Because I'm feeling in a mood for pain and leather I've decided to sit down and read through something for your entertainment, except I don't have a lot of bad books on hand, so I've decided to get reading through the depths of the Internet to find you the worst in original and fan fiction (that is safe for work) for me to read. I will start with what is frequently regarded as the My Immortal of the Metroid Fandom. Metroid High School. Yes, that's right, there's a high school AU for metroid written by the fittingly named: 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan.
Can you guess her favorite pairing?
I will say this is basically my most hated pairing ever for numerous reasons, but I think if I went off on a tangent about that I'd be here all day. So I'll simply note that this pairing is terrible and anyone who ships it is terrible and needs to be slapped with a particularly stale potato.
I will be reading through one heinous chapter at a time. Luckily it's a mere eight chapters so my suffering shan't be long, but it shall be intense.I will note as an aside that I am making a great sacrifice for you all. So be grateful or I'll cut your throat in your sleep. This is thankfully, entirely safe for work because the thought of 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan writing smut terrifies me on a deep, fundamental level.
To suggest a piece of original fiction or fanfiction for me to read through, please provide a link once I have finished reading through a work and a general description of what it's about and I'll see about reading through it. It absolutely has to be safe for work, I don't want to read skeevy fapfics, badfics are pain enough. For fanfiction, I'm only going to read through it if I'm at least somewhat familiar with the fandom. For original fiction, it has to be free. I'm not paying out of my allowance to read crappy novels.
Most of it is just a boring slog as he mechanically describes himself playing through the game, but when he has the characters talk its absolutely hilarious. The real selling point though, is the end. The final chapter seriously has got to be read to be believed. Its the best bad fanfic chapter I've ever read.
I'd say the body of work by kyuubi16, but that would mean looking through that crap. Here's his profile page https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1370164/Kyuubi16 and just a warning, the last time I read this guys stuff it's full of boring/stupid/insipid sue bullshit using lead characters that may have at one point or another have been based on Naruto. And if not for wanting to avoid a risk of policy problems I'd say True Power, it's like Chuunin Exam Day with out the time travel and (to an extent) restraint.
Alright, I've prayed to the Reichtangle and have a bunch of movies I like to watch to purge the terrible memories from my mind should I ever be overwhelmed by stark proofs of sturgeon's law in action.
Let's begin.
Two things, firstly, "A" should go before "Kinda", as it flows much better from the tongue and generally vowels shouldn't collide. Secondly, miss, you're all capsing in your author's notes, seriously not cool.
I've noticed that generally, badfics have the author immediately request that people not flame them and immediately address the reader in the author's notes. Probably just correlation without causation but just something I've noticed.
Can I just say that one of my biggest peeves in writing is what I like to call "spaghetti text"? It's where you break up each and every paragraph into one or two lines at most thus making the text seem much longer than it actually is by increasing the number of spaces. I'm especially unfond of multiple very short sentences in a row with no room for descriptions of any sort. Because the writer has failed to describe a single damn thing I'm left wondering if Ridley is still a giant purple/metal pterodactyl dragon or not. Obviously the logical assumption is that he's been made into a human but imagining he's still fifteen feet tall and winged is much funnier.
Just imagine the kind of school building they'd have to build to accomodate him! It'd look like a gorram aviary or hell, Charles Darwin middle School! Actually, why couldn't have this been set in a "My Gym Partner's a Monkey" esque school?
Now obviously, the author has...issues with concepts like spellcheckers and there's only so many jokes I can make off of the typos of what I presume is a high school aged girl, so I won't be too harsh on her typography. I will point out that "Smaus" is a fairly rare German surname, allowing me to pretend this has nothing to do with metroid at all, if only for a brief moment.
For a more detailed critique: Well, notice the very, very sudden rush of events. We're just thrown into the story with very little establishment of what this interpretation of Ridley's character is (though it's immediately obvious he's nothing like the mass murdering gleefully sadistic psychopath he canonically is), just that he's A. A stereotypical high school aged boy with the hots for a pretty girl but stutters more than a 70 year old motorboat engine because High School jitters, and B. He goes up and asks the prettiest girl around out for a date anyway with no apparent preparation.
