Reach Da Stars Through Hurtin' Stuff - Ork "Civilisation" Quest
- Thread starter EarthScorpion
- Start date
- Location
- Somewhere on Earth
Not to worry! We'z have our very own Grapplin' Hook, with added Krumpin funktonality!
Starts swinging a particularly ornery snake by its tail
we are gonna learn to be so sneaky from those crows
I'm honestly picturing a council of crows that advise us.
- Location
- Great Khanate of Scotland
- Pronouns
- She/Her
You know, we would produce a lot of bodies for them. This might be a mutually profitable relationship.
- Location
- Britain
surely esteemed deeds are commemorated there
The Gift of the Pit
Fortune had led the orks to a miserable, constantly-raining, polluted, radioactive swamp full of mutant monsters set among a dismal forest, and there they built their new home. On a slightly-drier rise, they built something that could charitably and generously called a village under the shade of narrow-needled trees. With all the care and attention one might expect from orks, they procured wood and branches - often by headbutting down other trees - and built crude shelters which kept something of the rain off them.
It was quite necessary. The other occupants of the swamp proved quite willing to try to eat the orks. The boars were as tall as an ork at the shoulder, and had similarly impressive tusks, vile tempers, and thick skulls. The orks made the deeply discomforting discovery that charging boars could and would win headbutting contests. While that didn't stop the orks from trying, it did result in concussions, fractured skulls, and frequent death. Then there were the snakes. The little ones were as small as a grot's finger, and highly poisonous. The medium-sized ones could crush an ork in their coils, and were even more poisonous. The large ones were so big that one knocked down the village and left a trail of destruction in its wake. Admittedly, knocking down the village was easier than it would have been if it had been more than some piled up branches, but it was still not great. Oh, and the large ones were probably also poisonous, but that was secondary to the fact that their fangs were large enough to impale an ork.
Worst of all, though, were the black-feathered toothed birds who perched on the trees and directed insulting comments at the orks and their ability to build nests. They had learned orkish remarkably quickly, and used it mostly to swear at the boys. It wasn't entirely clear whether they were intelligent in their own right or just copying what they heard, but in fairness, the same could be said for the orks. Sometimes they carried off gretchin to their nests and tore them limb from limb which did provide some levity. Other times they picked up rocks and dropped them on orks.
Between the giant snakes, angry boars, and asshole flappy bird-things, things were not exactly easy going for the orks of the tribe. Also, things were cold and wet, and getting colder. The snakes were showing up less, which on one hand meant fewer people were getting bitten by poisonous snakes, but on the other hand meant there was less to eat. And on top of that, white flakes fell from the sky. This was strange and scary and new, and so the orks punched the white stuff. After a few days of punching, it melted and things warmed up, so clearly they'd frightened it away.
But it was during this period they found the lucky pit, because the white stuff didn't settle around the lucky pit. That alone was reason to call it lucky, but it was also surrounded by once-bright-yellow metal barrels, and it glowed green at night. Green was, of course, the orkiest of colours, so it had to be a sign. The water at the bottom glowed blue, and that was obviously a good sign too.
Orks being orks, they of course tried tasting the water at the bottom of the pit. It caused nasty bowel cramps and left the boys feeling rotten for days. The general consensus was that this was a sign that the water was lucky, and was using its luck to stop people drinking it. So rather than irk the hole in the ground more, they looted a bunch of the rocks from the area, many of which were cylindrical, and retreated.
Shortly afterwards, the ork Modek made a monumental, astonishing discovery when he started hitting the cylindrical rocks together. The twilight was broken by a sudden blue flash that lit up the glade, and every ork in the area turned his way.
"What was that?"
"I dunno," Modek said, blinking away the flash blindness. He tried hitting the rocks together again, and got a second flash.
The orks had discovered nuclear fission through the deliberate inducement of criticality accidents for their own amusement.
"Ha ha ha! Do it again, do it again! That's zoggin' great!"
Another blue flash lit up the night, and the orks fell about laughing.
"Hey, my hand's getting kinda hot," said Modek, considering the lump of sub-critical nuclear fuel rod he'd been using to hit the other lump of sub-critical nuclear fuel rod.
