy. You viewpoint character is dislikable enough the people won't call her the hero. She's working towards her own doom by pursuing what's giving every sign of being That Which Man was Not Meant to Know., and she interacts with the world through her own flaws. Yes, cyberpunk protagonists can be every bit as flawed as horror characters, but they ultimately must rise above them, where horror character can fail to do so and live in their own failures.

Which is a shame, because you emphasize the cyberpunk idea, and have the horror elements tied with the superhero elements. Honestly, with the story you are telling could have left the cyberpunk out entirely and nothing would have been lost, and you would have saved chapters of world-building and interludes. Interesting world building - but world building that's increasingly obviously irrelevant to the heart of the story you've told so far.

You could have marginalized the superhero bits even more then you did so already - they basically serve as camouflage, which means that's exactly how much superhero stuff you need, enough to camouflage the horror elements that you're sneaking up on people. I think you felt you had to include some of that, because you were writing this as a worm fanfic, but if Miss Milita or the Undersiders or other worm elements vanished entirely nothing would be lost, because this is really an original story that cannibalized a handful of elements from Worm to get people to read your story, but you didn't need it, and they didn't matter.

I also would say that you maybe should have not made your Taylor quite so dislikable, but that's a personal taste thing. I just less motivated to read a story about a character I don't care about at all.


In the end you put a lot of time, energy, and effort into some good world building, and that worldbuilding wasn't needed in the least for your story and adds nothing, because introducing it slows down an already slow story.
 
I have very few objective criticisms about this story. Compared to published works, the pacing isn't perfect but for fanfiction it's fine.

To the comments above about her not having a huge effect on the world, my opinion is that it doesn't matter because this isn't that kind of fic. She's operating at a street level with huge conspiracy stuff in the background. It affects her but that doesn't mean the story should move to her fixing the world's problems in the period of another arc or two. If you wrote a sequel or kept this going for another 5 or 10 arcs, then I might expect it to ramp up in terms of her involvement with the greater picture.

But the world building isn't wasted just because you don't have her get involved with every aspect of it. It's already affected her on a personal and professional level. IMO, this is how world building should always work; the world should always seem bigger than the main character. And the unique flavor yours added was perfect.

As for character development, I think it was well done if slightly slow. I'm emotionally invested in this Taylor and her struggles the same way I was in Worm.

I can see this going many different directions from here. You could use the eating Parahuman powers thing as a start to her building in power (and being able to use it without hurting herself as much) which could lead to her increasing her effect on the world and interacting with more people. Or it could end with her death from any number of reasons. Or anything in between or beside. I think a tragic end would feel natural and so would an end with her solving some of her personal issues and getting ready to start a slightly more hopeful part of her life.

My attempts as objectivity aside, I'm really not a fan of tragedy in fanfiction. I don't mind if things are sucky as long as they get better at some point. But that's just my preference. Honestly, this kind of story isn't what I normally read in fanfiction but it's written well enough that I am anyways.
 
What else to say?

A bit disappointed that the story is nearing its end. I didn't mind the slower pace at all. It helped you really flesh out the world and Taylor's headspace who seemed much more like a damaged teenager trying to make a difference. I think your story has quite a bit more to tell though. Worm and World of Darkness had people risking a lot in a terrible world to try to change things for the better and I feel like this Taylor is only just getting started. We have hints of a grand conspiracy, Coil's plans to take over the city, the brief glimpse of the Undersides and whether they have changed in this world, your version of the Endbringers, the possiblity that Taylor has been infected with the 9 mental virus and whether you will keep to the main story of Worm where Taylor slowly changes in her quest to help the city.
 
This is a wonderful piece of fiction but having said that I'll echo those above; I'm baffled at the idea that we're 2/3 of the way through. I'd have thought at most we were 1/3 the way through this story. It feels like it's just starting to ramp up.
 
As everyone else I adore the worldbuilding, you've managed a wonderful Cthulu-esque world.

The pretty much usual pacing issues with fanfiction are also here, I mostly attribute it to a lack of "antagonism" for long e.g. introducing an unreasonable doctor, Chrissie flipping or quicker spread of S-I-X I think would have helped a bit in getting my heartbeat going (Unsurprisingly evading bird-lady was my absolutely favorite part).
 
To echo many others, I'm flabbergasted that we're apparently only a short distance off from the denouement; I'd accept her learning to consume the powers of other capes as being the halfway mark, but my real impression was that we were looking at the actual start of the main narrative last chapter. You've set up all this stuff with the city and the gangs and the government and S I X and Kirstie that seemed like the scaffolding of this big looming web of stories and apparently all that just... doesn't matter, I guess. Even ignoring the bulk of what's been set up, trying to end the story in 1/3 the time you've spent setting it up seems like it can't avoid either a breakneck eruption of events that shred the narrative or a "then Taylor just kind of died in a ditch, nothing ever mattered" ending that will trigger nihilistic fury among chunks of the fanbase (including me).

However dreadful a story, completely deprotagonizing a character in a setting this grim just punishes the reader for experiencing it. If I want to feel like a pathetic, supplementary cog in a vast uncaring universe, I can just look out my window and ignore the decade plus of medication and therapy intended to keep me from a total depressive breakdown. Misery and hopelessness are the universal default for me, so having it infect the fiction I use to cope is unpleasant and infuriating in a way totally alien to literary appreciation.

In other words, I'm more than a bit concernicus about what's coming.
 
So, at the moment I find myself in an unusual situation - namely, that I effectively have a two chapter backlog for Imago that are going through the editing process.

And so the thought occurred to me that given that this chapter is certainly the end of the current "mini-arc" that started with the death, it might be a good moment to ask you guys how you think the fic is going, what you think about the narrative structure and the pacing, and indeed if you have any opinions on the content and the way the story is going. With the fact that I have some lead-time in, we're actually in the unusual situation that I can actually make changes to unpublished, already-written work in response to reader feedback of how they think things are going and criticisms they have.

Yes, I'm going to say that thing beloved of fanfiction writers and say "I welcome criticism" - but I actually do. I won't be able to refine things unless I know where I can improve.

So, readers, countrymen, lend me your voices.

On top of that, though, I do have one concrete thing I would welcome an opinion on:

As it stands, from my point of view Imago is nearly 2/3rds done, as the aim has always to have 6 Worm-sized ten-chapter arcs. However, as I've been examining things, and the way the writing organically has come out, I've noticed that I've still been writing somewhat more to the Overlady-style "four-six chapter arcs" structure, that IMO is a major component of why I think Arc 2 was too slow and why things have sped up somewhat. Arc 2's big flaw was that it was trying to fit too little content into too many chapters.

So the specific point on top of the other things is whether I should just acknowledge that and switch - at the end of Arc 4 - into shorter Arcs that just formally acknowledge it? There should still be around 20 chapters (plus a few interludes) after that, but would you prefer I keep to the current format or that I instead go to 4-chapter arcs. This would probably increase the number of interludes (and so slightly slow down Taylor's story), but on the other hand I have noted a few people in various discussion places saying that they'd rather see a bit more detail from other people, out of the - ha - claustrophobic and depressing confines of Taylor's head.
I like this fic but it is really confusing for me since I don't know the source material. I keep wondering what would happen next.
 
