PhDEevee
Mathematician and Questgiver
- Location
- Sydney
@redzonejoe: I like your vote's actions, but have issues with the tone.
For instance, the first part about her powers is kind of pretentious. It should be phrased more like Yui is clearing the air with full disclosure about knowing her powers.
Second, the backstabbing point needs to change its emphasis, because currently it reads as contemptuous of Konno. It should be more sympathetic and point out that it wrecks groups and gets people killed.
I'm also not terribly sure that the "All will fall to Yui in time" line will come off as you intend it to. You're aiming somewhere between terrifying and idealistic that's very hard to hit. It may come off as naive.
Edit: I should point out I'm not sure my vote works on the second point either. It's a hard point to make.
For instance, the first part about her powers is kind of pretentious. It should be phrased more like Yui is clearing the air with full disclosure about knowing her powers.
Second, the backstabbing point needs to change its emphasis, because currently it reads as contemptuous of Konno. It should be more sympathetic and point out that it wrecks groups and gets people killed.
I'm also not terribly sure that the "All will fall to Yui in time" line will come off as you intend it to. You're aiming somewhere between terrifying and idealistic that's very hard to hit. It may come off as naive.
Edit: I should point out I'm not sure my vote works on the second point either. It's a hard point to make.
Last edited: