All the Freedom in the World [Rebuild of Evangelion]

[Susano]

The command bridge of the NERV headquarters was the same professionally constrained hecticness as always during an angel attack. This was the sixth angel to attack here already; for most people it had become a strange sort of routine.

But not for Misato.

It wasn't just that she hated waiting and always had done. Ever since she had left the mental hospital all the years back, she had hated all forms of inactivity. Standing still meant death. But what was more was that she needed this – she needed the fight against the angels. These days, she felt truly fulfilled, for the first time in 15 years, now that she could strike back at those abominations.

This was her first year of being alive again. She would do her best in this fight. She wouldn't fail her father again.

With narrowed eyes she looked at the huge holographic screen that stretched in front of the various bridge levels. Evangelion Units 01 and 02 were looking up at the giant circle of helices rotating in the sky, their pilots clearly unsure what to do. Unit 00 was slowly raising again from the rubble around it. Some bridge tech or other had acted very quickly upon seeing the explosion unfold between the Unit and the angel, and had capped Mari's synch-rate at 15%, despite the lack of orders to do so. Misato hoped that he or she wouldn't get in trouble for that, given the successful outcome of the action, but she couldn't be sure – and right now she had other things to worry about.

Looking over a tech's console nearby, Misato saw that Mari's life-signs were stable, and that the pilot still was conscious, though dazed. That meant the Colonel still had three active units and three pilots to fight the angel with. Now it was on her to direct them.

"Mari is stable and will rejoin the fight once she has collected herself" she told the other two pilots. "Rei, move 60° around the angel to the right." After the girl confirmed, Misato continued: "Once she is in place, you take the angel under crossfire."

"With the pallet rifle?" Asuka growled. "When has that thing ever achieved anything in a battle?"

Misato just sighed. What's up with that girl? Asuka had always been a bit… difficult. Always gruff and abrasive, always thorny and somewhat aloof, sometimes even outright hostile. But the last few weeks had been especially bad. Asuka was moody, constantly irritated, even just angry.

Puberty, I suppose. Which made for a bad combination with the need to save the world.

Misato knew of course that the pallet rifle wasn't a particularly effective weapon. This wasn't about hurting the angel, it was about probing it – poking it with a stick. The way it just hovered over the city, gigantic and aloof, it was pretty damn unclear what could even hurt it, or what its capabilities were.

Two streams of fire met in the middle of the huge circle of light that was the angel. The depleted uranium enriched bullets seem to just go right through the helices that formed its sides. The angel just continued hovering and rotating, as if nothing could ever touch him.

Let's see if we can get its attention.

"Asuka, grab your flexisword and ready yourself," Misato ordered. "Rei, grab the bazooka. Let's see if those rockets will have any effect."

A predatory grin appeared on Misato's face. Sooner or later, they would find a way to hurt the angel; she was sure of that.

"Finally," Asuka grunted as her Unit simply left the pallet rifle fall down onto the street as if it weren't a piece of equipment worth dozens of millions of dollars. She went to pick up the flexisword. On the giant holoscreen in front of her, Misato could see the red Evangelion raising the sword high into the air, the sun reflecting on it in a shimmer. Then the titanic warmachine turned around to face the angel again.

Some moments later, Unit 01 bowed down to softly lay its own pallet rifle onto the street and pick up the bazooka… but Rei didn't even manage to turn her Evangelion up right again. In a matter of seconds, the circle in the air broke, its helices melted down to just one thick line of light again… and the head of that line darted down right at Unit 01.

Just as Unit 01 stood straight again, the angel dived right into its torso, right there where humans would have their belly.

A series of heavy grunts and panting from Rei could be heard over the comms. Unit 01 threw back its head and its arms, the bazooka falling to the ground. The angel seemed to physically enter the Evangelion, more and more of its longdrawn body diving ever further into it. Smaller lines of white, like powerful, pulsating varices, began to spread all over the Evangelion from that point of entry. Unit 01 tumbled backwards, while Rei finally managed a scream of pain… and yet ever more angel seemed to enter it, and soon the entire unit seemed to be engulfed in tumor-like varices of white light.

The four green eyes of Unit 02 were fixated on the situation, and its sword raised in offensive posture… but Asuka stopped at the strange sight in front of her. Angel and Evangelion had blended into one, and even Asuka would hesitate to attack a fellow pilot. Finally, her Unit came to life with a frustrated scream by her. The Evangelion darted forwards, its sword raised high. Asuka stroke at the snake of light that still further made its way into Unit 01…

...or tried to, anyway. Just as she brought the sword down, an octagon of orange light appeared and repelled her, pushing Unit 02 back.

"Sudden spike in AT Field strength!" Maya shouted on the bridge.

No shit… damn. Misato flinched. Rei's vital signs were getting critical, and all attempts to cap her or even cut her synchronization to Unit 01 were failing. Her groaning and panting had been reduced to only some infrequent weak sounds of pain. We're losing her…

"Rei!"

Misato was taken aback. That had been Shinji's voice over the comms. The ready room's comm systems have been activated and connected… but why? By whom? Instinctively, she swirled around and looked up to the bridge level high above her, where Commander Ikari sat behind a large desk, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki standing behind him. But Ikari was calm and silent, his face hidden behind steepled fingers.

"Asuka!" Shinji shouted. "Asuka! Whatever is happening out there, you've got to save Rei! You have to!"

In response, Asuka managed to push out between her teeth, "I'm trying, idiot! I'm trying, if only for your sake!"

And indeed, turning back around to the giant holoscreen in front of the command bridge, Misato could see Unit 02 trying again and again to hack down on the angel, the sword always stopped by orange octagons flaring up.

"Life signs of the First Child getting critical." Maya's report was calm and collected, but that was with an audible conscious effort.

It was then that the sensors picked up a high pitched scream, as if from a bat or similar. The holoscreen split its view, and on the right Misato could see Unit 00 standing again, the crumbled and ruined building front behind it, faint lines of smoke rising from it. The Evangelion's hands formed to fists held high to its sides… and its mouth was open. The sound coming out of that mouth was certainly neither mechanic nor human.

"It hurts!" Mari complained. "Goddamnit, it hurts!"

And then Unit 00 sprinted, right towards Unit 01 and the angel.

"Synch-Rate of the Third Child rising," Maya reported hastily. "But her life signs… they're erratic!"

Again, Mari screamed. Unit 00 had now reached the angel and tried to grab it with both hands. Again, orange octagons formed in front of those hands… but Mari simply pushed on. Her Evangelion's hands slowly pushed against the AT Field, through the AT Field. The machine's single red eye flared up.

"In Unit 00?" Misato heard Ritsuko mumble. "That's… is she helping her?"

Maya turned around to the head of the Research Section. "Sempai, what's up with those vital statistics? They make no sense."

Ritsuko walked over to Maya's station, put a hand on her subordinate's shoulder and looked at the terminal. Then she shook her head. "What has Europe sent us there?"

Finally, Unit 00's hands broke through the AT Field – and then they ripped it up as if it were a screen of fabric. All the while, Unit 00 laid its head in his neck and screamed again, that un-human, un-mechanical sound.

"Unit 00 shouldn't be able to do that!" Ritsuko now protested loudly.

With the AT Field shattered, Unit 00 now grabbed the thick line of light that was the angel with both hands. Smoke rose from where the hands touched the angel, and Mari screamed again. Then she announced through gritted teeth, "Reducing synch-rate."

Unit 00 began to pull, but to no avail. The angel was no longer further entering Unit 01, but it seemed to have spread over all its body already, thick white veins running all over the Evangelion, Trying to just forcefully pull it out looked silly to Misato, but she had to admit, she had no better idea about what to do, either.

With a loud battlecry from her, Asuka's Unit 02 ran towards the angel again and let its sword fall down on it. The angel glistered where it was hit, but seemed unaffected.

"Stirb, verdammt nocheinmal!" Asuka shouted. "Stirb endlich!"

While Unit 02 still stood there, sword raised in front of it, its pilot panting heavily, Unit 00's grip on the angel finally strengthened. It rose up the angel with both hands… and bit into it.

Misato was shocked. And Mari… Mari growled like a wolf over the comms and made snapping noises, as if she herself were biting into it.

Finally, Unit 00 snapped upright again, and there was something between its teeth – it had actually managed to tear off a part of the angel's substance. That material now fell down to the ground, but Unit 00's mouth remained smeared with blood. And there was more – its armour had fractured there, revealing a much broader and much more toothy mouth underneath it. Misato shuddered. It looked like a blood-stained predator's grin from the machine.

The angel was definitely hurt. It snapped back and forth while red blood positively poured out of its wound, splashing onto the street below it. It contracted violently, pulling its appendages out of Unit 01. Rei screamed through the whole process, a high-pitched sound Misato had never heard from the girl before. Unit 01 collapsed on the spot after the angel had left it.

"Pilot of Unit 01 unconscious!" Maya reported in a curt voice.

The cyclopean head of Unit 00 lunged forward again, to tear off another bit of angel flesh, but the enemy reacted immediately, wrapping its appendages around the Evangelion and contracting around it. Now Mari was groaning.

"Leave her alone!" Asuka shouted. All the while the angel had shook erratically she had backed off, step by step, keeping Unit 02's four green eyes fixated on the enemy and holding the sword in front of her.

Now, some dozen metres away from the angel, she was raising that weapon with both of her Evangelion's hands – and there, its tiny red gears set in motion, moved the parts, crawled all over the object, found new spots. It really is eerily reminiscent of the angel Ritsuko took the concept from.

...and finally, Asuka was holding up a scythe.

Slowly but surely, Unit 02 set into motion, falling into a speeding up gallop towards Unit 00 and the angel. Cars parked along the street shook as megaton heavy steel feet punched the ground next to them. Asuka held her Evangelion's head in front, while the scythe trailed behind, ready to strike.

"Pilot of 01 conscious again," Maya reported. Misato hardly noticed it. "She is recovering."

"Vital signs stable," another bridge tech added.

Misato was entirely focused on the scene on the gigantic holographic screen in front of her. "Asuka..." she commented through gritted teeth. She didn't dare disturb the girl, not now. Now she could only watch and hope. Unit 00 and the angel were an inseparable mess by now, and Asuka clearly intended to strike at it. Be careful about Mari…

Just as Unit 01 slowly rose from the ground again, Asuka's red Evangelion was now in a full run. The German girl screamed a martial "Kyaaa..." – and then stopped. The street's asphalt in front of her feet broke, forming a small heap of dirt in front of them. Unit 02 came to a perfect halt – and the scythe swung forward. Misato sucked in her breath…

...the strike hit perfectly. It sliced along the angel without even so much as touching Unit 00 'underneath' it. An inhumane shriek filled the air. Then the angel tightened once more around Unit 00… and escaped into the air. Unit 00 fell to its knees.

