Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest (STORY ONLY)

Interlude: Sometimes Absent, Never Gone
Interlude: Sometimes Absent, Never Gone
When seeking to decapitate your enemy, confirm in advance that it is not a hydra.

—Mori Ryūgamine, the Angel Without Mercy


Jin's was the kind of life where he sat by the bedside of the Six-Tails jinchūriki, one of the most physically powerful men in the world and the key to Mist's salvation, and patiently fed him peeled apple slices, while his best friend tormented one of the most politically powerful women in the world and the key to Mist's rebirth, and while she toyed with the entire fate of that world purely because it sounded like fun.

Jin wouldn't trade this life for anything else.

"So the Mizukage didn't send you?" Utakata clarified.

"Not exactly," Jin admitted, picking up the next apple. "She's currently tied up in negotiations"—they'd made sure of it—"and we figured someone should keep you company until you feel better."

"That makes sense, I think," Utakata said. "Can I ask who you are?"

"Azai Jin, Senior Representative of Form for the Alliance for Mist's Illumination." Jin's knife began to slide through the skin. "It's a bit of a mouthful, so you can just call me Azai from the AMI."

Ami always kept her promises, even ones made at the age of seven. He would forever be her right-hand man, nothing less… and nothing more.

"My name is Utakata," said the man capable of destroying villages with a single breath. "It's nice to meet you. What is the AMI?"

"Glad you asked!" Jin beamed. "We're a cross-clan, cross-class organisation that represents the young people of Mist. We're like the exact opposite of Yagura, helping the Mizukage fix all the things he did wrong, and making sure Mist gets a fresh start. As you saw, we lost a lot of good people at the Battle of Nagi Island, and the majority of them were from the older generations. It's time for Mist's youth to step up to the plate and guide the village's future so that their sacrifice won't have been in vain."

The hand movements had to be subtle. Utakata was still in a low-energy state, and Jin needed to be enthusiastic, not overbearing. Expressive, not dramatic. Hypnotic, not manipulative. Still, that level of coordination was child's play for the taijutsu/weapons representative.

"You're already one of us, Utakata. You're a common-born outside the system, without a network of friends to support you, and the AMI wants to make sure that this time you feel like you belong, instead of having someone like Yagura use you as a weapon."

Jin offered Utakata another apple slice.

"Yagura," Utakata said slowly, reluctantly. "A beast wearing the skin of a boy. Or maybe a boy wearing the skin of a beast. They told me he was dead."

"Dead as a doornail," Jin said. "Do you get now why this is such a big chance for people like us? Individually, we're just junior ninja and commoners, but together, this is our time to change the world!"

Utakata bit into the slice. "Change the world how?"

-o-​

Kuroda Shinzō, Senior Representative of Spirit for the Alliance for Mist's Illumination, was not having a good day. Oh, he'd known in advance that he'd be the one mired in politics while Jin was playing with the hearts of the vulnerable and Ami was introducing her personal brand of chaos into Leaf like a kraken into a swimming pool. Insofar as they were easily able to fill in for each other—she'd made sure they grew up that way so they could outsource to experts where necessary, instead of risking overspecialisation—the matter had ultimately been settled by drawing lots. Today, Jin would be using his excitable Academy student shtick, and Shinzō his rock golem, which he was good at but didn't necessarily enjoy.

"I'm afraid that simply cannot be done, Lady Mizukage," he said with implacable respect. "The laws of mathematics are immutable."

"You are suggesting," the Mizukage said with the mien of a woman being courteous to someone wasting her time, "that a mere delay in genin reporting in after their D-ranks can have a tangible impact on the budget."

"One of our Mori members prepared a report." Shinzō rolled the scroll across the desk, allowing it to naturally unfurl so as to indicate its tremendous length. "Delayed genin are genin temporarily removed from circulation, effectively reducing the number of D- and C-rank missions Mist can accept."

The Mizukage's expression did not change at all as she scanned the scroll.

"Every shinobi out of circulation is a shinobi earning fewer mission fees," she observed. "This most unfortunate series of coincidences would be untenable."

"It does you credit to show such concern for the well-being of your subordinates," Shinzō said, briefly allowing his persona to slip. Oh, well, it wasn't like the head of the Kurosawa Clan couldn't see through it anyway. "Fortunately, we have anticipated the problem. The AMI also has a budget, and it would only be our duty to arrange compensation for these poor souls."

Shinzō shifted stance in accordance with Ami's lessons. He looked down at the still-undiscussed span of the scroll covering the desk. The unspoken words were, "I can do this all day. Can you, village leader at a time of crisis?"

-o-​

Hook, line and sinker. It was almost too easy, Jin reflected. Everything was going in accordance with one of Ami's most likely scenarios: Utakata had returned alive but traumatised, the Mizukage having won his absolute loyalty, but too busy to build on it due to the aftermath of the battle. Utakata now found himself alone and without friends, in a village that still remembered him as a hated missing-nin. Granted a pardon, but with no future beyond it except the nebulous concept of one day saving the village. Soon, the Mizukage would come up for air and find someone to babysit her new confused weapon of mass destruction, but Jin would make sure that by then it would be too late.

"Let me put it to you this way, Utakata," Jin said. "How would you change the world if you could?"

Too simple. Too easy. Jin wasn't lying about anything—Utakata really was a victim of the system into which he'd been born, just like the rest of them, and his power really was being exploited by higher-status ninja with no interest in his own needs or opinions.

Jin wasn't supposed to feel guilt for actions done in the name of saving people. Guilt anchored you, Ami taught. It kept you human. But it was no guide at all to making decisions, and it could get you or your friends killed if you let yourself feel it while executing those decisions.

"I can't remember what I'm supposed to want," Utakata said softly. "I think I must have killed a lot of people, but I can't remember why. I can't remember knowing why. I think that if you're going to kill people, you need a very good reason, and the only reason good enough is if they're trying to kill you. But isn't that just a circle? I wonder if that's why I left."

Jin nodded as if what Utakata was saying made sense.

"I don't know the answer," Jin said with a gentle smile, "but there's a girl who does. Until she gets back, why don't we look for it together?"

-o-​

"How'd it go, Dragon Kid?" Shinzō grinned over a glass of Kurohige's Revenge. "Got him eating out of your hand yet?"

"There's no need for that," Jin said coolly. "I believe he'll absorb the AMI philosophy in good time. He just needs a solid foundation to build on. Also, how much longer are you going to keep calling me that, Boss Tiger?"

"Touché," Shinzō smirked. "As for me, my esteemed target, whose name I'm not going to say in the middle of a bar, went down eventually, thank you for asking. Next time it's your turn, see if you can get her to crack a smile. Bottle of the good stuff on me if you pull it off. Maybe try the slithering snake next, get her into one of her aggressive stances?"

"Maybe. Though that one is getting a little stale. Also, the last time I used it, Mori Ryūgamine hit me with a hammer blow of a counter. My ego is still down there with the ancestors."

"Which is why we leave the senior Mori to Ami when she gets back. You're the one who gave her the spark for those contingencies in the first place."

That lightning-quick final meeting. Ideas, ripostes, and flickers of ice. Nothing to be overlooked; nothing to be forgotten. Sparkling eyes, mischievous grin. A hug that went on just that sliver of a second shorter than she knew he wanted.

The right-hand man and the left-hand man gave each other familiar smiles. Forever nothing less… and nothing more.
 
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Chapter 267.2: In Which Keiko Allows Something to Not Be Her Fault
January 5, 1069 AS, immediately following from Hazō and Keiko's Clear Communication Technique session.

Hazō retracted the rolled-up broadsheet.

"One more issue before we drop this subject and move on to that thing Noburi claims we'll be able to do with enough practice."

"Being normal people having normal conversations?"

"He's always been an optimist. At any rate, we've established that the Gōketsu are behind you on your decision. We've established it several times. Yes?"

Keiko nodded.

"I've had a chance to think about the practicalities," Hazō said, "and how does this sound: you tell the Pangolins that I, as Gōketsu Clan Head, have unilaterally terminated the skytower contract, and you as an individual had no input on this decision and don't want it to impact on your personal relationship with the Pangolin Clan. That protects your summoner status, and hopefully preserves your tessera as well."

"You would do this for me?" Keiko asked disbelievingly. "But I have already told you that summons hold contracts sacred above all else. They are one of the few institutions mandated directly by the Pantokrator—excuse me, the Sage of Six Paths—as opposed to being interpretations of his teachings by his contemporaries. To terminate such unilaterally is regarded in much the same light as divulging clan secrets is on the Human Path.

"You cannot afford to do this, Hazō, not if you intend to later resume your work on the Seventh Path through Noburi and the Toads. Please, allow me and me alone to pay the price for my actions."

"No," Hazō said bluntly. "It's not a unilateral termination anyway. They get advance warning and a month's shipment. That's how you're supposed to act when ending an agreement in good faith. Have you spoken to them already?"

Keiko looked down at the table. "Something else I have been delaying until the last moment out of fear. If I were to come to them with the news that I had betrayed them in a time of need, and then have to face them a second time when making the final delivery…"

"All right," Hazō said. "Let's table that for now. Instead, assume for a second that we, the rest of the clan, are actually competent and can handle the fallout of cancelling the contract, ideally with your help. How do you feel about the idea?"

Keiko hesitated.

"I feel both guilty and relieved. On the assumption that it is somehow reasonable for you to accept punishment for another's crime… this has the potential to preserve my future."

"What do you mean?"

"My summoner status comprises the entirety of my personal value," Keiko explained matter-of-factly. "My combat skills are chūnin-level at best. My talent as a Mori is, as I have told you many times, merely mediocre within my former clan, and you overestimate it solely based on lack of grounds for a comparison. Certainly, given my missed years of training, I expect to be among the weakest of the Nara."

Not this again.

"Summoners are rare. Valuable. Each one potentially worth their weight in gold, and yes, I appreciate the irony. Divest me of that, as the Pangolins might well do if they ever perceive me as a liability, and I am no more than a child with erratic agency, questionable social skills, and catastrophic self-esteem issues.

"All of which I had already decided to be an acceptable price to pay to prevent the deaths of thousands. The idea that I can accomplish said intent without said price is… revolutionary. Imagine being able to accomplish Uplift without a single massacre of historic proportions."

"Uh, Keiko…"

"Thank you, Hazō," she said, meeting his eyes. "I mean it."

"Any time," Hazō said, as if there was any possible way a situation this bizarre could come up again in the future.

"There will be consequences," Keiko added. "Both for me and for the Gōketsu. Please do not overlook this. I may still find myself losing my tessera, insofar as they were part of the deal rather than a reward I earned through my own performance. If I am to keep them, and generally preserve my status despite my association with you, I expect to be sent on more missions than I have been thus far. Perhaps even military missions against other clans, and I remain conflicted over the possibility, given that it would be hypocritical on the one hand, and that I am in fact a ninja on the other. There may be other consequences for me associated with the blow to Pangolin military power, to be endured regardless of who was responsible for the contract's termination.

"More pressingly, I am concerned by the broader implications. On the Human Path, we are aware that the other villages will already be in the process of reverse-engineering skywalkers. Mist and Sand have samples borne by their survivors. Rock and Cloud will have procured them from opportunistic battlefield looting by their Chūnin Exam attendees. They could hardly be denied access to the place where their Kage died, and it would have been impossible to recover all the skywalkers before they arrived.

"On the Seventh Path, the Pangolins will be forced to suspend their conquest, indeed to withdraw any forces that suddenly find themselves overextended. Their enemies will already have assumed skytowers to be seals, ninjutsu, or previously-unseen racial abilities. Some, in consultation with summoners or more advanced clans like the Crows, may also have pondered the possibility of sophisticated mechanical devices. Let us generously assume that none have already deduced the truth. Of the items listed, only one can disappear without trace from the Pangolin arsenal within the space of a month.

"It takes little imagination to connect the two. Leaf has advanced sealing technology it did not previously display. The Pangolin Clan, associated with the Gōketsu of Leaf, has advanced sealing technology which it did not previously display. Add a few choice details, such as the timing and circumstances of our arrival in Leaf, the presence of multiple sealmasters among our ranks, your extraordinary attack on Kotsuzui—"

"I thought I covered that up pretty well," Hazō interrupted.

"Supposing for argument's sake that your justification was plausible and there were no sensory ninja in the audience… what kind of imbecile would attempt to use explosives at melee range in the first place unless they believed they had a special means of protecting themselves?

"Regardless, and setting aside the fact that you are the brother of the Heavily-Armoured Melee Combat Clan Summoner, I hope you accept my greater point.

"It is not that I propose withdrawing my decision. In the same way as you believe Uplift to be unambiguously for the greater good, I believe this to be unambiguously for the greater good. In the same way that you are dedicated to Uplift beyond the psychological point of no return, I am past the point where I could continue to facilitate genocide, as a simple matter of personal identity.

"However, there will be dangers you need to consider. You can safely assume that the combined information from both Paths has pinpointed the Gōketsu as dangerously powerful sealmasters, or will soon. You can safely assume that we will be considered priority targets by our enemies: exceedingly valuable to capture or at least kill, yet with limited power to defend ourselves. The Human Path counts down to the Fourth World War. The Seventh Path now counts down to the Pangolins' defeat, whereupon the hostile summoners and their clans, including those made hostile by the Pangolins' warmongering, will be free to turn their attention to us.

"Countermeasures will be essential. I will assist as best I can, within the bounds of the Nara contracts I have already signed. However, understand that despite my best efforts, I remain myself. I cannot propose brilliant solutions, only optimise their implementation."

Hazō nodded seriously. "I guess it's nothing we wouldn't have had to deal with sooner or later. But we can talk practicalities when the clan is ready and Leaf isn't threatening to come down about our ears. For now, are we agreed on me taking responsibility for ending the contract?"

"The proper response would commence with a thorough reminder of my general unworthiness, and proceed deep into familiar realms of self-castigation. However,"—she smiled—"insofar as you are still holding the rolled-up broadsheet, I will choose to omit them on this occasion.

"Please accept my sincere gratitude for your support. You will regret it."

-o-
A/N: A missing piece of the previous plan, added for reasons I suspect may be clear.​
 
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Interlude: Chosen for the Grave, Part 15
Interlude: Chosen for the Grave, Part 15

"Team Uplift, meet your—"

"Shut up, you stupid stinker!"

Val, Oli, and I all blinked. Team Uplift's expressions varied between exasperated and terrified, except for Mari's, which managed to express patience, mild reproof, and amused tolerance all in one quirk of an eyebrow.

"Kagome, be nice," she said. "Jiraiya has been very polite to us, we should return the favor."

"Nope," I said, taking Val and Oli's arms and turning them towards the door.

"Hey!" Oli said. "What—"

"Just trust me," I said, virtually dragging them with me. "We're out of here."

"Hang on," Jiraiya said, amusement gone from his voice. "Where do you think you're going?"

"They're our what?" Hazō asked curiously.

"Nope, nope, nope," I said, physically pushing my otherworldly cohort out the door. Val had apparently figured that this was one of those times where you should just go along with the teammate who was freaking out and ask questions later, so he was moving willingly. Oli was reluctant, casting fascinated gazes behind himself, but he was going.

Once we were in the hall I shut the door and leaned against it with a sigh of relief.

"Yes?" Oli asked pointedly.

"I don't know why," I said, "but I'm pretty confident that if we had stayed in there for just a few more paragraphs then the bladed arm of a god would have torn through the fabric of reality and scythed across the room, killing everyone."

"'A few more paragraphs'?" asked Val, eyebrow raised.

"What, you've never wondered if maybe we're the creations in someone else's story?" I asked. I deliberately looked over my shoulder, a knowing expression spreading across my face.

"What are you doing?" Oli asked, clearly wondering if I needed a hug-me coat.

"Trying to look at the camera," I admitted after a moment. "Or through the fourth wall, whichever."

Oli and Val exchanged concerned looks.

"Look, I'm really confident of this, okay?"

Oli and Val exchanged more looks, but these were less 'do you want to call the orderlies or should I' and more 'it would not be the weirdest thing about our lives recently....'

"Okay," Oli said. "You might want to step away from the door, since I'm pretty sure Jiraiya is going to be barging through it any second."

No sooner had I jumped aside then the door failed to open.

"That would have been amazing," Val commented, sounding regretful.

I paused to blow my running nose; I still hadn't shaken this damn chakra virus, and Tsunade's latest treatment had been only moderately effective. "Yeah," I replied. "And more evidence for my 'we are characters in a story' theory."

"I sure don't feel like a character," Oli said doubtfully.

"How would you know?" Val asked. "Not that I buy into it, but it is true that we're following a lot of isekai tropes—relatively ordinary young men with 21st century knowledge, portaled to a fantasy world and given amazing powers—"

"And a virtual harem," I noted. "I've got Anko, who is way out of my league, trailing me around—"

"Bodyguard," reminded the Blanket of Wetness.

"—Val is being fawned over by no less than three separate women of varying ages and stunning beauty, as well as a half-dozen students who hang upon his least word with bated breath—"

"Seven-element ninjutsu teacher who can effortlessly handle nature chakra and might give them the Hiraishin and/or Sage Mode," Oli pointed out.

"—and let us not forget Oli, who has had to buy up half the paper in Konoha just to keep track of all the metaphorical phone numbers that are being thrown at him. Didn't you have like, four separate meet-cutes on the way to the Tower this morning?"

