That night [NGE]

[E.D.C.]

I'm pretty late for this one, sorry about that ! Enjoy !



Day 2 :



I didn't have this notebook yesterday so what I'll just write what happened today. I could have put everything in the same entry but I wanted to relate everything day by day. So this is the day I got out of the hospital. I wasn't seriously injured during the battle, nothing more than some bruises. I spent a day there... Well, more like 30 something hours. I guess I just needed some rest. Mr Kaji came here at the end of the day. I imagine Misato needed someone to babysit me since she wasn't coming home. Too much work she said. It makes sense considering the last battle. She didn't tell me anything about you which is what worries me the most. I know that you came back and that you killed the Angel, but what happened ? Why can't I see you ? Why does nobody want to tell me anything ? Even Mr Kaji seemed worried. We didn't talk much, even I thought the silence was awkward !



What happened to you ?





Day 3 :



Mr Kaji came by again. I guess I'll have to get used to him being here from now on. He just gave me this notebook. He told me to write about what I think, what I feel. And as you can see I am doing just that. I can already see you laugh at my face for obeying orders, just like with the cello... Or the Eva. But it helps, somehow.



Misato called me some hours later. Mr Kaji was nice enough not to try and disturb me while I was in my room. She gave me good news... I think. She told me that you were still alive, that you were still in your Eva, but that something happened during the battle. From what I understood, your sync ratio was so high that you got absorbed inside your Eva. So you're still there but you aren't, and you can't leave. Misato told me that Dr Akagi had a plan to get you out, but that it would take some time. I stayed on my bed for hours afterwards I think to try and make sense of it.



I guess this notebook will serve as a way for me to relate to you what happens while you're gone. That is, if you even accept to read it. Mr Kaji told me that you and him talked before you came back, but he didn't want to tell me what it was about. He only said that you were not mad at me, and that you regretted yelling at me the last time we saw each other.



You know, I shouldn't have let you go. I should have ran after you. I learned what my fath... What the Commander did. I feel so ashamed of myself for what I did... Or didn't do. For not insisting on knowing what was bothering you. For not being there to comfort you when you needed me.



Do you remember the night we first kissed ? That night, I promised myself I wouldn't run away from you anymore. And despite my word, I did. By not following you, I did. I failed you. You will not like this, but I'm sorry. Sincerely.





Day 4 :



If everyday is like this, I won't use a lot of pages of this notebook, that's for sure. Nothing happened. Misato is still at NERV. I think she's avoiding me. I don't understand why. I already know everything, right ? Do you think she's still hiding things from me ? This is killing me ! I'm starting to think that she doesn't come home because she does have bad news to tell me.



Mr Kaji didn't come either, oddly enough. I spent the whole day alone, in my room. I didn't even bother myself with cooking. I'm not hungry, I'm sad. The only thing I feel is sadness, but the tears won't come.



Oh ! I fed Pen Pen. At least I did something today. He seems somber too. I guess he misses you as well.





Day 5 :



Misato came back today. I don't know what I was expecting though, she just drank beer after beer as soon as she passed the threshold. She didn't even come see me before. It still cheered me a little to see her, even though we hardly talked.



I thought I would be pry some information out of her in her state but she kept silent. I'm really worried now. I'm really starting to doubt that I'll be able to give you this notebook one day.



But this isn't the worst part. Do you want to know it ? She cooked for the both of us. And I realized this only when I had finished eating ! I have to do something, I can't stay like this. I didn't even think what she "cooked" was that bad, can you believe this ?





Day 6 :



Today was the first sync test since the Angel. We had to do them in the test plugs, since all the Evas are still being repaired. If another Angel attacks us, we won't last long. None of them can be used yet.



I thought this test would help me think about something else. Guess what ? It didn't. And I did horribly. I don't care to be honest. I didn't even react when Misato told me that I was barely above the activation threshold. Even Toji did better than me.



He tried to talk to me but I left as soon and as quickly as possible. I had only one thing on my mind when I came to NERV today, I wanted to see Unit 02... To see you. It was very strange to see it with all those bandages instead of the armor on its face. And its eyes They looked so... Alive... So human. I don't really know how to describe them, they were really unsettling. I had the impression that your Eva was looking at me the whole time I stayed there.



There were wires sticking out of it from everywhere. I don't know why they are here. Are they some sort of life support for you ? Are they used to monitor the Eva ? It doesn't matter. What matters to me was that you are there. I promise I'll come visit you as much as possible, but I thought about it, I can't come everyday and stay there all the time. It's already suspicious enough of me to come see Unit 02 in the first place. So I decided to come see you every time there'll be sync test or when I need to go to NERV.





Day 7 :



We talked with Misato in the evening. She told me she had realized that she hadn't been there for me and promised me that she would from now on. I guess my sync ratio was really that bad !



She promised me that she would not avoid me anymore, and that she shouldn't have done it in the first place. It still feels strange you know. I've spent most of my life alone, I'm not used to having someone tell me that sort of things. My teacher would have probably ignored me completely in this situation, and he wouldn't have apologized, or even realized how it would have made me feel.



We also talked about relationships. Like the one we used to have. It was really awkward. That's what made me realize that she was "back". She was really enjoying herself while teasing me. Overall, it was almost a normal evening. It was nice.





Day 8 :



Ayanami came to the apartment today. I was really surprised to see her. She wanted to talk to me, maybe she was worried since I didn't come back to school since the last Angel. She asked me how I felt and more importantly, why I felt this way. She didn't say it like that but what she meant was that she didn't quite understand the concept of sadness.



We didn't talk for a long time, Ayanami just came, asked me some questions and left. We talked about the Commander and this time she didn't slap me for telling her what I thought about him.





Day 9 :



I went to see the Commander today. I was about to spend yet another day doing nothing except reminiscing about you and the time we spent together when my mind took another direction. I thought about the last time we talked... The last time I saw you, except this time it didn't make me wistful, it made me angry. Very angry. So I left the apartment and went straight to my... To the Commander's office.



And I completely lost control ! It seemed so unreal, as if it was someone else, as if I was watching it from outside my body. At one point I thought he might have me arrested or something but I just didn't care, I kept going and kept going until Section 2 agents took me out of the office and back to the apartment. I'm not proud of saying that but it felt good. I just slumped when I arrived home, drained of all my energy. It's been satisfying.



I can't believe he could have been stupid enough to fire you. If we had been together... I mean all three of us, we might have been able to kill the Angel without... Your accident. I've never been this angry at anyone before. To think I used to fight to have him notice me... I'm pretty sure he has now.





Day 10 :



Venting out all my anger must have had a really good effect on me, because this morning I decided I'd go back to school. I felt confident, I thought I could overcome any challenge !



I was wrong. Very wrong. I realized this mistake as soon as I arrived. It wasn't that bad at first, I went straight to the classroom so I didn't see many people, it was pretty early.



Then all I could do was look at your empty desk. I just stayed there, dumbly looking at your desk, everyone passing by me. I didn't even acknowledge them until one of them punched my shoulder rather hard. Toji. I hadn't faced him since I almost killed him. I didn't even think about him. I was paralyzed when I saw him. If it weren't for you, he'd probably be dead, and I didn't even check on him after the battle ! So I ran. I ran away from school and went straight back to the apartment.



I thought I was safe. I was wrong, again. I underestimated Toji. He came after school. He just told me not to worry about him, that he was fine. He promised that if I continued feeling sorry about what happened he'd kick the crap out of me. He left right after that. I guess he knew I wouldn't have picked up the phone if he had called. At least he doesn't know about us.



Misato was very supportive, she reassured me when she came home, told me that I could take as much time off school as I needed. She also told me that Dr Akagi was making good progress. I have to trust her, no one knows the Evas like she does. Maya's helping a lot too.





Day 11 :



Toji and Kensuke came to see me today. It makes sense, after what happened yesterday. And I imagine Toji wanted to make sure I was doing as he had told. I'm still standing, so I guess I passed the test. Anyway, nothing really interesting happened, we just talked and payed some video games. It felt nice I have to admit. My only regret is that I can't talk to them. Not because we agreed on not telling anyone. Just because I don't feel like I want to tell them. I don't know if you see what I mean, I'm not sure I understand myself.





Day 12 :



It was Mr Kaji's turn to be here today. He wanted to know how I was feeling. We talked for a long time. About you, about Misato... He stayed a while so I won't bore you with the uninteresting parts, but something peculiar happened. When I told him in details how I felt, he seemed pensive. He wasn't smiling like he usually does. I really can't hazard a guess as to what I could have said that could have had this effect on him.



I just told him how sad I was that you weren't there anymore... Even just putting this on paper seems strange. I'm not used to sharing my feelings like that. It's even more strange that I'm writing them here, so that means that I'm writing them for you to read...



Anyway. I told him that I didn't know how I would feel if I didn't see you again. That I already felt devastated... That I thought you deserved a proper burial, even if you wouldn't be there... Just like my mother.



He almost seemed shocked when I told him that. I say almost because I just can't be sure with him, he never shows his emotions. But I can assure you I saw something.





Day 13 :



I have not been in your room since the last time we saw each other. I promise. But after what happened, I needed to. It's part of you, your little world, with your clothes and magazines on the floor. Your still unmade bed ! And it still smells like you a little. I didn't want to intrude, I swear, I didn't feel like you would have wanted me to anymore. But today I had to. I try to cope with your disappearance, but it's just too much. I'm scared. Scared that I'll never see you again. I miss you.



I should explain why. Today, we had a sync test. We were four. The new Pilot's name is Kaworu Nagisa. He's the Fifth Child. He was sent here as dedicated Pilot for Unit 02. They replaced you ! And the only reason I can think of for them doing this is that you're not coming back.



He tried to talk to me after the test, I kind of lost control and lashed out at him. I even tried to punch him ! Toji was there, he caught me before I could do anything. I feel kind of bad because he seems nice enough. But he's replacing you... I'm thankful that Toji stopped me, even though I still feel bad when I see him.



You would have been proud I think. I lost control just because of what he is in relation to you. I'm less patient than I thought. It makes sense... You're the only one who tried my patience to this extent before that. And I know I would never have lost control against you.





Day 14 :



We talked about you with Misato. We spent the day together, she managed to take a day off just to take care of me. She told me about the time she was your guardian in Germany, it seemed nice. At least she seemed to have enjoyed it. She told me she even missed the times when you both fought ! Because it always passed. She said she was sad that as time went by you seemed to grow colder and more distant towards everyone... Except me, she added that she was really happy to see how we had a positive influence on each other. She wasn't teasing this time, which made me all the more uncomfortable !



When I asked her why you were distant, she refused to tell me. She said that if you wanted me to know, you would be the one to tell me when you'd come back. I really, genuinely wish I knew. I already told you, I hate to know how sad you are and not being able to do anything about it.



Misato's trying to stay positive and I can't thank her enough for that, but you know her, she's really not good with this kind of things. I know she's preoccupied. I want to believe her when she says you'll come back, but it's really hard.





Day 15 :



Toji came to see me after school. He knows about us. My reaction when he asked if this was true was... Eloquent, to say the least. He told me that Ayanami had shared her suspicions with him one day. So much for keeping it secret.



He doesn't really approve, but he doesn't know you like I do. That being said, he respects you a lot. He told me about your comeback to NERV, he was really impressed at how you talked to the Commander ! Don't repeat it but he told me that the Commander scares him. I can relate.



Before he left, he told me he was happy for us. Well, he said for me, but it's a start, right ?



At first I was... Apprehensive. I didn't want to talk to him. He has already moved on, but I didn't. I don't think he realizes what could have happened. That being said, I'm glad we talked. It took my mind of everything, even if it was only temporary.





Day 16 :



Everything reminds me of you. Take this room for example. If I'm in there, it's because of you, because you stole my bedroom when you moved in. Now that I think about it, I really don't understand what came to Misato's mind when she took you in as well. Did she plan for me to get kicked out of my room ? She must have. You would never have agreed to live in the smallest room of the apartment. She must have known that ! Maybe she wanted me to protest.



Do you want to know why I didn't ? There are two reasons. First, I knew it wouldn't have changed anything. I know, this is not a good reason, I know I should stand my ground. I didn't because of the second reason, which is that wanted you to stay. If I had insisted enough on not wanting to live in the closet, Misato would have made one of us leave, and I didn't want that. I wanted to get to know you. I didn't like my new room, obviously, but that was a small price to pay for what I could gain for it.



I thought about all this when I was making breakfast this morning. You usually used to be there, sitting at the table behind me, yelling at me for not cooking fast enough, complaining because you were angry at one thing or another. It's funny how our perception of things can change. Now I would give anything just to have you yell at me again.





Day 17 :



I wonder... What would you have done I had been the one absorbed ? If I had to guess, I think you would have been mad at me for disappearing like that. You would probably have just waited for me to return to yell at me and call me an idiot !



Maybe you would have been sad ? Even just a little ? In any case, I'm sure you would have taken this much better than I do. You've always been so strong.





Day 18 :



I watched the movie we saw together again. I want to believe that they kept their promise. That they both came back and were reunited. I understand it's just wishful thinking, and that I'm just projecting my own hopes, but I can't tell you how much I need to believe they were reunited in the end...





Day 19 :



Well ! That was an interesting day ! Toji took me to visit his sister at the hospital. She reminded me a lot of you ! She might be stuck in the hospital but she doesn't let it get to her ! She's so energetic and lively. You wouldn't recognize Toji when he's around her, he's so quiet around her. That's probably because Sakura is always scolding him !



Toji told me she's getting better every day, so she'll be released soon. He hasn't told her yet because he doesn't want to keep her hopes up. I can understand that, she already can't stand in one place ! That's to be expected, she's bored out of her mind in there. She's been in the hospital for five months and she told me her most exciting day has been when she got transferred to NERV hospital. He told me that he accepted to become a Pilot because of that. He asked me why I was still piloting, since he knows how much I hate it, so I told him that he and I fought for the same reason. That I fight for you, that I won't run away from a fight because you count on me to have your back, even if I know you don't need me to !



I wasn't sure I would be telling you this, but I also felt very queasy around her. She kept telling me I saved her life, that I was a hero. I've never considered myself a hero. I hate being called that. She's in the hospital because of me ! And she calls me a hero. I don't understand. I still think Toji did the right thing when he punched me... She did get hurt because of me. And I wasn't even able to protect you. If I had fought better, she wouldn't have been injured and you probably would still be there.





Day 20 :



I went to see you after the test today, as usual. I'd like to come more, but I don't want to attract too much attention. The techs didn't seem to care, they must be used to seeing me by now. Some of them looked at me solemnly, I don't know if it's because they pity me or if they sympathize with my sorrow. To be honest, I don't really care, as long as they leave me alone.



Misato doesn't like that. She understands why I do it so she lets me, yet she'd rather I did not go see you. She's right, it's dangerous, but that doesn't change anything. Seeing your Eva is the only form of contact I still have with you, and I really need it, I'm starting to have trouble remembering your face or your voice.



