I'm pretty late for this one, sorry about that ! Enjoy !
Day 2 :
I didn't have this notebook yesterday so what I'll just write what happened today. I could have put everything in the same entry but I wanted to relate everything day by day. So this is the day I got out of the hospital. I wasn't seriously injured during the battle, nothing more than some bruises. I spent a day there... Well, more like 30 something hours. I guess I just needed some rest. Mr Kaji came here at the end of the day. I imagine Misato needed someone to babysit me since she wasn't coming home. Too much work she said. It makes sense considering the last battle. She didn't tell me anything about you which is what worries me the most. I know that you came back and that you killed the Angel, but what happened ? Why can't I see you ? Why does nobody want to tell me anything ? Even Mr Kaji seemed worried. We didn't talk much, even I thought the silence was awkward !
What happened to you ?
Day 3 :
Mr Kaji came by again. I guess I'll have to get used to him being here from now on. He just gave me this notebook. He told me to write about what I think, what I feel. And as you can see I am doing just that. I can already see you laugh at my face for obeying orders, just like with the cello... Or the Eva. But it helps, somehow.
Misato called me some hours later. Mr Kaji was nice enough not to try and disturb me while I was in my room. She gave me good news... I think. She told me that you were still alive, that you were still in your Eva, but that something happened during the battle. From what I understood, your sync ratio was so high that you got absorbed inside your Eva. So you're still there but you aren't, and you can't leave. Misato told me that Dr Akagi had a plan to get you out, but that it would take some time. I stayed on my bed for hours afterwards I think to try and make sense of it.
I guess this notebook will serve as a way for me to relate to you what happens while you're gone. That is, if you even accept to read it. Mr Kaji told me that you and him talked before you came back, but he didn't want to tell me what it was about. He only said that you were not mad at me, and that you regretted yelling at me the last time we saw each other.
You know, I shouldn't have let you go. I should have ran after you. I learned what my fath... What the Commander did. I feel so ashamed of myself for what I did... Or didn't do. For not insisting on knowing what was bothering you. For not being there to comfort you when you needed me.
Do you remember the night we first kissed ? That night, I promised myself I wouldn't run away from you anymore. And despite my word, I did. By not following you, I did. I failed you. You will not like this, but I'm sorry. Sincerely.
Day 4 :
If everyday is like this, I won't use a lot of pages of this notebook, that's for sure. Nothing happened. Misato is still at NERV. I think she's avoiding me. I don't understand why. I already know everything, right ? Do you think she's still hiding things from me ? This is killing me ! I'm starting to think that she doesn't come home because she does have bad news to tell me.
Mr Kaji didn't come either, oddly enough. I spent the whole day alone, in my room. I didn't even bother myself with cooking. I'm not hungry, I'm sad. The only thing I feel is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Oh ! I fed Pen Pen. At least I did something today. He seems somber too. I guess he misses you as well.
Day 5 :
Misato came back today. I don't know what I was expecting though, she just drank beer after beer as soon as she passed the threshold. She didn't even come see me before. It still cheered me a little to see her, even though we hardly talked.
I thought I would be pry some information out of her in her state but she kept silent. I'm really worried now. I'm really starting to doubt that I'll be able to give you this notebook one day.
But this isn't the worst part. Do you want to know it ? She cooked for the both of us. And I realized this only when I had finished eating ! I have to do something, I can't stay like this. I didn't even think what she "cooked" was that bad, can you believe this ?
Day 6 :
Today was the first sync test since the Angel. We had to do them in the test plugs, since all the Evas are still being repaired. If another Angel attacks us, we won't last long. None of them can be used yet.
I thought this test would help me think about something else. Guess what ? It didn't. And I did horribly. I don't care to be honest. I didn't even react when Misato told me that I was barely above the activation threshold. Even Toji did better than me.
He tried to talk to me but I left as soon and as quickly as possible. I had only one thing on my mind when I came to NERV today, I wanted to see Unit 02... To see you. It was very strange to see it with all those bandages instead of the armor on its face. And its eyes They looked so... Alive... So human. I don't really know how to describe them, they were really unsettling. I had the impression that your Eva was looking at me the whole time I stayed there.