We get no insight into why Samus is just blithely okay with this, or even what kind of "okay" she's giving. Is it a flat, bored okay? Is it an enthusiastic okay? No, like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, the world will never know! But I like to imagine she just threw out an okay without even really thinking about it. Just a big ol' "meh whatever."
And of course, immediately hoping she's his girlfriend after a questionably enthusiastic "okay" to his request. Dude, tons of people go out with people they have no romantic interests in for school dances. You're jumping to conclusions like the WMG section of Doctor Who's TV tropes page.
But of course, that's just the start of the rabbit hole.
To quote inception: "We need to go deeper."
Speaking of jumping.
Yes, that's right, we're jumping right into another scene with barely any introduction, setting, or the remotest contact with the word "pacing" and anything that ever had to do with "pacing". The scene is not set, the table is not ready to eat at, this meal is so undercooked that I think the steak is chewing on my salad.
I can clearly see the author has no regard for canonocity to the point that I'm wondering if she just briefly skimmed the names of the major characters on wikipedia because the sheer magnitude of incorrect characterization is enough to make my head spin with enough velocity to let me function as a helicopter. Kraid and Ridley are for whatever reasons, enemies and rivals instead of allies under Pirate High Command/Mother Brain, but given that the author seems to have missed little details like Ridley killing Samus' mother in front of her and boasting about eating her, I think it's a bit cruel of me to expect her to get minor things about the setting like that right.
Given that Samus repeatedly calls Kraid blubber brain, I'm inclined to think that he's at least fat, and to continue my amusement, I'm still going to imagine him as a sixty foot tall scaley behemoth flanked by a number of ridiculously tiny in comparison space pirates. Just thinking about him stomping around and creating a minor earthquake with every step and badmouthing guys like the tunnel snakes while wearing 50s greaser hairdos and an obnoxious douchebag jacket makes me giggle insanely.
Off that tangent, I think it's time for me to revise my age estimate for 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan downwards. Because she has clearly never interacted with any high schoolers at the time of writing this. Not one thing I'm looking at here convinces me that111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan knows how teenagers act. At high school age, when you land with someone rated a 10/10 on the would bang scale, you get envy and congratulatiosn, not kindergartener grade "Kenny's got a girlfriend neener neener neiner" bullcrap.
Nor does any Bully in the history of forever back off after being called "blubber brain" twice and being given some seriously weak sauce threats. Especially when we've got like, zero evidence that High School Samus is capable of carrying them out. Absolutely none. What's her credentials? How is she managing to get the school bully to back off? The story's certainly not telling me much of anything here! And I'm pretty sure if a bully got told off by that limp-wristed display, the only laughing his or her crew would be doing would be directed at them.
The slow dancing is more "what the fuck is pacing and how do I do it?" bullshit. My Immortal was better at transitioning to the next set piece, I'm deadly serious here. Hell, it tended to stay on one god damn scene longer too! Though I'll give 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan props in that she's moderately better at consistently spelling things correctly. She and Tara Gillesbie seem to have about the same level of understanding of how people work though. The actual dancing is pretty generically terrible, there's nothing good there, but there's nothing particularly funny to mock either.
Actually scratch that, 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan's deathly fear of using simple things like "Said" is god damn hilarious and it only gets sillier from here. Seriously people, you can't just use terms like "inquisitively" as a replacement for "said" all the time or your writing will look ridiculous. Ask pretty much any professional writer and they'll tell you there's nothing wrong with saying "Said" and attaching descriptors, or hell just saying said! Or not even putting anything like that at all if you can make sure the reader can tell who's talking.
Firstly: Not even Disney films at their worst have people jump to declarations of love this soon into the story. Well, Hans and Anna got together about as fast, but there Hans was blatantly manipulating a naive girl who had been cloistered up in her castle for pretty much all her growing years. Here they've exchanged maybe ten lines of dialogue together and now they're a couple just like that. It's fucking shipper magic! I don't mind shipfics if the couple is established and set well, even if its a pairing I don't particularly like. But here? I god damn hate this pairing and the author is slamming them together like barbie and ken and making "mwah mwah" sounds. Actually that's uncharitable to kids who play with barbie and ken dolls, they at least take the time to dress up their toys. Here I'm still not sure if Ridley is even human or not.