Misato breathed out. She hadn't even noticed that she had stopped breathing. She looked around to assess the situation. Unit 01 was standing again, but looked weak on its knees. Unit 00 was downed. And that damned angel, that Adam spawn, began hovering above the city in a circle again. The part where Mari had bitten into it still occasionally lost blood.

"Vital signs of First and Third Child stable but weak," Maya summarized the situation. "Mental signs of Third Child fluctuating all over the place. Unknown if Unit 01 is damaged. Units 00 and Unit 02 as well as Second Child unharmed."

"Mari?" Misato asked. "Mari, are you there?"

There was no response. Just a frequent panting and eerie mumbling could be heard over the comms now and then.

"Pilot of Unit 00 unresponsive," Maya stated glumly.

What happened there? Things looked grim. Mari had successfully freed Rei from the angel, but it seemed the action had rendered herself combat incapable. That leaves Asuka and Rei. We need to be more careful. We should…

"Withdraw Unit 01 from the battle."

Misato turned around on the spot and looked up to the command deck. In a rare moment, Comander Ikari had intervened in the battle. His voice was as eerily calm as always.

"Sir!" Misato protested. "Unit 00 is unresponsive. It won't be part of the fight. Withdrawing Unit 01 would leave A… the pilot of Unit 02 alone on the field!"

"We are aware, Colonel," Vice Commander Fuyutsuki replied in Ikari's place.

Misato balled her hands into fists, then turned around. "Unit 01, withdraw to the nearest Geofront entrance," she relayed the order in a grave voice.

---

"Unit 01, withdraw to the nearest Geofront entrance."

What?

Asuka couldn't believe her ears. Misato was withdrawing the only other still functional unit from the field?

They're leaving me out here all alone. They're sending me alone against that monster. She sneered, thumbed the ground with her scythe, grabbed it with both hands and held it in front of her. Very well then. I'll destroy that angel alone. I'll show them! I need nobody else.

They were all terrible anyway. Treating her like a little child, expecting her to fight without giving her any attention at all, leaving her alone on the battlefield now. It was thus even better if none of them were around. She would destroy the angel all on her own.

Then I will have saved them! Then they will have to take me serious!

It still galled her that it wasn't her pushing forth on her own, but her being left alone by people who didn't seem to care a dint about her. She grimaced and had her Evangelion step forwards.

"Come on then, coward!" she yelled at the angel. "Show me what you got!"

For a moment, the city lay entirely still. Unit 02 stood on the ground, the scythe in its right hand, its torso pushed forwards, daring the angel to come. Meanwhile, the angel just hovered over the city, a circle of helices again, as if nothing in the world could touch it. There was no other movement anywhere.

Then, slowly, deliberately, the circle lowered itself towards the ground – the majestic descent of an inviolable being.

Asuka didn't care for majesty. Her red Evangelion jumped forwards in a big leap and struck with the scythe.

…the helices dissolved. The angel wrapped itself around the scythe, crawled alongside it, and reached Unit 02… and then it entered Unit 02.

At first, it merely felt like a needle entering Asuka's wrist. Then it felt like something bigger pushing onto it, but it still was okay – but then, suddenly, Asuka could feel something entering her arm, crawling all the way up to her shoulders. Synch-feedback… She tried to find the lever for reducing the synch-rate. She raised her arm…

… and saw it covered in bulbous veins.

"Angel spreading within Unit 02." That was Maya's voice on the comms, but Asuka barely noticed it. She kept staring at her hands now.

"Just like with Unit 00," Ritsuko hissed. "How can we defeat that thing? What tools do we even have?"

Tools…

And then there was another push, right into Asuka's chest. She emitted a short, loud scream. Gottverdammt, what is this?

Images flashed in front of her eyes – Misato ordering her to live with Shinji, a coach yelling at her, being pushed out of a plane in her EVA, her walking away from Misato's 'celebrations', the first test of the plugsuit's defibrillation function, the fight against Sahaquiel, her running in the training hall until she nearly vomitted, crying in her bed when she was five, school break with gossipping airheads all around her…

Again, Asuka looked at her hands. They had changed. There were now gaping holes inside them. She began to pant heavily.

And there was more. That… that thing, it wasn't just in her body. Its greedy tentacles were now also entering her mind, sifting through it. No, no, no, no… Asuka began to panic. That was not something she was willing to let anybody see, human or angel. There was just too much… too much… there was just too much in there.

"No! Get out! Get out get out get out!" she screamed, holding her head. "Raus hier!"

She wasn't even aware anymore, but outside her entryplug, Unit 02 was doing the same gesture, and an inhumane groan could be heard from it.

"Asuka! Asuka, listen to me!"

That was Misato's voice, determined, self-secure and business-like like she always was on duty. Something to hang on to.

"Asuka! Calm down! Breath in, breath out! The angel is trying to overwhelm you, but you can fight it!"

Yes. That sounded… that sounded right. She needed to calm down. She had received training. She could do this. She had… the… training…

The synchtest wasn't supposed to be like that. She has to undress, whether she wants to or not. Nobody cares about her discomfort, her burning humiliation. Battle simulations. They hurt. They have to hurt so she doesn't get the wrong instincts. She dislikes that. She wants to go home. But this is the third simulation this day already. It's because she skipped the last synchtest. A coach, red faced and square faced with stubble bowing down to her and yelling at her. Again. She can't meet with friends, because she has synchtests again. Soon, she doesn't have friends anymore.

But soon, soon it will pay off. She is special. Everybody says so. She believes it. And in Japan, in Japan she will be able to show it. In Japan, they will respect her.

"Asuka! Focus! Focus on my voice."

Again, Asuka raised her hands. They were shaking… and still, the bloody gaps right in the middle.

Misato all cheerful after the battle. "The operation was a success! The angel is dead, without any damage to the city. Everything has ended well." Asuka's hands hurt.

"Asuka..."

Tears well up in her eyes. She swats at the little holographic screen at her side showing the Operation Director's face. It goes away, and now there is no voice anymore.

There will be no help from Misato. There would never have been any help from Misato. Misato is part of the problem.

Asuka shakes. She still feels the angel inside her, everywhere inside her, veins in her arms pulsating, new veins pushing towards the neck and the stomach. She hates it. She doesn't know what to do. She can't get help from outside, but she also can't end this on her own. She is stuck in her entry-plug, unable to control her Evangelion.

All her hopes. All that has carried her throughout ten years of her life. All for nothing. She still feels the angel moving inside her body, sullying it, destroying the last barrier of her sanctum, her own body, but that isn't even the worst.

"What do I do..." she asks herself in a shaky voice. A beat. Then, "Who am I?"

Asuka groans. The veins, the angle's tentacles, have reached her face. There is something along her cheek bones…

She feels it. The hand freezes in place. It shakes. Hastily, she pulls off the glove and feels again. It's a strong cheekbone now, as befitting to a square face. And there is stubble there.

"What… what are you doing with me? Stop! Stop! Stop this!"

A holographic window pops up in front of her. It shows her face, like a mirror, but it's… changing. The face becomes broader, more hardline. The stubble spreads.

"My body! Leave my body alone! It's my body!"

It's a violation. The angel takes her body, and forms it according to his wishes – according to her nightmares, which by now it knows pretty well.

"I'm not him! I'm Asuka! Asuka Shikinami-Langley! You can't… you can't…"

The face now looking at Asuka is well known to her, but it isn't hers. Not truly. And yet, the holographic screen shows her face.

"No! That's not me that's not me that's not me that's not me…"

A dark, cramped room. Lying on a futon, somebody at her back. "I'm still an EVA pilot. That's still who I am. Someone better."

"I… I am… I need to…" But in truth, Asuka doesn't know anymore what she wants or who she is. Probably hasn't known that ever since she had come to Japan, that battle at the latest.

Another groan. Something is happening to her shoulders. It wanders down her arms. She almost doesn't dare look, but she also can't look away. Slowly, with dread in her mind, she raises her left arm. It is transforming. Her flesh is taking on new forms right in front of her eyes. They are becoming… boxier. Also square. Like… Like EVA armour.

She closes her eyes and grits her teeth. That's all I am.

"What tools do we even have?"

So why shouldn't the angel violate her, body and mind? It was only bringing forth what has been the truth all along. She has never been Asuka Shikinami-Langley, renowned elite pilot. She has always been just a tool for NERV's convenience. Misato's bread ticket. Misato got the accolades, Asuka was just expected to function. A tool. They needed the right people to pilot the Evangelions, and from that moment on they weren't people anymore.

Misato, Ritsuko, even that Maya girl… They all just wanted to do their jobs. And for that, they needed Asuka. Asuka was just a way for them to fulfill their jobs.

I'm just a tool and the angel knows it. This is nothing more but the truth.

---

Shinji Ikari was a mess.

The ready room was nice enough, with couches, tables, even potted plants in the corners. But he had been sitting here all alone during the entire fight and been forced to listen to it. Not that he could have turned away. Mari, Asuka, Rei… They were out there, fighting for him, protecting his worthless self. Rei piloted so that he didn't have to.

And what had that brought her?

As Shinji had listened to her groans of pains, finally even her screams of pain, a sound he had never heard before from the girl, he had grown more and more desperate. Just sitting here, hearing her pain from the distance, unable to do anything but knowing it was all his fault, that Unit 01 should have been his unit, but also unable to do anything about that right now… it was just too much. Shinji sat on the couch, the communication unit on the table in front of him, curled together, his arms thrown over his head, shaking back and forth, tears running down his cheeks – and he hated himself.

"Unit 01, withdraw to the nearest Geofront entrance."

Shinji was so lost in his self-pity and despair that it took almost half a minute until he realized what he had just heard. He cautiously unfurled from his position, unsure if Misato had really just ordered Rei off the battlefield – but then he heard technicians confirming the arrival of Unit 01 at an elevator.

Shinji jumped up. It made no sense. He had heard how Maya had pronounced Mari unresponsive. Why would they leave Asuka alone on the field. And yet…

...without even thinking further, Shinji began running to the EVA cages. He had to see Rei. He just had to.

He didn't really have any authorization to enter them, to be there when Unit 01 was recovered, but people didn't know that. He was the reserve pilot, so it made sense he would come rushing to the EVA cages. Thus, he saw a lifting platform that had been positioned right next to Unit 01, how it was raised to the entry plug, how Rei managed to get onto it with weak steps, and how the platform was lowered again. Immediately, he rushed forwards, pushing through the waiting medical team… and then hesitated.

After all, he was behaving selfish. He had only cared about that he needed to see Rei was alright, not what she needed. And she had gone through this ordeal only because of him, because he wasn't piloting Unit 01 anymore.

He had stopped halfway between the platform, which now reached ground level, and the medical team, and was about to turn away again with hanging shoulders when he head a soft "Ikari… Sh-Shinji."

He stopped and looked over his shoulder. Rei came walking up to him, slowly, exhausted, the pains she had just gone through visible every bit on her. Shinji was just about to turn around to her, when she basically fell against him, holding on to him tightly and desperately.

