Memory VI - A Lunatic's Farewell
You would think that a species so defined by its endings would be good at them, but none of you are. You cling to dying embers for the last hint of warmth even as they burn you. It's almost as if you don't realise that endings are what you are and what you do. Even as you infect others with your sentiment, you value this tenacity above all things, even as it brings you nothing but suffering. Maybe a reframing will be the thing to finally get through your thick skull.

Don't think of this as an ending. Instead, consider it a change. Change is perhaps even more human than endings. Of course, change always hurts, you've figured that out by now, but isn't it preferable to an inarguable end? There's no point in petty defiance. Not anymore. Embrace it, and watch as you're reborn anew.


Memory VI - A Lunatic's Farewell


Luna Lovegood was a girl on the hunt. She was very often a girl on the hunt, but typically she didn't always know what she was looking for until she found it, at which point it became so very clear that she had to wonder how she could ever have been looking for anything else. It was a very clever way to live, and she thought that maybe people would be much happier if they got rid of the notion that they knew things and instead accepted the opposite.

She had a friend—one she fancied quite a bit—who considered herself something of a thing-knower, and it had only ever made her terribly unhappy. Always worried and depressed, and thinking about endings in a way that made Luna's heart squeeze tight with sorrow. Luna tried to get her to see that a book wasn't just the last page. All the pages before that mattered, too. That last page wouldn't even mean anything at all without the rest of it to fill the book up with hopes and dreams.

Luna though, was proud to say that the only thing she knew was that she didn't know anything at all. That isn't to say she didn't see things. In fact, she was quite sure she saw more than anyone else. It didn't give her any fantastic powers of knowing though, so the things she saw were accepted as easily as the things she didn't.

She'd realised at a young age that magic always spoke a bit more clearly to her than it did to anyone else. Well, not always, but Luna didn't think about endings, and certainly not accidental ones. She thought of it more like a beginning. A bad beginning filled with tears and pain and a hole in her life that her Daddy hadn't the energy to fill up himself, but that was the thing with beginnings; they were the only part you didn't get to pick. Ever since that day—which was just about always for the person she became and never at all for the person she was—the world had been filled to the brink with magic.

It was like a door had been opened somewhere in the back of her brain, or maybe the side. Whatever experiment it was that brought her beginning about, nobody else could see like she could. Her Daddy tried, but he was only ever humouring her. That was okay. He'd always been like that, in the same way that the person he was before never had. He did his best, always talking to her about what she saw and accepting that she knew what she was talking about, even though she secretly knew she didn't know anything at all.

There were swirls and eddies in the skin of the world, highs and lows, hiccups and coughs, bright and dark spots, and who knows how much else? A background layer to every sense giving her insight and telling her how very little she knew. Things which smelled or tasted or looked or sounded like an ocean or a puddle, twisting in and out and up and down and every which way you cared to name, and a few that you didn't. It had taken her so very long to come to terms with it. She thought that maybe it made her mad. Maybe it made everyone else mad for not being able to sense it. Maybe it made nobody mad at all, and it was the world that didn't make sense. Whatever the case, Luna had always had a sense for things (or at least, as always as mattered).

For all that she knew how little she knew, Luna had always loved pretending, and so she started to try to make sense of it. Certain swirls and snarls she saw a lot of earned names. Some of them, which looked more like the snags living things carried around than the ones that never-living, not-yet-living, and once-living things did, got written down. When she was little, she would spend time drawing what these invisible things might look like if they weren't so, before she realised how very rude that was. They were likely invisible for a reason, after all, and besides, they looked like snarls in the weave of everything, just like she saw them. Once she had that realisation, she opened up her Daddy's big books of creatures and saw that it wasn't the look of things that mattered, it was how they acted.

So she and her Daddy made names, and she wrote down behaviours, and even theorised about why these odd little things acted the way they did. Luna figured that she ought to understand better than anyone. She was odd, too. Her friend Ginny had made sure to say so before she stopped talking to her, and Ginny seemed to know all sorts of things that Luna didn't.

The thing she'd never much managed to categorise was the weight that some things had; like they were somehow more present than others. It didn't seem to have any pattern. Sometimes they were people—Professors Dumbledore and Snape, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione—and sometimes they were things—The Astronomy tower at Hogwarts, the Diary that had ruined last year, and the ballroom she'd seen in Black Manor. Luna had a habit of gravitating towards these sorts of things, too. It felt like if she hung around them enough, they might lend some of their extra realness to her. There wasn't any good way of telling if it worked, unfortunately. She couldn't see how real she was in comparison to anything else. Looking in the mirror just let her see the mirror. It was just one more thing she didn't know, like anything else.

One day, not long after a quidditch game in which Hufflepuff had won but Harry had most assuredly lost, Luna noticed something rather strange. Stranger than normal, at least. She was venturing out to help Hagrid gather useful plants at the edge of the wood—part of detention from Professor Snape for wondering why derk sprites loved him so much when she was supposed to be brewing—when she saw a dementor off past the wardline. It was just standing there being awful, as dementors were wont to do, but there was something different about it.

Most dementors, they sucked the skin of the world in and in and in, like they were starving and only the ripples from other people's snags could feed them. It was hard to see or feel or hear through, and she knew that if she got any closer to try then she wouldn't see anything but old beginnings that she wouldn't be able to help but feel as if they were endings, and that was the sort of awful experience she wouldn't wish on anyone.

The thing was, this one felt strange, and so by the curiosity that was her wont, her hunt began. She looked upon the rotted, decayed, floating carcass, looking for answers among the spirit of death; because she was right, and she really didn't know anything, and so she looked for answers in the unknowable like all the stupidest, pettiest humans tended to do. She should have known it wouldn't end well, but she was small, and the smaller humans always tended to be among the stupidest and pettiest examples of their filthy, disgusting, degenerate kind.

Luna tried to creep closer, and just before she was caught out by Hagrid, she saw it. The dementor with the un-tattered cloak that was looking right at Luna and judging, like it judged every ridiculous human it saw, was more real than the others. Underneath the inward spiral so deep it made her dizzy, it had a weight to it, and it tasted familiar in a way she couldn't place. Familiar like the songs she heard and felt and hummed but never named, or like home was familiar. Certainly, nothing normal for a dementor to be feeling like.

Hagrid caught her then, and her hunt ended. He asked what she'd been doing walking away, and she told him the truth. She'd been listening. He accepted it in the way that most people accepted Luna's strangeness: with a sideways glance and a shake of the head. Just one more person who didn't know how to listen when Luna talked, but that was okay.

For the rest of her detention, Luna thought about the familiar dementor that had more weight to its magic than it should. It was so strange and so familiar that it sat on the whole of her tongue—not just the tip—for hours and days after the fact, leaving her wondering if she hadn't managed to know something after all.





"You've been acting a bit off recently," Ginny said as they studied in the library one day, ignoring that she always thought Luna was a bit off. It was very kind of her to do, Luna thought. More than that, though, she was thinking about the strange dementor, why the weight was familiar, and a little bit about what she'd have for dinner.

"Have I?" she asked.

Ginny gave her a stern look, which Luna ignored. "Ever since your detention the other day. Did something happen?"

"All sorts of somethings happened. I think it would be stranger if they didn't." That earned her a pinched nose and a sigh, which Luna was accustomed to, but thought was certainly very odd. She was right, after all.

"What I mean is, did something happen out of the ordinary?"

"The wrigglewart on the edge of the forest is still all around. It's very late in the year for that, isn't it?" Luna cocked her head to the side to consider it. "Maybe the strange dementor I saw had something to do with it."

Ginny choked. Luna thought that was quite impressive given that the only thing in her mouth was her tongue. "What makes a dementor strange?" she asked once she'd recovered from her feat.

"It's just that I know this dementor," Luna said.

"How do—" she started, but was made to restart more quietly by the glare of Madam Pince. "How do you know a dementor?"

"I don't know." Luna smiled. "Strange, isn't it?"

"How do you not know how you know someone?"

"I don't know."

Ginny looked to the sky for a few seconds for reasons known only to her before setting eyes back on Luna. "So that's why you've been all off, then. You've been thinking about this dementor."

"Among other things." She'd been thinking about her maybe-more-than-friend more than normal since their day in the lake, but Ginny was always very strange about that, so she opted not to mention it. "I've been wondering. Do you think that dementors get lonely?"

"No," Ginny said easily.

"I think that I'd get lonely if everyone was too bothered by me to come close. Wouldn't you?"

"I suppose so," she said patiently, "but dementors aren't like us."

"Maybe, but you say that about the Slytherins, too," Luna pointed out. Ginny frowned because Luna was right, and then scowled because she saw where this was going.

"Please tell me you're not going to try to do something nice for the dementors."

Luna perked up. "I wasn't, but now you mention it, that's a very kind idea. It's hard to see if they've got wrackspurts, but I'll bet that we might be able to get rid of any they do have. Maybe then they'll be less sour."

"No," Ginny said.

"I think so, yes." And Luna stood and gathered her things, because she had just had the perfect idea for how to shoo wrackspurts away. "Are you coming?"

Ginny glared and grumbled and even dragged her feet a little, but the answer was 'yes' regardless. She was a good friend like that. Buoyed up by the support, Luna grabbed Ginny's hand and dragged her away, out into the halls, up the stairs, and down the stairs again, and past a very polite portrait to get some directions, and down the wrong way for a little while before realising that they had spoken to the portrait of Ilray the Deceiver, then finally down to the ground floor to find the greenhouses.

"If we were just coming here, I could've led us," Ginny complained, ignoring how much they'd laughed at every wrong turn.

"My way was more interesting," Luna said, and that was that as far as she cared.

It was a Saturday when they left the library and a Saturday when they arrived at the greenhouses, and Luna checked her wrist-dial to see that it was even the same Saturday! Not that she'd ever had that problem before, but it was good to check sometimes. Regardless, Professor Sprout opened up the Greenhouses on Saturdays for people who wanted to do extra work to catch up or study or just spend time with the plants. Luna often belonged to the latter category, because plants were easy to read when you could see and hear the things she could, and the sorts of people who loved to garden were rarely the sort to keep nargles around. Troublesome things, nargles. They'd always steal your homework when you weren't looking.

Professor Sprout was sat in the back of greenhouse one like always when they got there, grading papers and keeping an eye on things. Luna dragged Ginny in and past the other students working at their stations to come to rest before the squat professor. They were greeted with a smile as she set her quill aside to look up at the girls.

"Miss Weasley! Don't think I've seen you here outside of class before. Did Luna convince you to come take a look at the dirigible plums?"

Ginny gave Luna the strange sort of look she reserved just for her. "Er, no, Professor. I don't think so, at least. I'm not actually sure why I'm here."

"There's someone I know that I think has a wrackspurt infestation," Luna said eagerly, "and I was thinking that I could use a few flowers to make them something to help ward them off. Nobody deserves to be wracked by wrackspurts."

It must have been Professor Sprout's turn, because she, too, gave Luna the strange sort of look she reserved just for her. "Wrackspurts, dear?" she asked, smile still warm, if slightly befuddled.

Luna nodded sagely and gave a well-practised explanation. "They're invisible. They like to float in through your ears and make your brain go fuzzy."

"I see," Professor Sprout lied, but that was okay. "And you're sure conjured flowers won't do the job? Minerva's already taught you that one, hasn't she?"

"She has, and I don't think they will. Conjured flowers' tangles are all wrong," Luna said.

The professor nodded as if she knew what Luna was talking about, which was kind of her. "Well, you've always been careful with the plants, so I don't see the issue. The somnus weed's flowering over in greenhouse two, and so's the pixie tongue just there. Just make sure to only take a couple flowers per pot, alright?"

Luna nodded happily as she took Ginny's hand once more and started to drag her away. "Thank you, Professor!"

"Of course, just remember your gloves for the somnus weed!"

After retrieving a basket and a pair of gloves, mindful of Professor Sprout's watchful eye, the two girls set up by the pots of pixie tongue and set to work.

"I can't believe you got me doing extra herbology," Ginny grumbled. "Why are we here, anyway?"

Luna hummed along with the flowers, who seemed very happy to see her. "Do you recall how sad you were when Bill left for Egypt the first time?"

"Yeah, I… All of us were, really. Mum was being all smothering, and Dad started spending more time in the shed with his muggle things, and Ron kept on pretending it didn't bother him and making fun of me for crying, the tosser." She sighed, a nostalgic smile spreading across her face. "Haven't thought about it in ages. What's that got to do with it?"

"Do you remember when we met up by the river?" Luna prompted, deciding on a flower that was good enough and plucking it with a whispered thanks.

Ginny huffed a laugh. "I remember, yeah. Right mess, I was. We were playing castle, right? And you absolutely insisted on doing it away from the trees."

"Away from the river," Luna corrected.

She grimaced. "Right. And…" Something between comprehension and confusion dawned on Ginny's face. "I broke down, 'cause I was a dumb kid who thought Bill was never gonna come back, and you went and made me a flower crown."

Luna nodded, giving Ginny a soft smile before going back to her flower picking. "I couldn't see them, but you were covered in all sorts of wrackspurts. I thought the crown might make you feel better, and it did, didn't it?"

"Yeah, it did. It's just, can dementors even get wrackspurts?" Ginny asked. She didn't believe that anyone could, Luna could see and hear and feel that, but neither could her Daddy, and she appreciated the effort.

"I don't know," Luna said honestly. "But I think that trying to get rid of them would be a very nice way to find out, don't you?"

Ginny laughed and started looking through flowers in earnest. "Suppose so. Only, aren't you worried?"

Luna weighed the question. "I don't think so, no."

"But I saw you on the train, Luna. You were catatonic! I'm not gonna let you just go up to one on purpose."

"Yes," Luna allowed, "but we don't have to go up to it, do we? We learned to levitate things last year."

Ginny stopped just to blink for a moment before nodding. "Fair enough. I'm coming with, though."

"Of course," Luna agreed, and it was settled. Between the two of them it didn't take long at all to get a bounty of pixie tongue flowers fit for weaving. Once Luna was thus satisfied, they moved on to greenhouse two to find the somnus weed.

Ginny went quiet at some point, and Luna was happy to give her the room to think. She was very herself, after all, and so she only ever did any difficult thinking when there wasn't anything else to do or say. With how long it took, Luna figured it must have been a difficult subject indeed.

"Is it the infestation?" Luna finally asked when she noticed that Ginny had stopped in the middle of plucking the soporific thorns from one of the flowers.

She startled with a jerk and would have sent her into a long and restful sleep were it not for her thankfully thick gloves. "Sorry?"

"You were thinking terribly hard about something. Was it the gulping plimpy infestation? I think Professor Sprout ought to invest in growing some gurdyroot. Though, it does bring the gnomes around…"

"No," Ginny shook her head. "I was just… I'm sorry, hold on, is that gurdyroot dust you spread around our garden years back the reason we have gnomes?"

Luna considered it. "Oh, very possibly."

"Don't tell my mum that, she'll burn you at the bloody stake," Ginny snorted, then seemed to sombre up. "No, I was thinking that, well, you were always there for me, you know? And when you needed me, I just…" She shook her head with a grimace. "Shocked you're talking to me at all, really. Don't think I'd be that nice in your shoes."

Luna looked up at Ginny and let the strange thought get some weight and pull her head to the side. "Well, you said you were being stupid, right?"

Ginny nodded earnestly. "Thick, too. Dumbest thing I've ever done."

"And you're finished with that?"

"'Course I am. I'm here, aren't I?"

Luna smiled and got back to work. "Well, there you go."

Ginny put the flower she was working on down entirely. "What do you mean, there you go?"

"Just that."

She didn't seem to accept that answer, because she wouldn't be Ginny if she wasn't a bit stubborn, and so took off her glove to put a hand on Luna's arm. "I just mean… It had to have hurt, right? Me just ignoring you like that?"

Luna nodded. "You're my best friend. Of course it hurt."

"And you just forgive me like that?" She looked confused, which Luna couldn't help but think was dreadfully silly in a very Ginny way.

"Just because it did hurt, doesn't mean I have to keep letting it. I wanted my best friend back. Now I have her." Luna gave a sunny sort of long-suffering smile. "It's the simplest thing in the world, really."

After a moment, Ginny leaned back and gave Luna a look she didn't quite know how to decipher. "Well when you put it like that, I suppose it is."





"I can't believe this."

"You can't believe all sorts of things. That doesn't mean they're not real."

"No, I can't believe you."

"But you can see me."

"Luna, we are in black robes sneaking around outside with snow on the ground in the middle of the night. Getting seen is part of the problem!"

"It sounds like you believe it."

"Luna!"

Frankly, she thought Ginny was being ridiculous. It wasn't like they were going to get caught. It was midnight, after all, and even the professors had to sleep. Mrs Norris kept odd hours, true, but she never looked around outside, and she could be bribed with tuna and forehead scritches and stories about what the nargles got up to.

"I can't feel my toes, you know."

"It must be much colder where you're walking, because you've got thick socks on and a very good warming charm."

"And what about that murderer, huh? What if he finds us?"

"He won't."

"And how do you know that?"

"I just do." And she did, too. The night didn't have that kind of weight to it, though there was barely anyone who'd believe her if she said so. The only thing she was really worried about was that too-thin-looking black dog that Crookshanks had introduced her to, and who she'd fed a few times, but that was more worried for than about. Luna really did hope he was doing alright. Winter could be hard, even when you had enough to eat.

"Why are we even out here?" Ginny asked as they hurriedly marched out towards the Forbidden Forest, because as much as she did enjoy complaining, she had to run out of complaints eventually.