"Don't be a grot, y'weak arse," said the bigger ork Gotta, cuffing him over the back of the head. "Do it again!"
This time, the blue flash was even brighter and Modek dropped the lump of slag, cursing. His hand was blackened and charred. The lump dropped to the ground, and rolled into a patch of slightly drier plants. Which first steamed, then browned, then caught alight.
The orks, who were engaged in much merriment watching Modek suffer from the burns only slowly noticed that there was another source of light in the clearing.
"Oi, mates?"
"Wot?"
"Wot is dat orangey-yellow flickery stuff?"
"I dunno! Make a grot eat it!"
The discovery of nuclear fission was followed shortly afterwards by the discovery of fire. And the discovery soon after that fire was not edible, but made other things tastier.
The keen orkish scientific mind relatively quickly discovered that the lucky fire-making rocks only got hot and made a blue flash if they were large enough. This was an intuitive outcome that might be expected by any feral ork sitting in a swamp, and testing revealed that the larger the rocks and the harder they were hit together, the brighter the flash and the hotter they got.
The secret of fire radically changed life in the ork settlement in the swamp. Now anyone could create their own flames by taking two large lumps of the special rock from the lucky blue pit, and hitting them together until they got hot enough to set things on fire. Quickly, the village was alight with blue flashes, and very shortly afterwards alight with being-on-fire.
Things had never been better, especially once they'd rebuilt the village and were no longer being rained on. And so they started to call themselves the Blue Flash Tribe, in honour of the mighty phenomenon which had granted them control over nature in this way.
Oddly enough, the use of the lucky rocks resulted in some nasty burns to the hands of the individuals doing it and lingering illness if overdone. The orks more concerned with personal comfort just got the grots to knock the lucky rocks together. The others weren't prepared to sacrifice mastery of fire and also mastery of making attention-grabbing blue flashes.
Still, such a discovery radically changed the balance of power within the swamp. With the power of fire in their hands, the orks were eating better than before and were much more comfortable when they could huddle around fires for warmth. They could set fire to trees to get prey down from them, and set fire to each other when bored.
With the extra free time, the tribe had a brawl to work out what they were going to do next.
Choose a Major Project
[ ] Get More Fungus Growing
[ ] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
[ ] Beat Up Those Damn Boars
[ ] Throw A Big Party In Honour Of The Lucky Pit
[ ] Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds
It was quite necessary. The other occupants of the swamp proved quite willing to try to eat the orks. The boars were as tall as an ork at the shoulder, and had similarly impressive tusks, vile tempers, and thick skulls. The orks made the deeply discomforting discovery that charging boars could and would win headbutting contests. While that didn't stop the orks from trying, it did result in concussions, fractured skulls, and frequent death. Then there were the snakes. The little ones were as small as a grot's finger, and highly poisonous. The medium-sized ones could crush an ork in their coils, and were even more poisonous. The large ones were so big that one knocked down the village and left a trail of destruction in its wake. Admittedly, knocking down the village was easier than it would have been if it had been more than some piled up branches, but it was still not great. Oh, and the large ones were probably also poisonous, but that was secondary to the fact that their fangs were large enough to impale an ork.
Worst of all, though, were the black-feathered toothed birds who perched on the trees and directed insulting comments at the orks and their ability to build nests. They had learned orkish remarkably quickly, and used it mostly to swear at the boys. It wasn't entirely clear whether they were intelligent in their own right or just copying what they heard, but in fairness, the same could be said for the orks. Sometimes they carried off gretchin to their nests and tore them limb from limb which did provide some levity. Other times they picked up rocks and dropped them on orks.
Between the giant snakes, angry boars, and asshole flappy bird-things, things were not exactly easy going for the orks of the tribe. Also, things were cold and wet, and getting colder. The snakes were showing up less, which on one hand meant fewer people were getting bitten by poisonous snakes, but on the other hand meant there was less to eat. And on top of that, white flakes fell from the sky. This was strange and scary and new, and so the orks punched the white stuff. After a few days of punching, it melted and things warmed up, so clearly they'd frightened it away.
