M. H. Fuzzball
Aperture Science-certified Horrible Person
- Location
- Sector 2814
Which is odd, because he tells everyone to call him Hagrid, which is his last name.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
But Rubeussss is more fun for Snek to say. And everyone is allowed to call him Snek, of course.
M. H. Fuzzball
Aperture Science-certified Horrible Person
- Location
- Sector 2814
Snek is Snek. What else would you call Snek?
Part Eleven: See Monster? Eat Monster!
- Location
- Australia
Snek is a Good Boy
Part Eleven: See Monster? Eat Monster!
[A/N: This chapter commissioned by @Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]
Mouse Protector
Laughter rose from the viewing area atop Captain's Hill, where five humans and one snake relaxed at their leisure. Mouse Protector, unmasked and going as Diane for the moment, raised her soda in a mock toast as she leaned back against one of Snek's coils. "Oh, man, that's a good one," she said with a chuckle. "Did you really say, 'Get him, Snek'?"
"Purple hair girl did ssay that, Mouss," Snek confirmed, his snakish smile seeming to extend even further. "Blue massk man wass bad man. Wass not happy when Ssnek dropped him in ccell. Ssnek pay back blue ssuit lady for prissonerss Ssnek took."
"Well, I have to say this, Snek, you're the best boi." Lisa leaned over and booped him fondly on the snoot. He preened happily. "The look on Armsmaster's face when you called him 'pointy metal stick man' was amazing."
Diane's eyes widened, along with her grin. "No. You didn't."
"Ssnek did." Somehow, even without shoulders, the enormous reptile managed to shrug. "He had pointy metal sstick. Iss good name."
"It is totally the best name," Taylor decided. She reached into the basket sitting on the nearby table and pulled out an entire roast chicken. "Snek. Heads up."
Snek lifted his head, watching her carefully. When she tossed the chicken in the air, there was a blur of motion and a snap, and the chicken was gone. Lisa, Taylor and Aisha clapped. "Thank you, buzzy-bug girl."
"Buzzy-bug girl." Lisa snorted with amusement. "That will never not be funny."
"Says purple girl," Aisha snarked in return.
"Yeah, because purple hair girl is so much better."
Diane chuckled, listening to the kids bicker amicably. Snek was a big friendly goof who enjoyed having fun and wanted his friends to have fun, too. So bringing them all together and introducing them had been his best idea for doing that, and it had been a good idea.
The most amusing part of it all was the cape bogeyman, whom Snek had called 'nicce hat lady' and had introduced herself as Fortuna. Wearing a fedora identical to the one Snek had perched in the middle of his broad head, she was sitting quietly, sipping at her own soda. Either she was somehow unaware of the hat Snek was wearing, or was choosing to ignore it altogether, which made it even funnier.
Diane's phone beeped, and she pulled it out with an annoyed grunt. "I swear, if this is another telemarketer, I'll sic Aisha on him …" Her voice trailed off as she read the message on the screen. "Oh, crap."
"What?" asked Taylor. "What's the trouble?"
Diane and Lisa spoke at the same time. "Endbringer. Leviathan."
Taylor and Aisha both sat bolt upright. "What, here?" yelped the younger girl, staring out to sea, where a total lack of storm clouds and tsunamis could be seen.
"No, Savannah." With an acrobatic flip, Diane extricated herself from Snek's comfortable seating and landed on her feet. "I'm down for search and rescue in the PRT's contact files. Sorry, kids. Gotta leave the party early. Thanks for inviting me, Snek. I had a blast." Regretfully, she put her half-finished soda down on a table.
"Mouss iss welcome," said Snek. "What iss End-Bringer? What iss Lev-i-a-than?"
Diane pulled on her boots, then slung her baldric over her shoulder. Last, she picked up her mouse-themed helmet and put it on. "An Endbringer is a giant monster. Leviathan is an Endbringer. Every few months, he finds a city to wreck. We all go to fight him until he goes away."
"Mouss fight Lev-i-a-than? Iss dangerouss?" Snek sounded concerned.
"Heck yes, it's dangerous," declared Diane, getting back into her heroic persona. "But that's merely a day in the life of Mouse Protector, defender of the weak and assister of the unassisted. Mouse Protector, away!" Posing, she prepared to teleport to the local PRT building.
"Mouss. Ssnek help."
Diane paused. Snek was strong—really, really strong—but with his carefree mindset, she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him going up against an Endbringer unprepared. "Leviathan's more powerful than all the capes you've fought before, put together," she cautioned him. "If you go after him like you usually go after bad men, he could kill you."
"Ssnek undersstandss." The giant snake got an adorably determined look on his face. "Ssnek will assk Masster to fix. Mouss want to come, meet Masster?"
Now she was really torn between what she wanted and what she needed. Because heck yes, she wanted to meet Snek's mysterious Master. "This won't take long? Because I'm not sure if they'll hold my ride."
"Masster iss very ssmart and powerful," Snek assured her. "Will not take long."
"Well, then, o slithery vanquisher of a thousand foes," declaimed Diane. "Let us visit your Master at once!" Letting the voice drop, she turned to the others. "Sorry, kids. Heroic duty calls, and all that."
Taylor slid off Snek's coils and stood up. "Uh … should I costume up and come too …?"
"No." Diane shook her head definitively. "You don't know Savannah, and bug control isn't great in the pouring rain." She glanced across at Fortuna and raised an eyebrow.
"Fine." Fortuna sighed as she stood up. "I'll get the children home. Thank you for inviting me to your party, Snek. It was … different. In a good way."
"Nicce hat lady iss welcome." Snek dipped his head and looked pleased. "Will ssee again, when Ssnek can."
