Generalissimo
Generalissimo of SufficientVelocity
- Location
- Tropico, Tropico
That's because Taylor isn't over Brian yet.
Twinning(s) [Worm Altpower]
- Thread starter Harbin
- Start date
- Location
- New Yor\k
Holy. Shit. Didn't you say you were going to stop? Drop it.
I did drop it.
Just commenting on the newest chapter. I am allowed a opinion. Same as you.
At least my comment was actually on topic and about the actual story. Amiright?
Come to think of it... I can't think of a single reason to care what you think.
=shrug=
Every creative work needs a voice of dissent. Otherwise we fall into complacency.
1.12
- Location
- United States
1.12
Console. Consoling. Pretty much the same thing, when you looked at it. You got to talk to people about their failures, and excuse your own. Begging, pleading, that was part of the job, and Gallant wasn't there to see, so all he got was the absolutely convincing lie.
She didn't mean to direct them that way, while she directed them the other in the one she'd be keeping. Poor Aegis. He was really quite heartless. Or perhaps it was his lung. It was hard to tell, because his trachea was also—not doing so well. Taylor was sure he'd find it somewhere.
Ah well.
Taylor clucked sympathetically. That's what she was, really. A big mother hen. Full of comfort and kindness. She had to get her story straight though, before she told it to Emma. Describing this would be fantastic, but sometimes it was a little difficult. She didn't want to do anything while accidentally describing the other thing.
Ah well.
It all boiled down to responsibility in the end. Just like eggs. And she was hardboiled as they came. Or something. Devilled eggs. She wanted some. Taylor considered hanging up on them, going to get some, but it wasn't worth it. She had to be responsible, after all. Hold to her guns, talk it out, deal with it all. The path that led them down that alleyway, an angry Bitch at the end, that was most definitely her fault. Or rather, it wasn't, kind of. It was more like she made two choices and watched as the worse one happened. Like a movie. She really wanted to eat popcorn, but it would cut into her blubbering explanation time.
It was just so fun. Gallant was so righteously angry, but also unsure in that anger, trying to be kind as she 'tearfully' apologized. Oh no, I'm so sorry, I got it wrong, it wasn't supposed to happen like that. He was suspicious, but he couldn't verify it.
That unsureness welled up, ballooned, and it was just so satisfying. He didn't know. He honestly wasn't sure, because her contrition seemed so real, at least over the connection.
'Yeah I was just fucking with you the whole time,' was just—lacking something. It didn't have that particular touch, that jibe that would jab deep. Taylor wanted to find it. This was probably the best way to do it to Gallant, where she had an advantage. But she didn't want to watch that ping off his mech-suit, which Taylor wanted to steal, she wanted to find out what made him go. Where his gears greeted, where his thoughts ticked, and most of all, how to disrupt that. Each person was so different! It was amazing. They all had different things that made them crumple up, swell up, and pop.
She made the noise with her lips.
It was hard to make opportunities to test him, though. They were just too good at their jobs, and honestly, it was fun giving them the right (and wrong) instructions. What was that old story? A stockbroker had a portfolio of a bunch of people, then chose to invest in one with 50%, and another with the rest or something?
Playing people for fools, taking their money and abusing it, changing, exchanging, controlling it. It was a juxtaposition, a dichotomy that lent cheer to her in both. Oops, she almost let that smile and tone creep through.
Each betrayal was a new one, and each direction she gave was accompanied with more trust, more faith in her. The cycle continued, and the duo returned almost completely unscathed. What a miracle.
Hm. She'd have to make some mistakes next time, so that they didn't put too much stock in her next time. A mistake of her own, born from (rightful) arrogance.
Taylor sighed. Such responsibility.
They congratulated her, Gallant looked a little less creeped out, and she smiled and shook their hands. Nothing funny this time, the two were generally genial but serious.
It was boring. Boring boring boring. Taylor wanted to go out there and fight. To hit things, to make them fall, to prove that she was better, and wanted to test her abilities. Flick those timelines open, flick them shut. Punch them, in one, kick them in the other. The one where she didn't get hit, she'd keep. That simple, no need for stupid-waiting-for-shit.
