It was obvious from the beginning that it was going to be an ironic title, but now it definitely has become a shit-fest.
Welcome to Evangelion.
Welcome to Evangelion.
All the Freedom in the World [Rebuild of Evangelion]
Ch12: Confessions
Susano
Council Candidate
- Location
- Volksstaat Hessen, Deutsches Reich
Man fears the night, so he built the city as a cordon around himself.
The city's lights were gradually turning off one street after the other as the sun laggardly began to rise over the grey skyscrapers. Morning sunshine began to fill the still mostly empty streets, and life slowly started anew: A bakery lifting its shutters, a cleaning crew going over a sidewalk, the first few cars.
Of course, that was not the only thing Vice Commander Fuyutsuki saw from the backseat of his black and inconspicuous Section 2 car. In some streets, morning activity consisted of construction workers removing rubble, dust and parts of destroyed buildings. Even while one could see the first students on the sidewalk, chattering excitedly with each other and laughing, and some few salary men hurrying towards an extra early start into the workday, entire building blocks of the city were now missing, reduced to nothing more than heaps of rubble.
Man fears the night, so he surrounds himself in a cordon of delusion. Even now, life goes on. The city can never come to a rest.
These days, Fuyutsuki knew the true history behind cities and fire and all the other tools to keep the night at bay. Human civilization had always ever gone according to their plan: The beings known as Apkallu in the depth of history, and these days as SEELE, even if their seven voices had long since fallen silent. After all, matters were developing according to their plan; they didn't need to speak up anymore. That was why the Vice Commander could not look at cities anymore and see communities or marvels of architecture and logistics or centres of society, technology and commerce. Such an innocent marvel was lost by gaining knowledge. Cities were and had always been engines, devices to propel mankind forward towards its long since planned final destination.
And for no city was that truer than Tokyo-3, the city built for a single purpose. We're in the final chapter. Sometimes Fuyutsuki wondered if Shinji knew the lengths they had gone to for his sake. True, the city also provided a logistics base for NERV, but they could have gone about matters in a very different way. They could have established a military base here, with fortifications and logistics facilities. Ultimately, the primary reason for Tokyo-3's existence had been the need for a city for Shinji to come to, so that he would fulfil his designated role.
Of course, currently the prospects for that were shakier than they had ever been in Commander Ikari's plans.
As the car entered a NERV underground garage with access to the Geofront, Fuyutsuki furrowed his brows. This would be a problem in more than one regard. The Commander, usually an example of pragmatic ruthlessness, had a tendency to become completely irrational when it came to his son. What was more, if things didn't go his way for once, he could develop… obsessions. The next angel would be critical, Fuyutsuki knew that. The Scrolls had preciously little information on it. A Commander focused on other matters just wouldn't do now.
After all, their plans would come to naught if the world were destroyed.
Fuyutsuki grabbed his briefcase and exited the car, walking towards the Geofront's ropeway. No, they really needed to prepare for that next angel. Shinji would have to be dealt with in a calmer manner.
There were only a few people in the NERV Headquarters building. The night shift officially only ended in half an hour. The few people he did meet on the corridors bowed in greeting, a gesture he always returned, naturally with a bow slightly less low. As far as Fuyutsuki was concerned, it was important to uphold decorum even in these times.
Man has come so far on his trajectory. Let us not fall back to the level of animals just now, when we are so close to ascending as gods.
He stopped a moment in front of the Commander's office. The door was appropriately large, and the room behind it gigantic. It wasn't just a matter of psychology, of course: The runes in the room weren't exactly there for decoration purposes. If worse came to worst, that room would be the last safe place in the whole headquarters. And it also was the heart of the entire building, of the entire organization: The place where all the data came together, the place from which they could reach everywhere that was in NERV's grasp – which was pretty much the whole world.
Fuyustuki snorted. But leave it to Ikari to make everything just a matter of intimidation. Fuyutsuki had come to learn that the Commander knew no other way. Class shows. He still is a thug.
He opened the door… and raised an eyebrow. Ikari was already there, sitting at his desk, fingers steepled, his gaze directed right at Fuyutsuki. That was unusual. Normally, the Vice Commander came in first.
However, Fuyutsuki had long since learned to ignore the Commander's intense stare. He simply took off his coat and walked over to his usual place near Ikari's desk, as if nothing were the matter. For several minutes, there was nothing but dead silence as Fuyutsuki went through several official letters.
"You openly contradicted me."
Ah yes. There it was. Fuyutsuki had known that the Commander would bring it up eventually. He turned around to face him.
"I did what was necessary to salvage the situation," Fuyutsuki told him calmly while laying down the letters on the small, round table in front of him.
"That was not the plan," Gendo insisted. "You acted without authorization."
Now Fuyutsuki's voice got sharper. "The plan was already derailed." It had been quite a simple plan, really. Shinji's open defiance of orders had given them a handle on him. So the idea had been to throw in the brig for a week or two… but then 'commute' the sentence once he agreed to sign up as a full pilot again. "But you couldn't handle that your own son defeated you in a test of authority. Instead of adapting, as you always do, you'd nearly have ruined the Scenario. You're acting irrationally around that boy, Ikari!"
The problem was that Shinji at that point had already quit, before they could have made their threats. Throwing him in the brig would probably only have hardened his resolve at that point, especially after that show of support by Asuka – whom they would have lost then as well. And they needed Shinji back in the entry plug. All their efforts were aimed towards that goal. Threatening him was only productive if it would actually make him a full pilot again – not if it were to actually stoke up his defiance.
Usually, Commander Ikari was quite proficient at adapting to new situations, especially in dealing with other people. Circumstances, personal quirks and eccentricities, emotions, those were all just factors to be considered and, if possible, exploited, nothing more. That was how Ikari usually conducted negotiations. But when it came to his son…
So far, the Commander had just looked straight ahead, his face behind those damnable steepled fingers. Now he turned his head around to look Fuyutsuki straight in the face. Sounding almost reasonable, he replied, "It wasn't irrational. Shinji put Unit 01 at risk."
Fuyutsuki suppressed grimacing at it. "And you don't think your… attachment to that particular unit might cloud your judgement there? Face it. If we want to reach our goals, if we want to ascend to godhood, then Shinji has to pilot that Unit. That's why she went into that Evangelion in the first place! Only her son can unlock her full potential! Wasn't that the whole reason you fathered him? So we need to ensure that he will, whatever it takes."
"That's what I plan to do," Gendo told him. "While you are too soft with him."
Fuyutsuki smiled lopsidedly. "For you, 'whatever it takes' has always meant ruthlessness and 'hard decisions'. But this time, it may mean humility. Can you do that, Ikari?"
Mornings. Asuka had always hated mornings. Yet another day, yet another effort, having to go through so much bullshit. She hated every new day. She hated her life. She hadn't noticed it, not for a long time, but she had for years already.
But now… now it didn't even register. Light shone into Asuka's room and she felt nothing. A new day, another torture, but it didn't even matter. It would always stay this way. Nothing would ever change. It was just how it was. She rose from her futon.
All she was currently feeling was disgust. The way her mind had been invaded, her body had been torn and twisted and molded, the way the angel had held complete power over her… and she hadn't been able to do anything about it. She had been shoved into this combat, just expected to do her job. She had been infested and controlled and perverted. She had been pushed into quarantine afterwards. And she had always been powerless to do anything.
It was a feeling that even now just wouldn't go away. Her mind, her body, her very being had been violated. She felt unclean. She felt worthless. She had always been worthless. This was her life,and it would only ever go on and on like this.
She just didn't have the energy anymore. She just couldn't continue fighting. Not after this. In truth, not after all those years of her young life, but especially not after this. She just couldn't. It was all too much. So she just went into the kitchen in a daze. She didn't respond when Shinji greeted her, while Misato looked away from her. She didn't even take breakfast. She just… didn't feel like it. She just put on her shoes and went outside. Like a doll on a string she walked towards school, not regarding the city around her. People passed by her, skyscrapers passed by her, but it was all just in her peripheral vision. She didn't notice any of it. They city just blurred into a big stream of grey at her sides. All she could think of was her disgust with herself, her impotence, the pointlessness of it all.
And there truly was no point to it anyway. She would just get blathered to by the teacher again. That had never mattered, but it was expected of her. It was all so irrelevant, all so revulsing. Her mind had been violated, her body had been torn and twisted and perverted, and now she was in school again. How could this all matter compared to what had been done to her? It seemed all so trivial, so absurdly petty, so completely detached from her own world.
And she just… she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. Didn't have the energy anymore. So she just shut off. Didn't regard any of the students around her. Didn't regard the teacher. Didn't even regard the classroom. They, too, passed just by her. She sat there and the world moved around her, a world she was no longer part of – a world that was completely alien to what she had been through, to what she was suffering. Had in fact always been completely alien. None of it mattered. Her presence was required, so she would sit there, but that was all she would do. That was all she could still do. Not that it was any important. All that was in her mind was what had been done to her, what she had gone through.
Break came and went, classes came and went, she just sat there, too revulsed by her own body, too preoccupied by what had been done by her mind, to have energy for anything else.
"Hey? Hey Asuka! Are you…" A pause. "You don't look so well. Maybe you should go home. Uh… Asuka. Asuka?"
Slowly, as if it were the heaviest thing in the world, Asuka turned her head. It was the day's second break and there was Kensuke standing right next to her desk. She felt uncomfortable. His presence was an intrusion. The thoughts of the angel fight, of what happened there, were still running in her head, on and on and on. She just couldn't deal with Kensuke right now.
"I… I take it the fight was bad?" Kensuke asked. "I managed to catch some, uh, unauthorized footage and…" He stopped, then looked down. "Just take care of yourself, Asuka."
Take care of myself… As if it were that easy! As if Kensuke had any idea what he was talking about! He and all the others, they were safe because they used her and the other pilots. They had no idea what it meant. They had cushy lives while the pilots suffered.
What she had gone through – how could anyone comprehend that? But she just nodded and turned her face away again.
"If there is anything I can do to… uh…" Kensuke stuttered. "I mean… just doesn't seem fair you have to carry all that burden…"
He was annoying. An intrusion into her thoughts. Her thoughts about her degradation, her torture and he… he just kept squeaking, tearing into those thoughts, annoying her. Like a puppy wanting attention. Something she would have to concern herself with, but she just didn't have the energy.