I kind of fall on both sides that have been prevented thus far as to the story being almost over. I completely understand and agree that Taylor shouldn't have any noticable effect on the world as a whole, this story has presented her as low-powered throughout, and it makes perfect sense that it will stay street level in a single city. On the other hand, I was also expecting her to have an effect that would be noticable by the general population of Brockton Bay itself, and for that purpose, it feels like everything up until now was mere set-up, and we're a quarter of the way through the story, a third at most. The idea that we're actually mostly done just comes as a major surprise, and is likely why so many people commented on it feeling slow. For the setup that normally takes a minority of the story, this has been really long, to the point that something half as long as what you've already written may well be long enough to be 3/4 of a different story that is still good, but if there's any real change in that part, the sudden transition will be massively jarring.
 
So, at the moment I find myself in an unusual situation - namely, that I effectively have a two chapter backlog for Imago that are going through the editing process.

And so the thought occurred to me that given that this chapter is certainly the end of the current "mini-arc" that started with the death, it might be a good moment to ask you guys how you think the fic is going, what you think about the narrative structure and the pacing, and indeed if you have any opinions on the content and the way the story is going. With the fact that I have some lead-time in, we're actually in the unusual situation that I can actually make changes to unpublished, already-written work in response to reader feedback of how they think things are going and criticisms they have.

Yes, I'm going to say that thing beloved of fanfiction writers and say "I welcome criticism" - but I actually do. I won't be able to refine things unless I know where I can improve.

So, readers, countrymen, lend me your voices.

On top of that, though, I do have one concrete thing I would welcome an opinion on:

As it stands, from my point of view Imago is nearly 2/3rds done, as the aim has always to have 6 Worm-sized ten-chapter arcs. However, as I've been examining things, and the way the writing organically has come out, I've noticed that I've still been writing somewhat more to the Overlady-style "four-six chapter arcs" structure, that IMO is a major component of why I think Arc 2 was too slow and why things have sped up somewhat. Arc 2's big flaw was that it was trying to fit too little content into too many chapters.

So the specific point on top of the other things is whether I should just acknowledge that and switch - at the end of Arc 4 - into shorter Arcs that just formally acknowledge it? There should still be around 20 chapters (plus a few interludes) after that, but would you prefer I keep to the current format or that I instead go to 4-chapter arcs. This would probably increase the number of interludes (and so slightly slow down Taylor's story), but on the other hand I have noted a few people in various discussion places saying that they'd rather see a bit more detail from other people, out of the - ha - claustrophobic and depressing confines of Taylor's head.
This fic has a problem with "and then stuff happened". I like it, a lot. The prose is good, the world building excellent as usual. But so far it all seems so separate. Nothing seems coherent except the atmosphere. The sense of hopelessness and grunge pervades everything, which is fantastic.

However the Undersiders were1... and the S IX is... Kirsty is... and Taylor is happily sliding into addiction and madness. But so far none of it hangs together. We have several seperate mysteries, but they are at this point in the narrative very separate. Like the stuff with Lucy seems to not matter at all. Nor do two of the three interludes. Kirsty was an interesting mystery but, she also has no apparent connection to anything else so far, other than sort of sharing Taylor's powers... maybe.

I like reading it and have faith stuff will come together in the end. But, there hasn't been much in the way of payoff so far. Which makes the fact that there are only two arcs left pretty surprising.

1 Props for the Undersider Interlude. It's a solid story that could almost stand on it's own as a piece of horror fiction (dangling plot threads not withstanding).
 
Last edited:
So, readers, countrymen, lend me your voices.

Well, the pacing has definitely improved in the third arc. There is a clear forward momentum now, with Taylor learning more about the mystery and her powers, which is a good thing.

However,
As it stands, from my point of view Imago is nearly 2/3rds done, as the aim has always to have 6 Worm-sized ten-chapter arcs.
this is really surprising, as others said. It doesn't feel like we're approaching the final act of the story, it feels more like a beginning. I understand that the focus of the story always was on low-key stuff and that Taylor was never going to, say, deal with the Endbringers or anything else on that scale, but if we're 2/3rds in, I feel we should be getting more answers about the big mysteries introduced in this story by now, like the S I X deal, the birdwoman and so on. If those things were meant to be background elements that Taylor would only ever be affected by and never deal with directly, it wasn't communicated clear enough. And if they weren't, then, yeah, it feels like we're much closer to the beginning, with Taylor only starting to explore the secret world of conspiracies.

This would probably increase the number of interludes (and so slightly slow down Taylor's story), but on the other hand I have noted a few people in various discussion places saying that they'd rather see a bit more detail from other people, out of the - ha - claustrophobic and depressing confines of Taylor's head.

As such, more interludes would probably be welcome as they would allow to more clearly define the world and deliver information without breaking the flow of story and rushing it.
 
I'm certainly listening to these criticisms and comments and taking them on board - and, alas, do rather wish that I'd asked for them earlier. Keep them coming if you had anything else to say or contribute. This page has already been one of the most useful post-chapter contribution things. Seriously, I have a major problem with not getting enough criticism, and even if I may (as @Tempera has spoken about a few times in the past) choose to interpret the complaint as a more systematic or deeper issue than what it may superficially refer to, this kind of criticism is still a useful way for flagging hotspots and places where people feel that things are wrong.

However, I think should address particularly one recurrent theme, which is the fact that quite a few people really don't like the idea that there might only be 24 chapters (plus interludes) to go (with 36 already out, baring in mind that if you look at the threadmarks the progressive chapter size increase is real and so the previous chapter was the equivalent of 3 chapters from Arc 1.

And to that, I'll point out that a) I'm not exactly known for skimping on wordcount - I strongly suspect I'd break such a self-imposed limit, but it's something to aim for because I find it helps to force me to be more efficient with chapters when I have a limit to work against, and b) if you dis-associate your minds from the fanfiction paradigm for a little bit, 24 chapters at even a lower end estimate of 5k words each works out at 120k words, or to put it another way, two standard sized published novels. And these would be paced more like what you've seen of around 3-8 onwards or so - not the earlier ones.

Because I am not planning to re-write Worm with Imago. There may be sequels after it, but my plan has always been to make it a much more closed, street-level work than the original - and that's some of where I went wrong before I caught the slipping pacing, not having a clear plan for an ending and thus (as someone pointed out) just having a sequence of "and then that happened". This six-arc structure was something I devised when I reformed the pacing midway through Arc 3, and its effects and having a concrete structure is what produced the pick-up of speed and the punchier flow of events.

Bluntly, if I can't fix my pacing issues and resolve things in a somewhat satisfactory manner in two novels worth of text, there's something rather more critically wrong going on. I mean, Jesus, 120k words is half the length of AGSITV, or to name something else I've worked with, half the length of @Aleph's Power Games. I think it's much better that an actual narrative is produced, rather than things trailing away and the updates becoming more and more sparse if I lose interest. I don't want to run into the ANE/AEE problem again.
 