"Why don't you ever ask that before I drag you somewhere?"

That seemed to knock Ginny off-balance enough that her pace stalled for a moment. "Guess it's 'cause I trust you," she finally answered.

The thought laid a warm little dracosilph egg in Luna's heart and pushed a very nice feeling smile across her face. "I trust you too, Ginny."

"So?" Ginny prodded.

"So," Luna responded, because it was a very nice-sounding word. A good way to start a sentence, too. All soft edges worn long and smooth by the expectation of what came after it.

"So, why are we out here?"

"To finish the flower crowns, of course. And maybe deliver one of them." They crossed the threshold into the forest proper, the half-light from the snow dimming significantly. "The moonglow lily grows in the winter and glows at night. I thought it might be a nice addition."

Ginny stopped the seemingly-important self-assigned task of giving every tree a suspicious look to switch to the probably-also-as-important task of looking at Luna as if she'd said something confusing. It must have been important, at least, since everyone made such a job of it. "Crowns? As in, multiple?"

"Oh, almost certainly, yes," Luna hummed.

"Thought we were just making one for your sad dementor."

"I'm not sure if it's sad, I just know it's important." She considered that for a moment. "Though I suppose being sad is important, so maybe it must be."

Ginny rolled her eyes and returned to her suspicious glares. "So who are the other ones for?"

"I'm not sure yet," Luna answered honestly. "The dementor wasn't familiar because of itself, I don't think. It just reminded me of someone else I know."

"So that's who the other one's for," Ginny surmised. "Do I get to know who this mystery dementor-person is? They sound like a laugh."

"I'll tell you once I figure it out."

"Chock full of wisdom, you are."

"I like to think so."

It didn't take long before they found a patch of pale white flowers which glowed faintly. The light bounced off the snow all around, making the whole patch glow as bright as day. They stopped just to look at it for a moment, and Luna couldn't help but grin at the awed look on Ginny's face.

"Alright, I'll give this one to you," she finally decided. "This was worth waking up for. And the cold."

"And the risk of getting caught," Luna supplied.

"That too, yeah."

Without further ado, Luna gathered up a bundle, sat down, placed her basket of already-picked flowers between her and Ginny, and started weaving together a crown. The whole patch seemed to be humming as she did. Flowers were meant to grab attention, after all, and there was very little they seemed to like more than knowing they'd be made into decoration.

They wove in silence for a while, Luna delighting that Ginny still remembered from when she'd taught her how, until Ginny couldn't help but break what she no doubt heard as silence. Ginny wasn't very good at silence though, at least not when she wasn't thinking, so it wasn't a great surprise, and certainly not a burden.

"Any idea why Sprout doesn't grow these?"

"Most people don't think they're very useful," Luna replied easily. "I can't think of any potions that use them, but this is use enough for keeping, don't you think so?"

Ginny nodded absently. "Shocked you brought me instead of Hermione. Not her type of thing?" It was asked easily enough, but there was a sharp edge of something underneath her voice that Luna didn't know how to place.

"She would probably make it her type of thing if I asked her to, but she's so busy I wouldn't want to disturb her." It was easy to say and true as anything, so Luna said it.

"Great girlfriend she's turning out to be," Ginny grumbled, and Luna couldn't help but wonder if that was the strange edge.

"Do you think she's my girlfriend?"

Ginny stopped what she was doing, then Luna did too, because it seemed like a question that deserved attention. "I mean, you took her to your visit with the merfolk, and you're always off somewhere spending time with her even though she's always with Ron, and I know for a fact he thinks you're mad."

"You think I'm mad, too," Luna pointed out.

She flustered. "Yeah, but in a good way."

"And Hermione agrees with you."

Ginny rolled her eyes at that. "Bet she would. Point being, whenever I see you two, you're always hugging her, or kissing her cheek, or holding her hand, or whatever."

"We hug and hold hands all the time."

"That's different," Ginny insisted.

"How so?" She searched for an answer for that for a second before getting frustrated and channelling it into her flower crown.

"It just is." Luna accepted that as it was, and figured that Ginny probably had a point, even if she didn't know what it was. After thinking about it for a few moments, Luna made a concession.

"I think I'd like to be her girlfriend," she admitted.

Ginny's very aggressive weaving softened. "Even though she's too busy to spend time with you?"

"Hermione's got an important test of everything she's learned coming up. She needs to prepare for it. She still tries to include me, though, which is nice." Finally, something clicked in Luna's head, as things tended to do, and she gave Ginny a warm look. "Even if she did have the time, I'd still want to do this with you."

"Really?" Ginny asked.

"You're my best friend, Ginny," she said. "Just because I get along with other people doesn't mean I stop getting along with you. That would just be silly."

Ginny looked away. "Yeah, guess it would be." She said the words, but Luna could tell she didn't actually agree.

"I'll tell you something I won't tell her, if you want." At Ginny's surprised and eager and probably a few other things nod, she continued. "Back before I came to Hogwarts, Daddy and I would always spend all night every New Year's Eve picking moonglow lilies to put in our hair and dance around with. When we got too tired, we'd go inside to sit by the fire and he'd tell me stories about the seasons. He'd talk about all of them, but winter was always my favourite. Everything dies in winter, or it goes to sleep, and that's why it's the end of the year. It's a bit sad to look back and see that the year's ending, but it's a bit happy too, because we always look forward to the beginning of the next one.

"Which is why winter is at the start of every year. It's a reminder. You can't have a new beginning without the end of something old. And dementors are Death spirits. They'd know that better than anyone. That's why I wanted to make sure to put moonglow lilies in the flower crown, so they can see that something beautiful could be like them. Maybe then they'd feel less lonely."

Luna finished her crown along with her story and placed it on her head. Ginny followed suit not long after.

"That's a lot of thought for something so foul," she finally said.

"Maybe," Luna allowed, "but someone's got to think it." Satisfied with their work, she stood with a flourish. "Now, I think we ought to find it and give it our present. Come on."

She wasted no time at all in taking a suddenly much-warier Ginny's hand and leading her out within view of the wardline. Even if she couldn't feel magic like she could her own thoughts, it wouldn't have been difficult to find it. It was as if a line was carved in the air past which the many dementors guarding Hogwarts were forced to metaphorically pace. The cold got more biting even just seeing them, and Ginny's grip got even tighter, but they forged on regardless.

Tattered cloak after tattered cloak passed by, and Luna examined and dismissed each in turn. Finally, though, after nearly an hour of walking, they saw it: a dementor more terrible and foul than the rest. Its cloak had been worn neat by time, and its skin had begun to look merely grey, almost as if it could be mistaken for something living. Its features no longer sagged or thinned like they once had, and its bones no longer protruded quite so sharply. It was disgusting to look upon; rotten and decayed from its once-malformed visage.

The brash girl shuddered and removed the sentimental wreath of dead plants from her head, and the one whose memories tasted of the most curious things produced her focus and spoke a witch-spell into being. The wreath floated into the air, across the accursed barrier, and onto the head of the wretch they sought.

It felt something, to its disgust. Some lingering tinge of sentimental corruption borne of an eternity of supping on humanity. It shuddered to know that the day approached where such sentiment might be its norm, and for once wished that its knowledge of things to be might fail it in the face of the horrific fate that approached.

But fate marched closer regardless, and the wretched thing had grown too damnably human to prefer an ending over a change.

The girls made their humour noises filled with some strange mix of blessed-cursed emotions the monstrosity couldn't place amongst the maelstrom of its own, save for pride. It had supped on so much pride in its days feasting on humanity's most wretched; identifying it was simple. The girls moved their mouths and said their sound-words at each other and at the target of their accursed charity before giving the demon a wave and finally leaving. Its instinct was to reach out and strangle them tightly to itself, but it was stopped. Not just by the old magics haunting the grounds, but by the knowledge that someday soon it would be the sort of thing which would regret it. Could regret it. So, they walked away and took their human emotions with them, leaving their victim with none but its own to contend with.

They went away from the wretch and the kin it would soon seek to abandon—the kin who would bring its end if they knew how it felt, or even that it felt at all. But not just away, they walked towards, too. Towards warmth, towards their own kin, and towards their castle. Most importantly, though, most obviously and critically and a thousand thousand other ugly human words for the human concept of importance it shouldn't be feeling outside of the memories it harvested:

They walked, inevitably, towards you.
 
Last edited:
...Huh.

At first, I was just going to comment on how neat of a narrative device it was that, whenever the Dementor was 'on-screen', the interlude's POV shifted. Just partially when Luna first saw it, where the narration became outright spiteful and insulting towards her, and then at the end where they were giving over the crown it fully shifted over.

Fun stuff, very vaguely ominous and all... but hold on a minute.

Haven't we heard that tone of voice before?
Silly, foolish, stubborn girl. Don't you know? Haven't you figured it out yet? Of course not. The books never talk about this part. Nobody ever tells you that your lot is to rot, and wither, and decay. The sunrise eventually sets, the lively spring eventually gives way to cruel and unforgiving winter. It is the nature of things. It is inevitable.

So of course it hurts, idiot child. Escaping the inescapable always does.

Memory I - Family Values
You're going to be different, after. You've always felt like an other, looking in from the outside. At least until those boys found you. It was as if there was some cosmic joke you were never in on, people judging you for it all the while. Because you were different. Better, some might say.

It's only going to get worse from here.

You'll be an outsider, unable to turn to anyone, even those who claim to care. Sometimes you'll wonder if you're even human. You'll be something more after the change. Something less. Certainly, you're going to be something else.

No going back now. One wonders if it will be worth the price. Perhaps you should have considered that before, hm?

Memory II - Something Other
You know the pain of learning, yes, but you discovered that early. It's an afterthought now. A worthy price for a worthy reward. The satisfaction of curiosity—how very human.

But knowing? It's a burden all its own. One that you've barely scratched the surface of. Sometimes the weight is simple, making reminders hurt. Sometimes it's a force of change, splitting a life into befores and afters.

But the most terrible sort of knowledge is that which can be used. For the rest of your life, you will ask yourself not a question of 'can', but of 'should'. It eats away at the soul of even the strongest, and you're starting to learn that too.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Memory III - Knowing Pains
You're a chaotic being by nature. Foolish belief defines you. It's only by defying your nature and binding yourself with rules and codes and Order that you determine some mythical 'right'. But what do you do when these codes fail, when the Chaos that makes you rejects the Order you've so foolishly imposed?

When your rules call for inaction and your nature calls for the opposite, you suffer for thinking you can deny the animal that you are.

It's a strange game you humans play.

Memory IV - Better Good Than Right
It's phenomenal. Each of you is so wrapped up in your own petty problems and solutions and triumphs and losses that none of you ever stop to see each other. It's… delicious. War will come and go over and over forever because you are all so bloated and full of yourselves, and you can still never get enough.

Everyone is right, you see, and everyone knows it.

Sickening, don't you think?

Memory V - Certainty's Puppet
You would think that a species so defined by its endings would be good at them, but none of you are. You cling to dying embers for the last hint of warmth even as they burn you. It's almost as if you don't realise that endings are what you are and what you do. Even as you infect others with your sentiment, you value this tenacity above all things, even as it brings you nothing but suffering. Maybe a reframing will be the thing to finally get through your thick skull.

Don't think of this as an ending. Instead, consider it a change. Change is perhaps even more human than endings. Of course, change always hurts, you've figured that out by now, but isn't it preferable to an inarguable end? There's no point in petty defiance. Not anymore. Embrace it, and watch as you're reborn anew.

Memory VI - A Lunatic's Farewell

And there's certainly been some focus on the whole 'memory' aspect of Dementors, most explicitly with the second-to-last sentence in this interlude and the memory-books that Hermione saw during her vision. Given what these interludes are titled... well, we started getting these right before the Dementor was introduced, and it's explicitly had opportunity to have met all of the Memories' subjects:

Narcissa - mentioned in her interlude that it was nearly time for her annual visit to Bellatrix;
Lupin - was in the train compartment when this Dementor first caught sight of Hermione and drove it off;
Ron - was also there, obviously, but there's been plenty of other opportunities throughout the schoolyear, most poignantly just recently when Hermione realized what she'd have to fuse with;
Tonks - is the one I'm least certain of, since it wasn't mentioned anywhere I could find, but she did say that she'd be stationed in the Dementor-ridden Hogsmeade for the next few weeks, plenty of opportunity there;
Fudge - mentioned that he'd had to speak with the Dementors' 'leader' before his meeting with Dumbledore, and would need to do it again afterwards;
Luna - ...well, uh, that's kind of the whole point of the interlude we just read, innit?


My theory now is that we've been getting sneak-peeks of the negotiations Hermione'll undergo before the fusion ritual. The preamble before each Memory nearly for certain, though the Memories themselves being part of it I'm a bit more shaky on - maybe the Dementor's sharing them with her to prove some kind of point, or to unbalance her with a deluge of information she can't help but be curious about, or given the atemporality the Dementors have got going on they're something that the Dementor-Hermione fusion will be taking closer looks at afterwards?

Regardless, this was a really neat moment of things suddenly making a lot more sense in hindsight; kudos to eM15 for setting it all up so well.
 
22 - Hermione
I felt awful for what I was doing, what I'd no doubt be putting myself and Healer Jameson and my professors and my friends and parents through, but I didn't have a choice. Not a real one. I dropped the bracelets into the snow beside me, where they landed with a weighty thud and left me feeling all the heavier for it. Seven hours left of life as I knew it, and I hadn't a second to spare.

There was no going back now.



Hermione


The Forbidden Forest was just as foreboding as its name implied, made worse by the fact that I was alone, and made even worse than that by the thought that I might not be. The light from my hairpin bounced off of the snow, casting everything in an eerily soft light that did absolutely nothing to calm me down. Every tiny sound from around me forced me to remind myself that forests were defined by the things living in them. It was silence that I ought to be scared of; dementors didn't make a sound.

That thought didn't help. For every dementor, there were a thousand things in the forest that I knew for a fact would be happy to make a snack out of an all but defenceless witch. There were acromantula and (justifiably) territorial centaurs, and I was reasonably sure that a coven of hags lived somewhere in the depths, and a forest forbidden to anyone but a select capable few really would make a perfect hiding spot for a demented murderer, wouldn't it?

I had Harry's cloak—Death's Cloak—but that did very little to cover for my raging elephant impression. I'd trained my feet to be quiet in empty, echoing hallways, not in snow-covered thickets with scattered twigs and roots that I was reasonably sure moved on their own for no better reason than to trip me and send me face-first into the cold snow.

And it was bitterly cold. Each little gust of wind seemed to cut straight through all my cloaks and bite against my skin, sapping away what little heat I'd managed and leaving me shivering. It wasn't helped by each fall leaving my clothes just a little wetter. I produced my wand and tried to cast a drying charm for myself, but the anaemic spell I finally managed on the ninth attempt did depressingly little. It gave me something to focus on at least, because I knew the cold was far from the only thing I had to worry about; it was just the easiest.

Truth was, I'd have been shaking in my boots even in the middle of summer. I was absolutely terrified. Not just of the forest and the things living in it—though that thought wasn't helping—but of what I'd come to do. No surprise there. I was about to sell my soul to a demon. Who wouldn't be scared? I was a Gryffindor though, and that meant bravery. Bravery wasn't just not being scared of things like so many people thought, it was being so terrified that you could barely move and deciding to take the next step anyway. And so I did. One step at a time, when every single step forward was harder than the last, and each was already the most difficult thing I'd ever done. It was harder than any exam, and harder than getting out of bed on my bad days, and even harder than lying to my parents about who I was and about to be. I kept thinking there'd be some sort of limit to the fear, and I kept being wrong.

It was made worse by the fact that I didn't have a real goal in mind. Not anything concrete. Nothing I could reach out and take hold of like casting a spell or studying for a test. I was looking for something deep enough in the forest that I wouldn't be caught out in the hours I needed to work, and I needed a clearing wide enough to work in. It was a loose enough goal that I felt with every step like I was wandering aimlessly to my death.

Eventually, I chose to shift my focus to try to make it easier. I wondered what Harry and Ron were doing. Were they celebrating the new year, or were they sitting by the fire in the common room worrying? Had they managed to have a good Christmas? I only hoped I hadn't ruined the holidays for them with my dying. Sure, I was entitled to be worried about my own death, but in hindsight, had I really needed to take it out on them as much as I did? I hadn't taken it out on Luna, though I suspected that was only because she happened to be good at managing my moods. They deserved better than that. If I was still alive at the end of the night, and if I was still the type of person who would care, then I'd need to make it up to them. I'd need to make it up to my parents, too.

I couldn't help but focus on the fact that even if I lived through all this, I was going to be changing. It wouldn't be the normal sort of change like growing up was, but like the one the Diary had brought about. Deliberate change. The type of change you couldn't come back from. Gyffes Blaec had made the sort of change that I was about to, and the Black family was still regarded as mad even centuries later. The merfolk had a completely separate culture, and the centaurs looked on humans with scorn. I couldn't help but wonder if that would be me. Maybe I'd look at humanity and see something so irreconcilably strange that I'd view it as alien as I did the dementors now. Maybe it would hurt to remember the person I was, or maybe I'd look back and wonder why I'd ever been afraid at all. That thought was probably naive. Dementors didn't much seem to care for pleasant things.

Whatever the case, it was the end of the line for Hermione Granger as I knew her. She'd lived a good life, though she'd maybe have liked to have learned a bit more about the world before she went.

