Assassin of Black returned to the castle, weary and exhausted. It had been a long day, and why wouldn't it be? Life had always had a habit of giving him trials to deal with. Cleaning up after his father. Cleaning up after his friends. Cleaning up after Achilles. Cleaning up after Agammemnon. Cleaning up after Achilles again. Cleaning up after Odysseus. Cleaning up after Aphrodite and her ludicrous spite.
He wound up on top, he always did, but it never got any less tiring to deal with.
And now not only had he finally been presented an opportunity to release his pent up resentment against Achilles, he found even that small consolation spoiled by not one, but two, interfering parties.
The Saber he could understand. Legendary Hero of the Sword against an Assassin of all things. Were he anyone else Diomedes doubted anyone could have done a better job under similar constraints. He doubted even that Legendary Samurai could do any better.
No, the one that truly ground on his nerves was that old man, that Adjudicator.
Dark, dank castle walls lined with torches filled his vision. Pleasant, relaxing music echoed through the corridors, reaching his ears. Assassin of Black sighed at his lot in life, and made way towards the throne room, where his ostensible commander awaited.
"My Lord, I have returned from my scouting mission."
"Iz zat right?" A tinny voice echoed, high pitched and filled with petulant authority, "Report, Assassin." A stubby arm lifted itself, gesturing in an attempt at being imposing.
"I had penetrated the base of operations for the Red Faction, and after incapacitating the two Servants present, attempt to assassinate the three Masters that were left vulnerable."
"The Rider we nose of, who waz ze second?"
"Archer, although I could not discern their identity."
"Wouldz yu say that zey are a match for our own?"
Diomedes paused, raising his head to stare at his liege, "Our own?" He asked, hesitant, "Who has answered the calls as our Archer?"
The imposing figure gestured forth, tossing back dark hair from her rounded features, "Come! Introduce yourselvez."
"Yes!" An entirely too chipper voice responded, "Right away, Onee-sama!"
Assassin of Black tilted his head, confused, "I'm sorry?"
"Not as sorry as I am, buddy." Came the reply of a voice that was far too masculine and tired.
Humming, a figure bounded forth from the shadows next to the stone throne before Diomedes eyes. Wearing a white dress, with equally pale hair, the woman approaching Assassin wore a content smile that was entirely at odds with the atmosphere of their surroundings. But the ever observant Warrior King looked further, noticing that as she stepped further into the light the hem of the woman's dress was not white, but became progressively stained more crimson. As he got a closer look at her, he noticed that the edges of the woman's…generously sized breastplate were stained a blood red.
Hanging behind her was an immaculately carved crescent of bone, with red sinew seeming to connect it to her back. She giggled, an innocent, bloodcurdling sound. And the glow of starlight drew Assassin's notice to the teddy bear that clung to the woman's white hair, seven lights arranged in a familiar shape, and the Lord of the War Cry tasted horror for the first time.
"It can't be…Lord Orion?!" Diomedes gasped, thunderstruck.
"Yeah," The Hunter muttered, "That's me."
"What…what has happened to you?!" The Assassin muttered, looking up the state of his fellow hero.
"My summoning got hijacked by a certain someone, so now I'm stuck like this."
An innocent giggle trilled through the otherwise dead chamber, "I couldn't just leave him alone to get hurt again, you see!"
"Yez…" The true leader of Black Faction muttered, "I haz often wondered if I shoulda done something similar myselv…"
Diomedes eyes widened, his pupils dilating in shock as realization struck, "You must be…Lady Artemis?!"
She waved in response before giggling once again, "Oh it's so nice to meet you! I had always wondered what it would be like for me and Onee-sama to go on a double date! And now we have a chance!"
Orion shot a look at Diomedes which could only be described as pleading.
"Itz a very appealing notion, My Sizter. But for now ve must focus on more prezzing matterz!" A short arm rose up, then down, in a chopping motion, "Assassin! Finish yer report~!"
"Yes, My Master." Inwardly he sighed, "After ambushing them the Priest, naming himself as the Fourth of the Burial Agency, Andrew Jackson, engaged me in battle."
"So you killed the Adjudicator? Good workz, I did not like Yahweh anyway, it iz good to…"
"Actually, My Master, I was beaten by him."
"What."
"Oh dear…" Artemis tutted, "Onee-sama is going to have another episode." The torches began to dim, dying out, "Come along, dear." Orion wordlessly buried himself into his partners hair in order to better defend himself from the fallout.
Diomedes gulped, the light having diminished so far that it was only his high rank in Clairvoyance that allowed him to witness the sheer rage etched on to the comically disproportionate features of his master.
"I was…beaten by him, My Master. For some reason, he possessed the ability to nullify the Palladium and-" In that moment a miniature rocket shot out from the throne, tackling Diomedes to the floor as it began screaming in an incoherent rage.
"ILLKILLHIMKILLHIMKILLHIMSTUPIDJERKYAHWEHTHINKINGSHESSOGOODBECAUSEHISSONDIDHISJOBRIGHTILLKILLTHATSTUPIDOLDBEARDEDBASTARD!!!"
"Umm, I'm sorry Lady, he was quite strong and-" A soft sounded echoed through the chamber as a stubbed arm slapped Assassin in the face.
"SHUT UP! STUPID DIOMEDES! HOW DARE YOU GET BEATEN BY SOMEONE ELSE!"
"But, you know how the members of the Church are, and Yahweh's followers still rely on his strength even now, despite his power as a Divine Spirit being diminished…"
"I DON'T CARE! YOU DIDNT LET THAT STOP YOU FROM BEATING UP HECTOR DID YOU?!"
Diomedes paused, thinking back to lightning strikes and bright flashes of light, "Actually, I did…?"
He was slapped again for his cheek, as expected.
"Don't worry, Lady Athena, I'll get him next time for sure…"
"Cheating old fart…" The small, deformed figure of the Goddess of Wisdom pouted, "If I had been there I totally would have helped you win."
Smiling awkwardly, Diomedes rubbed the hair of his patron goddess as she buried her head into his stomach while mumbling petty thoughts of revenge and disproportionate murder against the Church and it's followers after winning this Grail War.
Well… Assassin of Black thought to himself, This is gonna be a long war.
"Hey." Athena muttered with an awkwardly loud sniffle, "Do yous wanna go with Artemis tonight?"
Diomedes looked away awkwardly, scratching his cheek, "…Maybe?"
A low growling made Diomedes acutely aware that for all the trouble he had when cleaning up after the messes of others, at the very least he was free of the overly clingy advances of his patron goddess most of the time.
Somewhere in the depths of Millennium Castle, Orion snickered.