The good news is that all our Evas are repaired and ready for combat. When I asked, Dr Akagi promised me they would use yours only if they don't have any other choice. The Fifth Child is only a backup in case Ayanami, Toji and I fail, and it won't happen. I won't let it. My sync rate is not as high as it used to be but it's climbing up slowly, and Toji promised me he'd help. He seemed really honest, you must have left quite an impression on him !





Day 21 :



Kensuke came today. I feel like everyone takes turn just not to leave me alone. I'm a little angry about that, but on the other hand, it's nice so overall I'm glad they do.



He has no clue as to what's been going on between you and me,, I'm pretty sure of that, because he kept telling me that not having you to boss me around had to be amazing. According to him, I'm on vacation from you and your moods right now.



You know what I think about that, so you can guess how it made me feel to hear this. Don't get me wrong, I still really appreciate what he's doing for me, what they all are, but I can't believe he hasn't put two and two together yet. Then again you had to tell me about Toji and Hikari.



He invited me to go to the arcade tomorrow with the three of them, I wanted to say no, but I might have a good time so I accepted.





Day 22 :



Mission accomplished. I had a lot of fun. So much that I didn't think about you for a few hours. And it made me feel guilty. It's not that I feel that I'm not allowed to have fun now that you're... Not there, it's just that it doesn't feel right. You should still be with us, having fun with us, living your life !



Sometimes it feels like everyone just kept going, not realizing just how much they have lost too. They don't realize that they might be dead tomorrow because you won't be there to protect them !



Not thinking about you feels like I'm betraying you in a way, like I'm starting to do just as they do, forgetting you. It's not right. I should think about you all the time. You disappeared ! You might never come back ! They should erect a statue in your memory ! Declare a national holiday ! And I should not stop thinking about you like I did. I'm pathetic.





Day 23 :



Sometimes I wish that I didn't come to your room when I did. If I had ran away like I always used to, it would have been easier for me to cope with your disappearance. Losing you hurts more than any physical pain. I feel so empty. And guilty for even thinking this. I don't want you to believe that I regret what happened between us. I really don't, I promise, it's just that it's almost unbearable sometimes.



Sometimes it just feels like it's too much to handle, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. It's horrible to be this powerless. The only thing I can do is accept it and move on. I don't want to. And I won't.



Misato does everything she can to reassure me. She always tells me that Dr Akagi is making progress and that you'll be back with us soon. She doesn't know anything. Even Dr Akagi doesn't know anything. There's no way of knowing for sure that you'll come back ! If things had stayed as they were, I would have lost a friend. It would have been hard of course, but it would have been nothing compared to this.



I lost you. The one I care for the most. The one I was the most scared of losing. And I don't want to talk about it to anyone, because no one would understand. You're the only one who could understand. The only one I want to talk to about it.





Day 24 :



Do you want to come back in the first place ? I thought about it last night. I know the question is strange, but I mean, maybe you're happy. If you're conscious of what's happening maybe forcing you to come back would only be cruel.



I'm not sure I would. I've tried all my life to run away from the pain, and not being aware of what's happening sounds almost... Appealing.



If I had been given this choice a few weeks ago, I would have probably chosen to stay there, away from the pain, from the loneliness, from the sadness. But now everything is different. You changed everything ! You made me realize that I'm not just an Eva Pilot. That's what I thought before, that people considered me only because of that. You made me realize that people were nice to me, and not just because I'm a Pilot.



I wanted to talk to you before the battle, to face you, just to tell you that I was there for you. I am conscious of the fact that you would have had an easier time believing me if I had followed you last time. I need you to be patient with me too.



Now, with everything that's happened, if I had been absorbed and you had been the one left behind, I would have come back just so I could tell you what I want to tell you.





Day 25 :



Rei and I talked again. It seems they are making good progress towards your rescue. It made me really happy to hear that. Even though it might be stupid, I still hold onto the hope that you'll come back. That I'll be able to see you, even if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I don't care.



The weird part came after. She told me that she understood better how I felt now, she has thought about it a lot after our conversation. She told me that she hoped someone would mourn her as I am mourning your right now if she were to disappear too. And she added that she hated feeling that way because she was hoping to make someone sad because of her, and someone close to her. I told her I would mourn her too. I don't want to. I don't want anyone to die.



She said something that cheered me up though. She said that things were different now without you. Quieter. That made me laugh ! She told me that now, she finds the locker room unnerving because it's too silent. I guess she misses you too. Despite everything that's happened between you.





Day 26 :



Today has to have been the most surprising day since you left. Toji came to visit me. With Hikari. And according to them, I'm the one responsible for them being together now. I made him understand that running away was not a solution. It might seem strange but I am jealous of them. They are together, happy. I envy them so much ! How come they are allowed to be happy together when we can't ? This is so frustrating ! Either they don't realize what happened or they don't care ! It's not fair that they get to keep on with their lives when you can't ! I know this is selfish but I want you back ! I need you back !





Day 27 :



Okay. This week is getting stranger and stranger. As usual I came to see you after the sync test, I'm doing better by the way, I'm almost at my former sync rate, only three points down ! The new Pilot apologized to me when he saw me in the changing room. He told me he understood that I was upset because of him, and that it had never been his intention. He also said something about human hearts being as fragile as glass or something, I can't recall. I shouldn't be mad at him, he has done nothing wrong if we think about it.



It wasn't the strangest thing that happened though. As I said, I was standing in front of Unit 02 as usual, not paying attention to anything but the four eyes before me when someone stopped right next to me. It was Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. He told me that he appreciated my dedication. I was about to tell him that I wasn't doing it to get his approbation or anyone else's when he said something so cryptic that I still think about it as I'm writing these lines. He told me to always remain hopeful... No. He told me not to lose hope. Why would he do that ? Does it mean something ? Do you think I'm over-analyzing things ? He's the closest person to the Commander, maybe he knows things that even Misato doesn't. It's probably nothing, he probably just wanted to comfort me, but it's so strange that I can't help but think about it.





Day 28 :



I finally went back to school. And I managed to get through the day. As you can imagine, the lesson was as boring as it has always been. At least I know I haven't missed much. And Hikari has given me the printouts I didn't have when she came.



It could have been a rather normal day, if people had minded their own business. Everyone kept staring at me. I didn't notice that last time, then again, I didn't notice much that day. Some of them just came to me to ask personal questions and things I didn't want to answer.



Some girls even came and tried to comfort me. I don't understand why now they're talking to me. Why couldn't they do what they always did and ignored me ? They seemed weird, I don't really know how to explain, but them being nice seemed out of place. As I said they used to ignore me, why are they trying to talk to me now ?





Day 29 :



You remember when I told you I went to see the Commander ? Well, I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he's not the one I should be mad at for what happened.



It should be me.



He has his part of responsibility, of course, but so do I. And if I had been there for you, we could have talked to him together, maybe even with Misato. Maybe we could have convinced him that getting rid of you was a mistake.



Instead of that, I stayed away from you. I didn't try to find you because I was scared of facing you. I'm a pathetic, weak little boy.





Day 30 :



My teacher never taught me about religion, he wasn't very keen on these sorts of things. So I have never believed in any Gods or higher powers. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't even given it much thought. But now, I can understand why someone would.



It seems comforting to just be able to believe that everything happens for a reason, that it is all part of a plan... That your disappearance has a meaning.





Day 31 :



Tomorrow.



Tomorrow they will do whatever they have planned in order to save you. I would have preferred for it to be today. It would have been fitting to have you come back on your birthday.



Misato told me not to come, she told me that I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions to myself and that it would be too dangerous. She's still looking out for us, I'm glad. However, I can't help but notice that there are two meanings in what she said. Of course, I wouldn't be able to hold myself if I saw you tomorrow. I miss you so much. But on the other hand, I know she said that because she doesn't want me around in case the operation fails. Please. I'm begging you if you can somehow hear me or something. Please come back.



This will be the last entry in this journal. Hopefully I'll be able to give it to you tomorrow. Even if I can't, I don't care, as long as you are safe. And if you don't come back, I'll stop writing anyway. Because that will mean that you'll never be able to read it.



There is just one last thing that I wish to tell you however. Something I wish I had told you before, because I'm not sure I'll ever be able to now. I love you, Asuka. And I always will.



.



.



"You... Idiot ! Come here right now !" A shrill voice pierced the eardrums of every person in the Katsuragi residence, waking most of them in the process, as well as some neighbors, probably. Shinji opened the door to Asuka's room just seconds after hearing this and entered her bedroom sheepishly. He was the only one in the apartment except from her not sleeping. Pen Pen was comfortably dozing in his fridge and Misato had brought Kaji with her to her own room some hours earlier.



When he entered the room, he saw Asuka sitting on her bed, facing the door, the notebook still open in front of her. Her eyes were red, and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Shinji turned his face away, not daring to look her in the eyes. "Look at me !" Asuka spoke angrily between sobs. He turned his head and stared into her eyes. He had never seen her so vulnerable before. While studying her, he almost couldn't recognize her, it was as if all her defenses had been destroyed. "I'm crying because of you ! Again !.. I never cry ! I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore."



"I'm sorry" Shinji was transfixed by the sight before his eyes, so he couldn't think of anything better to answer her.



"Don't you "I'm sorry" me ! You stupid idiot !" She sounded very angry, her whole body was tense. She closed her eyes and sighed loudly. "You know I can't read kanjis, right ?" She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "But I understood the general idea..." She added before lunging at Shinji in order to wrap her arms around him. She buried her head in his neck, with tears still rolling down her cheeks and landing on his t-shirt. "... And I love you too, idiot !"

 

[E.D.C.]

Hey !

It's been a while ! This chapter hasn't been that easy to write. And Christmas tends to be really busy where I work. But enough excuses, here's a new chapter !



They just stood there, embracing one another, not daring to let go. Asuka was clinging tightly to him, still crying softly on his neck. She was shivering a little despite the night's warmth.





Shinji didn't know how to feel. What was happening was simultaneously warming and breaking his heart. Warming because she was there. She came back ! This was already enough for him, and she had told him that she loved him too ! And on top of that, she trusted him enough not to hide how she felt right now. But that was the problem. He had never seen her like this before, she looked so small, so frail. He wanted to comfort her, to protect her from whatever demons were making her cry like this. If only he knew what to do. "It-it's okay. I'm here. We both are. I-I love you." He managed to say, emboldened by her previous declaration. The only response he got were her arms tightening around him almost painfully. She sobbed a bit more powerfully too.





A lot of scenarios had gone through Shinji's head while he had waited for her to read the notebook he had given her a few hours ago. This was not one of them. And he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand to see her sad like that. He decided, as a consequence, to do anything he could to make her feel better. He squared his shoulders and held her more firmly, his right hand gently caressing her head and hair. How he had missed this !.. How he had missed her. After a month without her he was elated to be able to once again see her, smell her, feel her in his arms. It had been far too long.





Yes. He would definitely do anything to cheer her up. She would talk to him when she would be ready, he knew that, and when this would happen, he would help her, he would find a way. In the meantime, the only thing he could do was show her that he was there for her. That he wasn't going anywhere.





"Shinji ?" She called hoarsely once her crying subsided a little.





"What is it ?" He gently whispered in her ear.





"I want to go to bed." She answered, emotionless. He helped her get comfortable on the bed before leaving her room, without even looking at her and thus missing the desperate gaze she cast on him. He came back a few minutes later with a large glass of water.





Asuka's shoulders slumped as relief coursed through her body. She kept silent when she took the glass and brought it to her lips and avidly drank most of it before putting it down on her nightstand while Shinji lied down next to her. She had not realized how thirsty she was. "Thanks." She murmured as she got comfortable close to him, looking him in the eyes, their faces mere centimeters apart, on the same pillow. Despite her bed being large enough for the both of them to sleep rather comfortably, Asuka just refused to release her hold on the Third Child.





.





.





"Tell me precisely how it happened." Gendo Ikari ordered impassible, his hands folded before his mouth. He had read the report, of course, yet there still were elements to this particular event which eluded him.





"Everything we know is in the report I gave you. The whole operation was based on theories and hypotheses. There still are a lot of things we do not know or understand about the Evas." Ritsuko replied. It had been a long day which concluded a long month. She wasn't in the mood to repeat herself.





"What I want to know is how she managed to come back when I specifically told you that this wasn't supposed to happen. I do not appreciate insubordination." Gendo answered threateningly.





"I did exactly what you ordered." She didn't have to justify herself to him. Her actions in the past years should have been eloquent enough. She had been surprised herself when she saw Asuka's naked form on the gangway close to a crying Misato. She had deliberately slipped incorrect codes here and there, where she knew it would be unlikely for Maya to find out. In several places, to make sure her, no, his objective would be complete. She had followed his orders, as she always did, despite his indifference, despite his disdain for her. 'Can't you understand that she came back because she wanted to ?' She thought with contempt. Recently, her opinion of the Supreme Commander shifted, ever so slightly at first. She had done so much for him, sacrificed so much, only to be disrespected as a scientist and as a woman. "Every relevant information considering my tampering with the operation has been added to the report."





The Commander moved a little on his chair, his glasses reflecting the eerie light from his office. "You are dismissed. Today's test shall begin shortly." He didn't even spare a look to the open folder on his office.





"Yes."





.





.





"Asuka's sync ratio has dropped significantly." Maya exclaimed. She had forced herself for a while not to show emotions when she stated those kind of things, but this just wasn't her. She had always been someone who wore her emotions on her sleeve. Too much was at stake here to be detached about what happened. One of NERV's Pilots losing her ability to synchronize with her Eva was a big deal !





"That was to be expected." Ritsuko reassured her assistant. "It's been a month since she last synchronized with an Eva. Even her own body must feel strange to her right now." She opened a comm channel with Unit 02's Entry Plug. "Asuka ? You have to concentrate."





"I'm trying !" Asuka answered angrily. The truth was, she wasn't trying at all. Her mind couldn't have been further away from this sync test as it already was. She had woken up late, still in the arms of the boy she had confessed to the night before, warm and comfortable. The first thing she looked at were his eyes in the dimly lit bedroom. They were full of tenderness and relief. But there was something else. Concern. Worry. His deep blue eyes had always had the power to make her heart skip beats. When she looked at them this morning, she felt that with his help, she would be able to get better.





This feeling was peculiar to her. She had always prided herself of being independent, of not needing anyone. But being loved, after so long, and realizing her own love for him, had changed that fact... Not that she would admit it to him. Or anyone else.





He wasn't drowsy with sleep like her, on the contrary, he looked very much awake. He had waited for her to wake up not to disturb her, she assumed. Maybe it wasn't something important in his mind but it meant a lot to her.





It was Sunday. So they didn't need to go to school, which was a good thing, since she really wasn't in the mood for a boring lesson interspersed with death glares, dumb and tiresome hypocrites wanting to bask in her popularity and love letters from boys who just lusted after her body. This whole menagerie already made her sick at the best of time, now just thinking about them was almost unbearable for her. Not to mention the girls Shinji had talked about ! Those opportunistic harpies ! They would get what they deserved, just not now. Now was the time to enjoy spending time with her boyfriend.





Yes. She was looking forward to spending the day with Shinji. It was selfish, but she desperately wanted him to alleviate her sadness just by being with her. To feel safe in his arms. To eat whatever he would have prepared for her, she didn't care what, she knew it would have tasted divine. Maybe even watch a movie in his old room.