"I mean… I told you that after… afterwards I'd find a way to thank you, right? And the angel is destroyed, right? You won. Maybe we could go celebrate somewhere."
Asuka's thought froze. Celebrate? Now he wanted to celebrate as well? She had been willing to spend some minutes of attention on him, but a celebration? Of what, even? Of her violation?
"Get something to eat, uh, go to the arcade again maybe…"
Enough! Just stop, Ken! Why is he still here? She didn't want that. There was so much in her head, she couldn't entertain yappy puppies, no matter how cute they otherwise might be. And to be constantly torn out of her thoughts, to be constantly annoyed… anger began to rise in Asuka.
"Uh… Asuka?"
And he clearly awaited an answer. He wouldn't just go away. Why won't he just go away?
And that was the last straw.
She rose up, her chair falling over behind her. "Oh, shut up, Kensuke!" she shouted at him. "I have absolutely no intention to deal with you right now. Arcade! What fucking bullshit."
Suddenly, her thoughts disrupted, Asuka was aware again of her surroundings – Kensuke, the other students around her, the classroom. Complete silence had fallen over them all. Kensuke looked shocked… no, more, he looked hurt. And the other students stared at her like… like some dangerous but fascinating zoo animal.
It all became too much. All the idiots staring at her. Looking at Kensuke's pain. And realizing what she had just done, had just said. With an angry, hurt growl she grabbed her bag and ran outside. Fuck this. Fuck the school, fuck the students, fuck their stupid rules. She was in absolutely no mood for any of it at all. She had fucked it all up, and now she just wanted to leave, to flee, to bury herself in a deep, dark cave.
Not having such a cave in or near the city, she ran back to Misato's apartment. She ran and ran the entire way until she was panting and crying and still angry. She cursed the lack of European doors. Inside her room, she slid the door closed, and then in a fit of loud anger, she threw her cabinet in front of it, so that nobody would come in. Then she crawled into her futon. She closed her eyes and just wanted it all to go away, to sleep it all away, to hide from the world.
But no sleep came. Only tears.
Now she had truly lost it all. She was a disgusting, unlovable creature, just a tool NERV had used repeatedly, just a doll in the hands of that angel. She could never, ever be anything else than just that bitchy pilot; they had seen to it. She was a horrible creature. And the one guy who had put up with her, she had chased away now. What the fuck did she even still have?
Just more pain. Just more violations to come. Just disgust at herself. And nobody who would put up with her.
She didn't know how long she had lied there, buried under her futon, her clothes, her few plushies. She had made herself a veritable fortress, but now she just lay there and looked up to the ceiling, unable to shut the world, unable to deal with it. Her tears had dried. Nearby on the ground, within arm's reach, lay her Wonderswan. Even that provided no escape anymore. She couldn't escape this reality because she was too troubled to focus on the Wonderswan; she was too troubled to focus because she couldn't escape into her Wonderswan.
Everything was pointless. Everything was foreboding and crushing and oppressive. Everything was grey and hurting. She couldn't even gather any clear thought apart from that anymore.
So she also didn't know how much time had passed. She was exhausted after all the anger, all the crying, and had just watched as the light outside the window had shifted, but she couldn't tell what it meant – only that time had, in fact, passed.
Somebody knocked at the door.
Asuke tensed up. She didn't want that. She didn't want the world to intrude here. She didn't want to deal with anybody. Misato would try to appear all cheery again, as she always did, after every damn battle, as if Asuka's or Shinji's life had not just been on the line. But then, she had never truly cared anyway. Asuka, and Shinji and Rei and Mari as well, had always just been tools to her. And sure, why not give that tool a smile when that cost nothing, but beyond that…?
No, Asuka really didn't want to deal with that.
"Uh… Asuka…"
It was Shinji.
"Can I…"
"No." Asuka cut him off. It sounded hollow, but it was loud and clear.
"Uh, okay," Shinji conceded. "Uh… Misato will come as well. You know that." Asuka flinched. Of course she knew. There was a long pause. "I… can I at least bring you food later?"
Asuka blinked. Bring her food? She hadn't expected that. "Yes." It still sounded hollow, without emotion. Another pause followed. Finally, Asuka added. "Thanks, Shinji." That didn't sound much better.
"There is… there is something else," Shinji continued. "I… I have a note." Again, Asuka tensed up. She was about to say something, but then Shinji said, "I'll… I won't come in, don't worry. I guess I'll just slip it under the door."
Asuka heard the rustling of paper. And then, silence. Shinji was gone, it seemed. For what seemed further hours, Asuka continued lying on her futon. Outside, the light diminished. Finally, a certain curiosity won the upper hand, maybe a certain desire to do something. So, without standing up, she crawled forward from her futon, over the toppled wardrobe. And indeed, there it still was, a piece of paper right in front of the door, half buried by clothing.
For a moment, Asuka hesitated. Then she took it up.
She almost let it fall down again. It was from Kensuke. A wave of anxiety washed over her, almost like panic. She didn't want to… she didn't want to be confronted with what she had done. She had fucked up, and this was just a further nail hammered into her, hammering that fact home. A document of her failure.
However, she had already begun reading it, and on the contrary, what it said…
"Hello, Asuka. I'm sorry about today. I know it's the piloting. You protected us all; you don't deserve any of this. Just tell me once you feel better again, or if there is anything I can do to help. We will do whatever you want. Until then, I guess I'll just wait.
-Kensuke."
Asuka's right hand trembled. Again tears began to form in her eyes, as she felt she was given a grace she didn't deserve.
Shinji's mood was gloomy. He sat upright on his futon and looked at the small digital clock next to it: 8 AM, on a Saturday morning. Without the clock, he could lose all feeling for time in this small, windowless room, where the all too yellow light of an open light bulb shone no matter whether day or night.
He got up from the futon. Two days ago, the angel had attacked. Yesterday, he had once again gone to school as if nothing had happened. And today… he would have to use the weekend to gather all his belongings and pack them up. He soon would be leaving for good.
Head hanging low, he lurched to the kitchen. Nobody else was awake yet, as usual. The thought had a certain sting to it: "As usual". He had gotten used to this apartment. Soon, this would all have been for naught. He balled his hands into fist. He shouldn't feel bad. It had all just been an illusion anyway. If he hadn't quit, he'd be rotting in a prison cell now – as yet another thank you for having saved the world. That was the truth, what the truth had always been.
And yet…
Almost mechanically, he began fixing up a warm breakfast. All the movements were by now well known to him; it was almost automatic, while he brooded over his melancholic thoughts.
After he was finished, he wrapped up one bowl in tinfoil, to keep it warm. Then he gently put it in front of Asuka's door. When he straightened up again, he was looking Misato in the face. The Colonel's look was stern and undecipherable; her right hand held her left elbow. For almost a minute, neither side said a word.
It was Shinji who flinched first. He looked away and down. But he managed to get out, "You should leave her alone."
"That won't be possible forever," Misato replied, her voice bar any emotion or expression.
Again, Shinji balled his hands into fists. Again he furrowed his brows. What Misato had said was true. They needed the pilots, after all. And it seemed that was all that mattered to them. He wanted to reply something, anything, but no words came. Instead, he just turned his head to face her again, and kept staring at her. This time, it was her who looked away.
The tension became too much for Shinji. He stepped past Misato, back into the kitchen, towards the apartment door. He put on his shoes.
"Where are you going?" Misato asked, voice still carefully neutral.
Shinji stood up again, his back to the Colonel. He didn't answer. Then he stepped outside.
The cicadas' day long cacophony was already sounding from every patch of grass, while the air was quickly heated up by the eternal summer sun. Shinji just walked past them, his body stiff, his hands in his pockets, his view downcast. There was so much unrest in him, so much… he didn't have a word for it. So much discontent, so much resentment, so much frustration at his inability to change things. He had never belonged here. He should never have come. The time his head had gotten smashed in, the time his chest had gotten pierced through, the time he had been boiled alive – ultimately, it had all been for utterly nothing. It would have been the better choice to simply leave from the start. So much pain he had gone through, and all because he couldn't have said no earlier.
And after all that, he still wasn't able to change a damn thing. His stay in Tokyo-3 had been terrible, one traumatic experience after the next, without him getting anything to show for it… but he had also made friends here. He had a flatmate who was surprisingly tolerable. And then there was Rei…
…and all of that he would lose now, and only keep the memory of the pain. It didn't matter a damn thing that he had piloted for them all, had done so over and over again just as they had told him to. Despite that, he would lose the cherished few good things he had found in this city.
Ayanami…
He had never felt so peaceful, so soothed, and so just quietly content as in her presence. It helped that she was easy on the eye: Her lithe form, her enigmatic red eyes, the alabaster face. But it went beyond just those things. He felt connected to Rei, driven towards her. She had been not only the one bright spot here in Tokyo-3 – but honestly, in a lifetime of isolation and loneliness.
Rei… An overwhelming desire to see her welled up in him. He had to settle matters with her before he would leave.
The cicadas' cacophony fell silent as he approached the condemned highrises in Tokyo-3's west end. Despite how early in the day it was, temperatures were already becoming uncomfortable here. There were no patches of grass, no parks, no unbuilt areas, just an all-covering layer of asphalt reflecting the sun's heat. And, of course, there was the noise. The wrecking crews had already started their work again.
Shinji still felt a bit uneasy going up the stairs to Rei's level of the highrise. There was trash everywhere, the walls were stark and ugly, and some corners just reeked. And yet, the place also had something very comfortable about it. He had only ever passed these images of filth when he was on his way to Rei. That was a very positive association.
He breathed out as he stood in front of Rei's door. First, because he had just climbed all those stairs and second because, well… He hesitated. He had come because he needed to settle matters with Rei, but now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. He had no idea what he should tell her. In fact, he suddenly realized that after all that Rei had done for him, he really shouldn't bother her with that stuff. It was bad enough what he thought of the girl sometimes, what visions about what he wanted to do with her were sometimes in his head, disgusting things just because she had paid some attention to him – but at least that was indeed just in his head, well sealed up. No need to push this on Rei, just for his own selfish desire to "settle matters". He was putting his own comfort over Rei's needs, yet again.
He turned around again, and slowly walked away from the door. He felt a strange sort of relief; he had given up now, so he wouldn't actually have to face Rei, wouldn't need to find the right words, wouldn't need risking matters. However, he felt disgusted at this relief. He was giving up again.
He stopped. His mouth began moving, first just as a grimace, then muttering.
"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..."
In a sudden motion, he turned around again, took a large step back to the door, and knocked. Then he stopped, terrified at his own action.
He was still half frozen in shock when the door opened. Rei was now standing right in front of him, wearing a school uniform, her eyes slightly widened in surprise, her head tilted. Shinji gulped. That view, and her alabaster skin and that unfathomable aura of serenity around her… she was adorable. And desirable. Shinji had to admit as much to himself at least. But he couldn't burden her with that.
Both of them just stood there in quiet surprise, neither side saying anything. Even though it should have been a tense moment, Shinji's heart had begun to slow down as soon as he had caught sight of Rei. There still was a knot in his chest, but he felt… safe. Content, even.
But there was always this nagging feeling that he didn't deserve this contentment. He just took and took and took from Rei, without giving back – or at least, certainly, without giving nearly an equivalent amount back.
So he let his head hang low. "I'm sorry. It was rude to bother you."
He slowly turned around in order to lurch away. He had screwed it up again.
Behind him, he could hear Rei's soft voice. "Too short…"
Reflexively, Shinji stopped. He had no idea what the blue-haired girl meant. He looked back over his shoulder. "Hm?"
"It doesn't matter," she declared. Then she hesitated. "But your presence here was too short."
That took Shinji by surprise. "Ah… uh…" He turned around. "What do you m… why?"
"I like being in your presence."
Another shock. And this one… Shinji had a feeling right then, as if something was squeezing his chest. His heart began beating faster. He refused to think about what Rei had just said; clearly that couldn't mean anything.
He opened and closed his hands. "I…" He breathed out, sounding defeated. "I soon won't be here anymore."
"Yes," Rei merely confirmed.
The two stood there, five metres apart, looking at each other, not finding the words. Rei stared intensely at Shinji, as if waiting for something, but there was just nothing he could say. He felt his heart bursting, from all the emotions inside him, all the feelings that he couldn't show – feelings of tenderness towards Rei, an inarticulate urge to hold her, the genuine desire to be close to her… to the one person around whom he didn't need to be on the lookout for the next bad thing to happen.
His whole life had been like this. When he was around people, he always expected them to tell him they don't like him, or that they needed him for something unpleasant, or that they would just leave him – or that they would tell him the next bad news: That his father didn't want him anymore, that he now had to suffer pain and fear of death, that he would be thrown in jail. That was what being around people was like for Shinji, always waiting for the next hammer to drop.
Only Rei… Rei was different. He had a connection with her, somehow. Around her, he was calm, relaxed, without fears or tension. Not that it mattered – he would soon be gone, anyway.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't quite know what for; surely everybody would be better off without him here. But it wasn't by their choice; it was him who had fucked up.
"It can't be helped," Rei said monotonically. An immense feeling of loss and longing overcame Shinji in that instant. It again took some seconds of silence before Rei spoke again. "You now will never have to pilot again."
A bitter, almost angry smile appeared on Shinji's face. That was true enough. But he could have had that by just saying no, and now he was simply kicked out.
He breathed in. So he might as well say it now. Right here, in front of Rei's apartment door. "There is… Ayanami, there is only one thing I regret. That I… that I will have to leave…" His voice began failing him. "...you." It was only a squeak anymore.
"Oh." Rei blinked. Patches of subdued red spread on her cheeks. She looked dumbfounded. It was utterly adorable. "I..." She stopped, and then fell into her usual monotone again, soft and comforting. "I will regret that as well."
"And I'll leave next Thursday at the latest," Shinji muttered darkly.
There was yet more silence. Finally, Rei spoke. "Come in."
"Huh?" Shinji was unsure what she meant. A slight redness crept into his face. This was sudden and blunt.
"If we only have until Thursday, we should spend as much time together as possible," Rei stated, in her soft, monotone and as far as Shinji was concerned adorable voice.
"I... I suppose that's true," Shinji answered. A small, melancholic smile appeared on Shinji's face, breaking through the embarrassment. "So, uh..." He breathed out, still feeling nervous. "Sorry for the intrusion?"
And with those idiomatic words he walked into the apartment, after Rei had stepped aside. He looked a bit dismayed at the dirty dishes gathering up in the sink again, and a heap of food wrappings built up in one specific corner of her sleeping room. It was not nearly as bad as back before he had come to help clean up the room and paint the walls, but... it really seemed to be getting that way again. Then again, who was he to judge? He had far worse faults.
And does it matter? I'll soon be gone. I tried to help here, but like everything else I do, it soon will become irrelevant.
He tried to feel self-pity, but he noticed that there was also a hinge of concern. It was sad because the thought of Rei once again living in filth was sad. What happened to him was not that important; he wasn't worth concern anyway – but Rei shouldn't be living like that...
Rei sat down on her bed. Shinji automatically wanted to go to the chair standing in front of her desk... only to notice that, apparently in keeping with the general sense of decay around it, it had broken down, with one of its legs severed from it. Shinji looked at Rei, unsure where else to go. She merely tilted her head, apparently not catching his meaning. After a while, she just patted the place next to her on the bed.
Shinji gulped, but then sat down next to her. The mattress bent down slightly under their combined weight. He noticed that he was now sitting much closer to Rei than he had intended. It was...
...not bad, all things considered. His face was flushed but it was a pleasant heat; his heart was beating faster, but it was an enjoyable, simple excitement. He realized he just liked being next to Rei.
For several minutes, the two just sat there in warm silence. There was nothing that really needed to be said; it was enough to be in each other's company. Shinji sighed contentedly.
"I never had this before," Rei whispered.
Shinji turned his head to her. On the side of her face, he saw the tiniest amount of red on her cheek and the corner of her mouth ever so slightly drawn upwards. He liked that. "What… what do you mean, Ayanami?"
Now she turned her head as well and gazed at him with this serious, calm, serene look of hers. Shinji was captivated. "You're the first person I've met who has ever truly noticed me. Only the Commander… but it's different with him. He pays attention to me because he needs me. You're the first person who has noticed me just so."
Heat rose in Shinji's head and he was pretty sure he was blushing heavily. His answer was more murmured than spoken. "You… youdeservetobenoticed." Then he smiled sadly and looked down. "In truth, it's me who… I've been wondering why you pay so much attention to me. Helped me so much. I mean, I'm not…" He shook his head. "Not a good person."
"I don't know," Rei admitted. Shinji's heart clenched together, and he felt as if he had just been kicked right into it. "I can't explain it. There are many things about myself that I don't understand. But when I am around you, I feel good. I want to help you, because that feels good as well. I like the feeling I have when you smile, even though I cannot explain it."
Shinji's eyes, still looking down, went wide. "Ah… Ayanami... "
"I think…" Rei continued. "...I just like helping you or being helped by you or having you around me."
There was a long silence, a more awkward one than before. Shinji did not dare look up. Finally, he managed to say, "I… I feel the same way, Ayanami."
"Yes," Rei said. "That is what I don't understand. Nobody else feels that way about me. Even the Commander just takes what I do for granted. Only you… I don't understand."
Shinji was nonplussed. "What do you mean? What is there not to understand? You… you… you have always been there for me, ever since I came to this city. You promised to protect me. You piloted, so that I don't need to." He breathed out. Now that he had talked himself into a bit of a frenzy, there was no stopping. "You piloted, so that I don't need to. You're… you're a wonderful person, Ayanami. A truly wonderful person."
Rei looked down again, but this time both her blush and her smile were more pronounced. Shinji didn't know what to make of it, how he should act now, what he should say now, but he desperately didn't want this moment to end - this instant of content closeness and heart-flutter.
Finally, Rei spoke up again, almost in a whisper. "I also like this. Being so close to you. I… I like it."
"...yes," was all that Shinji could do to answer.
"Shikinami told me that feeling that I'm feeling… that we're maybe both feeling… is love," Rei stated.
Shinji gulped hard, his eyes wide as saucers. Then he caught himself again. There was no sense of running away on his mind. Not here. "I… I suppose… I suppose it could be."
Love? Was that it? Was that what he had been feeling for Rei all the time? Of course it is, you idiot. He could almost hear his thoughts in Asuka's voice. But… that prospect was surprisingly non-threatening. Yes, yes, he loved Rei. He probably had for a while. But it appeared that wasn't a bad thing, wasn't a thing he needed to fear.
"What does that mean?" Rei asked.
"W-well… just as you said," Shinji answered. I'm really not the right person to ask about love… but it wasn't like that he could deny any request or question from Rei. "That we…" He gulped. "That we both want to be close to each other. Ah… to be around each other but also… uh… physically close." His voice betrayed him there again, ending up as a squeak at the end.
"Ah. Yes," Rei agreed. "That is true. I do want that." She laid a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "I remember our hug. I liked that. I have thought a lot about that since then." Now, finally, Shinji's red face began to glow red like a tomato. He had as well.
Rei looked at him with those crystal-clear red eyes, those utterly fascinating eyes in an often stern, yet lovely face. Shinj, once again, didn't know what to do, but it didn't matter. It was not like he was about to protest…
...and then she pushed him down on the bed, both her hands on both his shoulders, her on top of him at first, but then sliding down next to him. One of her arms remained below him, just below the shoulder, one rested on him. Again, they were looking into each other's eyes.
That alabaster face… the sharp lines of it, like a painting or a statue… the attractive blue hair… those captivatingly unique eyes… and most of all, that aura of serenity and security around. And that mouth. That lovely mouth, almost fey-like delicate as all her features.
A face as if made for gentle, tender touches, for soft strokes of the finger. Very carefully, as if not to break that fragile beauty in front of him, Shinji laid a hand on her cheek, just in front of her ear, and began to slowly stroke her hair.
She smiled.
Shinji moved his head closer to hers, so close now. Only millimeters apart. And then, their mouths met.
Asuka hated this. She hated it all: The dark room, her inactivity, how she felt. She didn't want to be here, isolated and removed from the world, but she also could not not be. She hated how nothing happened here, how she was stuck in here doing nothing at all, but that was also why she remained here: "Nothing" was still better than everything that had happened to her outside. She couldn't go there. She just couldn't. It was better to remain here like dead than risk the outside. And so Asuka was stuck, and she hated that.
