[X] CyberWillow has analyzed enough reports of UFO activity to have found a possible pattern. She thinks if they bait a trap correctly, the UFO might be drawn in. They could ambush it and maybe take it down by surprise. There is however, the sensitive matter of the bait.
"Buffy! Hi," Willow's voice echoed over the radio. "We sort of have a plan that we could maybe try." She seemed a little flustered.
Buffy gave a quick glance to all the snacking demons around her, but they didn't seem like major security risks even if they were listening in with varying degrees of interest. "OK, lay it on me."
"Well, I was working with CyberWillow to try to identify a pattern to the UFO encounters. You know we've had a lot of them over the past few nights." The SDCW had been running kind of ragged after it, and even though it wasn't doing any serious damage, it was riling up all the residents of the town. People were getting clotheslines cut in their yards, cars were being buzzed and spinning out on the streets, and even demons in the bad part of town were getting harassed.
"So what is it? Can we use it somehow?" Buffy asked.
"Umm. Actually, let me put CyberWillow on the line with us. She was the one that found it, so she should get to explain," Willow decided.
It was eerie hearing CyberWillow pick up after her, almost like a twin, though she was still kind of monotone. "According to my most recent analysis of reports from the SDCW, police records, and the magic database, I calculate that there is a 73.4% probability that the Unidentified Flying Object is attracted to acts of sexual intercourse, particularly those that the participants consider to be of an exotic, illicit, or otherwise unusual nature. My efforts along this line first began after asking Daniel Osbourne for clarification on-"
"Woah woah woah," Buffy said. This was mondo bad, had she figured out about her and Harmony somehow? "That seems like a pretty extreme conclusion."
"Willow Rosenberg reacted to my conclusion in a similar manner," CyberWillow said neutrally, "However, considering Pan's wild and erotic aspects, behavior of this sort by one of his invocations is only to be expected. In fact, I based the priors of my probability calculation on documented activities from similar independently acting magic in the literature."
"Does your friend have a split personality or something?" Skip cut in.
"No, that's just her personal assistant computer program thing," Buffy said distractedly before turning her attention back to the radio. "But that doesn't explain every sighting. Harmony and me for example, we were just driving around. I mean, maybe there was a couple making out on the beach, but we didn't see anyone." Maybe she shouldn't have even brought it up. It wasn't something she expected to come up on the spot like this.
"It is likely that they also have other motives, and they may have also been intrigued by you as part of the spell focus," CyberWillow said. "In fact, there is also a 12.5% probability that the Unidentified Flying Object is attracted to characters in the movie, though this is anticorrelated with my first conclusion."
Well, no real suspicions then. That was a relief. "So let's say you're right. How do we use that in a plan?"
"Anya Jenkins has volunteered herself and Xander Harris to serve as bait," CyberWillow answered. "Further details have not yet been determined."
Buffy's eyes went wide in response. This idea had certainly gone places.
"Does that mean they're going to have sex?" Clem asked. "Do you guys do stuff like this all the time?"
Buffy ignored Clem for now. "Does Xander know about this?"
"Anya was trying to win him over to the idea," Willow said. "In fact, he's calling me right now, let me patch him in. Hi Xander. Buffy's on the line too."
"Willow, are you sure this'll even work?" he said desperately.
"There's at least a 73.4 percent chance," CyberWillow said again. "Those odds may increase if we bring additional bait elements."
"Are we going too then?" Clem asked. "The robot said we would be good bait too."
"I wouldn't mind roughing up some aliens," Skip said speculatively.
Nezumi squeaked, then left the break room in a rush.
"That was CyberWillow right?" Xander said. "Talking to both of you over the phone is freaky Wills. And Buffy, is the whole cast of your movie listening in on this conversation? Are we really going to parade my sex life in front of the whole town?"
"I don't see why not." Anya could be heard in the background. "It's not like people don't know we have wild sex already Xander, this isn't going to change anything."
"Xander, you don't have to do this," Buffy said. She knew all too well what it was to want to keep private things private. "We can find some other way."
There was a long pause before Xander finally spoke, "No. Buffy, I've spent the past three days chasing after this thing like a dog chasing it's own waggy tail. I can make this last noble sacrifice. If we're doing it though, we need to do it right. Make it the best ambush it can be."