There were wires sticking out of it from everywhere. I don't know why they are here. Are they some sort of life support for you ? Are they used to monitor the Eva ? It doesn't matter. What matters to me was that you are there. I promise I'll come visit you as much as possible, but I thought about it, I can't come everyday and stay there all the time. It's already suspicious enough of me to come see Unit 02 in the first place. So I decided to come see you every time there'll be sync test or when I need to go to NERV.
Day 7 :
We talked with Misato in the evening. She told me she had realized that she hadn't been there for me and promised me that she would from now on. I guess my sync ratio was really that bad !
She promised me that she would not avoid me anymore, and that she shouldn't have done it in the first place. It still feels strange you know. I've spent most of my life alone, I'm not used to having someone tell me that sort of things. My teacher would have probably ignored me completely in this situation, and he wouldn't have apologized, or even realized how it would have made me feel.
We also talked about relationships. Like the one we used to have. It was really awkward. That's what made me realize that she was "back". She was really enjoying herself while teasing me. Overall, it was almost a normal evening. It was nice.
Day 8 :
Ayanami came to the apartment today. I was really surprised to see her. She wanted to talk to me, maybe she was worried since I didn't come back to school since the last Angel. She asked me how I felt and more importantly, why I felt this way. She didn't say it like that but what she meant was that she didn't quite understand the concept of sadness.
We didn't talk for a long time, Ayanami just came, asked me some questions and left. We talked about the Commander and this time she didn't slap me for telling her what I thought about him.
Day 9 :
I went to see the Commander today. I was about to spend yet another day doing nothing except reminiscing about you and the time we spent together when my mind took another direction. I thought about the last time we talked... The last time I saw you, except this time it didn't make me wistful, it made me angry. Very angry. So I left the apartment and went straight to my... To the Commander's office.
And I completely lost control ! It seemed so unreal, as if it was someone else, as if I was watching it from outside my body. At one point I thought he might have me arrested or something but I just didn't care, I kept going and kept going until Section 2 agents took me out of the office and back to the apartment. I'm not proud of saying that but it felt good. I just slumped when I arrived home, drained of all my energy. It's been satisfying.
I can't believe he could have been stupid enough to fire you. If we had been together... I mean all three of us, we might have been able to kill the Angel without... Your accident. I've never been this angry at anyone before. To think I used to fight to have him notice me... I'm pretty sure he has now.
Day 10 :
Venting out all my anger must have had a really good effect on me, because this morning I decided I'd go back to school. I felt confident, I thought I could overcome any challenge !
I was wrong. Very wrong. I realized this mistake as soon as I arrived. It wasn't that bad at first, I went straight to the classroom so I didn't see many people, it was pretty early.
Then all I could do was look at your empty desk. I just stayed there, dumbly looking at your desk, everyone passing by me. I didn't even acknowledge them until one of them punched my shoulder rather hard. Toji. I hadn't faced him since I almost killed him. I didn't even think about him. I was paralyzed when I saw him. If it weren't for you, he'd probably be dead, and I didn't even check on him after the battle ! So I ran. I ran away from school and went straight back to the apartment.
I thought I was safe. I was wrong, again. I underestimated Toji. He came after school. He just told me not to worry about him, that he was fine. He promised that if I continued feeling sorry about what happened he'd kick the crap out of me. He left right after that. I guess he knew I wouldn't have picked up the phone if he had called. At least he doesn't know about us.
Misato was very supportive, she reassured me when she came home, told me that I could take as much time off school as I needed. She also told me that Dr Akagi was making good progress. I have to trust her, no one knows the Evas like she does. Maya's helping a lot too.
Day 11 :
Toji and Kensuke came to see me today. It makes sense, after what happened yesterday. And I imagine Toji wanted to make sure I was doing as he had told. I'm still standing, so I guess I passed the test. Anyway, nothing really interesting happened, we just talked and payed some video games. It felt nice I have to admit. My only regret is that I can't talk to them. Not because we agreed on not telling anyone. Just because I don't feel like I want to tell them. I don't know if you see what I mean, I'm not sure I understand myself.