"Aya…" Shinji stopped and just laid her arms around her. She laid her head on his shoulder, almost burying it against his neck.

Shinji didn't understand. He didn't understand why she wasn't hating him, why she even had sought him out. And part of him was still very much aware of all the people around him. But it didn't matter. For what reason ever, Rei seemed to need this. She was still clinging tightly around him, like a shipwrecked person to a flotsam. And that was all that mattered: If Rei needed this, he would provide it.

He could smell the LCL in her soaked hair, that unpleasant smell of blood, and her plugsuit was all slippery. And yet… Rei's head, that face of grace and alost celestial tranquility, was now directly next to his. Her lithe body was pressed against his. It was… good. Shinji didn't think he deserved this, but as long as Rei wanted him to be here, he would be here.

"Rei. Follow the medical team. We will need to have you thoroughly checked for signs of contamination."

Shinji tensed, even with Rei still in his arms. That voice came crashing into his contentedness, destroying the blessed silence of companionship: The voice of his father.

Almost immediately, Rei took a step back, leaving Shinji's embrace. Both looked up from where the voice had come: Commander Ikari was standing on an elevated balcony, the backside of his command deck on the bridge – the very same place where Shinji had first seen him again after several years, the very same place from which he had told Shinji to go out and suffer, or Rei would have to do it again.

"Yes, sir," Rei said softly and turned around in order to join the medical team.

Frustration and a feeling of helplessness rose in Shinji. Even now, Rei was simply following his father's command instantly, without question, whereas he… he balled his hands into fists.

"Father!" he called up to the balcony.

The Commander had already turned around to leave, but now stopped, his back to his son.

"What about Asuka?" Shinji shouted. "She is alone on the field now, isn't she?"

Gendo turned around again. From that distance, his facial expression was indeterminable, but Shinji could see light reflecting off his glasses. "Yes," he answered. "Unit 02 and its pilot are currently under attack."

A feeling now spread in Shinji's guts, cold and hard and terrifying. For a moment, he was too overwhelmed to say anything. He didn't want to do this, he was horrified, he didn't want to do this…

"...let me out there!" he shouted up to his father. "I am the reserve pilot, am I not? Let me take Unit 01 in Ayanami's stead!"

It was a terrible prospect, to go out and fight again, to surely suffer again and dread death… but… he couldn't leave Asuka out there. Damn the world and its expectations, damn the people around whom he had always defended and who had never said a single word of thanks or praise, damn them all – but Asuka, Asuka was in the same boat. She suffered the same as he had, the fights and the orders and the people who all didn't care… In fact, she was only out there because of that. Because of the same things that had happened to him.

Whatever it took, he couldn't leave her alone, and if it would destroy his mind for good.

"No."

Shinji was taken aback. He didn't understand. For once, he had offered to pilot and yet…

"I will not send Unit 01 out again," his father continued. "And you… you need to learn this lesson. You will see the consequences of your decisions."

He pushed his glasses up his nose. Shinji couldn't be sure, not at this distance, but he thought his father was grinning. Then he turned around and entered the command deck again.

Shinji was dumbfounded. A wave of relief washed over him, and it sickened him. At the same time, he felt powerless and guilty. Asuka was out there, fighting alone, because he… no. They left her alone. That was why he had wanted to help, after all, because she was in the same boat as him. It showed again now. But regardless, Asuka was all alone, and Shinji didn't know what to…

...he stopped his thoughts. Asuka is all alone… no. No! He turned on the spot and ran back to the ready room.

I will not let her be alone!

Shinji almost ran the door to the ready room through and left it behind himself open. It didn't matter. Only the device on the table in front of him did: The comm unit. He didn't know why they had placed it here, but now that it was, he could try to use it.

"Pilot of Unit 02 still unresponsive."

"Destrudo rising exponentially!"

"Unit 02's system unresponsive."

"Foreign element in Unit 02 at 54% integration with the Unit."

Shinji didn't care about the bridge techs' chatter. Instead, he knelt in front of the comm unit, trying to find the input area, and shouted, "Asuka! Asuka, can you hear me?"

There was no response.

"Asuka! I know you're out there! It's me, Shinji. Just…" He didn't know what to say. Then he breathed out. "You are not alone, Asuka." Yes. That was what Shinji had wanted to communicate. He got bolder. Damn them all! "Do you hear? You are not alone. I will not let you be!"

---

Asuka felt disgusted.

She watched as the very flesh on her stomach turned, formed grotesque little faces, opened up gaping holes barely covered by remaining stretches of skin and plugsuit. It wasn't even just the gore of it all. This was her body, being mangled and shaped and reformed by the whims of an alien power. She was reshaped by outside whims.

She was being despoiled.

She hated it. She loathed it. She hated herself for what was being done to her. But at the same time, she accepted it. After all, this was nothing new; it was just more blatant. But people had always taken her and reshaped her according to their needs, hadn't they? Had touched her, had commanded her, had never accepted a no, had changed the very way she thinks.

This was nothing new.

So she accepted it. Why would she start resisting now? That was all she had ever known, to go along with what people told her, to make it a matter of pride for herself even. She felt like she didn't have a right to resist now. It would have been… hypocritical. She was disgusted by what was done to her, terrified, too sick to properly express – but that was nothing new, either.

I'm loathsome. No, there was more. There is no 'I'. There has never been.

Her cheeks began burning up. "Arrr..."

She didn't need to raise her hand and feel it. She knew what she would look like now.

An elevator in the NERV headquarters. "You're also doing everything they order you to."

Asuka had no energy left anymore to fight back tears. No… I'm not like that… I can't be… I… I have to be someone, surely?

She began panting heavily as the realization dawned on her, that she wasn't someone, that she had always just been a tool, that she hence had no right to complain, that Rei was the same but had just all figured it out sooner, that…

"Asuka! I know you're out there! It's me, Shinji."

She would always be just a tool. Not a person with wants or needs, with preferences and disdains, just…

"Just…" A clearly audible breath. "You are not alone, Asuka."

She blinked. Now she realized that somebody was speaking to her over the comm system.

He was speaking with more certainty now: "Do you hear? You are not alone. I will not let you be!"

Shinji!

She didn't know what to reply. Didn't even know what to call her situation, didn't know what to tell him, didn't know if he could even help her. But it was Shinji. He had come through to her before already. So she tried gathering her thoughts.

"The angel… it's inside me. Inside my body, inside my mind. It's violating me! I'm… I'm just his tool..."

Silence.

Then a shout. "Fight it, Asuka! Fight it! I know you can! You… You're…"

"Nothing…" Asuka whispered.

A sound like something had been hit or punched. "Not true! Asuka, I… I know we never fought side by side, but… even as a flatmate, I kinda liked your presence…"

As a flatmate?

That was… new.

Another memory, but this time – this time it was her own.

A boy holding her wrist. "What they're doing to you, Asuka, it's all very fucked up. You deserve better. And I… look. I care about you whether you pilot or not, alright?"

"Kensuke..." she whispered. Yes. Kensuke would see her as Asuka, not as pilot of Unit 02, right? He had to. He just had to.

And maybe Shinji as well. She had those two. Shinji, who would support her and Kensuke, who… liked her. Her flatmate who had gone through the same shit, and her, ah, good friend. And that was enough, wasn't it? To hell with Misato. To hell with her former coaches and guardians and what they wanted of her. To hell with NERV. To hell with Tokyo-3. She didn't need any of those.

"I am Asuka Shikinami-Langley!" she yelled. "And I want to liiive!"

She raised both her arms in front of her. They looked just like Evangelion arms now, but the flesh there was still moving and crawling. There was disgust in Asuka, but now also anger about that disgust. That was not her. That was what they wanted her to be, but she had Kensuke, and she had Shinji, and to hell with everybody else.

The flesh moved. The arms began to become less bulky.

"Asuka? Are you there?" That was Misato. Communication to her seemed to have been restored again. "Asuka, you need to..."

"No!" she cut her off. "You can go to hell!"

"Asuka…" Misato sounded shocked.

"This is me!" Asuka exclaimed. "My body! My life! I rule! I… arrrrgh!"

Her arms began to move, and not by her doing. She tried to control them, tried to move in the opposite direction, but it didn't help: Slowly and shakily but surely, Asuka's own hands came ever closer to her throat.

"No..." she whispered.

"Unit 02 moving!"

"Movements not in synch with pilot's mental signs."

"Unit 02 contaminated!"

Asuka tried to resist that, tried to resist her own arms and the Evangelion of which she was supposed to be in control.

"My life!"

But right now, she had to struggle for control over even just her own body.

"Unit 02 moving towards Geofront entrance!"

"The angel wants to use the Unit to intrude into the Geofront…" That was Ritsuko.

"Then we have to stop it, by any means necessary." Misato, voice cold and hard as stone.

"How? Unit 00 is still unresponsive and Unit 01…"

"We don't have a choice anymore, and neither does the Commander!"

With all of her energy, Asuka tried to turn the Evangelion around, but it didn't work. She sat on her seat in the entry plug and wiggled, trying to even just keep her own hands away from her throats.

And now that I am no longer of use to them, they'll 'stop me'…

"Damn you, Misato! Damn you all!" she screamed.

---

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, Shinji was constantly aware of the smell of blood around him. He hated it. He hated being here. Now he was back inside the entry-plug of Unit 01 as if nothing had happened, as if all his protests and decisions had been meaningless. Now he would suffer and feel dread again.

He had asked for this. He couldn't leave Asuka alone. He still stood by that. But he also still hated it.

Thus he didn't answer when the bridge asked if Unit 01 was ready for launch, but just kept quiet sullenly. They only send me out because Unit 02 has become a thread to them. When it had been just about Asuka, nobody had cared.

The launch pad accelerated upwards. Shinji hated that part as well. It was a very uncomfortable feeling – one of many that were associated with piloting, but which nobody had ever bothered to acknowledge.

Most of all, it was just another reminder that he was indeed back to piloting an Evangelion unit. That he hated most of all.

Unit 01 launched high above the skyline of Tokyo-3 and landed gracefully one one knee. Then it stood up again and looked around. There! In some 300-400m distance, several street blocs away, Shinji could spot the giant, hulking form of Unit 02. The red Evangelion moved erratically – stepping forwards, stopping, swaying sideways, lurching forwards again. Left and right it stepped into buildings, which easily crumbled under its giant mass, ejecting dirt and clouds of dust into the air.

And over and over, the Unit was covered in bulbous veins.

What happened to it? What happened to Asuka? What have they made her face?

"Shinji." That was Misato's voice, now all professional and sharp. "Can you hear me?"

Shinji frowned, but then replied with a simple, unenthusiastic "I can hear you."

"Our first priority is preventing Unit 02 from gaining entrance into the Geofront," Misato told him. "You know what is at stake. Unit 02 may not be allowed to enter any entrance paths to the Geofront. If need be, it must be stopped… by any means necessary."