As quickly as he'd left, Nezumi flowed back into the snack room, and he'd led Director Cortez there too. "Did somebody say ambush? Are we going to finally catch the aliens? I must get it on film!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
The ambush ended up being such a boondoggle that Buffy was worried the UFO wouldn't even show, but to be fair they hadn't really shown much of a fear of people before.
It was nighttime in the woods, and it would have been quiet if not for the faint suggestive noises coming from Cynthia's minivan, which she had heroically volunteered for the mission. Even more heroically, Cynthia was sitting in the driver's seat, just in case the vehicle needed to dart out of the way of a crashing flying saucer or something. Buffy had thought she was done being surprised by Cynthia things, but she had clearly been wrong.
The minivan was parked in a clearing, and on the edge of the woods surrounding that clearing were a whole lot of poorly hidden people. The entire demon cast of Lights in the Sky had attended, Cortez was here with a camera crew, a collection of variously armed SDCW members were standing around, and not to be left out, Cordelia had come as well. She'd even grabbed a crossbow from somebody, for all the good it would do.
The UFO had shown it could see pretty well in the dark before, and they expected it would see all of this, judge it irrelevant, and show up anyway; it'd laughed off their pathetic attempts to down it so far, after all. What they were all hoping it wouldn't notice with the obvious distractions afoot was Buffy's own well camouflaged position, painstakingly set up to provide the maximum number of safe firing lines for the rocket launcher she had on her shoulder.
When they were getting this all set up, Xander had told her that it wasn't actually a rocket launcher, but an AT4 recoilless rifle with an anti-tank shell. He hadn't gotten it without flying saucers in mind, but Buffy was still pretty sure she could make the shot. It was the same model she'd used against the Judge, so she even had experience with it.
The wait was awkward. Buffy could hear various people starting to chat quietly to fill the time, but that wasn't an option for her. It was just her, the AT4, and her hammer tucked into her hiding spot with her, kneeling quietly in the dark forest. She'd been busy enough to avoid a lot of deep thinking lately, but now her friendly distractions were gone and the worries started to intrude on her.
How was she going to deal with Warren? She'd been gamely pursuing avoidance, but a month was a long time. She was worried that he was too smart for her to lie to, and he had a way of poking at questions until he got answers. Maybe she could try to enlist Anya's unused matchmaker efforts on him as a distraction.
What was up with her powers? Sure, she was trying to figure them out with Willow and Giles, but it wasn't like they had any actual leads or theories, they were just playing wait-and-see. Even right now, she just felt way more confident with the AT4 than she had at the mall, as if it was something she'd used every day rather than some obscure military weapon she'd only touched once. Was she tapping into the knowledge of some past slayer who was in the army or something? Or maybe was in some insurgency movement? She had no idea. Was it influencing her in other ways? Nobody had said anything suggesting it, but not many knew she was dating Harmony either.
And really, there was the biggest issue. What was she going to do if she lost the election? If you'd asked her two months ago, she probably wouldn't have even wanted to win, but she could see how badly things would implode if she wasn't standing in the way. And the authority had maybe grown on her, just a little. But whether or not she wanted it, she could still lose, and if she did it was hard to see things just going back to normal. She hardly thought the new mayor would want to keep all the new demon fighting departments and hires she'd made, but trying to police the Hellmouth without all of that seemed ludicrous now. She didn't know how they'd gotten by for so long operating as a fly by night out of a school library.
Would all of them be run out of town, and have to go around hunting interdimensional demons like Skip had suggested? Would she end up competing with Cordelia for movie roles in LA? Would she just go to college and pretend none of this had ever happened? Her mom might think the last option was appealing, but it really didn't seem very plausible to her.
And as her eyes wandered, she came back to her hammer not even having a name yet, which totally seemed more shameful the more she thought about it. Ivgol definitely wouldn't approve. Mr. Mashy? Not the right vibe. Maybe it could be something in Latin, or something poetic. Or ironic. She could call it Zoning, that seemed to have smashed enough plans in Sunnydale in the past century.
Her meandering thoughts were interrupted by a blinking glare, approaching fast. There were Lights in the Sky alright, and whether it was as the Mayor or as the Slayer it was her job to do something about it. Luckily, the saucer settled far to the side of the minivan instead of right above it (Were they trying to get a peek inside or something? Gross.) Everyone underneath its position was hurriedly getting out of the way. Now was the time.