Last edited:
Yeah, I'm not going to criticizer that you feel you're wrapping up - Taylor's character arc does feel like it's entering it's decent, and soon will be crashing down around her. I understand why other people are surprised - you introduced a lot of elements and details as if they were going to matter more then they did, but it's been obvious for a while that not all of those elements could be brought together with the story you're telling.

It's why I tried to emphasize what you could cut out. Thematic consistency and interesting world-building are good in a story, but only so long as they remain slaves to plot. You mentioned Power Games, and I actually think it's a good comparison to make, because Aleph also did much deeper world building then was needed for her story. One of the big differences there was that, that world building was kept out of the story. She gave lots of interesting Q&As, and gave words of god and so on, but she kept things that weren't needed for her narrative in the supplementary materials rather then letting it spill into the body of the main work.

Sure, you won't understand everything if you don't read those supplementary materials, but you don't strictly need to understand it, any more then you need The Silmarillion for Lord of the Rings or Pottermore for Harry Potter. You having world building in your mind as you work is key. We having your world building in mind as we read is a nice but non-essential bonus.
 
In terms of wordcount, how much do we have to go?

I think her not impacting the world is perfectly fine, but I'd very much prefer if there were significant ongoing events for her to react to. Such as, a resolution of some manner to slaughterhouse nine, or at least some significant progress (IE "Oh shit this is now a global pandemic style BAD END" or "Half a city is dead but it's mostly contained"), I think we still don't really understand what happened back at the mental hospital, the nature of her powers, etc, or what Slaughterhouse Nine is. I figured these were all connected somehow, and also connected with her current descent into madness. There's been numerous hints of various tensions rising in the city leaving it on the edge of a bloody riot, and I figured that it would play a backdrop to some manner of slaughterhouse nine outbreak, and that at that point we would learn how Slaughterhouse Nine might be linked to both Taylor and The Other Place.

I have zero familiarity with nWOD and I never finished Worm, so I'm just viewing this as a story on its own. She wonders as to how common her specific type of powers are, and I'm very curious too, so I hope we at least get some sort of clue as to what the Other Place is, or how the government deals with it.

I greatly enjoy the atmosphere and hopeless tone, I think it's a morbidly fascinating look into the mind who has no idea what the hell she's doing and is gradually losing touch with reality.
 
Last edited:
This feels a little like dogpiling, but I have to chip in on the pacing issue. I'm fine with you keeping it street level, but even in terms of street level Taylor hasn't actually done that much. She got a costume together, set up her base, helped Kristy, shut down the sweatshop, and caught this killer just recently. That's not a lot for 120k words. The early stuff with the mental hospital moved along nicely enough, but as soon as she got out the story slowed to a snail's pace. I'm no writer so I can't really give any specific advice on how to fix this beyond the pacing needs to move faster, which isn't very helpful I know.

I'm with everyone else when they say this feels like the one quarter mark, or at best the one third, not the two thirds. Payoff needs to balance setup and so far this story has been heavy on the setup and light on the payoff.
 
Yeah, I'm not going to criticizer that you feel you're wrapping up - Taylor's character arc does feel like it's entering it's decent, and soon will be crashing down around her. I understand why other people are surprised - you introduced a lot of elements and details as if they were going to matter more then they did, but it's been obvious for a while that not all of those elements could be brought together with the story you're telling.

I think her not impacting the world is perfectly fine, but I'd very much prefer if there were significant ongoing events for her to react to. Such as, a resolution of some manner to slaughterhouse nine, or at least some significant progress (IE "Oh shit this is now a global pandemic style BAD END" or "Half a city is dead but it's mostly contained"), I think we still don't really understand what happened back at the mental hospital, the nature of her powers, etc, or what Slaughterhouse Nine is. I figured these were all connected somehow, and also connected with her current descent into madness. There's been numerous hints of various tensions rising in the city leaving it on the edge of a bloody riot, and I figured that it would play a backdrop to some manner of slaughterhouse nine outbreak, and that at that point we would learn how Slaughterhouse Nine might be linked to both Taylor and The Other Place.

You two together touch on basically the same point, though from different angles. Suffice to say, there's a good reason I'm asking the things I asked at the top of the page now. I've been following an actual plan since I got Viccy introduced, and if you look at things from thereon in you can see that approximately every 4-6 chapters since then, there's been a miniarc which has introduced a new piece onto the board - and wound tensions in Brockton Bay higher.

Now the board is basically set up, and the spring is wound to breaking point. And I've been holding off on the chapters partly due to IRL issues, but also because I want to get this bit right - and the commentary I'm getting here will hopefully contribute to that. I've already scheduled a rewrite of some elements to address issues some people have raised.

(And I don't like the three act structure as a narrative conceit. The five act structure is much more useful.)
 
The writing is superlative, the ideas are amazing and the pacing has escaped me too - it feels to me like the plot's just getting into motion (are we going to have the S IX explained to us more?) rather than 2/3 through.
 
I'd like to clarify something. It's not really so much that the pacing is too slow (though it could move faster), it's more that at the pace it's going, it feels like it should be much longer. I think that's the source of the 'I can't believe we're 2/3 through it'. If we were at the 1/3 or better yet the 1/4 mark and the pacing continued at this speed it wouldn't be so bad, since we'd have four times as long to get the pay off for all this setup. But if this is the 2/3 mark then you're going to have the setup and the payoff ending up rather uneven.
 
4.0x - Five of Wands
An Imago of Rust and Crimson

Masks 4.0x

Five of Wands


'Dear Mr de Ferraz,' began the letter. 'We are writing to you to remind you that your benefits under the MBTW program terminate on 2009-MAY-15. From this point onward, you will no longer receive the weekly $27 payment. You will not qualify for the payment again until you have paid 6 (six) months of contributions to the state fund. To help you with your long-term planning, we have included some useful pamphlets to help you in your pursuit of future employment. Of course, these days increasing numbers of people are becoming self-employed. Have you ever considered becoming your own boss?'

Ned de Ferraz stared through the paper unseeing, his mind elsewhere. Things floated into his awareness in broken chunks, like his senses were reporting from a TV with bad reception. Crisp paper on a grimy table, lit by a humming harsh bulb overhead. The smell of old noodles, stale beer and pot. Bureaucratic mechanical coldness with a false chirpy attitude as if he could just go out and find a fucking job.

He ran his hands through thinning brown hair, his stomach churning. His reflection in the glass screen of the old CRT in the corner of the room stared back at him. The bags under his eyes born of too many late nights made his face look like a skull. He was too fucking young to feel this old. Only twenty-five! But his old man never seemed to get it. The bastard had kicked him out years ago after he'd caught him smoking weed in the house. There had been screaming. There had been rage. There had been words that shouldn't have been said.

And now all that was left to him was this sticky cargo-crate apartment on the edge of Ormswood that he shared with his girlfriend and another couple. It was a dump and his MBTW payments had barely been enough to cover his share of the rent. Who did he know who might be willing to take him on as a temp worker? No one, that's who. Maybe someone might need a handyman for a few days. Those kinds of on-off jobs had kept him going through the six months of unemployment benefits – and had helped a lot 'cause the pittance that the state gave wasn't enough to live on, but nothing was ever long term.

