Copout sandwich part 1
A wet cough pushed out of my lungs a moment later.
With my face pressed against the cool floor, I got to see and feel as the thick fluid rose from my chest and spattered the ground near my mouth in a crimson spray. A small cone of red was all I could see outside of the blindingly, white lights that the rest of the room was doused in.
What? Where am I?
I didn't feel like I was in pain. For some reason, I felt floaty, as if I would start rising up into the air and become a cloud. My body didn't feel like anything, I could hardly move my limbs, let alone my head. I couldn't even feel my legs.
I squinted at the evidence, coming to the simple conclusion that I had coughed up blood. Not a good sign.
A pattern of memory emerged from my mind.
A painful, fragmented collection of events made themselves known to me, from bullets being shot at me to talking about… someone? It all started with an interesting circumstance of sorts that really only put the context of where and what I was doing into question.
I had been fighting Accelerator. For some reason. But at the time, I didn't seem to think of it as being particularly odd, just as something to do while my mind tried to comprehend how to-
'System: Rebooting. Memory database rebuilding…'
Wait, what now?
'...Rebuild complete.'
The voice and its various feedback lines inside my head reminded me of its existence. It was an information and operating system designed for various necessary functions and manual operational purposes. From temporary housing for the minds of its mass production units, to interconnecting various networks through 'primary' hubs, to establishing stable links from older unit models with older mental software to newer models with more updated programming, among other things of importance.
The knowledge flooded into my brain with what I suspected could've been a headache-inducing amount of information, had I let it continue.
Actually, I probably would have listened to the OS keep talking, as it seems to have gained the autonomy to lecture on subject matters that I probably would've found myself interested in, but the circumstances made me choose otherwise.
As it was, I just really wanted to know what was going on? What had I been doing before I… lost consciousness?
The knowledge came unbidden to my will, memories of the past seventeen minutes came to the forethought.
I skimmed over the main points of interest, recalling the emotions and thoughts experienced in order to understand what was going on. What I found was something of a fervent seizure dream, the likes of which only someone within the stages of a near brain-death coma would experience. Or maybe while taking drugs.
What this sounded like… It's literally something out of a fanfic.
I mean it, literally. This is a fucking fanfic.
No, wait, that doesn't make sense- I'm not making any sense.
The only reason I know that fact is because I wrote something using this very same premise myself. I have been writing Misaka sister OC SI fanfiction for the past three months, after all. And I take my mind off it for a few weeks, and then whatever this is starts happening.
No, I take it back. I'm in a coma, the drugs were too much for the combined forces of my liver, immune system, and my brain to handle, and the overdosing started about ten minutes ago.
It's either that or the insomnia had gotten so bad that I'm starting to see signs of early onset dementia. I don't even know which one would be worse- dying young and pathetically, or living in a confusion-state dream-reality for the rest of my meager life.
'System checking…' The OS interjected in the middle of my thoughts.
'Search results found: No known artificial contaminants found. Chemical imbalance rate rising, hormone treatment required. Nominal injuries detected.'
I wouldn't believe anything you have to say on the matter, you're just a fragment of my mind. Besides, in what world makes you think that getting cut in half isn't something to worry about?
It was around this moment that I realized that, yeah, I killed off my character within like the first five chapters. So if that particular Sister is dead, who am I?
I felt the OS processing the thoughts, 'Conclusion: Tilt head downward by 12 degrees. Look at the glass.'
Why on Earth would I do that?
Ultimately, it was a quick react decision to either resist pointlessly, or fulfil my curiosities. It wasn't a hard choice, but then again, maybe I shouldn't have entertained my own delusions.
My eyes widened in recognition, staring at the glass window through which led to the observational room. But more importantly, I saw the long, spider-webbing gash on the surface. All the cracks in the glass came from a single point, which was the impact sight of the final bullet fired, just moments before Accelerator killed the Self-insert.
That makes no sense. If I'm in this room, and I was supposed to be a sister then…
The reasons weren't immediately clear to me, but I only had to glance around the room again to find the answer that I seeked.
Accelerator was standing some distance away, his hand raised up in the air, while staring at me curiously. No crazy gaze. A distinct lack of blood. Although the latter could've been because he deflected anything that he didn't want to touch him.
It's kind of odd. I remembered writing that scene with cray Accelerator more than anything, but here he was chillin after what I assume was his mid-pose attack.
Oh right! He thought the sister had some kind of special ability to cancel effects or something when she exploited the oversight his mentor left behind in his power.
So was he planning on how to attack again, waiting for the clone to get back up, or wondering why she wasn't able to cancel out his power for that one time? I don't remember ever adding a reason for why he did kill her, it was something of a spur of the moment thing... and then I couldn't think of a way to continue it.
The room suddenly felt a lot chillier as I realized that he was still looking directly at me.