Also more of the "Saidophobia" culminating in "Descirbed" being used for a reciprocation of a love declaration. Top god damn Kek. It's not the right word to use and it's not even spelled right! Seriously guys, right click on things Microsoft word or Firefox shoves a squiggly line under. It will solve 90% of your spelling problems garaunteed. But as for your misusage of words? I'm sorry 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006-chan, I can only prescribe a read through of wikitionary and paying attention in English class.
As for you Ridley, yes, you are the luckiest guy in this world. Because the Author smiles upon you and all your poorly characterized deeds. You have divine favor of the likes that the crusaders could only dream of having. The very fabric of space and time shall bend around you and fate and destiny themselves will twist in awkward angles to make your romance blossom into poorly written flowers of ill-thought out love.
I have to say it's pretty much the most textbook example of a stereotypically bad fanfiction I've read yet. It hits all the marks besides "poorly written, anatomically impossible sex".
I have to say it's pretty much the most textbook example of a stereotypically bad fanfiction I've read yet. It hits all the marks besides "poorly written, anatomically impossible sex".
Seems so, which is a pity. And I say pity because I've seen fics like this before(my memory refuses to retain what most of them are) and that there are so many fics like this out there. Though I could see a Metroid high school fanfic being interesting, maybe go with a My Gym Partner's a Monkey type school by way of Metroid and have Samus be a new security guard. I could see an interesting reinterpretation of various Metroid events and maybe some interpersonal drama there. I wouldn't personally like to read it, but could see it happening.
I have too much freetime on my hands and pesterchum role plays and my other projects aren't active enough. So I subject myself to suffering to pass the time.
This one's a pretty good Naruto one. Naruto is hokage and everything is FINE! There's no war except the occasional boarder squabbles. Peace is kept by an intricate system of friendships, alliances, and agreements, and everything is about as good as it could possibly get.
Then he wakes up back in time. Problem is, he doesn't want to.
http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de/frecent.php?tag=Mischief+Fragment This has some good stuff here and there, and is mostly made by one of the guys making fanfics back in the 90's(this was the guy who made the bet.) Though it can get kinda crack at times, that is what you get when it involves Toltiir.
Drinking is a crutch, anyway. A terrible waste of time and money, as well. The only thing you should use alcoholic beverages for is flavoring meat and sauces.
I've got a couple Star Trek fics that should be fun for you to read through here. Thankfully they aren't anywhere near as bad as the one you just suffered through (the writing's actually pretty decent - no butchery of grammar & punctuation), but they are both fucking weird in terms of what the story's actually about. I still have no idea whether or not they are bad or good.
Refugee Camp Voyager
Janeway agrees to grant political asylum aboard Voyager to a group of five hundred Borg rebels, including Seven of Nine's mother.
And yeah, the summary descriptions read almost exactly like what the usual bad fanfiction has. Surprisingly, though, your expectations will be subverted upon reading... though from "oh boy, this is going to be terrible" to "...okay, that was actually decent, but WTF did I just read?".
I'm rather infamous for my sporadic updates due to losing interest in a concept or because I'm not getting the feedback I wanted (like with my own fanfic) thus making me less willing to write. So it sometimes saddens me when I see bad writers getting heaped with attention for bad works because people want to see just how bad it can get.
Yes, that is real, I did not edit that in any way. Not a single bit of MsPaint trickery has been done besides me cropping this bit of text. Yes, you're seeing it for real, the author's avatar is literally her ridiculous username. Not her real name, not some name she wishes she had, her fucking username, who is always referred to in the full at all times. I thought I'd have a lot of witticisms here but you know, this is just so incredibly stupid that I'm kind of speechless. Even Tara god damn Gillesbie made her author avatar less blatantly transparent. This is a level of self insert that transcends all prior examples. By every god man has ever prayed to we have found a new low here.
And seriously, imagine the teasing this girl must get. A name like that is going to paint a big whopping bullseye on her for endless mockery from every fucking shitheel in school. This is the kind of name you get when your parents absolutely loathe you from the moment you came into this world and want nothing but suffering and misery for you. The other names make me think that they're probably based on the author's real life friends. Given that the author has already made a super blatant self insert I wouldn't be surprised if she indulged in beta inserts either.