It hurt him to take money from the state. He had to, but he resented it. But he hated it even more now that they were taking it away. He didn't want to need it, but he did and now that they were snatching it away it burned even worse.

The grey days when he had nothing to do were the worst. It was almost funny. When he was a kid skipping school had been great, but these days he'd kill to be able to turn up at the same place every day and work on something. Better than being left to flap in the wind like yesterday's newspaper tossed aside on the streets.

He looked over at Claudine. Tousled black hair pulled back sharply framed a heart-shaped face. She was curled up on their bed, reading a book intently as she idly tapped her fingers against the wall. Probably some kind of chicklit. "So…" he began.

She ignored him, and he felt his courage wilt. Tap-tappa-tap went her fingers. Tap-tappa-tap. Tap-tappa-tap.

"What're you reading?"

"A book."

"I'm going out," he said, slumping down. "Going to look to see if anyone's hiring."

Claudine just grunted at him.

"I'll be back later."

"Yeah, whatever. Be back by nine."

Her apathetic tone was almost worse than anything she could have said.



"Not right now, sorry."

"Leave your CV and we'll call you if we have any places."

"You're not what we're looking for."

"What professional qualifications do you have? None. Sorry, we're only taking on people with training."

"We need someone with five years experience."

The words piled up, one behind another, and none of them meant a damn thing. Not a damn thing. In Ormswood, everyone wanted a job and no one was hiring. Things weren't much different in the rest of the city. He walked as far as the Docks, looking for anything. The seagulls laughed at him, mocking and ugly. Maybe they were right to. There were a few signs up, but all of them were asking for references and training that he didn't have. Why would they want someone like him, when they could grab a trained electrician or someone with a four year degree?

Splatters of rain splashed down from on high, beating on his hunched shoulders. Fancy well-lit cars from out-of-towners heading to the Boardwalk and the submall zoomed by, their electric engines silent. Ned stopped off in a café to get out of the rain, and was met by the demanding gaze of the Chinese-American employee who watched him like a hawk while she served customers. Are you going to buy something, her eyes nagged? Or are you just wasting my time?

Humiliation boiled in the cauldron of his gut. Humiliation, and no small amount of rage. He could do that job! But instead it was some arrogant bitch's, who judged a man when he just was trying to avoid a rain shower. Shame only added to the heady mix. He was useless. Worthless. Jobless. Scum sponging off his girlfriend.

When he asked here, they had no vacancies either. No job for someone like him, but a job for someone like her. Ha! Women always seemed to find it easier to get jobs!

Eventually her gaze grew too much and he stepped out into the rain. The wind picked up. Overhead, an insectoid black helicopter hung in place, its blades a whirring noise in the sounds of the city. Its bulbous abdomen rotated from left to right over the city. The rumours said that those things were packed full of high tech cameras and tinkertech. Funny how despite all the money that got spent on them, they couldn't stop crime.

Ned flipped the helicopter the bird. It didn't help and it didn't really make him feel better, but it was something. Screw fancy choppers that probably cost more than he'd ever earn.

Fuck it all. He had done enough by any sane person's standards. It was drizzling and he was wet and cold. So instead of wasting any more time looking for jobs that just didn't exist – and wouldn't employ a high-school dropout like him even if they were there – he instead went off to American Ethos.

The building was half a repurposed old paper mill just on the edge of Ormswood. The other half was a neon-lit bar whose music sometimes thumped through the walls. Back in the fifties, the neighbourhood would have been where solid all-American working class people lived. Ned's parents had bought their first house here. But the eighties had killed the paper mill and the neighbourhood had withered away, only to be dragged back into half-life by Brockton Bay's housing crisis. And now a charity had occupied the old factory, turning it into a place where unemployed men hung out.

"Hi, Ned," said the guy at the front desk, looking up from his book. "You don't look great. Something up?"

"Yeah, Mike," he said, shoulders hunched. "Another day looking for work when there's nothing at all out there, and they're gonna cut off my benefits soon. Fuck."

"Shit, man, that sucks," Mike said, offering him a pen to sign himself in. "And… here're your vouchers. Get yourself something warm from the cafeteria. It'll make you feel better, at least for now. And find a radiator to dry out by. Last think you need is catching a cold on top of everything else."

"Yeah, you got that," Ned said, taking the little blue coupons offered. The four meals a week he got from this place were a godsend. Passing under the banner emblazoned 'With Thanks To Our Sponsors At Medhall' he made his way into the brightly-lit servery, which smelled of fries, cheese sauce and beans. The plastic floor stuck to his trainers.

"Hey, Ned!" someone called out. Turning, he caught sight of familiar faces. The guys were all there; Jeff, Herman, Paul, Louie – twitching and looking irritable, which probably meant he was trying to quit smoking again – and Zak.

"Man, Neddie, you look like shit," Louie said, huddled up warm in his old brown coat.

"You too, asshole," he retorted.

"I feel like shit," Louie agreed, rubbing his puffy cheeks.

Paul – rotund, ponderous, slow of speech and thought – swallowed his mouthful of Mac and Cheese. "Is it still rainin' outside?" he rumbled.

Ned glared at him. "Yeah. It is."

"Crap, I gotta walk home in this."

"We all do, buddy," Jeff said. His hair was shaven short, and his arms bulged with muscles; something he put down to using the time spent unemployed to pump iron. Runic tattoos covered his forearms. He bit into the apple in his hand with a loud crunch. "We all do," he said around the mouthful.

"Hey, close your mouth, man," Zak said, uncomfortably rubbing his plaster-cast arm. "I don't wanna stare at a mouthful of chewed up apple."

"How's the arm doing?" Ned asked.

"Still broken, and itches like fuck. You better dish 'em one for me."

"I promise," Jeff said.

Ned shook his head, glancing over towards the counter. "So I'm going to get my food. Anything good today?"

"Same as usual," Herman said wearily. He was older than the others; his pouchy face and red bulbous nose was rimmed by salt-and-pepper hair. "Wish they'd serve booze here. Better than the off-brand soda crap they give us. There's always next door, I guess."

"Guess I'll take a look, then," Ned said. "I dunno, I've been chasin' all over town for any sign of a damn job and I just want something hot."

When he returned with a plate of fries, beans and a bland breaded chicken cutlet, they'd shuffled up to make space for him. Ned sat and dug in, glad for the hot meal.

"No luck?" Zak asked kindly.

"Nope. Not a chance. They don't want me for anything." Ned gestured with his plastic fork. "What's the point? There ain't any jobs out there."

"Me, I blame the unions," Herman said. "I used to temp at the docks, but they got rid of me 'cause it was easier to go for me than any of the unioned up jackasses." He swirled his paper cup of cola. "They were all a bunch of pinkos. Maybe capital-S Socialists, too. There should be a law stopping commies from having those kinda jobs. We oughta bring in some of those union-breaking laws, like they got down South. That'd show 'em all."

Ned concentrated on his food. Herman was a good guy, but he was old and angry and no one wanted to set him off. Ned didn't want to end up like him; alone, drunk and bitter at his ex-wife who kept him away from his kids. "How's the…" he began.