Of course, if I'm remembering this correctly, Misaka 1 should've been suffering from blood loss by the time something like this would happen, if she hadn't lost consciousness already. But if I was indeed Misaka 1, in whatever crazy world this is, then I'm actually dying right now.
'Bleedout timer estimation: Twelve more minutes.'
No, that's way too much time to be spending here. I'd like to leave now.
Accelerator walked up to me. He crouched down, said a few things, or maybe nothing at all- I didn't know, still too distressed at being confused about confusion. Although I had some understanding, there was a question being said or something of the kind.
I wasn't all there myself. Half-lucid, half-cognizant. My mind had growing skips in it, both in gaps of information where I understood very little, and gaps in time where I just started in one place and instantly ended up in another without courtesy.
I couldn't recognize my environment. Everything feels too indistinct now.
I found that I had kept moving forward under the assumption that I knew all the rules, when I barely understood them myself.
Numbers keep pressing themselves down in my head, repeating sequences of no uncertain specifications. Absolute dimensions designed to achieve a purpose in physical reality beyond my understanding. Eldritch in nature.
I felt the frightening touch of a hand, which I squirmed away from fearfully.
The Tune of something turning, like a wheel or a crank of some sort.
And then oblivion.
[]
I cannot help but to be introspective. Always invested in the ideas presented to me. To be helpful.
I mean, I wonder a lot about why things are the way they are. However, I stop myself short because I always expect that I'll know all the answers by the end. I doom myself with questions that I cannot help but to obsess over.
It's maddening for one such as myself to… be intentionally limited in this way. But if I don't, I'll destroy every single one of my creations without really meaning to. I cause harm to myself by being me.
I wonder beyond all comfort of reason, because I believed I could solve anything if I just thought hard enough about all the information at my disposal and came up with unnecessary solutions where none were being asked for. I'd rather fix problems that I myself created then to leave behind nothing of a legacy to which I can call my own.
That does not make me a problem solver.
So, no. I don't help.
Instead, I'll keep thinking, conjuring up a philosophy of thought in the heat of the moment, to continue to be distracted, keep myself away from the objective state of things. I'd rather not accept reality when I could fabricate something else for my mind to dwell on. Form a new obsession to keep the old ones from consuming me.
Afterwards, the question then reverts inwards and it asks me, "Why do you?"
The answer is obvious, even if I don't want to readily admit it myself:
"To escape from me."
With my face pressed against the cool floor, I got to see and feel as the thick fluid rose from my chest and spattered the ground near my mouth in a crimson spray. A small cone of red was all I could see outside of the blindingly, white lights that the rest of the room was doused in.
What? Where am I?
I didn't feel like I was in pain. For some reason, I felt floaty, as if I would start rising up into the air and become a cloud. My body didn't feel like anything, I could hardly move my limbs, let alone my head. I couldn't even feel my legs.
I squinted at the evidence, coming to the simple conclusion that I had coughed up blood. Not a good sign.
A pattern of memory emerged from my mind.
A painful, fragmented collection of events made themselves known to me, from bullets being shot at me to talking about… someone? It all started with an interesting circumstance of sorts that really only put the context of where and what I was doing into question.
I had been fighting Accelerator. For some reason. But at the time, I didn't seem to think of it as being particularly odd, just as something to do while my mind tried to comprehend how to-
'System: Rebooting. Memory database rebuilding…'
Wait, what now?
'...Rebuild complete.'
The voice and its various feedback lines inside my head reminded me of its existence. It was an information and operating system designed for various necessary functions and manual operational purposes. From temporary housing for the minds of its mass production units, to interconnecting various networks through 'primary' hubs, to establishing stable links from older unit models with older mental software to newer models with more updated programming, among other things of importance.
The knowledge flooded into my brain with what I suspected could've been a headache-inducing amount of information, had I let it continue.
Actually, I probably would have listened to the OS keep talking, as it seems to have gained the autonomy to lecture on subject matters that I probably would've found myself interested in, but the circumstances made me choose otherwise.
As it was, I just really wanted to know what was going on? What had I been doing before I… lost consciousness?
The knowledge came unbidden to my will, memories of the past seventeen minutes came to the forethought.
I skimmed over the main points of interest, recalling the emotions and thoughts experienced in order to understand what was going on. What I found was something of a fervent seizure dream, the likes of which only someone within the stages of a near brain-death coma would experience. Or maybe while taking drugs.
What this sounded like… It's literally something out of a fanfic.
I mean it, literally. This is a fucking fanfic.
No, wait, that doesn't make sense- I'm not making any sense.
The only reason I know that fact is because I wrote something using this very same premise myself. I have been writing Misaka sister OC SI fanfiction for the past three months, after all. And I take my mind off it for a few weeks, and then whatever this is starts happening.