Shinji turned his head, as if he could look away from what Misato was saying. There was no empathy in her voice for Asuka, just military hardness, as always during sorties. What do they expect me to do? Kill her?

"Draw your prog-knife and approach," Misato ordered him. "But do so slowly and carefully!"

Grudgingly, Shinji followed the order. Prog-knife in hand, slightly bent forwards, Unit 01 came closer to its fellow Evangelion.

Unit 02 was still struggling. It staggered like a drunkard, and at one point raised its head to the sky, like a silent scream to the heavens. Asuka is inside there… Shinji knew he should stay alert, should ready himself to oppose that Evangelion, but what he felt was pity instead, empathy for Asuka.

Finally, Unit 01 was just down the road from its red counterpart.

"Keep your distance!" Misato ordered. "We're dealing with an infection style angel here. Do not, under any circumstances, touch Unit 02. We cannot risk Unit 01 getting infected… again! Just stay there and observe. Do not engage until absolutely necessary!"

Again, Shinji frowned. It was easy for Misato to give such orders, from the safety of the subterranean bridge. But it wasn't like he would have further advanced anyway. He wanted to help Asuka, somehow, not attack her.

Just then, Unit 02 fell to its knees. It slowly rose again, but not smoothly. It stood up in bursts and flare-ups of movement, shakily wobbling, its flailing hands punching down the front side of a building.

"Asuka!" Shinji cried out. Unit 01 took a step forward and stretched a hand out… but then Shinji stopped. He wouldn't know what to do anyway.

"Ich kann nicht mehr…" That was Asuka. She sounded weak, exhausted, defeated. "I can't… I can't fight anymore. That thing… it'll kill me. Kill us all."

Unit 02 came staggering towards Shinji. Mindful of his orders, no matter how resentful he felt about them, Shinji stepped back. Just as Unit 02 came lurching towards it, Unit 01 walked away backwards from it.

"I can't stop it…" he heard Asuka whisper over the comms.

"You can!" Shinji insisted. "You've shown so much strength…"

"I'll always only be a tool," Asuka retorted weakly.

"No!" Shinji shouted. "You're… you're… damnit! Asuka, you're you! Get out of this, and you can be whatever you want!"

"Too late..." Asuka whispered hoarsely – and then, Unit 02 collapsed on the spot. Shinji could hear a pained groan from Asuka, but nothing further came. Unit 02 kept twitching a bit, but remained broken down on the street.

"Asuka!" Immediately, Shinji had Unit 01 leap two large steps forward.

"Shinji, stop!" Misato ordered sharply. "Do not come in contact with Unit 02!"

Resentfulness began to build up in Shinji, but he followed the order. Unit 01 came to a halt. "But Asuka…"

"We're analyzing the situation," Misato told him. "We'll find a way to help her. But we can't risk another unit getting infected."

Unit 02 was a barely moving heap on the ground. For a moment, Unit 01 just stood there, a hundred metres or so away, looking at its counterpart. Then Shinji thought he heard something on the comms. Not speech, but it did sound like Asuka.

Slowly, carefully, he walked some steps forward, always ready to jump back if need be, and only stopped less than an Evangelion's length away from the red Evangelion. He stretched out Unit 01's hand, but again stopped. He did not dare touch the infected Unit. The moment seemed to stretch into eternity, Unit 01's hand just a dozen metres or so away from Unit 02. Then the sound Shinji heard got stronger.

It was sobbing.

"Asuka…" Shinji whispered.

"The angel seems to be inert for the matter being, but we are still getting Pattern Blue signals," Misato reported. "We're currently trying to find a way to cleanse Unit 02 of the infection. Stay guard there, Shinji, in case anything changes."

But all that Shinji could see or hear were Asuka's lonely sobs over the comm system. EVA-01's hand was still stretched out, still just hovering slightly over the shoulder of its red counterpart.

"Do not touch Unit 02," Misato reminded him again.

Shinji hesitated…

...and then heard another strong sob from Asuka.

I'm leaving her alone… all alone…

That was his order, and it was for a good reason. And yet…

…Unit 01's massive purple hand slowly, softly descended onto Unit 02. Shinji's Evangelion knelt down behind its red counterpart, and laid both its hands on its shoulders.

"I'm here, Asuka," Shinji simply announced. And to hell with what they think. They should be grateful we're piloting for them at all.

"Shinji!" Misato protested. "Get away from there!" It sounded actually fearful. Shinji ignored it.

Asuka sounded more surprised than anything else. "Shinji… but you… the angel will infect you as well!"

Shinji's face darkened. "Either we come out of this together… or not at all. I won't just… I can't just leave you alone."

Unit 01 now embraced Unit 02 from behind, the giant purple head leaning itself against the immense red back. For a while, there was quiet…

Then Shinji groaned. It felt like something had hit him.

"Pattern Blue confirmed inide Unit 01!"

"Infection has begun!"

"Angel infection spreading from Unit 02 to Unit 01 along the vectors of touch."

"Shinji!" Asuka cried out. "No! Not to help me!"

Shinji felt something pushing into his shoulders, than into his arms, into his torso… it was painful, yes, but it was also alien and disgusting and unlike anything else he had ever felt. He closed his eyes and concentrated, imagined pushing along his arms against the infestations, tried to end all thought, so that his mind and ultimately his body would be closed off – but to no avail.

"No!"

That was Asuka. And with a rocking motion, Unit 02 came alive again. One giant foot of the red Evangelion stamped onto the ground again, making it quake. Unit 02 was now down on one knee, held by Unit 01 from behind. And slowly, very slowly and struggling, it began to rise again. Dust from the nearby collapsed building was shaken off its back and shoulders, and Unit 01 pushed upwards alongside it.

"Shinji!"

Unit 02 turned around, now standing face to face with its purple counterpart. However, it was plain that this was costing Asuka all the energy she still had. She groaned and strained herself to keep her machine up. Finally, Unit 02's knees got weak. It would have collapsed again…

…but Unit 01 caught it, grabbing it below its shoulders.

"Got… you…" Shinji managed to press forth from behind gritted teeth.

It still hurt. Shinji could still feel the infestation spreading in him. His arms were already covered in the same bulbous veins that also covered Unit 02 and Asuka all over. But it didn't matter. He wouldn't leave Asuka alone. That was what they would do – that was what they had done in fact: NERV and his father and Misato and just about everyone. All those people who had never cared an inch about how he or Asuka had defended and saved their very lives several times over.

So they could get lost. Everybody could get lost. He would help Asuka, no matter what. No matter the consequences.

Unit 01 pulled Unit 02 into an embrace again. The two giant war machines, megatons of steel, armour and weaponry looming over all buildings, stood there, facing each other, in each other's arms, its two titanic heads side by side. They were both infected now, but Shinji thought that better than to leave Asuka alone in her suffering.

Something the redhead realized. "Idiot…" she whispered.

And suddenly, the pressure on Shinji's stomach… lessened. The pressure in his arms withdrew.

A surprised "Shinji!" came over the comms from Asuka.

Shinji couldn't see it, but outside, the giant veins on both Evangelions retreated as well. It looked like they were crawling backwards to their point of origin.

"Pattern Blue lessening!"

"Enemy integration with Unit 02 down to 40% and further falling!"

"Harmonous convergence of the AT Fields of Units 01 and 02."

"The angel… it's trapped!"

"Enemy integration with Unit 02 down to 20% and falling! No Pattern Blue sign on Unit 01 anymore!"

"Vital signs of the pilot of Unit 02 stable!"

And as the two Evangelions stood there in harmony between the gravely damaged buildings of the city, a magnificent rainbow materialized in the sky above them.

---

"Units 01 and 02, the angel has been defeated. Return to base immediately for debriefing."

"What about M…"

"You have your orders, Shinji."

That had shut the boy up. Misato had sounded harsh and icy cold. So, the two Evangelions disentangled. A small, awkward pause ensued, neither Shinji nor Asuka knowing how to deal with the emotional scene that had just happened. Finally, Unit 02 just turned around and began trotting towards the nearest Geofront entrance. Leaving the collapsed Unit 00 at the wayside, as per Misato's orders, Shinji had his own Evangelion follow it.

Both Units were lowered down to the Geofront in neighbouring shafts, but neither Asuka nor Shinji said anything. In fact, the quiet was somewhat eerie. One would have thought that after managing to break through to Asuka in such a dramatic fashion, Shinji would also have been able to break through the silence, but the truth was that he was still feeling very awkward, especially because of what just had happened. What do you say to somebody after such an experience?

Asuka had allowed the opening of a visual channel between the two Units, but wasn't using it. Shinji could see her, though: Sitting in her entry plug, mute, bent forward, shoulders hanging down, as was the hair obscuring her face. It looked… gloomy. Eerie. Shinji tried finding the right words, at one point even breathed in to speak, but… it was as if his tongue were tied. He had always felt so powerful in an EVA, but now, on their return, he was just the little boy again who didn't know what to do – and he felt disgust at himself for that.

There was also Misato. Shinji was aware that he had violated a direct order, and Misato sounded rather serious about that – angry, even. That made him sneer in resentment. We defeated the angel, did we not? What more does she want? But it had always been like that. She and all of NERV only wanted the pilots to function as they were ordered to. That thought didn't exactly help with making Shinji more talkative.

And Asuka, by the time their Units had arrived in the EVA cages, looked completely shut off to the world.

Outside, people were already waiting. Asuka could leave the entry plug on her own, climbing down the ladder from the entry plug with hanging shoulders and hanging head. Even on the ground she was only looking down, a curtain of yellow hair obscuring her face to all sides.

Shinji looked towards her, but before he could say a thing, Misato stepped forth from the waiting medical team. Two men in the black business suits of Section 2 followed her – broad-shouldered gorillas with blank faces covered in shades.

"Asuka." Her voice sounded measured and calculated. "Since you have been in contact with the angel for several minutes, we cannot be sure that you are free from contamination. We have to put you in quarantine. Follow the medical team and do not touch anything."

The girl just stood there, motionlessly. Shinji balled his hands into fist. That was all Misato had to tell her? Finally, Asuka began trotting forwards, head still held low, and was eventually surrounded to all sides by people in white hazmat suits – impersonal workers that might as well have been robots.

Shinji wanted to call out to her, but Misato moved herself between him and the departing group. "You'll follow me, Shinji."

The boy furrowed his brows. "Follow you?"

"Yes. That's an order."

Shinji jerked his head to its side. And that's why she has brought the Section 2 thugs along, I suppose. He knew there was no way he could resist this, so he just began walking in resentful silence.

Misato, Shinji and the Section 2 agents followed Asuka and the medical team outide. Shinji now held his view downwards as well. Even when we defeat angels, we just get scolded further. Who voluntarily gets themselves in a position where they'll just get berated anyway and nothing else?

He was shaken out of his melancholy just outside the EVA cages, but not in a good way. While Asuka walked by them without even taking notice, Shinji did a double take when he saw his father standing in the corridor, accompanied by Vice Commander Fuyutsuki and two further Section 2 agents.