"Hey, fuck you," Zak said, eyes narrowed. "My sister's only still here 'cause her union fought to keep health insurance for her."

"Some unions might be okay," Herman conceded, "but most of them are rotten to the core. Like the Dockworkers." He reached over and clasped Ned by the hand. "Just keep on survivin'," he told the younger man. "I ain't got a real future anymore, but you might be able to still make it."

"Yeah," Jeff agreed, taking another bite from his apple. "You're a great guy."

Their consolation only seemed to make things worse. "My girl has a job," Ned said, mood stormcloud-black. "What am I going to do if she meets someone else there? Someone who's richer than me and isn't going bald before he's twenty-fucking-five?"

"She might," Herman said, staring into his can of store-brand cola. "Women are like mozzies, man. All they care about is what they can take." He took a drink. "You know male mosquitos, right, they just eat plants and shit. It's only the women who drink blood. You'll never get sick from a boy mosquito 'cause he'll never bite you. Unless you're a vegetable, I guess."

"You better watch out then, Herm," Louie said, to sniggering. "'Cause all you do is vegetate."

"Hey, fuck you, man."

"Wait, is that really true about skeeters?" someone else asked.

"Yeah. Saw it on TV."

"Huh. Nature is weird, ain't it?"

"You can say it." Herman finished off his drink. "You know, back when I worked down at the docks sometimes some fishing ships would come in with all kinds of weird catches that they trawled off the bottom of the ocean. Freakiest shit I ever saw. Straight out of some kind of horror movie. And," he said, leaning in conspiratorially, "a guy I knew, he said they were getting bigger. And there were these freaky white crabs and bugs crawling over some of them. And not just over them. There were things like these fish where the bugs had eaten their eyes, right, and now were living in the sockets and…"

"Hey, I'm trying to eat here!" Ned protested.

"Yeah, really, that's sick," Louie agreed, arm bouncing up and down on the table. He forced it to be still. "Who… uh, who saw the game last weekend? I caught it on the radio and it sounded like a real nail-biter right until the brownout hit."

Jeff nodded. "I know, right? I was watching it down at All Bar None and missed the ending."

"Jesus, when are they going to fix the fucking power?" Zak complained.

"Never," Herman said bitterly. "Never ever."

"Hey, guys," Mike from the front desk said, coming over with a smile on his face. They half-turned to face him. "Good news. I just got a call from some friends and they're looking for some good guys to help with a temp job at short notice. It's just some lifting and set-up work, but they're paying for it."

"I'm listening," Ned said immediately, eyes widening, and he wasn't the only one.

"So, did you see the news today? About how they caught the guy who killed that kid at that school?"

"Yeah," Herman said. "It was some Jap illegal, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Mike said, nodding seriously. "It was."

"Fucking Japs," Louie rumbled.

"Well, there's going to be a rally downtown this evening, and my buddy wants me to look for some guys who can do some heavy lifting for the setup. You know, helping getting the signs out, handing out placards, unloading the trucks… that kinda stuff. They're paying twenty bucks for the job, which's probably an hour or two, three tops, and… listen, the guy's a good guy, so he's making a donation here and so I can throw in ten extra meal vouchers a head. 'Cause I like you and if you help out here that'll help us. So we can help you. That's how real Americans do it, right; men helping men?"

"I'm in," Ned said immediately, just before everyone else. Ten extra meals here would have been enough – twenty dollars was only the cherry on the cake.

Mike grinned. "Knew I could count on you. Listen, they'll be sending over a truck at three to pick you guys up. Oh yeah, and once you've done set-up, you also gotta be there at the rally. Don't let me down, 'kay?" He winced. "And… sorry, Zak, but they're not going to want you. You can't lift stuff."

Zak pulled a face. "I know," he said ruefully, rubbing his cast. "Bad luck, ain't it. Well, at least I'm not gonna get rained on. That's something, at least."

"Oh, I dunno," Mike said. He rummaged in his pockets. "Just 'cause you can't help out doesn't mean you shouldn't show up. The Patriots are being real helpful and they've already made a donation to help get a real presence out, you know. If you're out there, showing how angry we all are, you'll get some food vouchers."

Zak leaned back, a look of relief on his face. "Thanks, man. That's a real help. Stuff's been hard with a broken arm."

"Hey, don't thank me," Mike said. "Patriots like us should help each other out, right?"



The setting sun painted the western horizon crimson. The dark grey clouds sweeping in from the ocean were daubed in rust by the light. The holograms and neon lights of the Boardwalk seemed a long way away. Looking up, Ned shivered and pulled his hood up. He was cold, and while the light rain had stopped it looked like it was going to get heavier tonight. He wanted to get home before that. His back hurt from the time he'd spent lifting boxes around and carrying things out of the trucks, and now he'd been standing here in a high vis jacket handing out placards for what felt like an hour on top of the two that he'd been setting things up.

But he was getting paid for this. He reminded himself of this every time he felt like just going home. Twenty bucks wasn't anything to sneeze at and the food vouchers were probably worth even more.

By now, Manely Park was packed. There were more here than Ned had expected would show up when it had been raining earlier today. It wasn't just people here for the rally – there were burger vans, men pushing carts with hot dogs, and wandering sellers with pockets full of merchandise. On stage, a band was playing some forgettable pop song, keeping the crowd entertained.

Maybe that might be something he could do, Ned considered as he stood there, his feet sinking into the trampled up mud. After all, people were buying tonnes of things here. Even if it wasn't a full-time thing, the extra money couldn't hurt. Yeah! He'd just need, like, some stuff he could sell at meetings like this. Wait, but you'd probably need to sign up for something and he'd been burned by offers like that in the past. They always said that you could make money in your spare time and forgot to mention how it involved tonnes of work for almost no money once they'd taken their cut.

He shook his head. Later. "Hey, want a sign?" he asked a couple walking by. "I still got 'Send Them Home!' and 'America For Americans!'."

The man paused, and looked at his girlfriend. "Yeah," he said. "Give me the Americans one."

Ned passed it over. "Just remember to give it back to one of us helpers at the end," he said, repeating what he'd been told. "If you do that, you'll get a free badge and be helping to avoid littering."

"Yeah, whatever." The couple headed off, and Ned worked his shoulders. His shoulders were aching and his feet felt like they were swelling up. Still, it was good to be out and about and feeling useful. This was far better than wandering around constantly being turned down for jobs or sitting at home watching TV and feeling useless. And he was helping.

Really when you thought about it, it was super-impressive how fast they'd managed to get everything set up. The news'd only come out today that they'd caught the murderer and that they were some Jap illegal, but they had signs and everything all printed out and ready to give to people like him to hand out.

"Looks like it's a good turnout," Herman said, ambling up to him carrying his own set of placards. He huffed on his hands. "God, I need a drink after this. Somewhere warm."

"Yeah," Ned agreed, pulling his hands back inside his sleeves. He shuffled awkwardly. "Do you think this is going to work?"

"Hmm?"

"Well, like, there's so many people out here. But do you think anyone's listening? I mean, obviously we're listening 'cause we're here, but do you think protests like this will actually make a difference?"

