Metroid: Zero Missions At All

[TheOneMoiderah]

It was a groggy Monday morning, and nobody in the capital seemed happy to wake up. Even today, in a world of unparalleled advances in technology, space travel, and energy generation, there was a constant, burning, unrelenting hatred of the first workday of the week.

And it was on this day, that a certain ship lot captain proved just how miserable he was. "So...uh...your name is...?"

"Aran. Samus." The woman on the screen in front of him said, tersely. "I came to park my ship."

"Uh...huh." He leaned over to take a look at the ship, then at her. "...You sure you want to park it?"

"I'm completely sure." Samus said, tersely.

"...Uh..." His hesitation wasn't unfounded. The ship itself, hovering right in front of him, had several damaged engines. One of them was smoking, another was sputtering, and the other had stopped smoking and was now on fire. The windows in front were cracked, with one of them downright shattered completely. The entry portal on top was damaged, and as soon as he looked at it, it exploded with a flash of blue light. "...This thing isn't spaceworthy. Are you sure that you want to park it?"

"The ship can repair itself." Samus said.

He looked at it, then at her. "Uh...lady, that thing is about to explode. Unless you have, like, nanotech-"

"I do. Let me park the ship."

The man raised an eyebrow. "...I don't believe you."

"Well, that is the case." Samus tapped her finger on her dashboard. "Let me park my ship."

"If that thing explodes, we're liable to get sued if any of the other ships are damaged. There are plenty of really expensive things in here-"

"They're just things. Let me park my ship."

"Look, lady, I don't care who you think you are-"

"I know what I am." Samus interrupted. "What I am is 'irritated'. Let. Me. Park. My. Ship."

"I am not going to let you park your ship in here, when it could explode-"

"It has nanites. It can repair itself. My ship is Chozo-made. Let me park my ship."

"Don't you have some other place to park i-" She charged past the booth, and as soon as a barrier appeared in front, Samus simply charged through it. The solid light construct shattered on impact, as Samus rushed through the parking area and to an empty space.

The parking guard just stared at her in shock, before he quickly dialed something. "S-sir!"

His boss turned to look at him on the screen. "What is it?"

"I denied access to someone, and she just blasted right through the thing! Her ship is a hazard to everyone-!"

"Who is this woman?"

"Uh...Aran, I think." The man said.

His boss paused, before he brought a hand to his face and pinched his nose as tightly as he could. "...Oh."

"Uh...do you know this person?"

"...Samus is a very, very illustrious bounty hunter." He took a deep breath and sighed. "...What, couldn't you have just looked this up on Google?"

"I...uh...I could have." He shook his head. "But her ship was about to explode!"

"Not really." The man sighed. "...repairs itself. Has nanotech."

"Wait, she wasn't lying?!"

"Yup. And not only that, she's untouchable." The older man flicked the lip of his hat up. "...I do hope you have good speaking skills. The Galactic Federation might have a few questions to ask you later."

"W-wait, what?!"

"You may or may not have pissed off one of their greatest assets."

And with that, the parking guard's day just became a whole lot worse.

​

Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Mission START
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - So a bounty hunter walks into a bar.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Another bar scene. Samus is WASTED.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Orange Samus need Rocky Road. Badly
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - No Samus you can't leave jail yet.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Oh Maddie.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Leslie does the dumb.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Annnd Samus does social. Clean up aisle 2.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Samus inna park, with a kid. Ponytail talk.
Metroid: Zero Missions, At All - Killing Time and Wrangling Small Fry

A/N: This is going to be a series of barely connected snippets. It'll update whenever the fuck I feel like it.

Really, the idea that I had bouncing around is that Samus Aran was raised by what are basically giant Alien birds. Therefore, it would not be unreasonable to assume that her social skills aren't so much as "Fuckbad" as they are "Fuckbad and incomplete".

I'll just come back here whenever I have an idea that I think might be funny.

 

[TheOneMoiderah]

Samus heard a bird cawing, and immediately she shot her head up. She stood up and stumbled, before she inadvertently clothes-lined a man with a stray arm. "Shorry."

The poor man was unconscious.

She stumbled towards the bird, feet slamming against the ground far too loudly, as she giggled like a schoolgirl. "You remindsh me of someone."

The bird cawed in response.

"Heeeeeeere." Samus brought up a little bit of dried food out of her pocket. The bird stared at it for a second as Samus's hand wavered about wildly. It pecked once, before it made a light coughing sound and started flying off.

"YOU'RE WELCOME!" Samus shouted, before she started skipping away, only to trip over her own feet. She barreled into a man as he left the bar, immediately knocking him off of his feet. He fell over with a scream, before Samus recovered. "Oh, shish. Are you alrighty?!"

He grumbled as he stood up, teeth clenched and exposed. "You spilled my fucking beer!"

"Well you were holding iiiiiit." Samus said. "Snaught miy fault!"

"Bullshit!" The man said, as he balled his fist. "You fucking spilled my shit!" He ran forwards, fist raised, before he belted Samus across the face with a wild haymaker.

She just stood there for several seconds, before she spit onto the ground. Suddenly, her happy mood was gone, and she stopped her wild flailing. She stood above the man, showing off her actual height. "...You made a mishtake."

The man stared at her, then at his now-aching fist. "...oh....oh, fuck."

Samus cracked her knuckles as she just looked down at him, before she grabbed him by his collar, and then-

[=]​

"Oh, shit, and then she fucking threw him at a wall?" An officer laughed as she talked to her friend.