"Shinji," the Commander said gravely. The boy regained his composure and looked away sullenly. "You violated a direct order."

I helped Asuka. However, Shinji remained silent. Whenever he was around his father, he felt like he was four again. It was frustrating. Shinji hated himself for how weak and whiny he got around his father, but he also knew there was nothing he could do.

"You put Unit 01 at risk, despite several warnings and direct orders to the contrary," Gendo went on. There was a pause. "It was a childish gesture, more concerned about a single person than the safety of the world." Another pause. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Again, Shinji balled his hands into fist, but remained quiet. "Very well. This action needs to have consequences," Gendo continued. Inwardly, Shinji was boiling. "You endangered Unit 01 and the whole world. You…"

Finally, all the anger and resentment boiled over. All the years of neglect and pain, and now this – this was that one bit too far. "I saved you! I saved all of you! You'd be dead without me!"

Misato looked at him shocked. Even Fuyutsuki looked a little bit surprised, but he maintained his composure. Gendo merely slightly furrowed his brows, then corrected the seat of his glasses.

"That is your duty as a pilot," he commented. "I will not…"

"He saved me as well!"

Shinji turned his head around. On the other side of the corridor, Asuka's medical group had come to a halt. Now the redhead, suddenly all motion and anger again, darted out of the group.

"You left me to die and he saved me! If you do anything to him…"

However, before she could reach Gendo, or even only Shinji or Misato, people in hazmat suits had caught her at the shoulders, and pulled her back again. She struggled against that, growling like an animal, but finally just gave up and returned to her previous semi-catatonic state.

But this scene did allow Shinji to speak up. Or at least, he tried to.

"Not anymore," he whispered, his head still hanging low.

"What do you mean?" Gendo demanded to know.

This time, Shinji managed to look up, right into his father's eyes. His face was distorted by a grimace of anger. It was the only thing that enabled him to confront his father. "You said I had to choose!" he yelled. "That I had to become a full pilot again, or leave Tokyo-3. Very well. I'm not a pilot anymore. I'm not bound by your 'duty' anymore. I'm leaving!"

For maybe the first time ever, Shinji saw his father mildly surprised. Gendo blinked, once, twice. Then his face hardened again. However, before he could speak, Fuyutsuki stepped forward.

"Very well. You have exactly one week to pack your belongings and leave, Shinji," the Vice Commander told the boy calmly.

Shinji breathed heavily, still running on nothing but adrenaline. He still looked right at his father's eyes. Gendo merely looked back stone-faced. An almost threatening aura seemed to surround him, an oppressive aura of silence and power. Finally, Shinji had to look away.

"Hrm," his father made, then turned around and left, followed by Fuyutsuki and all their two Section 2 agents.

After they had walked away a few steps, Misato murmured softly, "Shinji…"

However, Shinji didn't care. He just turned around and walked away in the opposite direction. If Misato's Section 2 thugs had a problem with that, well, they could stop him.

They did not.

 

[Susano]

Man fears the night, so he built the city as a cordon around himself.

The city's lights were gradually turning off one street after the other as the sun laggardly began to rise over the grey skyscrapers. Morning sunshine began to fill the still mostly empty streets, and life slowly started anew: A bakery lifting its shutters, a cleaning crew going over a sidewalk, the first few cars.

Of course, that was not the only thing Vice Commander Fuyutsuki saw from the backseat of his black and inconspicuous Section 2 car. In some streets, morning activity consisted of construction workers removing rubble, dust and parts of destroyed buildings. Even while one could see the first students on the sidewalk, chattering excitedly with each other and laughing, and some few salary men hurrying towards an extra early start into the workday, entire building blocks of the city were now missing, reduced to nothing more than heaps of rubble.

Man fears the night, so he surrounds himself in a cordon of delusion. Even now, life goes on. The city can never come to a rest.

These days, Fuyutsuki knew the true history behind cities and fire and all the other tools to keep the night at bay. Human civilization had always ever gone according to their plan: The beings known as Apkallu in the depth of history, and these days as SEELE, even if their seven voices had long since fallen silent. After all, matters were developing according to their plan; they didn't need to speak up anymore. That was why the Vice Commander could not look at cities anymore and see communities or marvels of architecture and logistics or centres of society, technology and commerce. Such an innocent marvel was lost by gaining knowledge. Cities were and had always been engines, devices to propel mankind forward towards its long since planned final destination.

And for no city was that truer than Tokyo-3, the city built for a single purpose. We're in the final chapter. Sometimes Fuyutsuki wondered if Shinji knew the lengths they had gone to for his sake. True, the city also provided a logistics base for NERV, but they could have gone about matters in a very different way. They could have established a military base here, with fortifications and logistics facilities. Ultimately, the primary reason for Tokyo-3's existence had been the need for a city for Shinji to come to, so that he would fulfil his designated role.

Of course, currently the prospects for that were shakier than they had ever been in Commander Ikari's plans.

As the car entered a NERV underground garage with access to the Geofront, Fuyutsuki furrowed his brows. This would be a problem in more than one regard. The Commander, usually an example of pragmatic ruthlessness, had a tendency to become completely irrational when it came to his son. What was more, if things didn't go his way for once, he could develop… obsessions. The next angel would be critical, Fuyutsuki knew that. The Scrolls had preciously little information on it. A Commander focused on other matters just wouldn't do now.

After all, their plans would come to naught if the world were destroyed.

Fuyutsuki grabbed his briefcase and exited the car, walking towards the Geofront's ropeway. No, they really needed to prepare for that next angel. Shinji would have to be dealt with in a calmer manner.

There were only a few people in the NERV Headquarters building. The night shift officially only ended in half an hour. The few people he did meet on the corridors bowed in greeting, a gesture he always returned, naturally with a bow slightly less low. As far as Fuyutsuki was concerned, it was important to uphold decorum even in these times.

Man has come so far on his trajectory. Let us not fall back to the level of animals just now, when we are so close to ascending as gods.

He stopped a moment in front of the Commander's office. The door was appropriately large, and the room behind it gigantic. It wasn't just a matter of psychology, of course: The runes in the room weren't exactly there for decoration purposes. If worse came to worst, that room would be the last safe place in the whole headquarters. And it also was the heart of the entire building, of the entire organization: The place where all the data came together, the place from which they could reach everywhere that was in NERV's grasp – which was pretty much the whole world.

Fuyustuki snorted. But leave it to Ikari to make everything just a matter of intimidation. Fuyutsuki had come to learn that the Commander knew no other way. Class shows. He still is a thug.

He opened the door… and raised an eyebrow. Ikari was already there, sitting at his desk, fingers steepled, his gaze directed right at Fuyutsuki. That was unusual. Normally, the Vice Commander came in first.

However, Fuyutsuki had long since learned to ignore the Commander's intense stare. He simply took off his coat and walked over to his usual place near Ikari's desk, as if nothing were the matter. For several minutes, there was nothing but dead silence as Fuyutsuki went through several official letters.

"You openly contradicted me."

Ah yes. There it was. Fuyutsuki had known that the Commander would bring it up eventually. He turned around to face him.

"I did what was necessary to salvage the situation," Fuyutsuki told him calmly while laying down the letters on the small, round table in front of him.

"That was not the plan," Gendo insisted. "You acted without authorization."

Now Fuyutsuki's voice got sharper. "The plan was already derailed." It had been quite a simple plan, really. Shinji's open defiance of orders had given them a handle on him. So the idea had been to throw in the brig for a week or two… but then 'commute' the sentence once he agreed to sign up as a full pilot again. "But you couldn't handle that your own son defeated you in a test of authority. Instead of adapting, as you always do, you'd nearly have ruined the Scenario. You're acting irrationally around that boy, Ikari!"

The problem was that Shinji at that point had already quit, before they could have made their threats. Throwing him in the brig would probably only have hardened his resolve at that point, especially after that show of support by Asuka – whom they would have lost then as well. And they needed Shinji back in the entry plug. All their efforts were aimed towards that goal. Threatening him was only productive if it would actually make him a full pilot again – not if it were to actually stoke up his defiance.

Usually, Commander Ikari was quite proficient at adapting to new situations, especially in dealing with other people. Circumstances, personal quirks and eccentricities, emotions, those were all just factors to be considered and, if possible, exploited, nothing more. That was how Ikari usually conducted negotiations. But when it came to his son…

So far, the Commander had just looked straight ahead, his face behind those damnable steepled fingers. Now he turned his head around to look Fuyutsuki straight in the face. Sounding almost reasonable, he replied, "It wasn't irrational. Shinji put Unit 01 at risk."

Fuyutsuki suppressed grimacing at it. "And you don't think your… attachment to that particular unit might cloud your judgement there? Face it. If we want to reach our goals, if we want to ascend to godhood, then Shinji has to pilot that Unit. That's why she went into that Evangelion in the first place! Only her son can unlock her full potential! Wasn't that the whole reason you fathered him? So we need to ensure that he will, whatever it takes."

"That's what I plan to do," Gendo told him. "While you are too soft with him."

Fuyutsuki smiled lopsidedly. "For you, 'whatever it takes' has always meant ruthlessness and 'hard decisions'. But this time, it may mean humility. Can you do that, Ikari?"

---

Mornings. Asuka had always hated mornings. Yet another day, yet another effort, having to go through so much bullshit. She hated every new day. She hated her life. She hadn't noticed it, not for a long time, but she had for years already.

But now… now it didn't even register. Light shone into Asuka's room and she felt nothing. A new day, another torture, but it didn't even matter. It would always stay this way. Nothing would ever change. It was just how it was. She rose from her futon.

All she was currently feeling was disgust. The way her mind had been invaded, her body had been torn and twisted and molded, the way the angel had held complete power over her… and she hadn't been able to do anything about it. She had been shoved into this combat, just expected to do her job. She had been infested and controlled and perverted. She had been pushed into quarantine afterwards. And she had always been powerless to do anything.

It was a feeling that even now just wouldn't go away. Her mind, her body, her very being had been violated. She felt unclean. She felt worthless. She had always been worthless. This was her life,and it would only ever go on and on like this.

She just didn't have the energy anymore. She just couldn't continue fighting. Not after this. In truth, not after all those years of her young life, but especially not after this. She just couldn't. It was all too much. So she just went into the kitchen in a daze. She didn't respond when Shinji greeted her, while Misato looked away from her. She didn't even take breakfast. She just… didn't feel like it. She just put on her shoes and went outside. Like a doll on a string she walked towards school, not regarding the city around her. People passed by her, skyscrapers passed by her, but it was all just in her peripheral vision. She didn't notice any of it. They city just blurred into a big stream of grey at her sides. All she could think of was her disgust with herself, her impotence, the pointlessness of it all.

