Pipeweed isn't tobacco. That wasn't something I knew until I came across some. I knew it grew outside of Mordor but I've never left the region myself, and then I found a weird looking weed growing stubbornly to the edge of a hidden volcanic spring on the plains of Gorgoroth and I had a nerdy looking uruk captain tell me what it was in exchange for a bottle of 'premium' grog. Turns out it was pipweed. Naturally grown and matured Mordor pipeweed.
I didn't smoke before. But the smog of Mordor is just like smoking so I didn't see the harm in giving it a shot for the first time and you know what? It was spicy. Pleasantly spicy, not 'torture designed as spice' spicy. I know it's supposed to be smoked in a pipe, so I carved my own from caragor bone and whenever I needed to sit down and have a 'big-think'n' moment somewhere private I find the pipe in my hand.
Right now I'm thinking about the orders I'm holding, given to me by an empty-eyed messenger. When I say 'empty-eyed' I mean that someone had removed both of his eyes. Not that he wasn't paying attention. He said they did that to him so he couldn't read the message he delivered me.
Talk about OPSEC...
It was a roll of parchment sent by the Black Hand. Orders of course, written in finely printed Black Speech. For my long history of service to the Dark Lord I was to be given the honor of leading the attack on the Black Gates. Apparently, it was finally time to end the reign of Gondorian men in Mordor.
I took a puff of my pipe. I knew I wasn't smoking it correctly but I couldn't care less.
I knew what was coming. A ritual, meant to draw forth the spirit of an elf lord from the distant past. A family would die, so that the wraith who lost his would be brought back into this world. But the elf wouldn't cooperate of course, and the captain of the Black Gate would find himself banished from death... At least that's what would've happened if I haven't been working to change the future since I was pulled from a vat kicking and screaming into a world that wasn't mine inside of a body that definitely wasn't mine.
Behind me I heard the sound of somebody trying to be sneaky, and failing miserably. I took another puff of my pipe, and the strong spicy smell of Mordor pipeweed filled the air.
"I know you're there tark. Just cause your old man is teaching you tah sneak around doesn't mean you're a ranger yet." I said, and didn't even bother turning around.
I was sitting on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ash-filled plains that lay just beyond the Black Gate with the hill I climbed behind me. I heard slow and cautious footsteps behind me moving until the man I had wanted to meet slowly stepped into view on my left side, one hand on his sword even if it wasn't drawn yet. For two, almost three, years now I've been feeding info to the Gondorians via an overeager ranger-in-training. A ranger-in-training who's been desperate to prove himself and stupid enough to walk into Mordor and believe the words of an uruk who chose to spare him.
"I saw the message uruk. Black smoke. Tell me what is so urgent or so help me!"
I finally turned and gave Dirhael, son of Talion, an unimpressed look. Then I blew smoke from my pipe in his direction and watched him cough and try to wave the clinging smoke away. I waited for him to finish before I spoke again.
"You're gonna want to sit down for this one tark. Sure, I've told yah 'bout supply caches and ways tah free slaves, but this is a big one. You're gonna want tah be sittin' for it."
Dirhael obviously didn't want to sit down anywhere near me, but I refused to say anything more until he sat. We've done this plenty of times before and he knew how it went. I invited him to a secret meeting, he threatens me, I ignore the threats and tell him to sit down, eventually he sits, I tell him the info I have, and then he rushes off without saying 'thank you' to tell a ranger what he 'discovered' or to do something really stupid and act on the info himself. But this time is different. I wouldn't have him rush off until he understood just how much schrak he was in.
Eventually he sat a fair distance away from me with one hand still on his sword, and I had to resist the urge to chuckle at how well he was trained.
I held out the message I was given and he snatched it from my hand. He opens it up and scowls. "I can't read whatever this is uruk."
"How bout the signature at the bottom? Can you read that?"
I watch him look at the bottom of the parchment with a scrunched up look on his face. "No. I can't read that either."
"Well the very bottom is signed 'The Black Hand'. In case you're wondering, teh hand in question belongs tah Sauron."
When I say that I instantly have his attention. As far as he and the rest of the world know the Dark Lord is dead, and has been dead for a long time. I take a puff from my pipe. Then another. Then I take another.
"What do you mean?" Dirhael finally asks, his patience failing him.
"There are three Black Captains who run Mordor when teh Nazgul ain't flappin' around. Two Numenorians and a snake. The Hammer, The Tower, and The Black Hand in dat order. They all do different things... but The Black Hand is the only one who gives orders from the Dark Lord, and speaks with his voice. Literally. What you're holding there are orders... Before I tell yah what they are, let me ask you a question."
Dirhael grits his teeth. He hates talking to me, as if every word is agony for him. I don't understand why. It's way too much effort to hate someone like me who's done nothing but help him over the years for very little in return. I don't hate my worst enemy as much as he seems to hate me. "Fine. Ask your question."
"Well, it's two or three questions, but sure. First one. Would yah save someone's life even if they hate you after you do it? Like if it was a brother or friend or something?"
"Is this going anywhere?" He practically shouts.
"Answer the question tark. It's not even a hard one. A hard question would be how you would find the length of a side on a right triangle if yah knew the length of teh other two sides."
Dirhael makes a look like he's swallowed something bitter, which isn't new when he's around me. "If it was someone I cared about, I'd save them no matter what. Even if they hated me afterwards, though I can't imagine why they would."
"What if it's your foe? Would yah save an enemy? Save a foe's life."
Now he just looks confused. "What? No? Why would I do that?"
I shrug. "Guess that's the difference between you and me tark. Oh hey, look at this." I pick up a hefty rock I found earlier and placed beside me.
Now he looks really confused. He's giving me one of those looks that the other orcs and uruks give me when they finally decide that YES. I'm not as insane as the stories make me out to be. I'm worse. Much worse, and in all the best ways.
"What's that behind you!" I shout and point behind Dirhael, my pipe falling from my mouth dramatically. He turns to look and when he does the rock I was formerly holding flies in a perfect arc and hits the back of his head. He's knocked unconscious and I pick my pipe back up. Still lit. Nice.
Dirhael is tied up with some rope I brought with me, but not too tightly. When he wakes up it will be a while before he can wiggle free. Wriggle free? Words are hard.
I also pick up a sword and smash it against some rocks until it shatters into a bunch of pieces. What was once a nice sword forged by the blacksmith of the Black Gate is now just a length of steel and a hilt that forms a rather mean looking dagger. I leave an orc forged blade near Dirhael so he's not defenseless when he wakes up, and then I make my way down the hill.
I have a slaughter to command after all, and the Black Captains will be watching my every move closely. I know I'm not making the best decision I could right now, but I'm okay with that. Really, I am. What really matters is that where once two would die and the other banished from death, only one will die and another banished from death.
I saved a life today, and that has to count for something right? It matters.
It matters to me at least...