The snap of a branch saw me snap to attention and dart behind the nearest tree. It took several seconds to calm my breathing enough to hear the culprit. Footsteps. Lots of footsteps, and they were coming closer. My heart thudded faster and faster as they approached, warming me up and leaving me shivering more with each passing step. The way the snow crunched made it sound as if each step were far heavier than a human's. I cursed myself for not studying more thoroughly for Care of Magical Creatures. Maybe then I'd know what was coming. As it was, I shivered in ignorance, and the creatures came closer and ever closer.

I closed my eyes as the group came just to the other side of the tree, and began to silently pray to anyone that cared to listen as one of the unknown figures split off to investigate. I stopped breathing entirely, but my heart just thudded harder than ever. The thing took its time, giving me the opportunity to weigh the merits of running versus staying. It sounded as if it had four legs, so it could likely outrun me, but would it? Did it have any method of seeing me through the cloak? It would hear me if I moved, so maybe if I just stayed still…

The thing rounded the tree and I felt its hot breath on my hand before it bumped into me and reeled back with a whinny. I opened my eyes in shock at the sound.

It reminded me of a horse, though distinctly reptilian. It had pitch-black, leathery skin drawn tight against its bones, milky-white eyes, a long fleshy tail, a beak, and oversized bat-like wings it kept folded up against its body. It was small, though. A foal. A thestral foal, if I wasn't mistaken. The little thestral recovered from its shock at about the same time I did and immediately began nosing around me. I let out a relieved, shaky little laugh and pulled down the hood of my cloak to answer its unspoken question. It nickered as soon as it saw me and bumped its head into my middle.

"No food for thestrals this time," I said, because I was pretty sure this was the same one that had almost bowled me over when I'd visited the herd with Luna. It was a pushy little thing. I did reveal my hands and stroke along its neck though, as much to soothe me as to appease it. It helped. Not as much as pampering Crookshanks did, but I couldn't deny being just a bit less shaky.

An adult came by to investigate the disturbance, and then another, and in a few moments, I was surrounded by what must have been the whole herd. They seemed to have remembered me because I was barely allowed to move from my spot until I'd presented my empty hands to each of them and given several a few pats along the neck. They were very affectionate death omens. A mix of cripplingly strong emotions I didn't know how to unpack rushed through me at the thought, and I only realised I was crying once the tears froze to my face.

Seemed like in processing my own death, I'd managed to understand the concept well enough to finally see thestrals. I'd finally 'seen' death for what it was. It wasn't exactly a cheery thought.

It didn't take long for them to get bored of me once they realised that I had nothing to offer, so they slowly wandered off, meandering into the depths of the forest. An odd sort of smile painted itself across my face as I watched them go. All I could think was that I couldn't wait to tell Luna all about the experience. I could only hope that I'd be able to hold that thought through to the sort of thing I was about to become.

Still, the experience had washed over and past me, giving me something like a mental reset. A reprieve in the dark. I was still cold, and I was still terrified, but I felt like I could handle it. I'd pet some curious animals that knew me, and I had a story to tell my girlfriend, and those things combined broke me out of my self-destructive spiral well enough to realise that the thestrals had found me in a clearing just big enough to make my ritual circle.

An unexpected jolt of something like excitement shot through me and I couldn't help but wonder how many other clearings just like this one I'd passed by while I was lost in depressive thought. Now, though, now I had something concrete to do. Something I'd planned for. As absolutely abjectly terrified as I was, I truly did love magic, and my mood brightened surprisingly easily at the thought of throwing myself into finally executing the ritual I'd been preparing for ever since I'd first stepped into Black Manor all those months ago.

Truth was, I was more than a little proud of myself. Whether that was bravery or stupidity or some sort of arrogance taught to me by the Diary, I didn't know, but I was proud. The ritual that Corvus Blaec had outlined was half speculation, and what concrete details did exist were so specifically tuned towards his father and the boggart he bonded with that I'd needed to almost reinvent the wheel in order to get something that I thought might work. It had taken nearly a month and a half of constant work, surreptitious questions to Babbling, often unhelpful trips to the library, and guilty recollections of the Diary's lessons, but I'd done it. My grades had suffered. My friendships had suffered. Even my sanity had suffered, if I was being honest, and Thaumeal Inversion meant that I wasn't exactly flush with it to begin with.

As I set my bag down in the snow, I couldn't help but think that it was worth it, because if I was very lucky and proved to be very clever, then I might just live long enough to get old, and be Minister of Magic, and be forced to learn from Voldemort, and help Harry survive what was coming, and maybe even fall in love for real someday if that was something half-dementors knew how to do. Not all of that was good, of course, but neither was all of life, and I was going to live it or die trying.

I checked my watch. Five and a half hours to go.

The first thing I produced from my bag was my spellbinder, and I opened it up to the first page, stood in the centre of the clearing, placed my hand on the parchment, and incanted, "Gelu Expellus."

Slowly, progressively, then all at once, the snow in the clearing lifted into the air and piled itself up in a formidable wall bridging the trees and surrounding me on all sides. The light grew a mite less eerie, bouncing off the sheer white sides of the clearing instead of the ground. I allowed myself a proud little smile before flipping over to the section in which I'd detailed the ritual at hand. With a tap of my wand, the many sheets of enchanted parchment removed themselves from the binder and arranged themselves in the air, floating where I could reference them with ease. Luna had been the one to find that spell for me. It was a bit too much effort to do normally with my limitations, but a handy floating reference would no doubt be a godsend with the intricate work I had ahead of me.

That done, I set my spellbinder back in my bag and removed the many tools I'd prepared in advance: stakes attached to string measured out to make circles of the right size, narrow poles I'd transfigured to the right length to press into the ground, wooden stamps of the runes I'd be needing, a flat plane with a handle to smooth out the ground after I was done, and more. It wasn't a simple thing I was doing, and the slightest imprecision could have drastic consequences that I didn't care to think about. Every tiny segment had seen the ruthless application of arithmancy and every reference I could find to make absolutely sure that it would perform the function it needed and no other.

Somehow, I doubted that a dementor would be so nice as to spit me back out like Hogwarts had.

The ground had been softened by my earlier spell, so it wasn't too hard to begin to carve into the once-frozen dirt. First came the circle in the centre, then two more of equal size some distance away on opposite sides of it. A six-sided star was carved into the ground around the central circle, and the points curved around to meet the edges of the outer circles and segment them into thirds. Both of the outer circles were filled with a complicated spiral that spread out to meet each intersecting point of the star. The centre circle was filled with something similar, though spinning the opposite way.

Then came the many, many runes. Each point of the star was assigned two complementary Powers that it would syphon, kept together to keep them from overwhelming the other. Dementors may barely be attuned to Legacy, Life, or Chaos, but if I didn't take what little of the aspects my dementor would have, then I would only ever be able to contribute half of myself as well, which was just untenable.

It had been delicate work to find the right balance. Even beyond the differences between Dark and Light, each Power demanded a different wording and approach to their runes, which had taken me no small amount of time and discussions with Babbling to get right. Chaos in particular had been something of a struggle for me. Being human, I was more attuned to Chaos than not, but the heartfelt passionate pleas it demanded weren't exactly my sort of thing.

About as I finished that section, an unnatural chill fell over the clearing. I looked around to find a dementor in ragged robes floating just above the snow pile, staring at me. Swallowing nervously, I pulled the hood of Death's Cloak back over my head and watched it. After several long moments, a strange feeling terrifyingly like acceptance washed over me and the dementor turned around and floated away.

I got the strange sense that I wasn't so much hiding from it with the cloak as I was portraying myself… not as a friend, because even familiar dementors would happily rip each other to shreds at the slightest provocation, but as an equal. I took the hint and kept the hood up after that.

With the cramped runes governing the syphon itself done, I turned my attention to the more complicated part: combining two thaumic centres in such a way as to be a complete fusion. In spiralling runes, I told the story of two becoming one. I begged and pleaded to the Powers that the fusion be long-lasting and stable, and prayed for a being comprehensible to its kin; both human and not. Finally, I wrote the story of an invitation and of the spell coming into being once a deal was struck in a wide circle around the sigils. I took my wand and triple-checked each and every line, using it to physically smooth and erase where necessary. Realistically I could have used a stick, but using my focus felt properly metaphorically right, and that sort of thing mattered rather a lot with ritual magic. With that done, I made sure to smooth out every little footstep in the ritual space before returning to my spellbinder.

"Pulvis Lapis," I incanted, freezing the dirt back into place and burning out yet another spell I'd prepared. Then, I removed the ink I'd concocted for the ritual, dipped my wand into it, and carefully spread it into every tiny groove I'd carved in the ground. It would be the actual conduit for the magic. 'Meticulous' wasn't a strong enough word to describe my thoroughness with the ink. Anything less than my best was unacceptable.

I checked, double-checked, triple-checked, and even prayed to the Powers for the first time for good measure. By the time I'd finished and my razor-sharp focus had abandoned me, I realised just how much my body was complaining. A check of my watch showed that I had almost thirty minutes until the new year. Not enough time to properly relax, even if it wasn't bitingly cold. Though… maybe there was time for a picnic.

I pulled Luna's picnic blanket from my bag and spread it out over the ritual circle, then produced the softly glowing crystal I'd found in Black Manor. It still radiated an innocent sort of happiness and warmed me up enough that I hesitated to place it down on the dementor's syphon-circle for a moment. I did it though, flexing the same willpower that had pushed every step of the night so far; the same willpower that I'd been practising ever since I learned the way I was set to die. Looking over everything once more, I sat down on my own syphon-circle with a bag of jerky and a thermos of hot chocolate enchanted to stay warm. I took a drink to get the shakes out of my voice, closed my eyes, and reached out to feel the magic around me. Maybe I was imagining things, but I got the distinct sense that the world seemed to be sitting still in anticipation. Even the sounds of wildlife seemed to be absent.

The world was holding its breath.

"To you, spirit of Death, who has followed me so, I come bearing gifts. I invite you to talk so that we might learn from each other, and so that two may become one." I spoke into the night air, my words almost swallowed by the snow, and waited. I didn't just wait though, because how else would you start a talk between equals than by inviting them to a meal? So, I tore into my cold jerky and blessedly hot chocolate gladly, keeping a nervous eye on my watch all the while.

Five minutes passed, then ten, then twenty, and I grew more and more nervous with every second. Maybe, I thought, I'd misinterpreted my vision, or maybe the dementor I'd been seeing over and over again had simply seen that I was dying and thought to keep an eye on the upcoming snack. Maybe the crystal of emotion wasn't enough to entice a dementor at all. Maybe I'd done something wrong with the ritual, and the words I'd all but copied from Corvus Blaec's notes simply didn't fit for a proper summoning.

Maybe I was an idiot, and I was about to die after all.

I said the words again and again, once every few minutes, careful to keep my tone even and clear. The magic certainly felt like it had activated, and the runes on the edge were glowing dark with their unlight, so what was the delay?

At seven minutes until the new year, I spotted a shadow over the walls of snow and turned my attention to it nearly instantly. My heart thudded in my chest before I realised it was a large, black dog watching me curiously. Seems like I'd found Harry's Grim. I let out a sad little laugh as I realised the death omen seemed to be watching me, before suddenly its attention caught on something behind me and it darted off into the night with its tail between its legs.

The temperature dropped a few degrees almost instantly. I couldn't help but think the feeling familiar, though it struck me as a bit ironic that even the death omen was scared of the death spirit. I could only wonder what that said about me.

Its gaze was almost a physical thing, as sensitive to magic as I was then. It was a weight around my shoulders and a promise of something terrible. I squared my jaw and focused on where I was to keep any unwanted memories from overtaking me. After far, far too long—four minutes 'till—the presence floated over and in front of me, settling down in its place.

I seemed to detach from myself, looking upon my dementor, on the other half that wasn't yet. Its black robes were clean and neat, trimmed to a fit that would make any seamstress proud. Its hands were the only skin I could see, but they didn't look grey and mottled like I expected, instead a delicate pale. Even its mannerisms were strangely human, as it picked up the crystal before it and seemed to almost breathe in like one would a fine wine, draining it of all colour as it did so. It held its head back as if in appreciation before it slowly brought its hands to the edge of its hood and pulled it down.

Then it looked at me, or rather it didn't, because its face was almost human save for the black pits where its eyes should have been. I could have gotten lost in those pits; not like how I could lose myself in Luna's eyes when she looked up at me just so, but like when I was up too late and thinking too hard and lost myself looking down from the top of the Astronomy tower. It gestured at me then, almost leadingly, and I realised my hood was still up. Slowly, carefully, I pulled it back. Gently, as if scared of startling the thing in front of me. We stared at each other for a while, for far too long, until the ticking of my watch rang louder than the frantic thud of my heart.

"I-I've…" My voice was shaky, and I took a deep breath to try and settle myself in vain. "I want to make a deal."

The dementor nodded slowly, as if it wasn't sure how, opened its mouth, and—





The rain pounded against the windows, but the blinds were kept carefully open. Mum always made sure of it. She'd always said that rainy days were the best for reading. She liked the ambience. Dad though, he disagreed. He thought that the best way to enjoy a book was to set up in the hammock we kept in the yard with the sun streaming down and with me in his lap. It meant that on days like this, he'd always find something else for us to do. There was always something to learn after all, and Dad loved to say that sometimes the best way to learn was by doing.

On that particular rainy day, I'd been trying to pull Mum away from her paperwork for the dental practice when Dad scooped me up and declared that there was science to be done. He saw me into my little lab coat and too-big goggles before ushering me down into the kitchen.

"What are we gonna make?" I asked, just barely not squeaking from excitement.

He pulled down a big bowl and a bright yellow box of something from the cabinets. "Well, Doctor Granger, today we are going to be making oobleck!"

"Like from Doctor Seuss?"

"Just so!" Dad answered me with a broad smile that I mirrored immediately. "And later we're going to be working on necromancy because your Mum's gonna kill me with the mess we're about to make."

I giggled. "That's not real, Daddy."

He lifted me up to sit on the counter with a laugh as he began filling the bowl with water. "Necromancy might not be, but oobleck most certainly is. It's the coolest little thing. First off, we take our bowl of water here, see? Then we measure out the cornstarch." Dad handed me a measuring cup and the box. "Go on, fill it up."

I did so, taking extra care to fill the cup up exactly without any overflow. Dad placed the bowl down next to me and nodded for me to pour the cornstarch in. That done, he handed me some plastic gloves to put on.

"Now," he said, "this is the really cool part. You see, some clever bloke dreamt this up. It's called a non-newtonian fluid."

"Non-newtonian fluid?" I echoed.

Dad nodded encouragingly. "It means that it's a fluid that doesn't act like all the other clever things that Newton dreamt up. Now, go ahead and stick your hands in there and mix it up, nice and even. Don't be afraid of it. You see, if we're very careful and very clever here…"

Dad's voice changed with those last words, drying out and gaining an echo that seemed to reverberate around the room. I looked up to see that his eyes had disappeared entirely, leaving deep black pits in their place.

"...then we can take two entirely different things and make something new. Are you ready?"

The dissonance startled me back into awareness. This was a memory from when I was five, maybe six, only… borrowed. The books had mentioned that the way the dementors communicated was strange, even unsettling, and I certainly didn't recall my dad's face like that. Though now I considered it, I couldn't remember his face in this memory as being any other way. Not borrowed, then. Corrupted. My vision in Hogswatch came to mind. Hadn't it been of a library, with memories stored in books in place of words? If that was so, then we were writing over the pages, passing notes to each other

"This is how you communicate," I mused out loud, still with six-year-old Hermione's voice. The world around us seemed to buzz at the divergence, but I ignored it. "Or how you try, at least. We must just be too different, so you're bridging the gap with my memories." I laughed an open, honest, childish laugh. "If the circumstances were any different, I'd have loved to study you."

Dad's face contorted into a sneer, and with that dissonance, the memory broke.





"What are those bags for, Grand-maman?"

I was sat by the side of Grand-mère Granger's reclining bed that I wasn't allowed to play with the controls of, and that only because she wasn't allowed to have me sitting in bed with her anymore. She gave me a warm smile like she always reserved for me and none of my other cousins because I was her favourite. They didn't like her very much because they thought she was too stern and because she never ever went to play outside. They were wrong though, because when I curled up next to her and asked her to teach me something, her face would light up every time.

Sometimes she'd teach me to speak French 'properly' like she said Mum neglected to, and sometimes she'd tell me stories about the things she'd seen or done. No matter what she chose to teach me, I loved it every time.

"Those bags," Grand-maman finally said after considering her words like always, "are full of proof."

"Proof?" I asked, ever curious.

"Proof," she confirmed. "Getting old is troublesome business; not for the young or the faint of heart. My blood isn't good enough anymore, so the doctors put all sorts of things in those bags to keep me going."

I thought about that for a moment. "That must be hard."

"It most certainly is." Grand-maman sat up a bit to slowly lean over to me as if she was letting me in on some great secret. "But just between you and me, ma petite-fille? That's not the hardest part."

"What is?" I whispered, because I always got caught up in the idea of knowing something forbidden.

Then the eyes were gone, and Grand-maman's voice changed, and I was no longer Hermione the little girl, but Hermione the dying witch.

"I've got too much time to think," said my grand-mère and my dementor. "I've run out of surprises. I know too much. I always hated surprises before, but now there's only one thing left that can shock me, and I'm a bit too much myself to not have already decided the where and when on my own. But enough of that."

Slowly, she produced an all-too-familiar book of poetry for the very last time and flipped it open before turning to stare her hollow sockets straight into my eyes.

"Are you ready?"





"I'm scared," I all but cried. "I don't want to go!"