But most of all, she hated the passage of time. Time just went on and on mercilessly, with no respite for her. There was no break from it for her, no pause where she could just lick her wounds and do nothing. Another day, with the world outside the curtain getting brighter again. Another afternoon, with the brightness dying down. Another night, with no light outside, while the light bulb in her room was running constantly. And eventually, she would have to fight again.
Once, she had looked forward to that. Once, she had believed that this would be the payoff for everything she had endured and been made to do during her childhood. Years of extra work, years of invasive tests and studies, years of having no other choice - and without anybody ever showing the least amount of gratitude or remorse about that. She had thought that here in Japan, after she had fought and won, here she would finally be vindicated - that here, people would finally respect her for her strength, her talent, her victories, would look up to her, would cheer her.
Instead, she lay in this darkened room, didn't even want to move and hated the passage of time.
"Why me…"
It was a soft whisper, but it carried the sum total of her desperation. Why was it her who had to lead that life? Destined to be a pilot since four years of age, pushed around, prodded, with no input by herself - only to then be shoved out to fight monsters, only to have her body violated and her mind raped, only to be taken for granted. Hikari wasn't leading such a life. Kensuke and Touji weren't leading such lives. It was only her, Asuka. And nobody even cared!
It was all so unjust. She didn't want this. She didn't want this life. She had gone through it thinking that, ultimately, it would pay off, that, in the end, people would finally respect her and cheer her. They all had made her believe that. And it had been a lie. It had only served to make her continue this miserable life, this unfair life.
And it wasn't like she could do anything about it. That was also something they had made sure of: Piloting was all she had. Without it, she was nothing - less than nothing, as without it she was just a hostile, stand-offish bitch. She had to pilot. She had to continue this wretched life. All she could do was lie here in semi-darkness and hope it wouldn't come knocking again all too soon.
It was unjust. And there was no way out.
As they always did, those thoughts continued circling in her head. It was not like she had anything better to do. She lay on her futon, and thought crawled through her head at a glacial speed. Hours could pass with her only half aware of her surroundings. She liked it that way. She didn't really want to be a part of this reality.
The light outside had begun to dim already when there was an intrusion into her thoughts - a knock at the door. She hated that as well. The outside world came calling. Even if it wasn't Misato and the next fight… everything else was just so trivial, so unimportant. She didn't have the energy to care for what her or Shinji had to say, when thoughts about her mind rape went through her head. It was all so banal!
"It… it's me, Asuka." Shinji. Well, it was better than Misato. "I brought you food."
As he always did, two times a day. Misato never entered, never knocked. She was somewhat sure Shinji had ensured that, and on some level she was grateful, but… she really didn't have the mental energy for gratitude anymore.
"Hm," she just answered. Then she sighed. There was no helping it. She needed food, after all. She didn't want to starve herself. She did want life, just…
...just not this one.
Slowly, unwillingly, Asuka got up from her futon. She knew her hair and her clothes were a mess and that she needed a shower, but she didn't care. She stepped in front of the door, but even then it took another ten seconds before she slid it open. With her face being an iron mask, she looked at Shinji, who was holding a plate with food on it.
Without saying anything, without an expression on her face, she just took the plate and slid the door shut again. She hated herself for how ingrateful she was, but she just… she couldn't face people right now. Even just these little transfers were almost too much for her.
Shinji's voice came through the door. "Ah… Asuka. You know I'll be gone soon.They say now I should leave on Saturday. Asuka… what will you do then?"
Asuka balled one hand into a fist. She noticed she was beginning to shake. She didn't want to think about what was to come, about the outside world… didn't want to think at all. She put the plate on the ground, and then slid down the door.
"Why do you care?" she asked. "That's my business, isn't it?" She hated how bitchy that sounded, but… letting Shinji see how she was truly feeling would be yet another humiliation.
"I… I guess so," Shinji answered. He sounded sad. "I guess… I guess soon it won't matter for me anyway." A pause. "Do you want to stay in there forever?" It seemed to be a genuine question, asked with genuine curiosity rather than judgement.
"Maybe," Asuka answered defiantly, a defiance she wasn't really feeling. She realized she wouldn't be able to, but as long as she could, she wanted to pretend to. She wasn't sure if Shinji was still there when she spoke up again. "It's easy for you."
"...what do you mean?" Shinji asked.
"You were picked up from the street in order to pilot," Asuka explained. "But at least you had a life before it. Something you can return to now. And you took the easy way out as soon as you could, anyway."
It took some time until Shinji replied. "Y-yeah. True. I'm sorry about that."
Asuka scoffed. "If only some other people were sorry as well."
"But… uh… I… I did return to fight, didn't I?" Shinji tried to defend himself.
"Yes." Asuka's voice was empty of all emotions. "You got back in the entry plug. But you didn't get hurt. You just got to hug my unit, and that was all. All because you actually had the sense to stand up for yourself."
"Asuka…" Shinji sounded concerned.
"Please go now," she told him.
Shinji told himself to stop worrying. After all, he would soon be gone from here anyway. He would never see Asuka again, most likely. Their lives had only briefly intersected for two months or so, and now would depart again. He could still help her now, but ultimately, he wouldn't be able to anyway. And he really should use the short time remaining to him for better things, like spending it with Rei.
But it wasn't that easy to stop worrying.
The truth was, he kinda liked Asuka. Despite her constant stand-offishness, she was actually rather easy to get along with. Most of the time, she had just left him alone. Unlike Misato, she wasn't that needy for company or so disorganized that she'd need cleaning after. She did expect not to be bothered, not to get disturbed in her sphere of privacy, but in return she also didn't bother others or disturbed their privacy. Or at least, most of the time.
Shinji had come to genuinely like that arrangement. One could talk with Asuka, even deep and meaningful talks like the one after her second angel fight here - but she wasn't pushy, and one could also always keep a safe distance. And he had come to like what she had to say, like how she had never put up with Misato's crap at home. And her stand-offish cynicism, well, the more time passed on, the more it seemed to Shinji she had the right with that after all.
He liked Asuka. He liked the temporary foster sister he had for a while. And now, she had barricaded herself in her room for three days straight already.
Misato still sat in the kitchen, staring down at the remains of her ready meal, and said nothing. In fact, she had remained silent through-out, and had been so nearly all day. There wasn't much talking going on anymore in the household. Shinji would remain silent or look away when Misato tried to talk to him. Eventually, she had gotten the hint, and she also stayed away from Asuka. The atmosphere in the household had been crushing over the last few days, but Shinji preferred it over the alternative.
She would have seen me locked up like I'm some kind of criminal…
Even after everything, there was a sad pang in his heart. Did she ever truly care about me? He had thought that maybe Misato wasn't so bad, that, certainly, living with her hadn't been once he didn't have to pilot anymore… but now he realized that all had only been a fantasy. She still was the Operative Director of NERV, Asuka still was a pilot and Shinji, for now, still was a reserve pilot. Was I ever only a pilot to her? Nothing more?
He just couldn't keep up any false friendliness or cheeriness anymore. All that had happened was that the truth had been revealed; everything before that had just been a lie.
Misato avoided eye contact as Shinji walked past her to the apartment's entrance. On the one hand, that suited him just fine, but on the other hand… She used me, and now that I won't serve as her tool anymore, she is hiding from me. It was cowardly and self-serving and Shinji resented Misato for it.
He put on his shoes and walked out of the apartment without saying anything.
He didn't want to waste his precious few remaining time in Tokyo-3 on thinking about Misato, on the anger boiling inside him or even on worrying about Asuka. He only had a few days before he would have to leave. So what he really wanted was to spend as much time as possible together with Rei.
And, unbelievably, entirely wonderfully, Rei seemed to feel the same. They had even agreed to meet again in her apartment.
It should have been a time of wide-eyed wonder and amazement. Nobody had ever told Shinji they liked to have him around. Nobody had ever told him they were glad when he smiled, or when they just could talk to him. And Rei had even spoken about love. Love! Shinji hardly had any idea what this meant, but his heart was fluttering now when he just thought of the blue-haired girl.
Instead, it was a time of melancholy. The two would enjoy what little time they still had together, and then Shinji would leave. A short spring, to be followed by a return to his eternal winter. He desperately wanted to stay close to Rei now, to be as much in her presence as possible…
...to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her....
That also was a whole new world for Shinji, and he had quickly discovered that he couldn't get enough of it. Just the physical contact, closeness in both body and spirit, skin on skin, her graceful touch… it was a whole new universe of experiences for Shinji, and he craved ever more of it.
Strangely, while those images made his heart beat faster and caused heat to spread in his face, they weren't a source of shame for him anymore. Rei wanted this as well! Rei had even initiated that at times! It was unbelievable. It was a miracle.
...it soon would be over.
So as Shinji walked the streets of Tokyo-3, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings: All the work crews repairing buildings, the chattering people on the boardwalk, many of them students his age just going home from school, the cars and trains and busses and of course the inevitable cicadas just going on and on with their noises. He longed to be at Rei's apartment already, but he also dreaded it - sort of like he was using up an irreplaceable reservoir of something precious. Of course, that was silly - time would go on no matter where he was. But being in Rei's company meant being confronted with that fact.
But still, it was better to have worries and be comforted by her graceful arms than to sit at home and shut the worries out. And even more importantly, for whatever inexplicable reason, Rei felt the same about him, liked being in his arms. And she deserved feeling nice. There was still much about her he didn't understand, but the few glimpses he had gotten into her life had revealed a very dark picture.
He smiled as he walked up the dirty stairs of the nearly entirely abandoned building where Rei lived. It didn't bother him. It was good, even, because it meant soon he would be with Rei.
To his surprise, he caught the blue-haired girl just as she was stepping out of her apartment's door.
"Uh, Ayanami…" Shinji began, unsure what to say.
"I am sorry," she apologized. "We cannot meet today. The Commander has called me in for tests at headquarters on short notice."
"But… we… we agreed!" Shinji stuttered. "That we'd meet every day. Today. And we have so few times left."
"I know," Rei said, and it sounded genuinely sad. But then she just walked past Shinji, down the stairs.