Day 12 :
It was Mr Kaji's turn to be here today. He wanted to know how I was feeling. We talked for a long time. About you, about Misato... He stayed a while so I won't bore you with the uninteresting parts, but something peculiar happened. When I told him in details how I felt, he seemed pensive. He wasn't smiling like he usually does. I really can't hazard a guess as to what I could have said that could have had this effect on him.
I just told him how sad I was that you weren't there anymore... Even just putting this on paper seems strange. I'm not used to sharing my feelings like that. It's even more strange that I'm writing them here, so that means that I'm writing them for you to read...
Anyway. I told him that I didn't know how I would feel if I didn't see you again. That I already felt devastated... That I thought you deserved a proper burial, even if you wouldn't be there... Just like my mother.
He almost seemed shocked when I told him that. I say almost because I just can't be sure with him, he never shows his emotions. But I can assure you I saw something.
Day 13 :
I have not been in your room since the last time we saw each other. I promise. But after what happened, I needed to. It's part of you, your little world, with your clothes and magazines on the floor. Your still unmade bed ! And it still smells like you a little. I didn't want to intrude, I swear, I didn't feel like you would have wanted me to anymore. But today I had to. I try to cope with your disappearance, but it's just too much. I'm scared. Scared that I'll never see you again. I miss you.
I should explain why. Today, we had a sync test. We were four. The new Pilot's name is Kaworu Nagisa. He's the Fifth Child. He was sent here as dedicated Pilot for Unit 02. They replaced you ! And the only reason I can think of for them doing this is that you're not coming back.
He tried to talk to me after the test, I kind of lost control and lashed out at him. I even tried to punch him ! Toji was there, he caught me before I could do anything. I feel kind of bad because he seems nice enough. But he's replacing you... I'm thankful that Toji stopped me, even though I still feel bad when I see him.
You would have been proud I think. I lost control just because of what he is in relation to you. I'm less patient than I thought. It makes sense... You're the only one who tried my patience to this extent before that. And I know I would never have lost control against you.
Day 14 :
We talked about you with Misato. We spent the day together, she managed to take a day off just to take care of me. She told me about the time she was your guardian in Germany, it seemed nice. At least she seemed to have enjoyed it. She told me she even missed the times when you both fought ! Because it always passed. She said she was sad that as time went by you seemed to grow colder and more distant towards everyone... Except me, she added that she was really happy to see how we had a positive influence on each other. She wasn't teasing this time, which made me all the more uncomfortable !
When I asked her why you were distant, she refused to tell me. She said that if you wanted me to know, you would be the one to tell me when you'd come back. I really, genuinely wish I knew. I already told you, I hate to know how sad you are and not being able to do anything about it.
Misato's trying to stay positive and I can't thank her enough for that, but you know her, she's really not good with this kind of things. I know she's preoccupied. I want to believe her when she says you'll come back, but it's really hard.
Day 15 :
Toji came to see me after school. He knows about us. My reaction when he asked if this was true was... Eloquent, to say the least. He told me that Ayanami had shared her suspicions with him one day. So much for keeping it secret.
He doesn't really approve, but he doesn't know you like I do. That being said, he respects you a lot. He told me about your comeback to NERV, he was really impressed at how you talked to the Commander ! Don't repeat it but he told me that the Commander scares him. I can relate.
Before he left, he told me he was happy for us. Well, he said for me, but it's a start, right ?
At first I was... Apprehensive. I didn't want to talk to him. He has already moved on, but I didn't. I don't think he realizes what could have happened. That being said, I'm glad we talked. It took my mind of everything, even if it was only temporary.
Day 16 :
Everything reminds me of you. Take this room for example. If I'm in there, it's because of you, because you stole my bedroom when you moved in. Now that I think about it, I really don't understand what came to Misato's mind when she took you in as well. Did she plan for me to get kicked out of my room ? She must have. You would never have agreed to live in the smallest room of the apartment. She must have known that ! Maybe she wanted me to protest.
Do you want to know why I didn't ? There are two reasons. First, I knew it wouldn't have changed anything. I know, this is not a good reason, I know I should stand my ground. I didn't because of the second reason, which is that wanted you to stay. If I had insisted enough on not wanting to live in the closet, Misato would have made one of us leave, and I didn't want that. I wanted to get to know you. I didn't like my new room, obviously, but that was a small price to pay for what I could gain for it.