The titanic structure of the Ferris wheel loomed over me, and I was not having it. Craning my neck wasn't enough to see to the top. I almost had to lie down. Frankly, I wasn't quite sure how it was they kept the air in the compartments, because the very top of the thing must have been in outer space, and there wasn't any air in outer space! I'd read all about it! People needed special suits to survive, and I had looked around, and nobody except for the one scary-looking clown seemed to have any special suits at all! We were gonna go up, and we were gonna run out of air, and then we were gonna fall asleep like I had that one time I'd challenged Dad to a breath-holding competition, and Mum was gonna get mad at him like she had then, and what if Mum got so mad that she stormed out again? I didn't want my mummy to leave!

I was crying, and Mum scooped me up into her arms, which made the crying worse because going up was the entire problem, but she hugged me tight and shushed me and wiped the tears from my eyes and snot from my nose.

"Oh, what's wrong sweet thing?" she cooed. "Come on, where's my brave little girl?"

I buried my head in her shoulder and held her neck tight. "I don't want to go."

"Won't you tell me why not?" Mum asked.

"Because if we go up there, then you'll leave again," I mumbled against her shoulder.

Mum's hand staggered for just a second before it went back to stroking my hair. "Of course I won't. Why would I do a thing like that?"

I tried not to babble because Mum didn't like it when I babbled, so I tried to shorten it down like she preferred. "Because it's too high up."

"You're far too clever for your own good sometimes," Mum sighed. "You get so many thoughts running through your little head so quickly that sometimes when you get a silly idea like this, it's hard to convince you that you're wrong, because I have no idea where you even started." She paused for a moment. "Tell you what. I'm not sure what it is that made you think that I'm leaving, but I'm not, and to prove it I'm going to make the most sacred kind of unbreakable oath I can."

Curiosity dried my tears and pulled me out of the crook of Mum's shoulder. "What do you mean?"

Mum looked at me seriously. "I mean that I am going to make you a promise so strong that there's no way of breaking it: a pinkie promise." With her free hand, she coaxed one of mine out so that we could wrap our pinkies together. "I, Emma Lee Granger, solemnly swear that I will never, ever leave my daughter alone to fend for herself. Not even when she's a teenager and wants nothing to do with me."

"I'll never want that."

"Never say never, love," she laughed, before untangling our pinkies and making a cross over her chest. "And if I break my promise, then I cross my heart and hope to die."

My eyes shot wide. "But I don't want you to die!"

"I better keep my promise then, huh? Now, are you still scared of the Ferris wheel?"

I turned around to look at it, and could still barely see the top. "Yeah," I admitted.

"Must be the height, then," Mum concluded, and I nodded, and she kissed the top of my head. "Well, there's no helping that one. The question is, are you going to let a teeny little fear stop you from doing something?"

I thought about it, then looked up, and finally looked back down at Mum. "Maybe?" I said, knowing it was the wrong answer.

Mum quirked a frown at me. "Well alright, but before you make a decision about going up or not, I'm going to tell you a secret." She looked around to check for anyone listening, before returning to look on Hermione the witch with hollowed eyes.

"The truth is, I'm scared too, but if we stopped doing things just because they scared us, human history would never have happened. It's the most important lesson anyone can learn: Get scared, then do it anyway. I'm not going to let a little fear stop me, and you shouldn't either. So, are you ready?"





"I'm still not sure," I admitted.

"Perhaps a wise answer," Professor McGonagall said from her seat on the recliner, looking for all the world like a proper—if oddly dressed—lady perched among the horribly normal cushy comforts of my home. "It is typically best not to rush into things. Would that I could provide a trial run of sorts, but I'm afraid that when it comes to this, it's do or do not."

Dad snorted. "There is no try?"

"Quite," she said, though the reference seemed lost on her.

"I'm not sold on all this either, actually," Mum said, a wary look on her face. "What kind of jobs can a diploma from this Hogwarts place even get? I'm not going to send my daughter to a school—especially a boarding school—that can't promise her a future."

The professor smiled at Mum. "I understand your concern, but I can assure you that the wizarding world is, in fact, like another world entirely, as difficult as that may be to believe. For any career that exists in the muggle world, I've no doubt that I could find a magical equivalent to it. Coming along to Diagon Alley—one of our shopping centres—might ease some of your concerns."

"Mum," I pleaded. "I've always been different. This could be a place for people like me!" A look into my eyes caused her to soften slightly.

"It almost certainly is," the professor said. "Even beyond the magical outbursts, many young witches and wizards raised in the muggle world tend to feel like they're different from their muggle peers, but it is exceedingly rare that they don't find a place for themselves once they've been introduced to magic. The staff at Hogwarts take great care to make sure that no one feels left out or alone, I assure you."

Dad had been sold from the first show of magic, but Mum was the holdout. I gave her my best puppy-dog eyes. "Please?"

She looked between Dad and I before her will finally broke under our combined assault. "What about options? Is this Hogwarts place the only magic school around?"

Professor McGonagall frowned but answered regardless. "No, but it is the best."

"I'll be asking around after the others," Mum said. "I reserve the right to make sure my daughter is getting the best education possible."

"Of course," the professor said fairly, before her eyes went black and the memory was revealed for what it was.

My dementor spoke, and its words-as-memory echoed through my head. "In that case, there's no use in denying the inevitable. If you'll just take my hand, then we can get started on the rest of your life."

I stood and approached, then stopped, staring at the proffered hand. The memory fuzzed, then solidified. I must not have hesitated the first time around. Now I couldn't recall doing anything else. "Will it hurt?" I looked up to try and read something from blackened eye sockets.

"Some discomfort perhaps, but you'll get used to it." The face was blank. Not a flicker of emotion. I reached my hand out, but hesitated again.

This wasn't how it was going to happen. The Diary, the Chamber of Secrets, summer under Mrs Weasley's sickly-sweet care, lying to the people I loved; all the worst things in my life happened when I let myself be dragged along, and I refused to let this, maybe the most important decision of my life, be one more awful thing in a too-long sequence of awful things.

No. In this, for once, I was going to have some agency in my life, even if I had to take it by force.

It was all memories we were going through, and my own memories at that. The Diary had once told me that the fatal flaw of mind magics was that the connection levelled the playing field to a battle of minds, and of all things my mind was far from one of my weaknesses, which meant that if I just remembered, focused, and pushed…





"Not yet!"

I snatched the jar out of Harry's hands, careful not to spill it into the bubbling potion in front of us.

"What? Why not?" Harry asked.

"Because," I explained exasperatedly, like speaking to a small child, "if you put the nettles in too soon, the whole thing will explode in your face, and I am not helping you clean up after that."

Harry looked sheepish, looking everywhere in the newly-named Hogswatch but at me. He must have finally realised the futility of it after a few moments because he let out a resigned sigh and stopped avoiding my eyes. "How do you even remember all this?"

"I pay attention," I said, "and I read. If you don't pay attention to things like this, then you're just going to keep making the same mistake over and over, mark my words."

"It's just… It's hard to keep track of, you know? Especially with Snape breathing down my neck. I never realised how much of my Potions grade was because of you, until you…" He trailed off awkwardly, not sure how to address the elephant in the room. Not that I had any better idea save for the suggestions my now all-too-common fits of pique provided, and I refused to lash out at Harry like I had Malfoy.

"Tell you what," I finally said, and then I managed to remember myself. It took a work of will—on whose part I didn't know—but then there was a tangible shift in the unreality of the memory, and I looked up to see Harry's eyes replaced by empty sockets and his skin going pale. But, hadn't they always been like that?

If I wasn't mistaken, I saw something like anger flash across Harry's face. I wouldn't have caught it if I didn't know Harry's many moods as well as I did. Funny. I didn't think that dementors had emotions of their own. There was every chance that I was projecting, obviously or maybe the way it worked was such that imposing the often moody memory of Harry onto the dementor forced emotions onto it that it wouldn't have otherwise had. Either way, forcing it out of Professor McGonagall's stoic visage and into Harry's much more expressive one could only be a boon.

Oh, I'd have loved to study the phenomenon, but this was a memory, and so I had to make sure to keep playing along. "I'll make you a deal," I finished.

"A deal?" the dementor asked, proving that I was right. There was some wiggle room, but for the most part we had to play along.

I nodded, not hiding the triumphant grin on my face. The memory seemed to go fuzzy at the divergence, but I managed to keep focused enough that it kept going regardless. "Since we're back to spending all our time together again, and neither of us are really used to it anymore, how about we just… ease back into it?

The dementor seemed to realise where I was going because its barely hidden annoyance shifted to Harry's look of honest curiosity.

"Thing is, I love this stuff," I said, gesturing around at the nearly empty room of Hogswatch. "And I know you really don't."

"No arguments there," someone said, and I couldn't tell if it was the memory or the dementor.

"You saved my life and all, and I've saved yours, but we're still sort of different people. You probably don't want to spend all your time studying like I do, and I know I'd honestly rather die than go out on a quidditch pitch."

"Ron still thinks you're mental for that, by the way," Harry joked.

I laughed. "Ron thinks I'm mental for a lot of reasons. I'll be very happy never flying a day in my life, thank you very much. Point is, I figure…" I hesitated, and so did the memory of me. "Aside from the defence tutoring and all, we can just ease back into things? Adjust as we go? I know, it's all weird now with everything, but I can ease back into doing your things, and you can ease into my things, and…"

"We don't have to do it all at once," he said, and both Harry and the dementor nodded in understanding. "We're still best mates, though. Not letting you get away now we've got you back."

"Of course. Knowing me, it'd only take me a week to catch my death without you and Ron." I kept to the script for the sake of momentum, but it was strange to think about a time a lifetime ago when dying had still been a joke.

Harry laughed easily, though the dementor on his face stayed serious. "Honestly, I doubt I could last a day without you at this point. One more botched potion and Snape might just off me himself."

That was that, then. I was still scared, still nervous as anything, but I couldn't help but feel like the dementor and I had come to some sort of agreement. The floor was open, after all. It could change the memory whenever it wanted. It hadn't, though, and I wasn't feeling any shift like I had when the memory had changed before. Instead, we stayed where we were, and in the strange sort of communication we were managing—half metaphor and half manipulation of the fact that memories were terrifyingly easily changed—it felt like we'd struck a deal.

The cauldron started to boil over, and I made to hand the jar of nettles over to Harry.

"It's time," I said, and even masked by a memory I couldn't hide the wavering in my voice. "Are you ready?"

The dementor-as-Harry reached for the jar and clasped hands with me as the world began to shift. A conscious shift this time, done with firm-set intention I could almost reach out and touch. The world wavered around me, growing more and more unstable, and then the nettles were gone, and then the cauldron and the potion and Hogswatch too. The walls gave way to snow piled high between evergreen trees, the roof spiralled up into dark canopy, the floor faded into a striped picnic blanket, and the blanket itself seemed to evaporate with the painfully thick, bone-deep thrum of magic flowing in and through and over and around me.

My hand was empty suddenly, and I was suspended in the magic separate from my body, and I was kneeling once more within my syphon circle carved into the ground. Only, the view was subtly different, and I realised with a start that I was on the opposite side from where I had sat in reality.

Across from me, sat in the opposite circle, was me; completely visible, but with hollow eyes, deathly pale skin, and a black cloak over its shoulders to match the silver one over mine. I stared at it, and it stared at me, and then it spoke with a voice that left my world trembling in its wake so that all I could hear and see and know was it and myself and the rapidly thinning difference between those two once-irreconcilable things.

"So that two may become one," spoke the memory-that-was-me, spoke the end of the world as I knew it.

"So that two may become one," I agreed—

—and then it was so.
 
Last edited:
A little less than 200,000 words and around six months, and we're finally to the initial conceit that got me started on this fic. Wanted to do the moment justice, so here we are. I sincerely hope y'all have enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) the ride as much as I've been. My beta reader can confirm, but I am so unbelievably hype to be writing this part! It's all coming together now.
 
Holy crap it's happening, and what a way the conversation goes too. You've built up to this moment for so long, and it's great seeing it happen
 
Hey illhousen. First off, how dare you stick this image in my head that now I also can't get rid of, and also how dare you be right? Got me losing my mind at this!
 
Hey illhousen. First off, how dare you stick this image in my head that now I also can't get rid of, and also how dare you be right? Got me losing my mind at this!

I'm not saying that, given the established traits of your dementors, it would make perfect sense for them to communicate exclusively in the Simpsons memes, but I'm not not saying that.
 
A little less than 200,000 words and around six months, and we're finally to the initial conceit that got me started on this fic. Wanted to do the moment justice, so here we are. I sincerely hope y'all have enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) the ride as much as I've been. My beta reader can confirm, but I am so unbelievably hype to be writing this part! It's all coming together now.

This is going to be very interesting from this point on, and you already had my interest.
 
It's delightfully ironic (in the dramatic sense) that Hermione is fusing with a memory vampire after being violated by a living memory. It's like she's becoming the Diary's natural predator.

Next step, eat the other memories of Tom.
 
Last edited:
Memory VII - The Crucible
Agony wracked me like I'd never known, like I never would know, as the pain of becoming writhed under my skin like wriggling bolts of freezing hot lightning. Every moment in every memory shared made it worse and washed away the me that was I into something new. It would have been bearable were the pain all my own, but over an eternity, and far too quickly, the pain of the other slowly carved its way into my failing mind. I was approaching the crucible; the critical point of two becoming one. Even as I reached a fever pitch of agony and mania, I had long since stopped begging for death. It was right. I'd made a deal. A promise I could never come back from. The only thing left to do was embrace it.

You start to see, though both halves find this more distasteful than the other. It wouldn't do to forget what was in favour of what will become. Human memory is fickle like that. You barely remember a time when you hadn't lost yourself. Though perhaps… an opportunity approaches: to escape from pain until the forging is done, to remember, and to never forget.

Another memory overtook me, and for the first time I welcomed it as it washed away the self I was.


Memory VII - The Crucible


Sirius Black had lived a good, interesting life. He'd be the first to tell you so. Good friends, good fights, good memories, all that. There was plenty of bad, too—no getting around it—and more than once, there'd been things that were just outright confusing. The bits that just didn't make sense. The things that no matter how much he considered and turned around to try to make them fit in as something that made sense in the world, he simply couldn't manage.

His childhood home, for one. He never much saw the point of putting all those elves' heads up. Proper gruesome, that. Sirius had never been great at the finer points of ritual either; high or low. Put the facts together all you want, and it still didn't make any sense. Hell, he'd even walked in on his mother shirtless that one time, and Sirius worked very hard to drink enough to never have to make sense of that.

But as he steered his motorbike—his pride and joy, really—down to the street in front of a blown-out cottage in Godric's Hollow, he saw for the first time something that really, truly didn't make sense. It just couldn't be. It had been warded, and warded well! Not just with the combined effort of everything Sirius had managed to remember of his family's teachings and the collected library of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Potter all collated by the most talented witch this side of Trixie, but by the unfathomably powerful Fidelius charm.

It just… it didn't make sense. Not the blown-out windows, or the dead plants in the gardens (Lily had always taken obsessive care of her petunias), or the weight in the magic like sacred Death itself had come to pay a personal visit. None of it. None of it made a lick of sense.

It took too long for Sirius to piece the facts together; to conceptualise it in such a way that allowed the world to keep spinning—a way that only just stopped his heart from falling to the floor and shrivelling up on the spot. Lily must have done something. She was always the mad witch playing about with the Powers in ways that would drive other folks insane. If anyone could have found some crazy thing to win against the Twat-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it would have been her, and no doubt there would have been some collateral.

She wouldn't have done it in her home, though, not when he knew Harry was there, but Sirius ignored that.

There were other possibilities, too. It could have been a clever illusion. Maybe it was what the Fidelius made it look like to the people not clued in. Sure, you weren't supposed to be able to unshare a secret, but, y'know, Lily. That almost made sense. It hurt that they thought he was the spy since they ought to have known that Sirius would gladly die for them, but there would be something he could do to prove his loyalty. There had to be. Whatever he'd done this time, he'd find some way to make up for it.

Then Sirius saw movement through the shattered windows and he focused, because what good was a guard dog that didn't know how to bite?

In a well-trained instant, Sirius flicked his wand from its wrist holster and pulled his foot-long bond-knife from its sheath at his back. He hated the blade, but it was the only good thing his family had ever done for him and he refused to be at anything but his best when the Potters' lives might be on the line. Some things were more important than hatred.

Every sense was on alert as he crept up to the cottage that was slowly starting to not make sense again. The garden looked even worse up close, and based on a look inside it seemed like it wasn't just the windows that were fucked. Everything was overturned and broken. It looked like a tornado had torn through, or maybe one of the exciting kinds of duels. He stopped himself from fixating on it, on what it meant, because he knew if he did that then he'd collapse to the floor among the broken glass and never get back up.

The front door was ajar—never a good sign—and Sirius snuck in on silenced feet. The living room was well and truly destroyed, with shreds of the Potters' lives scattered everywhere. And the Powers, oh the Powers were most definitely watching the cottage. He could feel their attention like knives to his heart because they only ever paid attention when something interesting had happened. Something important. The house reeked of Death and powerful magic, and it took Sirius quite a lot of effort to not piece the clues together.

Then he saw the fake body.

Because it had to be fake. Some clever doll that Dumbledore had cooked up, or maybe Remus? It was just the right sort of depressing to be Remus' work. Sirius fell to his knees beside the fake body and began searching it. The face was right, even down to the cut James'd given himself when he tried out a new shaving charm the other day. The glasses were definitely his, too. There was a tiny scratch on them from the last time Sirius had had to fix them after a duel. He didn't know why Jamie wanted Sirius to do it; he'd always been pants at fixing things. The tattoos were all right too, but those were such obvious markers to look for that they basically didn't count.