"I'm thinking the right people are listening," Herman said, after some thought. "You know, the people who realise how bad things are getting. Of course, politicians up in Washington aren't listening, but they should be. 'Cause if they keep on not listening and more kids die because of them, well, it'll all be their fault. And maybe someone oughta really remind them that they're in charge to do what we tell them to. We'll get a Patriot for president – and if they try to stop that, well, they're all a bunch of traitors. We know what to do to traitors."

"Yeah," Ned said, bouncing up and down on his toes. Something struck him. "Hey, man, have you got a phone at the moment?"

"Hmm?"

"I gotta text my girlfriend and tell her that I'll be out working on this and that I'm getting paid for it. I don't want her shouting at me when I get back 'cause she didn't want me getting back to late."

"Oh, right." Herman dug in a pocket. "Yeah, go ahead. Women, eh?"

"Yeah. But thanks." He took Herman's old bashed brick, and sent her 'b back l8r got work for evening c u luv ned xxx', then handed it back. "I gotta get a new one some time. My old one died on me and just won't turn on."

Herman nodded. "I know a guy who might be able to help. I got a friend who runs a hardware store and he has cheap phones." He paused, listening up. "But not now. Sounds like the music's done and they're starting the rally proper. That means we gotta hand back the signs and the jackets."

"Oh yeah, hah, don't want them charging us for them," Ned said nervously. "Last thing I need."

By the time they'd trooped over to the central point and handed back all but one of their placards, it had started to drizzle. Despite that, the area around the stage was packed and the two men had to stand at the back with their signs. A few people seemed to be drifting off, but most of the people here had expected the weather and come prepared.

"Well, hello everyone!" the man on stage said, waving at the crowd. "It's great to see so many people here! Can I get an 'America' from all of you?"

"America!" Ned shouted, along with the roar of the crowd.

"I can't hear you! Louder!"

"America!"

"That was pretty good, pretty good. But you know what? I think you've got a little more in you. How about another time, just a little louder. Loud enough that they'll hear us in Washington DC!"

"America!"

"America, yeah! That's why we're here! That's the country we're all so proud of! And that's the country that saw a tragic murder at one of our schools. A murder that was carried out by a Japanese illegal. An illegal who shouldn't have been here, in our country! That's what we have to remember! That's why we're all here, and we're all outraged! I'm glad you all came here in the rain, to show that this can't be allowed to stand!

"But you've probably all heard enough from me. I'm just the introduction guy. So everyone, guys and gals, can you raise your hands and stomp your feet for… Purity!"

Ned's heart soared. Everyone knew Purity. She got it. She wasn't one of those rich elites like the New Wave lawyer lady who'd show up on TV and talk down to people and act like she was better than everyone else. He was already looking up, because he'd seen it before. She was one of the leading capes up in Maine who'd publicly come out for the Patriot Movement, and she always entered rallies a certain way.

Overhead, he saw the streak of bright light. People who hadn't seen it before might have thought it was a plane, but he knew better. Dropping down through the clouds, a woman with brilliant glowing white hair and eyes who shed a soft radiant aura descended in a trail of light, illuminating the crowd like she was a stadium light.

She touched down gently, almost like she was stepping down from an unseen box, and raised her hands up. The crowd roared their lungs out, Ned among them.

"My fellow patriots!" Purity called out. She had a broad Maine accent. "It's great to see you all here! It's a sign of how big your hearts are that you're willing to brave the cold and wet, just to show how we all feel! To show that we Americans are all in this together! That we're going to stand up to the threats to our country, whether they're inside or outside!

"And right now, I'm thinking there are more threats to us here inside the country. Because that's why we're all here, isn't it? A child was murdered by a Japanese illegal! An innocent child is dead because we let someone who shouldn't even have been in the country past our borders!

She gestured behind her, at the big picture of the dead boy's face which filled the back of the stage.

"A boy is dead. A sixteen year old boy is dead! His name was Justin Wells! He wanted to be a soldier! He wanted to keep his mother safe – and now she's having to bury him! He's dead, and it's all the fault of the politicians and all the bleeding heart liberals who never thought about what would happen when they opened up our borders!

"Well, they opened the floodgates, and let through a tsunami of blood and filth and crime! They don't follow our laws! They don't respect our culture! They kill our children and take our jobs!" Spreading her arms wide, Purity gestured in the direction of Little Tokyo. "There are regions of our city where the cops don't dare to go, that America has surrendered to the Japanese! Why do we let this happen? Why?"

A sullen roar rose from the crowd. Purity paused for breath.

"Now, some liberal sell-outs might say that we're just fear-mongering, that it was just one dead child; that we shouldn't get so worked up. They might even say that he 'deserved' it and it was somehow his fault that he got murdered by someone who shouldn't have even been in the country! You know what I say to that?

"Yes, I'm scared! I'm scared of what they're doing to our children! I'm scared that bits of our country aren't what they should be. I'm scared that America is being taken over from the inside!

"I joined up to fight to keep us safe with my powers. And when I came home from the army to start a family, what did I find? I found the world wasn't safe anymore! That for all that I'd fought against the enemy without, the Washington elites had stabbed us in the back and let in enemies into our streets.

"As a woman, as a mother, as an American, I'm scared of the fact that we have Japanese murderers in our schools!" She took a deep breath. "Yes, I said fear. I might have superpowers, but that doesn't help at all. Not if illegals are going to kill our children, in our schools. I'm just the same as any other mother. I'm just the same as the rest of you! My daughter is going to be going to school in a few years and I won't always be there to hold her hand or keep her safe!"

Purity paused, looking over the crowd. Her shoulders shook with suppressed emotions. Her light painted every onlooker's face in stark illumination and left the placards and flags carried by the crowd looking wan and faded. The cameras from the local press didn't need their flashes despite the twilight – Purity laid everything clear for them to record.

"And that's why I'm glad you're all here together, today. I'm glad that all of you are willing to stand up and tell them that we are not afraid, that we will not lie down and we will not let them kill our children! We will not let them take our jobs! We will not let them break our laws! You, me, everyone is here to march! A statement of American pride! A statement that we will not be cowed! Who's with me?"

Ned cheered and cheered and cheered. He wasn't alone. The hollers of the crowd bounced off the buildings surrounding the park and certainly reached as far as Little Tokyo.



American flags fluttered in the rain. Feet pounded against wet pavements as the parade marched down the streets of Little Tokyo. The sun had gone down and now sodium streetlamps painted the red in the Stars and Stripes jet black. Nervous pale faces looked out from the windows of the overcrowded neighbourhood down at on placards calling for 'JAPS GO HOME' and 'KEEP OUR SCHOOLS SAFE!'. Cops in high visibility jackets escorted the march and blue-lit cars trailed from behind.

But Ned wasn't with the main body of the march. He and Herman had met up with Jeff and Louie, and then Jeff had met up with some of his friends who were pissed about what'd happened to Zak, and now there were upwards of twenty men doing their own parallel march through Little Tokyo, overturning bins and breaking windows. Late night shops and take-out restaurants hastened to pull down their shutters as they saw them coming. Ned didn't want to be here. It was cold, it was wet, and he didn't feel safe here. This was Boomer turf, and he didn't want to cross them.