The look on Fortuna's face was somewhere between resignation and acceptance. "Yes. I have no doubt."
Grinning, Diane swung her leg over Snek's neck and settled herself into position. "Take care, kids. I shall return! Snek—away!"
"Yess, Mouss." Snek reared up slightly as the portal appeared before them. Before Diane think of anything cheesier to say, he whipped them through it … into a building she'd never seen before. The heavy stone walls and the massive wooden beams overhead gave her a strong hint, however.
"Is this your Master's home, Snek?" she said softly, looking around. "Because dang, he's got one heck of an architect."
"Masster built all thiss," Snek said proudly, wriggling along a corridor toward a heavy wooden door. "He iss the Masster of the Casstle." Pausing in front of the door, he bumped his snoot three times on it, counting under his breath as he did so.
"Come in, Snek," a voice intoned from within. "And kindly bring your guest as well."
Snek seemed to use his tongue to open the door, then slithered into the room beyond. Diane just stared around, jaw dropped, as she took in the scenery. A classic medieval castle was one thing, but this was a wizard's workshop if she'd ever seen one. And overhead, she could see a small dragon or a technicolour alligator with wings; either way, it had been taxidermied and hung from the ceiling as though caught in midflight.
In front of her was the wizard in question; of that she had no doubt whatsoever. She'd met Myrddin on several occasions, and he'd pulled off the 'master of the magical arts' schtick pretty well, but this guy made him look like a cheap stage magician without even trying. Greying hair and long robes, check; a gnarled staff made of some kind of wood she couldn't immediately identify, check; a palpable aura of power, check. Currently, he seemed to be working on a set of armour hanging off the medieval version of a dressmaker's dummy.
As they came to a halt and Diane slid off Snek's neck, he turned to face them. "Welcome, Mouse Protector of Earth Bet." His craggy, bearded face—she estimated his age to be somewhere between sixty and six thousand—creased in a smile as age-old eyes twinkled at her. "You are Snek's first real friend from your world, and as such I am grateful to you. He has spoken much of your adventures and how much he enjoys exploring your world with you at his side. Some would seek to take advantage of his gentle nature, but you have not."
"Well, no, of course not." She straightened her back and allowed just a little of her cape persona to creep into her speech. "I'd never do that to the big lunk. He's too lovable."
"Indeed." Shaggy eyebrows rose as he looked down at Snek. "I understand you are here with a request?"
"Yess, Masster." Snek raised his head slightly. "Mouss ssayss a monsster iss attacking. Lev-i-a-than. Ssayss monsster iss dangerouss, may hurt Ssnek. Ssnek wisshess to fight monsster, protect people. Masster help?"
"Well, then." He rubbed at his lips with one knuckle, then casually held out the other hand. The staff, which Diane belatedly realised had been standing upright with no other support, jumped to his hand as though it had always been there. "Water breathing enchantment …" The staff tapped Snek gently on the snoot, and a wave of silvery energy rippled along the length of the giant serpent. The Master of the Castle muttered a few words under his breath, then tapped Snek again. "Improvement and upgrade to your Ironscale and Razorfang enchantments." This time, the energy wave was a sparkly purple. Diane could actually see Snek's scales growing thicker and wider as she watched.
"Thank you, Masster." Snek swivelled one eye to look at Diane. "Masster help Mouss too? Mouss not sstrong like Ssnek."
Oddly enough, the Master looked pleased as Snek made the request. "Yes, I can most assuredly do that. You're a good boy, Snek."
"Thank you, Masster." Snek preened.
"Mouse Protector of Earth Bet." The Master held out his hand. "Will you accept magical assistance upon your quest to protect others?"
Diane found herself smiling at the formality. "What sort of a hero going forth would I be if I did not?" She reached out and grasped his hand.
"Very true." This time, he barely whispered a word, before the same silvery wave washed over her. It felt as though the fatigue in every cell of her body had been flushed out and she had been restored to full energy. "You will be untroubled by water until the danger is past."
She blinked. "I, uh, thank you, Master of the Castle." Not having to worry about drowning in a Leviathan attack? That was pretty damn big, right there.
"Ah, but I have not finished, young hero." Releasing her hand, he stepped aside and gestured at the armour on the stand. "I believe this will suit your needs?"
She blinked and stared at the armour, looking at it properly this time. Subtle contouring indicated that it was indeed designed for the female form, with a sheathed sword at the hip … hell, the helmet even had her mouse ears on it! How had she not seen that before?
"Because I did not wish for you to be distracted," the Master of the Castle said, before she could voice the obvious question. "Wearing this mail, you will be proof against treacherous attack, and no armour will turn your blade."
Oh, holy crap. Magical armour and sword? Yes, please!
She managed to rein in her immediate 'I want' impulse and turned back to the Master. "Just one question. When will you need it back by?"
"Whoever said anything about giving it back?" He made a brushing-away gesture. "The armour is yours. Wear it in good health."
"Uh, yes—yessir!" Suddenly aware of the ticking clock, she stepped over to the armour and examined it.
The pieces seemed to be remarkably similar to hers, and she quickly figured out how to don it. In this she was assisted by a girl who came out of nowhere and assisted her with murmurs of, "this goes here," and "buckle that there".
When she was finished—if anything, it felt lighter than her previous armour—she drew the sword and examined it. The weight and balance were so close to her original weapon that they could've been identical, save that her new blade felt like silk would if it were made of steel. The edge of the sword gleamed with unspoken promise.
Sliding it away again, she turned to thank her impromptu assistant, then stared. "Wait a minute. I know you. Bonesaw?"
"Not anymore." The kid shook her head. "The Master fixed my head. I'm Riley, now. Bonesaw died when Snek rescued me." She stepped forward and hugged Diane hard. "Thank you for killing Jack Slash."