All these hopes came crashing down however when the phone rang.





As a consequence, she didn't care at all about this sync test. Furthermore, she didn't want to be in her Eva. What she had seen, or thought she had seen, throughout last month, had left a deeply disturbing impression on her. She wasn't ready to "face" her Eva just yet. She still wasn't sure if she had just hallucinated or if it had indeed been the truth. Whatever it was, she didn't want to verify it just yet.





That was another reason why she got scolded by Ritsuko. She had closed her heart and mind as soon as she had stepped inside her Entry Plug. She just wanted to be out of there, back home.





But even that wasn't in the cards for her. Ritsuko had wanted her to come to her office as soon as the test ended. She just managed to tell Shinji not to wait for her, but she still told him that she wanted a nice dinner ready when she came back. He had promised her a Black forest cake. That was enough to cheer her up, and help her get through this.





It was already getting dark when she finally got out of the Geofront. 'I'll be home soon. A few more minutes and I'll be with...'





"Hey Soryu !" Her reverie was interrupted by Toji, who was quickly closing the distance between them.





"Hey Monkey-boy !" She greeted back without enthusiasm. "What are you still doing here ?"





"I was with my sister. I go see her every time I'm here." He answered happily, not even noticing Asuka's tone.





"You're a devoted brother, Shinji told me about you and your sister. I... Appreciate your... Abnegation." She said truthfully, albeit a bit reluctantly.





"Did I hear that right ?" Toji replied, flabbergasted. "Did you just compliment me ? Are you alright ?"





"Listen." She paused a little to organize her thoughts. "Shinji's told me how hard last month has been on him. You've been there for him... You've helped him when I..." She hesitated for a moment, unsettling the boy in front of her. "Wasn't there. I'm glad you did. You are a good friend to the idiot. Thank you..." She finally managed to say with some effort. "But don't get me wrong ! That doesn't mean I like you !"





He chuckled. "I sure hope not ! But don't mention it, Demon. It was the least I could do for Shin-Man ! He really was devastated. You know, he really cares about you. And from what I have seen, you might not be so bad for him after all." He trailed off. She was about to leave when he spoke again. "I wanted to thank you too... You know, for saving my life." It was his turn to feel uncomfortable. "I owe you one, and a Suzuhara never forgets his debts !" He paused for a second. "I can see you want to leave, I ain't going to bother you any longer. Take care of Shinji... And yourself. See you tomorrow !"





.





.





'Kaji you fool... You were always such a fool !' Misato had been locked up in this dark cell for hours now. She was hungry. She had wanted to finish catching up with her work before grabbing a latish lunch. She was almost done when those Section 2 goons came. The audacity they shown still pissed her off. They were the ones who had messed up letting the Vice Commander get abducted and she was locked up ? She had managed to keep her composure in front of them and inside her cell, mostly, but she was fuming. Last night had not helped, this sync test had really not been necessary, and seeing the distraught look on Asuka's face the whole time she spent in her Entry Plug had left her worried, as a consequence, she had spent a rather short night.





Kaji couldn't have picked a worst day to play with her nerves. 'Why did you do this ? Don't you think I've got work to do ? And what's the point ? Do you think he'll just tell you everything he knows ? You're an idiot ! If you keep going like this, you'll only manage to get killed !' She let this last thought sink in for a bit. 'Don't get me wrong, I understand... You've always been obsessed by the truth. And I can't blame you for this, I'd really like to know the truth as well !'





"I need a beer." She let out in the empty room. There was so much in her mind at the moment with all these secrets that she dared to hope that the guard outside would hear her and toss her one. Of course, nobody answered her plea.





'We're not so different, you want the truth, I want the Angels dead. But tell me, Kaji, what good is the truth if you're dead ? It hit me recently. I've been living only for revenge since even before I joined NERV. But I'm tired now. I want to live a normal life for Heaven's sake ! And I want... No ! I need you to be a part of it. I learned that thanks to the kids. If they can be happy together why couldn't we ? I know this is selfish, but you know what else is !? Disappearing right after we got back together !' She stood up and kicked the bed she was sitting on "Ow !" Her scream was mixed with the muffled thump made by the impact of her foot with the plank which constituted her bed base. She sat on the ground, her knees to her chest, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. This was getting her nowhere, she couldn't change what was happening, the only thing she could do was get used to the idea. He had already made his decision. 'I swear, if you get yourself killed I'll never forgive you as long as I live !'





She stood up slowly, as if all her strength had left her body and dragged herself back on the bed to lie down on her left side. 'You know, I'm still afraid of the dark. Except when you're with me. Please Kaji, don't die. I'm tired of being miserable, sad and hopeless. ' She wriggled a little, trying to find a more comfortable position.





.





.





It had been far too long since the three roommates had spent a nice and enjoyable evening together. Two Angels had been defeated since the last time, and the last one had attacked over a month ago. Things didn't start well, however, as Shinji seemed to be the only one in a good mood. Things got better as time went on. Shinji's meal helped, but the driving force was that the three of them really needed a break from everything that was happening.





Misato was cheerily intoxicated, celebrating in her own way her reunion with both her young charges. She wasn't completely drunk, just enough to get a small buzz that made her feel jolly. It was also to help her cope with what she knew had happened during the day. She was concerned, but she really wanted to enjoy this moment.





Shinji was smiling. He just couldn't help himself. Things were getting back to normal now that Asuka had come back. It was a small, shy smile, but it was there. It was so rare to see him like this that it was bound to have a positive effect on his roommates. However, his eyes betrayed how worried the boy was.





Asuka was really, genuinely happy to be there, to share this delicious dinner with them. However, she also looked gloomy. Shinji didn't like that, it was so unlike her to sulk like this... It was more like him, he thought humorlessly. She was doing her best to act like she normally would, but he could see how forced it was. When they were together in their room, she didn't hide it from him. That being said, she didn't talk either. She kept what was eating her up to herself. Shinji didn't want to push her, he knew better, so he said nothing, but he desperately wanted her to tell him, if only to share her burden.





Things almost got out of hand when Asuka grabbed the last part of the Black forest cake left in the fridge from yesterday's meal. Misato had tasted it the night before. Shinji had thoughtfully left her a plate of yesterday's meal in the fridge, along with a piece of the cake. She had loved it so much that she couldn't resist and tried to snatch it from Asuka the second she had turned her back. It didn't go well. They started arguing and yelling. Shinji had to intervene, as the two women were about to jump at each other's throat. Misato couldn't win against them both, so she let Asuka eat that last piece, but not before making Shinji promise that he would make another one soon.





.





.





Asuka and Shinji went to bed soon after, while Misato stayed a little longer, doing the dishes. It was her penance for trying to shamelessly steal Asuka's dessert.





Nothing was different between them, yet everything had changed. It had just taken three words. Three little words that they had not said nor heard in far, far too long. They were still in Asuka's bed, as was usual, still snuggling together, arms wrapped around each other.





"Asuka ?" He whispered delicately. "Do you like Beethoven ?"





She opened her eyes as an evil smirk appeared on her face. "Why would I like Beethoven ? You say that because I come from Germany ?" She answered, trying her best to sound offended. "You know that's racist, right ?"





Shinji squirmed uncomfortably. "I-I... It's just... I mean..." He was completely shocked by what she had just said, that she could even think this of him. He tried, but he was speechless.





That's when she started laughing. "I was kidding Shinji ! Why are you asking me this ?"





Still shocked, but reassured nonetheless he took a few seconds to calm down. "T-There is a tradition here in Japan. In December, there are concerts of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. I wanted to go to a concert with you for..." He trailed off for a second. "For your birthday."





Asuka loved the idea. She had always loved this symphony and despite, or maybe because of the memories hearing it would bring, she wanted to go. However, she was still feeling playful from her previous joke. "Are you sure that will be enough ?" She said sounding a tad disappointed while looking him right in the eyes in the darkness. "I mean, it's an okay gift, but you seem to forget that now that I came back from Unit 02, one might consider that I have two birthdays."





"I... Erm I... Th-that's the only idea I had." He said desperately, trying with all his might not to stutter or sound disappointed himself, and failing spectacularly at both.





"Relax idiot !" She said smiling kindly to him before kissing him gently on the lips. "That's a wonderful gift. I'd really like to go to this concert." She then laid back down, her head on his chest. He let out the breath he was holding in a sigh of relief. They stayed like this for a moment before Asuka broke the silence. "Stop worrying about me, idiot. I'm fine." Her tone wasn't aggressive though. 'If you stop, I swear I'll kill you with my bare hands.'





"How did you know ?" He asked completely taken by surprise. He had done his best not to let it show.





"I can barely breathe. If you held me any tighter you'd probably break some of my ribs. That kinda gave it away." She couldn't hide her disappointment when he loosened his embrace though. He couldn't see it, thankfully. 'I'm not ready Shinji. I can't tell you why I am who I am and what I saw... Not yet.'





"Sorry." He was feeling disappointed too. He hadn't done it on purpose, but that could have been a good opportunity for her to tell him what was bothering her. 'How can I understand you if you won't say anything ?' He thought sadly. But he didn't have to understand her to help her. He gently caressed her back 'If you don't want to tell me about anything you don't have to. I'll always be there for you.' That's what he had told her when they kissed for the first time.





"Idiot." She said tenderly. Maybe it was enough to make him understand. Silence once again enveloped them before she changed the subject. "Why did you go see Wondergirl in the hospital ?"





He fidgeted a little, making her move in unison to keep her comfortable place on his chest. Even having been separated for this long did not change this habit. Because of the contact, of course, and also because they could speak more freely like that than when they were face to face. "Since the nurse didn't know where you were and..." He trailed off before resuming. "And since I was scared to face Toji after what happened, I wanted to make sure that at least she was okay." He snorted humorlessly. "In the end we barely talked about her because I was too preoccupied about you..."





She smiled at that last statement. 'Take that, Wondergirl !'





"I feel bad though..." He continued, unaware of what Asuka was thinking. "She's been isolated her whole life, just like me. It's unfair to ostracize her like that."





The thought had never crossed her mind. She had always disliked the First Child after she had rejected her. She hadn't tried to understand why she was like this. It didn't even cross her mind that she could be just like she used to be, isolated, alone. "Yeah... I guess you're right." She couldn't disagree with him. It indeed was unfair, nobody deserves to live a life of loneliness. Her smile vanished when she said that. She was about to continue when the sound of something heavy scraping on the floor made them both jump. They were about to shrug it off when they heard desperate wailing through the paper thin door.





They got on their feet and rushed outside of the bedroom. The sight that greeted them broke their heart. Misato was kneeling in the kitchen, her elbows resting on the table, she was cradling her head in her arms. She was crying and shouting in front of the telephone, oblivious to the rest of the world. Her body shook with each powerful sob. She didn't even move when a hand gently squeezed her shoulder. Shinji and Asuka came on each side of her in an attempt to support her.





"Misato ?What's going on ?" Asked Asuka worriedly. She didn't answer, she didn't even seem to realize that they were here with her. Her body kept rocking violently as she continued crying. Hesitantly, scared as if the answering machine would burn his finger, Shinji pushed the button to replay the message. Asuka raised her head in shock as she heard the voice belonging to the person who had left the message and as understanding dawned in her mind.





"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure you're listening to this message, especially after I caused you so much trouble. Sorry. Please tell Ritsuko I'm sorry too. Oh, and there's one more thing. I've been growing watermelons. I'd appreciate if you could water them for me. Asuka knows where they are. Katsuragi, take care of the kids, I'll have to lay low for a while. If I see you again, I'll say the words that I couldn't say eight years ago. Bye."





This message was recorded at 12:02 PM.





"He's gone." It was almost imperceptible, but the Children heard it, and it shook them to the core. Misato had stopped shouting as soon as she heard Kaji's voice mail, just to hear his voice again. Asuka squatted next to her, she couldn't say anything, so she looked in her sorrowful eyes, her own glimmering with unshed tears. Shinji's hand squeezed the grieving woman's shoulder a bit tighter. "He abandoned me. All for the sake of his stupid quest for truth..." She trailed off, looking away from Asuka, in the distance.





"... We... We're going to a concert in a few days. W-would you like to join us ?" It was lame and he knew it, he just couldn't find anything else to say. Maybe it would take her mind off this. Asuka glared at him when she heard his question, she didn't want anyone to come with them. Her wordless reprimand died as a tired sigh escaped her guardian's mouth.





"... I'd like that." Was all she said, without inflexion, still staring at nothing, her Children's presence soothed her mind, it reminded her that despite Kaji's absence, she wasn't alone. She was still crying, albeit silently now. She couldn't stop crying even if she had wanted to. This pain, even if it were alleviated by her wards, was too much.





Shinji felt powerless. He hated that feeling. He could get inside a giant robot and fight against ungodly monsters, yet he was incapable of helping the woman who had helped him on so many occasions. He wanted to help her so much. That's at this moment that he realized that despite everything, he was still just a child. That didn't mean that he would let Misato face this tragedy alone, though. Silently, he moved away from them to prepare some coffee for everyone, this night was going to be long.





Asuka, still crouched next to Misato, took her hand, a bit too roughly and motioned with her head for her guardian to stand up. Her jaw was clenched, she had a deep frown on her face. They got up and walked to the living room. Misato sat on the couch while Asuka plopped herself down angrily on a pillow on the ground cross-legged, still frowning in a -very- angry scowl, a dark and cold stare adorning her features. Neither of them talked, they just sat there, alone together, thinking about the message, its owner, and what it meant.





A few minutes later, Shinji joined them, a tray in his hands with three mugs on it. He had prepared Misato a simple strong coffee with two sugars, her favorite. He gave Asuka a latte, her favorite hot beverage as well. He had thought about fixing himself some tea, but thought coffee would be better, the bitterness of the liquid would go well with the mood, he gloomily thought. He had served each of them in their favorite mugs, hoping that this simple attention would at least help a little. When he gave her her latte, he brushed discreetly her hand to try and relax Asuka, who was looking angrier by the minute.





They spent most of the time in silence, just drinking their coffees, sometimes talking a little. Asuka never spoke a word, however. After having finished her coffee, Misato seemed almost calm, resigned. "I'm going to take a shower." She said, deadpan, in fact, she sounded empty. Nobody acquiesced. She left without uttering another word.





"Asuka ? Talk to me." Shinji had waited for Misato to leave before asking his girlfriend to share what she was feeling.





"Drop it." She sounded furious. The kind of calm fury that always sent shivers down Shinji's spine. He flinched, but didn't back away. He heard the water stream from the bathroom.





"No. I can see you're angry, tell me what's going..."





"Leave me alone !" She shouted. Her anger finally winning over her restraint. This message had been the last straw. She had already enough to deal with ever since coming back from Unit 02. "Kaji abandoned me too ! Just like everyone else before him ! Just like Mama !" Tears were coming dangerously close to falling down from her deep blue eyes full of anger. "You're gonna abandon me too so you might as well do it right now !"