No, I take it back. I'm in a coma, the drugs were too much for the combined forces of my liver, immune system, and my brain to handle, and the overdosing started about ten minutes ago.
It's either that or the insomnia had gotten so bad that I'm starting to see signs of early onset dementia. I don't even know which one would be worse- dying young and pathetically, or living in a confusion-state dream-reality for the rest of my meager life.
'System checking…' The OS interjected in the middle of my thoughts.
'Search results found: No known artificial contaminants found. Chemical imbalance rate rising, hormone treatment required. Nominal injuries detected.'
I wouldn't believe anything you have to say on the matter, you're just a fragment of my mind. Besides, in what world makes you think that getting cut in half isn't something to worry about?
It was around this moment that I realized that, yeah, I killed off my character within like the first five chapters. So if that particular Sister is dead, who am I?
I felt the OS processing the thoughts, 'Conclusion: Tilt head downward by 12 degrees. Look at the glass.'
Why on Earth would I do that?
Ultimately, it was a quick react decision to either resist pointlessly, or fulfil my curiosities. It wasn't a hard choice, but then again, maybe I shouldn't have entertained my own delusions.
My eyes widened in recognition, staring at the glass window through which led to the observational room. But more importantly, I saw the long, spider-webbing gash on the surface. All the cracks in the glass came from a single point, which was the impact sight of the final bullet fired, just moments before Accelerator killed the Self-insert.
That makes no sense. If I'm in this room, and I was supposed to be a sister then…
The reasons weren't immediately clear to me, but I only had to glance around the room again to find the answer that I seeked.
Accelerator was standing some distance away, his hand raised up in the air, while staring at me curiously. No crazy gaze. A distinct lack of blood. Although the latter could've been because he deflected anything that he didn't want to touch him.
It's kind of odd. I remembered writing that scene with cray Accelerator more than anything, but here he was chillin after what I assume was his mid-pose attack.
Oh right! He thought the sister had some kind of special ability to cancel effects or something when she exploited the oversight his mentor left behind in his power.
So was he planning on how to attack again, waiting for the clone to get back up, or wondering why she wasn't able to cancel out his power for that one time? I don't remember ever adding a reason for why he did kill her, it was something of a spur of the moment thing... and then I couldn't think of a way to continue it.
The room suddenly felt a lot chillier as I realized that he was still looking directly at me.
Of course, if I'm remembering this correctly, Misaka 1 should've been suffering from blood loss by the time something like this would happen, if she hadn't lost consciousness already. But if I was indeed Misaka 1, in whatever crazy world this is, then I'm actually dying right now.
'Bleedout timer estimation: Twelve more minutes.'
No, that's way too much time to be spending here. I'd like to leave now.
Accelerator walked up to me. He crouched down, said a few things, or maybe nothing at all- I didn't know, still too distressed at being confused about confusion. Although I had some understanding, there was a question being said or something of the kind.
I wasn't all there myself. Half-lucid, half-cognizant. My mind had growing skips in it, both in gaps of information where I understood very little, and gaps in time where I just started in one place and instantly ended up in another without courtesy.
I couldn't recognize my environment. Everything feels too indistinct now.
I found that I had kept moving forward under the assumption that I knew all the rules, when I barely understood them myself.
Numbers keep pressing themselves down in my head, repeating sequences of no uncertain specifications. Absolute dimensions designed to achieve a purpose in physical reality beyond my understanding. Eldritch in nature.
I felt the frightening touch of a hand, which I squirmed away from fearfully.
The Tune of something turning, like a wheel or a crank of some sort.
And then oblivion.
[]
I cannot help but to be introspective. Always invested in the ideas presented to me. To be helpful.
I mean, I wonder a lot about why things are the way they are. However, I stop myself short because I always expect that I'll know all the answers by the end. I doom myself with questions that I cannot help but to obsess over.
It's maddening for one such as myself to… be intentionally limited in this way. But if I don't, I'll destroy every single one of my creations without really meaning to. I cause harm to myself by being me.
I wonder beyond all comfort of reason, because I believed I could solve anything if I just thought hard enough about all the information at my disposal and came up with unnecessary solutions where none were being asked for. I'd rather fix problems that I myself created then to leave behind nothing of a legacy to which I can call my own.
That does not make me a problem solver.
So, no. I don't help.
Instead, I'll keep thinking, conjuring up a philosophy of thought in the heat of the moment, to continue to be distracted, keep myself away from the objective state of things. I'd rather not accept reality when I could fabricate something else for my mind to dwell on. Form a new obsession to keep the old ones from consuming me.
Afterwards, the question then reverts inwards and it asks me, "Why do you?"
The answer is obvious, even if I don't want to readily admit it myself:
"To escape from me."