I thought about all this when I was making breakfast this morning. You usually used to be there, sitting at the table behind me, yelling at me for not cooking fast enough, complaining because you were angry at one thing or another. It's funny how our perception of things can change. Now I would give anything just to have you yell at me again.
Day 17 :
I wonder... What would you have done I had been the one absorbed ? If I had to guess, I think you would have been mad at me for disappearing like that. You would probably have just waited for me to return to yell at me and call me an idiot !
Maybe you would have been sad ? Even just a little ? In any case, I'm sure you would have taken this much better than I do. You've always been so strong.
Day 18 :
I watched the movie we saw together again. I want to believe that they kept their promise. That they both came back and were reunited. I understand it's just wishful thinking, and that I'm just projecting my own hopes, but I can't tell you how much I need to believe they were reunited in the end...
Day 19 :
Well ! That was an interesting day ! Toji took me to visit his sister at the hospital. She reminded me a lot of you ! She might be stuck in the hospital but she doesn't let it get to her ! She's so energetic and lively. You wouldn't recognize Toji when he's around her, he's so quiet around her. That's probably because Sakura is always scolding him !
Toji told me she's getting better every day, so she'll be released soon. He hasn't told her yet because he doesn't want to keep her hopes up. I can understand that, she already can't stand in one place ! That's to be expected, she's bored out of her mind in there. She's been in the hospital for five months and she told me her most exciting day has been when she got transferred to NERV hospital. He told me that he accepted to become a Pilot because of that. He asked me why I was still piloting, since he knows how much I hate it, so I told him that he and I fought for the same reason. That I fight for you, that I won't run away from a fight because you count on me to have your back, even if I know you don't need me to !
I wasn't sure I would be telling you this, but I also felt very queasy around her. She kept telling me I saved her life, that I was a hero. I've never considered myself a hero. I hate being called that. She's in the hospital because of me ! And she calls me a hero. I don't understand. I still think Toji did the right thing when he punched me... She did get hurt because of me. And I wasn't even able to protect you. If I had fought better, she wouldn't have been injured and you probably would still be there.
Day 20 :
I went to see you after the test today, as usual. I'd like to come more, but I don't want to attract too much attention. The techs didn't seem to care, they must be used to seeing me by now. Some of them looked at me solemnly, I don't know if it's because they pity me or if they sympathize with my sorrow. To be honest, I don't really care, as long as they leave me alone.
Misato doesn't like that. She understands why I do it so she lets me, yet she'd rather I did not go see you. She's right, it's dangerous, but that doesn't change anything. Seeing your Eva is the only form of contact I still have with you, and I really need it, I'm starting to have trouble remembering your face or your voice.
The good news is that all our Evas are repaired and ready for combat. When I asked, Dr Akagi promised me they would use yours only if they don't have any other choice. The Fifth Child is only a backup in case Ayanami, Toji and I fail, and it won't happen. I won't let it. My sync rate is not as high as it used to be but it's climbing up slowly, and Toji promised me he'd help. He seemed really honest, you must have left quite an impression on him !
Day 21 :
Kensuke came today. I feel like everyone takes turn just not to leave me alone. I'm a little angry about that, but on the other hand, it's nice so overall I'm glad they do.
He has no clue as to what's been going on between you and me,, I'm pretty sure of that, because he kept telling me that not having you to boss me around had to be amazing. According to him, I'm on vacation from you and your moods right now.
You know what I think about that, so you can guess how it made me feel to hear this. Don't get me wrong, I still really appreciate what he's doing for me, what they all are, but I can't believe he hasn't put two and two together yet. Then again you had to tell me about Toji and Hikari.
He invited me to go to the arcade tomorrow with the three of them, I wanted to say no, but I might have a good time so I accepted.
Day 22 :
Mission accomplished. I had a lot of fun. So much that I didn't think about you for a few hours. And it made me feel guilty. It's not that I feel that I'm not allowed to have fun now that you're... Not there, it's just that it doesn't feel right. You should still be with us, having fun with us, living your life !