Oli shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know that I would call them 'meet-cutes'...and it was only three."

"Hah! See!"

"I'm not saying that I believe you," Val said, "but if your theory were true then we should probably stop talking about this. A lot of readers hate fourth-wall breaking, and a lot of authors will stop writing a story if the audience complains too much."

I started to reply, but had to pause long enough to cough up what felt like half a lung. "Point," I said at last. "Well, I'm going to go off and continue transforming the industry of this feudal-ish fantasy world, said activity being in no way relevant to any isekai trope that might or might not be relevant in turn to our existence. Val, why don't you go back to the Konoha Public Library that I anachronistically wrote into existence by sorta-mistake. There you can continue delving deep into the history and mythology of a fantasy world, the underpinnings of which will be far more obvious to you than to the natives because you have an outside view with the addition of advanced knowledge and the equivalent of ancient lore because we wrote it all. I'm sure the very attractive and rather underdressed-for-the-weather female assistant librarian who is almost exactly your age will be delighted to make eyes at you while cooing in fascination regarding your stories of our world."

Val looked disgruntled.

"Hey, you and Francesca are both poly, right?" I asked, referring to the lovely girlfriend back home. "Moving on: Oli, don't you have a class to teach in which you will impart advanced medical techniques to worshipful young doctors who think you're the greatest thing since the Sage because your advice is actually panning out?"

"No, that's tomorrow. Today I'm adjusting the spreadsheets for the newest crop of Academy students in order to make them legendary-tier ninja...and I think maybe I see your point."

The door opened at last; Jiraiya stepped into the hall and closed the door behind himself. "Excuse me," he said, his voice demonstrating carefully-controlled annoyance. "What was that all about?"

I shrugged. "I have no rational explanation, but I'm pretty confident that if we had stayed in there for just a few more minutes then the bladed arm of a god would have torn through the fabric of reality and scythed across the room, killing everyone including you. I really don't think us meeting the protagonists of our story is a good idea. Think 'potentially a major sealing failure' levels of badness."

Jiraiya digested that. Finally, he nodded. "Right, let's get you out of here. Having you meet this lot would have been useful, but it's not essential."

The Continuing...





Author's Note: This might or might not end up being the update for this weekend. I'll see if I have anything in the tank for tomorrow, but this was knocking on my brain demanding to be let out.
 
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Interlude: Notes from a Calm Island
Interlude: Notes from a Calm Island

Today is Equipment Maintenance Day. Uniforms, inspected. Sharp things, turned to point away from me. Chūnin jacket, haven't had time to requisition, but man, can't wait. I'm going to look just like Captain Kakashi… damn it. Camping supplies, topped up. Disguise kit, apparently eaten by Fifi yet again. Secret Wakahisa seals, reinforced. Should've asked the senior ninja to pull some strings while we were in Mist and borrow a Wakahisa expert, but I guess that ship has sailed.

Ouch.

Moving on, I need an excuse to put off sorting through my storage scroll gear. I'm thinking of updating my notes.

-o-​

Days since last Keiko Crisis: 1.

This one's on me. I have one job. Hazō does the planning. Keiko does the analysis. Kagome does security and Mari (major good call there, Hazō—I'll be doing the same) does being the party face and occasionally Team Mum. Jiraiya… damn it. Me? I'm support. I figure out what they need and make sure it's there when they need it. Usually it's just a laid-back chat, a few words of praise, someone to rant at, or simply a mug of hot chocolate (when it comes to helping somebody take a breather, that one's practically cheating). It's just a matter of keeping track. I'm almost jealous of the rest of my family, with their unique and irreplaceable talents. But only almost, because I love my job.

Like I say, though, this one's on me. I got complacent after we made it through the Agency Crisis of December 26, but now I look back, the Pangolin thing's brewing since forever. C'mon, Keiko told us up front how much it hurt her, and then she repeated it every time it got worse. But the rest of us just kind of forgot, because Pangolin gold was convenient and we had a lot on our plates. And then I let Hazō dump his Seven Path domination plan over her like a bucket of cold water, instead of going straight to the Gōketsu Family SOP I've been working on, which, by the way, now goes into force as of tomorrow. I've let my family get away without chilling out long enough.

Back on topic, I reckon we should have at least another couple of weeks until the next one hits. Seems like Tenten's great at keeping her grounded, and they'll be spending plenty more time together now we're all back in Leaf. Or at least they'd better. If Nara tries to get in the way, and somehow survives, I may have to have a quiet word. On the flip side, being a Nara should be good for her. The Nara are the low-drama clan. They just can't be bothered.

-o-​

Days since last Hazō Accident: 10.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt this time, and just roll back to the Agency Crisis from earlier. Not telling Keiko about going on a date with her sister? A lobotomised chakra jellyfish—or worse, Hyūga—could have told him that was a bad idea. Or he could have just asked me. How am I supposed to do my job if you people don't talk to me?

-o-
Days since last Kagome: ??

I wasn't here for the past two weeks, and we didn't come back to find Leaf a smouldering crater (unlike what they say about Nagi… damn it), so I guess things can't be too bad. That teaching gig must be doing wonders for keeping him stable. Well, I'd have a big grin on my face all the time too if I had a cute girl to go see whenever I liked. (Note to self: get a cute girl. I've really been dragging my heels on this one.)

-o-​

Days since last Mari Breakdown: 41

I'll level with me here: I don't like how this is looking. Mari went straight from dying of guilt over supposedly manipulating us all to not dying of guilt over supposedly manipulating us all, and she didn't even do it overnight. You know when people lose their sense of guilt overnight? It's when they snap, Uchiha Itachi-style. And when a master manipulator snaps, how will you know until it's too late?

-o-​

Days since Jiraiya—oh, fuck you, Sage. Seriously, fuck you. Men like him don't die. Men like him get character growth arcs where they learn about real leadership, and family, and making a better world without using their fists. Men like him don't disappear into the void, leaving broken villages and broken families and broken hearts behind. What the hell were you thinking when you let him lose?

Days since Jiraiya was supposed to be alive: fucking zero.

But I don't want to think about it because it's a beautiful day outside and seriously, fuck you, Sage, and I dropped out of the traditional Keiko chase so those two could get some Clear Communication Technique practice, and Kagome is studying and Mari is doing I don't want to know what, and for once I can just kick back and do my own thing.

Oh, wait. There's still Fifi. Well, whatever. Kagome's the one who summoned her from beyond time and space with a sealing failure (best guess), so she's his responsibility now.

And now for some non-Noburi-runs-damage-control news. Big Sis (provisional name) incoming! The girl who doesn't have her own counter. The girl who showed me how to keep things running without getting sucked into the drama. Hidden Leaf's last bastion of sanity (as long as you shuffle the Youth thing under the carpet). Not that I don't love my job, but I expect the family drama quotient to be cut in half just by having her in the building.

-o-​

Notes Part 2, because I need to take a break before I can get my humongous dragon up again. Which of my many choices do I put in the cute girl slot?

Gasai Yuno
Looks: *****
Pros: Beautiful, caring, sensitive, enduring, older girl
Cons: Wrong village, occasionally scary, already broke her heart

Haruno Sakura
Looks: **
Pros: Sensible, strong-willed
Cons: Unempathic, blunt, somehow generic

Hyūga Hanabi
Looks: ***
Pros: Smart, great roleplayer, self-possessed
Cons: Nine years old. Also see below

Hyūga Hinata
Looks: *****
Pros: Sexy, subtle, charming, clothing-optional
Cons: Father is evil, cousin is a moron, forget about privacy

Ishihara Akane
Looks: ***
Pros: Considerate, insightful, full of life, sane, older girl
Cons: immediate family, Hazō's ex, unfair to concentrate all the sanity in one relationship

Kashiwagi Noriko
Looks: ***
Pros: Cute, attraction confirmed, quick learner, open to new experiences
Cons: Wrong village, potential future enemy, Kozpreya's teammate, bitter exam rivals with Keiko

Mori Ami
Looks: Mori Ami
Pros: Mori Ami
Cons: Mori Ami

Nara Keiko
Looks: *****
Pros: Brilliant, beautiful, brave, loving, witty
Cons: Immediate family, already rejected, more issues than the Merchant's Gazetteer, danger of exposure to Ami, does she even like guys?

Nara Shiori
Looks: ****
Pros: Intelligent (Nara, duh), active imagination, keen gamer, older girl
Cons: Weird thing going on with Keiko and/or Nara that I'm not touching with a barge pole

Tenten
Looks: **
Pros: Cool, focused, patience of a goddess
Cons: Hard to talk to, instant death by Keiko, does she even like guys?

Yamanaka Ino
Looks: *****
Pros: Smoking hot, wicked sense of humour, has previously shown signs of interest
Cons: Self-centred, political complications, can read minds

Yuki Yukino
Looks: ***
Pros: Cute, bouncy, creative, indefatigable, gets on well with various sisters, older girl (allegedly)
Cons: Wrong village, hyper, unpredictable, wilfully oblivious, danger of exposure to Ami, may still want revenge

You know, I hear good things about the spiritual benefits of celibacy.

-o-​

Standard Gōketsu Family SOP (they will use it, and by Byakuren's hefty mast, they'll like it)

When someone wants to discuss a sensitive subject:

0) We don't do this over dinner. It needs its own time without distractions or a built-in deadline.

1) Stop talking, except to help everyone else follow the SOP.

2) Go find a comfortable place to sit/lie/whatever.

3) Make any relaxing drinks anyone wants.

4) Optionally add snacks.

5) Person who wanted the discussion in the first place, define the subject.

5a) The subject can be anything, not just a problem to solve. Sometimes you just need to get stuff of your chest and know your loved ones are listening.

6) Priority order of moderators: Me (Noburi), Akane, Mari, Hazō, Keiko, Kagome. The moderator's job is to make sure everyone gets their say without being interrupted, and catch/fix miscommunication. The moderator contributes last.

7) Say stuff. Use Clear Communication if you can, be up front about it if you can't. Saying stuff is more important than saying it well. Break the subject down into steps (e.g. explain the problem; discuss what different angles will need to be considered; everyone who has a solution gets their own step to describe it and get feedback), and don't move between them until everyone's had a chance to say what they think/feel in each one.

7a) Hazō, do not skip ahead, no matter how excited you are about your latest idea.

7b) Keiko, Kagome, your opinions are valuable, so make sure you say something for each step.

7c) Mari, talk last if you're worried about influencing people too much.

7d) If anyone brings in a non-Gōketsu, make sure they get a say as well (looking at you here, Tenten).

8) Learn a few Nara hand signs. Being able to say stuff like "slow down" or "can you backtrack? I didn't get that last point" without interrupting someone is solid gold (no offence, Keiko).

9) This is a discussion. No binding decisions and no vetoes until after it's over.


I'm invoking the SOP for the first time tomorrow when we're all around. Topic: discuss how to make it even better before finalising it. At the end of that discussion, it's done, Hazō ratifies it post haste, and it's clan law with penalties for breaking it. We can't keep having fiascos like the Pangolin Contract Conflict.
 
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Chapter 267.3: Baneful Convergence
January 5, 1069 AS.

It was another miserable winter day for the eternally miserable Eiichi. The measly handful of ryō in his pouch would barely suffice for a few days' worth of vegetables, and he could hardly remember what meat tasted like. This wasn't how his life had been meant to go. He'd been part of the cycle. Money went from the land to the peasants, from the peasants to his pockets, from his pockets to the daimyo, and from the daimyo to the ninja. You were meant to keep some back at each step, or the economy stopped working. His was an essential step in the regulatory process, at least until the daimyo found out and scheduled him for the headsman's block. It had taken the daimyo's own wife to intercede on his behalf, and the daimyo would invent all-new forms of execution just for Eiichi if he ever found out why.

Eiichi stopped dead. That rich red hair, accented by occasional snowflakes. That misleadingly small stature and those brown eyes. It was her. Lady Gōketsu. The Fifth Hokage's wife. Mother to the Nara Keiko. Eiichi quietly shuffled out of her way, to the edge of the street.

Which was how he nearly bumped into the other ninja, a tall, raven-haired beauty strolling around the corner with a skip in her step. Eiichi leapt out of the way before he could offend her, then stood very still up against the wall in the hope that she would shrug and walk away. She didn't.

"Mari-sensei!" the tall ninja exclaimed. "I've been…"

She cut off.

"Understood," she said almost too quietly for Eiichi to hear. "I'll stay out of your way."

She made to turn away.

"Ami," Lady Gōketsu said neutrally.

Ami turned back. "Well, why didn't you just say so?"

"It was implied."

The two stood there for two seconds, maybe three, staring at each other silently.

"Oh. Gotcha," Ami said.

Lady Gōketsu nodded. "Pretty much. You heard of a drink called lupchanzen piss?"

Eiichi had never heard of lupchanzen. From context, it was probably an animal, though the name sounded like it should be a plant. Either way, it sounded unnatural, and the kind of thing only ninja would meddle with.

"Mari-sensei," Ami said reproachfully, "I've been here for days."

"So you have," Lady Gōketsu said. "My bad."

She walked past Ami, linking arms. "Come on, we've got a lot to talk about."

The two ninja set off down the road. For an instant, Ami glanced back at Eiichi and gave a friendly smile. Eiichi's days at court allowed him to flawlessly identify it as "eavesdropping is bad, and I know what you look like".

He bowed deeply, and then ran away.


-o-

Short update this week due to general brain failure. You may want to take this opportunity to think in more detail about what/how you want from Ami, since at this rate I'll almost certainly be writing her next Thursday.

Voting remains open as usual until Saturday 8th of June, 9 a.m. New York Time.​
 
Chapter 268: More Like a Cobweb

"What's all this about, Hazō?" Noburi demanded.

Hazō took a moment to set down the tea tray he was carrying and pass out the three bowls of snacks, much to Kagome-sensei's delight. ("Oooh! Honeyed almonds!" [om nom nom noises])

"It's a Nara thing," Hazō said, once everything was settled. "Shikamaru explained it to me. They have a habit of regularly setting aside time to spend thirty minutes thinking about how each person they know could destroy them, and how they could destroy that person. I thought we should try it."

"A bit much, don't you think?" Mari said, looking pointedly around the room at the large array of activated privacy seals ("Can't let those Hyūga stinkers spy on us with their cheating eyeballs!"), multiple chalkboards, stacks of paper, brushes, a small bowl of Gō stones, and the kitchen egg timer.

Hazō shrugged and turned the timer over, setting a single Gō stone next to it. "It seemed like a good idea. Just try it, okay?"

The twenty-don't-ask-years-old clan matriarch shrugged. "Fine. Where do you want to start?"

"Money," Hazō said, turning to write across the first blackboard in large kanji. "It's one of our biggest weak points right now, given the loss of the Pangolin gold. We need to establish revenue streams quickly, which means setting up investments with merchants. If someone wanted to interfere with that, they could disguise themselves as one of us and poison our professional relationships."

"Seems a bit baroque," Mari noted. "Complex false-flag plays like that are fragile. If you make a mistake then the scam will come out, at which point you've driven the two parties closer together and united them against you. If Hyūga wanted to destroy us, it would make more sense to draw on their political connections, undoubtedly bottomless supply of blackmail opportunities, and vast wealth. Economic warfare is legal and incredibly effective, especially among rich clans where the lack of liquidity provides pressure points."

"'Liquidity?" Noburi asked. "What?"

"Cash is liquid because you can spend it immediately," Mari explained. "Other things may be valuable, but you need to sell them before you have physical money that you can spend. The Hyūga are rich, but they probably don't have a lot of actual ryō sitting in their vault. Most of their money is going to be in the form of land ownership, or interest-bearing loans that they've made to various business owners, or percentage ownership of a caravan, or information about trade opportunities that their ninja have scouted and are bidding out to appropriate traders. Those things are money, but you can't buy a bowl of ramen with them. It takes time to convert them into liquid cash that you can actually spend on physical stuff, or invest in a business."

"Okay," Noburi said, nodding. "So, say that sawmill owner wanted to take a loan so he could grow his business. The Gōketsu could do it on good terms and make money off the interest on the loan, everybody wins. The Asshat Collective doesn't want us to get that money because they are asshats who sit around wearing hats made out of asses while thinking up new ways to be asshats. Maybe they don't have enough cash to buy out the loan opportunity before we get there, so instead they tell the sawmill guy that if he takes our investment then the Hyūga will not buy any of his products, and they will also order their bootlickers not to buy from him either."

"Like the Merchant Council calling embargo," Kagome-sensei said.

"Spot on," Mari said, nodding in approval. "Although the Merchant Council embargo is really the bijū attack of economic warfare. No one wants to go that far at the start of the day."

"Going back to the point," Hazō said, "someone could poison the well against us by going around in disguise as us, spreading rumors and blackening our names." He cocked his head. "Or by actually poisoning one of the wells, while wearing a disguise of us and making sure to be seen. Or they could disguise themselves and sneak onto the compound. Oh...hm. Could we disguise ourselves as Hyūga and sneak onto their compound? Or maybe—"

"If I may interrupt this descent into madness," Mari said. "That idea about spreading rumors works. A general whisper campaign is easy to pull off and can be very effective, especially if it targets a fracture point. For example, you can drive a wedge between spouses by making it sound like one of them is cheating. Or between siblings by making the less extroverted one think that the other one is laughing about them. That kind of thing."