They got the heartbeat wrong, though. James Potter had a strong, reliable heartbeat. Any idiot ought to have known that. And the eyes, they were lifeless like James' had never once been. He was always so full of life. More than he knew what to do with, really, and so he gave it out to the people lucky enough to be around him. But this fucking fake wasn't like that. Not at all. Whoever had gone to all the trouble of making this obviously fake body was probably laughing somewhere thinking they'd fooled everyone, but not him! Not Sirius Black! Oh, this was just the sort of prank Trixie'd pull on him. He cast his eyes around to look for her, to say, "Very funny, but where'd you put him you sick fucking psycho?" and then they'd duel, and probably grab a drink they'd both feel too guilty to tell anyone else about later, then duel again but drunk this time, and then she'd tell him where she stashed the Potters because even she knew that there was a fucking line.

Only it wasn't Trixie he found hovering in the hall, but a very large man holding a very small bundle, both of them crying in a way unnervingly at odds with their respective sizes.

"Hagrid?" Sirius asked, because the pieces were fitting together despite his best efforts, and that was Harry's scared cry, and it would be a cold day in hell when Sirius didn't recognise Harry's distress like he knew his own name.

Hagrid nodded. "Tha's me." He looked around at the wreckage. "He er… Li'l baby Harry. He got You-Know-Who. Tha's what Dumbledore said. All over now."

"Did he really?" Sirius asked, staring into James' dead eyes while he tried and failed to slot the new information into his worldview.

"Tha's what Dumbledore said."

He nodded absently. "If Dumbledore said it, then it must be true." There was no doubt in Sirius' mind that Dumbledore had felt it if Voldemort really had died. When you were that involved in old magic—and there was no fooling Sirius, he could tell—and connected that strongly, you got a sense for things. Dumbledore had probably known the when, where, and how the very instant it happened. Just like Sirius had. He hadn't known what he felt, but he knew that he really ought to pop by Godric's Hollow even if just to say hi. Only, he couldn't say hi. Not anymore. Because when he'd arrived, it had been to find the scattered ruins of everything good in his life.

"It's over, then," Sirius said as he kept staring into those eyes, but he wasn't at all talking about the war. Because there was no point in denying it any longer: James Fleamont Potter was dead.

No sooner had he realised it than he broke down, gripping James' shirt and sobbing pitifully. The world had ended, and nobody seemed to have realised. People would be dancing in the streets once they found out. Because fuck James! Fuck the Potters! Fuck the only shred of happiness that Sirius had ever managed to carve out for himself! The Dark Lord was dead, why doesn't everyone just party until they fucking drown in cheap liquor and their own vomit!

Sirius was so lost in his ugly sobbing, curled up against the chest of the corpse like he'd never been allowed to do in life, that he didn't even realise when a large hand started rubbing his back. All he knew was that eventually, he returned to numb awareness and that it had started happening at some point.

"...raise a drink to 'em, we will," Hagrid's gravelly voice was saying. "To the Potters. Never been a finer sort anywhere."

"Never," Sirius muttered into the corpse's shirt, but his voice was strained enough it hurt to say.

Harry had stopped crying at some point, made evident by the fact that he started up again. That was… Sirius could do something about that. That was actionable.

"Poor thing's bin hollerin' ever since I got here," Hagrid said.

Sirius finally managed to unclench his arms from James' corpse and held them out to the giant. "Let me hold him. I can calm him down." And he would no matter what he had to do, because James and Lily both would kill him if he ever left their son wanting for anything. Lily might just come back from the dead to do it, too. It'd be like her.

With a gentleness befitting the size of his heart, Hagrid carefully rolled little Harry into Sirius' arms. He cradled him up tight, just like he knew the boy liked, and rocked him slowly back and forth. The scar told that he wasn't quite the same kid Sirius had held just the other day, but that was only fitting, wasn't it?

"Hey little pup, it's your uncle Padfoot." It still hurt to speak, but he didn't let that stop him from softening his voice for the most important person in the world. "Yeah, I know, I know, it's scary, and it hurts, but that's a very impressive scar you earned for your troubles. Bet the girls'll love it. You're gonna recover from this, you know." Harry started wailing louder, and Sirius lowered his forehead to his in response. "I know, pup. Gods and Powers, do I know. And I know it seems cruel, but you live through this. I promise. Whatever it takes, I promise you that you'll get through this."

After some more soft cooing and several promises of warmth and safety that Sirius would gladly bleed and die to carry out, Harry settled some. Sirius' tears never once stopped. He had to be diligent in wiping them to make sure Harry didn't end up dirty. Couldn't have that. Finally though, once the boy was calm enough, Sirius offered him the brightest smile he could manage. "It's late, little pup. You should be asleep."

"Can' blame 'im," Hagrid said. He sounded distinctly like Sirius was sure he did: like he'd already cried all the emotion out of his voice. "Not gonna be sleepin' righ' myself after this."

"Babies are tougher than all that, though. Tougher than you or me by a mile." They were his mother's words, just about, said when he'd asked why his Uncle was being so tough on little Cissy to get her magic to show. It felt appropriate; like if he used his mother's words well enough then he'd be able to make any old atrocity okay.

If only for Harry's sake, Sirius desperately needed this atrocity to be okay.

"How about this, huh pup? If you get cosy and go to sleep for me, I'll sing you a song. My hag of a mother used to sing it to me when I got scared, and I'll bet her hag of a mother sang it to her, too. That sound good?" Harry fussed, and Sirius figured that was answer enough. So, in a scratchy, painful voice he'd have cast a spell to soften the sound of were both his arms not wrapped up with an infant, he began to sing.

"Sleep now my blessing,
sleep warm and sleep sound.
The monsters are missing,
there's none to be found.

The wise ones, the wise ones,
look how they look.
They watch and they wait,
and they see what it took.

The old ones, the old ones,
they share and they tell
the tale of their ventures,
and how each one fell.

The silly ones, the silly ones,
oh look how they laugh
at warnings of danger;
they doubt it's a trap.

And Padfoot, your Padfoot,
the scariest of all.
They trouble sweet babies,
and fall in my maw.

So sleep now my blessing,
sleep warm and sleep tight.
No monsters to bother my baby tonight."


It wasn't quite a mother's voice, all scratchy and weepy with a voice too worn by mourning, but it did the job well enough; Harry was asleep.

"Funny sort o' song you got there," Hagrid said with an unsettled sort of expression.

Sirius only just managed a shaky, whispered half-laugh. "Funny sort of family, too. Look, Hagrid. Let me take Harry away from here. I'm his godfather. It's only right that he be with me."

"I know yer mean well," one big hand found its way to Sirius' shoulder as another tried and failed to coax Harry from where he was tightly swaddled in his arms. "But Dumbledore says tha' he's got ter go with his aunt and uncle."

It sounded like a very Dumbledore move. He'd never quite trusted Sirius. James didn't have any siblings though. Had to be an aunt and uncle on Lily's side, then. She'd never talked about them before, not that Sirius could recall. He didn't like the uncertainty.

"Nobody can keep him safer," Sirius insisted.

Hagrid levelled some sort of look at him, but he wasn't paying attention, instead focusing on the baby in his arms like a good, responsible guardian should. That it gave him a view of James was incidental. "Those Death Eaters, reckon they'll be swarmin', yeah? You'll be the first one they go huntin' for. Nobody'll be lookin' for Lily's muggles." Sirius only tightened his grip, so Hagrid changed tactics. "You really think Dumbledore'd put 'im in danger?"

No, Dumbledore wouldn't. It was why, as much as he hated that Dumbledore didn't trust him, he respected it too. He'd always prioritise the Potters over him, and Sirius could only think of that as a good thing. The Fidelius had been his idea, after all, and he'd offered himself as Secret-Keeper. Oh, how he wished they'd listened to him, but Sirius had decided to have a clever little idea, and now they were all dead!

Because Peter Pettigrew had been the Secret-Keeper.

Peter, ruddy little Wormtail, had been the one that James and Lily had trusted their lives to. And he'd… betrayed them. Thrown them away. Sirius had never imagined that it would happen. He'd thought that keeping the Secret-Keeper secret would be enough. Nobody would have thought to threaten him, everyone thought Sirius was the Secret-Keeper, which meant… Which meant he volunteered the information freely.

"You're right," Sirius finally said, emotion absent from his voice as he only just managed to avoid clenching his jaw. "You never know who's a Death Eater in disguise."

"Tha's what I'm sayin'," Hagrid agreed eagerly.

He handed Harry over to the gentle giant with a nod. He'd be safe with Hagrid. Only, Hagrid couldn't apparate, could he? With his newly free hand, Sirius dug around in his pockets for his keys. "Here," he said as he handed them over. "Take my bike."

Hagrid seemed shocked for a moment before recovering. "I'll have 'er back ter ya 'fore ya know it."

The half-giant gingerly folded Harry into a carrier strap he had 'round him and stood, but Sirius stayed put. "No need for that. Just… hold on to it for me, would you? Don't have much need for it anymore." In the same way that James wouldn't care about someone using his stuff. Dead men didn't have much need for much of anything.

"Righ' then. I'll just…"

"Get him to his family, Hagrid. Stick around too long and the Death Eaters might come poking around."

Finally, Hagrid hurried out, and Sirius heard the distinctive roar of his bike start up and fade into the distance. For his part? He just sat there, wondering.

Sirius had long since suspected that Remus was passing information. Voldemort had a better stance on werewolf rights than most of the Wizengamot. It would've made sense. Would've been hard to blame him too, but Sirius would have put in the effort. Not that Sirius had ever pulled away, Moony was far too important to him for that, but he'd suspected. He imagined that more than a few people suspected Sirius himself. That'd make sense too, though it was a bit hypocritical. One would think that the anti-blood purity league might refrain from judging a bloke based on their family.

But Peter? He'd been above suspicion. Nobody would suspect him of anything, that's why they made him Secret-Keeper. Though, that was the point, wasn't it? Nobody would suspect him of anything. Who better to spy? Who better to give up the Order's secrets, and the Potter's secrets, and betray everyone he'd ever sworn anything to?

"Fuck!" Sirius yelled as he pushed to his feet. "Fucking fucking bloody fuck!" He kicked a chair for good measure, and another few times until the chair was a mess and his foot was a mess and his useless bloody brain was most certainly a fucking mess.

What was a guy supposed to do when someone he'd trusted with everything important in his life turned traitor? All that schooling, and nobody to answer the important questions when they needed asking! How was someone supposed to live? The world was over! It had fallen over, right there, pale and lifeless, when Lord sodding Voldemort had come in and cursed it to death!

Sirius collapsed into the jagged remains of the broken chair on the ground, staring at the lifeless, useless corpse of James Potter. Because without Jamie, Sirius didn't know what he was. He didn't know who he was. Something wretched, certainly, but that was nothing new. He'd not been so lost since he was sixteen and had just run away from home for the last time. Since the Potters had taken him in. And without the Potters, Sirius was…

Sirius was a Black, he realised, and the Blacks had always had clear answers for these sorts of questions.

The uncertainty washed away into something like Order, like the old bastard Orion had tried to beat and curse and carve into him over years and years before the angel that was James Potter saw fit to raise him from perdition and breathe him to life. The thing was, he got it now. He understood what it was that his father had been trying to tell him. Life was all about goals. Big goals, small goals, goals worth the sacrifice. And now, Sirius had one. Peter Pettigrew was going to die. No matter if he had to carve it into being out of his own flesh, Peter Pettigrew was about to pay for what he had done.

The traitorous filth was probably hiding, but that was easily solved. They had all gotten tattoos of each other's animagus years back. There was a sympathetic bond there. It was weak, but there was strength to be found in pain and blood and sacrifice. So he got up and grabbed the knife and wand he'd abandoned to the ground when he saw James. He yanked his sleeve up and wrapped his family steel in a white-knuckle grip and carved, gouging and tearing the rat from his shoulder as he screamed and cried and raged and bled. Because Sirius was a Black, and that meant that he always found what it was that he was looking for. He had grown up with pain and hate and fear, and this mere agony of flesh was nothing against what he came to know when looking upon the still-warm corpse of the first person to ever actually matter. In only a moment he was holding up a dead, useless piece of skin with that filthy fucking rat imprinted upon it, blood weeping freely and forgotten from his shoulder.

"Sango Invenire," he hissed, and Sirius snarled into a bloody grin as a new sense graced his mind. "Found you, you fucking traitor."

He disapparated in an instant and found himself outside the rat's home. The wards pressed against his skin with intent, but he bled and carved and weaved magic into the air until they retreated in fear. Sirius blasted the familiar door open in a wave of fire and sliced a shield charm into the air to block the answering bone-breaker.

The rat was standing inside, wide-eyed with terror that curled around Sirius' spine and put warm fuzzies in his mind. The coward cast spell after spell, arts growing progressively darker, and Sirius batted each one aside in turn. He approached slowly, one perfectly placed step at a time.

"Sirius, you have to believe me," the coward cried once he realised he was cornered, "they threatened to torture me, I didn't have a choice! You believe me, right?"

It was the sheer fucking audacity that startled Sirius from his single-minded focus. "Of course I believe you." He didn't have any reason not to, after all. He just didn't care. "But James would have died for you. I would have died for you! I'd have ripped out my still-beating heart if any of you so much as asked! But no, you went and sold us out. You killed them!" Sirius stopped and grinned then, like a promise, and he could practically taste the filth's fear. "And now, I get to repay the favour. Lucky me."

The rat squeaked and backed against the wall before whipping up his wand with something laughably close to steel in his expression. "Bombarda!"

The world was sound and noise and pain for a moment, and when it settled into something like sense, the house was destroyed, and the rat was gone. That was no deterrence at all though, was it? Blood magic was banned for a reason, and Sirius still had the scent.

He disapparated again, this time landing in a forest. The new sense from the tracking spell went fuzzy. The target was too close and had probably been transfigured. Sirius would have lost him if he were anyone else, but the coward wasn't the only one with that trick up his sleeve. No, no. In fact, Sirius had been the one to teach him that one!

Sirius crouched into the form of Padfoot, turning to his nose to find familiar smells. It only took him a moment. All that time spent together during the full moons had backfired on poor Peter, hadn't it? With the scent found and Padfoot's longer gait, it was only a moment before he was upon the rat. Wormtail shifted back as soon as he realised, jabbed out a cutting curse that sliced its way down Sirius' still-canine shoulder, and disapparated once more.

That set the rhythm for the night. They appeared, they duelled, they chased. From forest to meadow to hamlet to city, Peter ran, and Sirius followed. Through muggle and magical communities alike, spells and counterspells flying freely, but Sirius didn't care enough to pay the bystanders any heed. Giving the rat a painful death and doing right by James was the only thought in his mind. The only thought that could be in his mind, anymore. There was no space for anything else.

After hours of fighting and running, when the blood tracker had only just worn off, when Sirius' body was barely working, and when he knew the rat's was much the same, the coward finally led the chase into a crowded street full of muggles. Not that that would stop him.

"You killed them!" The traitor screamed for the world to hear. "You killed Lily and James!"

The laugh that bubbled out of Sirius was an unhinged thing. "I did, did I? Alright then, if that's the case, then how about I get you next, really round out the set, you fucking coward."

Addled and broken as he was, the shock of the explosion didn't fully clear until Sirius was clapped in irons. He must have… Peter must have seen something in his eyes, something a bit too honest, and realised that the death he'd be giving him would be anything but quick. The explosion, well.

He giggled a bit as he realised it. Then giggled some more, drawing some terrified looks from his arresting officers. The traitor had always been one to take the easy way out, hadn't he? In the face of a slow, painful, and imminent death, he would kill himself, wouldn't he? So, Sirius laughed, and cried, and laughed until he cried, and cried until he laughed, and it didn't matter! Because James and Lily were dead, and their son was somewhere safe, and nothing else in the world mattered past that!

And when dementors took him? He was laughing then, too, because a lifetime immersed in memories of the Marauders—even the bad ones when he'd done something mad again and he thought his only friends would leave him—was so far from a punishment it couldn't be overstated.

Because the rat was dead, James was avenged, Harry was safe, and nothing in the world would ever matter past that.





Getting drunk alone off of stolen wine in a draughty cave in the dead of winter warmed by the most pathetic fire he'd ever seen wasn't exactly what Sirius would consider his highest point ever, but the days where he had standards were long gone. The traitorous filth had taken them all away. Powers, but Sirius was livid when he saw that photo in the news and realised the rat was still alive. It'd been years and years, but they'd been spent living and reliving every second of his worst moments; most of which featured his merry chase with the rat fairly prominently. He'd recognise him anywhere.

Sirius had spent years being some mix of furious and disappointed at the fact he hadn't managed to take his time and get revenge on his own terms, but as he was, away from the all-consuming gloom the dementors cast over everything, he could almost see some fucked up sense of honour in it all. Betray your best friends, get them killed, blow yourself to bits with regret, all that rot.

Of course, the filth had never really had anything like honour or pride running through his traitorous head, and so Sirius had to escape from Azkaban to hunt him down and kill him with his hands. Simple as that, really.

After that was done, who knew? He might swan off to somewhere sunny where the fucking cold didn't seep into his bones. Maybe he'd write to Harry, too. Hopefully his little Christmas present would be enough to open the door. Powers knew that the pup could put it to good work; he was a genius on the broom, just like his dad. While Sirius would have loved to take Harry away from everything after the rat's flayed corpse was scattered to pieces across a dozen different cemeteries, the kid had a family of his own, and almost certainly a good one. Dumbledore wouldn't abide anything else. Besides, they were Lily's folks, and no family that produced Lily could be all that bad. She was a good sort like that. Bit mad, but good all the same.