Awkwardly, Diane ruffled her hair. "Yeah, well, it was about time someone did. You're doing okay, here?"
"I am." Letting her go, Riley stepped back and gave her a grin. "It's fun helping the Master with his magical experiments, and I get to play with dragons. And Snek brings us fast food sometimes, which is always nice."
"Heh, yeah, I heard about that." Diane drew a deep breath. "Look, I'd love to stay and catch up with everything that's happened, but Leviathan's likely to get all antsy if we don't show up on time. You know how Endbringers get."
Riley giggled. "Drama queens, the lot of them. Go, kick his scaly butt for me."
"So promises Mouse Protector." Diane turned to the Master. "Thank you once again for all of this."
"It is but a pittance. Your friendship with Snek repays all." The Master made a shooing gesture. "Go forth, young hero, and vanquish the beast."
"And vanquish we shall!" Diane glanced around for Snek, but the massive reptile was too fast for her, ducking his head under her leg to seat her astride his neck. "Wow, you're good at that."
"Ssnek practiccess. Goodbye, Masster. Goodbye, Riley." Snek turned and wriggled toward the door, opening it with his tongue. "Mouss hold on."
That had always been good advice. Diane dug her knees in as the portal opened before them. "Woohooo!"
Snek
Snek decides to open wriggle-hole straight to Sa-van-nah place where monster Leviathan is attacking. Is good Master gave Snek and Mouse water protection magic because is raining lots and lots. Mouse sees men in dark armour and says to go that way. Snek wants to go toward ocean because that is where monster Leviathan is, but Mouse knows better so Snek goes to men.
Men look and smell frightened by Snek, but Mouse speaks to them. She is good with words, and says Snek is friend, and will fight Leviathan. Man gives Mouse pretty bracelet for wrist. That is nice. Mouse is good friend and deserves pretty things.
"Onward to battle!" shouts Mouse, pulling out long blade Master gave her and waving over head. Snek decides this means to go toward monster Leviathan and starts wriggling that way. Monster Leviathan sounds fun to fight. Is bad monster, so Snek can eat!
Lots of water from rain, and rivers to cross, but Snek is good swimmer. Snek sees bright coloured people and knowing they are here to fight monster Leviathan, decides to let them fight if they are polite. Snek does not want to hog fight.
When Snek reaches shore, big wave is coming in, taller than Snek is long. Snek can tell monster Leviathan is inside wave. Snek is very impressed. Wave is bigger than anything Snek has ever done, even when splashing tail really hard in bath.
Mouse slides off Snek's back. She gives Snek a headpat, then a skritch just where Snek likes it. "Snek …" she says.
Snek knows what Mouse is going to say, but waits anyway.
"… get him!"
Wave is much closer now. Mouse digs tip of long blade into sand and kneels, holding hilt with both hands. Snek knows Master armour and long blade will keep Mouse safe. Monster Leviathan is inside wave. Snek dives forward into wave.
Snek is under water now. There is water all around, but Snek is not frightened. Snek does not need to breathe, and Master's spell lets Snek see where monster Leviathan is. Snek swims toward monster Leviathan.
Hurting people is bad.
Snek will not let monster Leviathan hurt anyone.
Mouse Protector
Diane wasn't sure how she knew this trick would work, but the knowledge was there all the same. Kneeling, she grasped the hilt with one hand and laid the other one over the pommel, sword tip sunk into the sodden sand, blade edge toward the onrushing tsunami. In any other circumstance, with the tremendous wave mere seconds from breaking over the outer shores of Tybee Island, she would've been prepping for a hasty teleport to get her out of harm's way.
You will be untroubled by water until the danger is past …
Gritting her teeth, she grasped the sword a little tighter, hoping the magic she thought would protect her was as good as she thought. Ahead, as the great green wall loomed over her, she briefly glimpsed Snek's sinuous form closing in on Leviathan, massive jaws agape.
And then there was no more time, as the wave broke. She was surrounded by a thunder of water, the maelstrom seeking to tear her one way or another, but thwarted by the edge of the blade as it split the onrushing torrent to the left and right. Directly around her was calm water, swirling gently.
Standing, she planted her feet firmly in the sand underfoot. When she pulled the sword from the sand, the current increased noticeably, but it still wasn't enough to be a problem. A thrashing swirl of bubbles caught her attention nearby and she looked around, to see that Snek had latched his teeth into Leviathan's tail and was trying to wrap his body around the rest of the monster. Leviathan was clearly not in favour of this concept and was doing his best to get away, with only middling success.
They tumbled away through the water and Diane re-sheathed her sword with an inner sigh. While she was entirely willing to test out the 'no armour will turn your blade' promise on a certain aquatic Endbringer, her armband was currently yammering out the names of people who had been caught in the tsunami and were now in a bad way. Pressing two buttons at the same time, she reported, "Snek has engaged Leviathan. The best boi is chomping on him like a chew toy. This is Mouse Protector, commencing search and rescue."
Grinning at the stunned silence that followed, she kicked upward into the moving water and swam toward the nearest struggling victim. It seemed that the 'you will be untroubled by water' promise had been quite literal; for her, the turbid silt-filled inundation was as transparent as air, and she could move through it with the grace and speed of a dolphin on cetacean performance enhancement steroids.
There were two capes quite near each other, both struggling to reach the surface and failing badly. Diane saw that one was trapped by wreckage, and the other was held down by a waterlogged costume. Idiot. What did he think was going to happen? Swimming closer, she pulled the sword again and sliced through the steel cable like it was a strand of spaghetti, then sheathed it again, grabbed them both, and boosted them to the surface.