Sometimes it feels like everyone just kept going, not realizing just how much they have lost too. They don't realize that they might be dead tomorrow because you won't be there to protect them !
Not thinking about you feels like I'm betraying you in a way, like I'm starting to do just as they do, forgetting you. It's not right. I should think about you all the time. You disappeared ! You might never come back ! They should erect a statue in your memory ! Declare a national holiday ! And I should not stop thinking about you like I did. I'm pathetic.
Day 23 :
Sometimes I wish that I didn't come to your room when I did. If I had ran away like I always used to, it would have been easier for me to cope with your disappearance. Losing you hurts more than any physical pain. I feel so empty. And guilty for even thinking this. I don't want you to believe that I regret what happened between us. I really don't, I promise, it's just that it's almost unbearable sometimes.
Sometimes it just feels like it's too much to handle, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. It's horrible to be this powerless. The only thing I can do is accept it and move on. I don't want to. And I won't.
Misato does everything she can to reassure me. She always tells me that Dr Akagi is making progress and that you'll be back with us soon. She doesn't know anything. Even Dr Akagi doesn't know anything. There's no way of knowing for sure that you'll come back ! If things had stayed as they were, I would have lost a friend. It would have been hard of course, but it would have been nothing compared to this.
I lost you. The one I care for the most. The one I was the most scared of losing. And I don't want to talk about it to anyone, because no one would understand. You're the only one who could understand. The only one I want to talk to about it.
Day 24 :
Do you want to come back in the first place ? I thought about it last night. I know the question is strange, but I mean, maybe you're happy. If you're conscious of what's happening maybe forcing you to come back would only be cruel.
I'm not sure I would. I've tried all my life to run away from the pain, and not being aware of what's happening sounds almost... Appealing.
If I had been given this choice a few weeks ago, I would have probably chosen to stay there, away from the pain, from the loneliness, from the sadness. But now everything is different. You changed everything ! You made me realize that I'm not just an Eva Pilot. That's what I thought before, that people considered me only because of that. You made me realize that people were nice to me, and not just because I'm a Pilot.
I wanted to talk to you before the battle, to face you, just to tell you that I was there for you. I am conscious of the fact that you would have had an easier time believing me if I had followed you last time. I need you to be patient with me too.
Now, with everything that's happened, if I had been absorbed and you had been the one left behind, I would have come back just so I could tell you what I want to tell you.
Day 25 :
Rei and I talked again. It seems they are making good progress towards your rescue. It made me really happy to hear that. Even though it might be stupid, I still hold onto the hope that you'll come back. That I'll be able to see you, even if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I don't care.
The weird part came after. She told me that she understood better how I felt now, she has thought about it a lot after our conversation. She told me that she hoped someone would mourn her as I am mourning your right now if she were to disappear too. And she added that she hated feeling that way because she was hoping to make someone sad because of her, and someone close to her. I told her I would mourn her too. I don't want to. I don't want anyone to die.
She said something that cheered me up though. She said that things were different now without you. Quieter. That made me laugh ! She told me that now, she finds the locker room unnerving because it's too silent. I guess she misses you too. Despite everything that's happened between you.
Day 26 :
Today has to have been the most surprising day since you left. Toji came to visit me. With Hikari. And according to them, I'm the one responsible for them being together now. I made him understand that running away was not a solution. It might seem strange but I am jealous of them. They are together, happy. I envy them so much ! How come they are allowed to be happy together when we can't ? This is so frustrating ! Either they don't realize what happened or they don't care ! It's not fair that they get to keep on with their lives when you can't ! I know this is selfish but I want you back ! I need you back !
Day 27 :
Okay. This week is getting stranger and stranger. As usual I came to see you after the sync test, I'm doing better by the way, I'm almost at my former sync rate, only three points down ! The new Pilot apologized to me when he saw me in the changing room. He told me he understood that I was upset because of him, and that it had never been his intention. He also said something about human hearts being as fragile as glass or something, I can't recall. I shouldn't be mad at him, he has done nothing wrong if we think about it.