She said so. Slightly more politely than that.
Maybe once she'd gotten clearance, they said. She didn't even have a codename yet, they said. She wasn't ready, they said.
Wasn't ready? What constituted ready? The training they gave Shadow Stalker? The person she'd been trouncing and bouncing off the ground for weeks? Her head had probably hit the floor more times than her feet had hit the track. Her bones splintered more times than—people disliked the lunch meat at Winslow? Taylor wasn't sure how many times that had been, and that wasn't a fake-out, either. She genuinely wasn't sure.
It wasn't like she took stock and counted every single bone that broke. Just checked to see what move did what, and what did the most damage. That was veeery important. Scientific method. Test, retest. Find the P value? P being Pain? Something.
Taylor hummed, considering their other points. What was she going to get, some dead philosopher's name? Ripped from the grave to serve her? Maybe name herself after a font of knowledge? If she named herself like, Aesara or Nietzsche, the latter would probably get her called out as supporting the E88 or something? The first would probably work. Cassandra would be a pretty great terrible name, too. Pythia? That had potential.
And then nobody would get the humor, which almost made it funnier except not, because it wasn't as funny if she couldn't see the expressions of horrified realization. Or at least hear it in their voices, as they fumbled for steady ground. All that jazz.
But no.
They wanted to give her something boring, something nice and press-friendly. Something that would let them cater to the public, that would let them avoid many of the problems that came from Clockblocker, from Shadow Stalker, (Requiescat in pace,) to make her a model Ward. Maybe they'd look up to her. See her as a model.
Well, Taylor knew one thing and that was that she hated the person they'd assigned to her.
A girl. Her name was Ethel Rellington, and wow, she looked like she'd been trying to break away from that since day one. To her, it was a great attempt of trying to give her some sort of image, for her grand reveal. As a favor to the poor, disillusioned Ward, who obviously didn't know anything about anyone. Ethel wanted a little exhibit to parade her around with, to show that, 'look! Shadow Stalker really did move, and we got this new Ward right here! We pulled them out of a hat, and this time the hat didn't have bloodstains!' Sadly, they didn't get along very well. Taylor gave her a chance. She really did. It was true.
She liked the idea of knuckle dusters.
"Noooo, that doesn't fit with the image we want to project. Please, consider these—"
She wanted to try body armor.
"But then you'll lose the slimness of your figure, you'd be better off with—"
What about a nice sword. Something stabby. Like right about—
"No, you can't have thaaat, you need to use this, or that, or—"
Now. Yeah.
Yeeaaah. Taylor had been patient. Plenty patient. Tons of it. Literal tons. Two thousand pounds of patience. It had taken up the entire room, until pop, there it went.
Taylor didn't regret the things she did in that room. Nobody would.
She told Emma, the less—graphic details. She flounced around after hearing that Taylor had a personal 'assistant,' dedicated to improving her image, wanted to suggest some ideas of her own, some pieces and parts that Taylor actually didn't hate, although she only showed mild approval, and made sure to take them apart, piece by piece at the same time.
This piece tied into her insecurities about her stomach, which wasn't entirely flat, unlike Taylor's, this piece was about her legs, which weren't as nice or as long as Taylors, oh, was she trying to accentuate the nonexistent bust Taylor had with this idea? What a terrible concept. Did she have no shame? Each piece got picked apart vindictively, spitefully, with a grim glee that saw Emma slowly cringe, as she half-whispered explanations. No, she hadn't—no, she didn't mean to—she was sorry, so sorry.
That cheered her up before closing that bit, complimenting Emma and thanking her for the ideas. She even told Emma all about the bit on Console duty, where she'd been the eye in the sky for the two (single and attractive) Wards. She'd done flawlessly.
Emma was very, very jealous. Taylor smiled.
She slept over, and Emma didn't have a panic attack that night. Just like old times. Very happy, very pleasing stuff.