Once the mandatory coughing and spluttering was out of the way, she turned to the one who'd been trapped. "The shallows are that way. Figure you can get doofus here to safety?"
"Y-yeah," he rasped, the salt water he'd swallowed making his voice rough. "Who—who are you?"
She grinned. It was too good an opening line. "I'm the mighty magic Mouse Protector, of course. Purveyor of cheesy puns and aquatic rescue. Now, I'd love to stay and chat, but there are others who need my assistance."
Releasing them, she paused to make sure that they could indeed stay afloat without her assistance—having a lungful of air made all the difference, apparently—then swam off toward the next rescuee. This guy had apparently tried to Tinker up a force-field barrier to stop the tsunami but hadn't factored in the concept that the wave would be higher than the barrier. She paused to disentangle him from the remains of his own tech and get him to the surface, then looked around for more people to help.
What she saw instead was Leviathan.
In the few minutes that she'd been working to save people and make the world a better place, Snek had evidently been having a lot of fun. There were large chunks missing out of Leviathan's hide where the world's biggest cuddle-bunny snake had sunk his fangs in and ripped out a piece. In addition, half his tail was missing—so that's how he got free from Snek the first time—and his left leg looked severely gnawed upon.
And now he was arrowing directly at Diane through the water at a speed that left behind bubbles of supercavitation. Racing in from the side, streaking through the water like the world's biggest and cutest homing torpedo, came Snek, fedora still fixed firmly atop his head. But Leviathan wasn't so much running away from Snek—though he was doing that too—as he was going toward Diane, all four green eyes blazing like Christmas lights set on overload.
The implication was easy to understand. Diane wasn't quite sure how it was that tall, ugly and scaly had figured out that she'd brought Snek into this fight, but he was absolutely willing to take his pound of flesh in retaliation. In other words, he fully intended to smoosh her all over the Savannah waterfront.
There was nothing for it. She drew the sword—even underwater, the motion was far smoother and faster than she'd ever been with her old weapon—and brought it up and around into a guard position. That was all the time she had before Leviathan reached her.
A stunning blow sent her tumbling ass over teakettle in a rush of bubbles. But there was no stabbing pains, no feeling of broken bones. She brought herself to a stable floating position, and checked herself over. Everything was still present and correct; the armour was slightly discoloured, but she was sure that would buff out.
Wearing this mail, you will be proof against treacherous attack …
Well, he hadn't been wrong. But now she had to get back to the fight. Leviathan had tried the ultimate sucker punch on her, and she wanted to return the favour.
That was when she heard the crackling, crunching sounds. Very familiar crackling and crunching sounds. The first time she'd heard them was when Hatchet Face met his unfortunate demise. Looking around, she saw Leviathan again. He was missing one arm and most of one leg; sliced neatly off, they lay on the sand beneath him. Oh, cool. I got him.
And she hadn't been the only one, because wrapped all the way around Leviathan, applying the special snekky cuddle the way only he could, was Snek himself. And the more Leviathan struggled, the more Snek squeezed. One by one, the Endbringer's bones broke.
And then, Snek began to eat him.
Snek
By the time Snek finish eating monster Leviathan—keep leg for snack for later—rain has stopped, water all drain away. Mouss is there, looking happy. Snek happy, too. Was angry when monster Leviathan try to kill Mouss, but Mouss cut off arm and leg. Master sword good for Mouss.
People say many nice things to Snek after Mouss explains. Snek gets many headpats and backrubs. Is nice when people like Snek.
Snek offers to take Mouss back to city with buzzy-bug girl and purple girl, but Mouss says she will stay to help clean up mess. Mouss hugs Snek and thanks him for eating monster Leviathan. Snek is happy Mouss invited him to big fun fight.
Snek goes home through wriggle-hole to Master's castle. He bumps three times on door to Master's work room. "Come in, Snek," says Master. Snek comes in.
"Hello, Masster," says Snek. "Wass good fight. Ate monsster Lev-i-a-than. Got Masster pressent." Snek takes hard ball that was inside monster Leviathan from not-eat place in throat and holds it out to Master.
"Thank you." Master takes hard ball and holds up to light. "This is a fine specimen. I believe I will add it to the collection. You're a good boy, Snek."
Snek is happy. Snek likes being told he is a good boy.
"So, did you really eat an Endbringer?" asks Riley. She gives Snek more head-scratches, which Snek always enjoys. "What did it taste like?"
Is easy question to answer. "Monsster Lev-i-a-than tasste like chicken."
Riley rolls on floor and laughs and laughs. Snek not understand why.
End of Part Eleven
Part Eleven: See Monster? Eat Monster!
[A/N: This chapter commissioned by @Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]
Mouse Protector
Laughter rose from the viewing area atop Captain's Hill, where five humans and one snake relaxed at their leisure. Mouse Protector, unmasked and going as Diane for the moment, raised her soda in a mock toast as she leaned back against one of Snek's coils. "Oh, man, that's a good one," she said with a chuckle. "Did you really say, 'Get him, Snek'?"
"Purple hair girl did ssay that, Mouss," Snek confirmed, his snakish smile seeming to extend even further. "Blue massk man wass bad man. Wass not happy when Ssnek dropped him in ccell. Ssnek pay back blue ssuit lady for prissonerss Ssnek took."
"Well, I have to say this, Snek, you're the best boi." Lisa leaned over and booped him fondly on the snoot. He preened happily. "The look on Armsmaster's face when you called him 'pointy metal stick man' was amazing."
Diane's eyes widened, along with her grin. "No. You didn't."
"Ssnek did." Somehow, even without shoulders, the enormous reptile managed to shrug. "He had pointy metal sstick. Iss good name."