"Why all this focus on disguises, Hazō?" Akane asked. "They wouldn't need to be disguised to spread whispers."

Hazō shrugged. "I dunno, they've just been on my mind. I keep thinking about the fourth event at the Chūnin Exams."

"Ugh," Noburi said. "I still can't believe they made me ask around for an erectile dysfunction cure."

"Don't worry, Nobs," Hazō said kindly. "I'm sure you won't need to worry about that for at least twenty or thirty months."

"You're older than I am, bucko. My mighty dragon will be roaring long after your granite walls have turned to mud."

"Forget the whole thing about disguises," Kagome-sensei said quickly. "Let's talk about something else. Something that isn't disguises. Like money. We were talking about money, right?"

"Right," Hazō said. He paused. "Although...what's the problem with disguises?"

"Nothing! There's no problem with disguises. No reason that we shouldn't talk about them, none at all. It's just that they're really boring. So there's no need to talk about them. Money is way more interesting." He grabbed a handful of nuts and threw them in his mouth, chewing frantically. "O' nuf! We cou' ta'k a'out nuf!"

"Kagome," Mari said. "You're hiding something. What is it?"

Kagome-sensei swallowed convulsively. "Nothing! I'm not hiding a thing! Open book, that's me. There's nothing odd about disguises and they've always worked exactly the way they do now which is why they're really, really boring and not worth talking about."

"Kagome."

Kagome-sensei's eyes shifted nervously. "Yes?"

"What are you hiding?"

The sealmaster opened his mouth...and then closed it again. He sighed and poured himself a cup of tea, slumping back in his chair and blowing on it to cool it. "Yes, there is something. No, I really don't want to talk about it. It's—"

Hazō flashed back to some of the things that he sincerely wished Kagome-sensei had never told him, as well as some of his more awful sealing failure stories. The parade of horrific memories momentarily drowned out the man in question, and when Hazō snapped back to awareness there was silence at the table.

Crap. What had Kagome-sensei said? Admitting that he hadn't been paying attention would be rude and hurtful; well, fortunately, the man had been clear about the fact that he didn't want to discuss it, so Hazō had a ready-made excuse.

"Well, moving on," he began. "Let's—"

"Wait," Akane said, frowning. "I'm sorry, Kagome. I apologize, but I got distracted for a moment. Did you say 'even if I was allowed to tell you'?"

Kagome-sensei gave the tiny snort of a man to whose miserably low expectations the universe had just lived down. "Yes. Look, it's not worth it, okay? Let it go."

"Is someone threatening you, Kagome?" Mari demanded, her tone serious. "That's not something we can allow."

Kagome-sensei sighed and rubbed his balding head in frustration. "No one is threatening me."

"Then why wouldn't you be allowed to tell us?"

"Just let it go, all right? You all think I'm crazy already. Let's not make it worse."

"Sensei! We don't think you're crazy!"

Kagome-sensei eyed Hazō with a magnificently doubtful eyebrow. "Really." He slurped a sip of his tea, not releasing Hazō's gaze. "So you think I'm just as sane and normal as everyone else at this table?"

Hazō paused. "Well...uh, I mean...Akane is way saner than the rest of us! And none of us are 'normal', right? We're ninja."

"Mm-hm. Let's talk about money. It's much more interesting."

"Kagome," Akane said, reaching out to touch the older man's hand. "We won't force you to tell us anything you don't want to if it doesn't threaten our clan." She paused, smiling for just a moment as the novelty sank in.

"Oh, hey, speaking of that, I've got the paperwork," Noburi said, digging around in his pocket and pulling out a sheaf of papers. "Hazō, you just need to sign this and put the Gōketsu seal on it, then I take it back to the Tower and boom! New sister and—" He cocked his head, frowning. "Akane, if you're my sister and they're your parents but neither of them is my parent then does that make them my uncle and aunt, or is it one of those weird cousin things that I can never keep straight?"

"Technically, everyone is everyone's cousin unless they have a more specific relationship," Hazō said helpfully. "Since the original humans were created in the Land of Water and spread from there, we're all descended from the same people." He frowned. "It's a little weird when you think about it...don't most clans make a point of exogamous marriage at least once a generation, just to ensure that their blood doesn't grow weak? If we're all descended from the same woman, shouldn't there be more birth problems?" He paused, thinking. "Oh, maybe that's what civilians are—ninja whose blood got too weak and they lost chakra?" He shook his head. "No, that doesn't make sense. The Sage gave chakra to everyone, so there should have been nothing but ninja in the beginning."

Mari was frowning and shaking her head as though trying to dislodge an annoying fly. "Wait," she said. "There was something, but I got distracted." Her eyes went to the ceiling and her fingers flicked slightly as she combed back through her thoughts. "Hazō had this whole list of Hazō ideas about whisper campaigns and poisoning wells and people sneaking onto our compound or us sneaking onto the Hyūga compound, but I can't remember exactly what he said. Why can't I remember?" A hint of fear brushed her words at the end.

"Is something wrong, sensei?" Akane asked.

"I should be able to remember exactly what Hazō said, but I don't," the redhead said, the hint of fear having graduated to a genuine note of near-panic. "That's a key part of my training as an infiltrator: Remember conversations and visual details accurately for at least long enough so there's a chance to record them." She squeezed her eyes closed, concentrating. "Hazō, you were the last one into the room. The order was me, Noburi, Akane, Kagome, you. You were carrying the tea tray. It had a pot of tea with steam coming out of the spout. There were five cups in an arc behind it; the rightmost one was the chipped one and I remember thinking that I should throw that out before it cracked the rest of the way. The tray had three bowls, left to right from my perspective: honeyed almonds, carrot sticks, and the last of those apples that you harvested up in Iron the first time we were there and have been hoarding in your scrolls. Noburi asked 'What's this all about, Hazō?' and you set the tray down before you replied." Eyes still closed, she gestured with one finger. "You distributed the bowls and Kagome promptly grabbed the honeyed almonds. You said it was a Nara thing where they try to figure out how to destroy each other, I asked if the blackboards and whatever weren't a bit much, you said it seemed like a good idea. You wanted to start with money. You said: 'It's one of our biggest weak points right now, given the loss of the Pangolin gold. We need to establish revenue streams quickly, which means setting up investments with merchants. If someone wanted to interfere with that, they could poison our professional relationships.' Then I said 'Seems a bit baroque. Complex false-flag plays like that are fragile.'" She stopped talking and opened her eyes, frowning. "That doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't, sensei?" Akane asked.

"A whisper campaign to sabotage professional relationships is not a false-flag play. It would only be a false flag if you were pretending to be the person you were spreading the rumors about, but that's not generally a good move. There's too many points of failure for it to work for long, unless you have massive resources behind you. The truth will always come out, and once it does you've driven the two parties closer together and turned them against you."

"What do you mean 'unless you have massive resources behind you'?" Akane asked.

Mari shrugged. "If you want to pull a false flag then you need to have huge amounts of detail to back it up, and a plausible story. It's similar to that story Kagome told us, where Wind set up that 'secret outpost' in order to hide the fact that they'd cracked the Steel Tree code. That wasn't technically a false flag since they weren't pretending to be someone other than who they actually were, but the idea is similar. That wasn't something that a single infiltrator could have done; it required the coordinated efforts of a nation state."

"We're getting sidetracked again," Noburi said. "Mari, you were talking about your memory slipping."

Mari's eyes widened. "Yes, I was. And then I got distracted and wandered off in my thoughts." Her face went pale. "Oh, Sage. I'm getting brain-sick, just like my Gran. I'm going to forget who you all are and start wandering the streets in my nightgown trying to find people who died years ago."

"You're not sick," Kagome-sensei said. "You're not sick and you're not going to forget us. You're just trying to think about something that shifted Out and reality isn't letting you."

Four pairs of eyes stared at him.

"What."

"You're not sick, Mari. Reality sometimes loses bits of itself, and you're trying to think about one of the bits that it lost. You won't be able to, so just let it go."

"Sensei..." Hazō began. He paused, unsure of where to go from there.

Kagome-sensei sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "I'm going to explain this, and you're all going to get distracted partway through. Tomorrow, you'll remember the outline of this conversation but bits of it will have disappeared from your memory and the rest will be a little fuzzy. You'll mostly remember me being crazy."

Hazō bit his lip nervously. There had been a lot of times that Kagome-sensei had gone off on crazy diatribes since he'd known the man. For example, every use of the word 'lupchanz'.

Mari reached out and grabbed some paper, an inkwell, and a brush. She dipped the brush and swirled elegant kanji across the page: I am not brain sick. Kagome said reality loses bits of itself and I was trying to remember one. She finished writing and looked up, brush poised above the paper. "I am not forgetting this," she said fiercely. "Talk."

Kagome-sensei smiled sadly. "You can try. It won't help. The inkwell will get knocked over, obscuring your notes. If you keep it in a deep baking pan so that a spill wouldn't reach the notes then the teapot will crack and the tea will soak the pages, smearing the ink. If you take the teapot and the cups out of the room right now then after we leave you'll put the notes on your desk and tonight they'll be ruined by an entirely plausible leak in the roof. There's always something."

He shrugged. "But, fine. I'll try again.

"You've heard me say this before: Reality is like a cobweb. Easily torn, but the parts are sticky so they glue themselves back together afterwards. Sometimes, when it gets torn, parts of the cobweb don't reattach. They fall Out."

Hazō couldn't help but remember the first time Kagome-sensei had warned him about the Out, and how it was best not to think too much about what, or who, might dwell there. Was this truly a safe conversation to be having? The older sealmaster had been sufficiently emphatic that even Hazō had declined to consider ways of weaponizing such a thing. Although, it might be possible to—

"Hazō," Kagome-sensei said.

"Hm? Yes, sorry. What?"

"You got distracted, right?"

Hazō paused. "Yes? I was just remembering the first time you told me about the Out, and how dangerous it was. Should we really be talking about it? For that matter, what is it exactly—maybe one of those inversion points where the fifth-dimension bridges should link up to the sixth but don't? Because I always wondered—"

"Stop," Mari said. "You're getting sidetracked. Kagome, you were talking about reality being like a cobweb."

The older man nodded. "You lost your notes," he said, pointing at the page in front of her.

Mari looked down to find out that the brush she'd been holding poised above the paper had dripped, ruining several of the kanji and rendering the notes meaningless. "Damnit!"

"Not your fault. Anyway, when reality forgets a piece of itself, I call that a 'shift'. Something shifts Out and it's gone. No one remembers it. Records that referred to it are blank or lost. Sand used to have gliders, but then they shifted Out. Now there's a whole bunch of ninja who don't understand why their combat skills are terrible.

"Until a few weeks ago, there was a ninjutsu called 'henge'. It was an Academy technique that allowed you to turn into a different person. Older, younger, male, female, whatever. Literally every ninja in the world knew it."

"Kagome," Mari said carefully, "shapeshifting is something that every infiltration specialist in the history of the world has wanted. Something like that would be an S-rank secret of whichever village invented it."

Kagome-sensei shrugged. "Dunno. Literally every ninja in the world knew it. It was one of the Basic Three ninjutsu taught in every Academy."

Noburi frowned. "Wait, you mean the Twin Techniques, right? Clone and Substitution?"

"There were three until just a few weeks ago," Kagome-sensei said firmly. "It disappeared right after the fourth event of the Chūnin Exams." He paused. "For that matter, that isn't even the first time henge has shifted. Until about two years ago, henge would let you turn into animals if you were good enough at it." He smiled sadly. "I really enjoyed flying. I used to become a chakra eagle. Made hunting so much easier."

"How is it that you remember this when no one else does?" Akane asked.

Kagome-sensei shrugged. "Dunno. The shifts have always affected my abilities but not my memories. I can't use henge anymore, but I still remember it."

"'Have always'?" Mari asked warily. "How many of these things have there been?"

"Dozens during my lifetime. Who knows how many before me?" He glanced to the side. "You still with us, Noburi?"

Noburi jumped and looked guilty. "Yep. Right here. No problem."

"How many shifts have there been?" Kagome-sensei demanded, his tone clearly saying he knew what the answer would be.

"...Okay, busted. Sorry, I got distracted. I was thinking what it would be like to fly like an eagle, and that got me thinking about when we ran from Snow to the islands on skywalkers. Those were good days."

"Indeed," Akane said wistfully. "Simpler times."

"Remember that sunset?" Hazō asked, smiling across the table at Akane.

"Indeed. It was very beautiful." She smiled back.

"Yeah, well, the part I remember was you lot yapping after the sky squid went past," Mari said with a laugh. "We had just left fucking Snow and had been running all day every day, above the clouds where it was chilly all the time. I was tired and grumpy and honestly wouldn't have minded if the damn thing had eaten us as long as I could get some decent sleep."

"I feel you," Noburi said, grinning. "I didn't want to say anything, but I was bushed at the time. I was so glad when we made it to the islands."

Hazō's brother paused, eyes lighting up at a memory. "Oh, wow, remember those bushes with the super resilient leaves that made such a great bed? Man, I have never slept as well before or since. We should send minions to get us some of those." He turned to Hazō. "You're the Clan Head, you can go hire some minions. Go forth and be useful, Clan Head!"

Kagome-sensei leaned back in his chair, his expression somewhere between resigned and bemused. Hazō gave him a concerned look; the older man shook his head and waved a hand dismissively, offering his student a grateful smile. Hazō considered him for a moment, then shrugged and returned his attention to the conversation.





XP AWARD: 5

The plan is full of fascinating stuff, although it's way too huge for one or probably even two updates. Call it a 4 XP plan; if it had been more manageable I would probably have gone to 5 XP base. That's not super relevant since the update covered less than an hour, which is almost never going to get more than the 1 XP base award that this update gets.

On top of the base there's +1 XP for brevity and +3 XP bonus for having 46 unique voters.

Note that the formula I used for "bonus XP for many voters" this time was super generous in order to provide motivation, mostly as a way to see how many lurkers we had. It's not on the table for next time, but I might or might not throw an extra point onto the next Sunday update if participation remained especially high...hint, hint. (Questions about "how high" will receive a dignified silence in reply.)

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, June 12, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
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Chapter 268.2 : Bureaucracy and Bylaws
Chapter 268.2 : Bureaucracy and Bylaws

Mr. Hayashi Yūta the miller and Ms. Katō Yūka the furnisher were waiting for her by the gate an hour before noon. Mari wondered briefly if the similarity in their names had helped their relationship - Ishihara Kenta had told her the two were on good terms and had worked together in the past, and had both worked with his own shop as well. She raised her voice. "Oh, good morning gentlemen! Hayashi, I'm afraid I didn't expect you so early - not that it isn't a pleasure to see you again, but I may be distracted for a bit while these two get sorted out..." Always good to layer a bit of a guilt trip.

"Don't worry, Lady Gouketsu," Kenta asserted. "I believe Katō and I can do just fine examining the gate and some of the outbuildings. We should have a list of what kinds of wood and how much need to start working on repairing and furnishing them by the time you get back."

"Oh, wonderful!" Mari responded, clapping her hands together for dramatic effect. "In that case, Hayashi, could I ask you to escort me to the Tower? If I can drop these seals off a little early and we can discuss business on the way, I should have some time this afternoon to stop by the Yamanaka flower shop!"

She had of course already sent a message to keep Lady Yamanaka updated via a flower-order which would neither need to be arranged nor picked up, but that was neither here nor there.

"I'm happy to see you and Katō getting along well. I would hate to have to choose only one of your businesses to invest in!" Mari said as she and Hayashi headed out into the city.

"Oh, yes, of course! She is a very trustworthy customer."

"Ah, I'm glad to hear it. Ishihara had good things to say about both of you, after all. So tell me, do you suppose that a closer relationship between the three of you might be helpful? I'm no tradeswoman, so I am only speculating, but I would hope..." Speculating. As if she hadn't been over the numbers once with Keiko and twice with Ishihara.

By the time they arrived at the Tower, Hayahsi was practically salivating at the idea of Gōketsu-mediated cooperation among his lumberers and millworkers, Ishihara's carpentry, and Katō's furniture and repair shop. He was only too happy to agree to an initial cooperative project - having Noburi and Akane to escort his lumber crew outside the city to obtain what Ishihara and Katō needed to get to work on the estate outbuildings. ("Let's try out a more traditional first venture, hm? I don't think Lord Gōketsu will be available to help though... my poor son Hazou is so busy these days with his new duties after the death of my husband. You know, the Hokage?")

A mission which, as it turns out, Mari was only too happy to pay for, handing over a pouch of coin as they approached the building. "Hayashi, why don't you go to the mission desk and sort that out? I need to speak with the seal requisition desk and lighten my load a little", Mari suggested with a disarming smile. "Gamma, would you be a dear and update everyone on the plan for this afternoon?"

"You got it Aunty Red!" the cheerful Naruto accompanying her replied with a sloppy salute. He formed a single handseal, almost simultaneously creating and dismissing a copy of himself. A moment later he said, "Yup, Prime let Buff Sis and Barrel Bro know!"