"No." He said trying to sound as confident as possible. He was scared, and unsettled by what she had just said, but now was not the time for that. He stood up and came close to her. He knelt down to try and hug her, only to receive a violent right hook in the face for his trouble. He fell on his side and held his bruised cheek with his left hand for a few seconds, trying vainly to stop his head from spinning. Yet he didn't back off, he wouldn't run away like last time she hit him, so he came back to her and took her in her arms as quickly as possible, effectively preventing her from punching him again. She struggled for a while with little strength. A part of her wanted nothing to do with him at the moment, but the other part just screamed at her to let him hold her. She finally settled down and slumped in his arms, her head dropped on his shoulder. She weakly raised her arms to return the embrace, clutching his shirt desperately. "Asuka, I couldn't abandon you even if I wanted to. I'm far too scared of you to do that."





She laughed, finally letting go of some of her tension in the comfort of his arms. "Not scared enough, obviously... You're okay ?" She asked when what she had done hit her, concern evident in her voice. She felt reassured by the fact that he was still holding her close to him, he wouldn't had he been mad at her. That wasn't a reason to make it a habit, however. It was the second time she had hit him, the second time she had lost control. She didn't want to wake up alone one day because of her temper, and she knew this would eventually happen if she wasn't able to control herself.





"Oh this ?" He said in a light tone. "It's nothing. You should see the other guy !" They both laughed against each other. The joke wasn't very good, but in their state of mind, it was as if it had been the best joke they had ever heard. They stayed like this a moment before Shinji stood up and went to the kitchen to prepare three more coffees. Asuka never stopped looking at him.





When Misato came out of the bathroom, a hot coffee was waiting for her on the coffee table. She didn't even notice Shinji's red and slightly swollen left cheek as she slouched unceremoniously on the couch. "Well... Happy birthday to me."

 

[E.D.C.]

It's me again ! With a new chapter ! Enjoy !

The last updates are going pretty slow, I'm enjoying the time I have between the Angels, things will be getting more fast-paced from this point !


The room he was in was pitch black and large enough to remain cool despite the post Second Impact perpetual summer's heat. The air was stale, however, courtesy of the lack of air conditioning, or windows for that matter, in the room.





His chair was uncomfortable, especially since he had been sitting on it for hours. His handcuffs would undeniably leave marks if they had not already bruised his flesh. He wasn't sure, he couldn't check with his own eyes. His hands were numb due to his restraints obstructing his bloodstream. So he just sat there, waiting to be released or executed by his captors. He didn't really mind either way anymore. All these machinations, all these schemes were making him weary. Especially in the last months. Especially when the last remaining shards of humanity, that he had thought were long gone, manifested themselves, makings things he had repressed for years awaken and stir inside him.





Regret ? Guilt ? The manifestation of his conscience ? Whatever it was, it was now impossible to ignore for the benefit of the Scenario. Torturing children had always been part of it, he knew. He had accepted that. In theory, it had been acceptable, the reality was quite different. Seeing Yui's offspring's dedication to the Second Child had reminded him of how he used to be... Before he decided to follow the man who wanted to prevent humanity from being able to make its own decisions. If, even after being manipulated into being incapable of forming any deep connexion with any other human being, Shinji Ikari had managed to find some semblance of happiness, maybe a world where people live, no matter how stained with sin it was, was not such a bad thing.





There would be no salvation for him, he had no illusions about that. He could have ran away to hide somewhere, or he could have died with his honor intact. He had chosen a third option, he had chosen to survive, which could be considered brave or cowardly, depending on the point of view, and so he had to face the consequences, yet said consequences were about to get even more extreme, as his superior was already coming up with ways to set the Scenario back on its tracks. He knew what that meant. The collateral damages that were the Children were going to be the prime victims of the Scenario's alterations. This thought alone made him flinch. There was no saving his soul anymore, but maybe, just maybe, he could do something to try to atone for his past cowardice, something to maybe set things right.





If Yui was aware of what was happening to her child, and what was about to happen to him, she would probably destroy each and every person involved in the Human Instrumentality Project, her ex-husband and himself included, he thought.





His musings were interrupted by a light which forced him to shut his eyes for a second before he turned his head, not showing any emotion. "Oh, it's you."





"Long time no see." The silhouette answered before approaching him. "I've put the guards outside to sleep for a while."





"This will cost you your life." He said as Kaji knelt behind him to remove his handcuffs.





"All I want is for the kids to be safe." Kaji answered in his usual nonchalant tone as the cuffs fell noisily on the ground. Fuyutsuki was glad to feel blood pumping freely through his hands after so long.





"This is a noble and selfless cause. Your enemies are powerful, however." He replied deadpan. It wasn't a threat, just an assessment of the situation his interlocutor was in. He massaged his wrists as he stood up.





The response was peculiar, coming from the Sub Commander, and Kaji realized it. "I sure could use informations." It was risky, but it had been his plan when he decided to come and free Fuyutsuki from SEELE's grasp. So he asked him, there was no use beating about the bush with this man.





"Maybe you and I should have a talk." He declared as they both walked out of the room. "Not here, though."





"Just tell me this. Why ?" Kaji couldn't hold back his curiosity. His plan was working, or seemed to at least, but he wanted to understand. He looked around a corner to make sure their path was clear. It would have been a shame to get caught now that things seemed to be looking up.





"Let's just say the end might not justify the means anymore." Fuyutsuki stated as calmly as always. He didn't want Kaji to know what he really felt. Anticipation. Apprehension. He was also feeling a little like a rat deserting the ship, now that the Scenario was compromised. It didn't matter, however, he should have never been on this ship to begin with. He was a professor. A man supposed to teach youngsters, to help them. Not torture them psychologically. This endeavor was going to be taxing for the old man, nevertheless, he couldn't stay idle anymore. He was one of the few people who might be able to make a difference. This would have to be enough for now. He had been granted a second chance. He wasn't sure he deserved it, however, he was determined to make it count.





They left the building in silence, their footsteps resonating in the empty hallways, accompanied only by the cicadas.





.





.





They eventually went to bed. Both of them had been trying for the past hours to simply stay awake, their eyes closing for a little longer every time they closed them, the effort required to open them again more important each time. Neither of them wanted to leave Misato alone for the remainder of the night. She was forced in the end to order them to go to bed, reminding them that they had to go to school on the next day. The three of them had just been sitting there in silence for the last hours anyway, so there was little to no point in them staying in the living room, Misato thought, even though she was glad for the silent comfort her charges gave her. She did not thank them, there was no point. And she was too absorbed in her own thoughts to think about politeness.





Ever since Misato got out of the shower, Shinji had been racking his brain to try, without success, to find a gift for his guardian until he couldn't resist anymore and fell asleep with Asuka in his arms, who had already been sleeping for a while. He smiled a little when he managed to see her peaceful expression as she moved from her usual spot close to his heart. She looked peaceful, which soothed him a little. She hadn't really been herself since coming back. She was her usual self most of the time, but sometimes it seemed forced, even more than usual. And there were those moments when she wasn't even trying. These moments scared him the most. She would either openly slump as if she were overwhelmed by whatever was eating at her or she would simply be completely out of it. Either way, Shinji hated seeing her like this, so he was glad to see her get some respite from her demons when she was sleeping.





As usual, they had not paid attention to their old teacher droning about Second Impact, however, this time it was for very different reasons. Asuka was sulking about everything that was happening to her since coming back from Unit 02, while Shinji was still trying to come up with an idea, barely paying attention to all of his surroundings. He had to find it, to find something that would cheer her up, it was the least he could do. There were just too many things going wrong at the moment for him not to do anything. And he could do nothing to help Asuka. He had tried, and was still trying, but he couldn't reach her. He didn't know if she didn't want him to or if she just wasn't ready.





For her part, she had been forced by Shinji to add frustration to the -too- long list of things that were bothering her. She hated that he was not giving her his complete attention as he had been doing for the past months. Nonetheless, she understood. She had started to like Misato more and more as time went by, and she had to admit that she liked living with her, despite how much of a slob she was. She didn't like to see her completely desperate as she had been the previous night. She was used to seeing Misato being cheerful and annoying ! So she let Shinji try to comfort her, since she knew she wouldn't be able to do it, it was just not her thing.





The answer to Shinji's conundrum was so simple that he couldn't believe how long it took him to find it. The last hours of class were like torture to him. He couldn't stop fidgeting on his seat, waiting for the bell to ring to be able to reveal his grand plan to Asuka. Seeing him like this made her feel a little better, his unfamiliar enthusiasm had contaminated her as soon as he had told her what their present to their guardian was. And despite the fact that he had been the one who found the idea, he kept telling her it was their gift. She had to admit, it was really good. All they had to do was buy a frame and wait to see the look on Misato's face.





She couldn't hold back the tears when she unwrapped the now framed picture. It was a simple black frame with a photo which had been taken at the hot springs, one of the few ones that had immortalized the three of them, and Pen Pen, of course ! Shinji didn't even remember its existence until, thinking about all the time he had spent with Misato, he remembered looking at a camera's lens back at the Onsen.





Misato was at the center of the photo, holding the penguin tightly in her arms. She was surrounded by her charges. On her right was Shinji, a shy, embarrassed smile on his face. He looked like he was trying to make himself a small as possible, without leaving the frame, because he knew Misato wouldn't have let him get away with it. That didn't mean he didn't try, since he was a bit further away from Misato than Asuka, who was on her left, winking while making the peace sign with her right hand. She had been in a good mood after having killed the Eighth Angel... Still being alive didn't hurt either.





The picture represented a simpler time, far from the schemes and the brutality of Humans and Angels alike. Their efficiency at the time made them think they were invincible, that this war could be won. They all carried their own burdens, of course, but they didn't feel as overwhelming as right now. They felt like they could be, if not dealt with immediately, at least put aside until the time was right.





But this picture meant so much more. It meant that no matter what life would throw at them, from falling into an active volcano to the disappearance of a loved one, they could always rely on each other. This picture was to become a reminder of that simple yet paramount fact. It needed no explanation. They all understood the underlying message.





Misato, not able to control herself anymore (not that she tried very much), crushed both Asuka and Shinji in her arms, and for once, they both felt genuinely happy to be victims of one of Misato's bear hugs. Soon, the three of them were enjoying a nice group hug which only helped consolidate the bond between them. Eventually, Misato released her wards only to go hang the picture in the living room, so they would be able to see it every time they would need it. Now all they had to do was prepare for the concert.





As she got ready, which meant changing out of her school uniform and putting clothes that were more suited for the occasion, Asuka couldn't help but feel jealous. She wanted the same comfort Shinji was giving Misato with that picture. That damn picture that was almost mocking her. They all were there for each other. She knew that. She knew that Shinji was there for her, he would help her in a heartbeat with what she saw in Unit 02... With what happened to her when she was younger. He would understand. He was the only one who could understand. All she had to do was tell him... And that was the problem. This frustrated her to no end, she wanted to. She just couldn't. She still wasn't ready. It was stupid, she was getting more withdrawn every day, so it was getting harder and harder to tell him. And she knew that one day, he wouldn't even be there anymore to listen to her if she continued like this.





It was gnawing at her. She wanted to explode, to break everything and scream at everyone unlucky enough to cross her path, to drive them away so she could enjoy her downward spiral alone, in peace. The only reason that made her control her anger was Shinji, who, despite also being one of the reasons for her current state of mind, was also the only reason for her not falling apart. 'I'm glad you're there, idiot, but we both know I don't deserve it.' She hated him right now. Because he wasn't running away. Because he was there for her. He was forcing her not to be her egotistical and selfish self. And she loved him as much as she hated him because of that.





However, she realized quickly that there were only two ways this could go. He would either help her through all this until she got better, or she would drag him down with her. She didn't want that, she wanted him to be happy, or at least she didn't want to be responsible for his woes, and she hated thinking like that. It would have been so much easier if she didn't care about him. She forced her eyes shut and took a deep breath.





"One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed." She chuckled cynically, thinking back to this quote from the Little Prince. She had never expected to be in the fox's shoes one day when she read that book when she was younger.





Being like this was getting on her nerves. She wasn't even sure of what she had seen inside Unit 02, how come it affected her so much ? And how could she verify it ? She couldn't ask her Eva, it was just a weapon, how could it answer her ? Did she really want to know ? It would probably take time, but she knew she could do like she always did if she wanted to, bury it as deep as she could and never think about it again. Then she'd be able to get back to her normal self. She wouldn't admit it to herself, but she was scared. Scared that what she had seen inside Unit 02 was the truth. Because if it were, it would mean that her mother had abandoned her intentionally.





.





.





Misato cursed herself for the what must have been the thousandth time since they arrived at the concert hall. She uncrossed her legs and crossed them again. It was a rookie mistake, really, and she should have known better. Really. She should have known not to accept to go to a concert without knowing what said concert was. She had expected some pop music like what Shinji was always listening to on his SDAT. She would have enjoyed that, she liked the singer's voice in the last tracks. She even had dared to to hope for some hard rock or something. Anything that could clear her head.





It's not that she disliked classical music or anything, it's just that she found it so boring !





She was trying, really trying, with all her might, not to show how bored she was, but she knew she was not doing a very good job at the moment. She just couldn't stop fidgeting on her seat. She had to make an effort. A few sighs had already escaped her lips. She rolled her eyes, slouching a little more on her seat and tried her best to stifle a yawn. And she knew the most boring part had not even started yet. This was going to be long. She really didn't want to ruin the concert for her charges. She could see how much they were enjoying themselves. 'Ugh ! How long is the concerto again ?'





Shinji was absolutely fascinated. He had already listened to Beethoven's 9th Symphony a few times but seeing it performed live was a completely different experience ! He had never been to a classical music concert in his young life. To be fair, he had never been to a concert at all. His teacher never saw the point in taking him to one.





Seeing the conductor gesture to one section of the orchestra to an other, moving seemingly at random, yet maintaining the harmony of all the musicians in front of his was astounding to him. All the members of the orchestra played and stopped at exactly the right time, giving life to the music sheets before them, each of them adding their contributions at the perfect moment. He couldn't isolate all of the myriad details of this composition, of course, however, it didn't prevent him from thoroughly enjoying the experience.





At one point during the third movement, he managed to pry his eyes off the violinists' hypnotizing bows and the cellists which captivated him with their dexterity to stare at his girlfriend's face. She had her eyes closed and a serene expression on her face, as if she were completely absorbed by the music. At this precise moment, after studying her face for a few seconds, Shinji Ikari had a very strange epiphany, one that should have sent shivers down his spine. However, it felt so natural at the moment that it didn't perturb him whatsoever.





He wanted to thank his father. Because of his father, he became an Eva Pilot. Because of his father, his life was more hectic than it ever had been before. But he wouldn't change that for the world ! He had friends, he had Misato, his mother/big sister figure, and most importantly, he had her. All the pain, all the sorrow was well worth it as long as he had her in his life. He squeezed her hand gently, making her smile softly before he turned his gaze back to the cellists.





She had very fond yet conflicting memories of this symphony. The first time she had listened to it was when her mother made her listen to an old CD from 1989. She only had vague recollections of it, obviously. Listening to it afterwards always made her feel wistful because of that. This time was no exception, nevertheless, it was also different.