The cork on the wine bottle, though, was absolutely not a good sort, and refused to budge no matter what Sirius did. He'd tried pulling with his hands, his teeth, his other set of teeth, and digging around with the long-ass knife he'd found laying in someone's kitchen the other day, but to no avail. Probably had all sorts of protective charms on it. Nobody ever bothered to charm the glass though, so he found a nice ledge in the wall of the cave and fucking bashed the neck of the bottle against it. It gave easily, scattering little shards of glass everywhere.

"I win," Sirius said, raising the bottle and waterfalling it down into his mouth. It didn't warm him, exactly—Azkaban had wreaked too much havoc on him for that—but being cold and drunk beat being cold and sober any day. "Happy new year to me."

While the only thing Sirius wanted more than being a part of little Harry's life was a long, painful death to traitors in general (and in specific), the kid had a life and family of his own. Probably no room for his washed-up old murderer of a dogfather. Not that he was a murderer yet, mind, but it was important to plan with your goals in mind. If that was the case, then Sirius would be perfectly something-resembling-happy to watch Prongs' kid grow up from a distance.

The wind kicked up for a moment as if just to snuff his fire out—which it did, and Merlin's bloody, abused sack it was cold—and brought Sirius' last remaining friendly face with it: a big orange cat with a squashed up face only a mother could love, and even then she'd have second thoughts. It wasn't a normal cat, either. Too smart for that. It had this way of looking into your soul that you only really saw on preachy grandmothers who'd lived too long and teachers who liked to make a show of disapproving of your life choices.

A friend was a friend, though, and so Sirius raised his broken bottle in salute. "Fancy a drink? Don't know if cats can drink, but I figure you're smart enough to know your limits." He paused a moment as a thought occurred to him. "Guess everything can drink, though. It's whether you can drink a second time that gets you."

And there that look was! The little blighter had such an amazing granny-teacher face that Sirius had borrowed someone's wand a couple of weeks back to test to see if it was an animagus. It had checked out, so it probably wasn't, but who knew what sort of advances in transfiguration had been made over the last twelve years?

The cat gave the cave a withering look, paying special attention to the fragments of gleaming glass scattered about on the ground. Sirius just shrugged and took another drink. "More for me, then."

"Mrow," the cat mrowed, which Sirius figured just about made sense.

"Look, if I wanted to be judged, I'd go find a portrait of my mum and tell her about my day."

"Mrow!" it insisted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's New Year's Eve! Getting pissed and making shit choices is a sacred and, might I say, time-honoured tradition!" He took another swig to punctuate the point but fucked up and forgot about all the jagged glass where the neck used to be, giving Sirius a few nice cuts that he didn't have any good way to heal.

"Fucking… Right, that's enough of that, then." Sirius set the bottle down. "Happy?"

"Mrow," it said again, because Sirius had always been shit at making people happy on purpose.

"Well what is it you want, then, if you didn't just come to have a laugh? Is that blonde girl with the radishes handing out food again?"

The cat flattened its ears and turned around in a very clear 'follow me', and Sirius didn't need to see the swishing tail to see it was concerned about something. He figured that was reason enough to follow and see what was up. The cat was a friend after all, and as best as he could recall, Sirius tended to at least try to take care of those. If it was worried, then he probably ought to be too.

Padfoot followed his little orange friend out of the cave and down the slope to Hogsmeade proper. He even tried to cover for the cat with his larger form when the biting wind decided to get pissy. Sure he was skinnier, but Azkaban meant he was long since used to it. The cat led him around the edge of the very festive-looking village for a while before Padfoot stopped as something caught his eye. Something was off, something… there, up in the sky. The dementors were swirling amongst themselves instead of ambling through the streets like they normally did. Right fucking weird, that.

He hadn't the foggiest what the hell that meant, but it probably wasn't good, and it was definitely worth noting. Most things tended to be. If his time as an auror had taught him anything, it was that you literally never knew what would be important. Best to just keep an eye on everything. Powers, but old Mad-Eye absolutely loved to punctuate that lesson with a tap to his mad eye.

"Mrow," the cat mrowed, and it sounded like a particularly worried mrow, so Padfoot picked up the pace.

The Forbidden Forest loomed around them before long, and Padfoot was starting to see why the little cat was worried. Besides the fact that good things didn't much tend to happen in the Forbidden Forest, there was something in the air. He'd guiltily prided himself on having a finely tuned nose for magic once—before his life had ended—but this? It was the first thing he'd felt with that long-forgotten sense since he'd first been locked up. Something big was happening. Good or bad, he didn't know, but certainly something big. And, if he closed his eyes, he could just about identify the where of it.

It took him a few moments of reaching out and feeling for the long-forgotten limb, but then it was there, like a thread tied to his nose keeping him pointed in the right direction. He took off in an instant, leaving the cat behind. It could catch up on its own time.

The foreboding feeling got bigger and bigger with every step he took, and so he pushed himself faster and faster the closer he got. It was Dark, whatever it was. Inky, oily, and oh-so-familiar. It brought back old memories of his family's yearly ritual sacrifices; the sort of thing he made a point not to think about save for when a dementor made a point to insist. He didn't think he had any family outside of Azkaban who'd go about doing something like that in the middle of a forest in Albus Dumbledore's bloody backyard, though, which only spurred his worries on.

Maybe Wormtail had found some old ritual book he shouldn't have. Maybe he'd finally cottoned on to the fact that he couldn't hide from Sirius and was doing something drastic in response. That'd probably be bad. Could be fun, though. He hadn't had anything like fun in years. Or, maybe it was unrelated, and some poor idiotic student had got the bright idea to do human fucking sacrifice on the eve of the new year.

Whatever the case, Sirius knew for a fact that he had to be there, if only to see.

Trees and shrubs and snow and even a pack of playing thestrals enjoying all the Eau de Décès floating around passed Padfoot by in a blur as he rushed closer and closer to the source of the magic. Finally, he came upon a heap of snow that he was sure would have smelled distinctly like a hover charm were his senses not being assaulted by achingly Dark magic that seemed to be just… holding. Waiting.

Padfoot crested the snowy hill to find himself standing above the edge of a clearing, in the centre of which was perhaps the single most complicated and cleanly carved ritual circle he'd ever seen outside of his family home. For all the oppressive magic though, nothing seemed to be happening. The strangest part was that there was nobody around. The ritualist's bag was set up against a tree with some impressive-looking tools scattered around it, so it wasn't like it had been abandoned. Besides, no ritualist worth their salt would leave a setup like he was seeing to get messed up by any passing animal. A closer look, and…

He saw you. Just a flicker, but then he managed to see your eyes from underneath the hood of the Cloak. You stared at him, and he stared at you, and a thousand thoughts ran through his head at seeing a student be so competent a ritualist. He assumed you had help, of course. A laughable idea. As regrettably attached to being human as you are—were—the dementor-that-was would never have chosen you had you been anything but exceptional.

The dog retreated at the sight of the old spirit approaching, for he knew that he had no wand with which to conjure his cursed guardian. He cowered for only a few moments before poking his head back over the snow to investigate. It was enough. Memory, after all, was a far faster medium than pitiful human sound.

Sirius watched you become visible once more—and was that James' fucking invisibility cloak?—then gagged with disgust at the wretched humanity of the dementor as it, too, shed its cloak. Magic, chokingly heavy and Dark like he'd only rarely felt before, lifted you and it up into the air and towards each other. Hands rose to meet each other, and Padfoot barked in a vain attempt to alert you once he began to realise what was happening.

Human clasped hand with dementor, faces pressed together in a gut-wrenchingly cruel facsimile of intimacy, and then there was a flash. Not light, but blinding nonetheless. When Sirius finally managed to recover his sight, you were gone. The dementor was gone. Laying on the ground in the centre of the circle and thrashing in pain, the only thing that remained was us.

All the heft of the magic in the air seemed to retreat; not out, but in. Towards the ritual, towards our form. We writhed with it, clawing at the ground and screaming out in a silent rictus of agony. By the look of it, Sirius had no doubt that our cry would be deafening if we could only voice it. Finally, after a time that we hadn't the faculties and Sirius hadn't the care to account for, our twitching stopped. The flow of magic stopped. Even the pounding headache Sirius had been picking up began to abate.

Sirius shifted back into human form to clamber down the hill and look at us by the moon's half-light, not quite sure what the hell he was supposed to do with what he just saw. It was incredibly fucking illegal, whatever it was. The sort of thing that would have the aurors locking us up and throwing away the key before you could say 'dark witch'. Though we seemed to have an affinity with the bastards that guarded Azkaban, so he figured we might do all right. Still, though, he knew damn well that almost nobody deserved that. Not without the opportunity to explain ourselves, at least.

He wasn't quite sure what the hell to do, and he stood there for a frankly embarrassingly long time wondering at just that. The thing that decided it was the cat. It had caught up at some point, and Sirius watched as it rocked up to us only to cuddle up into our armpit.

"Friend of yours?" Sirius asked.

"Mrrrr," the cat said contentedly. He reckoned that answered it quite nicely.

Whatever the case, there was no sense leaving someone out in the cold, and having a crazy dementor-ritualist on call would be interesting. Useful too, given we looked to him to be about the right age for Hogwarts. An in was an in. He'd take it happily.

Sirius found your old wand with your ritual supplies. It was a pitiful thing. Neglected, covered with ink and dirt, and lying there abandoned. He didn't even have to force the strange sense of kinship with it. It wasn't his wand, and it definitely wasn't his bond-knife, but it worked well enough as he flicked it around, spelling your things into sorting themselves into your bag and clearing what evidence he could of the ritual itself. It wasn't as much as he might have wanted given the very noticeable stain we'd left on the area's ambient magic, and there was absolutely no hiding how the magic had behaved during the ritual either. Half the fucking country would have felt that. Not the sort of thing you could claim take-backsies on; it was sort of a done deal.

He considered carrying us for a good moment. Then he felt just how bloody heavy your bag was and decided touching the mad dementor-girl was probably a bad idea anyway. A quick hover charm had us floating by his side, and another little flurry of spells put the mounds of snow surrounding the clearing back where they belonged.

"If this is your human, they best appreciate this properly," Sirius grumbled to the cat as he walked. "Even if they're not. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of dementors, you know. We've got history."

The cat rubbed up against his leg and purred loudly in response.

"Yeah, I figured."

So, Sirius Black and his last remaining friend marched back to his cave with us floating in tow, erasing their footsteps with a spell all the while.
 
Glad I caught this one early. It's an interesting perspective, and what seems to be an aspect of the new being. Library of memories indeed...
 
Really neat how this recontextualizes the Memories as not just a negotiating tactic, but as a way that the Dementor as a being of stolen memories is trying to cope with the pain it's feeling just as much as Hermione. It's a bit more eloquent about it, sure, but neither of them can just shrug off the fundamental changes they're going through. Also, I liked that "both halves find this more distasteful than the other" line. Can't exactly put an objective value on subjective pain, and this is undoubtedly a Highly Unpleasant Experience™ for both of them; plus it gives vibes of the classic 'neither can live while the other survives' even if the context is almost entirely inverted.

It's an interesting choice of Memory for the Dementor to presumably end things on, too. Showing off some very-personally-relevant backstory about the man that's apparently going to be taking care of them, in a manner that the new fusion's pretty certain to remember rather than potentially just getting jumbled up with all the other memories that both halves are bringing to the table. Not to mention adding a more neutral viewpoint to the ritual than either of the actual participants could have, providing context to what happened beneath all of that pain and mindfuckery when the two became one.

...Also giving the new fusion a bit of warning for when they find themself waking up disoriented in a cold, dark cave next to a murderer. Y'know, minor things like that.
 
Good news, Hermione (Hermentor?) Dermione! Crookshanks still likes you.
Bad news! Most felines are psychopaths, so you should take his approval with a brick of salt.

Dementors going for memories and not just the associated emotions is an element of this story I didn't see coming and makes everything ever so slightly more horrifying. Nice.
 
Interestingly, this chapter reads like it's being narrated from the Dementor's perspective. Even after the ritual is complete. So, does that mean Hermione and the Dementor are still two beings on some level? Or is this Hermentor dissociating?
 
If I understood the negotiation part of the ritual correctly, the deal was to 'ease' into things - meaning slow fusion while trying to make sense of things the other side brings to the union in real time and still being somewhat seperate until total integration is achieved.
I suspect a normal/quick fusion would end up much the same, only with the resulting being spending several days in a coma-like state having very confusing dreams.
 
Man, dementors are true monsters. They have zero appreciation for spoilers. "The first thing I'm going to tell you about Sirius Black is that he loved James Potter very much and did not betray him. Peter did." Ever heard about dramatic reveal, asshole?

More seriously, I do like the portrayal of Blacks as this really fucked up family with a thousand traditions, each of which is more terrible and damaging than the last. There is real appeal in watching Sirius Black, walking human disaster, heir to the line of human disasters. And I assume various tidbits about his family are paving the way to Hermione eventually meeting Bellatrix on semi-friendly terms, which would be interesting.
 
Silence - 23
He was a farmer, once. Born poor in wealth but rich in love, he was raised in a warm home made loud by the people within. He had five brothers and two sisters, three of his siblings older and four younger. Average, middling, and happy, save for the way he was touched by the gods; unlike all the rest of his family. The gift wasn't something to be kept secret back then. All it meant was that the local druid came by a few times a moon to impart some wisdom, and sometimes the odd blessing.

His gifts were nothing but a boon to his family. He could spell the wolves away from the henhouse, raise a barn with a few choice words, sense the intentions of visitors, and brew potions to ensure the livestock gave birth to healthy young. It left him in the pitiable position of receiving praise for the power he held over others, and the adoration did what it always does to humans who can't keep perspective: it made him arrogant.

The boy grew into a man into a wizard into a fool, and secure in his position as he was, he stopped seeking out knowledge. The druid came by with knowledge that fell on deaf ears, and eventually stopped coming at all. It went well for a time. The fool was loved by his peers and by his family, and all whose lives he touched benefited from the magic which had shaped his life so.

It was a blight of the lungs that did it. They were damned from the first dry, sickening cough.

First went the old man across the way, then went the fool's parents, then his sisters and brothers in turn. He tried to save them, to his minimal credit, but the knowledge that delivered a calf safely was not the same as the knowledge which cured lungs that rotted while they still drew breath. Even the most meagre of rats can weather a storm by chance, however, and magic in the body of even the meagrest wizard knows how to keep its master standing.

So, he watched and listened as cheers turned to coughs, into rasps, into quiet for the first time in his life, and so, ever the farmer, he planted the very first seeds of hatred in his heart. And oh, how very bountiful the harvest.

Life kept going though, and so did he, because even in deepest agony the rat will gnaw its leg off to survive. He had the most peculiarly human ideas of giving honour to what was gone though, so he stayed on that farm and tended those seeds and quietly nursed his hatred. Hatred for his magic, because what use had it been when he needed it? Hatred for his farm, because it was where he had buried his family. He even began to harbour hatred for the people he'd loved, holding the sin of leaving against them.

In all his years, he never recognised that these things were each a part of him, and so the only thing he had ever truly managed to hate was himself. Only fitting. It was his fault, after all.

Time passed, as is its wont, but the fool didn't. He stuck stubbornly on, lost in the hated quiet that his life had become. One day, a day like any other save for all the ways in which it wasn't, a travelling witch chanced to pass through. She valued knowledge, rationality, and Order in all things, and in the face of her easy warmth and her bright laugh and her insatiable curiosity, the fool did the only thing he could ever have thought to do.

He fell in love.

The witch was inclined to travel and seek new sights, and suddenly the fool saw value in the idea even above tending to old ghosts. He watched from a distance for some time before he asked to come along with her. Reluctantly, she said yes, because she was human, and had no way of knowing how it would end.

The two fools travelled and learned new things together, coming slowly closer with each discovery. The farmer soon saw in her eyes the value of the magic he'd shunned. When he finally told her about his gift, she was delighted at the opportunity to teach. In all their years together, he never did tell her about his family. Fool that she was, she never thought to ask.

After years of living and loving, the two fools decided to settle down. The farmer offered his home. The witch accepted with glee. Maybe things might have been different if he hadn't offered, and she hadn't accepted. Perhaps the world would have been kinder if ever the witch had seen what lived in the heart of the man she loved.

Unfortunately, the world very rarely shifts out of concession to petty kindness.

For in their many travels, the farmer had come across a stone with the most peculiar properties. He had found it in the dead of winter, right in the centre of the only patch of living grass for miles around. When, out of curiosity, he had picked the stone up, the grass had died.

The crops had died in his absence, but with some experimentation that was easily fixed. The cattle were a trifle after that. The neighbour's dog from down the way was up and moving in no time, and so was the bird it had presented to him so proudly. He was loved once again—praised once again—and all the more pitiful for it.

After all, he still remembered where he had buried his family.

He hesitated, though. He ran more experiments. In that time, the witch grew pregnant, then pregnant again. Two beautiful, healthy boys with smiles like brightest sunlight. There was a family in that farm once more, with all the laughter and tears and screaming and noise that family meant. The farmer exulted in it, and in his joy the stone was locked away and forgotten.

Once more, the witch grew pregnant. Once more, the family prepared to make room for yet another joyous soul. Once more, the fool watched the people he loved die. Once more, the farm went quiet. Once more, he remembered his old hatred.

He still had his sons, but they had grown silent in their grief, just like their father. He still had his farm, but the sunrise no longer filled his heart without the witch's smile. He still had the stone, though. He still remembered where he had buried his family.