"It is totally the best name," Taylor decided. She reached into the basket sitting on the nearby table and pulled out an entire roast chicken. "Snek. Heads up."
Snek lifted his head, watching her carefully. When she tossed the chicken in the air, there was a blur of motion and a snap, and the chicken was gone. Lisa, Taylor and Aisha clapped. "Thank you, buzzy-bug girl."
"Buzzy-bug girl." Lisa snorted with amusement. "That will never not be funny."
"Says purple girl," Aisha snarked in return.
"Yeah, because purple hair girl is so much better."
Diane chuckled, listening to the kids bicker amicably. Snek was a big friendly goof who enjoyed having fun and wanted his friends to have fun, too. So bringing them all together and introducing them had been his best idea for doing that, and it had been a good idea.
The most amusing part of it all was the cape bogeyman, whom Snek had called 'nicce hat lady' and had introduced herself as Fortuna. Wearing a fedora identical to the one Snek had perched in the middle of his broad head, she was sitting quietly, sipping at her own soda. Either she was somehow unaware of the hat Snek was wearing, or was choosing to ignore it altogether, which made it even funnier.
Diane's phone beeped, and she pulled it out with an annoyed grunt. "I swear, if this is another telemarketer, I'll sic Aisha on him …" Her voice trailed off as she read the message on the screen. "Oh, crap."
"What?" asked Taylor. "What's the trouble?"
Diane and Lisa spoke at the same time. "Endbringer. Leviathan."
Taylor and Aisha both sat bolt upright. "What, here?" yelped the younger girl, staring out to sea, where a total lack of storm clouds and tsunamis could be seen.
"No, Savannah." With an acrobatic flip, Diane extricated herself from Snek's comfortable seating and landed on her feet. "I'm down for search and rescue in the PRT's contact files. Sorry, kids. Gotta leave the party early. Thanks for inviting me, Snek. I had a blast." Regretfully, she put her half-finished soda down on a table.
"Mouss iss welcome," said Snek. "What iss End-Bringer? What iss Lev-i-a-than?"
Diane pulled on her boots, then slung her baldric over her shoulder. Last, she picked up her mouse-themed helmet and put it on. "An Endbringer is a giant monster. Leviathan is an Endbringer. Every few months, he finds a city to wreck. We all go to fight him until he goes away."
"Mouss fight Lev-i-a-than? Iss dangerouss?" Snek sounded concerned.
"Heck yes, it's dangerous," declared Diane, getting back into her heroic persona. "But that's merely a day in the life of Mouse Protector, defender of the weak and assister of the unassisted. Mouse Protector, away!" Posing, she prepared to teleport to the local PRT building.
"Mouss. Ssnek help."
Diane paused. Snek was strong—really, really strong—but with his carefree mindset, she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him going up against an Endbringer unprepared. "Leviathan's more powerful than all the capes you've fought before, put together," she cautioned him. "If you go after him like you usually go after bad men, he could kill you."
"Ssnek undersstandss." The giant snake got an adorably determined look on his face. "Ssnek will assk Masster to fix. Mouss want to come, meet Masster?"
Now she was really torn between what she wanted and what she needed. Because heck yes, she wanted to meet Snek's mysterious Master. "This won't take long? Because I'm not sure if they'll hold my ride."
"Masster iss very ssmart and powerful," Snek assured her. "Will not take long."
"Well, then, o slithery vanquisher of a thousand foes," declaimed Diane. "Let us visit your Master at once!" Letting the voice drop, she turned to the others. "Sorry, kids. Heroic duty calls, and all that."
Taylor slid off Snek's coils and stood up. "Uh … should I costume up and come too …?"
"No." Diane shook her head definitively. "You don't know Savannah, and bug control isn't great in the pouring rain." She glanced across at Fortuna and raised an eyebrow.
"Fine." Fortuna sighed as she stood up. "I'll get the children home. Thank you for inviting me to your party, Snek. It was … different. In a good way."
"Nicce hat lady iss welcome." Snek dipped his head and looked pleased. "Will ssee again, when Ssnek can."
The look on Fortuna's face was somewhere between resignation and acceptance. "Yes. I have no doubt."
Grinning, Diane swung her leg over Snek's neck and settled herself into position. "Take care, kids. I shall return! Snek—away!"
"Yess, Mouss." Snek reared up slightly as the portal appeared before them. Before Diane think of anything cheesier to say, he whipped them through it … into a building she'd never seen before. The heavy stone walls and the massive wooden beams overhead gave her a strong hint, however.
"Is this your Master's home, Snek?" she said softly, looking around. "Because dang, he's got one heck of an architect."
"Masster built all thiss," Snek said proudly, wriggling along a corridor toward a heavy wooden door. "He iss the Masster of the Casstle." Pausing in front of the door, he bumped his snoot three times on it, counting under his breath as he did so.
"Come in, Snek," a voice intoned from within. "And kindly bring your guest as well."
Snek seemed to use his tongue to open the door, then slithered into the room beyond. Diane just stared around, jaw dropped, as she took in the scenery. A classic medieval castle was one thing, but this was a wizard's workshop if she'd ever seen one. And overhead, she could see a small dragon or a technicolour alligator with wings; either way, it had been taxidermied and hung from the ceiling as though caught in midflight.
In front of her was the wizard in question; of that she had no doubt whatsoever. She'd met Myrddin on several occasions, and he'd pulled off the 'master of the magical arts' schtick pretty well, but this guy made him look like a cheap stage magician without even trying. Greying hair and long robes, check; a gnarled staff made of some kind of wood she couldn't immediately identify, check; a palpable aura of power, check. Currently, he seemed to be working on a set of armour hanging off the medieval version of a dressmaker's dummy.