She had always thought that the third movement was boring, the second movement had always been her favorite. However, this time, the third filled her with a sense of calm, of serenity... Of determination. She had never truly understood it before, but now it made her feel at peace. Just like when she was in Shinji's arms at night, when he would chase her nightmares away. He had his fingers intertwined with hers, which emphasized those feelings. He never released his hold on her hand. Their palms were a little sweaty but she couldn't care less. This time, for the first time, thanks to him, the Ode to Joy spoke to her. For the first time, these lyrics managed to make their way into her heart.. It was what she had needed. She had beaten around the bush for far too long already. She had to see for herself what was inside Unit 02. After that, when she would know, she would be able to start talking to Shinji, she would be able to get better.





.





.





Pen Pen had been looking at what was happening in front of him for quite some time, trying to make sense of it. His three roommates, even though he considered them more as his guests, were sitting at the table, eating. Well, not exclusively. Misato was drinking a beer on her seat, her back to the kitchen, which was not extraordinary in its own right, what stood out to the penguin was that she was drinking it really, really slowly, taking little sip after little sip, not downing it in seconds as she usually did. The most surprising thing was that she just kept the can to her lips, yet she was not drinking ! And it was her first beer of the evening ! Shinji was eating quietly, he looked almost normal compared to his roommates. Almost, because occasionally, he would glance to his right to look at Asuka with what could only be interpreted as worry. A few times, he looked like he was about to say or do something, then decided against it and continued eating. Asuka was eating, her chopsticks clanking noisily each time she brought them to her plate. Other than that, she was silent. Completely silent, as if lost in her own thoughts. She was usually so noisy, it was really strange.





He didn't understand those humans sometimes. A month ago everything seemed to be perfectly fine, then Asuka disappeared for a month, and now that she was back none of them seemed happy anymore. He shrugged before waddling back to his fridge. Maybe nobody, even her, wanted her back. That was the only logical explanation.





Since her talk with Shinji last month, Misato had decided to make an effort to spend more time with her charges. It had taken her some time to figure it out, but she needed to be a better guardian for them. 'I guess there's a lot going on right now... I just wish we could have a nice dinner like we used to.'





"I'm finished." Asuka stated while getting up. She took her plate and brought it to the sink. She then left in silence as the telephone started to ring. She didn't even pay it any attention as she walked to her room.





Seeing that no one was going to pick it up, Shinji stood and went for it. Asuka stopped, then resumed her previous action once again.





"Yes, hello ?" Asuka had almost reached her room, her shelter when she was interrupted for a second time. "Asuka ? An international call from Germany for you. It's your mother." Shinji called out to her before she managed to leave. He offered her the phone with a shy smile.





"For me ? From Mama ?" She said shyly, yet with little inflexion, as she grabbed the phone. Shinji kept looking at her while she started speaking German in front of him. He saw her blush a little while answering her interlocutor.





Deciding not to intrude into her privacy, even though he couldn't understand a single word that she was saying at the moment, he decided to go wash the dishes. He couldn't help but listen to her, however. It fascinated him to hear her speak another language. The feeling was peculiar, she was still the same person, her voice was still the same, but he had never heard her speak German for a long time like this. He had almost forgotten that she wasn't Japanese. She sounded so exotic ! When he was done with the dishes, he went to the living room and lounged on the couch, still idly listening to his girlfriend voice.





"Mother..." He thought wistfully. She had never told him anything about her mother. The only time he had mentioned her mother, Asuka had stampeded to her room, her eyes full of tears. 'Why does her mother not call her more often ? And why does Asuka never call her ?' He didn't realize it, but he had started to flex and relax his hand. He was getting angry. He couldn't understand why Asuka would just not call her mother if she had the opportunity. Her mother was alive ! His train of thought was cut short when he heard that Asuka had ended the call. He stood up and turned to her. "You sure talked for a long time." He said, trying to remain as calm as possible. He knew he was glaring at her, he just couldn't help it, his hand was still flexing and relaxing.





"Well, it's our usual bit of communication." Asuka answered with a hint of disappointment in her tone.





"It must be nice to have a family to talk to." Shinji replied as sarcastically as he could. He felt bitter. It wasn't completely Asuka's fault. Maybe she had not told him about her family not to hurt his feelings. It was unintentional, but he felt almost betrayed by her.





She didn't seem to pick up on the caustic comment. "Well, just in appearance. It's only on the surface. She's not my real mother anyway." Shinji's anger disappeared instantly as she said that. "My father moved on with his life rather quickly..." Shinji had walked around the couch and was now facing her. He grabbed her hand with his own. "But it's not like I hate her or anything. I just don't deal with her well. We still talk from time to time because she's my step-mother... Otherwise she would probably have given up like everyone else..." She then added with a smile "You know more than most how I can be !"





They chuckled a little together, still holding hands. "People never gave you the chance you deserve."





She smiled. That same smile that made his knees weak. A smile that he had not seen for more than a month. "Thank you, idiot." She let go of his hand and finally managed to get to her room.





Shinji stood there, watching the door behind which she disappeared. "You're very nice to her." Misato stated, breaking him out of his musing.





"She doesn't show it, but there's something wrong. We have to be there for her." He said with authority, turning to face her.





"You two are really good to each other. You're more confident in yourself. You have not stuttered once while talking to her ! I'm happy for you." She added with melancholy. "I'm very proud of you two." Having said that, she went to the bathroom.





Shinji could hear the bathtub filling up, and since Asuka probably needed to be alone, he decided to go to his old room to occupy himself with some homework.





.





.





The water was draining slowly from the bathtub. There probably were hair again clogging the drain. Asuka was standing in front of the bathtub, naked, the stopper in her left hand, looking idly at the water level going down. "What's happening to me ?" She asked herself quietly. "This is disgusting !.. I should feel sick just thinking about bathing in the same water as Misato and stupid Shinji !"





When the tub was only two thirds full, she put the stopper back in its place. "Yet somehow... It almost feels... Comforting." She said as she turned the hot water on. Bathing in the same water meant that it was usually too cold when the last person got to take their bath. "I don't get it !" She was getting more upset as she continued with her introspection. "I've lived only for myself for so long... It feels so... Alien. And now I don't think I could ever go back to it..." She trailed off, still watching with disinterest as the bathtub was getting full again. "Stupid Shinji ! This is all your fault !" Despite her accusation, she couldn't help but smile softly.





Her smile vanished quickly, however, as a cramp forced her to hold her stomach. She groaned in pain and grit her teeth. "Ugh ! I hate this !" She cried out to externalize her pain. "I don't even want children !" She took a deep breath after closing her eyes. "Right ?.." She frowned at herself while turning off the tap, her right hand still nursing her stomach. "I'm not sure anymore..." She paused. "Things really were easier when Shinji was just an idiot who cooked my food... But he... Loves me... Maybe I'm the idiot." She chuckled humorlessly before getting into the bathtub.





.





.





It was getting quite late when she got out of the bathroom, clad in her pajamas. Shinji was probably already asleep in their bed. She stayed in her bath longer than usual, the warm water doing wonders to her aching stomach. She slid the bathroom door shut quietly before navigating the apartment.





"Asuka ? Are you okay ?" She tried to conceal how startled she had been at hearing Misato's voice.





"I'm fine !" She answered vehemently as she tried to calm her heart rate. Her abdominal pain didn't help with her patience either.





"You know, you shouldn't preoccupy yourself with those things..." Misato continued quietly, not reacting to Asuka's anger.





"Are you kidding me ?" That did it. "You were listening to me ? What the hell Misato ?" She screamed, not caring if Shinji was asleep anymore. Nor the neighbors, for that matter. This intrusion on her privacy was too much at the moment.





"I didn't mean to... I just heard you through the door." She whispered, trying to make her charge understand that shouting this late was not something that should be done.





"I can't believe it ! I'm never truly by myself anymore, except when I'm in the bathroom ! And even there I have to be aware that you could be eavesdropping ?!"





"Asuka... Calm down, you'll wake Shinji. I really didn't mean to. And I promise it won't happen again. I just couldn't ignore what you said." She saw Asuka take a deep breath, maybe talking about Shinji was a good idea to calm her.





"What is it ?" She spat. She wasn't screaming anymore, but she was still extremely angry. "You're going to lecture me now that you intruded into my privacy ?"





Misato tried her best to ignore the sarcasm, it still hurt though. "... You grew up too fast, Asuka." She said, sitting down on her chair at the kitchen table. "Lots of things happened to you... Things you didn't deserve..." She was taking her time to carefully pick her words, the situation was tense enough as it was. Asuka sat down, opting to stay silent for the moment. "You have a lot of responsibilities on you shoulders, so you shouldn't bother yourself with this right now... You have to appreciate what you have." She lowered her head and took a deep breath before looking her charge in the eye again. "Don't squander your chance to be happy." She sounded thoroughly sad, probably thinking about Kaji, Asuka mused. "You and Shinji have a good influence on each other. Focus on this. You can think about all these things later."





She stopped and waited for a reaction from Asuka, who kept silent. She was looking right back at her intently, with animosity, but also with something else. She was really taking into consideration the advice her rude guardian just gave her.





Seeing that she wasn't answering, Misato continued. "I'm sorry I listened to what you said. But I want you to know that if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm here." She smiled warmly, tilting her head to the right a little. "I've been neglecting you since you arrived in Japan. That's an other thing I've messed up !" She tried to sound playful, but it was obvious that she took it seriously. "I want to make it up to you. We're a team ! And I'm supposed to be your guardian, it's about time I start acting like that !"





Asuka's anger had receded quickly once Misato had started her monologue. Receded, not vanished. She had not expected this. She just wanted to go to bed, she was too tired to argue. She could hold some grudges though. "... Thank you..." She didn't know what else to say. She was still angry, of course, but it was nice to know that Misato was there for her as well. She would probably never ask her anything, but it was nice nonetheless. She had wanted Misato to act more like a guardian, even if she would have never admitted it. That was something she absolutely did not want to admit, but she was starting to get tired of handling everything by herself.





She left without saying an other word. She wanted to go to bed, to find comfort in Shinji's arms. They had a sync test the next day, and there was something she had to do.

 

[E.D.C.]

Hey !

Here's the author's cut of chapter 14 ! I've added some scenes from other fics that I didn't ass in the ff version. It's been a rather hard chapter to write, so I hope you like it !



"Ugh !" She had tried to be angry when she got out of her entry-plug but all she could manage was annoyance and frustration. She was tired. To be more precise, she was completely exhausted.





She knew that she wanted to know, that she wanted to reach out to whatever was hiding inside her Unit 02, so she focused all her efforts towards that goal during this sync test... To no avail. Sync tests were usually nothing much to her. She had to get inside the entry-plug, concentrate a little if she felt like it and leave. And she had the highest sync rate, usually. This time she had to really concentrate in order to find what she was looking for. If there was something to look for in the first place. She could feel something, like a distant presence lurking, watching her from afar. She didn't know what it was or how to reach it, but she spent all this time trying to get closer to it. But the more she tried, the farther it seemed to get.





She could sense it. So she didn't give up, and even though she had failed, she would try again on the next occasion she would get. She was Asuka Langley Soryu. She didn't give up. But she was demoralized. Not only did she fail in getting to the bottom of what was in Unit 02, she also got her worst sync rate since arriving in Japan.





She sighed again loudly, waiting for the elevator. "What a colossal waste of time !" She exclaimed in the empty hallway. All she wanted was to get out of this accursed place and go back home, where things were not as bad.





Punching that wall was starting to feel like a very good idea... Idea that she quickly dismissed however. Shinji would notice. He would see even the tiniest bruise on her knuckles and he would ask questions she didn't feel like answering. His puppy eyes were already breaking her heart enough, she didn't need to give him more reasons to be sad and worry about her.





She was barely able to suppress a jolt when the elevator doors opened and revealed Rei Ayanami. She covered it by rolling her eyes in an exaggerated fashion before stepping inside, leaning on the wall to her right, her arms crossed.





Rei... Yet an other thing on her to-do list. 'Just... Shut up, Wondergirl. Stay quiet. I'm not in the mood !' She thought angrily. However, Shinji's words kept repeating themselves in her head. And for once she had the opportunity to do something. She was being selfish, again. 'I know it's unfair, but I already have enough to deal with.'





"The Eva won't move unless you open your heart." As if on cue, Rei talked in her usual emotionless tone.





Asuka sighed again. "If it's so easy, how come you're so far behind me and Stupid Shinji ?" She answered as angrily as she could. She just sounded tired, not at all like she usually sounded when she got angry.





"Because I cannot." A hint of annoyance could be heard in her inflexion. She had tensed very slightly upon hearing "Stupid Shinji".





"Why do you always have to be so cryptic ?!" She was raising her voice. "Forget that. Why are you talking to me all of a sudden ?" She couldn't begin to comprehend why Rei would chose this day of all days to talk to her.





"I do not trust the Pilot who is to replace you."





This statement hurt. Bad. The last thing she wanted was to be replaced. She had trained to be the best most of her life. They couldn't replace her like that. It was unfair. She didn't show it however"... Yeah. Right. Because everyone knows you trust me with your life !" She still hadn't accepted that Rei had declined her friendship, as a consequence, her statement sounded false. Asuka was in a whirlwind of emotions, all of them negative, just because of one sentence. She wanted this conversation to end. She was exhausted, all she wanted was to go home and sulk in peace.





"You are a valuable Pilot. The three of us have already defeated several Angels together. Moreover, Pilot Ikari trusts you, that is enough for me." All these were facts. Just plain statements, nothing more, nothing less, yet it made Asuka feel a little better. 'I really must have lost my edge.' She thought bitterly.





Ding.





Asuka was taken aback by this answer. It was the first time Rei had told her something which could be interpreted as a compliment. Or something even remotely positive, for that matter. "... Erm... Thanks ? I guess ?.." She answered as she got out of the elevator. Rei followed suit, which puzzled her, since she was standing just in front of the doors. "What ?" Asuka snarled without turning.





"I wish to discuss further things with you." Rei said as calmly as possible, but she was unnerved.





Asuka really couldn't be sure but she would have sworn she heard worry in Rei's voice nonetheless. "My, my... You're a real chatterbox ! Who would have thought ?" She answered sardonically.





"Can I accompany you ?" Rei asked, all emotions gone from her once again.





"Don't you think it's already been enough for one day ?" She asked as clearly as possible 'If she can't understand sarcasm, I'll make it clear for her.' She was at her limit now. She avoided speaking with Rei even when she was having a good day, she didn't need to chat with her right now.





"Please, Pilot Soryu, this is important." Rei didn't react when Asuka tried and mostly failed to stifle a gasp. She knew this must have sounded desperate coming for her, but she had to tell her what was happening.





"Ugh ! Fine ! Whatever !" Asuka answered, defeated, and intrigued, she couldn't deny it. She knew Rei would not give up easily, the best thing to do was to hear her out and maybe eventually she would be done with this day.





They both walked in silence in the corridors leading out of the Geofront for a few minutes. Asuka was getting pretty annoyed at her fellow Pilot's silence. 'If she wanted to talk, why isn't she talking right now !?'