The city's lights were gradually turning off one street after the other as the sun laggardly began to rise over the grey skyscrapers. Morning sunshine began to fill the still mostly empty streets, and life slowly started anew: A bakery lifting its shutters, a cleaning crew going over a sidewalk, the first few cars.
Of course, that was not the only thing Vice Commander Fuyutsuki saw from the backseat of his black and inconspicuous Section 2 car. In some streets, morning activity consisted of construction workers removing rubble, dust and parts of destroyed buildings. Even while one could see the first students on the sidewalk, chattering excitedly with each other and laughing, and some few salary men hurrying towards an extra early start into the workday, entire building blocks of the city were now missing, reduced to nothing more than heaps of rubble.
Man fears the night, so he surrounds himself in a cordon of delusion. Even now, life goes on. The city can never come to a rest.
These days, Fuyutsuki knew the true history behind cities and fire and all the other tools to keep the night at bay. Human civilization had always ever gone according to their plan: The beings known as Apkallu in the depth of history, and these days as SEELE, even if their seven voices had long since fallen silent. After all, matters were developing according to their plan; they didn't need to speak up anymore. That was why the Vice Commander could not look at cities anymore and see communities or marvels of architecture and logistics or centres of society, technology and commerce. Such an innocent marvel was lost by gaining knowledge. Cities were and had always been engines, devices to propel mankind forward towards its long since planned final destination.
And for no city was that truer than Tokyo-3, the city built for a single purpose. We're in the final chapter. Sometimes Fuyutsuki wondered if Shinji knew the lengths they had gone to for his sake. True, the city also provided a logistics base for NERV, but they could have gone about matters in a very different way. They could have established a military base here, with fortifications and logistics facilities. Ultimately, the primary reason for Tokyo-3's existence had been the need for a city for Shinji to come to, so that he would fulfil his designated role.
Of course, currently the prospects for that were shakier than they had ever been in Commander Ikari's plans.
As the car entered a NERV underground garage with access to the Geofront, Fuyutsuki furrowed his brows. This would be a problem in more than one regard. The Commander, usually an example of pragmatic ruthlessness, had a tendency to become completely irrational when it came to his son. What was more, if things didn't go his way for once, he could develop… obsessions. The next angel would be critical, Fuyutsuki knew that. The Scrolls had preciously little information on it. A Commander focused on other matters just wouldn't do now.
After all, their plans would come to naught if the world were destroyed.
Fuyutsuki grabbed his briefcase and exited the car, walking towards the Geofront's ropeway. No, they really needed to prepare for that next angel. Shinji would have to be dealt with in a calmer manner.
There were only a few people in the NERV Headquarters building. The night shift officially only ended in half an hour. The few people he did meet on the corridors bowed in greeting, a gesture he always returned, naturally with a bow slightly less low. As far as Fuyutsuki was concerned, it was important to uphold decorum even in these times.
Man has come so far on his trajectory. Let us not fall back to the level of animals just now, when we are so close to ascending as gods.
He stopped a moment in front of the Commander's office. The door was appropriately large, and the room behind it gigantic. It wasn't just a matter of psychology, of course: The runes in the room weren't exactly there for decoration purposes. If worse came to worst, that room would be the last safe place in the whole headquarters. And it also was the heart of the entire building, of the entire organization: The place where all the data came together, the place from which they could reach everywhere that was in NERV's grasp – which was pretty much the whole world.
Fuyustuki snorted. But leave it to Ikari to make everything just a matter of intimidation. Fuyutsuki had come to learn that the Commander knew no other way. Class shows. He still is a thug.
He opened the door… and raised an eyebrow. Ikari was already there, sitting at his desk, fingers steepled, his gaze directed right at Fuyutsuki. That was unusual. Normally, the Vice Commander came in first.
However, Fuyutsuki had long since learned to ignore the Commander's intense stare. He simply took off his coat and walked over to his usual place near Ikari's desk, as if nothing were the matter. For several minutes, there was nothing but dead silence as Fuyutsuki went through several official letters.
"You openly contradicted me."
Ah yes. There it was. Fuyutsuki had known that the Commander would bring it up eventually. He turned around to face him.
"I did what was necessary to salvage the situation," Fuyutsuki told him calmly while laying down the letters on the small, round table in front of him.
"That was not the plan," Gendo insisted. "You acted without authorization."
Now Fuyutsuki's voice got sharper. "The plan was already derailed." It had been quite a simple plan, really. Shinji's open defiance of orders had given them a handle on him. So the idea had been to throw in the brig for a week or two… but then 'commute' the sentence once he agreed to sign up as a full pilot again. "But you couldn't handle that your own son defeated you in a test of authority. Instead of adapting, as you always do, you'd nearly have ruined the Scenario. You're acting irrationally around that boy, Ikari!"
The problem was that Shinji at that point had already quit, before they could have made their threats. Throwing him in the brig would probably only have hardened his resolve at that point, especially after that show of support by Asuka – whom they would have lost then as well. And they needed Shinji back in the entry plug. All their efforts were aimed towards that goal. Threatening him was only productive if it would actually make him a full pilot again – not if it were to actually stoke up his defiance.
Usually, Commander Ikari was quite proficient at adapting to new situations, especially in dealing with other people. Circumstances, personal quirks and eccentricities, emotions, those were all just factors to be considered and, if possible, exploited, nothing more. That was how Ikari usually conducted negotiations. But when it came to his son…
So far, the Commander had just looked straight ahead, his face behind those damnable steepled fingers. Now he turned his head around to look Fuyutsuki straight in the face. Sounding almost reasonable, he replied, "It wasn't irrational. Shinji put Unit 01 at risk."
Fuyutsuki suppressed grimacing at it. "And you don't think your… attachment to that particular unit might cloud your judgement there? Face it. If we want to reach our goals, if we want to ascend to godhood, then Shinji has to pilot that Unit. That's why she went into that Evangelion in the first place! Only her son can unlock her full potential! Wasn't that the whole reason you fathered him? So we need to ensure that he will, whatever it takes."
"That's what I plan to do," Gendo told him. "While you are too soft with him."
Fuyutsuki smiled lopsidedly. "For you, 'whatever it takes' has always meant ruthlessness and 'hard decisions'. But this time, it may mean humility. Can you do that, Ikari?"
Mornings. Asuka had always hated mornings. Yet another day, yet another effort, having to go through so much bullshit. She hated every new day. She hated her life. She hadn't noticed it, not for a long time, but she had for years already.
But now… now it didn't even register. Light shone into Asuka's room and she felt nothing. A new day, another torture, but it didn't even matter. It would always stay this way. Nothing would ever change. It was just how it was. She rose from her futon.
All she was currently feeling was disgust. The way her mind had been invaded, her body had been torn and twisted and molded, the way the angel had held complete power over her… and she hadn't been able to do anything about it. She had been shoved into this combat, just expected to do her job. She had been infested and controlled and perverted. She had been pushed into quarantine afterwards. And she had always been powerless to do anything.
It was a feeling that even now just wouldn't go away. Her mind, her body, her very being had been violated. She felt unclean. She felt worthless. She had always been worthless. This was her life,and it would only ever go on and on like this.
She just didn't have the energy anymore. She just couldn't continue fighting. Not after this. In truth, not after all those years of her young life, but especially not after this. She just couldn't. It was all too much. So she just went into the kitchen in a daze. She didn't respond when Shinji greeted her, while Misato looked away from her. She didn't even take breakfast. She just… didn't feel like it. She just put on her shoes and went outside. Like a doll on a string she walked towards school, not regarding the city around her. People passed by her, skyscrapers passed by her, but it was all just in her peripheral vision. She didn't notice any of it. They city just blurred into a big stream of grey at her sides. All she could think of was her disgust with herself, her impotence, the pointlessness of it all.
And there truly was no point to it anyway. She would just get blathered to by the teacher again. That had never mattered, but it was expected of her. It was all so irrelevant, all so revulsing. Her mind had been violated, her body had been torn and twisted and perverted, and now she was in school again. How could this all matter compared to what had been done to her? It seemed all so trivial, so absurdly petty, so completely detached from her own world.
And she just… she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. Didn't have the energy anymore. So she just shut off. Didn't regard any of the students around her. Didn't regard the teacher. Didn't even regard the classroom. They, too, passed just by her. She sat there and the world moved around her, a world she was no longer part of – a world that was completely alien to what she had been through, to what she was suffering. Had in fact always been completely alien. None of it mattered. Her presence was required, so she would sit there, but that was all she would do. That was all she could still do. Not that it was any important. All that was in her mind was what had been done to her, what she had gone through.
Break came and went, classes came and went, she just sat there, too revulsed by her own body, too preoccupied by what had been done by her mind, to have energy for anything else.
"Hey? Hey Asuka! Are you…" A pause. "You don't look so well. Maybe you should go home. Uh… Asuka. Asuka?"
Slowly, as if it were the heaviest thing in the world, Asuka turned her head. It was the day's second break and there was Kensuke standing right next to her desk. She felt uncomfortable. His presence was an intrusion. The thoughts of the angel fight, of what happened there, were still running in her head, on and on and on. She just couldn't deal with Kensuke right now.
"I… I take it the fight was bad?" Kensuke asked. "I managed to catch some, uh, unauthorized footage and…" He stopped, then looked down. "Just take care of yourself, Asuka."
Take care of myself… As if it were that easy! As if Kensuke had any idea what he was talking about! He and all the others, they were safe because they used her and the other pilots. They had no idea what it meant. They had cushy lives while the pilots suffered.
What she had gone through – how could anyone comprehend that? But she just nodded and turned her face away again.
"If there is anything I can do to… uh…" Kensuke stuttered. "I mean… just doesn't seem fair you have to carry all that burden…"
He was annoying. An intrusion into her thoughts. Her thoughts about her degradation, her torture and he… he just kept squeaking, tearing into those thoughts, annoying her. Like a puppy wanting attention. Something she would have to concern herself with, but she just didn't have the energy.
"I mean… I told you that after… afterwards I'd find a way to thank you, right? And the angel is destroyed, right? You won. Maybe we could go celebrate somewhere."
Asuka's thought froze. Celebrate? Now he wanted to celebrate as well? She had been willing to spend some minutes of attention on him, but a celebration? Of what, even? Of her violation?