Oh of course it's truth or dare! It's always fucking truth or dare in these high school and college flicks or spin the bottle or twister or anything else that results in awkward make outs and groping! Because those are the only three party games that teenagers every play when there aren't any adults around am I right? And again, stop using any word except said. And jesus christ the author forgot to put "let's play truth or dare" in quotation marks!
Herr Star; take it away.
Oh god it's Enoby Dark'Ness Dimentia Raven Way all over again. The signs are all there, an edgy, misunderstood prima donna who inverts reality to make her favored pairings come to life.
Also:
"Sheered" Well I guess everyone in this story is a sheep now. So I'm guessing it's a Baaaaaahfics. (I regret nothing)
Also, last time I checked, what Samus is doing up there is not a concession and bears don't smile. They bare their teeth yes, but they don't make facial gestures like the human smile because they kinda sorta, fucking cna't do it for the same reason your dog doesn't. But for arguments sake lets just assume he's giving a particularly mischevious smile.
There's nothing particularly exceptionally bad by the author's standards here besides more typos and the author avatar edging ever closer into Tara Gillespie territory.
(Fucked up the cropping here whoops)
Firstly, when I think "cooly replied" I don't think "made a gigantic fucking jumble of words said in rapid succession." Did the author forget to put some spaces here? Because I'm pretty sure if she said this aloud she'd realize that talking like that doesn't sound the least bit cool. Secondly, oh my Reichtangle she's obsessed with MCR. This fic is going to go horrible places isn't it?
No seriously, this author's avatar is pushing deeper and deeper into edgy wish fulfillment "I don't care so Imma badass" territory every time I read her dialogue and I'm worried that this behavior is only going to intensify until we reach the edge event horizon. There's so far nothing I find particularly standout about this character other than a list of cliche'd edgy self insert tropes that seems almost too by the numbers to be true. Now I have heard arguments that this is a troll job, but I've seen more than enough earnestly bad fanfiction to have my reasons to doubt that this is not in fact, entirely genuine.
But seriously this portion of the fanfiction is boring as shit, it's just generically awful. Where's the stand out laugh out loud moments?
I suppose typographic comedy will have to suffice. In the span of two sentences we go from "blubber brain" (also "pwnd" to replace said, I'm shaking my head here, I really am, put me in the water and I'll replace your boats propeller with the motions of my cranium) to "maid of rubber" which sounds like some BDSM pornographic actress' stage name. Also notice how pretty much everyone goes for their full names if it is ever specified. Tio Juan is never just Juan or Tio, he's always Tio Juan, fullstop. 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006's abomidably long name is never shortened or contracted in any way, shape or form, instead for some asinine reason people feel that they must spell out her entire name each and every time they refer to her.
So I have concocted a theory that 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006 is actually some kind of monstrous reality warper who is secretly twisting the fabric of space and time to her will to create her own version of metroid and Samus' seeming complete lack of emotions is actually born out of her subconsciously resisting the reality warping, and that the story really ends with Samus breaking free and putting down the eldritch abomination that tried using her as her own personal barbie doll. For evidence, I provide 111SAMUSRIDLEY4EVA2006's blatant act of teleportation when Tio confesses his undying love. One moment she's sitting there uninterested, and then suddenly she's downstairs getting a glass of lemonade.
Lazy writing? Or diabolical cosmic power?
Also, am I supposed to be happy for Tio and Helen? Because I frankly could not care less about their happiness when I know absolutely nothing about them as characters and so far they all feel like generically samey same cookie cutter high school drama protagonists. Seriously, there's nothing interesting about them. I don't even know the first detail about their appearances or their lives or anything and yet here they are prancing about like major characters when there is frankly not one single reason for me to care in the slightest. This is what I'm going to hold as "major flat-characteritis" where an author introduces us to a bevy of new characters and expects us to care when there is frankly absolutely no reason to.
Also, who the fuck always says "A-OK" and never just "OK"?
Oh jeeze I dunno, more bad High school dramedy cliches?
You're such an ever so versatile writer after all.