"There are surveillance systems everywhere in the Geofront. I don't want this conversation to be overheard." Asuka heard Rei say. It startled her a little, it was as if she was reading her mind. She rationalized it quickly though. It probably wasn't that hard to guess.





"We're out now."





"Commander Ikari suspects that you and Pilot Ikari are romantically involved."





"Wha..? We... That's none of his business !" Asuka stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face her fellow pilot. Terror etched on her face. It quickly turned to rage and hatred. "And none of yours either !" She screamed, her face red from embarrassment and anger.





Rei stayed silent for a few seconds, studying the redhead's face. "Indeed. It is not. The Commander is not sure yet, however, he is actively seeking confirmation. He has asked me to report to him if I were to learn that you were in a relationship."





"So you asked me just so you could go back to this asshole and tell him everything like the good little doll you are ?" Asuka was -very- glad to be this angry, otherwise she would have blushed so much at the word relationship that even Rei would have gotten the message.





"I am not a doll." Rei answered calmly.





"You are a doll ! You're going to run to your beloved Commander and tell him everything that just happened ! I ha..."





Rei sternly cut her, without even raising her voice. "I am not a doll." She repeated for emphasis. "And I am not going to tell him anything." She trailed off, still scrutinizing Asuka's face, which adorned a mix of terror, anger and incomprehension. When she didn't speak up, Rei resumed. "I just wanted you and Pilot Ikari to be aware that the Commander is watching you."





Asuka was about to explode when what Rei just told her, and what it implied, hit her. "I... Thank you, Wondergirl."





Rei didn't do anything to acknowledge Asuka's gratitude. She just turned on her heels and walked away. Before she got out of her sight, Asuka drew her attention once again. "Wondergirl ?" Rei stopped and turned around to look at her fellow pilot. "And thanks for taking care of the idiot last month. I owe you one." Rei nodded then continued walking.





.





.





Later that night, Shinji and Asuka were idly lounging in their room. Shinji had put a pillow between the wall and his back to make his position more comfortable. Asuka was leaning with her back against him, snuggled in his arms.





"... I'm sorry... You know... For punching you." She broke the silence after some minutes, her voice was low, just above a whisper.





"That's okay, I understand." Shinji answered, squeezing her reassuringly.





It would have worked on most people, but not Asuka. "Don't !" her voice wasn't calm nor low anymore. "You shouldn't accept that ! I don't want you to think that this is normal, idiot ! I don't want you to accept when I hurt you." Her voice cracked a little, but she mostly kept her composure. This was important, she had to make him understand that even if she lost control sometimes, she didn't mean to, and moreover, that he had to stand up to her.





"I'm sorry." He answered meekly.





"No ! I am sorry." She emphasized. "I hurt you. Don't be sorry ! You can't lower your head and accept when someone hurts you, not even me !" She sounded angry, but she just wanted to make sure he understood.





"You were sad... I can't blame you for this." Shinji reassured her once again. She had already enough bothering her. He couldn't put another burden of her shoulders. He could take it. He would take it, for her.





There was a somewhat uncomfortable pause before she spoke again. "Why do you put up with me ?" She couldn't deny the fact that she feared his answer. She wasn't even sure why she asked the question, it just came out.





Shinji took some time to answer. Too much. Asuka elbowed him a little too harshly to make him answer faster. "... You are you."





"That doesn't mean anything." She said, annoyed and rolled her eyes for good measure. He couldn't see it but she was sure he felt it !





"I know." He answered with a smile which annoyed her just a bit more. "I-it's just that... I... I lo-love you. All of you... I just wish you'd talk to me when something is bothering you." His voice got more sullen.





"That's not who I am. I can't just tell you everything like that." 'Like you did' She added mentally.





"You don't have to do this by yourself." He answered, half-pleading, half-disappointed.





"I know." Her voice got mellower. "You'll always be there for me." She felt him tense suddenly as she said that, hugging her a bit too tight and too forcefully. She laughed gently. "What ? You think I'd forget ? Don't worry, I'll make sure you keep your promise !"





Shinji calmed down and caressed her arm a little as if nothing happened. "Then let me help you." He said with determination.





"You already help me." She turned her head so they could look at each other. "Much more than you think. I... There are things I have to deal with before I can talk to you."





"Okay." He agreed, with just a hint of disappointment. "That's enough for me."





"Really ?" She raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you'd be so easy to convince."





"You're the Great Asuka Langley Soryu." Shinji declared as solemnly as possible. "You have one word ! Thus I know that you will tell me everything eventually !" They both chuckled softly.





"I... I can't argue with that." She rested her forehead against his, looking in his deep blue eyes for what seemed like the first time in ages. "Thank you, Stupid Shinji." She wriggled in his arms until she was mostly facing him, her forehead still against his. They looked in each other's eyes until, in unison, they got closer and closer.





They closed their eyes as their lips met in a passionate kiss. An intimate moment that they had not shared for a long time. Ir crossed Shinji's mind that the last time they had shared a moment like this was before she got absorbed in her Eva. As a consequence, it got more intense quite rapidly, both teenagers getting caught in the moment. They slipped under the cover and before they knew it, Asuka was on top of Shinji, straddling him. When they broke the kiss, Shinji looked at her with loving, albeit dazed eyes, breathing heavily. Asuka opened her eyes and smiled at him, panting a little, trying to conceal her own feelings as much as she could. Her long red hair cascading messily on one side of her face, her cheeks flushed. "By the way, Wondergirl knows about us now. And your asshole of a father is onto us. What's the matter with him ?" She had to change the subject or things would have escalated too quickly. Both their hands were already under the other's shirt. Shinji's were on her back, and hers on his stomach.





Shinji's expression became serious in an instant. "We can't get caught ! He already tried to get rid of you. He tried to replace you !" He frowned and continued through clenched teeth. "I won't let him."





"He can't get rid of me !" She said in a light tone, beaming because of how much she enjoyed his concern for her. "As you said, he already tried ! We'll just have to be even more careful." She then planted a small kiss on his lips. "Stop worrying about it and sleep, idiot."





.





.





Signal from Eva Unit 02 showing no problems.





VA connection and fusion are normal. Rate of proliferation is within expected limits.





Asuka was standing in front of her Evangelion in its cage, her arms crossed. The Eva was getting prepared for the sync test, all she had to do was wait until it was ready. She just stood there, consequently, on the gangway.





"I always thought you were just a puppet. That all you had just been created to obey my orders..." She said to her Eva glumly. "But I need to know if what I saw was true." She frowned defiantly. "What are you hiding from me ?.. Are you really inside ?"





She didn't get an answer. All she could hear was the low humming of the machines surrounding her and the lapping of the liquid submerging most of her Eva.





"Did... Did you choose to stop being my mama on purpose ?" She tried to look at the giant before her menacingly, but she had to close her eyes to keep the tears at bay. She took a deep breath. Just before the alarms started blaring.





All hands, battle stations, level one ! Prepare for anti-air combat !





"I'll find out eventually ! Just you wait !" She barked. "This Angel just bought you some time !" She added as she ran towards her entry-plug. She wouldn't run away. She would get her answers. Nothing, not even an Angel would stop her.





.





.





"Angel visually confirmed. Here is the highest magnification." Aoba said, putting the satellite image of the Angel on the Command Center's main screen. The most angelic looking one so far. It looked like a gigantic pair of wings attached to a body which features could not be seen. The whole creature seemed to be made of light, emphasizing its angelic appearance. It stayed in its place, motionless.





"It isn't budging from its satellite orbit." Hyuga continued, not raising his eyes from his own screen.





"It's maintaining a set distance from our location." Aoba confirmed, trying to find something that could help them in the upcoming battle.





"Which means, it's waiting for a chance to descend and close in, or it can attack us without the need to do so." Misato stated. As usual during battle, she looked calm. She was trying to come up with a strategy to dispose of this new threat.





"We can't make a careless move at this rate." Makoto answered.





"Either way, we can't do anything about it unless the target moves within our firing range. The Eva Units aren't capable of attacking anything in orbit." Misato thought out loud. She was getting worried about the Children.





"We have three Evas and there's nothing we can do against this target." Aoba said dejected. Every battle was different, making it impossible for them to be able to rely on a strategy that had already worked in the past.





"That's it !" Misato exclaimed. "A simultaneous shot from the three of them on a set point might be enough to neutralize the Angel !" She opened a comm window with the three Evas. "Everyone's ready ? The target is not moving from orbit. We will have to use all our long-ranged weapons in conjunction with the others to maximize our efficiency and try to destroy it. Shinji, Toji, you'll use the positron rifles. Rei, you'll use the positron sniper rifle."





"Unit 01 will use the sniper rifle." Commander Ikari chimed in before the Children could answer.





"Yes sir." Misato answered, puzzled. She decided not to discuss the Commander's orders. "Now. Since the different projectiles you will be using do not travel at the same speed, you will have to rely on a countdown which will tell you when to shoot." She then added in a lighter tone. "I don't expect anything but perfection from you guys ! Good luck !" She winked as she closed the communication with the Evas.





"Yeah. No pressure." Toji said sarcastically. Despite his comment, he felt confident. He had been training a lot in the past month in simulations, so in theory, he knew how to use his weapon. He didn't need more.





"Consider yourself lucky. It was way worse when that Angel fell from the sky !" Shinji joked to lighten the mood. At this moment, all three Evangelions got launched to the surface. Shinji went further back and got in position, waiting for the tech crew to finish preparing the weapon while Rei and Toji went next to the catapults which were to bring them theirs.





"Aren't we sending Unit 02 ?" Makoto asked. He was monitoring the Pilots so he had a direct video feed from the four entry-plugs, Asuka's included.





"It's been put on suspension under Commander Ikari's strict orders." Misato answered. 'I suppose it's not surprising after what happened.' She added mentally. She didn't like this. She felt conflicted. On the one hand, she couldn't disagree with the Commander's decision, having seen with her own eyes what Unit 02 was capable of in the last battle. On the other hand, she knew that if the situation was to go bad, Asuka would be very difficult to handle.





.





.





"The rain feels weird." Toji said to break the silence. The tension was growing with every second. His positron rifle arrived at this moment, he retrieved it and plugged it to its power source.





"Yeah. It's the first time I fight in the rain." Shinji answered, his weapon was charged, he only had to wait for the countdown to begin. He looked to his right, to his comm windows. Toji was just putting the targeting system on while Rei was picking up her own positron rifle. She didn't betray any emotion. He wondered for a second what she could be thinking about before focusing back to the battle. He didn't have a comm window opened with Asuka. It wouldn't have been justified, and since it was now official that the Commander was meddling in their private life, it was far too dangerous.





From the corner of his eye he could see Toji aiming his rifle towards the heavens above.





'Come on come on come on come on' Toji kept repeating this mantra in his head as he was waiting for his reticles to align. "What the ?.."





"Toji ! Move !" Shinji screamed as a blinding beam of light descended from the sky directly on his friend.





"Aaaaaaaargh !" Toji shouted at the top of his lungs as his Eva started convulsing.





.





.





The alarm started in the Command center where everyone was completely stunned by what they were witnessing. "Is it a direct energy weapon ?!" Misato asked urgently.





"No, I'm not getting any thermal energy readings." Aoba answered.





"His psychograph readings are agitated !" Maya looked scared when she shared this information "Mental contamination beginning !"





Ritsuko looked utterly terrified. "The Angel is launching a psychological attack ? They can comprehend the mind of a human being ?" This could have dire consequences.





.





.





"Goddamn it !" Toji screamed as he started shooting his rifle at random. He kept unloading his weapon, while groaning in pain until it clicked empty. He kept pulling the trigger several times in his pain induced confusion before dropping the positron rifle.





"I'm going to help him !" Shinji shouted as he abandoned his position.





"No. You have to stay at your position." Commander Ikari said in his coldest voice. He was starting to have enough of his son's attitude. He didn't want him to put Unit 01 in harm's way.





"That wasn't a question, Father." Shinji spat the last word, then added sarcastically. "I'm sorry, but I don't have time to argue with you. My friend is in danger." As he talked, he got his Eva closer to Unit 03. He stopped for a few seconds before charging the Eva as quickly as possible, tackling it outside of the beam of light. The plan would have worked perfectly if the impact had not killed most of his momentum. Now, Shinji was the one trapped in the light.





.





.





"Rei ! Go down into Dogma and use the Lance ! Hurry !"





"The Lance of Longinus ?!" Fuyutsuki asked with evident concern. "Ikari, that is..."





"This is our only way to bring the target's down. We do not know what the consequences will be for Unit 01. There is no time to waste." Gendo's worry was enough to shut the Sub-Commander up.





"Analysis of the ray of light ?!" Misato demanded, trying not to listen to Shinji's screams of pain.





"It's an energy wave within the visible spectrum ! It's similar to the AT-Field, but details are unknown !" Makoto answered.





"What about Shinji ?" Ritsuko asked Maya. She couldn't read what was on her screen.





"He's in danger ! The mental contamination has entered Y !" Maya answered, her eyes still fixed on her screen, she didn't want to miss any critical information concerning the Pilot's status.





"Monkey-boy ! Do something !" Asuka's scream paralyzed everyone who heard it. It was filled with hope and despair at the same time, with helplessness and terror.





"Toji can't help him. His plug was ejected as soon as he got out of the light." Misato told her, there was no point in hiding the truth from her.





"I'll go then !"





"No ! Your Eva is frozen. You have to stand by." Misato ordered with as much authority as she could, hoping it would be enough.





"Like hell I will !" Was Asuka's answer. She then started to get her Eva free of its restraints in order to make her way towards the elevators.





"Major." Gendo said. He didn't have to say anything more. The order was very clear.





"Increase the pressure of Unit 02's LCL to maximum." Misato ordered, her head low, just loud enough for the crew to hear. She had to. She didn't have a choice. She cut the communication with Unit 02 at the same time, too ashamed of herself to listen to what Asuka would say. She didn't even pay attention to the conversation that was occurring right behind her back.





.





.





"Aaaaaargh ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop it ! Stay out of my head !" Shinji screamed at the top of his lungs. His throat was getting sore, his screams more and more hoarse.





"Shinji ! Get out of here ! Fall back !" Misato shouted but Shinji didn't hear her.





"Aaaaaaaaaargh !"





*Flash*





Shinji was standing in a large room. His father, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki and Doctor Akagi were behind him. He was just in front of a window, smiling and waving at his mother. She was looking at him for what would be the last time before she entered Unit 01's entry-plug. And before she was wiped from this existence. This memory had always been with him. The Angel just showed him what he had subconsciously repressed for years.





*Flash*





"Leave me alone !" His voice was getting weaker.





*Flash*





He could barely see anything. His whole vision was filled with reddish orange. He was hot. Very hot. With some effort, he could see his Eva's hand, outstretched as much as possible. He could also see a second hand. Unit 02's. Just out of reach.





"Shinji ! Shinji !" He could hear her screaming. He had never heard her so terrified in his life. "I don't want to die !" He couldn't see the hand anymore. He had arrived too late. He failed to grab Unit 02 before it sunk in the volcano. "Shinji ! Please ! I don't want to die ! I don't want to..." She didn't have time to finish her plea. The last thing Shinji heard was a loud metallic sound. Then there was only static.