Leaving the group meant striking out on his own, though. There was safety in numbers. And he didn't want to cross some of Jeff's friends either. They were big, bulky guys with shaven heads and bodies that either came from hard manual labour or abuse of synthsteroids. He wasn't a sympathiser with the pocs, and he didn't want them thinking he was either.

With a yell, one of them slammed the baseball he was carrying into a shopfront window. The glass shattered, falling outwards into the gutter where it mingled with the rain. The burglar alarm started to scream, a siren in the night. It wasn't the only one wailing.

"Maybe we oughta get out of here," he suggested.

Jeff snorted. "Why? What're you scared of? The cops are on our side. They want these fucking criminals gone just as much as we do, yeah." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Out out out! Out out out!" he bellowed, joined by others. He kicked over a bin, and the scent of rotting garbage cut through the rain.

Ned huddled his wet jacket around himself tighter. The Boardwalk was visible through the gaps in the tightly packed buildings, and its bright neon lights and holograms floated above these dark damp sodium-lit streets. "Out out out!" he joined in, but his heart wasn't in it. He was cold, wet and miserable – and hungry, too. Dinner had been a long time ago and he'd been out in the cold since then.

The roar of motorbikes provided a bass counterpoint to the wailing of alarms. They were coming closer.

"Oh crap," Herman muttered, looking around nervously. "Boomers. Fuck. Fuck."

"Maybe they're the cops," Louie squeaked.

But the bikes turned the corner, revealing a squadron of customised motorbikes; ten in total. The riders had customised their faceplates, turning them into demonic visages that leered at onlookers. Several were carrying things that weren't quite weapons – metal baseball bats, heavy chains, or hammers. Others just cut out the middleman and prominently carried guns.

The Boumei gang members pulled up, blocking the road ahead. "You. Eagles," one of them called out in a heavily accented voice. His red demon mask was black under the streetlights. "Get the fuck out. Or we take payment our own way."

"Shit shit shit," Ned muttered, backing away. He caught Louie's eye. The other man was shaking, raindrops bouncing off him.

"There's more of us," one of Jeff's friends shouted back. "Just turn around and fuck off yourself."

"Yeah!"

"You told them!"

The Boumei bikers revved their engines together. It was obviously meant to intimidate the locals – and at least from Ned's point of view, it was damn well working. All those bikes revving in unison sounded like a great beast snarling. Herman grabbed him by the sleeve, yanking him further back, and he saw that Louie was already backing away.

"This is our turf. Our neighbourhood," the demon-masked biker said. "You show us respect here, or you die. You wanna die, Eagles? They won't find your bodies."

"Unless the fish spit you out for being too bad to eat!" one of the other bikers jeered. That one was a woman, though it was hard to tell under the leathers and her dragon-like helmet. "Then maybe you'll wash up on shore!"

Demon Mask raised his hand. "You got ten to turn tail and run, or we fuck you up for messing with our neighbourhood," he said, voice cutting through the screaming alarms. "This is under our protection. You know this is Lung's place and he tells us to make examples of anyone who crosses us. You mess with our people, you mess with the Boumei: you end up a mess under our wheels. Got it?"

Ned got it. Louie got it. Even Herman got it. But Jeff and Jeff's friends didn't get it, or didn't want to get it. They didn't back down. There were more of them than the Japanese. And the bikers weren't going to back down, either.

Demon Mask shouted something in Japanese, and the bikers revved their engines. Slowly, deliberately they advanced on the men, prepared to ride them down.

"Stick together!" Jeff yelled. "Don't fucking run! That's what they want! Eagles! Eagles! Eagles!"

His friends took up the chant together, but Ned wasn't feeling brave. They had bikes, they had weapons, and they were coming right for them. He broke and ran, and he wasn't alone.

"This way!" Louie hollered, feet splashing on the ground as he dashed for the dilapidated parking lot next to the street. The lot was poorly lit and the street lamp overhead had been shot out. Asphalt was buckled and torn, and potholes marred the surface. Ned's foot went into one of the holes and he nearly fell; his leg emerged wet to the mid-shin.

Herman was behind them, all on his own. Two bikers roared in to cut him off, herding him away from the pitted terrain of the lot like he was a sheep and they were sheepdogs. Whirling a chain over his head, a wolf-masked biker brought it down towards Herman's head. He managed to get his arms up, but even from this distance Ned could hear the snap of bones. Herman went down and the bikers peeled away, one of them running over his legs with an audible thump.

Ned could taste bile in his mouth. Wet hands felt cold metal as he vaulted a burned out car, and then he was running again, heart pounding in his throat. There, to the left was the leering Wolf Mask, whirling his chain around. It whistled in the air. The biker jinked to the left, taking a swipe and Ned ducked down to avoid the blow – a motion which turned into a slip on the slick ground.

Pain flared in his hands and knees as he slid. Scrabbling to get back to his feet despite the burns on his palms, he managed to throw himself over the hood of another car and get it between him and the biker who skidded to a stop, screaming Japanese invectives at him.

Rain and tears alike blurred his vision, and Ned gasped for breath. Keep the car between him and the biker. Yes. He had the advantage here – a bike might be faster on the flats, but it couldn't turn. He wanted to throw up. Fear gripped his stomach tight and he nearly retched. Looking around, he caught a rusty fire escape hanging down from the building behind him. It was lowered, leading up to a metal walkway lit by flickering neon signs.

Fuck. Climbing a fire escape in the middle of a rainstorm wasn't his idea of a good time, but what else could he do? He caught a glimpse of Louie's vanishing behind as the other man squeezed through a board fence on the edge of the lot. He was safe, at least, but Herman was still lying in the middle of the road curled up in a ball. The other guys were sticking together on the side of the street, clumped up around the shuttered entrance of a shop so the bikers couldn't charge them, but they weren't even looking for him.

Wolf Mask was looking at him, idly swinging the chain around. Ned couldn't see a gun on him, so maybe, just maybe…

He made a run for it. His feet splashed through pock-marked asphalt and his lungs burned. The motorbike roared behind him, accompanied by the sinister whistling of the chain. Every heartbeat he felt might be his last, might be the moment when this Boomer brought the metal down on his head and it all ended.

He slammed shoulder-first into the redbrick wall, feeling the dull ache all down the left side of his body, and grabbed for the first rung. The metal was slippery and icy cold in the rain, and with his friction-burned hands each move hurt. One rung, two rungs, three rungs, four. He screamed as his foot slipped and banged him against the wall again, but a desperate scrabble was just enough to get a foothold again and adrenaline propelled him up the last few rungs, up onto the safety of the gantry.

Rolling onto his back, Ned gasped for air as rain and tears rolled down his face. The sign above him flashed red-purple, red-purple, red-purple. The growl of the motorbike below him receded. Wolf Mask must have got bored and gone back to harass the others. Maybe he just wasn't willing to get off his bike.