"Get something to eat, uh, go to the arcade again maybe…"
Enough! Just stop, Ken! Why is he still here? She didn't want that. There was so much in her head, she couldn't entertain yappy puppies, no matter how cute they otherwise might be. And to be constantly torn out of her thoughts, to be constantly annoyed… anger began to rise in Asuka.
"Uh… Asuka?"
And he clearly awaited an answer. He wouldn't just go away. Why won't he just go away?
And that was the last straw.
She rose up, her chair falling over behind her. "Oh, shut up, Kensuke!" she shouted at him. "I have absolutely no intention to deal with you right now. Arcade! What fucking bullshit."
Suddenly, her thoughts disrupted, Asuka was aware again of her surroundings – Kensuke, the other students around her, the classroom. Complete silence had fallen over them all. Kensuke looked shocked… no, more, he looked hurt. And the other students stared at her like… like some dangerous but fascinating zoo animal.
It all became too much. All the idiots staring at her. Looking at Kensuke's pain. And realizing what she had just done, had just said. With an angry, hurt growl she grabbed her bag and ran outside. Fuck this. Fuck the school, fuck the students, fuck their stupid rules. She was in absolutely no mood for any of it at all. She had fucked it all up, and now she just wanted to leave, to flee, to bury herself in a deep, dark cave.
Not having such a cave in or near the city, she ran back to Misato's apartment. She ran and ran the entire way until she was panting and crying and still angry. She cursed the lack of European doors. Inside her room, she slid the door closed, and then in a fit of loud anger, she threw her cabinet in front of it, so that nobody would come in. Then she crawled into her futon. She closed her eyes and just wanted it all to go away, to sleep it all away, to hide from the world.
But no sleep came. Only tears.
Now she had truly lost it all. She was a disgusting, unlovable creature, just a tool NERV had used repeatedly, just a doll in the hands of that angel. She could never, ever be anything else than just that bitchy pilot; they had seen to it. She was a horrible creature. And the one guy who had put up with her, she had chased away now. What the fuck did she even still have?
Just more pain. Just more violations to come. Just disgust at herself. And nobody who would put up with her.
She didn't know how long she had lied there, buried under her futon, her clothes, her few plushies. She had made herself a veritable fortress, but now she just lay there and looked up to the ceiling, unable to shut the world, unable to deal with it. Her tears had dried. Nearby on the ground, within arm's reach, lay her Wonderswan. Even that provided no escape anymore. She couldn't escape this reality because she was too troubled to focus on the Wonderswan; she was too troubled to focus because she couldn't escape into her Wonderswan.
Everything was pointless. Everything was foreboding and crushing and oppressive. Everything was grey and hurting. She couldn't even gather any clear thought apart from that anymore.
So she also didn't know how much time had passed. She was exhausted after all the anger, all the crying, and had just watched as the light outside the window had shifted, but she couldn't tell what it meant – only that time had, in fact, passed.
Somebody knocked at the door.
Asuke tensed up. She didn't want that. She didn't want the world to intrude here. She didn't want to deal with anybody. Misato would try to appear all cheery again, as she always did, after every damn battle, as if Asuka's or Shinji's life had not just been on the line. But then, she had never truly cared anyway. Asuka, and Shinji and Rei and Mari as well, had always just been tools to her. And sure, why not give that tool a smile when that cost nothing, but beyond that…?
No, Asuka really didn't want to deal with that.
"Uh… Asuka…"
It was Shinji.
"Can I…"
"No." Asuka cut him off. It sounded hollow, but it was loud and clear.
"Uh, okay," Shinji conceded. "Uh… Misato will come as well. You know that." Asuka flinched. Of course she knew. There was a long pause. "I… can I at least bring you food later?"
Asuka blinked. Bring her food? She hadn't expected that. "Yes." It still sounded hollow, without emotion. Another pause followed. Finally, Asuka added. "Thanks, Shinji." That didn't sound much better.
"There is… there is something else," Shinji continued. "I… I have a note." Again, Asuka tensed up. She was about to say something, but then Shinji said, "I'll… I won't come in, don't worry. I guess I'll just slip it under the door."
Asuka heard the rustling of paper. And then, silence. Shinji was gone, it seemed. For what seemed further hours, Asuka continued lying on her futon. Outside, the light diminished. Finally, a certain curiosity won the upper hand, maybe a certain desire to do something. So, without standing up, she crawled forward from her futon, over the toppled wardrobe. And indeed, there it still was, a piece of paper right in front of the door, half buried by clothing.
For a moment, Asuka hesitated. Then she took it up.
She almost let it fall down again. It was from Kensuke. A wave of anxiety washed over her, almost like panic. She didn't want to… she didn't want to be confronted with what she had done. She had fucked up, and this was just a further nail hammered into her, hammering that fact home. A document of her failure.
However, she had already begun reading it, and on the contrary, what it said…
"Hello, Asuka. I'm sorry about today. I know it's the piloting. You protected us all; you don't deserve any of this. Just tell me once you feel better again, or if there is anything I can do to help. We will do whatever you want. Until then, I guess I'll just wait.
-Kensuke."
Asuka's right hand trembled. Again tears began to form in her eyes, as she felt she was given a grace she didn't deserve.
Shinji's mood was gloomy. He sat upright on his futon and looked at the small digital clock next to it: 8 AM, on a Saturday morning. Without the clock, he could lose all feeling for time in this small, windowless room, where the all too yellow light of an open light bulb shone no matter whether day or night.
He got up from the futon. Two days ago, the angel had attacked. Yesterday, he had once again gone to school as if nothing had happened. And today… he would have to use the weekend to gather all his belongings and pack them up. He soon would be leaving for good.
Head hanging low, he lurched to the kitchen. Nobody else was awake yet, as usual. The thought had a certain sting to it: "As usual". He had gotten used to this apartment. Soon, this would all have been for naught. He balled his hands into fist. He shouldn't feel bad. It had all just been an illusion anyway. If he hadn't quit, he'd be rotting in a prison cell now – as yet another thank you for having saved the world. That was the truth, what the truth had always been.
And yet…
Almost mechanically, he began fixing up a warm breakfast. All the movements were by now well known to him; it was almost automatic, while he brooded over his melancholic thoughts.
After he was finished, he wrapped up one bowl in tinfoil, to keep it warm. Then he gently put it in front of Asuka's door. When he straightened up again, he was looking Misato in the face. The Colonel's look was stern and undecipherable; her right hand held her left elbow. For almost a minute, neither side said a word.
It was Shinji who flinched first. He looked away and down. But he managed to get out, "You should leave her alone."
"That won't be possible forever," Misato replied, her voice bar any emotion or expression.
Again, Shinji balled his hands into fists. Again he furrowed his brows. What Misato had said was true. They needed the pilots, after all. And it seemed that was all that mattered to them. He wanted to reply something, anything, but no words came. Instead, he just turned his head to face her again, and kept staring at her. This time, it was her who looked away.
The tension became too much for Shinji. He stepped past Misato, back into the kitchen, towards the apartment door. He put on his shoes.
"Where are you going?" Misato asked, voice still carefully neutral.
Shinji stood up again, his back to the Colonel. He didn't answer. Then he stepped outside.
The cicadas' day long cacophony was already sounding from every patch of grass, while the air was quickly heated up by the eternal summer sun. Shinji just walked past them, his body stiff, his hands in his pockets, his view downcast. There was so much unrest in him, so much… he didn't have a word for it. So much discontent, so much resentment, so much frustration at his inability to change things. He had never belonged here. He should never have come. The time his head had gotten smashed in, the time his chest had gotten pierced through, the time he had been boiled alive – ultimately, it had all been for utterly nothing. It would have been the better choice to simply leave from the start. So much pain he had gone through, and all because he couldn't have said no earlier.
And after all that, he still wasn't able to change a damn thing. His stay in Tokyo-3 had been terrible, one traumatic experience after the next, without him getting anything to show for it… but he had also made friends here. He had a flatmate who was surprisingly tolerable. And then there was Rei…
…and all of that he would lose now, and only keep the memory of the pain. It didn't matter a damn thing that he had piloted for them all, had done so over and over again just as they had told him to. Despite that, he would lose the cherished few good things he had found in this city.
Ayanami…
He had never felt so peaceful, so soothed, and so just quietly content as in her presence. It helped that she was easy on the eye: Her lithe form, her enigmatic red eyes, the alabaster face. But it went beyond just those things. He felt connected to Rei, driven towards her. She had been not only the one bright spot here in Tokyo-3 – but honestly, in a lifetime of isolation and loneliness.
Rei… An overwhelming desire to see her welled up in him. He had to settle matters with her before he would leave.
The cicadas' cacophony fell silent as he approached the condemned highrises in Tokyo-3's west end. Despite how early in the day it was, temperatures were already becoming uncomfortable here. There were no patches of grass, no parks, no unbuilt areas, just an all-covering layer of asphalt reflecting the sun's heat. And, of course, there was the noise. The wrecking crews had already started their work again.
Shinji still felt a bit uneasy going up the stairs to Rei's level of the highrise. There was trash everywhere, the walls were stark and ugly, and some corners just reeked. And yet, the place also had something very comfortable about it. He had only ever passed these images of filth when he was on his way to Rei. That was a very positive association.
He breathed out as he stood in front of Rei's door. First, because he had just climbed all those stairs and second because, well… He hesitated. He had come because he needed to settle matters with Rei, but now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. He had no idea what he should tell her. In fact, he suddenly realized that after all that Rei had done for him, he really shouldn't bother her with that stuff. It was bad enough what he thought of the girl sometimes, what visions about what he wanted to do with her were sometimes in his head, disgusting things just because she had paid some attention to him – but at least that was indeed just in his head, well sealed up. No need to push this on Rei, just for his own selfish desire to "settle matters". He was putting his own comfort over Rei's needs, yet again.
He turned around again, and slowly walked away from the door. He felt a strange sort of relief; he had given up now, so he wouldn't actually have to face Rei, wouldn't need to find the right words, wouldn't need risking matters. However, he felt disgusted at this relief. He was giving up again.
He stopped. His mouth began moving, first just as a grimace, then muttering.
"I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..."
In a sudden motion, he turned around again, took a large step back to the door, and knocked. Then he stopped, terrified at his own action.