*Flash*





"Stop ! Don't ! I don't want to see this." He was crying from the visions, from exhaustion, from pain. There was something else, however, which came with the vision. It wasn't a voice in his head, more like a message imprinted in his mind : 'You could have saved her...'





*Flash*





Shinji could see inside a derelict house, and more precisely inside the bathroom. There were wood panels everywhere, the ceiling had collapsed so the early morning sunlight could enter the room. Oddly enough, there was a chair still standing with neatly folded clothes on it. The bathtub was bent and rusty. He could see Asuka inside. She looked terrible. Her hair was messy, her cheeks creased, she looked tired and malnourished. She was soaking in tepid reddish water. "There's no reason for me to live now." She said as he came closer Terrified of the sight before his eyes yet incapable of doing anything or even say anything to her. He could see blood spilling from fresh wounds on her wrists.





*Flash*





"Leave me alone." His voice was now very weak. The simple act of speaking seemed painful to him. 'But you abandoned her...'





*Flash*





He was now in an entry-plug. What startled him at first was that he wasn't sitting in the Pilot's chair. This early realization was quickly replaced however, by the foul stench filling his nostrils, making him dry heave before he could do anything else. He navigated with difficulty towards the chair. That's when he saw her. Asuka was sitting on the chair. She was dead. She had been for a long time. Her red plugsuit was dirty and seemed hollow. Her hair was dry and looked crusty. What shocked Shinji the most however, was her face.





Her skin was dry and rotten were it still stuck to her skull. There were maggots coming and going from the empty cavities of her eye sockets, and even more crawling on her face, the only exposed part of her decaying corpse.





*Flash*





"Please stop. Stop it. Stop invading my mind." He whispered weakly. 'But you ran away...'





*Flash*





He was on a beach. He could hear the waves lapping gently on the white sand he was kneeling on. The night was eerily clear... And quiet. He was strangling her. He could feel how much pressure he was putting on her windpipe. She wasn't struggling, but he could see out of her right eye that she was alive. He didn't stop. He was begging his own body in his mind to stop. To let her breathe. He wished she would do something to repel him. She didn't move.





*Flash*





Shinji said nothing, he was holding his knees close to himself, whimpering. 'In the end, it was you who killed her.'





*Flash*





The Geofront had been turned into a war zone. Nothing had been left unscathed by the fight happening. A gigantic hole in the cavern's structure let the sun shine through. Shinji was fighting like he had never fought before. He didn't control his movements but he could see the destruction he was causing along with his enemies. He couldn't see them, they looked like blurry white masses. He could also see in the distance Unit 02, also fighting these white masses. And the Jet Alone. The image puzzled him for a second before an ear-splitting explosion brought his attention back to the red Eva, which was nowhere to be found. He knew deep down that the explosion had been Unit 02 self-destructing.





'Because you are weak.'





*Flash*





This street was familiar. He had already passed by this cinema several times since he had arrived in Tokyo 3. He had wanted to take Asuka there, to have a nice, normal date with her. He was seeing it from afar. He could hear gunshots, he could see bullet holes in several place, shop windows, a food cart, its umbrella... He was witnessing a scene of urban guerrilla. Suddenly, he saw Asuka awkwardly bolt from a storefront she was using as cover. He heard a gunshot, then he heard her scream. He saw her flop ungracefully onto her front.





'Because you are a coward.'





*Flash*





Shinji couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening. Asuka was clothed in a black duffel coat, in a snowstorm, aiming a rifle at a wolf. She looked exhausted and famished, with dark rings around her eyes, on top of creased cheeks. The noise from the rifle pierced his ears as she shot the wolf down. The creature fell onto her, knocking her down. She shot a second wolf before several others jumped on her. She screamed as she managed to smash one of her assailants' jaw with her rifle. They were too many, however. She was surrounded. Two wolves were biting at her limbs as a third one was trying to rip her face off with its powerful jaw.





'Because you did nothing.'





*Flash*





He knew that scene. It was during the fight against the Angel which took control of Toji's Evangelion. Unit 01 was holding Toji's entry-plug in its hand, squeezing it. However, this time, nobody came before he managed to crush it with his own hand.





'You...'





*Flash*





He was in his entry-plug, looking at a battlefield. He could see Unit 00 struggling against an enemy he could not identify. Suddenly, Unit 00 disappeared in a blinding light.





'Killed...'





*Flash*





Misato was sitting on the floor, inside a corridor of the Geofront. She was breathing heavily. She had her back against a door which led to an elevator. As Shinji saw more details, he could see that she was bleeding from a gunshot. Blood was also dripping from her mouth. Her breathing was getting shallower with each breath.





'Them...'





*Flash*





Shinji was standing in another corridor of the Geofront. It smelled like burning. As he took in his surroundings, he understood where the smell came from. Dozens of corpses littered the floor, some of them had been shot. Most of them, however, had been burned alive.





'All.'





.





.





Unit 01 has shut down ! Life support has developed a problem !





"Pilot entering a dangerous state !" Maya exclaimed, incapable of hiding how worried she was about Shinji.





"No change in target." Aoba added. "Relative distance has remained the same."





"Probability of it moving within firing range is 0.02%." Makoto finished the status report.





.





.





Rei was finally getting back to the surface, the Lance of Longinus in her right hand. She had never ran this fast in her life. She had experimented feelings she was very unfamiliar with for the first time. Fear for her fellow pilots. Fear for Shinji. Frustration. The cable lowering her Eva to the depths of the Geofront was excruciatingly slow, so much that she had to cut her communications with everyone. She couldn't stand hearing Shinji's screams of agony. Each scream was tearing a hole in her soul. For the first time ever she also felt helplessness.





"Unit 00, prepared to throw." Aoba said.





"Target confirmed. Adjustment for errors made." Makoto declared.





"Beginning countdown." Maya stated. "T-minus ten seconds."





Upon hearing that, Rei got into position and started running before throwing the Lance with all her Eva's strength towards the Angel. A bestial wail came from the Eva as it threw the weapon. Shinji's screams had stopped, which had terrified her even more. She was expecting the worst. At least when he screamed she had proof that he was still alive.





Maya had just said "eight" when the Lance left her hand and flew through the clouds, dissipating them at the same time, allowing the sun to shine unobstructed on Tokyo 3, then breaking through the Angel's AT-Field like it wasn't even there before piercing its core and destroying it.





"Target has been destroyed." Rei heard Aoba confirm. She cut her communications again and rested her head on her chair's headrest and exhaled, closing her eyes, physically and mentally drained by the battle.


.





.





Shinji was sitting on the floor, right next to the lift that was bringing his Evangelion back to its cage. He wasn't moving, seemingly oblivious to the behemoth's face in front of him, the slow beeping of the alarm or the cicadas' stridulations. He also seemed oblivious to the footsteps which were quickly approaching him.





"Shinji !" Asuka was furious at Misato, but now was not the time. Shinji had been hurt during this fight. She didn't want him to be hurt. So she wanted to be there for him, to help him go through this. She had heard him. Heard every single word he had said. Heard his silence. She couldn't begin to imagine what it must have felt like to have his mind violated by this monster. "Shinji ! Are you okay ?" He didn't move. He just sat there.





She didn't care that the Commander would see her. She didn't care about anything except him, she just wanted him to be safe. She swiftly ducked under the quarantine tape and got in front of him, putting her left hand on his shoulder and raising his head with her right. "Shin..."





She fell silent as she saw him. She understood when she looked directly into his blank, emotionless, cobalt stare... Into these empty eyes which usually expressed so much emotions, which always made her feel butterflies in her stomach. She understood in a heartbeat that something was wrong with him. She knew this expression. She had seen it before. At this moment, she felt very, very small. As if she were four again. "Shinji... Please... Don't... Don't stop being my Shinji."

 

[E.D.C.]

Hey ! long time so nee ! Here's a new chapter ! And this one has been a pain in the ass to write !

On a side note, I think that I'll stop posting here after this chapter. Every time I get the message that I'm spamming etc and I don't like it (maybe if I didn't take as much time between chapters this wouldn't be a problem !). Anyway, I'll still update the story on ff.net of course.

I think I'll post everything once the story is over here, I don't know. And I still have some time to think about it !

Anyway ! here's chapter 15 :




It had left her paralyzed. Numb. It wasn't true. It couldn't be. She didn't move when they took Shinji away on a stretcher. She just automatically followed when two Section 2 agents helped her up roughly and put her in a car.





Her shock didn't dissipate. She wandered aimlessly from room to room in the apartment. Sometimes she sat somewhere, on a chair, on the couch, other times she just paced, still wearing her plugsuit. It had been a pragmatic decision at the time, she wanted to get to Shinji as soon as possible so she didn't shower nor change before she came to see him. And she couldn't think about anything else since she had seen him. Her hair was coated in dry LCL. She reeked of blood. She couldn't care less. Shinji was gone. Exactly like her mother before.





When she finally came to her senses, she was standing between the doors of his former room and hers. Their room. Her Shinji had been ripped away from her. Of course, he was still there physically, however, the same couldn't be said for his mind. She didn't need to wait for a diagnosis to know. She had already seen it all before. She collapsed on her knees right there, in the corridor. For the first time in over a decade, Asuka Langley Soryu broke down. There was no pretending anymore at this moment. She didn't even care if Misato came back home right now. She couldn't take it anymore. Too much had happened in too little time. It had only been a week since she had been salvaged from her Eva. And during this week, she had lost the two most important persons in her life. And she had been betrayed by her guardian. The same woman who was supposed to be there for her. And there were still all the questions she had concerning her mother.





So, at this moment, she laid down her walls and cried. She screamed and wailed unintelligibly, covering the ringing phone with her despair.





Eventually, she calmed down. Almost automatically. It was over now, she had cried enough. She stood up and went to the living room. The sun was already low in the horizon. It was obvious now that neither Shinji nor Misato would come back home tonight. She had expected that much. Misato could say what she wanted, she had proved that she didn't care about her as much as she pretended to. She went to the bathroom and turned the bathtub tap before shedding her plugsuit. "She could have called, at least..." She whispered to herself.





She wouldn't admit it, but crying her eyes out had soothed her. And soaking in hot water relaxed her even further. She was exhausted and unable to hang to a thought for more than a few seconds. In this blissful torpor, her bad memories didn't come to haunt her. The overwhelming ache in her heart was dulled. She dried herself quickly and left the bathroom with a towel loosely tied around her. She didn't care about such a mundane thing. Nobody was there to see her.





She didn't want to be alone. She had never wanted to despite how she acted around others. She went to Shinji's old room without even realizing it. When she saw where she was, she began to turn around to leave when something caught her eye. There, in this dark room, she noticed something that wasn't in its place. The room was as clean and tidy as ever, the bed was neatly made, everything was in its place. 'He's always expecting me to kick him out.' She thought bitterly. 'It wouldn't be the first time...' She hated herself for that. She didn't want to push him away, sometimes she just couldn't help herself. And now it was too late to make things right.





However, there was something on his bed that shouldn't have been there. The t-shirt he had been wearing the night before. The salmon shirt he also wore when they first kissed. She hated that shirt. It was the embodiment of the boy's lack of a fashion sense. It was far too big for his small frame, not to mention the color ! That being said, she also loved it because of what it reminded her. It was the shirt he had been wearing when he took his most important step towards her. When for the first time in a long time, she had felt safe with someone.





Without even thinking about it, she dropped her towel on the floor and put his shirt on. She then went to his desk and grabbed his SDAT before leaving to her room to put on underwear and a pair of loose shorts. Finally, she got on her bed, put the headphones in her ears and lulled herself to sleep with his music and his fading scent.





.





.





She woke up in a cold sweat. It was the middle of the night. She didn't remember falling asleep. The day's events had taken a toll on her. That didn't mean she was to get some rest. Her nightmares came back with a vengeance. Shinji wasn't there to shield her from them. Even worse, he had been the main tormentor of this new nightmare. It had started like an old one, she was looking in a hospital room through a glass panel. She expected to see her mother, as she was used to. The horror started when she saw Shinji. He was sitting on the hospital bed, his hair was longer and messier and he was wearing a hospital gown. He was holding something in his arms, almost cradling it, caressing its red hair.





"I love you Asuka. I'll always be there for you." She wanted to move, to run away from this torture. Shinji was there, whispering sweet nothings to a doll instead of her. That same doll her Mother took care of before she took her own life. He told her things he had already told her, mixed with things she wished he would tell her, even if she hadn't realized it before.





This sight alone was already unsettling. It was only the beginning, unfortunately for her. "Please Asuka... Why won't you talk to me ?" Each word was uttered with so much pain that it made her flinch.





"Shinji !" She screamed through the glass. He didn't react, as if he couldn't hear her.





"Answer me ! Talk to me !.. I'm begging you !" He cried, his tears falling on the doll's head. She was crying too, watching, powerless, the scene before her eyes. He was breathing heavily, tears occasionally falling from his eyes. She couldn't see his face anymore. Suddenly, he grabbed the doll by its neck and started squeezing. "If you won't talk to me, then you'll die with me !" He finally shouted as he ripped the doll's head. The expression on his face absolutely terrified her. She knew this part of him existed. It broke her heart to see him deliberately hurt her. And at this moment, just before she woke up, she realized how much she was scared of him.





She couldn't help but sob quietly in her bed as her dream gave way to reality. She kept repeating herself that it was just a dream in her head. That he would never hurt her, he had told her so. His SDAT had stopped a few hours earlier when the tape ended. It was next to her head, the headphones entangled on the mattress. She hugged herself and breathed his scent on his shirt's sleeve. She didn't move, except for the occasional sob that she couldn't control, ignoring her rumbling stomach. She eventually calmed down and got out of bed as the sun rose, unable to ignore her hunger anymore.





As she passed next to the phone, she saw the blinking light of the answering machine. She pushed the button and kept going to the refrigerator. "Asuka, it's me. Shinji has to stay in observation tonight. They want to keep him in the mental ward. I promise I'll bring him home as soon as possible. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. I'll come home tomorrow anyway. Bye !"





"Like you give a damn !" She shouted at the answering machine. She had not forgotten what happened the day before. She hadn't forgotten that she hadn't been able to help Shinji because of her. Because she had betrayed her. Because she had betrayed them both. 'She's coming back today ? I'll give her one hell of a welcoming party.' She thought as she grabbed a club sandwich in the fridge and a small bag of chips in a cupboard. This was going to be a long day.





.





.





She had been dozing on the couch when she heard the front door hissed open. It took her some time to register the sound before she sprang to her feet and dashed through the apartment. She had been torturing herself for most of the day until her body couldn't take it anymore.





She stopped abruptly when she saw them. Seeing him instantly made her feel better. She didn't feel tired or desperate anymore. Even her anger towards Misato had vanished. Maybe he was okay. It was the only thing that mattered. She lunged at him and embraced him tightly. She didn't even spare a glance towards Misato. There would be time to deal with her. Right now, she just felt relieved to see him. She failed to realize that something wasn't quite right.





"Asuka, we need to talk." Misato said as Asuka released Shinji, who had not embraced her back.