Gunfire crackled in the night, and he found energy he hadn't though he had to scramble along the rain-slick metal. He swore he could hear bullets crack all around him, whizzing over his head. Someone screamed down below him, a long and agonised noise that went on for quite some time. He slammed into the railing as he turned the corner of the building and only stopped when he could no longer see the fight behind him. The gunfire was a sign that he couldn't really escape it, though.

His lungs were burning and ice-cold water ran down the back of his neck. His legs felt raw from where his soaked jeans were chafing. And he couldn't stay up here. Ned knew that. There were people moving on the other side of the wall and they'd be Japs here in Little Tokyo. He had to get out of this neighbourhood and get back somewhere safe. The Boomers were out in force and he was one guy on his own.

There was another lowered fire escape that led down into an alleyway. He took a deep breath. This would get him away from the gang fight back there. A bit of him didn't want to leave Herman, but there was nothing he could do. Not with the Boomers around. He'd just have to find a payphone once he was out of Little Tokyo and call an ambulance.

Legs shaking, hands aching, he climbed down the wet fire escape with care. The metal smelled of copper and rust, and the only light was the red and purple from the illuminated sign up above. It picked up discarded trash bags and a thick detritus of abandoned cardboard boxes, slowly rotting away. Liquid dripped down from the sodden rooftops, and things scurried and rustled in the bags.

The scent of copper was thicker down here, thick and acrid. And there was something else here – something which smelt like an overused copy machine and hot plastic.

Garbage clattered up ahead. Something that he'd thought in the gloom was a bag of rubbish straightened up and revealed itself to be a person in a witch's hat. The broad brim of the hat left their face mostly in shadow, but he thought they were wearing a green rubber mask. Had to be. And that meant he was in deep trouble. He swallowed, tasting the copper in the air, and glanced back. Could he make it back to the ladder? Another masked Boomer was waiting for him down here. No wonder Wolf Mask had let him run. "I… I d-don't want to fight," he said, voice cracking.

The witch bent down, picking up a bag that she slung on her back. And then she turned, and walked away from him, heading down the other way. A sudden wave of nausea hit him, something about the rotten smell of the alley and that metallic, acrid hint to it. His head reeled, and he sagged, leaning against the wall. His teeth ached and he could feel something squirming in his palms.

Rats burst out from the bags of garbage, keening just at the edge of hearing. They flowed over his feet in a living carpet that fled towards him. In the dim red light their eyes gleamed. Ned screamed and flailed, feeling little bodies crushed beneath his feet, and nearly overbalanced. Only a desperate grab onto a drainpipe was enough to stop him from going down into the sea of vermin. The panicked thought was enough to make his skin crawl.

Whimpering with fear, Ned cracked his an eye open. The rats were gone. The witch was still there. Staring at him, her head tilted. There was someone else with her, a larger figure in the red-lit alley. And another one – shorter, perhaps a child – with pale hair.

And then he screamed. Because he saw what the witch had been kneeling over, discarded down among the trash. It was Louie on the floor. He wasn't going to get another smoke. Not now. Not ever. Because someone had opened him up and gutted him like a fish. Everything was red and purple, with the pale of his shattered ribs spread open like some mad angel's wings.

The witch crocked her finger at him, with a come-hither gesture.

He took a step forwards.



His journey back home was an unreal patchwork of fragments. He remembered a mad flight down winding alleys to the surreal sound of Americana from the Patriotic rally. He remembered shivering on a bus, mumbling words to himself that he could barely recall even as he said them.

Ned's hands were shaking so much that he couldn't open the front door to his squalid shared apartment. In the end, Claudine let him in, her eyes widening in surprise as she saw the state he was in.

"What happened with you?" she asked.

He wetted his lips. "Trouble with… with the Boomers," he croaked. "They chased me. Ran through… through the backstreets."

She wrinkled her nose. "No wonder you stink. What were you doing?"

"Es-escorting the Patriot march. Like I was paid to." He rummaged in his pocket, and pulled out the money in his pocket. "Here."

Her eyes widened. "Ten, twenty, forty, sixty, eighty… and a dollar coin?" she asked, eyes lighting up. "Damn. That's great for a few hours work. Come on, let's get you out of those wet clothes."

Slumping down on the floor in front of the CRT, Ned peeled off his t-shirt and his drenched trousers. Hadn't he had a coat? He thought he had. Had he left it somewhere?

He groaned and rested his forehead on his knee. Fucking Boomers going after him like that. He was a mess. And Claudine hissed when she saw the cuts and the scrapes which covered him. She fetched the iodine. The pain on his cuts made him feel more here. Here. Yes, here. Where else would he be?

"What's that in your pocket?" Claudine asked.

Ned blinked. There was something in his trouser pocket. He pulled it out. It was a cheaply bound book with a brown cover, bent in half to fit. There was no author on it – only a title in black lettering.

SLAUGHTER

"I dunno," he mumbled. "I… I think I picked it up at the rally or something." He frowned, head aching. "Yeah. Something to read. For you. 'Cause you like books."

She smiled at him. "Well, that was sweet," she said, tossing it onto her side of the bed. "I'll take a look through it." She frowned. "You know what? We can have something nice. I'll go grab a take-out pizza, okay? A treat for us."

Ned stared into empty space while she fussed around, putting on her coat before heading into the rain. Slowly, his hand sought out the TV remote. He turned it on, flicking through the channels.

He settled on channel nine.



The camera was a harsh mistress. Under her white flash, every intimate part of the exposed chest cavity of the corpse was laid bare. It was just past dawn and the rain had stopped. Now the alleyway was surrounded by yellow tape and dark-suited federals with guns. The body had been found here in the aftermath of a gang fight between the Boumei and the Iron Eagles.

The Chinese-American woman squatted by the body. She reached out and touched the one intact eyeball with a gloved hand. Her shadow spasmed, flocking like dark birds for just a second. "He died from haemorrhage. By my reading, it's another organ harvesting. AB-negative blood group, rare. Possibly deliberately targeted." She paused. "I think it's her again. Number 57."

"That would match her pattern," said the older man behind her, adjusting his tinkertech glasses. His short-cropped hair was iron-grey, and paler scars criss-crossed his dark hands. "I'm seeing traces of Number 38's influence, too."

"I thought Number 38 had been sterilised. He was marked as sterilised."

"Yes. Which is concerning. See if there was anyone else here."

Pulling a crow's feather from an inside pocket, the woman wiped it in the blood and carefully examined how the quill sagged and the barbs rippled in an unseen breeze.

"I can't read it," the agent eventually said, her eyes narrowed. "The crows don't know the answer. Or someone has blinded them. Alarming. Agent Bryant?"

One of the federal agents stepped up behind her. "Ma'am? What is it that you want?" she lisped, her accent not quite native.

"Have your kin move the body back to the lab, and then quarantine and scrub down this entire alley."

"Yes, ma'am."

"First time it'll have been cleaned in years," the man said dryly. "It might draw attention."

She reached into a pocket and put on her mirrored glasses. "Mmm. Can't be helped. You handle the sterilisation of this site and make sure they blame the gangs for another death. I need to find out which cops saw the body and mark them for redaction. If necessary, of course."
 
Last edited:
Back
Top