Well I came to awake at a seemingly perfect time. I have been contemplating what I could say, what might appease my own swelling of discontent and outcry over any perceived attacks on my character. Though accusations may be warranted, but I would not say they are conclusive. Allow me to explain. I have spoke to some friends over my woes, yes I speak, yes I let my voice be heard. I highlighted very clearly that I always let my opinion be known, and while this may have led to uncomfortable situations and uncouth behavior on my part, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's apart of the property, and I was within a community of what I deemed friends at the time. Imagine my shock when fellow bearers of this world called me out, as I languished in my sorrow that drained my thoughts and tempted me towards darker persuasions, to essentially cut-the-shit. It was certainly a wake up call, I'll tell you! I was threatened. I was angry. I was seeing a culprit for my woes, a person to take out all my pent up feelings and failings. The one and only,
@mothematics who I will say nothing else on save that they certainly have the attitude of a moderator if I've ever seen one. Respectable, if I may, and I am concerned that my words effected so many. I did say I spoke my mind, didn't I?
Though the consequences for such actions were lost on me at the time and only the rage and ensuing satisfaction over my stint of defiance really permeated across my mind. I would say there are say additions and personalized takes on the previous matter, but I don't remember the incident so clearly to correct any that I might have issue with. They are insignificant, the crux of my dilemma, and why I did
what I did, was that it was a deeply personal issue for me. I felt humiliated and dehumanized, as if I couldn't speak for some arbitration of a faceless enforcer, and my rights of a human were being stripped from me. I asked for an apology, not in any sense of an admittance of defeat from them, as I have been wizened that may have been perceived from those I've asked about the subject. No, I asked for an apology because I felt hurt and I wanted someone to give a shit about me, just to say, hey, it's okay. But no one's my mother, and they refused. That's fine, I decided to eject myself from a community I appreciated and felt consciously aware of it's positive affect on me, simply for my own pride. Stupid, foolish, and perhaps neglectful, yes. But I made such a choice consciously, because I wanted to strike back. I had an impulse for revenge, as short-lived as it was.
But I am the one who should be sorry. I never knew the profound effect that my mere words could have on another, or the traumatic stress that I caused. I never looked past my own toes, thinking I was invisible and largely regarded as a nothing, a non-prospect, non-threatening. Who could feel hurt by me, when I wasn't even confident enough to admit my own pain and suffering? For those who would like to know, I have moved on from the traumatic stress of my previous situation, and I see that I wasn't in the right state of mind. It took a certain type of person, a person who cared for me and could get through all the bad and sadness within me to let me see through that. That person was myself, as it happens, though I had some help. Let's just say, that it was a personal matter to me, and I do not think that should reflect on my character. I was depressed and out of a state where I could function regularly, is that such a crime? Were I to be banned from this race for statements made from yesteryear, what would that say of the state of an election? That a troubled girl, who's been through the worst of it and came out stronger, can't be perceived differently? Look, I'm no peach, but everyone looks at themselves in a sense of positive light.. Even when I disregarded my own humanity and my own happiness to wax and wane on a future that could never happen: I still defended my prose. It was damn good prose.
Let's talk frankly, shall we? I don't appreciate people speculating on my past relationship because that is my concern alone. I was wrong to bring it into light, but I deleted the posts when asked, and while I had a personal problem with Mothe at the time, I do truly apologize to them. I didn't mean anything by my statements and like I said, I guess you could perceive it as.. Trolling? I don't know if I'd use that exact word but it's the kind of rabid hostility that I was raised in. But I've spent time contemplating that particular issue, I tried to ignore it, but it really did lead me towards a path to self-discovery and refrainment of releasing such broad statements so irregardless of those around me. It's hard, really, to judge the internet in a sphere matching the reality. It was my pillow that I would scream within, when I was young, and that transitioned further as I grew older, and some of those problems are still in me, would you believe me if I say they weren't, afterall? But I would never let that impede my traditional, professional life. The Internet has evolved for me and many others to be an active space to reach out to a community they are not apart of anywhere else. Maybe I took some time to realize that, but my attachment to those times in my life, could add my voice to those still troubled by it: this world is not yours alone, and if you don't get that through your head,
you're going to have a bad time. Look. I have nothing else to prove. I have been apart of my communities for years and while they've seen the worst of me, I've done nothing worse then what was shown there, and for that, I do wish and hope I have atoned in this message explaining my actions.
@Aedan777 himself, who I've known for nearing six? seven? Years now gave me advice and cautioned this next move I made exactly here, and our personalities are nothing alike. I love erotica. I love
@Evenstar for pursuing what she's doing, I see it as a commendable objective and similar to my own for the GSRP community. I could call upon dozens of others who might vouch in my favour, or damn me in turn, but a race isn't about endorsements. It isn't about proving who's right, and who's wrong. It's about speaking up for what you believe in and that is what I will do in each and every tribunal with the passion that I took to write this. If you have problems with my personal character, you are entitled to them and I submit my whole self to the court of public opinion, the good and the bad. And for the recent statement of my previous post - it was within the past tense of which I spoke that, I already made my choice to stay apart of the community some way some how. I actually spoke to
@Cetashwayo extensively about it, and we both agreed that while Forum life is hard.. And not all the times rewarding, we've been apart of these communities for years now. He's given more then any person could ask him for, and he serves somewhat as my inspiration in doing this, because I would like to say, that through all the work, dedication, and time I've spent in forums like these, writing long drawn out like this one, that I could say I gave back to the community that listened to me for all this time.
Thank you for your time. If you want a cheeky and out of place campaign slogan since we're all memeing I suppose,
#AVoteForMaelisAVoteforRedemption