"Yeah! And the wall cracked open!" The man said. "Like, holy shit, look at this!" He moved his finger across a holographic screen. "She just fucking headbutted him, then she punched him through the wall!"

True to form, it showed Samus looking like she was doing the world's most awkward headbang, followed by her throwing the poor man into the air before punching him viciously in the stomach. "Holy shit. He's gonna be in the hospital for weeks after that."

"Yeah. I've never seen a beating so vicious!"

"You haven't seen Samus Aran." Both of them paused, before they quickly stood up and saluted their CO.

"C-Commander!" Both of them said.

"At ease." He said. "So...I see that Samus is in custody?"

"Yeah." One of them said. "She was subdued and arrested for assault charges, sir." As he mentioned that, the video showed her being hit with a small dart, before she fell to the ground, shaking. "Uh...yeah."

"...Great." The Commander sighed. "...More paperwork. Can't wait until we explain why Mr. Suposam can't walk for the next few weeks. Thanks for the information Rocko, Sam."

"Yes, sir." The both said, before they sat back down at their desk.

The man sighed, before he walked over to a nearby holding sell. True to form, Samus was there, dressed in a black tank top and shorts. She didn't seem to be doing anything in particular, and her clothing was held in a locked closet. "...It seems that it's a good thing that you rarely come to Earth, Aran."

Samus didn't say anything. Instead, she just nodded.

"...Uh...are you going to say something?" The man said. "Perhaps a defense for your actions?"

"I have none." Samus said. "I made a poor decision twice today. First was ramming a pirate ship, and the second was getting drunk." She said the line flatly.

"Well, at least you can admit fault, though your tone says very little about what you feel about it."

"My tone is unimportant, sir." She said. "...More importantly, when can I be released? My ship isn't to be spaceworthy for the next few days, and I would at least like to purchase some ice cream in the meantime."

"...Ice cream?"

"Rocky Road. It's crunchy and delicious."

"Uh...huh."

"I am allowed to like ice cream."

"I never said that you weren't, Samus."

 

[TheOneMoiderah]

[Space Magic]​

The next day, Samus was idly walking through a nearby park. She stared at the kids on the playground, idly watching as they goofed around and played with their parents. She took a deep breath and sighed, before she felt a light tug on her sleeve.

"Hm?" To her right was a small boy, easily around five. There was a gap in his front teeth, a bunch of freckles on his face, with a mat of brown hair on his head. "Is something the matter?"

"Are you Samus?" He asked.

Samus paused. She tilted her head at the boy, noticing that, yes, she was absolutely towering over him. She awkwardly shifted herself to a knee. "Yes, I am."

He grinned broadly. "Oh wow that's so cool! I met Samus!"

"Um...thank you?" Samus tilted her head.

"You killed the bad guys and you roam the galaxy and stuff and you shoot pirates!"

She noticed that he had a tiny little GF dogtag on his wrist, before noticing that his dad, who had a similar shade of hair and facial structure, also had it. She nodded slowly, realizing that perhaps her escapades around the galaxy did some good. "My name goes around, doesn't it?"

The little boy nodded rapidly.

"Well, what did you want to ask me?"

"Uh..." He paused, before he noticed something. Samus' ponytail swished about in the wind. It was combed to a bare minimum, unkempt and never cut. It would have easily reached down to her thigh. "...How does that fit in your armor?"

"My armor?" Samus said. "Well...if you really must ask..." She took a deep breath. "You see, whenever I activate a button on my upper chest region it glows a bright magenta at a very specifc wavelength. That wavelength is important, as it is the marking of a proper chozo device before the rest of my zero suit forms above it, followed soon after by the rest of my suit, which materializes using reality-warping nanomachines and nanites and nanobots, all of which were created in earnest by my Chozo friends and family. The Chozo are a race that raised me from after my biological family's demise and have thus allowed me to live on as one of their own. With their help I have been able to learn their secrets, such as the fact that the materializing nanobots will warp reality when they form my suit. WIth that warping of reality, any item that isn't vital to my life is then stored as a part of me in an alternate dimension, at the junction x-3, y-54334, z-4390, zprime-4993-"

She kept droning on and on, and as she did, several of the other kids stopped playing on the swingsets. The boy's father eventually walked over in the midst of Samus' explanation. He motioned to let his son know it was time to leave, but the child was still listening to Samus drone on and on in complete and total earnest.

By the half-hour mark, the boy's father had started lying on the ground, counting clouds. By the forty-five minute mark, the father rolled across the ground, bored out of his gourd. By the fiftieth minute mark, he had resigned himself to his fate, but that was right before...

"-And when that process is finally complete, I can take my hair out of my helmet without a single pulled follicle. All of this happens in a split second." Samus said, finishing.

The boy nodded, as though he understood exactly what Samus was talking about.

"Did you understand all of that?" Samus asked with a smile.

"Uh...yeah! It does space magic!" The boy said.

Samus looked a little hurt, before she just shrugged. "An acceptable reply. You are just a child." She smiled gently, as the boy's father slowly got up off of the ground.

"Okay!" The man said. "So, I see that my boy has just met a bounty hunter and...uh...nice!" He shot Samus a thumbs-up. "But we really have to be going now!"

"But I wanna talk to her more!" The boy said.

The man laughed. "Well...uh...maybe later? Much later?"

The boy whined, as Samus just watched him drag the son off, hopefully avoiding another long, boring lecture.

[=]​

A/N: Nanomachines, son.