After briefly chatting with the scarred boy handling seal exchanges today ("Here is Clan Gōketsu's seal tax for the month, and also several seals which we are presenting for first-refusal. What's that, your budget for the month is still near-full and you want to buy all of them? Lovely."), Mari sauntered to the mission desk to catch up with Hayashi.

By sheer coincidence, a mission she thought her kids would be interested in had just been posted! "Ah, excellent, Gōketsu will be happy to take that! The kids need to get out of the house, they're driving me absolutely batty staying around the estate. Hayashi, if you want to ask the Tower about buying seals you should go down that hallway here and then take a right. See you soon!"

-o-​

"Now, Noburi, Akane, it's very important that you understand you are assisting, not replacing, and that these men are lumberers, not carpenters. Protect them from whatever plants and animals are around, and it's fine if you help top the tree, remove the branches, cut it into easily-portable sections, help put it in the carts or even into storage seals, but you are not to do anything they would not normally do."

Mari waited for their nods before continuing. "Excellent. Akane, dearest, would you help me prepare some ice and chilled tea to send along with the boys? We don't want those poor softfoots overexerting themselves. And Noburi, actually, if you could bug Hazou about how to make a makeshift Force Wall saw the lumberjacks can use themselves, that might be even better from the Merchant Council's perspective. Just in case."

-o-​

Akane was practically bouncing with excitement. "So Mr. Head Lumberjack, which trees were you planning to cut up? I need to check them for anything dangerous. Allowing our charges to be harmed in anyway would be deeply unyouthful, after all!"

The large woodcutter, roughly three times as large around as Akane, bowed respectfully and indicated with a nod. "That one there, miss honorable ninja ma'am. That's the right type and size for what the request Mr. Miller got."

"Interesting! Out of curiosity, how exactly would one go about cutting such a tree?"

"Um, well. We'd make one cut straight in on the side we want it to fall toward, and then one cut down at an angle like so," the man answered, showing with one horizontal hand and the other coming down onto it, "opening up an angled space in the wood. Then we drive a wedge into the opposite side to slowly push the trunk toward that space."

"Superb! Stand back while I look for anything dangerous." Akane approached nonchalantly and placed a palm against the trunk, then frowned a little. She stepped back briefly, and then called out, "Everyone cover your ears! 3, 2, 1... Katon - Forceful Fire Bullet!"

As the dust cleared, she smiled back at the crew. "I thought there might be some dangerous bugs buried in the trunk there. If they were there, then they're dead now. Incidentally, how similar is that hole to the cuts you were planning?"

-o-​

"Sure, we wouldn't say no to help, but if you guys get hurt that's pretty bad, whereas clones... just kind of aren't important," Noburi explained with a shrug to the inquisitive crew sitting in the shade as he passed out cool water from his pack of storage seals. His clones were hard at work driving loop-ended nails into the trunk so it could be looped into the pulleys the lumberjacks had brought along and raised up so a Force Wall could be set under it.

"Ah, um, I see, thank you for indulging my foolish question honorable mister ninja, sir," the crewmember who'd spoken up responded. "Forgive me, I've never seen such a thing up close."

"Don't be thanking me just yet, those guys only last a little while. All of us are going to need to get in there and sweat before the day's out. In the meantime, can I interest you in some of my mother's chilled mint tea?"

-o-​

"Hayashi, Katō, thank you both so much for helping us out today. Could I impose on you to stay for dinner? I know it's only been a couple days, but I believe we really should speak with my son about starting to make some of these arrangements official. He's the clan head, you know, so he has final say over our budget...

"What's that? Oh, no, I would never have gone behind his back for the initial payment, that was just my personal spending money. The head of the family has authority over any big purchases." (After accounting for the fact that we got a big chunk of it back since we took the mission we funded, but who's keeping track?) "Won't you please stay? My brother is making a stew with some of the shrimp the kids brought back from the tournament in Hidden Mist. You know, the one my daughter, Lady Nara, won? She had to light her poor brother on fire to do it, but don't remind Hazou- I mean, Lord Gouketsu of that. He might still be a bit touchy about it - promise me that we'll keep it between us, yes?

"By the way, how did your request to buy the seal equipment from the Tower go, Hayashi? What? The Merchant Council doesn't even want the Tower to sell useful tools to Leaf's loyal craftsmen? That is to say... I'm not one to question the decisions of merchants in the realm of merchant-ing, but I can't say that makes all that much sense to me. I could understand if the Council was merely against ninja selling directly, but surely they wouldn't accuse the Tower of competing with or being unfair to civilians, right? That would be practically seditious! I do hope they'll come to their senses soon. Ah, here we are. Kagome! It's Mari! Seven seven bluefin! I hope you made plenty, because I'm bringing a couple of guests!"



Rather than selling a Force Wall seal (thus requiring you to go through the Tower's right of first refusal), can you rent a device that includes a Force Wall seal to a carpenter or mason?

If not, could the carpenter's guild hire you for a mission and pay out a combination of cash now + a bonus calculated as a percentage of (revenue generated or costs reduced) by the ninja's efforts?
According to Mari, current Merchant Council rules would prevent you from selling or renting such a thing to civilians because, no matter what, you're competing with or disadvantaging someone.

Consider an example in which Alvin makes saws and Bill uses them.
  • If you sell to Alvin but not Bill then you are disadvantaging Bill, because he cannot buy something that he wants to buy and that someone else can buy. Alvin could go into business competing against him, or Bill would have to buy the seals from Alvin at an inflated price. (i.e., not the same price that Alvin paid)
  • If you sell to Bill, or even sell to both, then you are competing with Alvin.
Notably, this does not preclude missions where a group of ninja are hired to escort, protect, and assist a bunch of lumberjacks as they do their jobs...
 
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Chapter 269: Clan Meeting #1

Dinner was eaten. Hayashi and Katō had been ushered out amidst much polite bowing and words of gratitude and friendship. Dishes were put away. Everyone was sprawled over various pieces of furniture in the common room, except for Kenta and Yukari, who could at most be considered to be 'sitting very close together' instead of even 'cuddling', much less 'sprawling' on the loveseat. It was time for the announcement.

"Welcome to the First Official Clan Gōketsu Clan Meeting."

Mari's face split in a massive grin that utterly ruined the sense of gravitas Hazō had been trying for. Her eyes went wide, she clasped her hands under her chin with fingers interlaced, and let out a nigh-hypersonic squeal. "Eeeee! So adorable! You're being a grownup!" She rolled her head to the right, where Gōketsu-née-Ishihara Yukari was not-cuddling with her husband. "Isn't he adorable?"

The woman in question had clearly not internalized the concept that she was now a Gōketsu and sitting in her own absolutely enormous living room (that was in fact the size of the Ishihara-family-home ground floor) as opposed to being a guest in the house of a group of very weird ninja who did not know the basics of ninja/civilian interactions. She wasn't sure whether to smile (so as to not offend Mari) or frown (so as to not offend Hazō) or what. She settled for an expression that could really only be described as 'nervous grimace'.

"It's okay, mom," Gōketsu Akane said. "Mari-sensei is just being a tease. She does that."

"Ah," Yukari said faintly.

"Speaking of Mari," Hazō said, desperately trying to get things...well, not back on track, since they'd never been there in the first place, but at least moving generally in the direction of where the tracks might have been made. "Mari, you've been holding out on us. As your Clan Head, I need to know what our best agent is doing. It is critical to our ability to survive and thrive."

"Not much, really," she said. She was currently sprawled full-length on one of the overstuffed couches, her head propped up on the armrest in order to make it easier to nibble on some of the chocolate-coated sesame sticks that Kagome-sensei had supplied as dessert. "Visiting friends, commiserating with the family of the fallen, overthrowing the social order of Leaf, and selling seals. The usual."

"Go back to that second-to-last part," Hazō said, frowning. "That sounded important."

"Hm? Oh, that. Yes, well, I'm convincing business owners that the Merchant Council is a horrible idea that is interfering with the Gōketsu's ability to make them insanely wealthy and therefore they should pressure the members of the Merchant Council into letting us do whatever we want. I figure that since no Gōketsu is going to be eligible for the Hokage's hat for at least another generation, the least we can do is end up controlling the entire Leaf economy so we can make the office of the Hokage irrelevant." She paused to take a bite of the sesame sticks and moaned in gustatory delight. "Kagome, these are amazing. What is that flavoring?"

"You like it?! I wasn't sure. I added some—"

"Excuse me," Noburi said. "It sounded like Mari said 'make the office of the Hokage irrelevant'. Could we hear more about this thing that I'm really hoping is not treasonous? I like our house, and my bed, and not being in a killbox."

"Oh, pish," Mari said, dismissing the entire issue with a magnificently dismissive hand wave of dismissal. "Nothing I've done is even on the border of illegal. Do you want to know my secret weapon for turning civilian merchants into unknowing agents working hard to destroy Leaf's current social fabric? Respect. I am polite, I treat them like adults who are competent in their professional fields. Every merchant in this town is used to ninja being supercilious, vaguely condescending, and generally unpleasant. Word is getting around about that nice Lady Gōketsu and how she actually"—she gasped and let the bowl of snacks drop back onto her chest so she could place both hands on her cheeks in kabuki astonishment—"apologizes when she makes a mistake! Oh, the humanity!" She took her hands down and went back to nibbling.

Silence reigned. Looks were exchanged. Worries were wordlessly communicated.

"That...can't be true," Noburi said slowly.

"It absolutely is," Akane replied, all humor or lightness gone from her voice. "My parents are treated marginally better because their daughter is a ninja. Even so, ninja customers are horrible."

"Kenta, Yukari?" Hazō asked. "Could you tell us more about that?"

The two civilians exchanged nervous looks and then looked to their daughter for support. Only when they got her nod did Kenta face Hazō, square his shoulders, and reply.

"Yukari does not go in the front of the store when there are male ninja in the shop. They know full well that they can be handsy with 'softfoot' women without any consequence. They are arrogant, and rude, and frequently violent."

"I thought that wasn't allowed?" Hazō said, frowning. "We got a big speech from Jiraiya about how violence against civilians wasn't allowed."

Yukari snorted. "My brother Sora accidentally got in the way of an Akimichi ninja two days ago. He didn't actually bump him, just obstructed his path for a moment. The man was in a foul mood, so instead of stepping aside he stiff-armed Sora out of the way. Slammed him into a wall so hard he cracked a rib. He's bruised from shoulder to hip and he can't raise his left arm without pain."

"That sounds like chakra-boosted strength," Noburi said carefully. "You're saying that an Akimichi ninja took a positive action to injure a civilian via chakra use. Not just that he pushed him aside forcefully, which he shouldn't have done in the first place, but actively chose to use chakra in the act."

"It...might not have been a positive action," Hazō said. "At least, not in the eyes of the law. It's easy to use chakra boost by reflex if you're angry or upset. It wouldn't have actually been a conscious choice." He raised both hands placatingly. "I'm not condoning it, I'm saying what I think the legal reply would be." He shrugged, letting his hands drop. "Besides, most of the Akimichi are unusually big and unusually strong. Sora apparently did not suffer crippling injuries, or even a broken bone, so who's to say if it was actually chakra boost?"

Yukari's lips tightened but no other trace of expression showed on her face.

"Yukari, I'm not condoning it," Hazō said firmly. "Jiraiya gave us all a briefing on the ninja/civilian laws and then had us review some of it in more detail on our own. I'm not an advocate, but I think that it was a crime and he should be punished. I also think that if it went to a tribunal then it would be difficult to prove either malicious intent or use of ninja abilities. There might be some official censure, but no actual conviction."

"Of course," Kenta said bitterly. "There are never charges, much less convictions, unless someone actually dies."

"Ah," Hazō said faintly. "I'm going to abandon all traces of hope and suspect that you are being literal."

"Civilians do not place charges unless there is a crippling injury or a death," Yukari said firmly. "Even if you win the suit—in front of a tribunal that are all ninja or Merchant Council thugs in bed with the ninja—the most you'll get is some monetary compensation, with the punishment of the ninja being the primary outcome so far as the law is concerned." He snorted. "What good does that do a son whose father is now dead because a ninja burned him to death with a jutsu?"

"Was that actually a thing?" Noburi asked, sounding sick.

"Yes," Akane said. "Hokage vs Minami Hashirama is taught at the Academy, in the Civilian Interaction part of the UCLJ class. Minami brought a family ring to a jeweler, Sasaki Shinja, to have the stone reset. Sasaki's store was robbed two nights later, and the ring was among the things stolen. Sasaki fled the city on that same night. Minami tracked him down in Tanzaku Gai, where he was attempting to hire an escort to River. Minami accused Sasaki of faking the robbery in order to steal his ring. There was an argument and Minami used a fire jutsu on Sasaki in an effort to make him talk. Minami must have been careless because the building caught fire and Sasaki was killed. None of the stolen property was ever recovered."

"That's horrible," Hazō said faintly.

"Did you notice the part where it's 'Hokage vs Minami Hashirama'?" Mari asked pointedly. "Yes, the Hokage is the ultimate authority in judicial matters and his title is on every case, but Sasaki's name didn't even appear. Also note that Sasaki was a very successful and well-to-do jeweler in his late forties, without much motivation to rob his own store. Akane, I'll bet a hundred ryō that the case you studied never suggested that he might have been fleeing not because he was guilty but because he was afraid."

"It did not."

"They're all afraid of us," Kagome-sensei said, as though it were obvious. "How have you not noticed this? When I'm walking Honoka home from school, no civilian comes within five feet of us."

"So, there's my secret weapon," Mari said grimly. "Respect for civilians. And, of course, it's perfectly understandable why the Gōketsu would have that, since it's well known that our matriarch is a mudfoot, that the clan adopts clanless ninja and civilians, and that the Clan Head made a crazy speech at the Chūnin Exams about how civilians are people and just as valuable as ninja and we should use ninja magic to help them. Then I show them some of that ninja magic that would be absolutely perfect for their business and make clear that I am embarrassed about not being allowed to sell it to them. Finally, I show that it's easy to work around the rules—I'm not supposed to give a civilian a storage seal, but I can put our heavy armoire in one and sell the seal to the furniture repairman for a single ryō and tell her 'oh, just tear it open when you get home and the armoire will pop out. Can I pick it up on Tuesday?'"

Questions collided in Hazō's brain, all clamoring that they should be the highest priority, and left him unable to articulate any of them. He sat dumbly, one finger upraised, with everyone watching him expectantly.

"I don't even know where to start," he said at last, lowering his finger. "In no particular order: You realize that storage seals don't reliably dispense their contents when destroyed? How is it well known that you're civilian-born? Don't call yourself a mudfoot. I don't like that word. Is this tactic actually working? How does it render the office of the Hokage irrelevant? Won't there be fallout? Why is it impossible for the Gōketsu to win the hat in the next—" He stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind, I can figure that one out. What about the rest of it?"

Mari smiled approvingly at his last words. "Yes, I know that storage seals aren't reliable on destruction. They are reliable enough so long as there's nothing obstructing the ejection point, and when they do fail they just eat their contents."

"No," Kagome said. "Not always. Almost always, if the seal is destroyed and the ejection point is obstructed then the contents simply vanish. Very occasionally, something bad happens."

Mari went pale. "Ah. I did not know that."

Kagome shrugged. "Well, now you do," he said, poking at the bowl of stewed artichoke hearts that he'd salvaged from the post-dinner destruction. (They'd been popular, since he'd been very careful about draining the blood after the last time.)

"When you say 'bad'...?"

He shrugged again, not looking up from where he was poking his food. "I've never heard of it being any of the more esoteric failures. Generally just the usual. Blood, death, screaming, that kind of thing."

"Ah." She paused. "I shall remember that in future."

"Ohhhhkay then," Noburi said. "So, to summarize: Mari, you did not accidentally the city and you're going to continue not doing that. You're not running for the hat and are confident none of our clan will have a shot for decades. Instead, you're trying to take over the Leaf economy, not by getting rid of the Merchant Council but by getting us exemptions from all their rules. Your theory is that once we either own everything or are invested in it, you can use that like a club against the Hokage and the other clans."

"Not me," Mari said. "Hazō. He's the Clan Head in name and fact right now, and Naruto has made clear that even after he officially takes the job and becomes Head in name, Hazō is still going to be Head in fact."

"I had wondered why Naruto wasn't eating with us," Akane said. "You didn't want him to know about this, did you?"

"No, not at all," Mari said, seeming hurt. "I would never conceal information from someone who is going to at some point in the future actually be in charge of the clan, after he gets around to joining. It just happens that he is absent on the night that Hazō, in his capacity as Clan Head, ordered me to report on my actions." She took a demure sip of tea and then replaced the cup disturbingly close to the edge of the sidetable. "A fortuitous coincidence, since I'm sure he would find all this talk of economics very boring."

"Ah."

"In fairness," Mari said, almost as an afterthought, "I was unclear earlier. Naruto has an excellent chance of becoming Hokage in the future, but not in this election. Both of the plausible candidates, Hyūga and Asuma, are relatively young, so Naruto is unlikely to wear the hat at any point before the next generation of Gōketsu are born."

"'Asuma'?" Akane asked. "You're on first names?"

"Of course," Mari said, smiling. "His girlfriend and I have been friends for months—don't you recall me calling her 'Kurenai' when you and her team sparred? Naturally, she and Asuma and I have gone for tea often enough that Asuma and I have become friends in our own right."

