Chapter 1.25
It turned out that Lucius had many questions. It took a while before he wrapped his mind around the situation but when he did he was working on full throttle. I had his complete attention.
"Severus...our mutual friend isn't exactly someone you can-."
I interrupted him, "Leave that to me. I'll be dealing with that."
Lucius frowned and stared at me for a good long while before he said, "What happened to you? You've changed, Severus. Perhaps not in a bad way but you've changed drastically."
My mind-voice ordered me to simply nod.
"Will you tell me?"
I matched his gaze with the same intensity and waited for a minute. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. Trying to game my only friend. To twist him to my purposes. I knew the alternative would be far more painful though. I couldn't risk stepping off this path. This one path that made sure nobody died for my selfish whims.
I couldn't let that happen.
When I finally saw him start to squirm I was told it was time to reply.
"I broke. Snapped. Went kaput in the head. Pick any of them. Then I came round again and found I had no more fucks to give."
I could tell he wanted to ask something but I continued, "Black tried to kill me at Hogwarts. Dumbledore wanted to laugh it off as a prank gone out of hand. I could have taken that, Lucius. I could have taken that no problem. There are plenty ways to get even with the bastard. What I couldn't take was him rewarding fucking Potter."
I felt my resentment and anger flaring back up again. Even just thinking about that moment made it all bubble back up again. Dumbledore's condescending expression would forever be etched in my mind.
That fucking half smile, half smirk, that danced around Black's lip was worse. If Potter had shown any indication beyond his own obvious horror at what had happened...Well, let's just say that Dumbledore's reflexes would the only thing between Black and a killing curse. I saw the pity in Lucius' gaze which snapped me back to the conversation.
"He tried to give out house points to Potter. He said I owed him a life-debt for the brave act of losing the nerve to kill me. And the old bastard said all of that with a fucking smile on his face."
Lucius tried to reach out of lay his hand on my arm but I pulled it back. I never was quite comfortable getting touched by people. I didn't care about anyone else doing that but Lucius means something to me. There's probably something deeply wrong with me. I wasn't unaware of that.
Thank god Lucius knew better than to push. Jesus Christ. He was a better friend than I deserved.
To cover the awkward moment I barreled through, "I lost it, Lucius. For a few moments I felt myself losing my grip on my sanity and I didn't care. I let it go and I saw everything. I saw gods fighting or fucking...I couldn't quite tell. Either way; the moment felt endless to me and when I gathered back the tattered remains of my psyche something more was there."
I fixated on the bridge of Lucius' nose when I continued, "And then I just knew I could see the future. As if some dam within me broke. I can see millions, billions, of different futures and I can pick whichever one I want."
Oh.
I firmly ignored the jab of pain lancing straight through me. For a brief moment I had hoped the path would let me confide in Lucius. That I could have one person who I could share this with. The fact that it didn't let me was worrying enough without considering the possible reasons. I couldn't accept the notion that he was untrustworthy. Could he perhaps not be able to keep the information safe?
Would the Dark Lord, or any else really, be able to simply rip it out of his mind?
God, I hoped so.
I didn't dare to ask the mind-voice and instead just obeyed it's command of silence.I expected him to gawk and wonder. I expected him to speculate about my supposed gift's limitations. I didn't expect the sheer rage I witnessed flashing across his expression.
Lucius leaned forward and almost snarled, "We can disappear them, Severus. Just say the word and they're gone! Even Dumbledore if need be!"
I cleared my throat - I most certainly wasn't choking down a sob – and gave him a watery smile.
"It's already settled, my friend. I reached for a future where I accidentally stumbled on one of Dumbledore's secrets and blackmailed him. I've got it handled for now."
I could see him deflate back into his seat but I could tell he still held on to his anger.
He softly whispered, "That's not good enough, Severus."
"It'll have to be. We have greater concerns." I held my tongue for exactly three seconds and said, "Like the deranged friend we have whose going to spell the death of our generation, Lucius. I'm not going to let that happen. Not when there are so many bright futures possible."
Lucius took a moment to regain his composure, downed his drink in one big gulp, and nearly broke the glass when he slammed it back on the table. Perhaps he hadn't quite succeeded at banishing his rage.
"I need to know, Severus. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you come to me?"
I looked down at my own drink, emptied it out as well and said, "I don't know. I guess I wanted to deal with it my-."
He interrupted me this time, "You stubborn bastard! Do you really think that little of me?"
Oh, that was just unfair and now he was just twisting the dagger further around in my guts. Gods damned it. Is this really necessary? Do I really need to do this? If the path wasn't urging me on I would have broken on the spot and spilled everything.
I glared at him to show my displeasure but he wasn't having any of it. We were locked in a staring match until Lucius gave up.
He deflated completely with a deep sigh and bit out, "Don't do that again."
I just nodded sharply.
Lucius stared at me for a moment before asking, "Are you sure we can fight him off?"
"No doubt. There are a little over fourteen million scenario's where I can just walk up to him and beat him head on. A thousand fold more possible futures where we can arrange for him to perish and wither. I'm partial to the one where I rip out his magic, wipe his memories, and sell him to muggles."
Lucius gaped at me for a little while, snapped his fingers again, and ordered us some more drinks. While we sat in silence I queried the mind-voice for the path to that specific scenario. A little over a hundred thousand steps. I fiddled with it while we waited for our drinks and managed to whittle it down to just under seventy five thousand. I didn't activate the path but I did keep it floating in the background.
When our drinks arrived Lucius asked me, "Alright. Tell me the plan."
We spent the rest of the afternoon laying out our next steps. Lucius was to report to Undersecretary Bagnold in the morning and I gave him a few notes I'd prepared. Just a short profile on the women that included her psychological hot buttons, her pet issues she cared an unreasonable amount for, as well as a list of what she thought of her other employees. Anything that was relevant to integrating ourselves in her faction.
While Lucius was rather impressed with it all I had the sneaking suspicion he might not have needed it. I didn't have the time to wait for Lucius to acclimatize himself to her office though. He needed to hit the ground running so we could proceed as rapidly as possible. The over arching plan was simple. We'd squeeze Minister Minchum for every last drop of usefulness before turning him on Crouch. When those two powerful factions exhausted themselves we'd swoop in with Bagnold.
"I think I have it all. Out of curiosity, Severus...how many different ways could this conversation have gone?"
It took everything I had to not flinch as I said, "Nothing but the truth would have worked. I could have gotten your cooperation but not..."
I trailed off and Lucius replied nodding, "But my heart wouldn't have been in it."
We both stood up and shook hands. Lucius went off to pay the bill and left afterward. I just collapsed back into my chair feeling like shite. This is what happens when I use the path irresponsibly. I felt like I'd erased Lucius' agency completely. I felt like I had chipped away him until only the version of him I needed remained.
I've always known I wasn't quite right. That I was willing to go too far for what I wanted. Lily thought so too. I just never thought I'd turn on my friend. Out of sheer pride and ego I caused all of this. I just had to impress a bunch of empty headed Slytherins. I just had to casually create something that was capable of tearing the world as we knew it apart.
And now I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Unacceptable. I tried my hardest to burn this very moment into my mind as a caution for what my rashness could cause me.
Never again.