As they came to a halt and Diane slid off Snek's neck, he turned to face them. "Welcome, Mouse Protector of Earth Bet." His craggy, bearded face—she estimated his age to be somewhere between sixty and six thousand—creased in a smile as age-old eyes twinkled at her. "You are Snek's first real friend from your world, and as such I am grateful to you. He has spoken much of your adventures and how much he enjoys exploring your world with you at his side. Some would seek to take advantage of his gentle nature, but you have not."
"Well, no, of course not." She straightened her back and allowed just a little of her cape persona to creep into her speech. "I'd never do that to the big lunk. He's too lovable."
"Indeed." Shaggy eyebrows rose as he looked down at Snek. "I understand you are here with a request?"
"Yess, Masster." Snek raised his head slightly. "Mouss ssayss a monsster iss attacking. Lev-i-a-than. Ssayss monsster iss dangerouss, may hurt Ssnek. Ssnek wisshess to fight monsster, protect people. Masster help?"
"Well, then." He rubbed at his lips with one knuckle, then casually held out the other hand. The staff, which Diane belatedly realised had been standing upright with no other support, jumped to his hand as though it had always been there. "Water breathing enchantment …" The staff tapped Snek gently on the snoot, and a wave of silvery energy rippled along the length of the giant serpent. The Master of the Castle muttered a few words under his breath, then tapped Snek again. "Improvement and upgrade to your Ironscale and Razorfang enchantments." This time, the energy wave was a sparkly purple. Diane could actually see Snek's scales growing thicker and wider as she watched.
"Thank you, Masster." Snek swivelled one eye to look at Diane. "Masster help Mouss too? Mouss not sstrong like Ssnek."
Oddly enough, the Master looked pleased as Snek made the request. "Yes, I can most assuredly do that. You're a good boy, Snek."
"Thank you, Masster." Snek preened.
"Mouse Protector of Earth Bet." The Master held out his hand. "Will you accept magical assistance upon your quest to protect others?"
Diane found herself smiling at the formality. "What sort of a hero going forth would I be if I did not?" She reached out and grasped his hand.
"Very true." This time, he barely whispered a word, before the same silvery wave washed over her. It felt as though the fatigue in every cell of her body had been flushed out and she had been restored to full energy. "You will be untroubled by water until the danger is past."
She blinked. "I, uh, thank you, Master of the Castle." Not having to worry about drowning in a Leviathan attack? That was pretty damn big, right there.
"Ah, but I have not finished, young hero." Releasing her hand, he stepped aside and gestured at the armour on the stand. "I believe this will suit your needs?"
She blinked and stared at the armour, looking at it properly this time. Subtle contouring indicated that it was indeed designed for the female form, with a sheathed sword at the hip … hell, the helmet even had her mouse ears on it! How had she not seen that before?
"Because I did not wish for you to be distracted," the Master of the Castle said, before she could voice the obvious question. "Wearing this mail, you will be proof against treacherous attack, and no armour will turn your blade."
Oh, holy crap. Magical armour and sword? Yes, please!
She managed to rein in her immediate 'I want' impulse and turned back to the Master. "Just one question. When will you need it back by?"
"Whoever said anything about giving it back?" He made a brushing-away gesture. "The armour is yours. Wear it in good health."
"Uh, yes—yessir!" Suddenly aware of the ticking clock, she stepped over to the armour and examined it.
The pieces seemed to be remarkably similar to hers, and she quickly figured out how to don it. In this she was assisted by a girl who came out of nowhere and assisted her with murmurs of, "this goes here," and "buckle that there".
When she was finished—if anything, it felt lighter than her previous armour—she drew the sword and examined it. The weight and balance were so close to her original weapon that they could've been identical, save that her new blade felt like silk would if it were made of steel. The edge of the sword gleamed with unspoken promise.
Sliding it away again, she turned to thank her impromptu assistant, then stared. "Wait a minute. I know you. Bonesaw?"
"Not anymore." The kid shook her head. "The Master fixed my head. I'm Riley, now. Bonesaw died when Snek rescued me." She stepped forward and hugged Diane hard. "Thank you for killing Jack Slash."
Awkwardly, Diane ruffled her hair. "Yeah, well, it was about time someone did. You're doing okay, here?"
"I am." Letting her go, Riley stepped back and gave her a grin. "It's fun helping the Master with his magical experiments, and I get to play with dragons. And Snek brings us fast food sometimes, which is always nice."
"Heh, yeah, I heard about that." Diane drew a deep breath. "Look, I'd love to stay and catch up with everything that's happened, but Leviathan's likely to get all antsy if we don't show up on time. You know how Endbringers get."
Riley giggled. "Drama queens, the lot of them. Go, kick his scaly butt for me."
"So promises Mouse Protector." Diane turned to the Master. "Thank you once again for all of this."
"It is but a pittance. Your friendship with Snek repays all." The Master made a shooing gesture. "Go forth, young hero, and vanquish the beast."
"And vanquish we shall!" Diane glanced around for Snek, but the massive reptile was too fast for her, ducking his head under her leg to seat her astride his neck. "Wow, you're good at that."
"Ssnek practiccess. Goodbye, Masster. Goodbye, Riley." Snek turned and wriggled toward the door, opening it with his tongue. "Mouss hold on."
That had always been good advice. Diane dug her knees in as the portal opened before them. "Woohooo!"
<><>
Snek
Snek decides to open wriggle-hole straight to Sa-van-nah place where monster Leviathan is attacking. Is good Master gave Snek and Mouse water protection magic because is raining lots and lots. Mouse sees men in dark armour and says to go that way. Snek wants to go toward ocean because that is where monster Leviathan is, but Mouse knows better so Snek goes to men.