The rest of the table digested that.

"So we're backing Sarutobi for the hat," Hazō said. "That's good. We got on reasonably well when he and his team were escorting us—"

Noburi grinned. "You mean when you attacked him in the library?"

"—reasonably well when they were escorting us, and the fact that he's so closely allied with ISC gives us a good foundation."

"Indeed," Mari said. "Obviously, we can't stand to have Hyūga get the hat. Unfortunately, the only other viable candidates are Asuma or Akimichi Chōza, and neither of them actually want the job. I've convinced Asuma that he needs to stand up; he'll do it, but he's not thrilled at the idea."

"A reluctant Hokage," Hazō mused. "Interesting. And he will have gotten the job due to the machinations of the Gōketsu, who are close allies of his students and whose matriarch is a personal friend. And, of course, if any civilian were to bring a complaint to the Merchant Council about us competing with them economically, he or his hand-picked representative would be on the investigating committee and the subsequent tribunal."

Mari smiled. "A fortuitous confluence of events, wouldn't you say? Although, if anyone brings a complaint to the Council then we're doing it wrong. The goal is to make things better for everyone, not just us. Both because it's the right thing to do and because it will result in us being respected and loved. Respect, love, and having made society richer means safety and power for us."

Kenta and Yukari exchanged looks; a lifetime of marriage allowed for what was clearly deep communication, but was utterly opaque to Hazō.

"Uplift is kinda our thing," Noburi said, smiling at the two newest clan members. "We've been working towards it for a long time, doing what good we can, and if the Merchant Council will just get out of our way we can help a lot of people."

Kenta licked his lips nervously before clearly forcing himself to speak. "If you start using ninja magic for commerce, won't that be...bad? Everyone knows that civilians can't compete. If it weren't for the Merchant Council, we would all be out of work and scrabbling in the dirt for food."

Hazō shrugged. "Well, let's run it down. Akane and Noburi were paid to help a lumberjack crew do in three hours what it would normally have taken them all day to accomplish. The mill owner has more supply at lower cost, meaning that he can sell wood for a lower price. That's good for everyone except the other sawmill owners near Leaf. How many such sawmill owners are there? Dozens." (He carefully did not acknowledge Mari's subtle flicking of fingers as she did her job by making the Clan Head look knowledgeable.) "They're all free to hire us for similar missions, and we're happy to help them the same as we did this time."

"But there aren't enough of you—" Yukari began.

"Us," Noburi interrupted, smiling. "You're Gōketsu too."

She ducked her head in thanks. "There aren't enough of us to do all those missions. Most of the mill owners will not be able to hire us, and no other ninja would do it. The clans because they can't be bothered to sully themselves, the clanless because they don't want to risk a complaint to the Merchant Council."

Mari shrugged. "The Merchant Council only cares about what impacts Leaf. So long as the mill owners in question sell their surplus outside of Leaf, it's not an issue. And they'll be motivated to do so because otherwise the supply of ninja assistance would dry up." She held up a hand to cut off Yukari's next objection. "Yes, someone may eventually make a spurious claim in order to cause trouble for one of their competitors. At which point the mill owner in question will produce extensive documentation that his prices inside Leaf have remained the same or lower and that he has had no drop in sales within Leaf, making all his profit outside of Leaf—probably in the outlying villages, which don't have Merchant Councils to get in the way."

"Aren't you afraid for your—for our reputation?" Kenta asked. "Ninja are warriors. They shouldn't sully themselves with manual labor, and it would be dangerous for them to do so; time spent cutting logs is time not spent training, meaning they're more likely to die on their next mission."

Mari laughed. "Our reputation? I'm a slut and all of us except you two and Akane are missing-nin traitors born in Leaf's greatest enemy. My son, our Clan Head, is a hopeless romantic and idealist with no understanding of how the world works. No offense, Hazō."

"Some taken."

She shrugged unapologetically. "It's how some people see you, and the narrative can be twisted to support it. I expect it will go away once we are insanely wealthy...enough gold hides the scent of the worst muck. And it won't hurt that we got there by helping the civilian population."

"But what about the ninja clans?" Yukari asked. "They'll all hate you."

"Eh. Some of them already do. The ones that actually matter won't—the Nara will admire us for 'breaking the standing paradigm in an unusual and highly adaptive way', or however they put it. The Akimichi and Yamanaka will follow their lead, and most of the minor clans will be excited about the idea of new opportunities that let them break out of the grip of the more powerful clans. On top of that, we're making it clear that we are a welcoming clan, open to working with, or even adopting, civilians and clanless ninja alike. We are a clan of mutts and ragamuffins; more and more clanless will join us over the years, until we are the largest, richest, and most powerful ragamuffins out there." Her smile became creepy. "We aren't a quiet group and no one is going to be neutral in their feelings about us. I'm okay if some of the clans hate us, as long as they fear us."

"...And on that highly disturbing note," Hazō said after a moment, "let's go back to the election. We're supporting Sarutobi for the hat. Mari, what's the breakdown of votes?"

"Not good, could be worse, relatively unchanged since our last talk. My guess is that there's only going to be two candidates: Hyūga and Asuma. Hyūga has been building towards this moment for decades; he's got influence over nearly everyone in some degree or other, as well as power and wealth. On the other hand, Asuma is the son of the Third, who was ridiculously popular and even outright revered. Unfortunately, he's young for the slot and considered not as strong in combat as Hyūga is, which will count against him."

"Yes, because being the best puncher is definitely the right criteria for ruling a nation," Hazō grumbled. "Seriously, would it kill anyone to choose based on leadership and political qualifications?"

"It literally might," Mari replied. "Remember how Jiraiya took the hat?"

"Hrm."

"Anyway, I expect the breakdown to go like this: Hyūga gets himself, Kyoshō, Inuzuka, Kurusu, Motoyoshi, Amori, Hagoromo, Aburame, and Uchiha. That's nine out of seventeen, which gives him the hat. Asuma gets himself, Minami, us, Nara, Akimichi, Yamanaka, Uzumaki, and Senju, total of eight. That's assuming that Tsunade votes at all; she's been making noises about getting the hell out of town and 'back to work'. If she does vote, she'll almost certainly vote for Asuma, just because Hyūga pisses her off. On the other hand, I'm worried that Hyūga is going to try to convince her he would be a better choice."

Hazō snorted. "Yeah, that'll happen."

"Don't be so sure. Hyūga getting elected would be terrible for us but it wouldn't be bad for Leaf."

Noburi gaped. "You can't be serious."

Mari shook her head. "Nope. Asuma getting elected would be better, but Hyūga getting elected wouldn't be bad. He's a powerful ninja, a savvy businessman, and he's got a strong sense of noblesse oblige that would make him work hard for the benefit of Leaf, and for Fire in general. Also, he's a little self-important, and would love to be remembered as the greatest Hokage ever. He can unite the other clans behind himself through a combination of charisma—which, let's be honest, he has in spades—and economic pressure. He would be isolationist, keeping Fire out of international politics as much as possible, which can be presented as a good way to stay out of wars. Absence of war would make Tsunade very happy, and if he threw in generous funding for her medical work, she might go for it...or at least abstain, which is nearly as bad from our perspective.

"On the other hand, Asuma would be more interactive. He's probably the most likely person to get behind the 'Uplift' concept and push, recognizing it as an investment that will pay off later. He would establish closer relations with the other nations and work to actively prevent war as opposed to merely failing to incite it. He would have a harder time uniting the clans—he's personable, but not as commanding as Hyūga, and his lacks the sheer power and presence that his father had. Leaf under him would be more fractious, different groups bumping heads. More opportunities for things to get better, but also for them to get worse.

"Anyway, we're currently looking at nine to eight. Hyūga isn't going to sit on his laurels; he's going to try to swing as many of our block as possible, or at least exclude them. He'll attempt to convince Tsunade; it's unlikely, but possible. If it doesn't work then he may try to have the vote stripped from Tsunade and Naruto, contending that the Senju and Uzumaki are dead clans since they each contain only a single member who could be argued as incapable of having kids. It's a tough sell, but might be possible. My expectation is that it would be crushed and the person who called for the vote humiliated, but that just means he'll have one of his bootlicker clans do it instead of calling for it himself."

"Let's assume he doesn't manage to pull that off," Hazō said. "We're losing eight to nine. How do we fix that?"

"The Hagoromo are only voting Hyūga because he owns them," Mari said. "If we can buy out their debts, or even just make them a big enough loan on favorable terms, then we could probably turn them. We have enough to do it, but it would drive a hole the size of the Hyūga ego through our bank account. We'd need to be able to make a lot of money very quickly—like, we'd need to be making roughly double our maintenance costs within two or three months."

"I have some ideas on that, actually," Hazō said. "What are the laws about land ownership? If we can clear it, can we have it? Between explosives, Force Wall saws, and storage seals for clearing stuff away, we can cut a lot of trees very quickly. Keiko's pangolins would let us track any varmints in the area, and Noburi would have no problem killing them. I'm pretty sure we could turn a lot of virgin forest into workable farmland within a couple weeks."

Everyone paused.

"I don't know," Mari said slowly. "Interesting idea, but I just don't know how the land ownership goes. I would presume that someone, probably either the Daimyo or the Hokage, owns all the land that hasn't been granted to someone else. At the absolute worst, we could get a lot of mission pay for clearing the land."

Hazō grimaced sourly. "Figures. All right, well, there's some other options. When we were in Hot Springs, ice was really valuable."

"Not so much in the middle of winter," Noburi pointed out. "Not sure if you've noticed, but the backyard is covered in the stuff."

"Sure," Hazō said. "Which makes it easy. We fill a few hundred storage seals with ice and make contracts with Hot Springs resort owners to ensure they have a steady supply all summer. If demand outstrips the amount we have saved up...Akane, we previously talked about you using your Elemental Mastery jutsu to make ice. Are you still willing?"

"Of course," she smiled. "If I can help the clan then it would be most unyouthful not to."

"Cool," Hazō said, smiling just a little to show that the pun was entirely deliberate. "Land. Ice. Also, salt."

Mari frowned. "Salt? The stuff is...what, three hundred ryō to the pound? It would take a lot of salt to support us. How are you going to beat the local prices without violating the Merchant Council rules?"

"We can make tons of the stuff easily," Hazō said blithely. "Salt is just seawater that's been exposed to air for long enough to dry out. We can go down to the coast and use Multiple Earth Wall to make catchments. Then Akane uses Elemental Mastery to raise the temperature enough to boil off the water so we can harvest the salt."

"I told you Hazō would find a way to make that jutsu useful," Akane said smugly, looking at Mari.

Mari shook her head ruefully. "In my defense, I was talking about combat applications at the time. This is an economic application."

"Actually...I had a thought about that," Hazō began. "If you cool things enough—

"No sidetracking, Mr Mew!" Noburi said. "We're already off track; we started with politics and now we're talking about money. And loading all of that salt sounds time-intensive. Is it really the most profitable use of our time? Sure, we could hire civilians to do it, but one of us would still need to stay to protect them. And we'd need to explain where the salt was coming from to the Merchant Council, or sell outside the city to places too small to have a Merchant Council. Which means places that don't have a lot of hard cash to pay with, so actually selling it will be time consuming and low-throughput. Unless we sell outside of Fire entirely, in which case our 'treasonous missing-nin' history makes us look pretty bad."

"Keiko? When did you get here?" Hazō demanded. "And why are you wearing Noburi's clothes?"

"Har de har har, Mr. Mew. Also, you mispronounced 'you are entirely correct Noburi, and I'm so glad you're here to save my doofy ass from being a doofus.'"

"Back on topic," Mari said, interrupting before things could escalate. "Okay, there are some ideas on where we make money. That's good. That means I can start talking to the Hagoromo about buying their loan. If we flip them and don't lose anyone else and Tsunade and Naruto are both allowed to vote, and Tsunade doesn't abstain or go for the Hyūga, we win. If we can't flip the Hagoromo but we can convince them to abstain then it's eight to eight and we go to the tiebreaker."

"What's the tiebreaker?" Noburi asked.

Mari shrugged. "I'm not sure there actually is one. There have only been four elections for Hokage, ever, so the rules around it are a little thin. I certainly haven't been able to find anything definitive. It might actually be trial by combat, presumably non-lethal. We need to prevent that, because Hyūga will win."

"Really?" Kagome asked. "I thought Sarutobi was the Monkey Summoner and a badass and all that?"

"He's young," Mari said. "Very skilled for his age, but not an unsurpassed prodigy the way his father and Jiraiya were. Hyūga, on the other hand, has the strongest Byakugan in the world, so it's impossible to sneak up on him, hide from him, or have any physical objects on your person that he's not aware of. He's also probably the world's greatest practicioner of the Gentle Fist style, and non-lethal combat always favors the Gentle-Fist user. Asuma is a melee combatant who typically fights with trench knives, which don't lend themselves to non-lethal combat. He'll be unable to use his primary skills while Hyūga will be fighting exactly in his sweet spot."

"But...monkeys!"

"I'm sure he'll use them, but I'm not sure what they'll have to offer that could make up for his disadvantages. There might be something, there might not."

"Forget tiebreakers," Hazō said. "I want a straight-out win. What about the Uchiha? If they flip and the Motoyoshi flip then we win. What's the word on the adoptions?"

She raised her hands helplessly. "Talks are still ongoing? It's generally positive; they're on board with the idea in principle, but we're still hammering out numbers and details. I should have more by tomorrow or the next day, depending on how long they keep me hanging."

"Good to know. What about the rest of them? I was thinking of going to visit Ino, Lord Akimichi, and the Sarutobi, Aburame, and Minami. Sympathize about their losses, that kind of thing."

Mari pondered that. "That's...not an entirely terrible idea. Let's work together after this meeting on what you should say and how to act."

Hazō nodded gratefully. "I was going to ask for that. Thanks."

"It's my job," she said, smiling. "After all, I'm your best agent, right?"

"And also my friend, teacher, and clan matriarch," Hazō said, carefully dipping a toe into the ocean of worries he held about Mari thinking that he only valued her as an agent. This wasn't the time to dive all the way in; they needed to be focused on clan business right now, and he could talk to her in private later. "Anyway, summing things up again: Allocation of votes hasn't changed since last we spoke, which means the Hyūga haven't flipped anyone that we know about. Talks are underway with the Uchiha to hopefully flip them. We can afford to buy out the Hagoromo debts although we're going to need to scramble for the mortgage afterwards. Akane has agreed to help with ice—and with salt?" He glanced over and was relieved at the nod. "Thanks. Okay, with ice and salt. We also need to find out how we go about getting land. Maybe we can just buy a chunk of wilderness and then clear it?"

"How exactly are you planning to make money on that?" Noburi asked. "We'd need to actually sell it to someone. Clearing a big chunk of land, preparing it, and then selling it is not a short-term thing. For that matter, ice isn't a short-term thing either. I'm sure we can find a contract for it, but no one is going to pay much up front for a contract they won't start to take delivery on for half a year."

"Haven't figured that out yet," Hazō admitted. "I wanted to bounce the idea off of you guys before I spent too much time on it. Anyway, that brings us around to the most important money-making plan: Kenta and Yukari, you've already got a successful business. What do you need in order to grow it?"

The couple both sat up straight, their previously-clasped hands springing apart like guilty teenagers.

"Right," Kenta said. "We're shopping around for a new and larger storefront. I'd like to hire some more people, and maybe a couple of barkers to spread the word about our new location."

"That's a good start," Mari said, nodding. "If you're interested, after you're established in the new location we could look into other opportunities. You mostly do skilled work as a craftsman, yes? Contract work to put in the decorative wood paneling in a house, things like that?"

"Yes," Kenta nodded. "That, and wooden statuary. Most of my work, anyway."

"How would you feel about going into construction? You've worked with plenty of carpenters, masons, and whatnot who build the houses that you render elegant. Why not hire the best ones and start your own construction company? We can fund it. If Hazō goes forward with this 'clearing land' plan, then it's going to generate a lot more revenue if there are already houses and wells on it."

Kenta's eyebrows went up. "That...would be very interesting. Thank you."

"Great," Hazō said, smiling. "Okay, there's just one more thing I wanted to talk about. Or, rather, one more person."

Noburi frowned in confusion for a moment and then his eyes went wide. "Please don't say it, please don't say it..." he mumbled.

"Mori Ami."

"Noooo!"





XP AWARD: 6

Author's Note:
This was a 4-XP plan; the update only covered 3-4 hours even with the timeskipped dinner, but I'm giving you 2 XP on the plan, +1 bonus XP for having relatively high voting engagement, +1 bonus XP to @faflec for finding a reference I needed, and +2 mystery bonus XP because I'm a wonderful person who is absolutely on your side and you should totally remember that fact. (EDIT: Originally, there was a prank at the bottom of this post. It has been removed, but I'm letting you keep the two XP because I am, as previously stated, so wonderful and nice.)

It is now about 10pm.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, June 19, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Omake: Sealmasters' Showdown
Omake: Sealmasters' Showdown

This is an alternative early draft of a scene for the Battle of the Gods.

-o-​

Two men looked down on the bloodbath that was Nagi Island, where friends and allies whom they might have saved were being murdered one by one. Two men looked down, but neither moved to help, because they both knew that the true battle was taking place here, in the sky.