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- Location
- Down Under
Not even timeline powers can stop the PR machine
- Location
- Germany
This part of the story just isn't doing it for me, I can't really explain, but I'll try. Hmm, it doesn't really make me feel anything, Taylor's mindset already feels so alien that I can't really be shocked by any of it. Killing others she knows and torturing them just because she can? Hmm yeah, seen her do it before, she doesn't really feel much for it, neither do I. The chapter felt stagnant, Taylor did what she's done before and stays who she is, nothing gained, nothing lost.
Still, I enjoyed it, I think I'm not really going to follow this one like the SB counterpart, but it's still high-quality content that's different from the masses of alt-power wish fulfillment fics I favor. Thanks for that.
Still, I enjoyed it, I think I'm not really going to follow this one like the SB counterpart, but it's still high-quality content that's different from the masses of alt-power wish fulfillment fics I favor. Thanks for that.
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SolipsistSerpent
Endlessly Devouring
I like this story but I do agree that this update and the last update cover very much the same ground. Technically events progress slightly but it doesn't feel like anything truly new happened which makes this one a bit stale.
This might have been a nice 'breather' chapter, if it had been between a couple big shake-ups but it's not good on the heels of a similar one.
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redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
Oh no, 2 whole chapters without the world ending? How can you even call this story worm?!?!?!?
TetsuoS2
現地のタコです。
- Location
- 海
I don't necessarily disagree, but maybe Harbin's trying to show that Taylor herself is going stale? Like she has lost all direction, no anchor, no real goals. Any competent gang leader wouldn't even take her in a team, if she wanted to get into one. Lung or Kaiser would probably think that she's basically a double-edged sword or something, I don't really know if she could act to fool them.
Feels like she's just trying to finish off some bucket list and is suicidal.
She's way past full-Coil and into Jack Slash/Bonesaw level of cruelty.
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globalwarmth
ruining the weather.
- Location
- Polar ice caps
I like this side better than the other waff y timeline n.n
- Location
- portland oregon
This almost feels like the point in a loop fic where the main character is finally starting to lose it. Like, maybe 1000 years in or so. Before they reach equalibrium.
- Pronouns
- she/her
I'm sure she'll fuck up soon, and then Gallant will Understand. And desperately help her cover it up, because he knows how utterly fucked he is if he doesn't?
(he's still going to suffer)
(he's still going to suffer)
Ganurath
Literal Enthusiast
- Location
- A Valid Location
- Pronouns
- He/Him
What are you talking about? A world ends every time Taylor drops a timeline. This is the Wormiest Worm fic that ever Wormed.Oh no, 2 whole chapters without the world ending? How can you even call this story worm?!?!?!?
- Location
- United States
I think that there's shock value in what Taylor does, and then that shock value slowly dies. She retreads old ground, and then retreads it again, and keeps trying to find new and 'interesting' things, reacting to provocation violently. It's a really unhealthy cycle and she is stale. As a human being she's pretty fundamentally broken.
The only way for further decline is to do things that I don't want to write.
Someone this far gone might realistically do those things, but eh.
Admittedly, I'm also getting back into the swing of things, and finding the type of dark humor I want to use. The prose, terrible jokes, and references is what I've been focusing on because I feel that's kind of central. There's a big difference in 1.11/1.12 in that aspect. 1.10 is hugely "introspective" (as in she looks at others and takes them apart but doesn't do the same to herself, but a lot of those pieces are inside her,) and I think that is also a key aspect that I need to reincorporate.
There isn't going to be a redemption arc, because that isn't what this side of the story is about. Taylor is much more likely to drag people down with her. She's plateaued in terms of sanity, somewhere in the Marianas trench. That's why I'm setting up the stuff with the Wards. I think Gallant is a pretty smart dude, and has some serious concerns.
But for now I ask for clemency on the basis that I'm trying to sync back up in terms of style, when I did nothing but Cutting Ties. ...Which made it a lot easier to do the idyllic sweetness of SB version.