He was still half frozen in shock when the door opened. Rei was now standing right in front of him, wearing a school uniform, her eyes slightly widened in surprise, her head tilted. Shinji gulped. That view, and her alabaster skin and that unfathomable aura of serenity around her… she was adorable. And desirable. Shinji had to admit as much to himself at least. But he couldn't burden her with that.
Both of them just stood there in quiet surprise, neither side saying anything. Even though it should have been a tense moment, Shinji's heart had begun to slow down as soon as he had caught sight of Rei. There still was a knot in his chest, but he felt… safe. Content, even.
But there was always this nagging feeling that he didn't deserve this contentment. He just took and took and took from Rei, without giving back – or at least, certainly, without giving nearly an equivalent amount back.
So he let his head hang low. "I'm sorry. It was rude to bother you."
He slowly turned around in order to lurch away. He had screwed it up again.
Behind him, he could hear Rei's soft voice. "Too short…"
Reflexively, Shinji stopped. He had no idea what the blue-haired girl meant. He looked back over his shoulder. "Hm?"
"It doesn't matter," she declared. Then she hesitated. "But your presence here was too short."
That took Shinji by surprise. "Ah… uh…" He turned around. "What do you m… why?"
"I like being in your presence."
Another shock. And this one… Shinji had a feeling right then, as if something was squeezing his chest. His heart began beating faster. He refused to think about what Rei had just said; clearly that couldn't mean anything.
He opened and closed his hands. "I…" He breathed out, sounding defeated. "I soon won't be here anymore."
"Yes," Rei merely confirmed.
The two stood there, five metres apart, looking at each other, not finding the words. Rei stared intensely at Shinji, as if waiting for something, but there was just nothing he could say. He felt his heart bursting, from all the emotions inside him, all the feelings that he couldn't show – feelings of tenderness towards Rei, an inarticulate urge to hold her, the genuine desire to be close to her… to the one person around whom he didn't need to be on the lookout for the next bad thing to happen.
His whole life had been like this. When he was around people, he always expected them to tell him they don't like him, or that they needed him for something unpleasant, or that they would just leave him – or that they would tell him the next bad news: That his father didn't want him anymore, that he now had to suffer pain and fear of death, that he would be thrown in jail. That was what being around people was like for Shinji, always waiting for the next hammer to drop.
Only Rei… Rei was different. He had a connection with her, somehow. Around her, he was calm, relaxed, without fears or tension. Not that it mattered – he would soon be gone, anyway.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't quite know what for; surely everybody would be better off without him here. But it wasn't by their choice; it was him who had fucked up.
"It can't be helped," Rei said monotonically. An immense feeling of loss and longing overcame Shinji in that instant. It again took some seconds of silence before Rei spoke again. "You now will never have to pilot again."
A bitter, almost angry smile appeared on Shinji's face. That was true enough. But he could have had that by just saying no, and now he was simply kicked out.
He breathed in. So he might as well say it now. Right here, in front of Rei's apartment door. "There is… Ayanami, there is only one thing I regret. That I… that I will have to leave…" His voice began failing him. "...you." It was only a squeak anymore.
"Oh." Rei blinked. Patches of subdued red spread on her cheeks. She looked dumbfounded. It was utterly adorable. "I..." She stopped, and then fell into her usual monotone again, soft and comforting. "I will regret that as well."
"And I'll leave next Thursday at the latest," Shinji muttered darkly.
There was yet more silence. Finally, Rei spoke. "Come in."
"Huh?" Shinji was unsure what she meant. A slight redness crept into his face. This was sudden and blunt.
"If we only have until Thursday, we should spend as much time together as possible," Rei stated, in her soft, monotone and as far as Shinji was concerned adorable voice.
"I... I suppose that's true," Shinji answered. A small, melancholic smile appeared on Shinji's face, breaking through the embarrassment. "So, uh..." He breathed out, still feeling nervous. "Sorry for the intrusion?"
And with those idiomatic words he walked into the apartment, after Rei had stepped aside. He looked a bit dismayed at the dirty dishes gathering up in the sink again, and a heap of food wrappings built up in one specific corner of her sleeping room. It was not nearly as bad as back before he had come to help clean up the room and paint the walls, but... it really seemed to be getting that way again. Then again, who was he to judge? He had far worse faults.
And does it matter? I'll soon be gone. I tried to help here, but like everything else I do, it soon will become irrelevant.
He tried to feel self-pity, but he noticed that there was also a hinge of concern. It was sad because the thought of Rei once again living in filth was sad. What happened to him was not that important; he wasn't worth concern anyway – but Rei shouldn't be living like that...
Rei sat down on her bed. Shinji automatically wanted to go to the chair standing in front of her desk... only to notice that, apparently in keeping with the general sense of decay around it, it had broken down, with one of its legs severed from it. Shinji looked at Rei, unsure where else to go. She merely tilted her head, apparently not catching his meaning. After a while, she just patted the place next to her on the bed.
Shinji gulped, but then sat down next to her. The mattress bent down slightly under their combined weight. He noticed that he was now sitting much closer to Rei than he had intended. It was...
...not bad, all things considered. His face was flushed but it was a pleasant heat; his heart was beating faster, but it was an enjoyable, simple excitement. He realized he just liked being next to Rei.
For several minutes, the two just sat there in warm silence. There was nothing that really needed to be said; it was enough to be in each other's company. Shinji sighed contentedly.
"I never had this before," Rei whispered.
Shinji turned his head to her. On the side of her face, he saw the tiniest amount of red on her cheek and the corner of her mouth ever so slightly drawn upwards. He liked that. "What… what do you mean, Ayanami?"
Now she turned her head as well and gazed at him with this serious, calm, serene look of hers. Shinji was captivated. "You're the first person I've met who has ever truly noticed me. Only the Commander… but it's different with him. He pays attention to me because he needs me. You're the first person who has noticed me just so."
Heat rose in Shinji's head and he was pretty sure he was blushing heavily. His answer was more murmured than spoken. "You… youdeservetobenoticed." Then he smiled sadly and looked down. "In truth, it's me who… I've been wondering why you pay so much attention to me. Helped me so much. I mean, I'm not…" He shook his head. "Not a good person."
"I don't know," Rei admitted. Shinji's heart clenched together, and he felt as if he had just been kicked right into it. "I can't explain it. There are many things about myself that I don't understand. But when I am around you, I feel good. I want to help you, because that feels good as well. I like the feeling I have when you smile, even though I cannot explain it."
Shinji's eyes, still looking down, went wide. "Ah… Ayanami... "
"I think…" Rei continued. "...I just like helping you or being helped by you or having you around me."
There was a long silence, a more awkward one than before. Shinji did not dare look up. Finally, he managed to say, "I… I feel the same way, Ayanami."
"Yes," Rei said. "That is what I don't understand. Nobody else feels that way about me. Even the Commander just takes what I do for granted. Only you… I don't understand."
Shinji was nonplussed. "What do you mean? What is there not to understand? You… you… you have always been there for me, ever since I came to this city. You promised to protect me. You piloted, so that I don't need to." He breathed out. Now that he had talked himself into a bit of a frenzy, there was no stopping. "You piloted, so that I don't need to. You're… you're a wonderful person, Ayanami. A truly wonderful person."
Rei looked down again, but this time both her blush and her smile were more pronounced. Shinji didn't know what to make of it, how he should act now, what he should say now, but he desperately didn't want this moment to end - this instant of content closeness and heart-flutter.
Finally, Rei spoke up again, almost in a whisper. "I also like this. Being so close to you. I… I like it."
"...yes," was all that Shinji could do to answer.
"Shikinami told me that feeling that I'm feeling… that we're maybe both feeling… is love," Rei stated.
Shinji gulped hard, his eyes wide as saucers. Then he caught himself again. There was no sense of running away on his mind. Not here. "I… I suppose… I suppose it could be."
Love? Was that it? Was that what he had been feeling for Rei all the time? Of course it is, you idiot. He could almost hear his thoughts in Asuka's voice. But… that prospect was surprisingly non-threatening. Yes, yes, he loved Rei. He probably had for a while. But it appeared that wasn't a bad thing, wasn't a thing he needed to fear.
"What does that mean?" Rei asked.
"W-well… just as you said," Shinji answered. I'm really not the right person to ask about love… but it wasn't like that he could deny any request or question from Rei. "That we…" He gulped. "That we both want to be close to each other. Ah… to be around each other but also… uh… physically close." His voice betrayed him there again, ending up as a squeak at the end.
"Ah. Yes," Rei agreed. "That is true. I do want that." She laid a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "I remember our hug. I liked that. I have thought a lot about that since then." Now, finally, Shinji's red face began to glow red like a tomato. He had as well.
Rei looked at him with those crystal-clear red eyes, those utterly fascinating eyes in an often stern, yet lovely face. Shinj, once again, didn't know what to do, but it didn't matter. It was not like he was about to protest…
...and then she pushed him down on the bed, both her hands on both his shoulders, her on top of him at first, but then sliding down next to him. One of her arms remained below him, just below the shoulder, one rested on him. Again, they were looking into each other's eyes.
That alabaster face… the sharp lines of it, like a painting or a statue… the attractive blue hair… those captivatingly unique eyes… and most of all, that aura of serenity and security around. And that mouth. That lovely mouth, almost fey-like delicate as all her features.
A face as if made for gentle, tender touches, for soft strokes of the finger. Very carefully, as if not to break that fragile beauty in front of him, Shinji laid a hand on her cheek, just in front of her ear, and began to slowly stroke her hair.
She smiled.
Shinji moved his head closer to hers, so close now. Only millimeters apart. And then, their mouths met.
Asuka hated this. She hated it all: The dark room, her inactivity, how she felt. She didn't want to be here, isolated and removed from the world, but she also could not not be. She hated how nothing happened here, how she was stuck in here doing nothing at all, but that was also why she remained here: "Nothing" was still better than everything that had happened to her outside. She couldn't go there. She just couldn't. It was better to remain here like dead than risk the outside. And so Asuka was stuck, and she hated that.
But most of all, she hated the passage of time. Time just went on and on mercilessly, with no respite for her. There was no break from it for her, no pause where she could just lick her wounds and do nothing. Another day, with the world outside the curtain getting brighter again. Another afternoon, with the brightness dying down. Another night, with no light outside, while the light bulb in her room was running constantly. And eventually, she would have to fight again.