Jiraiya of the Three, the Fifth Hokage, the legendary sealmaster, stood comfortably on thin air. His stance was relaxed, almost as if waiting for an appointment, with all the poise of a man not nearly out of chakra. Next to his lowered hands was an entire array of pouches.

Sasori the Puppetmaster, Head of Akatsuki Research and Development, the legendary sealmaster, floated in that same air like a mechanical angel, great wings of wood and leather beating determinedly in defiance of gravity. There were countless seals attached to his wooden body like festival decorations.

"I know how I'm staying up here," Jiraiya said bemusedly. "How are you?"

"With difficulty," Sasori admitted. "Ultra-light puppet materials get me halfway there. As for the other half… you can guess."

"Sealmasters cheat," the two said in unison.

"Let's get started," Sasori said as his wings flared wide. "Deidara is being insufferable about his kill count."

"Lucky bastard," Jiraiya grunted. "Even after all you've done, I only get to kill you once."

Sasori peeled off one of his seals and flicked it at Jiraiya in one light, seemingly carefree motion. In mid-air, the seal unravelled, loops of ninja wire lashing out from within to wrap tightly around Jiraiya's body, leaving him all but immobilised. A powerful flame lit one end, heating the wire red as it travelled towards him as if on a fuse.

Jiraiya, arms pinned to his sides, twisted his wrists to reach awkwardly at the secondary pouches on his thighs. Holding two seals with his fingertips, he slapped one onto the wire and flung the other in Sasori's general direction. Over little more than a second, the wire was covered in a translucent green goo that not only drained the heat, but rapidly melted the wire into oblivion while leaving even his clothes unharmed.

The other seal burned away, revealing a pair of metal spheres rotating against each other like meditation balls held by an invisible hand. Ignoring gravity, the two separated as they continued to spin against each other. The ever-growing space between them was lit up by a flickering series of thunderbolts, like blows being exchanged between two invulnerable fighters.

Before the balls could reach and electrocute Sasori, he threw a seal downwards, towards the ground, where it turned into a malformed, glowing metal spike. The lightning followed it, happily grounding itself through some hapless cultist. Another seal thrown between the spheres created a brief vacuum that sucked them in, smashing them against each other before they could generate anything else.

Jiraiya smirked as the two spheres detonated on contact, catching Sasori in an immense fireball.

The smirk disappeared as Sasori remained untouched. His scroll effect's suction had drawn in the fire, then instantly transformed itself into repulsion, sending everything back to Jiraiya in a single focused stream of roaring flame. At the last second, Jiraiya unsealed a storage scroll, bringing out a dense, strangely dented metal wall that glowed red-white as it absorbed the heat. Its duty finished, the wall plummeted to the ground, crushing some more cultists as it did (Jiraiya had not chosen his position by accident).

For a moment, all was still as the sealmasters calculated their next gambits.

"Stored wall?" Sasori sneered. "What are you, a chūnin?"

"It was a present from Tsunade," Jiraiya muttered. "She kept hitting me over the head with it, shouting 'take this!', so I did."

Before Sasori could decide where to start with that one, Jiraiya took the offensive. He threw out several scrolls towards Sasori in a circular pattern, and each one erupted into a fountain of acid. In addition to being strong enough to melt through platinum, the combined effect completely obscured Sasori's vision—leaving him unable to see the giant spike of rock following close behind.

Sasori's defence was a seal that sparked the acid droplets with controlled Lightning chakra, sending an instant spider web of energy crackling through them that evaporated every last one. The resulting acidic fog only just failed to envelop him.

The spike, on the other hand, made it through.

Or at least it made it through to touch several of the seals on the Sasori puppet's stomach. They flared, and the spike vanished, reappearing somewhere several metres away and falling down to pierce… well, you can guess.

But the shimmering in the air that had redirected the spike didn't disappear. It kept going towards Jiraiya at the speed of a projectile uninhibited by air friction. It was at the very last moment that Jiraiya's own seal flew into it, making it vanish completely.

"Wait," Sasori said cautiously as the exchange ended. "Did you just use a teleportation effect on a teleportation effect?"

The two sealmasters instantly jumped/flew away from the point of contact. In flawless coordination, the two selected and threw seal after seal at the point of contact as fast as they could. About a dozen seals later, there was a reassuring green flash as reality failed to destroy itself.

The pair's eyes met with a shared understanding: for now, conventional weapons only.

Of course, these were sealmaster conventional weapons. Jiraiya's next attack looked like he'd produced a tiny white ball from a storage scroll, but as the ball zoomed towards Sasori, it drained moisture from the air, growing into an ever greater water bullet with enough final mass to humble an elephant.

Contrary to expectations, Sasori didn't use Fire or Earth, or even Wind, to block the attack. Instead, his defensive seal produced a mass of wood which absorbed the water with a series of gluttonous pulses, growing bigger with each one. Its sustenance used up, the ravenous tendrils stretched towards the nearest source of water, namely Jiraiya.

"Is that the Wood Element in a seal?" Jiraiya exclaimed incredulously.

Sasori shrugged and simply said, "Orochimaru."

As the first tendril touched Jiraiya, he took a deep breath in and unsealed a strange, double-sided seal. Crimson clouds burst forth as he destroyed it, causing the wood to wither away instantaneously.

It was Sasori's turn to be shocked. "Why are you carrying concentrated herbicide into battle?"

"My cousin insisted," Jiraiya said. "Something about half-plant, half-animal creatures."

Cutting the banter short, Jiraiya activated two seals at once, and waves of solid compressed air slammed towards each other as they made a beeline for Sasori, like the bite of a creature with many sets of jaws.

Sasori, unwilling to be outdone, slapped seals onto the walls right before they could reach him, sending a series of cracks through the air as if it was made of stone. The walls shattered into fragments, each fragment flying back at Jiraiya like a homing kunai.

But what Sasori hadn't realised was that Jiraiya had been taking advantage of the increasing visual distortion as the pairs of walls came together between them. Step by step, he'd been closing the distance. Before the "kunai" could connect… he leapt forward, grabbed Sasori and swung him around like a no-longer-human shield. Sasori's body began to fall apart as it was pierced by a hundred razor-sharp strikes.

"Sealmasters cheat," Jiraiya whispered triumphantly into Sasori's ear as he held him tight.

"Yes," Sasori agreed softly. "We do."

Even as Jiraiya's eyes widened in realisation, even as he began to move, a great ironsand drill pierced his chest from behind. The hole was bigger than a human head. A sandstorm briefly enveloped his body, tearing his clothes and destroying his seals… including the skywalkers on his sandals.

Sasori fell as collateral damage from his ultimate puppet's attack finished off his disintegrating body. The puppet followed. And so did Jiraiya.

The Fifth Hokage, the strongest man in the world, hit the ground from twenty metres' height, together with a rain of his own blood and countless shards of wood.

Perfect silence fell on the battlefield. Then Jiraiya stood up.

Nothing was over yet. A few drops of blood had fallen within the reach of Hidan, watching the battle from beneath. The scythe-wielder smirked as he touched one of his blades to the ground, and then licked it like a delicious treat. Then, looking Jiraiya straight in the eyes, he drew his ritual circle, and in the same motion, pulled out a spike and stabbed himself through the heart.

Jiraiya swayed. He coughed up blood. Then he took a step towards Hidan.

Mouth hanging open in disbelief, Hidan stabbed himself again.

Jiraiya took a step forward.

In a panic, Hidan kept stabbing himself, as if convinced that if he did it enough, it would finally work. But Jiraiya, swaying, back bent, arms down in front of him as if he didn't have the strength to lift them up, took step after step after step. When the immortal came to his senses and realised that he had to run for his life, it was too late.

Jiraiya pulled himself upright by pure force of will. He gave Hidan one last contemptuous look. Then he plunged his hands into Hidan's chest like a knife through butter, grasped his spine, and tore him in half.

The Fifth Hokage fell to the ground, the last of his strength used up. He gazed at the sun one last time as his vision faded away.

"This is the best I could do, kids," he said to the sky above. "It's all up to you now."
 
Chapter 270: Clan Meeting #1, continued

"Great," Hazō said, smiling. "Okay, there's just one more thing I wanted to talk about. Or, rather, one more person."

Noburi frowned in confusion for a moment and then his eyes went wide. "Please don't say it, please don't say it..." he mumbled.

"Mori Ami."

"Noooo!"

"Chill out, Nobby. Ami is in town and we need to have her in our plans. Mari, what can you tell me about her? Any insights into her mind? Can we trust her?"

Mari sat up, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and a truly disturbing smile on her face. "Oh, yes," she said quietly. "Yes, you can trust her. She's not going to work against us, and if she tries...well, then I'll just have to very politely ask her to pretty please with sugar on top cut it out."

"I...see."

"You realize she's important to Keiko, right?" Noburi asked nervously. "Hurting her would be bad."

"Why, Noburi! I'm shocked that you would think such a thing of me! All I said was that I would ask her—I even specified that I'd be polite about it. I'm not sure what more you could want."

"Yeeaaaaahhhh...."

"Moving on," Hazō said, "On a silly note, what do you think of me hanging up this sign by the door?" He held up the prepared sign: Any Mori Ami who sneaks through our defenses unassisted to show off (as judged by Mari) cedes us another favour (-_^)/~~."

Mari chuckled. "I don't know that she would honor it, but I don't see any harm."

"Cool. And, on the subject of Ami favors, I have a favor banked with Ami. Should I use it now, or hold onto it?"

Mari cocked her head. "Huh. Interesting question. Could go either way, but I tend to suggest using it now if you actually have something worthwhile."

"A couple, yeah. I was thinking 'Maximize the political power of the Gōketsu'." He started to add his other idea ('Maximize my personal social skill') but decided not to say that to the woman who had literally spent years helping him work on social skills. "That would be the best one, I think."

Mari pursed her lips. "You'd need to put a time frame on it to make it fit within a reasonable favor. Maybe something like 'For the next month, have as your highest priority the maximizing of Gōketsu's political power.' And also suggest to her that working with me would be a good choice on that front."

Hazō grinned. "Eeeexcellent. I shall do exactly that." He flipped his hand palm up to indicate a changing topic. "Speaking of working with you, I've been thinking how restricted we are on manpower. We need to adopt some people, and that has financial and legal applications."

He looked around, catching the eye of everyone in the room to make sure they were included. "Over the last few days, I've been spending a ton of time dealing with paperwork at the Tower in order to deal with tax crap. It's been...interesting. Keiko would probably have known this stuff, and you guys may or may not, but bear with me while I lay it out, just so we're all on the same page. First though—Akane, what is your experience with taxes?"

His erstwhile apprentice shrugged. "Simple enough. Your first forty-two thousand four hundred ryō are untaxed. After that, we pay eighty percent on all missions, taken at the time of payment. If I do a mission worth a thousand ryō, I actually collect two hundred."

"What about your equipment draw?"

"What about it? Once a month, I can go to the Tower and choose whatever gear I want up to a certain value. It's not much—usually I get a couple of explosive tags. How is that taxes?"

"It's reverse taxation, effectively. The Tower is paying you money for being a ninja. What about the clans? Do they pay the same taxes?"

She nodded, confused. "Of course. The Will of Fire requires no less."

Hazō nodded, lips pursed sourly. "Brace yourself, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

"First, the tax code is almost impenetrable, but when you burrow down it turns out that there's eight groups for tax purpose: the rural farmers, the urban farmers, the nobility, the Daimyo, the Hokage, the founding clans of Leaf, the non-founding clans plus clanless jōnin, and clanless non-jōnin ninja. These groups get put in three separate lanes for tax purposes.

"The shortest lane goes from the ninja to the Hokage. Next shortest is urbanites, meaning the people who live in Leaf, Otafuku Gai, Keishi, and Tanzaku Gai. They pay taxes to the Daimyō of the Land of Fire, who then pays essentially all of it to the Hokage. Finally, there's the rural farmers. They aren't actually all farmers—it includes everyone who lives in the villages. A good example is that place in Iron we went through where Noburi fixed the kid's gapmouth. Some were farmers, some were fisherfolk, some were craftsman, but they would all be classed as farmers for tax purposes. The tax rate is basically 'everything you have after subsistence.' That money gets paid to the local noble who holds their land. The noble then pays the vast majority of that money up the chain to the Daimyō of Fire, who pays nearly all of it to the Hokage. In all cases, the Hokage keeps some of it for himself, assigns some to the Tower as a discretionary budget, and then gives the rest to the clans and clanless jōnin in various forms." He started to continue, then paused. "For convenience, I'm just going to roll the clans and clanless jōnin together into 'the clans' and 'the clanless' just means genin and chūnin.

"First, the clans receive a monthly stipend from the Tower, conditional only on the clan continuing to live in Leaf and 'conduct themselves in accord with the military leadership of the Hokage and the pursuit of health and wealth for Leaf and the Land of Fire'. It's paid directly to the Clan Head and can be distributed to the clan members as living allowance, plowed into various investments, or whatever.

"That stipend is about ten percent of what the clans actually receive. The rest of it comes in the form of conditional payments. For example, we receive a fifty percent bonus to mission pay. Akane, that thousand-ryō mission that netted you two hundred ryō? Now that you're a clan ninja, that mission is worth fifteen hundred. Furthermore, the taxes are refunded."

Akane's eyes went wide. "What?"

Hazō nodded. "Yeah. You'll still only collect the same two hundred ryō at the time you do the mission, but in the next month's non-conditional payment we will receive an extra five hundred ryō as the bonus pay, plus the eight hundred ryō that you paid for taxes. Basically, doing missions is no better for you as a clanless or clan ninja, but as your Clan Head I have incentive to make sure you're doing missions as much as possible until we hit the cap on our benefits."

"That..." Akane started, then stopped as she realized she had no idea what to say. "That...makes sense, I suppose? I mean, it's important that Leaf ninja be motivated to show their youth...."

Hazō shrugged. "Letting them keep their pay seems like a more direct motivation to me. The existing system just hides the fact that clanless ninja are getting screwed. Still, it is what it is.

"In addition to the stipend, the bonus pay, and the tax refunds, the clans get a much larger equipment draw than clanless do. There's a few other things, but those are usually pretty minor. The key point is that everything except the stipend is conditional on us actually doing missions, so we'll need to weigh expected value.

"The last piece of the puzzle is how the money is divided. The eight founding clans of Leaf—Senju, Hyūga, Uchiha, Aburame, Inuzuka, Nara, Akimichi, and Yamanaka—receive seventy percent of the distribution, with the remaining thirty percent being divided between all the other clans and the clanless jōnin. Incidentally, this is why the 'special jōnin' rank exists, and why most special jōnin are clanless. Promoting someone all the way to jōnin means they get a slice of a fixed-size pie, so everyone else gets less. Promoting them to special jōnin means that they are eligible for jōnin-rank missions but don't get the shinies.

"Anyway, within each group, the money is paid based on ninja headcount. As a non-founding clan, we have a maximum award of about seventy-six hundred ryō per ninja each month. Ten percent of that is straight cash up front, the rest is the conditional payments. There's no carryover, so any money that we don't manage to claim is lost."

"By headcount out of a fixed pie," Noburi said, nodding. "So when Keiko became a Nara, some of our allotment moved to them. And when we adopted Akane, all of the other non-founding clans lost money."

"Exactly. As an aside, the thing with Keiko was complicated by the fact that she was moving from a non-founding clan to a founding clan. I suspect that that sort of thing is frowned upon, but it happens. The bit with adopting Akane is more significant. Because it cuts into everyone else's income, there's a rule that no clan may add more than two clanless ninja to its ranks per year, by any means—adoption, marriage, anything. Which is a nice piece of multi-purpose law; it prevents the stipend from getting thinned out, forces clanless ninja to compete as hard as possible for adoption, and prevents any clan from increasing its combat power too quickly. At the same time, it says nothing about ninja moving between clans—that's zero-sum and doesn't affect anyone else, so clans can intermarry and inter-adopt as much as they want. It means they don't need to worry about their blood thinning."

"This seems unfair," Akane said, her voice the very epitome of illusions shattering.

"Yeah," Hazō said. "I'm sorry, Akane. This isn't publicized—I had to dig through tax forms and papers to figure it all out—but it isn't secret either. I suspect that you would have found it all out if you had spent the last couple years in Leaf instead of with us."

"Oh, Sage," Akane said, blanching. "You can only adopt two ninja and you wasted one slot on—"

"Stop," Hazō declared, holding up one hand imperiously. "You were the first pick no matter what, and none of us have the slighest regret that we chose you."

"He's right, sis," Noburi said, leaning over so he could reach out and poke Akane's shoulder. "There was never any question."

"Of course you were the first pick," Kagome-sensei said, sounding affronted. "Who else?"

"Put those thoughts aside, Akane," Mari said, the words gentle but still an order. "There wasn't even the need for discussion. Focus on who we adopt next."

"What about Academy students?" Noburi asked. "They aren't ninja yet, right?"

Hazō shook his head. "I'm pretty sure that we aren't going to be able to work around this one, Nobs. We're messing with the livelihood of two dozen ninja clans, who collectively have a controlling voting block on the Clan Council. They aren't going to take kindly to shenanigans by an upstart clan of ragamuffins and mutts."

"But—"

"Seriously, man. If I'm the one saying we shouldn't play silly buggers, what does that tell you?"