But it was during this period they found the lucky pit, because the white stuff didn't settle around the lucky pit. That alone was reason to call it lucky, but it was also surrounded by once-bright-yellow metal barrels, and it glowed green at night. Green was, of course, the orkiest of colours, so it had to be a sign. The water at the bottom glowed blue, and that was obviously a good sign too.
Orks being orks, they of course tried tasting the water at the bottom of the pit. It caused nasty bowel cramps and left the boys feeling rotten for days. The general consensus was that this was a sign that the water was lucky, and was using its luck to stop people drinking it. So rather than irk the hole in the ground more, they looted a bunch of the rocks from the area, many of which were cylindrical, and retreated.
Shortly afterwards, the ork Modek made a monumental, astonishing discovery when he started hitting the cylindrical rocks together. The twilight was broken by a sudden blue flash that lit up the glade, and every ork in the area turned his way.
"What was that?"
"I dunno," Modek said, blinking away the flash blindness. He tried hitting the rocks together again, and got a second flash.
The orks had discovered nuclear fission through the deliberate inducement of criticality accidents for their own amusement.
"Ha ha ha! Do it again, do it again! That's zoggin' great!"
Another blue flash lit up the night, and the orks fell about laughing.
"Hey, my hand's getting kinda hot," said Modek, considering the lump of sub-critical nuclear fuel rod he'd been using to hit the other lump of sub-critical nuclear fuel rod.
"Don't be a grot, y'weak arse," said the bigger ork Gotta, cuffing him over the back of the head. "Do it again!"
This time, the blue flash was even brighter and Modek dropped the lump of slag, cursing. His hand was blackened and charred. The lump dropped to the ground, and rolled into a patch of slightly drier plants. Which first steamed, then browned, then caught alight.
The orks, who were engaged in much merriment watching Modek suffer from the burns only slowly noticed that there was another source of light in the clearing.
"Oi, mates?"
"Wot?"
"Wot is dat orangey-yellow flickery stuff?"
"I dunno! Make a grot eat it!"
The discovery of nuclear fission was followed shortly afterwards by the discovery of fire. And the discovery soon after that fire was not edible, but made other things tastier.
Article: Teknology Discovered: Nuclear Fission Criticality Accidents
Teknology Discovered: Fire
Teknology Discovered: Cooking
Tribe Name Chosen: The Blue Flash Tribe
The keen orkish scientific mind relatively quickly discovered that the lucky fire-making rocks only got hot and made a blue flash if they were large enough. This was an intuitive outcome that might be expected by any feral ork sitting in a swamp, and testing revealed that the larger the rocks and the harder they were hit together, the brighter the flash and the hotter they got.
The secret of fire radically changed life in the ork settlement in the swamp. Now anyone could create their own flames by taking two large lumps of the special rock from the lucky blue pit, and hitting them together until they got hot enough to set things on fire. Quickly, the village was alight with blue flashes, and very shortly afterwards alight with being-on-fire.
Things had never been better, especially once they'd rebuilt the village and were no longer being rained on. And so they started to call themselves the Blue Flash Tribe, in honour of the mighty phenomenon which had granted them control over nature in this way.
Oddly enough, the use of the lucky rocks resulted in some nasty burns to the hands of the individuals doing it and lingering illness if overdone. The orks more concerned with personal comfort just got the grots to knock the lucky rocks together. The others weren't prepared to sacrifice mastery of fire and also mastery of making attention-grabbing blue flashes.
Still, such a discovery radically changed the balance of power within the swamp. With the power of fire in their hands, the orks were eating better than before and were much more comfortable when they could huddle around fires for warmth. They could set fire to trees to get prey down from them, and set fire to each other when bored.
With the extra free time, the tribe had a brawl to work out what they were going to do next.
Get More Fungus Growing - the Orks have discovered that more fungus grows around where they've been taking dumps and tossing out their food waste. Some of the more insightful members of the tribe are wondering if they dig some holes and dump their waste in them, they might get more mushrooms growing. Which means more food, right?