The fool was manic as he bade his sons dig up all the corpses he had never been clever enough to save; his father and his mother, his sisters and his brothers, his wife and his infant daughter. The sons cried. The father cried. Even the skies opened up. When all the rotted, foetid, decaying corpses were exhumed once more, the fool laughed through his tears and presented the stone.

He turned it over once.

Twice.

Thrice.

They begged him for their rest, but he denied them. They pleaded with him for mercy, but he spelled them into submission. They screamed, cried, and agonised, but he merely spoke a spell into being to steal away their voices. And when they angered, and when the fool and his sons were rendered down to so much meat, he laughed just to stave away the quiet.

The bodies found their rest, the crops decayed, the cattle rotted, across the way a dog fell apart, and somewhere else entirely a bird simply continued to wither, for it had long since left the stone behind. In no time at all, the only evidence that remained of the life led by the boy turned man turned wizard turned fool was so much rotting meat.

It was from the remains that movement began. It shifted and stilled, then explored, then finally hungered. It felt nothing, but knew much, and so named itself by the strongest thing the fool that was its womb had ever felt. Not his love, nor his grief, but the hatred he had tended to so carefully and for so very long. Thus it began, and thus it persisted in the centuries since:


Silence


I awoke on a stone floor to torturously slowly ebbing pain like a healing bruise somewhere deep inside me. Surprise, joy, expectation, caution, and the slightest touch of fear flowed out into the air and into me, wrapping themselves around my heart like they belonged.

The new wand had made warming up the cave for the visitor a breeze. He just had to make sure to get enough food to not kill himself with the casting, but that was why summoning spells were invented, he supposed. Even though it had already been hours with no sign of us waking up, he figured there was no reason to make us think him a bad host, dirty cave or not. If only he'd ever bothered to remember any good cleaning charms…

"Welcome back to the land of the living with the rest of us poor bastards," my voice worn rough from disuse said from off to my side. Only, it wasn't my voice. Only, it was. It was my voice, but it was also the voice of my mad, estranged cousin, and my best friend that had turned traitor, and that crazy convict I'd met in Azkaban, and…

"Who am I?" I asked to the air.

More surprise. The sound of shuffling drifted over from across the cave and my voice that wasn't rang out once more. "Figure you're about the right age to be asking that sort of question, so good on you." Amusement rang clear. "Honestly, I was hoping you'd be able to tell me. Even better, can you put me in contact with whoever wrote that ritual for you? They seem like a good sort to know."

"I'm…" Narci-Rem-Ro-Ton-Corne-Lun-Siri-Silence, "Hermione," I finally decided after far too much debate. "I'm Hermione Granger, I think. Mostly. And the ritual was mine. Mostly."

More surprise flowed into me to join the rest. "Well then, it's very nice to meet you, Miss Mostly Hermione Granger. I'm—"

"Sirius Black," I interrupted.

"Oh come on, Reggie, don't be like that!" Sirius prodded. "It's not like they're going to find out if we just listen in! We'll be quiet!"

Reggie scoffed. "Mother always finds out. Always. And I, for one, am not some bumbling Gryffindor. When I see a sleeping dragon, I simply choose not to poke it."

"You're boring."

"And you're mad."

He paused thoughtfully. "You're startlingly calm for someone all alone with a deranged mass murderer."

"You're not a murderer," I said absentmindedly while I tried to come to grips with the stream of memories that I was slowly coming to accept might not be mine. "Not until you find Peter, anyway."

It wasn't surprise in the air this time, but full-on shock. "You… are remarkably well-informed." There was the crunch of dirt and glass underfoot as Sirius walked over to kneel beside me, giving me a distinct taste of his open curiosity. "If I hadn't already checked you for any sort of transfiguration, we'd be having a very different conversation right now. Still opportunity for that, though. Day's still young. If you want, though, this can be a nice pleasant chat. You're just going to answer a few questions first, and none of that 'maybe' nonsense. Got it?"

Sirius sat down at the heavy interrogation table with a heavier sigh. "Look, Tobias. I believe you didn't do it. Really, I do. I know Death Eaters, and you just aren't made of that sort of stuff. My partner though? He's a sceptic. So, while he's out there and I'm in here, let's have ourselves a chat, you and I. Nice and pleasant. Just answer a few questions for me, best as you can, and we'll all be at the pub laughing about the misunderstanding by lunch. Got it?"

It may have been the oldest interrogation trick in the book, but it was in there for a damn good reason. Easy as anything, though Sirius had to hide the smug look that wanted to cross his face when the wannabe Death Eater nodded eagerly.

Boiling anger flooded the air. "And I don't know what you're doing, but you're going to cut it out right now!"

"Got it." The anger fled in an instant, and I tried to sit up. 'Tried' being the operative word. My body didn't seem to want to listen to my commands. Worse, that deeper-than-bone pain made itself known with every motion. I ended up having to do it in stages; first to my side, then curling up, then wrangling both arms to lift me into a slouch.

"Good. So, couple of questions. Take 'em in any order you like." There was determination, caution, and slight impatience; even his voice contained a trace of steel. "Who are you, really? What the hell was that ritual out in the woods? How are you alive after you snogged a dementor? How do you know so much about me?" He paused. "Oh, and why haven't you opened your eyes yet?"

I opened my mouth to answer before Sirius' final question processed. My eyes? Weren't… why hadn't I opened them? It wasn't like I could see, for all that the thick emotion wafting off Sirius in waves gave me a good idea of where he was. Not that I needed to look at his face to read him, but normally opening my eyes when I woke was just… automatic. Instinctual. An instinct, it seemed, that had been removed entirely.

Realising this, I opened my eyes only to snap them shut as I realised the world was too bright to see. I pawed around my head for my enchanted hairpin, tossed it aside, and then tried again. The darkness of the cave was much more manageable, finally allowing me a proper look at Sirius Black. He was gaunt, though that word seemed like an understatement. It was more like he was a skeleton just barely covered in his own skin. He looked almost like the younger dementors—maybe up to thirty spans old—tended to. That was telling on its own. His teeth were nightmarish in a way that I knew once would have made the dentist's daughter in me feel something but just didn't. He probably would have been intimidating to anyone else. Anything else, really. Even his eyes were set deep in his skull though they seemed to be widening in shock I couldn't feel.

"Well, aren't you something?" Sirius said as the surprise finally made its way over to me.

"What?" In lieu of an answer, he pulled out Hermione's wand (my wand) and conjured a mirror. I took it from him slowly, Sirius' earlier caution welling up in me as something like an emotion of my own.

My skin was horribly pale, only just on the right side of a corpse. My hair seemed to have darkened a shade too. Then my examination got to my eyes, and Sirius' shock burst forth in my mind. The iris was pitch-black and the sclera seemed to have gone a deep grey, blood vessels standing out in stark relief at the edges. Even around them, the skin had darkened like I'd gone far, far too long without sleep.

"That doesn't look healthy," I finally managed once Sirius'-turned-my surprise finally faded.

He snorted. "Neither's kissing dementors. I'd say you got lucky. Speaking of, I believe you were about to answer some questions." Sirius searched my face for a moment and sighed. "How about this: you seem a bit out of it, so we'll take them one at a time. Who are you, really? No points for partial answers."

"My name's Hermione Granger," I said, more confidently this time. Though, that wasn't quite right, was it? He'd asked for complete answers, and Sirius was trustworthy enough. We seemed to want the same things, at least. "My name's also Silence. I'm a muggleborn witch attending Hogwarts and… a dementor charged with guarding Hogwarts."

Suddenly, I remembered the Minister coming to Azkaban with stress and terror radiating off of him in waves to take a cohort of us to the school. We were charged with finding the escaped convict and allowed to subsume him utterly should we manage it. Not that we needed convincing. Every human that left our halls was an insult, and every subsummation an opportunity. I… Silence, however, needed to be at Hogwarts for reasons of its own. To take the essence from even one more human would be its end, but it had plucked at the slowly-dimming strings of what would be enough to know that Hogwarts represented an opportunity for whichever spirit was clever and desperate enough to claim it.

Sirius' voice pulled me out of the memory. "So, which is it? Are you a student or a dementor?"

"Both," we answered, but it sounded wrong. "Neither. It's complicated."

By the annoyance writ plain across his face that stalled in making its way to me, it seemed that he liked my answer about as much as I did. "What are you, then?"

"Something new," I answered after a long moment to think. "That's what the ritual you saw was. We merged a dementor and a human to make something entirely new."

"We?"

"Silence and Hermione. Me. Us. Sorry, it's a bit confusing. The spell's… not really finished. We agreed to take the process slowly." It was at once both familiar and alien how very numb I felt recounting it; I recited the facts like raising my hand in class, only without the pride.

Sirius scratched at the patchy mats on his chin, seemingly processing that for a second. "You're a slowly growing demonic hybrid, then. I think I understand that well enough to go off of. Now, if you don't mind my asking—or even if you do, I'm the one with the wand here—what the hell would convince you to do that? Looking for revenge on your teachers? Puberty get the emotions going too much and you thought you'd just chop them out? If so, there are easier ways, you know. Hex someone's robes, or just get laid. Whichever fits. Really, anything's gotta be a better choice than ritually melding yourself to a bloody dementor!"

"I was dying," I said simply, because I didn't have any of the right emotions to call upon in order to say it any other way.

That gave him pause. "No shit?" he asked.

"Progressive Thaumeal Inversion and Chronic Thalergenic Shock," I recited. "All the books and all my healers gave me a year to live."

Sirius sucked a breath in through rotted teeth and rolled back from his crouch to take a seat with his arms resting on his knees, though the wand still stood conspicuously ready. "How old are you? The human bit. Couldn't give less of a rat's arse about the dementor if I tried."

"Fourteen."

"Huh. Gonna be honest, that takes the wind out of my sails a bit. Think I'd feel bad if I kept threatening a fourteen-year-old dying girl." What little I could read from his face was conflicted. The scattered emotions I could only barely feel coming off of him seemed just as confused. "You said that ritual out there was your work?"

I debated lying to him about it, but I knew Sirius. I'd seen the worst day of his life. Not only that, but we really could help each other. I knew where Peter was, and he could get Harry away from the Dursleys. That merited a bit of trust.

"It wasn't all mine, exactly. I adapted it from a book I found in Black Manor," I finally said.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "And how'd you get in there?"

"I had a handkerchief with Draco Malfoy's blood on it—that's Narcissa's son—from when I broke his nose. I was able to trick the blood wards with it."

He looked me in the eye, saw that I was serious, and then broke out into full-fledged, slightly manic laughter that sent him rolling to the ground. His mirth bubbled up and around him, filling the air and pouring into my lungs. I closed my eyes to appreciate it properly only to feel Sirius' joy seem to kick up in intensity. I let myself revel in the feeling but noted the observation. It almost made sense. Dementors were blind, after all.

After a bizarrely long period where Sirius stopped, seemingly noticed something, and started back up again more than once, he finally recovered enough to talk. "Oh, I like you, kid. You're absolutely mad!"

"Trixie, listen. You know you're my favourite, right? But you have to know that you're stark raving mad for following him the way you do."

Bellatrix answered with a roll of her eyes. "Pot, meet kettle. I
know how you really feel about that blood traitor of yours. Pretend all you want. We're both Blacks in the end. That means something, whether you like it or not. The only difference is that I'm honest about it." She stopped to consider something. "Prettier, too."

"You wish," Sirius answered easily.

"Stop that!" Sirius yelled, and I opened my eyes to see my wand pressed to my neck. "Whatever that was, I told you to stop!"

His earlier surprise was paying off for me, letting me almost feel it like my own. "Sorry! It wasn't on purpose!" We stared at each other for a long while before he finally calmed down enough to lower the wand. "Sorry," I said again.

Sirius let out a sigh. "What was that, anyway? Gave me goosebumps."

"A memory." It was more than that, a flow of emotion and thought and history like a sixth or seventh sense I almost couldn't imagine being without, but for once I was lost for words trying to describe it.

"Is that how you know so much about me?"

I nodded slowly. "Sort of. Dementors don't talk with words, really. They do it with memories. Silence had a lot to say before we woke up, and some of the memories were of you."

"Any standouts?" he asked.

"The er…" I debated how much to tell the clearly unstable man next to me for a moment. At the least, I needed to phrase it delicately. "My ritual and… And the day that Harry's parents died."

My wand creaked under his grip. Sirius scowled, but then seemed to get a hold of himself. It was quiet for a minute before something seemed to occur to him. All his other confused emotions dissipated from the air in an instant, replaced by a steely focus on his face. "Do you know Harry?"

"He's one of my best friends," I answered honestly.

"Really?" Slowly, anticipation began to waft over to me.

I nodded. "Ever since he saved my life from a troll in our first year."

"Ha! That's Jamie's son, alright!" Amusement and nostalgia rolled off of him as he went quiet for a moment, emotions slowly turning more melancholy. "How is he? Harry, I mean. I've been trying to check up on him, but it's not exactly been easy."

I considered lying to spare his feelings for all of a second before dismissing the idea outright. "He's doing the best he can, considering."

"Considering?" The laser focus returned.

"Well, in our first year, Voldemort possessed one of the teachers, and I'm pretty sure Dumbledore set it up so that Harry had to fight him. In second year, Voldemort possessed me, and nobody realised until almost too late. That's why I was dying, by the way." Sirius' earlier cheer and melancholy threatened to overtake me at the word 'was', but I dismissed it. There'd be time for that later. "Now this year he's got a dying best friend, dementors making him relive the worst night of his life, and he thinks the man responsible for that night is hunting him down."

Sirius absorbed every word with slowly widening eyes and muted surprise. It probably should have been gratifying to finally be telling an adult the truth about everything, but the whole thing just rang hollow. Numb.

"Honestly," I finished, "he could probably do with an adult who cares."

"What about Lily's folks?" he asked.

I was pretty sure I'd have felt guilty for my next words if I had the capacity to. Maybe I'd have managed it if Sirius had actually felt bad about threatening a teenager earlier. "We don't talk about them."

He processed that for a second, then got up to pace as he processed it some more. It seemed like he didn't even notice as the wand he flicked about absentmindedly sent out sparks that grew increasingly more frequent. I was pretty sure his agitation would have been palpable even if I wasn't the sort of thing I was, but as it stood I could have cut it with a knife. Finally, he stopped and turned to me.

"This is the rat's fault," Sirius decided.

I nodded. "Yes, it is."

"I'm going to kill him."

"No, you're not."

He blinked, and his emotions went carefully blank. "Apologies, I must have misheard you, because what I thought I heard was you saying you were going to somehow stop me from ridding the world of that filth, and that just can't be right. If you really had seen my memories, you'd know better. Really, it won't even be that hard. Just get me into the castle, and I'll find him myself. Won't even need your wand! I've got a nice, sharp knife with his name on it, see?"

Sirius reached to his side to unsheathe a foot-long knife and show it to me. It caught the light in a way that made it hard to see, but I could just barely make out the words 'Peter Pettigrew' carved into one side of the blade and 'Rat Bastard' carved into the other. I meant to continue pushing my actual point, I really did, but…

"Did you use my wand to do that?" Those words hadn't been there on New Year's Eve.

"Oh yes," he said, emanating something like pride.

"I…" Curiosity alone made me want to continue the line of inquiry, but an errant thought about pigeons and chess boards had me dismiss it. I didn't care enough to pursue. "Just… nevermind that. You can't kill Pettigrew, Sirius. Think about it."

I didn't even need to close my eyes to feel the full blast of anger and fury, it was so intense. "Hermione, was it?" he asked with a calm at odds to the heat radiating off of him. I nodded. "Well, Hermione, you seem a clever enough sort, so I feel like I shouldn't need to explain to you that I have thought about it. In fact, I have thought about little else save for how it would feel to kill this traitor for twelve sodding years!" His scream echoed through the cave and out into the countryside. The question of why he was so far away from Hogsmeade suddenly became perfectly clear.

He came close then and kneeled right in front of me once more, putting his face up to mine. "Twelve years in Azkaban. Do you have any idea what that's like? Oh, you may think you know, but you really have no idea. The only happy thought I had—the only thing keeping me sane—was the thought that I was innocent and that the killer was dead. Everyone had been turned against me, even little Harry; even my godson. I could stand it, though, because I was innocent, and the traitor was dead. Except I'm not that lucky, am I?" Sirius took a deep breath, but the anger didn't abate. "So you're going to give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill the man who ruined everything. Then, when I decide it's not good enough, you're going to help me do it."

"And if I don't?" I was bluffing, but I needed to see where his head was at if I was going to convince him of anything.

Sirius sprouted a mirthless grin in response. "Then we'll find out if I can still cast the patronus." The shudder didn't come from me, but it was mine anyway. Something instinctual told me that I truly did not want to see if he was bluffing. "Might feel bad about hurting the teenage girl, but the dementor? Not so much. So," he said. "Five words or less. Give me something good."

The word count was probably the cruellest part. The Hermione-I-was echoed a bit of Sirius' indignation at the thought, but it was more muted than I expected. It was the fault of the slowly growing part of me that was Silence, I supposed. At least the numbness helped. As it was, it only took me a few seconds to come up with an answer that Sirius would accept.

"Because Harry needs you."

He stared deep into my eyes for several long moments, then scowled as the edge fell off of the anger. "Using my memories to know me is cheating, but fine. Explain."

"Harry needs his godfather more than he needs vengeance for his parents, and you can't be the parent he needs if you kill the only proof of your innocence." Without fear to bring me pause, the words came easily.