"Yeah, okay, fine. What about clanless jōnin? They're already getting a slice of the pie, so adopting them doesn't have any tax implications. Or do they continue to draw their own share after joining a clan, so they're double-dipping?"

Hazō hesitated. "I'd need to check, but I'm pretty sure that clanless jōnin are treated as single-member clans for tax purposes. If they join another clan then the money that was going to their 'previous clan'—meaning them as an individual—now goes to the clan they just joined."

"So they aren't motivated to join a clan," Mari said. "It involves giving up direct control of their income."

"I think so. Like I said, I'd need to check. I read until I thought my eyes would bleed, but there's a lot there."

"Okay," Noburi said. "So we're unlikely to be able to get a jōnin for our one remaining slot. What are we looking for?"

"I suspect there's only a couple dozen jōnin left in Leaf, regardless," Mari said. "And they are probably nearly all clan ninja. Being chosen to go to the Exams was a major win, even just for people who would be standing guard. Jiraiya had to carefully balance who he brought so as not to offend any of the clans. He ended up bringing a notable number of clanless jōnin and senior chūnin to Mist, and all of them died except Kurenai and Kazusa. Anko is still around, so we could talk to her, but she is politically problematic and disrespectful of authority."

"Maybe Kabuto?" Noburi suggested. "I'm assuming he's a jōnin. I've never actually asked."

"Even if he is, I'm not sure why he'd want to join," Hazō said. "Right now he has a very short command chain and major funding separate from his jōnin stipend, assuming he gets one. We don't have a lot to offer him. Personally, my thoughts go like this:

"First, we should see about adopting more civilians. People with political and financial skills who can take some load off Mari. Maybe teenagers who could be trained up. We should also acquire operatives—civilians whom we pay with money, favors, or training, but don't actually adopt. Being separate from us lets them do things that we couldn't do directly, being connected to us gives them funds and opportunities they wouldn't have had otherwise. Mari, can you handle that?"

"Of course. I'll need a budget."

"Put a proposal together, leave it on my desk. Now, as far as our remaining slot for ninja adoption, we should focus on scouting clanless non-jōnin who complement our existing skills. Me, Kagome-sensei, Noburi, and arguably Mari are all support types—seals, seals, medic, and infiltration, respectively. We all punch pretty hard, but we aren't combat specialists. Akane, you're the exception." He grinned and rubbed his shoulder ruefully. "Based on the last time we sparred, you hit like a falling building. If the clan needs to fight, we'll all be on the line, but you're going to be the tip of the spear. It might be smart to get another combat specialist who can back you up."

"You're thinking about Lee again, aren't you?" Noburi said with a snort. "I swear, I think you're crushing on him."

"I'm not! He's a powerful fighter and he may or may not end up being the Turtle Summoner. If he is, he would be desirable even if he were a complete invalid. You've seen how useful the Pangolin contract was. Imagine if we had a clan of super-tough, super-strong fighters who moved ridiculously fast thanks to Lightning jutsu—that's how Jiraiya described them in the letter he left me. If they could teach us those speed-enhancing jutsu, that would be great. Only Mari and Kagome-sensei can use Lightning Element, but—"

"What do you mean?! Why do you think I—" Kagome-sensei trailed off. "You're right," he said after a few seconds. "I'm Lightning Element. I grew up in, in, uh...in Cloud. Before I...before I went into the s-school...." The words were choked away and he had to swallow several times, brushing gathering tears from his eyes. He was shivering slightly despite the heat of the room.

Mari shifted over to sit beside him and rub his back. "It's okay," she said quietly. "You're safe. You're here with your family, in our very well-defended house. Those people and places are far away and they can't hurt you." She offered him a handkerchief from one pocket. He took it gratefully and blew his nose, then wiped the tears from his eyes and cleared his throat again.

"I'm thinking of making some hot chocolate," Mari said. "Would you come help me?"

"Sure."

The two exited the room, Mari with an arm around the taller man's waist and Kagome-sensei with an arm around her shoulders.

Hazō sighed, debating the right thing to do. Mari had extricated Kagome-sensei from the conversation, so clearly she thought he needed to be semi-alone right now. Running after them was therefore contraindicated. Discussing the issue with those in the room smacked of talking about the man behind his back...best to simply plunge ahead.

"On the previous topic," he said, "I'm leaning towards a combat specialist and if we can get a Summoner then definitely do that."

"There are a lot of scrolls suddenly without Summoners," Akane observed, clearly grateful to move away from the topic of what had just happened. "Captains Kakashi and Gai had Dog and Turtle respectively. Orochimaru had Snakes. All of those are currently in the Tower?"

"As far as I know," Hazō replied. "Allocating the Snake scroll is going to be a major issue as soon as there's a Hokage. I would hope that Captains Kakashi and Gai left their scrolls to someone. Lee would be an obvious candidate for the Turtle scroll."

Akane shook her head. "Lee is a pure taijutsu specialist because his chakra control is awful. I very much doubt he could become a Summoner. Still, simply possessing the scroll would give him tremendous value as a potential adoptee, so Gai may have left it to him specifically to ensure that he was taken care of. Failing that...I'm not sure."

"What about Kakashi?" Noburi asked. "I was on that one mission with him. He talked a lot but didn't say much, if you know what I mean. I have no idea who his friends were. Did you know him?"

"No. He was quite reserved and had few close social ties. The Dog scroll may be waiting for allocation like the Snake scroll is."

"Seems likely to me that ISC are going to put serious effort into getting it for themselves," Hazō noted. "Yamanaka would be the obvious choice; the Akimichi are already bruisers, the Nara shadow jutsu are fast enough and versatile enough that they can take care of themselves in a fight, but the Yamanaka are much less combat-capable. Plus, the Dogs are apparently varied enough that they would benefit the alliance as a whole, not just as fighters."

"I am so glad I'm not the one who has to deal with that," Noburi said with a grin. "I'll think about you while you're in the Council chamber and I'm...oh, let's say lollygagging in bed, or lounging in front of the fire while toasting marshmallows and eating chocolate."

"You realize that, as your Clan Head, I can assign you to specific missions, right? Like, say, D-rank missions cleaning up the Academy kitchens?"

"Pah," Noburi replied, waving the threat aside. "The optics on that would be terrible, and you can't afford to publicly sully our name like that."

Hazō eyed him coldly.

After a moment, Noburi's confident smirk slipped. "It really would look bad, Hazō," he said. "I mean, a Gōketsu working as a menial in public? Terrible for the image, right? Akane, back me up here."

"Leave me out of this, Noburi," Akane said, smiling and raising her hands in disavowal. "You picked this fight, you can settle it."

Noburi mumbled something under his breath that sounded a lot like 'traitor', but then gave Hazō another nervous smile. "Heheh...we're good, right, Hazō?"

After a few seconds, Hazō allowed his face to unfreeze and nodded, carefully keeping his expression sober and not allowing the glee to shine forth. It had worked! All those hours practicing in the mirror to replicate Keiko's Scary Face had paid off! He couldn't do the 'make the room actually feel physically colder and filled with terror and despair' thing, but he was making progress!

"We're good," he said instead. "Anyway, I think we've pretty much exhausted the topics I had. Noburi, you're still assigned to finding us good adoption candidates. Yukari, Kenta, work on expanding your business and setting up that construction company. Finish up the budget ASAP and put it on my desk."

"Yes, sir," Kenta said, bowing from a seated position.

"It's just 'Hazō'. Akane, talk to Lady Tsunade for me. See if she is intending to vote. Tell her that the Gōketsu are interested in funding her medical work, and are considering setting up a hospital outside of Leaf sometime in the next year. It's an idea, not a plan, and I'd like to get her thoughts if and when it's convenient for her."

"Absolutely, justHazō," his ex-girlfriend said, with that brilliant smile that still tugged at his heart.

It was a good thing that the Iron Nerve could flawlessly show only the emotion that you chose to show. At least, if you were fast enough to use it before the sadness and regret showed; from Akane's expression, Hazō wasn't sure he had been.





XP AWARD: 1

Bonus XP AWARD: 1 (brevity)


It is now about 11pm. In the morning you will send messages to the various clans that you want to have meetings with. They may or may not be available on zero notice.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, June 26, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
Last edited:
Interlude: One More Try
Interlude: One More Try

The sound of unexpected footsteps in the entry hall made Kei freeze in awed anticipation, her empty spoon tumbling from her suddenly-numb hands to clatter on the floor. Could it truly be? The subjugation of every vicious fear, the resurgence of every helpless hope? Her father strode boldly into the dining room as if leading a parade, an enormous grin plastered over his chiselled face.

"Is that your trademark Mist-style crab stew I smell before me, Kagome?" he demanded with a roguish smile that dazzled the silent room. "Tell me you've got some left for the conquering hero."

"Father!" Kei exclaimed euphorically. She leapt from her seat in a display of celerity to earn the envy of any chakra toad as she locked her father in a tight embrace. He chuckled fondly as he ruffled her hair with his calloused hand.

"Now, now, little Keiko," he chided her with light-hearted words that would surely have earned him attempted strangulation were Kei not willing to succumb to mercy on this one superlative night. "I didn't survive the mess that was Nagi Island only to die here."

Kei, uncaring, continued to bury herself relentlessly into his tasteless green jacket, the strength that had recently belonged to the world's strongest genin being applied to a worthier purpose than the arbitrary slaughter of shinobi life. Finally, he was compelled to use force to gently lift her away from himself, whereupon she reluctantly acquiesced.

"So you're safe and sound," Hazō observed unnecessarily.

"For all intents and purposes." Her father winked mischievously, his gaze sweeping the room as if reaffirming his bond with every family member. "They had me on the ropes a few times there, but every time I thought I was out of options, I remembered that there was no way I was drawing that thing in front of all the other Kage, and that gave me my second wind. So I guess I owe it all to you, Keiko."

Kei felt a profound warmth spread through her from the bottom of her heart.

"Does this mean your seat as Hokage is secure?" she inquired casually.

"You betcha. After all my heroics, I'm Hokage for life, and I managed to embarrass Hiashi on the battlefield, and I saved Shikaku's life so now he owes me bigtime. Oh, and I saved Maito Gai too, in defiance of my better judgement."

Kei drew upon the bottomless depths of courage resting at the core of her very being. "In that case, may I request a reward?"

"Anything for my favourite child," Jiraiya proclaimed affectionately, his eyes glittering with unconcealed pride.

Keiko leveraged her mastery of body language, gazing into his eyes with all the innocent hopefulness of a young feline. "In that case, would you consider implementing certain new laws?"

Fill in later

Under ordinary circumstances, Kei was informed by her superior social skills, it would have been a distinct faux pas to visit another's house without any warning, certainly when even one's very return to the village had gone unannounced to the individual in question. However, she knew every last detail of Tenten's daily routine, in a fashion that was clearly loving and in no way stalkerish, and furthermore was confident that her beloved would not already be hosting guests, given that Rock Lee and Neji had long since been transferred to other teams, and away on long-term missions besides. That Tenten herself would welcome Kei had never been in doubt.

Tenten's expression was one of pure unambiguous heartwarming thrilled sparkling delight as she stepped aside to invite Kei graciously into her familiar flat. The space, once infinitesimal in dimensions, now seemed to expand to encompass the broadest reaches of the world as it was known to man, as Kei prepared to broaden her horizons.

Tenten gave her kettle a perfunctory glance, but her demeanour, more eloquent by far than the writings of the greatest wordsmiths, radiated cognisance of the true purpose of Kei's visit. It was time for Kei to fulfil the true spirit of the profound promise that she had made to herself as she beheld the glittering wonders and sinister horrors of the Chūnin Exam tournament.

As usual, Kei took the initiative. She stepped forward and gently cradled the back of Tenten's neck with her hand, leaning forward to bring their trembling lips together into a passionate kiss. Her heart soared as Tenten, at first unresisting, then eager, returned the explosion of Kei's feelings. Kei placed her other hand softly on Tenten's chest, as if asking a question. Their tongues intertwining was all the response she required. She reached for the clasps of Tenten's chūnin ja


-o-​

With a familiar motion, Kei reached over to the oil lamp, and fed the parchment to the flames.
 
Chapter 271: Disaster Relief and the Ownership of Souls

Hazō yawned and stretched. The sun might be dragging itself unwillingly out of bed, but Hazō was excited to get started! There was so much to do today, and it was going to be fun!

He flipped the covers off and swung his legs out, carefully pushing his feet into slippers since the room was cold enough that the water in the pitcher was frozen. No worries; one of the perks of having the greatest (albeit rather dilapidated) estate in town was that there was a hot spring for morning ablutions. Granted, it involved crossing a chunk of frozen wasteland (the covered walkway having long single been destroyed by a combination of Emperor bore-beetles and harsh weather), but that was what ninja speed and water- (or, in this case, snow-)walking were for.

Half an hour later he was warm, dry, dressed, and ready for an exciting day of setting up meetings...and indulging in his latest plan to break the world through the power of seals and Uplift! Mwahahaha!

He trotted inside and went to Akane's room; she was, after all, his first meeting.

Unsurprisingly, she was gone. Presumably out for another pre-dawn training session with Tsunade; the woman was a harsh taskmaster. Taskmistress. Whatever.

Hazō pulled paper and brush out of a seal and dashed off a quick note: Hi Akane! Hope your training went well. I had some more ideas about that hospital thing, so hopefully you haven't talked to Tsunade about it yet. If not, catch up with me and Noburi before you do. I'd like to build it on or near our compound. We'll employ junior med-nin at a better pay than Leaf's general hospital. We'll provide affordable healthcare to civilians and offer genin, Academy students, and civilians medical education, and subsequent employment. We want to collaborate with Tsunade's organization and we'll offer her a cut in our land-clearing idea (tell you later) if that's something she wants. If not, we'll find a different way to fund her that she likes better.

He dropped the note on her desk and left, humming quietly to himself. The day was on track to go great!

o-o-o-o​

"Good morning, sensei!" Hazō caroled, swinging into the kitchen by chakra-adhering his hands to the ceiling and monkey-barring along. What was life without a little bit of challenge? It was good training!

"Hrmph," Kagome-sensei muttered, gazing morosely into the depths of the can that normally stored the Gōketsu chocolate supply. "How can it be a good day when there's no hot chocolate?"

Hazō grinned. Seals to the rescue!

"I saved you a cup," he said, unsealing a mug full of the steaming-hot delectable treat that he'd put there two months ago in anticipation of just this moment. How sweet it was to be able to make someone's day so easily!

Sure enough, Kagome-sensei's eyes lit up. He stepped in close and...hugged Hazō?! Hazō resisted the urge to poke his teacher really hard, for no clear reason.

"Thanks," Kagome-sensei said, swooping the cup out of Hazō's grip and holding it up to his nose while inhaling deeply. "Mmmmmmmmmm." He took a sip and nearly moaned in pleasure. "Hot pepper and vanilla...best apprentice ever."

Hazō chuckled. "You're welcome. I'm going to grab some breakfast and then head into town to drop off invitations for meetings. I can stop and pick up some more chocolate on the way."

"I'll go with you," Kagome-sensei said, licking the chocolate mustache off his face with limited success. "Mari says I need to move around the city more, get used to being around so many people without scaring them."

Hazō pondered whether having his trigger-happy uncle along would make it harder to set up meetings with the various Clan Heads that he wanted to talk to...eh. He was just setting up meetings. What could go wrong?

o-o-o-o​

The day was cold but crisp, the winter sun just warm enough that the snow was barely beginning to melt. There was no wind to chill the bone and no clouds to block the sun. A perfect winter day! Surely it was the Sage providing his approval of Hazō's plans.

Hazō and Kagome-sensei were jogging across the rooftops beside Senju Street (Street, not Avenue, Lane, Court, Way, Boulevard, Road, or Park, and very definitely not the Senju Park East that was in fact the west demarcation of the Senju Memorial Park) at a comfortable pace that kept them warm but not tired or sweaty. Everything was going to go right tod—

Kagome-sensei grabbed him and dragged him into the shelter of a chimney as someone triggered a Banshee seal off in the distance.

The seal blared for two long seconds, then switched off. It was followed a moment later by two quick pulses. Hazō paled; when the clan was formed, Jiraiya had made the team memorize a whole list of alert signals that every Leaf resident was expected to know. This was one that Hazō had never heard during his time in Leaf and had hoped never to hear: Major seal infusion failure, get inside.

"Fuck," Kagome-sensei muttered.

"Come on," Hazō said, pushing off and heading for the source of the alert at top speed. Kagome-sensei growled but went after him.

o-o-o-o​

Cock o' the Walk Books was a familiar sight to everyone who dealt with seals on anything more than the most utilitarian basis. Kon Akimitsu, father of Kon Ai the famous doctor, sold books and broadsheets. He wrote letters and did accounts. He was a fair hand at sketchwork and had had moderate success selling his work to the nouveau riche. Most importantly, he sold paper.

His paper was a sealmaster's dream: nearly white, absorbent enough to take ink but not enough to bleed, a perfectly smooth grain, and a pleasing strength that made it easy to cut on purpose but unlikely to tear by accident. It was far and away the best in Leaf; it cost out the wazoo, but it was what every serious sealmaster used. The fact that the old man was friendly and personable was just the icing on the cake.