Hunt Down Replacement Grotz - the tribe's supply of smaller orkoids is growing rather thin, between the self-inflicted casualties, the ork-inflicted casualties, and the predator-inflicted casualties. Without grotz to do all the hard, unpleasant, and/or boring things, the boys will have to do them, and that means they won't be happy. Yeah, it'd be a good idea to always keep plenty of grotz around.
Beat Up Those Damn Boars - the boys have fire now. And sure, the boars might be able to win headbutting contests, but now they have fire, they can probably trap those damn boars using the fire and then repeatedly headbutt them and prove orks are better than them.
Throw A Big Party In Honour Of The Lucky Pit - the lucky pit gave them fire, and cooking, and fun blue flashes. Obviously it is a thing they need to respect and venerate, so it'll give them more of its luck and its learning.
Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds - Consider this - they have fire, and the birds live in trees. If they burn down every tree with a bird nest in it, they'll have to zog off and won't go and say those real mean things about the orks.
Hunt Down Replacement Grotz - the tribe's supply of smaller orkoids is growing rather thin, between the self-inflicted casualties, the ork-inflicted casualties, and the predator-inflicted casualties. Without grotz to do all the hard, unpleasant, and/or boring things, the boys will have to do them, and that means they won't be happy. Yeah, it'd be a good idea to always keep plenty of grotz around.
Beat Up Those Damn Boars - the boys have fire now. And sure, the boars might be able to win headbutting contests, but now they have fire, they can probably trap those damn boars using the fire and then repeatedly headbutt them and prove orks are better than them.
Throw A Big Party In Honour Of The Lucky Pit - the lucky pit gave them fire, and cooking, and fun blue flashes. Obviously it is a thing they need to respect and venerate, so it'll give them more of its luck and its learning.
Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds - Consider this - they have fire, and the birds live in trees. If they burn down every tree with a bird nest in it, they'll have to zog off and won't go and say those real mean things about the orks.
Choose a Major Project
[ ] Get More Fungus Growing
[ ] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
[ ] Beat Up Those Damn Boars
[ ] Throw A Big Party In Honour Of The Lucky Pit
[ ] Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds
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ConfusedCanuck
Where did it all go wrong?
- Location
- Neverland
Oh god the orks are learning!
[X] Get More Fungus Growing
I always go for more food as the first thing to do in these type of quests.
[X] Get More Fungus Growing
I always go for more food as the first thing to do in these type of quests.
- Location
- England
This may be the greatest line in the history of lines.
Now I have pondered what to do next and instead of doing something like a "cost-benefit analysis" which sounds distinctly Unorky (making those who use it subject to a Court of Enquiry, or at least it would if the Tribe knew what a court was) I will instead decide it is Hitting Things Time. (The astute may notice that that's all the time.) More Burnin' than Hitting I suppose, but oh well.
[X] Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds
If we zog these gits then Grots won't be eaten so much, so it's sorta like doing two at once! How's dat fer smarts?
- Location
- The sixth circle of Hell (second on weekends)
- Pronouns
- She/Her
*screams inarticulately*
*attempts to strangle ES*
...
...
... okay. Okay, I'm calm. Ahem.
[X] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
Oi, Boyz! Dis is obveeusly the most pressin' fing we gotta do! Reason bein', we ain't gonna 'av time to scrap wiv anyfing if we gotta do all da grotwork ourselves! But you all remembers da gitz wot didn't come 'ere wiv us, and dey prob'ly got some grotz, so if we goes an' gets 'em, we gets grotz to do da grotwork an' a decent fight wiv uvva Boyz! Waaagh!
- Location
- Reno
- Pronouns
- They/Them
[X] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
- Location
- Austria
This is a wonderful situation which cannot go wrong. I love it.
[X] Get More Fungus Growing
- Location
- The Star Kingdom of Manticore
[X] Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds
We have fire, those stupid birds don't. Nothing could go wrong.
We have fire, those stupid birds don't. Nothing could go wrong.
- Location
- United states of america
[X] Get More Fungus Growing
[X] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
[X] Smash The Nests Of Those Stupid Birds
- Location
- Hollister
[X] Hunt Down Replacement Grotz
[X] Get More Fungus Growing