It wasn't the strangest thing that happened though. As I said, I was standing in front of Unit 02 as usual, not paying attention to anything but the four eyes before me when someone stopped right next to me. It was Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. He told me that he appreciated my dedication. I was about to tell him that I wasn't doing it to get his approbation or anyone else's when he said something so cryptic that I still think about it as I'm writing these lines. He told me to always remain hopeful... No. He told me not to lose hope. Why would he do that ? Does it mean something ? Do you think I'm over-analyzing things ? He's the closest person to the Commander, maybe he knows things that even Misato doesn't. It's probably nothing, he probably just wanted to comfort me, but it's so strange that I can't help but think about it.
Day 28 :
I finally went back to school. And I managed to get through the day. As you can imagine, the lesson was as boring as it has always been. At least I know I haven't missed much. And Hikari has given me the printouts I didn't have when she came.
It could have been a rather normal day, if people had minded their own business. Everyone kept staring at me. I didn't notice that last time, then again, I didn't notice much that day. Some of them just came to me to ask personal questions and things I didn't want to answer.
Some girls even came and tried to comfort me. I don't understand why now they're talking to me. Why couldn't they do what they always did and ignored me ? They seemed weird, I don't really know how to explain, but them being nice seemed out of place. As I said they used to ignore me, why are they trying to talk to me now ?
Day 29 :
You remember when I told you I went to see the Commander ? Well, I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he's not the one I should be mad at for what happened.
It should be me.
He has his part of responsibility, of course, but so do I. And if I had been there for you, we could have talked to him together, maybe even with Misato. Maybe we could have convinced him that getting rid of you was a mistake.
Instead of that, I stayed away from you. I didn't try to find you because I was scared of facing you. I'm a pathetic, weak little boy.
Day 30 :
My teacher never taught me about religion, he wasn't very keen on these sorts of things. So I have never believed in any Gods or higher powers. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't even given it much thought. But now, I can understand why someone would.
It seems comforting to just be able to believe that everything happens for a reason, that it is all part of a plan... That your disappearance has a meaning.
Day 31 :
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow they will do whatever they have planned in order to save you. I would have preferred for it to be today. It would have been fitting to have you come back on your birthday.
Misato told me not to come, she told me that I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions to myself and that it would be too dangerous. She's still looking out for us, I'm glad. However, I can't help but notice that there are two meanings in what she said. Of course, I wouldn't be able to hold myself if I saw you tomorrow. I miss you so much. But on the other hand, I know she said that because she doesn't want me around in case the operation fails. Please. I'm begging you if you can somehow hear me or something. Please come back.
This will be the last entry in this journal. Hopefully I'll be able to give it to you tomorrow. Even if I can't, I don't care, as long as you are safe. And if you don't come back, I'll stop writing anyway. Because that will mean that you'll never be able to read it.
There is just one last thing that I wish to tell you however. Something I wish I had told you before, because I'm not sure I'll ever be able to now. I love you, Asuka. And I always will.
.
.
"You... Idiot ! Come here right now !" A shrill voice pierced the eardrums of every person in the Katsuragi residence, waking most of them in the process, as well as some neighbors, probably. Shinji opened the door to Asuka's room just seconds after hearing this and entered her bedroom sheepishly. He was the only one in the apartment except from her not sleeping. Pen Pen was comfortably dozing in his fridge and Misato had brought Kaji with her to her own room some hours earlier.
When he entered the room, he saw Asuka sitting on her bed, facing the door, the notebook still open in front of her. Her eyes were red, and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Shinji turned his face away, not daring to look her in the eyes. "Look at me !" Asuka spoke angrily between sobs. He turned his head and stared into her eyes. He had never seen her so vulnerable before. While studying her, he almost couldn't recognize her, it was as if all her defenses had been destroyed. "I'm crying because of you ! Again !.. I never cry ! I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore."
"I'm sorry" Shinji was transfixed by the sight before his eyes, so he couldn't think of anything better to answer her.
"Don't you "I'm sorry" me ! You stupid idiot !" She sounded very angry, her whole body was tense. She closed her eyes and sighed loudly. "You know I can't read kanjis, right ?" She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "But I understood the general idea..." She added before lunging at Shinji in order to wrap her arms around him. She buried her head in his neck, with tears still rolling down her cheeks and landing on his t-shirt. "... And I love you too, idiot !"