Men look and smell frightened by Snek, but Mouse speaks to them. She is good with words, and says Snek is friend, and will fight Leviathan. Man gives Mouse pretty bracelet for wrist. That is nice. Mouse is good friend and deserves pretty things.
"Onward to battle!" shouts Mouse, pulling out long blade Master gave her and waving over head. Snek decides this means to go toward monster Leviathan and starts wriggling that way. Monster Leviathan sounds fun to fight. Is bad monster, so Snek can eat!
Lots of water from rain, and rivers to cross, but Snek is good swimmer. Snek sees bright coloured people and knowing they are here to fight monster Leviathan, decides to let them fight if they are polite. Snek does not want to hog fight.
When Snek reaches shore, big wave is coming in, taller than Snek is long. Snek can tell monster Leviathan is inside wave. Snek is very impressed. Wave is bigger than anything Snek has ever done, even when splashing tail really hard in bath.
Mouse slides off Snek's back. She gives Snek a headpat, then a skritch just where Snek likes it. "Snek …" she says.
Snek knows what Mouse is going to say, but waits anyway.
"… get him!"
Wave is much closer now. Mouse digs tip of long blade into sand and kneels, holding hilt with both hands. Snek knows Master armour and long blade will keep Mouse safe. Monster Leviathan is inside wave. Snek dives forward into wave.
Snek is under water now. There is water all around, but Snek is not frightened. Snek does not need to breathe, and Master's spell lets Snek see where monster Leviathan is. Snek swims toward monster Leviathan.
Hurting people is bad.
Snek will not let monster Leviathan hurt anyone.
<><>
Mouse Protector
Diane wasn't sure how she knew this trick would work, but the knowledge was there all the same. Kneeling, she grasped the hilt with one hand and laid the other one over the pommel, sword tip sunk into the sodden sand, blade edge toward the onrushing tsunami. In any other circumstance, with the tremendous wave mere seconds from breaking over the outer shores of Tybee Island, she would've been prepping for a hasty teleport to get her out of harm's way.
You will be untroubled by water until the danger is past …
Gritting her teeth, she grasped the sword a little tighter, hoping the magic she thought would protect her was as good as she thought. Ahead, as the great green wall loomed over her, she briefly glimpsed Snek's sinuous form closing in on Leviathan, massive jaws agape.
And then there was no more time, as the wave broke. She was surrounded by a thunder of water, the maelstrom seeking to tear her one way or another, but thwarted by the edge of the blade as it split the onrushing torrent to the left and right. Directly around her was calm water, swirling gently.
Standing, she planted her feet firmly in the sand underfoot. When she pulled the sword from the sand, the current increased noticeably, but it still wasn't enough to be a problem. A thrashing swirl of bubbles caught her attention nearby and she looked around, to see that Snek had latched his teeth into Leviathan's tail and was trying to wrap his body around the rest of the monster. Leviathan was clearly not in favour of this concept and was doing his best to get away, with only middling success.
They tumbled away through the water and Diane re-sheathed her sword with an inner sigh. While she was entirely willing to test out the 'no armour will turn your blade' promise on a certain aquatic Endbringer, her armband was currently yammering out the names of people who had been caught in the tsunami and were now in a bad way. Pressing two buttons at the same time, she reported, "Snek has engaged Leviathan. The best boi is chomping on him like a chew toy. This is Mouse Protector, commencing search and rescue."
Grinning at the stunned silence that followed, she kicked upward into the moving water and swam toward the nearest struggling victim. It seemed that the 'you will be untroubled by water' promise had been quite literal; for her, the turbid silt-filled inundation was as transparent as air, and she could move through it with the grace and speed of a dolphin on cetacean performance enhancement steroids.
There were two capes quite near each other, both struggling to reach the surface and failing badly. Diane saw that one was trapped by wreckage, and the other was held down by a waterlogged costume. Idiot. What did he think was going to happen? Swimming closer, she pulled the sword again and sliced through the steel cable like it was a strand of spaghetti, then sheathed it again, grabbed them both, and boosted them to the surface.
Once the mandatory coughing and spluttering was out of the way, she turned to the one who'd been trapped. "The shallows are that way. Figure you can get doofus here to safety?"
"Y-yeah," he rasped, the salt water he'd swallowed making his voice rough. "Who—who are you?"
She grinned. It was too good an opening line. "I'm the mighty magic Mouse Protector, of course. Purveyor of cheesy puns and aquatic rescue. Now, I'd love to stay and chat, but there are others who need my assistance."
Releasing them, she paused to make sure that they could indeed stay afloat without her assistance—having a lungful of air made all the difference, apparently—then swam off toward the next rescuee. This guy had apparently tried to Tinker up a force-field barrier to stop the tsunami but hadn't factored in the concept that the wave would be higher than the barrier. She paused to disentangle him from the remains of his own tech and get him to the surface, then looked around for more people to help.
What she saw instead was Leviathan.
In the few minutes that she'd been working to save people and make the world a better place, Snek had evidently been having a lot of fun. There were large chunks missing out of Leviathan's hide where the world's biggest cuddle-bunny snake had sunk his fangs in and ripped out a piece. In addition, half his tail was missing—so that's how he got free from Snek the first time—and his left leg looked severely gnawed upon.
And now he was arrowing directly at Diane through the water at a speed that left behind bubbles of supercavitation. Racing in from the side, streaking through the water like the world's biggest and cutest homing torpedo, came Snek, fedora still fixed firmly atop his head. But Leviathan wasn't so much running away from Snek—though he was doing that too—as he was going toward Diane, all four green eyes blazing like Christmas lights set on overload.