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Spectrum
Tell me a secret~
- Location
- Behind you~
To QQ with you!
SolipsistSerpent
Endlessly Devouring
I think you're both confused. I didn't say that things have to further decline. I just said that nothing really different happens. In both this chapter and the last chapter Taylor screws with the Wards, debates her cape name, and thinks about telling Emma all about it.
Also, it probably doesn't help that this one's largely a summary of what's going on. We don't get to see any full conversations just hear them in broad-strokes. Same with the fights that Taylor's apparently helping the Wards with. There's no immediacy to the events because they aren't fully explored. It leaves the impression of not much happening.
Anzer'ke
Anarchism Ho!
- Location
- Hyperborea
That's something I've seen before in 40k. It's exactly how Slaneesh worshipers work.
Push the boundaries until you've grown bored and jaded, then push them some more. Keep going until you have to be filled to the brim with drugs and use sonic weaponry so powerful it can vaporize people, because that's the only way you can even feel something anymore.
redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
I just hate it when it sounds like people are complaining, so I unironically complain about complaining rather often...
And there's a line between honest criticism and pointless complaint; I'm just kinda blind and often miss it.
Anyways, what I was trying to get across with my world-ending joke is that sometimes, time passes with not much happening. Story of my life right there. Harbin's options if thats what he wants in his story is to either skip it, or power through it. Taylor is in a bad place, and isn't getting better by herself. That's what I got out of this chapter. I also understood that Taylor is learning more about the wards, and struggling with Gallant in particular. If that last chapter hadn't existed or been skipped over, I wouldn't have the same understanding of Taylor's situation as I would otherwise.
This.
I really miss Cutting Ties. Harbin , that one was fresh, new, inventive, and while it ended on a string of expisition heavy chapters about a conversation ut felt like stuff was happening. You know?
The social fu was strong there, and it was fun to read. I'd have tried to interrupt all the talking at the end with an interlude, or something, but it all had momentum and direction.
...I guess a bunch of people are going to get huffy if I say this chapter was pretty shallow. That it didn't really go anywhere.
Violated the rule of show don't tell so badly they skipped right over life in prison and went right to the chair.
I mean, exposition chapters can work. They can. But generally by the end of a good one you can tell you went somewhere with it all. This one was a confuseing muddle for the first half.
I actually could not for the life of me tell you what Gallant and... Vista? It was Vista right? I have no idea what they were doing. I have only a vague idea what relevance Taylor's action had to theirs.
And if you go back over the past four-ish chapters this is litterally the exact same thing that's already happened... three times now I think?
Yeah. Three times.
It's just... not a very good chapter, and you're repeating the same day you already wrote- wrote better -earlier.
A couple people have said maybe it's some kind of artustic thing. 'Taylir herself going stale' I think it was?
I guess you could say that, but ultimately it's just ...
Do you know I'm taking design in college right now?
Something I've learned in doing so is that, while you can forego a focal point, deride balance, abstain from a strong color scheme, and make the 'artistic choice' to not adhere to any underlying message... the end result will be an muddled mess. You can claim it's an 'artistic choice', but what you have in the end is a muddled, unfocused, eye-searing mess.
Some people will actually try to say that it doesnt matter. But it does.
So, sorry. This chapter... It's just not very good. And I think it's at least partially the premise. Because, yes, it is the logical end result. But it's the logical end result and it's driveing your story into a rut.
If your story is built on shock value it's built on very little indeed.
And... well I won't go argueing about weather human beings can be 'broken' since I know what a thoughtful and introspective reception that gets.
I will, however, point out that you are unquestionably useing it as a crutch at this point. If your explenation for something is 'she's broken' then yes, you aren't thinking about what you're writing any more.
I strongly suspect that if you were asked to articulate just how she is broken you might find that her actions do not actually fit that model. It's an excuse, it really is.
...you do understand that the other half is not just sweetness, and that is why it's good?
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- Location
- United States
I find your criticism distasteful, honestly.