And there truly was no point to it anyway. She would just get blathered to by the teacher again. That had never mattered, but it was expected of her. It was all so irrelevant, all so revulsing. Her mind had been violated, her body had been torn and twisted and perverted, and now she was in school again. How could this all matter compared to what had been done to her? It seemed all so trivial, so absurdly petty, so completely detached from her own world.

And she just… she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. Didn't have the energy anymore. So she just shut off. Didn't regard any of the students around her. Didn't regard the teacher. Didn't even regard the classroom. They, too, passed just by her. She sat there and the world moved around her, a world she was no longer part of – a world that was completely alien to what she had been through, to what she was suffering. Had in fact always been completely alien. None of it mattered. Her presence was required, so she would sit there, but that was all she would do. That was all she could still do. Not that it was any important. All that was in her mind was what had been done to her, what she had gone through.

Break came and went, classes came and went, she just sat there, too revulsed by her own body, too preoccupied by what had been done by her mind, to have energy for anything else.

"Hey? Hey Asuka! Are you…" A pause. "You don't look so well. Maybe you should go home. Uh… Asuka. Asuka?"

Slowly, as if it were the heaviest thing in the world, Asuka turned her head. It was the day's second break and there was Kensuke standing right next to her desk. She felt uncomfortable. His presence was an intrusion. The thoughts of the angel fight, of what happened there, were still running in her head, on and on and on. She just couldn't deal with Kensuke right now.

"I… I take it the fight was bad?" Kensuke asked. "I managed to catch some, uh, unauthorized footage and…" He stopped, then looked down. "Just take care of yourself, Asuka."

Take care of myself… As if it were that easy! As if Kensuke had any idea what he was talking about! He and all the others, they were safe because they used her and the other pilots. They had no idea what it meant. They had cushy lives while the pilots suffered.

What she had gone through – how could anyone comprehend that? But she just nodded and turned her face away again.

"If there is anything I can do to… uh…" Kensuke stuttered. "I mean… just doesn't seem fair you have to carry all that burden…"

He was annoying. An intrusion into her thoughts. Her thoughts about her degradation, her torture and he… he just kept squeaking, tearing into those thoughts, annoying her. Like a puppy wanting attention. Something she would have to concern herself with, but she just didn't have the energy.

"I mean… I told you that after… afterwards I'd find a way to thank you, right? And the angel is destroyed, right? You won. Maybe we could go celebrate somewhere."

Asuka's thought froze. Celebrate? Now he wanted to celebrate as well? She had been willing to spend some minutes of attention on him, but a celebration? Of what, even? Of her violation?

"Get something to eat, uh, go to the arcade again maybe…"

Enough! Just stop, Ken! Why is he still here? She didn't want that. There was so much in her head, she couldn't entertain yappy puppies, no matter how cute they otherwise might be. And to be constantly torn out of her thoughts, to be constantly annoyed… anger began to rise in Asuka.

"Uh… Asuka?"

And he clearly awaited an answer. He wouldn't just go away. Why won't he just go away?

And that was the last straw.

She rose up, her chair falling over behind her. "Oh, shut up, Kensuke!" she shouted at him. "I have absolutely no intention to deal with you right now. Arcade! What fucking bullshit."

Suddenly, her thoughts disrupted, Asuka was aware again of her surroundings – Kensuke, the other students around her, the classroom. Complete silence had fallen over them all. Kensuke looked shocked… no, more, he looked hurt. And the other students stared at her like… like some dangerous but fascinating zoo animal.

It all became too much. All the idiots staring at her. Looking at Kensuke's pain. And realizing what she had just done, had just said. With an angry, hurt growl she grabbed her bag and ran outside. Fuck this. Fuck the school, fuck the students, fuck their stupid rules. She was in absolutely no mood for any of it at all. She had fucked it all up, and now she just wanted to leave, to flee, to bury herself in a deep, dark cave.

Not having such a cave in or near the city, she ran back to Misato's apartment. She ran and ran the entire way until she was panting and crying and still angry. She cursed the lack of European doors. Inside her room, she slid the door closed, and then in a fit of loud anger, she threw her cabinet in front of it, so that nobody would come in. Then she crawled into her futon. She closed her eyes and just wanted it all to go away, to sleep it all away, to hide from the world.

But no sleep came. Only tears.

Now she had truly lost it all. She was a disgusting, unlovable creature, just a tool NERV had used repeatedly, just a doll in the hands of that angel. She could never, ever be anything else than just that bitchy pilot; they had seen to it. She was a horrible creature. And the one guy who had put up with her, she had chased away now. What the fuck did she even still have?

Just more pain. Just more violations to come. Just disgust at herself. And nobody who would put up with her.

She didn't know how long she had lied there, buried under her futon, her clothes, her few plushies. She had made herself a veritable fortress, but now she just lay there and looked up to the ceiling, unable to shut the world, unable to deal with it. Her tears had dried. Nearby on the ground, within arm's reach, lay her Wonderswan. Even that provided no escape anymore. She couldn't escape this reality because she was too troubled to focus on the Wonderswan; she was too troubled to focus because she couldn't escape into her Wonderswan.

Everything was pointless. Everything was foreboding and crushing and oppressive. Everything was grey and hurting. She couldn't even gather any clear thought apart from that anymore.

So she also didn't know how much time had passed. She was exhausted after all the anger, all the crying, and had just watched as the light outside the window had shifted, but she couldn't tell what it meant – only that time had, in fact, passed.

Somebody knocked at the door.

Asuke tensed up. She didn't want that. She didn't want the world to intrude here. She didn't want to deal with anybody. Misato would try to appear all cheery again, as she always did, after every damn battle, as if Asuka's or Shinji's life had not just been on the line. But then, she had never truly cared anyway. Asuka, and Shinji and Rei and Mari as well, had always just been tools to her. And sure, why not give that tool a smile when that cost nothing, but beyond that…?

No, Asuka really didn't want to deal with that.

"Uh… Asuka…"

It was Shinji.

"Can I…"

"No." Asuka cut him off. It sounded hollow, but it was loud and clear.

"Uh, okay," Shinji conceded. "Uh… Misato will come as well. You know that." Asuka flinched. Of course she knew. There was a long pause. "I… can I at least bring you food later?"

Asuka blinked. Bring her food? She hadn't expected that. "Yes." It still sounded hollow, without emotion. Another pause followed. Finally, Asuka added. "Thanks, Shinji." That didn't sound much better.

"There is… there is something else," Shinji continued. "I… I have a note." Again, Asuka tensed up. She was about to say something, but then Shinji said, "I'll… I won't come in, don't worry. I guess I'll just slip it under the door."

Asuka heard the rustling of paper. And then, silence. Shinji was gone, it seemed. For what seemed further hours, Asuka continued lying on her futon. Outside, the light diminished. Finally, a certain curiosity won the upper hand, maybe a certain desire to do something. So, without standing up, she crawled forward from her futon, over the toppled wardrobe. And indeed, there it still was, a piece of paper right in front of the door, half buried by clothing.

For a moment, Asuka hesitated. Then she took it up.

She almost let it fall down again. It was from Kensuke. A wave of anxiety washed over her, almost like panic. She didn't want to… she didn't want to be confronted with what she had done. She had fucked up, and this was just a further nail hammered into her, hammering that fact home. A document of her failure.

However, she had already begun reading it, and on the contrary, what it said…

"Hello, Asuka. I'm sorry about today. I know it's the piloting. You protected us all; you don't deserve any of this. Just tell me once you feel better again, or if there is anything I can do to help. We will do whatever you want. Until then, I guess I'll just wait.

-Kensuke."

Asuka's right hand trembled. Again tears began to form in her eyes, as she felt she was given a grace she didn't deserve.

---

Shinji's mood was gloomy. He sat upright on his futon and looked at the small digital clock next to it: 8 AM, on a Saturday morning. Without the clock, he could lose all feeling for time in this small, windowless room, where the all too yellow light of an open light bulb shone no matter whether day or night.

He got up from the futon. Two days ago, the angel had attacked. Yesterday, he had once again gone to school as if nothing had happened. And today… he would have to use the weekend to gather all his belongings and pack them up. He soon would be leaving for good.

Head hanging low, he lurched to the kitchen. Nobody else was awake yet, as usual. The thought had a certain sting to it: "As usual". He had gotten used to this apartment. Soon, this would all have been for naught. He balled his hands into fist. He shouldn't feel bad. It had all just been an illusion anyway. If he hadn't quit, he'd be rotting in a prison cell now – as yet another thank you for having saved the world. That was the truth, what the truth had always been.

And yet…

Almost mechanically, he began fixing up a warm breakfast. All the movements were by now well known to him; it was almost automatic, while he brooded over his melancholic thoughts.

After he was finished, he wrapped up one bowl in tinfoil, to keep it warm. Then he gently put it in front of Asuka's door. When he straightened up again, he was looking Misato in the face. The Colonel's look was stern and undecipherable; her right hand held her left elbow. For almost a minute, neither side said a word.

It was Shinji who flinched first. He looked away and down. But he managed to get out, "You should leave her alone."

"That won't be possible forever," Misato replied, her voice bar any emotion or expression.

Again, Shinji balled his hands into fists. Again he furrowed his brows. What Misato had said was true. They needed the pilots, after all. And it seemed that was all that mattered to them. He wanted to reply something, anything, but no words came. Instead, he just turned his head to face her again, and kept staring at her. This time, it was her who looked away.

The tension became too much for Shinji. He stepped past Misato, back into the kitchen, towards the apartment door. He put on his shoes.

"Where are you going?" Misato asked, voice still carefully neutral.

Shinji stood up again, his back to the Colonel. He didn't answer. Then he stepped outside.

The cicadas' day long cacophony was already sounding from every patch of grass, while the air was quickly heated up by the eternal summer sun. Shinji just walked past them, his body stiff, his hands in his pockets, his view downcast. There was so much unrest in him, so much… he didn't have a word for it. So much discontent, so much resentment, so much frustration at his inability to change things. He had never belonged here. He should never have come. The time his head had gotten smashed in, the time his chest had gotten pierced through, the time he had been boiled alive – ultimately, it had all been for utterly nothing. It would have been the better choice to simply leave from the start. So much pain he had gone through, and all because he couldn't have said no earlier.

And after all that, he still wasn't able to change a damn thing. His stay in Tokyo-3 had been terrible, one traumatic experience after the next, without him getting anything to show for it… but he had also made friends here. He had a flatmate who was surprisingly tolerable. And then there was Rei…

…and all of that he would lose now, and only keep the memory of the pain. It didn't matter a damn thing that he had piloted for them all, had done so over and over again just as they had told him to. Despite that, he would lose the cherished few good things he had found in this city.

Ayanami…

He had never felt so peaceful, so soothed, and so just quietly content as in her presence. It helped that she was easy on the eye: Her lithe form, her enigmatic red eyes, the alabaster face. But it went beyond just those things. He felt connected to Rei, driven towards her. She had been not only the one bright spot here in Tokyo-3 – but honestly, in a lifetime of isolation and loneliness.