The implication was easy to understand. Diane wasn't quite sure how it was that tall, ugly and scaly had figured out that she'd brought Snek into this fight, but he was absolutely willing to take his pound of flesh in retaliation. In other words, he fully intended to smoosh her all over the Savannah waterfront.
There was nothing for it. She drew the sword—even underwater, the motion was far smoother and faster than she'd ever been with her old weapon—and brought it up and around into a guard position. That was all the time she had before Leviathan reached her.
A stunning blow sent her tumbling ass over teakettle in a rush of bubbles. But there was no stabbing pains, no feeling of broken bones. She brought herself to a stable floating position, and checked herself over. Everything was still present and correct; the armour was slightly discoloured, but she was sure that would buff out.
Wearing this mail, you will be proof against treacherous attack …
Well, he hadn't been wrong. But now she had to get back to the fight. Leviathan had tried the ultimate sucker punch on her, and she wanted to return the favour.
That was when she heard the crackling, crunching sounds. Very familiar crackling and crunching sounds. The first time she'd heard them was when Hatchet Face met his unfortunate demise. Looking around, she saw Leviathan again. He was missing one arm and most of one leg; sliced neatly off, they lay on the sand beneath him. Oh, cool. I got him.
And she hadn't been the only one, because wrapped all the way around Leviathan, applying the special snekky cuddle the way only he could, was Snek himself. And the more Leviathan struggled, the more Snek squeezed. One by one, the Endbringer's bones broke.
And then, Snek began to eat him.
<><>
Snek
By the time Snek finish eating monster Leviathan—keep leg for snack for later—rain has stopped, water all drain away. Mouss is there, looking happy. Snek happy, too. Was angry when monster Leviathan try to kill Mouss, but Mouss cut off arm and leg. Master sword good for Mouss.
People say many nice things to Snek after Mouss explains. Snek gets many headpats and backrubs. Is nice when people like Snek.
Snek offers to take Mouss back to city with buzzy-bug girl and purple girl, but Mouss says she will stay to help clean up mess. Mouss hugs Snek and thanks him for eating monster Leviathan. Snek is happy Mouss invited him to big fun fight.
Snek goes home through wriggle-hole to Master's castle. He bumps three times on door to Master's work room. "Come in, Snek," says Master. Snek comes in.
"Hello, Masster," says Snek. "Wass good fight. Ate monsster Lev-i-a-than. Got Masster pressent." Snek takes hard ball that was inside monster Leviathan from not-eat place in throat and holds it out to Master.
"Thank you." Master takes hard ball and holds up to light. "This is a fine specimen. I believe I will add it to the collection. You're a good boy, Snek."
Snek is happy. Snek likes being told he is a good boy.
"So, did you really eat an Endbringer?" asks Riley. She gives Snek more head-scratches, which Snek always enjoys. "What did it taste like?"
Is easy question to answer. "Monsster Lev-i-a-than tasste like chicken."
Riley rolls on floor and laughs and laughs. Snek not understand why.
End of Part Eleven
KillerFish
Grumpy Owl, Bird Lawyer
I'm pretty sure that there's a neutral tastebud designed solely to taste things that taste like chicken. That;s why so many things taste just like chicken.
Or it's chicken based magic, one of the two.
Or it's chicken based magic, one of the two.
- Location
- Australia
Query: before we had chicken, what did we say things like that tasted like?
My favorite part is that he always knocks three times and counts under his breath.
What came first, the chicken or the taste of chicken?
- Location
- Australia
He's very proud of being able to count to three.
Well, clearly we were able to taste what would become chicken before we had chicken.
The question is, what did we liken that taste to before we had chicken?
Well, I guess I'll just quote Lisa:
Nuff said.
- Location
- USA
"In Which Contessa Is Done With It All." I am a bit curious if whatever mind-whammy the Master of the Castle hit her with has worn off or if it's a permanent block.
- Location
- Australia
Nope, she just acknowledged that the Master does good work.
Levi was unpleasantly surprised as well.
Two, right now.
But hey, you know what Snek calls extra Endbringers?
A buffet line.
When Snek dropped in to say hi and invite her to the party, some of it was lifted. Enough to remember Snek, anyway.
Now, if she could only remember how Snek ended up with a hat identical to hers ...
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- Location
- Israel
Considering that what are the modern chickens ancestors?
dinosaurs presumably.
verycoolname
Not actually cool
Chicken, particularly young chicken, has a pretty neutral flavor. Since the chicken you can get in the store is always quite young, that means it doesn't taste like much at all.
Combine that with how most people haven't trained their sense of taste and don't have much experience describing flavors 'professionally', it's no wonder 'tastes like chicken ' has become a common description for unfamiliar meats.
Combine that with how most people haven't trained their sense of taste and don't have much experience describing flavors 'professionally', it's no wonder 'tastes like chicken ' has become a common description for unfamiliar meats.
- Pronouns
- He
Nope! It's an unwritten fifth elementary power. Like electromagnetism, gravity, weak and strong force. I bet there would be physical phenomenas tasting like chicken.
michaelb958
(Verified Michael)
- Location
- Wherever I am, there I am
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
Sea monster... spicy monster... even chickenier monster. Yep, checks out.
- Location
- Australia
And we all know Snek likes his spicy food.
TheatrclBarristr
Not a barrister
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hah! I can just see Snek surprising Ziz and her trying to flee unsuccessfully.
- Location
- Australia
That's going to happen at some point. She's going to be flying and looking around nervously, and he's going to come through a portal from directly above her, jaws wide open, dropping straight down. At the last instant, she'll look up, let out a squawk of terror that everyone hears, and try to dodge.
It won't work.
- Location
- Germany
- Pronouns
- He/Him
It's really unfair if you go to a diviner fight with massive calculation as your weapon and the other guy does magic and looks into the actual future.