As if she'd been doing it all her life, first she got into the right firing position and put in her earplugs. She made sure the area was clear with the nightscope, then lined up the shot, aiming a little high to correct for the altitude and the wind. She gave her head the slightest flick to make sure her hair was out of the way and couldn't get hit by the backblast, finished her exhale and held her breath, and gave the trigger a gentle squeeze, making sure not to pull her shot.
Even with earplugs in, the boom was loud, but the surprise shell was far too fast for the UFO to dodge. It exploded dead on into the spinning edge, digging in and ripping a small chunk out of the disk. It immediately went into a wild wobble and after a couple rotations it crashed and dug a big trench out of the dirt. Luckily, everyone had gotten clear, including the minivan.
The lights on the UFO stopped flashing and died, but the SDCW was on the ball and turned on their spotlights (recently salvaged out of the city's event supplies.) Buffy threw the expended gun to the side, pulled out her earplugs, and grabbed her hammer. She was the one to make the approach, with everyone else sticking to the tree line and readying ranged weapons.
Just as she was starting to wonder if there was even anyone inside, a vertical door grinded open along the lower surface, and a ramp fell to the ground, protruding at an angle because of the uneven landing. First one, and then two more humanoid figures stepped out nimbly, the first waving what looked like a white towel (probably stolen) and the other two carrying pipes and a lyre respectively.
Their upper bodies would've almost been human, aside from the long curving horns and a wild look in their eyes, but their lower halves were furry and had weird horsey legs. Giles had mentioned Pan was a satyr, but none of this crew looked particularly godlike to her. Probably minions.
The towel one glared at her haughtily, as if it was beneath him to even be talking to her. He should be happy she wasn't just smashing his head in, but fine, she didn't have all night. "Who are you, and what are you doing in Sunnydale?"
"The Lady is so presumptive," As towel guy talked, the other two readied their instruments for playing, but didn't start. It seemed more threatening than it should've been. "We were the ones summoned to your land, this curious place less broken by the War. T'was to be for frolic, sport, and art, but you have pursued us e'er since our arrival here. Perhaps you instead should explain your violent actions?"
Well, he did have a bit of a point, even though he was a dick. But Buffy couldn't afford to give much ground, the time for a better start was in the past. "Maybe the director did call you, but it's one thing to show up and another to fly around with a laser. You've been violating Sunnydale airspace!" That sounded official enough.
"A cloddish custom, for those bound upon the earth to restrict the skies from freer creatures. But we did forego a proper introduction, and we stand to parley in any case." As their leader prevaricated, Buffy could hear some faint chanting coming from inside the UFO. Some kind of attack maybe?
Best to keep things direct and not dance around the issue. She readied her hammer threateningly "You say you want to negotiate? What are your friends doing in there then?"
"Simple repairs. Are we not surrounded by your host and menagerie on all sides? No matter. I can see this disagreement must be settled presently." He seemed to consider for a moment, and then snapped his overgrown fingernails. "We claim a trial by dance, a three against three. Music may be provided by the allies of the parties. If we are victorious, you shall all abide our hospitality in this fair grove, in a magnificent rave. Should you defeat us, we will leave in peace, and shall trouble your people no more."
"That's crazy," Buffy said. "Who could even judge?"
At this point, another, bigger satyr exited the ship, carrying a weird bucket with a head on it. "Pan's totem shall carry his will. And should the answer be unfair, he will most surely hurt his own self more than any injury he does to you."
"There's no reason for me to agree to this," she said. "You're at our mercy. You should be happy if we even let you go!"
"Do you think us defenseless outside our artifact?" he replied. "It was more a thing of wonder than one of battle. Should you choose to make war on us tonight I assure you the tale shall be a melancholy one long remembered." He was a talker if she ever saw one, but he did seem confident. The musicians were still holding their instruments like weapons too.
Vote: Will Buffy and her forces dance or fight? Just about everyone who's anyone is here.
[] Fight
-[] Battle plan?
[] Dance
-[] Who are your three dancers? What do they do, and how? Willow and CyberWillow can setup music, but what do you use?