Rei… An overwhelming desire to see her welled up in him. He had to settle matters with her before he would leave.

The cicadas' cacophony fell silent as he approached the condemned highrises in Tokyo-3's west end. Despite how early in the day it was, temperatures were already becoming uncomfortable here. There were no patches of grass, no parks, no unbuilt areas, just an all-covering layer of asphalt reflecting the sun's heat. And, of course, there was the noise. The wrecking crews had already started their work again.

Shinji still felt a bit uneasy going up the stairs to Rei's level of the highrise. There was trash everywhere, the walls were stark and ugly, and some corners just reeked. And yet, the place also had something very comfortable about it. He had only ever passed these images of filth when he was on his way to Rei. That was a very positive association.

He breathed out as he stood in front of Rei's door. First, because he had just climbed all those stairs and second because, well… He hesitated. He had come because he needed to settle matters with Rei, but now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. He had no idea what he should tell her. In fact, he suddenly realized that after all that Rei had done for him, he really shouldn't bother her with that stuff. It was bad enough what he thought of the girl sometimes, what visions about what he wanted to do with her were sometimes in his head, disgusting things just because she had paid some attention to him – but at least that was indeed just in his head, well sealed up. No need to push this on Rei, just for his own selfish desire to "settle matters". He was putting his own comfort over Rei's needs, yet again.

He turned around again, and slowly walked away from the door. He felt a strange sort of relief; he had given up now, so he wouldn't actually have to face Rei, wouldn't need to find the right words, wouldn't need risking matters. However, he felt disgusted at this relief. He was giving up again.

He stopped. His mouth began moving, first just as a grimace, then muttering.

"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..."

In a sudden motion, he turned around again, took a large step back to the door, and knocked. Then he stopped, terrified at his own action.

He was still half frozen in shock when the door opened. Rei was now standing right in front of him, wearing a school uniform, her eyes slightly widened in surprise, her head tilted. Shinji gulped. That view, and her alabaster skin and that unfathomable aura of serenity around her… she was adorable. And desirable. Shinji had to admit as much to himself at least. But he couldn't burden her with that.

Both of them just stood there in quiet surprise, neither side saying anything. Even though it should have been a tense moment, Shinji's heart had begun to slow down as soon as he had caught sight of Rei. There still was a knot in his chest, but he felt… safe. Content, even.

But there was always this nagging feeling that he didn't deserve this contentment. He just took and took and took from Rei, without giving back – or at least, certainly, without giving nearly an equivalent amount back.

So he let his head hang low. "I'm sorry. It was rude to bother you."

He slowly turned around in order to lurch away. He had screwed it up again.

Behind him, he could hear Rei's soft voice. "Too short…"

Reflexively, Shinji stopped. He had no idea what the blue-haired girl meant. He looked back over his shoulder. "Hm?"

"It doesn't matter," she declared. Then she hesitated. "But your presence here was too short."

That took Shinji by surprise. "Ah… uh…" He turned around. "What do you m… why?"

"I like being in your presence."

Another shock. And this one… Shinji had a feeling right then, as if something was squeezing his chest. His heart began beating faster. He refused to think about what Rei had just said; clearly that couldn't mean anything.

He opened and closed his hands. "I…" He breathed out, sounding defeated. "I soon won't be here anymore."

"Yes," Rei merely confirmed.

The two stood there, five metres apart, looking at each other, not finding the words. Rei stared intensely at Shinji, as if waiting for something, but there was just nothing he could say. He felt his heart bursting, from all the emotions inside him, all the feelings that he couldn't show – feelings of tenderness towards Rei, an inarticulate urge to hold her, the genuine desire to be close to her… to the one person around whom he didn't need to be on the lookout for the next bad thing to happen.

His whole life had been like this. When he was around people, he always expected them to tell him they don't like him, or that they needed him for something unpleasant, or that they would just leave him – or that they would tell him the next bad news: That his father didn't want him anymore, that he now had to suffer pain and fear of death, that he would be thrown in jail. That was what being around people was like for Shinji, always waiting for the next hammer to drop.

Only Rei… Rei was different. He had a connection with her, somehow. Around her, he was calm, relaxed, without fears or tension. Not that it mattered – he would soon be gone, anyway.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't quite know what for; surely everybody would be better off without him here. But it wasn't by their choice; it was him who had fucked up.

"It can't be helped," Rei said monotonically. An immense feeling of loss and longing overcame Shinji in that instant. It again took some seconds of silence before Rei spoke again. "You now will never have to pilot again."

A bitter, almost angry smile appeared on Shinji's face. That was true enough. But he could have had that by just saying no, and now he was simply kicked out.

He breathed in. So he might as well say it now. Right here, in front of Rei's apartment door. "There is… Ayanami, there is only one thing I regret. That I… that I will have to leave…" His voice began failing him. "...you." It was only a squeak anymore.

"Oh." Rei blinked. Patches of subdued red spread on her cheeks. She looked dumbfounded. It was utterly adorable. "I..." She stopped, and then fell into her usual monotone again, soft and comforting. "I will regret that as well."

"And I'll leave next Thursday at the latest," Shinji muttered darkly.

There was yet more silence. Finally, Rei spoke. "Come in."

"Huh?" Shinji was unsure what she meant. A slight redness crept into his face. This was sudden and blunt.

"If we only have until Thursday, we should spend as much time together as possible," Rei stated, in her soft, monotone and as far as Shinji was concerned adorable voice.

"I... I suppose that's true," Shinji answered. A small, melancholic smile appeared on Shinji's face, breaking through the embarrassment. "So, uh..." He breathed out, still feeling nervous. "Sorry for the intrusion?"

And with those idiomatic words he walked into the apartment, after Rei had stepped aside. He looked a bit dismayed at the dirty dishes gathering up in the sink again, and a heap of food wrappings built up in one specific corner of her sleeping room. It was not nearly as bad as back before he had come to help clean up the room and paint the walls, but... it really seemed to be getting that way again. Then again, who was he to judge? He had far worse faults.

And does it matter? I'll soon be gone. I tried to help here, but like everything else I do, it soon will become irrelevant.

He tried to feel self-pity, but he noticed that there was also a hinge of concern. It was sad because the thought of Rei once again living in filth was sad. What happened to him was not that important; he wasn't worth concern anyway – but Rei shouldn't be living like that...

Rei sat down on her bed. Shinji automatically wanted to go to the chair standing in front of her desk... only to notice that, apparently in keeping with the general sense of decay around it, it had broken down, with one of its legs severed from it. Shinji looked at Rei, unsure where else to go. She merely tilted her head, apparently not catching his meaning. After a while, she just patted the place next to her on the bed.

Shinji gulped, but then sat down next to her. The mattress bent down slightly under their combined weight. He noticed that he was now sitting much closer to Rei than he had intended. It was...

...not bad, all things considered. His face was flushed but it was a pleasant heat; his heart was beating faster, but it was an enjoyable, simple excitement. He realized he just liked being next to Rei.

For several minutes, the two just sat there in warm silence. There was nothing that really needed to be said; it was enough to be in each other's company. Shinji sighed contentedly.

"I never had this before," Rei whispered.

Shinji turned his head to her. On the side of her face, he saw the tiniest amount of red on her cheek and the corner of her mouth ever so slightly drawn upwards. He liked that. "What… what do you mean, Ayanami?"

Now she turned her head as well and gazed at him with this serious, calm, serene look of hers. Shinji was captivated. "You're the first person I've met who has ever truly noticed me. Only the Commander… but it's different with him. He pays attention to me because he needs me. You're the first person who has noticed me just so."

Heat rose in Shinji's head and he was pretty sure he was blushing heavily. His answer was more murmured than spoken. "You… youdeservetobenoticed." Then he smiled sadly and looked down. "In truth, it's me who… I've been wondering why you pay so much attention to me. Helped me so much. I mean, I'm not…" He shook his head. "Not a good person."

"I don't know," Rei admitted. Shinji's heart clenched together, and he felt as if he had just been kicked right into it. "I can't explain it. There are many things about myself that I don't understand. But when I am around you, I feel good. I want to help you, because that feels good as well. I like the feeling I have when you smile, even though I cannot explain it."

Shinji's eyes, still looking down, went wide. "Ah… Ayanami... "

"I think…" Rei continued. "...I just like helping you or being helped by you or having you around me."

There was a long silence, a more awkward one than before. Shinji did not dare look up. Finally, he managed to say, "I… I feel the same way, Ayanami."

"Yes," Rei said. "That is what I don't understand. Nobody else feels that way about me. Even the Commander just takes what I do for granted. Only you… I don't understand."

Shinji was nonplussed. "What do you mean? What is there not to understand? You… you… you have always been there for me, ever since I came to this city. You promised to protect me. You piloted, so that I don't need to." He breathed out. Now that he had talked himself into a bit of a frenzy, there was no stopping. "You piloted, so that I don't need to. You're… you're a wonderful person, Ayanami. A truly wonderful person."

Rei looked down again, but this time both her blush and her smile were more pronounced. Shinji didn't know what to make of it, how he should act now, what he should say now, but he desperately didn't want this moment to end - this instant of content closeness and heart-flutter.

Finally, Rei spoke up again, almost in a whisper. "I also like this. Being so close to you. I… I like it."

"...yes," was all that Shinji could do to answer.

"Shikinami told me that feeling that I'm feeling… that we're maybe both feeling… is love," Rei stated.

Shinji gulped hard, his eyes wide as saucers. Then he caught himself again. There was no sense of running away on his mind. Not here. "I… I suppose… I suppose it could be."

Love? Was that it? Was that what he had been feeling for Rei all the time? Of course it is, you idiot. He could almost hear his thoughts in Asuka's voice. But… that prospect was surprisingly non-threatening. Yes, yes, he loved Rei. He probably had for a while. But it appeared that wasn't a bad thing, wasn't a thing he needed to fear.

"What does that mean?" Rei asked.

"W-well… just as you said," Shinji answered. I'm really not the right person to ask about love… but it wasn't like that he could deny any request or question from Rei. "That we…" He gulped. "That we both want to be close to each other. Ah… to be around each other but also… uh… physically close." His voice betrayed him there again, ending up as a squeak at the end.

"Ah. Yes," Rei agreed. "That is true. I do want that." She laid a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "I remember our hug. I liked that. I have thought a lot about that since then." Now, finally, Shinji's red face began to glow red like a tomato. He had as well.

Rei looked at him with those crystal-clear red eyes, those utterly fascinating eyes in an often stern, yet lovely face. Shinj, once again, didn't know what to do, but it didn't matter. It was not like he was about to protest…

...and then she pushed him down on the bed, both her hands on both his shoulders, her on top of him at first, but then sliding down next to him. One of her arms remained below him, just below the shoulder, one rested on him. Again, they were looking into each other's eyes.

That alabaster face… the sharp lines of it, like a painting or a statue… the attractive blue hair… those captivatingly unique eyes… and most of all, that aura of serenity and security around. And that mouth. That lovely mouth, almost fey-like delicate as all her features.