It tends to attack my writing, not constructively improve it, putting your views upon mine, rather than simply not reading. If you don't like my writing, think it's 'eye-searing,' the door is right there. You don't have to read it, nobody is forcing you to.
It also attacks me as a person, because it implies that I don't know what I'm doing, as seen above.
I used overly reductive language as to why, because there's a style, a flow, a rhythm, that I try to get into with characters, and in this; I am still trying to get back into that. It's harder with some, it's easier with others. I'm retreading old ground, and am trying to find where I'm comfortable.
There is a tact in constructive criticism. If you don't like that, please. Please leave.
Do you honestly think you're helping? Because I really don't. Perhaps I'm being vindictive, I'm not entirely certain. But I can look at other posters, see that they have problems, and say 'okay, that's an issue I can see, that's something I can work on,' but your posts always seem confrontational to me.
=sigh=
Harbin, I don't know wat to say. I'm a naturally cranky person, and when I'm not cranky I'm blunt.
And in this case frustrated. Deeply, deeply frustrated. I know you have it in you to write better than this, but I'm haveing a lot of trouble articulsteing it. You're cutting yourself off- writing yourself into a corner by ruleing out any introspection. A lot of the edits I want to reccomend would require some of that and I guess that frustration came out in my writing.
There are a lot of ways to fix this chapter- some don't even require ant cutting. You could, fir example, segue into Taylor talking to Doctor Yamada, or another doctor. Have the chapter as it stands be her summarizeing a day or something. It doesn't have to be a 'fluff' thing. You could have her conduct two different conversations and come to the wrong conclusions...
Or, have Taylor reflect on how empty her current routine is and come to the wrong conclusions there and go off hunting villains on her own time.
Or, get picked to assist in Thinker support somewhere else or something. Though that likely runs the risk of reflection or another Thinker getting exposed to her and commenting or something.
It keeps comeing back to how you say you don't want her thinking about her situation. You say you don't want her reflective and thst really cuts into what you can do with her.
...and then you keep saying she's 'broken'. From my perspective that sounds like a stand in that, again, you don't want her thinking about. It sounds like the denial stage of greif to me, but you haven't developed it, and to add that theme to the story (or even allude to it) would probably require at least some self reflection.
Again, frustrating.
It's more tragic, and possibly funnier, not to mention more beliveable if Taylor had relapses on this path you set for her. But that requires her to be thinking and choosing. But you keep saying you don't want that even though I said it's hurting you writing.
...as for the eye-searing thing...
I'm still here because I know you can do, and have done, better.
I'm very blunt. So maybe that particular analogy was too heavy handed. But the point- that you can't just cut out an avenue of character developnent and expect your story not to feel it, without seriously compensateing- that, I maintain.
...
I did not mean any offense. I hope that helps you understand where I'm comeing from more and that you find my it helpful.
- Location
- New Yor\k
Why, why, why are you still at it. You've been told by the author, twice now, that your criticism isn't helpful or wanted. You're not offering anything constructive beyond "I don't like how the story's going, therefore it's bad writing." Condescending shit like
makes me admire Harbin for not just engaging allcaps at you, or asking for a threadban. It's doubly annoying because every post I've seen you write is an incoherent mess. You were told to drop it - that doesn't mean coming back after every chapter to say petty tripe like
makes me admire Harbin for not just engaging allcaps at you, or asking for a threadban. It's doubly annoying because every post I've seen you write is an incoherent mess. You were told to drop it - that doesn't mean coming back after every chapter to say petty tripe like
So, go! Be free! Feel free to partake of any other work on this site that doesn't horribly offend your sensibilities.
Warning: Warning
warning
@Racheakt, after looking over the history of the thread it seems like you're dissatisfied with the direction the story has taken, going as far back as your first post. That's your prerogative, but the resulting discussion has proven disruptive, so I'm removing you from the thread for two weeks without an infraction. This seems like the best option for all parties involved; if you decide to return after that, please frame your feedback more mindfully.