Once, she had looked forward to that. Once, she had believed that this would be the payoff for everything she had endured and been made to do during her childhood. Years of extra work, years of invasive tests and studies, years of having no other choice - and without anybody ever showing the least amount of gratitude or remorse about that. She had thought that here in Japan, after she had fought and won, here she would finally be vindicated - that here, people would finally respect her for her strength, her talent, her victories, would look up to her, would cheer her.
Instead, she lay in this darkened room, didn't even want to move and hated the passage of time.
"Why me…"
It was a soft whisper, but it carried the sum total of her desperation. Why was it her who had to lead that life? Destined to be a pilot since four years of age, pushed around, prodded, with no input by herself - only to then be shoved out to fight monsters, only to have her body violated and her mind raped, only to be taken for granted. Hikari wasn't leading such a life. Kensuke and Touji weren't leading such lives. It was only her, Asuka. And nobody even cared!
It was all so unjust. She didn't want this. She didn't want this life. She had gone through it thinking that, ultimately, it would pay off, that, in the end, people would finally respect her and cheer her. They all had made her believe that. And it had been a lie. It had only served to make her continue this miserable life, this unfair life.
And it wasn't like she could do anything about it. That was also something they had made sure of: Piloting was all she had. Without it, she was nothing - less than nothing, as without it she was just a hostile, stand-offish bitch. She had to pilot. She had to continue this wretched life. All she could do was lie here in semi-darkness and hope it wouldn't come knocking again all too soon.
It was unjust. And there was no way out.
As they always did, those thoughts continued circling in her head. It was not like she had anything better to do. She lay on her futon, and thought crawled through her head at a glacial speed. Hours could pass with her only half aware of her surroundings. She liked it that way. She didn't really want to be a part of this reality.
The light outside had begun to dim already when there was an intrusion into her thoughts - a knock at the door. She hated that as well. The outside world came calling. Even if it wasn't Misato and the next fight… everything else was just so trivial, so unimportant. She didn't have the energy to care for what her or Shinji had to say, when thoughts about her mind rape went through her head. It was all so banal!
"It… it's me, Asuka." Shinji. Well, it was better than Misato. "I brought you food."
As he always did, two times a day. Misato never entered, never knocked. She was somewhat sure Shinji had ensured that, and on some level she was grateful, but… she really didn't have the mental energy for gratitude anymore.
"Hm," she just answered. Then she sighed. There was no helping it. She needed food, after all. She didn't want to starve herself. She did want life, just…
...just not this one.
Slowly, unwillingly, Asuka got up from her futon. She knew her hair and her clothes were a mess and that she needed a shower, but she didn't care. She stepped in front of the door, but even then it took another ten seconds before she slid it open. With her face being an iron mask, she looked at Shinji, who was holding a plate with food on it.
Without saying anything, without an expression on her face, she just took the plate and slid the door shut again. She hated herself for how ingrateful she was, but she just… she couldn't face people right now. Even just these little transfers were almost too much for her.
Shinji's voice came through the door. "Ah… Asuka. You know I'll be gone soon.They say now I should leave on Saturday. Asuka… what will you do then?"
Asuka balled one hand into a fist. She noticed she was beginning to shake. She didn't want to think about what was to come, about the outside world… didn't want to think at all. She put the plate on the ground, and then slid down the door.
"Why do you care?" she asked. "That's my business, isn't it?" She hated how bitchy that sounded, but… letting Shinji see how she was truly feeling would be yet another humiliation.
"I… I guess so," Shinji answered. He sounded sad. "I guess… I guess soon it won't matter for me anyway." A pause. "Do you want to stay in there forever?" It seemed to be a genuine question, asked with genuine curiosity rather than judgement.
"Maybe," Asuka answered defiantly, a defiance she wasn't really feeling. She realized she wouldn't be able to, but as long as she could, she wanted to pretend to. She wasn't sure if Shinji was still there when she spoke up again. "It's easy for you."
"...what do you mean?" Shinji asked.
"You were picked up from the street in order to pilot," Asuka explained. "But at least you had a life before it. Something you can return to now. And you took the easy way out as soon as you could, anyway."
It took some time until Shinji replied. "Y-yeah. True. I'm sorry about that."
Asuka scoffed. "If only some other people were sorry as well."
"But… uh… I… I did return to fight, didn't I?" Shinji tried to defend himself.
"Yes." Asuka's voice was empty of all emotions. "You got back in the entry plug. But you didn't get hurt. You just got to hug my unit, and that was all. All because you actually had the sense to stand up for yourself."
"Asuka…" Shinji sounded concerned.
"Please go now," she told him.
Shinji told himself to stop worrying. After all, he would soon be gone from here anyway. He would never see Asuka again, most likely. Their lives had only briefly intersected for two months or so, and now would depart again. He could still help her now, but ultimately, he wouldn't be able to anyway. And he really should use the short time remaining to him for better things, like spending it with Rei.
But it wasn't that easy to stop worrying.
The truth was, he kinda liked Asuka. Despite her constant stand-offishness, she was actually rather easy to get along with. Most of the time, she had just left him alone. Unlike Misato, she wasn't that needy for company or so disorganized that she'd need cleaning after. She did expect not to be bothered, not to get disturbed in her sphere of privacy, but in return she also didn't bother others or disturbed their privacy. Or at least, most of the time.
Shinji had come to genuinely like that arrangement. One could talk with Asuka, even deep and meaningful talks like the one after her second angel fight here - but she wasn't pushy, and one could also always keep a safe distance. And he had come to like what she had to say, like how she had never put up with Misato's crap at home. And her stand-offish cynicism, well, the more time passed on, the more it seemed to Shinji she had the right with that after all.
He liked Asuka. He liked the temporary foster sister he had for a while. And now, she had barricaded herself in her room for three days straight already.
Misato still sat in the kitchen, staring down at the remains of her ready meal, and said nothing. In fact, she had remained silent through-out, and had been so nearly all day. There wasn't much talking going on anymore in the household. Shinji would remain silent or look away when Misato tried to talk to him. Eventually, she had gotten the hint, and she also stayed away from Asuka. The atmosphere in the household had been crushing over the last few days, but Shinji preferred it over the alternative.
She would have seen me locked up like I'm some kind of criminal…
Even after everything, there was a sad pang in his heart. Did she ever truly care about me? He had thought that maybe Misato wasn't so bad, that, certainly, living with her hadn't been once he didn't have to pilot anymore… but now he realized that all had only been a fantasy. She still was the Operative Director of NERV, Asuka still was a pilot and Shinji, for now, still was a reserve pilot. Was I ever only a pilot to her? Nothing more?
He just couldn't keep up any false friendliness or cheeriness anymore. All that had happened was that the truth had been revealed; everything before that had just been a lie.
Misato avoided eye contact as Shinji walked past her to the apartment's entrance. On the one hand, that suited him just fine, but on the other hand… She used me, and now that I won't serve as her tool anymore, she is hiding from me. It was cowardly and self-serving and Shinji resented Misato for it.
He put on his shoes and walked out of the apartment without saying anything.
He didn't want to waste his precious few remaining time in Tokyo-3 on thinking about Misato, on the anger boiling inside him or even on worrying about Asuka. He only had a few days before he would have to leave. So what he really wanted was to spend as much time as possible together with Rei.
And, unbelievably, entirely wonderfully, Rei seemed to feel the same. They had even agreed to meet again in her apartment.
It should have been a time of wide-eyed wonder and amazement. Nobody had ever told Shinji they liked to have him around. Nobody had ever told him they were glad when he smiled, or when they just could talk to him. And Rei had even spoken about love. Love! Shinji hardly had any idea what this meant, but his heart was fluttering now when he just thought of the blue-haired girl.
Instead, it was a time of melancholy. The two would enjoy what little time they still had together, and then Shinji would leave. A short spring, to be followed by a return to his eternal winter. He desperately wanted to stay close to Rei now, to be as much in her presence as possible…
...to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her....
That also was a whole new world for Shinji, and he had quickly discovered that he couldn't get enough of it. Just the physical contact, closeness in both body and spirit, skin on skin, her graceful touch… it was a whole new universe of experiences for Shinji, and he craved ever more of it.
Strangely, while those images made his heart beat faster and caused heat to spread in his face, they weren't a source of shame for him anymore. Rei wanted this as well! Rei had even initiated that at times! It was unbelievable. It was a miracle.
...it soon would be over.
So as Shinji walked the streets of Tokyo-3, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings: All the work crews repairing buildings, the chattering people on the boardwalk, many of them students his age just going home from school, the cars and trains and busses and of course the inevitable cicadas just going on and on with their noises. He longed to be at Rei's apartment already, but he also dreaded it - sort of like he was using up an irreplaceable reservoir of something precious. Of course, that was silly - time would go on no matter where he was. But being in Rei's company meant being confronted with that fact.
But still, it was better to have worries and be comforted by her graceful arms than to sit at home and shut the worries out. And even more importantly, for whatever inexplicable reason, Rei felt the same about him, liked being in his arms. And she deserved feeling nice. There was still much about her he didn't understand, but the few glimpses he had gotten into her life had revealed a very dark picture.
He smiled as he walked up the dirty stairs of the nearly entirely abandoned building where Rei lived. It didn't bother him. It was good, even, because it meant soon he would be with Rei.
To his surprise, he caught the blue-haired girl just as she was stepping out of her apartment's door.
"Uh, Ayanami…" Shinji began, unsure what to say.
"I am sorry," she apologized. "We cannot meet today. The Commander has called me in for tests at headquarters on short notice."
"But… we… we agreed!" Shinji stuttered. "That we'd meet every day. Today. And we have so few times left."
"I know," Rei said, and it sounded genuinely sad. But then she just walked past Shinji, down the stairs.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Poor Rei.
Poor Shinji.
You know what, poor children in general in Evangelion.
----------
Stuff like this gets across why Rei Ayanami defined the appeal of her character type for multiple generations.
Poor Shinji.
You know what, poor children in general in Evangelion.
----------
Stuff like this gets across why Rei Ayanami defined the appeal of her character type for multiple generations.
Poor kids. You (Cannot) Huggle Teh Rei today.