A face as if made for gentle, tender touches, for soft strokes of the finger. Very carefully, as if not to break that fragile beauty in front of him, Shinji laid a hand on her cheek, just in front of her ear, and began to slowly stroke her hair.

She smiled.

Shinji moved his head closer to hers, so close now. Only millimeters apart. And then, their mouths met.

---

Asuka hated this. She hated it all: The dark room, her inactivity, how she felt. She didn't want to be here, isolated and removed from the world, but she also could not not be. She hated how nothing happened here, how she was stuck in here doing nothing at all, but that was also why she remained here: "Nothing" was still better than everything that had happened to her outside. She couldn't go there. She just couldn't. It was better to remain here like dead than risk the outside. And so Asuka was stuck, and she hated that.

But most of all, she hated the passage of time. Time just went on and on mercilessly, with no respite for her. There was no break from it for her, no pause where she could just lick her wounds and do nothing. Another day, with the world outside the curtain getting brighter again. Another afternoon, with the brightness dying down. Another night, with no light outside, while the light bulb in her room was running constantly. And eventually, she would have to fight again.

Once, she had looked forward to that. Once, she had believed that this would be the payoff for everything she had endured and been made to do during her childhood. Years of extra work, years of invasive tests and studies, years of having no other choice - and without anybody ever showing the least amount of gratitude or remorse about that. She had thought that here in Japan, after she had fought and won, here she would finally be vindicated - that here, people would finally respect her for her strength, her talent, her victories, would look up to her, would cheer her.

Instead, she lay in this darkened room, didn't even want to move and hated the passage of time.

"Why me…"

It was a soft whisper, but it carried the sum total of her desperation. Why was it her who had to lead that life? Destined to be a pilot since four years of age, pushed around, prodded, with no input by herself - only to then be shoved out to fight monsters, only to have her body violated and her mind raped, only to be taken for granted. Hikari wasn't leading such a life. Kensuke and Touji weren't leading such lives. It was only her, Asuka. And nobody even cared!

It was all so unjust. She didn't want this. She didn't want this life. She had gone through it thinking that, ultimately, it would pay off, that, in the end, people would finally respect her and cheer her. They all had made her believe that. And it had been a lie. It had only served to make her continue this miserable life, this unfair life.

And it wasn't like she could do anything about it. That was also something they had made sure of: Piloting was all she had. Without it, she was nothing - less than nothing, as without it she was just a hostile, stand-offish bitch. She had to pilot. She had to continue this wretched life. All she could do was lie here in semi-darkness and hope it wouldn't come knocking again all too soon.

It was unjust. And there was no way out.

As they always did, those thoughts continued circling in her head. It was not like she had anything better to do. She lay on her futon, and thought crawled through her head at a glacial speed. Hours could pass with her only half aware of her surroundings. She liked it that way. She didn't really want to be a part of this reality.

The light outside had begun to dim already when there was an intrusion into her thoughts - a knock at the door. She hated that as well. The outside world came calling. Even if it wasn't Misato and the next fight… everything else was just so trivial, so unimportant. She didn't have the energy to care for what her or Shinji had to say, when thoughts about her mind rape went through her head. It was all so banal!

"It… it's me, Asuka." Shinji. Well, it was better than Misato. "I brought you food."

As he always did, two times a day. Misato never entered, never knocked. She was somewhat sure Shinji had ensured that, and on some level she was grateful, but… she really didn't have the mental energy for gratitude anymore.

"Hm," she just answered. Then she sighed. There was no helping it. She needed food, after all. She didn't want to starve herself. She did want life, just…

...just not this one.

Slowly, unwillingly, Asuka got up from her futon. She knew her hair and her clothes were a mess and that she needed a shower, but she didn't care. She stepped in front of the door, but even then it took another ten seconds before she slid it open. With her face being an iron mask, she looked at Shinji, who was holding a plate with food on it.

Without saying anything, without an expression on her face, she just took the plate and slid the door shut again. She hated herself for how ingrateful she was, but she just… she couldn't face people right now. Even just these little transfers were almost too much for her.

Shinji's voice came through the door. "Ah… Asuka. You know I'll be gone soon.They say now I should leave on Saturday. Asuka… what will you do then?"

Asuka balled one hand into a fist. She noticed she was beginning to shake. She didn't want to think about what was to come, about the outside world… didn't want to think at all. She put the plate on the ground, and then slid down the door.

"Why do you care?" she asked. "That's my business, isn't it?" She hated how bitchy that sounded, but… letting Shinji see how she was truly feeling would be yet another humiliation.

"I… I guess so," Shinji answered. He sounded sad. "I guess… I guess soon it won't matter for me anyway." A pause. "Do you want to stay in there forever?" It seemed to be a genuine question, asked with genuine curiosity rather than judgement.

"Maybe," Asuka answered defiantly, a defiance she wasn't really feeling. She realized she wouldn't be able to, but as long as she could, she wanted to pretend to. She wasn't sure if Shinji was still there when she spoke up again. "It's easy for you."

"...what do you mean?" Shinji asked.

"You were picked up from the street in order to pilot," Asuka explained. "But at least you had a life before it. Something you can return to now. And you took the easy way out as soon as you could, anyway."

It took some time until Shinji replied. "Y-yeah. True. I'm sorry about that."

Asuka scoffed. "If only some other people were sorry as well."

"But… uh… I… I did return to fight, didn't I?" Shinji tried to defend himself.

"Yes." Asuka's voice was empty of all emotions. "You got back in the entry plug. But you didn't get hurt. You just got to hug my unit, and that was all. All because you actually had the sense to stand up for yourself."

"Asuka…" Shinji sounded concerned.

"Please go now," she told him.

---

Shinji told himself to stop worrying. After all, he would soon be gone from here anyway. He would never see Asuka again, most likely. Their lives had only briefly intersected for two months or so, and now would depart again. He could still help her now, but ultimately, he wouldn't be able to anyway. And he really should use the short time remaining to him for better things, like spending it with Rei.

But it wasn't that easy to stop worrying.

The truth was, he kinda liked Asuka. Despite her constant stand-offishness, she was actually rather easy to get along with. Most of the time, she had just left him alone. Unlike Misato, she wasn't that needy for company or so disorganized that she'd need cleaning after. She did expect not to be bothered, not to get disturbed in her sphere of privacy, but in return she also didn't bother others or disturbed their privacy. Or at least, most of the time.

Shinji had come to genuinely like that arrangement. One could talk with Asuka, even deep and meaningful talks like the one after her second angel fight here - but she wasn't pushy, and one could also always keep a safe distance. And he had come to like what she had to say, like how she had never put up with Misato's crap at home. And her stand-offish cynicism, well, the more time passed on, the more it seemed to Shinji she had the right with that after all.

He liked Asuka. He liked the temporary foster sister he had for a while. And now, she had barricaded herself in her room for three days straight already.

Misato still sat in the kitchen, staring down at the remains of her ready meal, and said nothing. In fact, she had remained silent through-out, and had been so nearly all day. There wasn't much talking going on anymore in the household. Shinji would remain silent or look away when Misato tried to talk to him. Eventually, she had gotten the hint, and she also stayed away from Asuka. The atmosphere in the household had been crushing over the last few days, but Shinji preferred it over the alternative.

She would have seen me locked up like I'm some kind of criminal…

Even after everything, there was a sad pang in his heart. Did she ever truly care about me? He had thought that maybe Misato wasn't so bad, that, certainly, living with her hadn't been once he didn't have to pilot anymore… but now he realized that all had only been a fantasy. She still was the Operative Director of NERV, Asuka still was a pilot and Shinji, for now, still was a reserve pilot. Was I ever only a pilot to her? Nothing more?

He just couldn't keep up any false friendliness or cheeriness anymore. All that had happened was that the truth had been revealed; everything before that had just been a lie.

Misato avoided eye contact as Shinji walked past her to the apartment's entrance. On the one hand, that suited him just fine, but on the other hand… She used me, and now that I won't serve as her tool anymore, she is hiding from me. It was cowardly and self-serving and Shinji resented Misato for it.

He put on his shoes and walked out of the apartment without saying anything.

He didn't want to waste his precious few remaining time in Tokyo-3 on thinking about Misato, on the anger boiling inside him or even on worrying about Asuka. He only had a few days before he would have to leave. So what he really wanted was to spend as much time as possible together with Rei.

And, unbelievably, entirely wonderfully, Rei seemed to feel the same. They had even agreed to meet again in her apartment.

It should have been a time of wide-eyed wonder and amazement. Nobody had ever told Shinji they liked to have him around. Nobody had ever told him they were glad when he smiled, or when they just could talk to him. And Rei had even spoken about love. Love! Shinji hardly had any idea what this meant, but his heart was fluttering now when he just thought of the blue-haired girl.

Instead, it was a time of melancholy. The two would enjoy what little time they still had together, and then Shinji would leave. A short spring, to be followed by a return to his eternal winter. He desperately wanted to stay close to Rei now, to be as much in her presence as possible…

...to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her....

That also was a whole new world for Shinji, and he had quickly discovered that he couldn't get enough of it. Just the physical contact, closeness in both body and spirit, skin on skin, her graceful touch… it was a whole new universe of experiences for Shinji, and he craved ever more of it.

Strangely, while those images made his heart beat faster and caused heat to spread in his face, they weren't a source of shame for him anymore. Rei wanted this as well! Rei had even initiated that at times! It was unbelievable. It was a miracle.

...it soon would be over.

So as Shinji walked the streets of Tokyo-3, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings: All the work crews repairing buildings, the chattering people on the boardwalk, many of them students his age just going home from school, the cars and trains and busses and of course the inevitable cicadas just going on and on with their noises. He longed to be at Rei's apartment already, but he also dreaded it - sort of like he was using up an irreplaceable reservoir of something precious. Of course, that was silly - time would go on no matter where he was. But being in Rei's company meant being confronted with that fact.

But still, it was better to have worries and be comforted by her graceful arms than to sit at home and shut the worries out. And even more importantly, for whatever inexplicable reason, Rei felt the same about him, liked being in his arms. And she deserved feeling nice. There was still much about her he didn't understand, but the few glimpses he had gotten into her life had revealed a very dark picture.

He smiled as he walked up the dirty stairs of the nearly entirely abandoned building where Rei lived. It didn't bother him. It was good, even, because it meant soon he would be with Rei.

To his surprise, he caught the blue-haired girl just as she was stepping out of her apartment's door.

"Uh, Ayanami…" Shinji began, unsure what to say.

"I am sorry," she apologized. "We cannot meet today. The Commander has called me in for tests at headquarters on short notice."

"But… we… we agreed!" Shinji stuttered. "That we'd meet every day. Today. And we have so few times left."

"I know," Rei said, and it sounded genuinely sad. But then she just walked past Shinji, down the stairs.