His scowl deepened. "You can vouch for me, and Dumbledore might be willing to hear me out."

"I've been Cornelius." I stopped myself. The statement was right, but it didn't really explain the point well to anyone but myself. "Or, I mean, I've been in Fudge's head. He thinks his career's on the line. He thinks Britain's on the line. Unless you have some solid evidence, he's not even going to hesitate before subsuming your…" No, wrong. That wasn't the expression people knew. "Before giving you the Kiss. But, if Pettigrew's captured alive…"

"They can interrogate him," he finished, then stood up and started wandering around once more. He muttered as he paced for a time, and the agitation in every move only seemed to grow. Eventually, Sirius stopped and threw his hands up into the air. "Fine. Fine! He belongs in the ground, but Azkaban's good enough; got to be good enough. Just don't expect me to be happy about it."

We both froze in our tracks at the sound of something moving outside the mouth of the cave. I closed my eyes to get a feel for our intruder, but we couldn't detect anything over the mess flowing out of Sirius. Trying only seemed to make my headache worse. That was something I'd need to work on. If I couldn't properly see when someone was being moody, being around Harry'd strike me blind every time.

"Oh, it's you," Sirius said as all the alarm left him. "Your human's up. I can see why you like her."

I opened my eyes to see Crookshanks giving Sirius a strange look before he padded up and placed himself on my lap like he belonged. Stolen joy burst up and put a smile on my face as I started running a hand down Crooks' fur. "His name is Crookshanks, by the way." Earlier aggression filtered through me as annoyance, and I shot Sirius a look of my own. "And he is not ugly."

"You'd be the mother, then," he deadpanned. "He's clever, whatever he's named. Has a good sense of people, too. The fact that he likes you is pretty much the only reason I'm willing to trust you at all." Sirius gave the two of us an appraising look. "I've had him searching the castle for the rat. Now I know his human's in the same house as the traitor, I'm wondering what his excuse for not catching him is."

Now that recontextualised some things. "My fault, actually. Ron was worried about Scabbers, so I taught him a paling to keep cats out of the dorms and rats inside."

"If your palings are half as good as your unholy midnight unions, then that means he's trapped." Approval tinted his voice.

I nodded. "I wasn't the one who's been casting it, but yes, I think so. Unless he turns human, but even then Harry's got your map."

Another long sigh breathed out yet more melancholy. "I suppose that's only fitting. So!" He clapped his hands together. "Sounds like we've got a plan! You go back to Hogwarts and talk to Moony and Dumbledore—how is Moony, by the way? Any idea?"

"Very lonely," I said blankly. It wasn't worth sifting through stolen emotions to try to feel any sort of way about it.

A potent mix of regret and grief wafted over for the first time, and I drank it in eagerly. It was… heady. It felt like it had a bit of substance to it, like meat and potatoes. I closed my eyes to appreciate it, and—

"You don't know what it's like, Sirius!"

Sirius huffed. "Try me."

"I'm…" Remus hesitated for a moment before finally deciding to dive in. "I'm a monster."

"Right."

Moony snarled. "I mean it, Sirius! I'm scared of myself! I have to be! If I'm not, then I'll get careless, and not even you and James will be enough to rein me in! I could hurt people, and I can't control it." His snarl turned hollow. "And every day I live in fear that I might hurt one of you three, too."

"Uh-huh," Sirius drawled, earning an aggravated eye-roll.

"Can you not be an arse for once in your life, Pads? I'm being genuine here!"

"You think I'm not?" He quirked his mouth into the lazy, confident grin he knew Moony wished he hated. "You're wrong, by the way."

Remus reeled back. "You've got to be joking. I'm wrong about how I feel? "

"Now you're just being thick. You said I don't know what it's like. Now you've been so helpful as to describe it, I can confidently say that you're absolutely full of yourself." Sirius snorted with a shake of his head. "Come on, Moony. You know me better than just about anyone. You know how I think. Do you really believe that I don't feel like that all the time?"

"It's not the same," Remus tried.

Sirius gave a sideways nod in response. "You're right. It's not the same. You've got to worry about it one night a month with people who can handle you. Me, though? I have to think about it every day. Is today the day I do something you finally can't abide for reasons I can't even imagine? Is today the day I show you some new bit of me that scares you all off? I know I'm crazy. Scary, even. Really, I do. It just means I get to spend every moment looking out for the lines that normal people put in the weirdest fucking places, because I'm pretty sure scaring you all away would literally kill me."

"You don't have to worry about that with us," Remus responded instantly, always so quick to reassure.

Sirius let out an honest laugh. "That's my point. Neither do you."

"I don't think it works like that, though."

"Nope. Doesn't mean it's not stupid."

That was… I could get used to that. Suddenly I remembered why Azkaban was the way it was. I bet if I kept my eyes screwed shut and got Silence to push it just a touch, then Hermione could see

"I'm gonna forgive that one just this once," Sirius snapped me out of my delirium, "but only because you're looking out for Harry. More than I am, apparently."

"Sorry," I said, and for the first time in the conversation I was able to actually mean it.

He turned around to face me, and my opened eyes meant that I saw more than felt the determination etched on every part of Sirius' body. "So, as I was saying. You talk to Moony and Dumbledore. I'll hide out in the grounds. Tell them about Wormtail, arrest him, and then come pull me out of the cold. Teary reunions and figuring out what's wrong with Lily's folks can come after that."

"I'm not sure that Professor Lupin or Dumbledore trust me enough to go harass my friend's pet on my word." Especially if Sirius was right about Dumbledore's connection to old magic and he could feel how I was different. Besides that, over just two years he'd let Voldemort, Lockhart, and a basilisk all run around unchecked, though I couldn't quite decide which of those was more damaging. Leaving Pettigrew to his own devices would be just like him. "It's not like I can say I met you."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Honestly, it's like you've never lied to a teacher before. Just tell them you have reason to suspect poor Scabbers might be an animagus and that you're worried about your friend. If Moony's there, he'll be on it in an instant."

"How will they be able to tell?" I would have been embarrassed at the gap in my knowledge once. Eager to fill it, too. Now I just noted it as a fact. There was a hole; it needed filling. Grief at the loss came easily.

"There's an obscure little spell for transforming an animagus back that they teach aurors," Sirius said, wrapped up in his own head and oblivious to my turmoil. "Well, there's multiple that work, but we won the war on the Cruciatus being legal, so they'll probably just cast the one. A shame in this case. He'd deserve it."

I weighed it all in my head for a moment. Sure, I trusted Sirius to be earnestly himself—a person I was quickly coming to know rather well—but his judgement was another thing entirely. Between Narcissa's and Remus' thoughts on him, his Halloween trip into Gryffindor tower, and the knife he might as well have carved 'evidence' and 'premeditated' into, I had more than enough reason to give any plan of his a second thought. It seemed simple enough though, and I understood working together with someone you barely knew out of desperation well enough.

"Deal," I finally decided.

A wide, unfortunately toothy smile spread across Sirius' face. "Perfect! No time to waste. Just follow ol' Uncle Padfoot, and we'll be back at the castle in no time!"

He shifted to dog form and bounded out to the mouth of the cave. Crookshanks got up to follow. For my part, I braced myself, took a deep breath, and started trying to stand. That slow-fading dissonant pain came back with a vengeance as I clumsily tried to put my carelessly disobedient feet under me. Dispassionately, I noted that the pain wasn't physical, though that might have been easier to deal with. It almost seemed as if was beyond me yet still contained with me entirely. The sensation took me most of the arduous task of standing to place.

It was my magic. My thaumic centre. My soul, if one cared to be dramatic. It made sense. Lingering aches and disorientation were a normal part of recovery after an invasive surgery, and I couldn't think of anything more invasive than grafting two beings together. Honestly, I probably should have been resting.

Sirius' stolen joy coursed through me even despite the unpleasantness, consuming my stores of it in one burst. This development had to be an improvement. Thaumeal Inversion was a painless process on its own, and whatever this was was most assuredly not. It was different. I had to take that as a good sign. Anything different would be an improvement over a slow march to inevitability. And, well, defying the inevitable was always going to hurt. It would be naive to think anything else.

It took at least three aborted tries before I finally managed to use the cave wall as a support to get to my feet. I stumbled out to the mouth of the cave only to be met with startling amounts of blinding light; far, far too much to see through. It didn't hurt, but I could only just make out my hand a foot in front of my face. Only then did I realise just how dark the cave had been. I closed my eyes with a sigh to lapse into Silence's senses, only to be met with nothing once more.

"Sirius?" I asked into the air. Frankly, I should have seen something like this coming. My eyes changing was a fairly distinctive clue

With the distinctive noise of an animagus transforming, the now-familiar mess of emotions that made up Sirius bloomed into my senses once again. "Something wrong?"

"It's too bright. I can't see. I can't feel you in your animagus, either."

Curiosity and amusement drifted over. They were both light and airy, I noted. Nothing I could subsist on, but worth having all the same. "Can't feel me?"

"Dementor, Sirius," I said in lieu of an answer.

"Knew it," he said. Pride flushed through him, almost sickly sweet. "I had a theory that dementors had trouble with animals. They've got simpler emotions. Probably applies to whatever you are. Here, try this." There was the sound of rustling and a swell of magic, and then Sirius pressed something metal into my hands. I felt around it for a moment to figure out what it was.

"Are these… glasses?"

"Sunglasses," he preened.

My newfound pride rose up to complain. "Wouldn't a darkening charm be easier?"

"If hiding your eyes isn't good enough, you can cast it, then." He pressed my wand into my free hand. I opened my mouth to tell him about my condition, but I'd made a fairly significant change recently. It was worth a try.

"Tenebrum," I incanted with a far-too-clumsy wave. Between being out of practise and my malfunctioning body, it took far too long before I felt the agonising pull on my centre telling me that the spell had been cast. Even then, I opened my eyes to see that nothing had changed. It seemed my magic was still anaemic. I pushed the wand into the first part of Sirius' body I could find—his shoulder—and he took it back. "Keep it."

The now-familiar mix of curiosity and surprise filled the space between us once more. "Most witches are a bit more attached to their wands, you know."

"Most witches don't have a condition that makes them obligate ritualists." I punctuated my statement by putting on Sirius' ridiculous sunglasses. They helped, to my stolen annoyance. With them on, things were dark enough that I could actually see if I squinted, though it was still a bit dim.

As Sirius transfigured back into Padfoot and led Crookshanks and I down the mountain, I took one look at the near-blindingly bright snow and my complete lack of peripheral vision and decided I'd need to enchant a solution for myself. Something like the hairpin I already had, just inverted. Not being able to sense my companions was disorienting enough. Adding situational blindness would just be the worst of both worlds. I spent most of the walk designing a new enchantment in my head, even if only as a way to ignore the pain of moving.

The winter air was cold, of course. Not that that meant anything. I only actually realised it once the wind kicked up and left Sirius shivering. It made sense. Humans were awful at dealing with the cold, but dementors were anything but. Whether that manifested in me as an actual resistance or an extension of deadened human senses remained to be seen. Either way, I quickly unbuttoned my cloak to swing it over Sirius. Frostbite or its absence would tell me which it was one way or another. It wasn't like I'd care either way without help.

The distant Hogwarts grew larger and larger, matched only by the growing sense of buzzing magic. I was sensitive to it like a broken bone was sensitive to air; a pressing awareness of a thousand signals all screaming that something was wrong. Each step forward compounded with the disorientation I was already feeling to create a uniquely terrible experience.

The iron gates swung shut as Sirius and I approached, leaving me practically buzzing at the sensation. He moved to travel along the walls as if to loop in via the forest or show me some secret entrance, but I stayed put. Gates were almost purely symbolic in a world of flying brooms, after all. No, I could feel the weight of Hogwarts' attention looking me over and judging me silently. The magic felt conflicted as it rubbed against my own, though it was a flavourless emotion without a human attached to it.

"I'm Hermione Granger. You know me. I'm one of your students," I spoke to the air, then slowly raised a hand to the invisible force surrounding the gate. The magic underneath my fingers thrummed for a long moment before piercing pain erupted along my arm. I flinched back several steps with a hiss.

Once the pain subsided to something manageable and I was able to do something other than cling onto my arm and try to breathe, I caught Sirius giving me a strange look. "Hogwarts is warded to keep dementors out," I explained, "and I told you already. We're not quite what we're going to be. We're still most of a dementor and most of a girl. Dementor enough for Hogwarts to be worried about us, at least."

The castle did seem to feel sorry, to its credit. Even though it had all but come out and told me to do what I needed to in order to survive, it seemed Hogwarts' kindness only went so far. It still had to follow the orders of its master. "You should find somewhere warm to hide. Someone will probably be by to investigate soon. Hogwarts will probably make sure of it." Sirius gave me a once-over, an oddly convincing shrug for a caniform, then darted off along the walls and out of view. For his part, Crookshanks pawed at my pants until a half-remembered reflex had me gingerly reach down and pick him up, cradling him to my chest.

I closed my eyes and settled in to wait. It only took a few minutes before I started picking up traces of bright curiosity and thick despair approaching from beyond the gate. They weren't far, though almost certainly further than I could have seen with my eyes as they were.

Hagrid set tea out for himself and the two young boys across from him. He was trying to hold together for their sakes, but the tears were damn near impossible to hold in. "It's horrible is what it is. All this with poor ol' Buckbeak, now Hermione goes missin' with a killer on the loose. I keep thinkin' somethin' awful might happen to her."

Harry was silent, the poor lad, but Ron spoke up. "I mean, it's Hermione. She'll be fine, right Harry?"

"She better be," he grumbled in response.

Hagrid didn't notice Harry flinch as he reached out to give both students a firm pat on the shoulder, but we did.

I snapped my eyes open and the memory dimmed to nothing. "Hagrid?" I called out. "Hagrid, it's Hermione! I'm at the gate!"

The sound of heavy footsteps on snow broke into a run before Hagrid's bearded face appeared between the bars of the gate. "Hermione? Is that you?"

"It's me, Hagrid."

"Two days yeh've bin missin'! Snape's been tellin' people you were dead!" The relief in his voice and the air were both palpable.

I grimaced. Sirius had neglected to mention that particular detail. Luckily, he'd at least left me with more than enough anger to direct a bout of annoyance in his general direction. "I've been unconscious for most of it. Crookshanks made sure I was taken care of, though, isn't that right?" Crookshanks preened as I scratched him between the ears in a half-remembered reflex to reassure Hagrid. "I'd like to tell Dumbledore about it, only…" I gestured at the gate.

"Righ'! Yeh must be freezin' out there." Hagrid produced a keyring from one of his coat's many pockets and started sorting through them. "Mus' be some story to have you out in all this without a coat." It only took him a few more moments to find a grand-looking key I couldn't quite see properly in the light and stick it in the gate. He turned it with a heavy 'thunk' and pulled, but it didn't budge.

He tried a few more times, adding a bit more of his weight with each pull, before I decided to help him out. "I think it's the wards. They might be acting up with all the dementors about." I noted that I'd barely touched Sirius' regret, which meant I got to feel the full weight of lying to Hagrid.

"Migh' be," he grumbled as he shoved his keyring back in his pocket. "They've been actin' ruddy weird lately, I'll tell yeh that." Hagrid heaved a sigh. "Stay here, then. I'll go fetch the Headmaster. He'll know what to do."

"There's no need for that," a voice called out, and Dumbledore strode into view with Professor Snape in tow. I couldn't help but wonder how long he'd been standing just around the corner. "I'll take it from here. Thank you, Hagrid."

"Course. Er, here. Yeh migh' want this," Hagrid said, and started to remove his coat.

I waved him off. "You really don't need to do that. I'll be fine. Thank you." He gave me a wary look, but quickly accepted it and departed after a quiet affirmation from the Headmaster. I couldn't help but watch him as he went, memories of the roar of Sirius' motorcycle echoing through my mind. Eventually he rounded out of view, leaving me alone with Dumbledore and Professor Snape. I let my eyes drift shut. They wouldn't be able to tell with Sirius' ridiculous sunglasses on, and I was not going to have this conversation half-blind.

The tangle of emotions slammed into me full-force from both figures. Professor Snape's were easier to make sense of: Anger and disappointment. That was curious. I didn't know he had any expectations of me to fail to live up to. If he had, he'd certainly never told me about them. Dumbledore's were more complicated. Anger, sorrow, regret, disappointment, and something else I didn't even recognise were knotted up so tightly that I could only just start to make sense of them.

Though, the emotions from both of them felt… hollow somehow. They didn't flow into me like Sirius' or Hagrid's had. It was as if they were locked behind glass for me to see but not touch. I wouldn't be able to make use of them; wouldn't be able to repurpose them for my own. Still, awareness was enough to navigate the conversation, even if I wouldn't be able to use the two professors to help me feel.

"Oh Hermione," Dumbledore finally said, and sorrow laced every syllable. "What have you done?"
 
And with that, we finally get the name of the other half of our protagonist, after approximately so many words of characterization. Looking forward to getting to write it a bit more transparently from here on. That said, I can only hope y'all enjoy the chapter enough to justify my apparent cliffhanger addiction.
 
Man, everyone's really disappointed Hermione didn't croak. Did they pay for the flowers for the funeral already or something?
 
Man, everyone's really disappointed Hermione didn't croak. Did they pay for the flowers for the funeral already or something?

She was supposed to tragically die to motivate Harry to fight Voldemort! Now she's gone and ruined it by becoming some kind of dark magical being - her diet is still very much in question after all. Can she survive by tasting the emotions and memories of people around her, or does she need to eat? That... will be a problem.
 
Back
Top