"What ?" She snarled as she finally looked at her boyfriend's eyes. Her heart sank when she saw his blank expression. His still empty eyes. She wanted to lash out at her commanding officer, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to conceal her sorrow. She didn't want Misato to see.





"I understand that you're angry." Misato continued. She knew that she deserved everything Asuka would throw her. She also knew that now was not the time. They had to take care of Shinji first. Then, she would accept the Second Child's ire. This was the best plan she could come up with. She was exhausted too. She had not slept since the attack. She had hoped it would bring her some sympathy.





"Oh you understand !?" Asuka asked rhetorically. "Let me tell you one thing, Major, you have no idea how angry I am !" Misato's last sentence had been enough to rekindle the flames of her anger.





"Asuka !" Misato shouted to silence her. "I really messed up this time. I know. Believe me. I couldn't think straight back then. I thought I was protecting you from the Commander but I only managed to screw everything up." She paused for a second as she felt a tear roll down her right cheek. "I'm sorry."





"That doesn't change anything." Asuka's anger had receded a little. She could see how affected Misato was. "You know that I could have helped him." Her voice was low and filled with tension. "Because of you he was alone out there ! You let that thing rape his mind !" Her voice cracked, but she kept looking Misato in the eyes.





She had to stay strong to convince Asuka, so she tried not to flinch at what she last said. "... You're right." She was. Even his Father had done something to shorten Shinji's ordeal, she thought for a second before shaking off this preposterous idea. Shinji had suffered through this because of the Commander. If she started taking all the blame for herself, she was going to go crazy and right now she couldn't afford to. Asuka had not been the only one to torture herself after the debacle that was the last Angel fight. "I'll understand if you never forgive me. I won't blame you if you hate me." She was openly crying now. Her voice didn't crack however. "But we have to be there for him. I need you to trust me on this." She wasn't sure how Asuka was going to take that last sentence. She had to take the chance.





"Trust you ?" She didn't take it well. "How am I supposed to trust you ? How could we trust you after what you did ?" She decided to include Shinji, mainly to hurt Misato more. She knew that Shinji would have accepted had their roles been swapped.





"You think this is easy for me ?" She exclaimed. "I care about you guys as if you were my own kids !"





"Then you really have no excuse for what you did." Asuka lamented.





"You would have been fired !" Misato shouted. "Again ! Do you think this would have helped ?"





"I don't care !" This surprised her more than anyone else. A few months ago, being fired would have been the worst thing that could have happened to her. "At least he wouldn't have been like this." She added in a more subdued tone.





Misato realized at this moment how affected her charge was. She decided to take a different approach to try and defuse the situation. She had made a colossal mistake, now it was her duty to fix it. "You remember my scar ?" Asuka didn't react. She continued nonetheless. "I am the only survivor of the Katsuragi expedition. I was in Antarctica when it happened. I saw the Second Impact first hand." She lowered her gaze because of the painful memories. Despite her anger, Asuka stayed silent, her eyes still locked on her Guardian. "After that, I spent years like him." She looked back at Asuka and spoke with more emotions. "Years ! Because they put me in a hospital room ! Alone ! Please Asuka. I know what I did was inexcusable, and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. I just need your help !"





It felt strange to Asuka to see Misato begging her like this. It didn't sound like her. She looked at Shinji, who still hadn't moved from his spot in the corridor. "... I can't." She said as she headed for the front door.





"What you can't do is leave !" Misato was screaming at her now. Not only with anger, but also with desperation. "He needs us !" She realized that it wasn't a good idea to put herself at the same level as Asuka after what she had done. Asuka had just finished putting her shoes on. "He needs you." She said more calmly. Asuka stopped in her tracks. "More than anyone else."





Asuka was standing in front of the door, her back turned to Misato. Nobody could see the tears on her face. "I know how this ends Misato." She said, her voice cracking a little. "I've already witnessed it." She opened the front door. "I can't see it happen again.". She didn't tell her about the nightmare she had and that she was scared to stay in case it would really happen. She left without waiting for an answer. Misato didn't try to catch her.





She stayed in the corridor, looking at the front door. Her tears had dried when she went to the living room. She had failed. On her way, she sat Shinji on one of the kitchen's chair.





Her eyes caught the picture on the wall as she was about to get to her room. She looked at it with more attention. She fell to her knees, still looking at it. It reminded her that she was alone now. "Goddammit." She whispered into the empty room.





Shinji still hadn't moved.





.





.





She walked for a long time, not paying attention to the people around her. There were not a lot anyway. They were scared after that last battle. If she had been in the mood to make jokes, she would have said something about thanking Toji for destroying half the city.





She arrived at her destination rather late. She had to squint to shield her eyes from the rays of the setting sun in front of her. She stood there, a few meters from where she had seen the Third Child after his battle against the fifteenth Angel. She wiped a bit of sweat from her forehead as she took in her surroundings. It had only been a day so nothing had changed. The security tape was still there, the only reminder of the Third Child's makeshift quarantine.





She looked to the spot where Shinji had been sitting the day before. The spot where all her hopes came crashing down. When she saw that the only person helping her was no longer there. She didn't want to run away. She wanted to be there for him. As he was... Used to be there for her. She just couldn't. She still, after all these years, had nightmares about her mother, she wouldn't be able to bear seeing it happen to Shinji. So she left. She couldn't stay there. It was too painful.





She stared ahead until a sound brought her out of her trance. A melody. One that was so close to her heart that it would have brought a tear to her eye if she had not controlled herself. Someone close was humming the Ode to Joy. A single tear managed to escape her eye as she closed her eyelids, images of the concert appearing in her mind.





"Singing is great. Singing enriches the soul. It's the crowning achievement of the civilization that the Lilim created." Said the person who had been singing. This cryptic sentence brought her back from her wistful reminiscence. Even there she couldn't even get a break !





"I'm not in the mood to talk to strangers. Get lost !" She tried to sound aggressive, she only managed to sound crestfallen.





"I understand. In that case, I am Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa. It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Asuka Langley Soryu." He replied with a smile.





"Oh. So you're the impostor ! And I thought this day couldn't get any better." She answered sardonically.





"I am part of the design. Just like you." Kaworu answered, unfazed by his interlocutor's tone.





"Yeah well, don't get too comfortable ! Unit 02 is mine. And I won't let you replace me. Or anyone else for that matter." Asuka said, annoyed by Kaworu's lack of reactions to her sarcasms. He reminded her of Rei in that moment





"I never intended to replace you. Not that I would have had anything to say in the matter." His tone was kind, almost friendly. Despite herself, Asuka felt her resentment towards the Fifth Child ebb away little by little.





"Maybe. That being said, I know that some people want me out, and let me tell you, I will not give up my Eva without a fight." After all, she felt like Unit 02 was all she had left. The last thing she could hold on to.





"Why ?" He asked, still smiling softly.





"What do you mean why ?" She retorted harshly.





"Why do you want to keep on piloting if it brings you this much pain ?" He wasn't smiling anymore. He could see how despondent she was, so the answer genuinely interested him. He waited for several seconds, studying the Second Child's face. She was struggling to try and hide her pain. She knew that this question was pertinent. She had asked it herself a lot lately. She was starting to feel that giving up was not such a bad option anymore. When she failed to answer, he pressed on. "Moreover, why do you want to keep on piloting now that Shinji Ikari cannot pilot anymore ?"





He shouldn't have asked this question. "Don't you dare talk about Shinji !" Reacting like this was stupid and she realized it as soon as she said it. She just couldn't control herself.





"You chose to open your heart to him despite knowing what could happen." He smiled again. She could have sworn he looked proud of her, which didn't make any sense in her mind.





Having this stranger read her so well was particularly unsettling to her. This boy seemed to know everything about her and Shinji. "Incredible." She exclaimed, amazed. "Even the New Fish knows about us ! Is it too much to ask for some privacy ?"





Again, Kaworu ignored Asuka's caustic remark and continued. "It is very courageous of you. If you don't get close to others, you'll never be betrayed and you'll never hurt each other. But you'll also never be able to forget your loneliness. Humans can never banish their loneliness for good, because being human means being alone. However, you chose to take the risk of getting hurt in order not to feel lonely anymore. This is admirable of you." He paused, looking in the Second Child's eyes. "You may act aggressive towards me, but it is obvious that you are upset."





"Of course I am upset !" Asuka shouted, her eyes brimming with tears. She had just about enough of Kaworu's shrewdness.





"Then maybe I was born so that I would meet you..." He was still smiling. Which was starting to get on Asuka's nerves. She was about to berate him because of his cheap flirting attempt when he continued. "So I could tell you not to lose hope. Things will get better... And more importantly, that you deserve to be loved."





Asuka stared at him in astonishment. She was trying to parse what he had just said, and moreover how she was supposed to react. Her instinct was telling her to punch him in the throat so he wouldn't be able to say stupid things like this anymore. She then realized she had been staring at him for far too long so she decided to just answer him. " Sure. Whatever." This conversation had been long enough already, and she wasn't in control. He had manipulated her into saying things she didn't want to say so easily that she was scared it would continue if she were to keep talking with him. "You're finished ?" She tried to sound jaded.





"I'd like to talk more with you."





"No thanks." She cut him sternly before turning on her heels. Maybe a bit too quickly. She didn't care. This discussion had been far too upsetting. "Bye." She mumbled before walking away. He kept looking at her with a smile on his face until she disappeared from his sight.





.





.





"What a load of crap !" She said a little too loud right next to a middle aged man and her young son. She stared the father down until he looked away. If he had a problem with her, she was listening ! 'I deserve to be loved. Yeah. Right.' She had been wandering the streets of Tokyo 3 for hours. 'If that were the case, maybe the ones supposed to love me wouldn't abandon me one after the other !'. She didn't know where to go. She didn't want to see anyone.





In truth, all she wanted at the moment was to lay down on the asphalt and let herself die. This day had been far too harrowing for the young girl. She took a deep breath for the umpteenth time since her meeting with Kaworu to keep the tears at bay. She went to the first clothing shop she found. Section 2 was probably following her right now, so she had to shake them off. She thus bought a big black hooded sweatshirt that she used to cover her hair. She left the store at the same time as a group of people and disappeared into the crowd. The last thing she wanted was to be brought back to the apartment. Even if a part of her wanted to go back to her Shinji. The thing was that wasn't a Shinji to go back to anymore in her mind.





She felt like a fugitive, despite having no intention of leaving Tokyo 3. She decided to go to one of the ruined parts of the city, where she was sure no one would be. She eventually stumbled across a house which was less ruined than the others. That meant that its roof was still sufficiently intact. This would have to do for the time being.





.





.





Ritsuko was sitting in her office. The ashtray on her desk was full of smoked cigarettes. It was late in the evening. She didn't bother going home anymore. There was no point."I see, so she passed away." She did her best to hide her annoyance. She still had a lot of work to do. "Yes, probably, even cats eventually reach the end of their lives." 'That's what happens.' She thought cynically. She crossed her legs. She just wanted this phone call to end. "Don't cry anymore, Grandma." She couldn't just hang up. She was a poor, lonely old woman. Much like herself. "I will. When I get some time, I'll come home for a bit. I haven't visited Mother's grave in three years either." She wouldn't miss her granddaughter for long. The end was approaching quickly now. There was no point in getting sentimental now. She did her best to convince herself. "I'll call you next time. Okay, I'm hanging up now."





"So, she died." She looked to the little cat figurines on her desk. The only personal effects in the room. 'Soon, nothing will matter.' Or so she tried to convince herself. She kept looking wistfully at the two porcelain cats. She loved her cats. Losing one, even due to old age, was a little tragedy in the grand scheme of things, but a tragedy nonetheless.





Her musings were interrupted by her office door opening suddenly, almost violently. There was only one person who usually opened it like this. "Misato. Can I help you with something ?" Since the 12th Angel, the two women barely spoke to each other anymore. Nobody could have told they used to be close friends with their attitude towards the other.





"Do you know if Section 2 has found Asuka ?"





Ritsuko raised an eyebrow at the question. If she wanted to know that, she could have asked Section 2 directly. She didn't even know that the Second Child had been missing. She had been so deep in the bowels of NERV for so long that she didn't even know what was happening outside of her office or the Command Center. "How would I know ?" She answered tiredly. "Is it really why you came to see me ?"





Misato was a little surprised at her friend's insight. "I miss my friend." She decided to be straightforward. She was all alone now and she desperately needed to know that she could still count on someone. "Everything is falling apart around us." She declared woefully.





"This is about Shinji ?" She asked with a bit of annoyance. She had managed to avoid an uncomfortable conversation just a few minutes earlier only to have an other one forced upon her. The woman inside her was almost beginning to believe in karma.





"If only it were just about him..." She answered, staring vacantly into space. Her eyes suddenly darted back to her friend. "Can you believe him though !?" She continued with renewed anger. "He left his own son suffer through this ! I know I shouldn't be surprised anymore but he didn't even come see him in the hospital !"





'I know Misato. I was there the whole time.' She wasn't proud of how her mind was working at the moment. Her oldest friend just barged in her office with an olive branch. The least she could do was humor her. Moreover, she needed a friend too. It didn't matter how close the end was, she didn't want to feel this loneliness. Even the Commander was getting more and more distant. "You know, the Commander is a busy man."





"That's bullshit and you know it Rits ! This man doesn't even love his own son !" She barked back. She needed to vent out her frustration and anger. "I'm pretty sure he's incapable of loving anyone or anything !"





Despite her anger, the woman's reasoning was quite logical. It made Ritsuko uncomfortable thinking about it. It made sense. That's what she didn't like about it, so she decided it was time to end this conversation. "We should go out for a drink sometime. Soon." She added, once again absorbed in her own thoughts.





"Sure thing ! I'll call you ! Thanks Rits !" The Major said almost cheerfully, as if it had been a pleasant chat with her friend. She had been able to talk. That was enough for her.





.





.





"It is impossible for us to recover the Lance of Longinus." The distorted voice of one of SEELE's Committee stated, obviously not pleased about the situation.





"Why did you use it ?" A second voice asked.





"We still do not have the planned number of the Eva Series." And a third remarked. This debriefing was more of a tribunal than anything else.





"I made destroying the Angel my first priority. It was an unavoidable situation." Gendo didn't care about this masquerade. The Lance had been used. There was no point crying over spilled milk. Besides, they should be aware that Unit 01 was of essential importance to their plan as a contingency. He of course didn't feel the need to mention his own plan.





"Unavoidable, was it ? You should make your excuses more convincing than that. Your recent actions have become intolerable." The first voice answered in an attempt to intimidate the Supreme Commander of NERV. Thankfully for him, the phone on his desk rang.





"Fuyutsuki, we're in the middle of deliberations here... All right." He hung up. "An Angel in currently drawing near. Let us continue this at another time." This was good news for the Commander. He didn't have time for such childish behavior. And technically, neither did the Old Men.





"If your seat is still waiting for you, that is." The second voice added, again in a vain attempt to intimidate Gendo Ikari.





"Ikari... Does he intend to betray SEELE ?" Kiel asked right after Gendo had left the meeting. His tone was mostly rhetorical. Mixed with disbelief.