Worm: Collector's Edition (Worm/Multi)

[jmschips]

Feb 23, 2011:
Taylor froze as she felt one of her subverted shards activate a process she hadn't noticed before- some focus brought it to her mind's eye, letting her determine it was Eidolon's shard. A query, followed by a reply, and Taylor sat down heavily, deeply shocked. Number Man looked at her and frowned, before asking what was wrong. She frowned, before telling Exemplar to stop, though it took a short argument before it did so. When Number Man repeated his question her response was that she needed to talk to the Triumvirate as soon as possible.

---

"My power was WHAT!"

She frowned, before sighing, "I know. I was shocked when it started- apparently it decided to fulfil your subconscious desires for something to test your strength against, and if I hadn't stopped it then it would have kept activating more- there are apparently twenty of them. I'm sorry."

All three of the Triumvirate were pale, though none more than Eidolon, who was clearly gobsmacked.

 

[the DragonBard]

In addition, if you feel something needs to be expanded on, please mention it specifically, so I can look at things.

Click to shrink...

I'm sorry, but there are so many things that need to be expanded on, that it's easier to just say 'everything' and leave it at that.

These new Apocrypha chapters you're putting up? All your chapters should be written like this, but longer.

Much, much, longer.

There needs to be conversations in your stories, not just 'they talked some and then did something, and then something happened.' Which is what most of your fic has been like.

A fundamental rule of storytelling: Show, don't tell.
And you've been Telling, now showing.

I'm sorry, but we've all been telling you this, repeatedly, and it's getting a little frustrating.
I see so much potential in your story, but you're rushing so much to get to the part you really want to write about, you might as well have just skipped all of it, and started there, and told most of this through the story.

 

[Nightmare723764]

I'm a sucker for Gamer fics and honestly this looks interesting. But, and I'm giving my best shot at critisism, you eihter need a beta a co-author or a discord group chat for this. I know they're all been suggested but the need saying regardless.
I actually had for force myself to read thorough everything. It's all Tell but no Show. Believe me when I say I have the same problem more often then not when I write.
However I will hold out hope that this will become something to remember as I think this is a rather interesting take on the Gamer system and I honestly want to read more.
It's interesting but... this makes for a dry (or at least I found it to be) reading.
But regardless I'm going to keep an eye on this thread.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

 

[jmschips]

Sorry for not posting in so long, I've been struggling with health issues that make even pre-posting editing difficult, combined with sapping my interest in... pretty much everything. Unfortunately, the treatment I need has been delayed another 2 months due to the doctor's office messing up. On the bright side, I have been having sparks of ideas, though implementing or expanding on them is not cooperating.

On another note, before my deterioration progressed too far, I had started re-reading for sections that could be expanded on (I stalled out after chapter 3). I'm hoping someone might trawl through what I've posted looking for such sections, and post a list of them with the importance of the expansion ( e.g. High, Med, Low), organized by chapter, preferably.

While I have no intention of abandoning this project, my health issues are wreaking havoc on my ability to actually write. Additionally, I don't want to get bogged down in rewriting like I've seen happen to other authors, though I've decided editing in expansions on stuff I've skipped over is acceptable.

 

[shypunk]

please take your time your health is whats important

 

[the DragonBard]

Sorry for not posting in so long, I've been struggling with health issues that make even pre-posting editing difficult, combined with sapping my interest in... pretty much everything. Unfortunately, the treatment I need has been delayed another 2 months due to the doctor's office messing up. On the bright side, I have been having sparks of ideas, though implementing or expanding on them is not cooperating.

On another note, before my deterioration progressed too far, I had started re-reading for sections that could be expanded on (I stalled out after chapter 3). I'm hoping someone might trawl through what I've posted looking for such sections, and post a list of them with the importance of the expansion ( e.g. High, Med, Low), organized by chapter, preferably.

While I have no intention of abandoning this project, my health issues are wreaking havoc on my ability to actually write. Additionally, I don't want to get bogged down in rewriting like I've seen happen to other authors, though I've decided editing in expansions on stuff I've skipped over is acceptable.

Click to shrink...

Sorry about your health issues.
Both of my younger siblings have had life long life threatening medical issues, so I know how those kinds of things can wreck your life.
Fortunately they're both much better now, though still have to be careful with some things

As for what sections can be expanded on, I'm sorry, but my list is 'everything.'
I've said it before, but most chapters come across as synopsis rather than actual chapters.

 

[Okibruez]

Sorry for not posting in so long, I've been struggling with health issues that make even pre-posting editing difficult, combined with sapping my interest in... pretty much everything. Unfortunately, the treatment I need has been delayed another 2 months due to the doctor's office messing up. On the bright side, I have been having sparks of ideas, though implementing or expanding on them is not cooperating.

On another note, before my deterioration progressed too far, I had started re-reading for sections that could be expanded on (I stalled out after chapter 3). I'm hoping someone might trawl through what I've posted looking for such sections, and post a list of them with the importance of the expansion ( e.g. High, Med, Low), organized by chapter, preferably.

While I have no intention of abandoning this project, my health issues are wreaking havoc on my ability to actually write. Additionally, I don't want to get bogged down in rewriting like I've seen happen to other authors, though I've decided editing in expansions on stuff I've skipped over is acceptable.

Click to shrink...

Take care of yourself first; health should never be neglected or set aside.

When you do get well, though; the prologue and chapters 1 and 2 are pretty much fine. 3 could be touched up, and after that you literally just wrote summaries for events.

 

[Strider626]

Like another person said just skip to the part you want to write
And show all this happen in the past as flashbacks or something
Your short stories thingies are great
Ya just keep in mind , no summarizing everything
Just my suggestion