The emphasis was very firmly on the was. Or, more accurately, on the had been. His dead body was hanging limply in midair right in front of his shop, blood flowing from dozens of tiny wounds across his body and through a hole as big as Hazō's fist that came out the back of his skull. The blood had drenched the light blue shirt he was wearing and was slowly dripping onto something invisible at the corpse's knee height. The blood and brain matter outlined an invisible spike sticking out the back of his head.

Six ANBU were holding a perimeter around the area; when Hazō and Kagome-sensei dropped from the nearest roof and started moving towards the scene, Snake hurried to get in their way.

"Please stay back, sirs," she said. "We have an uncontained seal failure. We don't need anyone else getting hurt. Especially not you, Lord Gōketsu."

"We're registered sealmasters," Kagome-sensei snapped. "Jiraiya registered us himself."

Snake hesitated. "Sir...I...I'm supposed to protect you. He told me, when he left for Nagi Island, that if anything went wrong I should look out for all of you. Please, let someone else take this one." The ANBU mask hid her features, but her voice made it clear just how young she was.

Hazō cocked his head in surprise. "He thought he might not come back?"

"I...think he may have been joking," she said. "I wanted to go, but I was sick and he told me to stay. 'Who's going to look after my kids if I don't make it back? You, that's who!' Joke or not, I'm taking it as an order."

Hazō blinked his eyes rapidly and cleared his throat before pasting on a smile. "Yeah, that sounds like him. You need to come for dinner tonight...no, wait, tomorrow. I need to have dinner with Asuma tonight. Come to the compound for dinner tomorrow. We'd all like to hear about your time with Jiraiya."

Her entire body shrieked uncertainty. "Sir—"

"Excuse me," Kagome-sensei said waspishly. "Seal failure, right in front of us? Save the city now, gape like a fish behind your mask later."

"Right! Yes sir."

"And dinner is at sundown. Don't be late."

"But—"

"Oh, and I hope you like seafood. I'm making crab stew with biscuits. And capers. I want to try capers. They look kinda like rat poop, but one of the Akimichi told me they were really good, so I thought—"

Hazō cleared his throat significantly.

"What have we got?" Kagome-sensei asked, blushing slightly.

"Invisible force effect, sir. Started an hour ago at the Nara compound outside the city, in the bedroom of one of their younger sealmasters. Spread from there. It has no visible instantiation, but people come in contact with it and they suddenly get spiked full of holes. It's very localized and follows no particular shape, nor does it tie to any specific object or environmental pattern."

"Something's happening," Hazō said, pointing.

Kon's death was easy to reconstruct. He had come out of his shop, locked the door, turned to step into the street while putting the key in his pocket, and an invisible spike had gone in through his mouth and out the back of his head as a dozen other spikes rammed through his thighs, shins, stomach, and left arm. The spikes were still invisible, although clearly outlined in the coagulating blood, viscera, and brain matter that had once been a kindly old man who liked to tell dad jokes whenever Hazō bought paper. More importantly, the spikes were slowly growing. When the dusting of blood that marked the tip of the spike that went through Kon's head came in contact with the door, the spike suddenly shot forward like a thunderbolt, smashing the heavy oak aside with negligent ease. The exit wound in Kon's head was the size of Hazō's fist, but the hole in the door was at least twice as large.

"Yeah, if you touch them they strike," Snake said. "We had some people trying to mark them with paint so that people wouldn't walk into them and we could start to map them out. Three dead chūnin later, we aren't doing that anymore."

"If the wind picks up, we're going to have a problem," Hazō noted.

Kagome rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "How good was the sealmaster?" he asked.

"Sir?"

"The one that started it all. How good was he?"

"I have no idea, sir."

"Hmph. Okay, how old was he?"

"Late teens, I think? Maybe twenty?"

Kagome-sensei nodded. "So, old enough that he would have been making skywalkers?"

Snake raised her hands helplessly. "Sir, I'm sorry. I just don't know."

Kagome-sensei rubbed his head in frustration and then glanced over at Kon's shop as another series of destructive noises came from inside. "Okay. Map it out for me. Where has this happened?"

"It's spreading, but I've heard about attacks at the Nara research center and along the road from there into downtown. Twelve people were killed on Willowbark Lane. There was what might as well have been an explosion in a tea shop on Elm Street. There was—"

"Cross street for the tea shop," Kagome-sensei demanded. His eyes were closed and his fingers twitched as he mentally collated information.

"Near Pure Way, sir. The shop was called Lucky Taki's."

Kagome-sensei grunted. "Not so lucky. Go on."

Snake continued listing locations. They clustered in the downtown region and favored commercial establishments, but at least twelve ninja had been torn to ribbons in the middle of various streets when they walked into whatever this was.

"Anything above ground?" Kagome-sensei asked. "On the roofs, I mean."

"Yes sir. Two of them. One across the street from Lucky Taki's and off to the east three blocks, then another atop Lady Kikuku's." She stammered slightly at mention of the famous whorehouse. "The Lady's place was also destroyed. Like, a lot. We lost two ninja discovering those rooftop instances. Until then we'd only seen them in the streets."

"Are all the locations connected? Like, is this a contiguous effect?"

She shrugged. "We aren't really sure, sir. It's very hard to map them out without getting skewered, and when it goes into a building there's no safe way to follow. It's possible."

Kagome-sensei nodded and blew out a worried breath. "Okay. Tell your friends to pull back."

"Sir?"

"I've got an idea."

"Sensei..." Hazō said slowly. "What are you doing?"

"It's growing," Kagome-sensei said. "It's growing on its own, slowly, but any contact makes it grow fast. The sun is strong enough that the snow is starting to melt, so there's going to be water dripping off the roofs, which would be enough to trigger it. Every time it grows into a building there'll be a lot of dust and debris swirling around which, based on what I'm hearing, is enough to set it off again. Each time it grows bigger there's more surface to be contacted, so it grows faster. We need to shut it down now."

"Yes sir, but how?"

Kagome-sensei licked his lips nervously, his eyes fixed on Kon's dangling body. "There's a lot of sealmasters in Leaf learning skywalkers," he said. "It's a fairly hard seal, so not too surprising that there'd be a lot of failures. Failures don't necessarily have anything to do with the nature of the seal that caused them, but sometimes there's at least a hint of connection. I'm either going to solve this problem or kill us all, so you guys should really get way back." He looked down and reached into one of his belt pouches, pulling something out that he kept concealed in his palm. "Snake, has this area been cleared?"

"The streets have, sir. There's still some softfeet in a few of the buildings. We've evacuated as many as possible out the far sides, but some of the houses don't have facing doors and we're reluctant to blow holes in the walls just in case the effect is inside. An explosion could spread it really far, really fast."

Kagome eyed the street, measuring distances by eye. "Okay," he said. "Can't be helped then. Get your people back. Hazō, you too."

"Sensei," Hazō said, worried. "This one time, I don't think explosives can solve this problem. In fact, I think that Snake is absolutely right and explosives would make things very much worse."

Kagome-sensei glared at him. "Teach your grandmother to suck eggs. I was literally mopping up after sealing failures before you were conceived. Back. Off." When Hazō didn't move, Kagome-sensei looked at Snake. "Get him out of here, even if he doesn't want to go."

"Sensei!"

"Sir," Snake said, looking at Hazō. "He's the senior sealmaster onsite. If he says you leave, you leave."

"No! I'm not leaving you alone, sensei."

"Sir," Snake said grimly, "please come with me or I will physically remove you. I am not letting Jiraiya's son die after the SSO says to get you out of here."

"Don't worry, Hazō," Kagome-sensei said. "I'll be right behind you. I'm going to throw this"—he gestured with the hand that held whatever it was, although he still kept it tucked away out of sight—"and then I'm going to run like hell."

"Sir," Snake said to Hazō. Her voice packed a tremendous amount of promise-that-was-almost-threat into one word.

Hazō's jaw tightened. "We're safer here," he said. "There's no way of knowing where it is, and you said it's been seen on the rooftops. We could run into another patch of it while running away from this one."

Kagome-sensei looked old for a moment. Then his face firmed up and he nodded. "Right. Good point." He eyed the dangling corpse across from them for a moment. "You're a good kid, Hazō. I don't say it enough, but I'm really glad you're my student."

"Sensei—"

Kagome-sensei's arm cocked back and he threw.

A wooden disk arced up and out, the winter sun making the disk's shadow chase the disk itself across the packed dirt of the street. Kagome-sensei, Snake, and Hazō all backed up as far as they could and scrunched down in anticipation of what was to come.

Ten feet above Kon's pithed head, the implosion seal triggered. There was a zorp as all the air in the vicinity vanished into extradimensional storage space. A moment later there was a bam! as the inrushing air crushed the throwing disk and the seal glued to it into fragments, releasing all the stored air to explode outwards in a wave of destruction that scoured the street bare and demolished the houses on either side.

Kon's mangled body—or what was left of it after the implosion got done with it—collapsed to the ground with a wet thud. The blood that had been delimiting the invisible spikes fell as well.

"Unh," Kagome-sensei grunted, standing up. "Thought so. It's a frozen air effect. The guy probably almost succeeded on infusing a skywalker blank but didn't get the containment part right."

"Sensei..." Hazō said slowly. "Did you just...wasn't that chakra-infused air?"

Kagome-sensei shrugged. "Told you I was either going to fix it or kill us all." He turned to Snake. "This thing is basically an out-of-control Air Dome. You should be able to physically destroy it; if you hit a Dome hard enough to break it then it will vanish, and the same probably applies here. Use ranged jutsu or explosives. Whatever you use, use a lot of it. You want massive overkill, because if you don't break it in one hit then it's going to grow fast from the impact and the resulting dust cloud will make it keep growing."

"Usamatsu's," Hazō said.

Kagome-sensei looked at him for a moment, then nodded. "Risky. Very short range."

"So we mount them on poles, swing them in front as we walk. Much less collateral damage."

"And I'm really not sure that storing the air is a good idea."

"Right, but does Usamatsu's actually store the air or just the contaminants? Like I said, if it actually stored the air then—"

"I told you that's nonsense! There's no third-layer mesh! How can it be doing any sort of external filtering when there's no third-layer mesh?!"

"Yeah, but—"

"Gentlemen," Snake said. "Am I understanding correctly that there's another solution on the table which might work and would have much less collateral damage, but it also might cause horrific doom?"

Hazō and Kagome-sensei exchanged glances.

"It probably wouldn't cause horrific doom," Hazō said. "It's not actually storing the air, it's—"

"It's absolutely storing the air! Look, it's basic chakra physics. If you—"

"We'll stick with the collateral damage," Snake said firmly. "Explosives are easy, and I've got a Lightning Bullet that should work a treat."

"It would be worth pulling the Aburame in," Hazō noted. "Their bugs can locate the effect and eat the chakra out of it."

"They'll make it grow when they land on it," Kagome-sensei grunted. "Tear them apart before they can do anything."

"Maybe, maybe not. I think—"

"If I leave you alone, will you both agree to stay right here?" Snake asked. "I need to report this in so we can start getting it done. I can't do that unless the two of you promise that you literally will not move more than five feet from where you're standing until I get back."

"No problem," Kagome-sensei said. "I'll be sure he doesn't go anywhere."

Hazō shot him a sour look. There was no need to make him sound like an impetuous child!

"Okay," Snake said. She turned and jumped up to the roof, disappearing from sight.

Hazō sighed. This had started off as such a nice day.

o-o-o-o​

It was fifteen minutes before Snake returned to escort them to a nearby ANBU safehouse where she sat and waited with them. Somewhat ironically, Hazō spent the time drawing skywalker blanks for Kagome-sensei to infuse.

It was four hours before Wolf showed up to say that the incident had been fully contained and it was safe to leave.

"What's the damage?" Hazō asked.

"Twenty-six deaths," Wolf said grimly. "Twenty-one genin, the rest chūnin."

Hazō gritted his teeth. "And civilians?"

"Civilians? Uh...I dunno. Three, maybe four hundred? It went through one of the big markets. Looked like chunky salsa afterwards. The bad part is going to be the infrastructure. Seven wells got collapsed, so large parts of the city are without easy access to water. One of the secondary granaries blew up and they're still putting out fires. Additionally, the caravansary over by the east gate got hit hard. A lot of foreign merchants are dead and there's a hell of a lot of injured and dead draft animals. Still, if the Nara hadn't figured out what was causing it and how to fix it, this would have gone a lot worse."

"Hey," Snake said indignantly, "it was Lord Kagome who—"

The man in question placed a hand on her arm. "Don't worry about it," he said. "With a widely-dispersed incident it's common for multiple people to find the same answer, or at least to all find various answers. I'm just glad you lot have a habit of actually listening to the experts on the scene."

She looked at him quizzically. "Well...yes."

Kagome-sensei snorted. "You'd be surprised, girl. Anyway, we need to get home."

"No," Hazō said. "Death and destruction everywhere? We need to figure out how to help." He sighed. "And I still want to try to set up those meetings."

"Hazō..." Kagome-sensei said.

Hazō shook his head. "I'm just going to drop off the invitations. I had wanted to meet Ino and Lord Akimichi today and Lord Sarutobi tonight, but I'll change the dates to the day after tomorrow. Once that's done we can start trying to help people find places to sleep."

Kagome shook his head in an amused and 'I know perfectly well that it is pointless to argue' sort of way and then pushed himself to his feet with a grunt. "Right," he said. "Let's do this."

o-o-o-o​

The destruction was unsurprisingly bad and the cleanup was surprisingly easy.

All the ninja clans had sent people to help. The Hyūga, Inuzuka, and Aburame could find survivors no matter how deeply buried. The Akimichi, towering like ogres of legend under the effect of their Multi-Size Technique, used their massive strength to shift rubble into neat piles. The Motoyoshi would animate the rubble and make it realign itself into an approximation of walls which the Kurusu would glue in place and civilian cement workers would rough-and-ready patch together. And, of course, Naruto was everywhere.

Dozens, possibly hundreds, of identical straw-haired young ninja were spread through the streets of the hardest-hit areas. They were cutting through obstacles with hand-held swirling vortices of chakra, combining their strength in perfectly-coordinated heaves to move large beams and bits of rubble, building human pyramids in order to get the height necessary for long-distance signal-mirror communication, and more. Mostly the 'more' consisted of recovering the bleeding, shredded bodies of the dead and rushing the perforated bodies of the dying to the hospital. The medic-nin were exhausting themselves trying to save lives while the civilian doctors triaged, bandaged, and cauterized.

The force effect had spread throughout the city, spikes shooting out wherever it was struck by anything. One of the Nara coordinating the relief efforts told Hazō that the sealing failure had actually happened yesterday but the effect had started this morning. It had begun within the body of Nara Norifumi, the unfortunate young apprentice who had failed the infusion. It ripped him to flesh rags and then spread, retracing in reverse his every step from the moment of his death to dawn of the day before the infusion failure. And, of course, spreading from that path every time it came in contact with a physical object. There were only three fortunate elements to the event: first, the growth of the effect had appeared to have a finite store of energy; it slowed a tiny bit with every step as it grew back along his path, and the surges of destructive growth when touched used up a lot of the energy at once. Second, standard Nara protocols meant that when the failure happened Norifumi had immediately been sent to a bunker well outside of Leaf. The large majority of the damage had happened outside the city, causing a lot of the effect's energy to be harmlessly expended on animals and trees. Leaf had gotten hit very lightly in comparison. Third, breaking any part of the effect caused the separated parts to begin fading. Once that weakness was known, Leaf ninja had been able to cut it apart like a chef chopping carrots. Only five more had died in the process, and only two of those had been Nara.

"Who were the other three?" Hazō had asked.

"One was Kiyomoto, clanless jōnin," Nara Kiyoo had replied. "I am unaware of the others' identities, although I believe they were also clanless." He shrugged. "It is unfortunate to lose them—most especially Kiyomoto—but if it needed to happen then it is better that it occur during an internal event such as this instead of in the field where it would entail the failure of their mission."

Hazō had turned away and gone back to helping a crowd of Narutos dig out a dead woman and her screaming infant daughter. The Iron Nerve kept his face completely still, masking the burning rage he felt at the Nara's answer.

o-o-o-o​

"Hazō," Kei said carefully, "while I grant that it is morally positive for you to have promised shelter to that crowd, I will note that there are not even remotely enough beds or bedrooms in the house for all of them. Do you intend to have them sleeping in the halls?"

"Nope," Hazō said, not looking up from where he was fussing with the wagon he'd been pulling. It was a strange thing, and crude. Someone, probably Kenta, had taken a bunch of 4x4 beams and nailed them together to form three sides of a square, with another beam sticking out from the crossbeam and crossbraces clumsily slapped in place to make the whole thing rigid. Holes drilled in the long sides allowed a piece of iron bar stock to serve as an axle for a pair of wagon wheels that were not quite the same size. The axle holes were slightly too large, so the axle rattled back and forth and caused the entire contraption to shake and swerve. Hazō was busy pulling out the bolts that held the wheels on and removing the axle.

"Do you intend to inform me of your actual plans?" Kei asked, after waiting long enough to be sure that there was no more information forthcoming.

"Yup. First, I need Pandamonium, Pangaya, Panjandrum, and Pankurashun. Noburi, be ready with the water."

Kei eyed him dubiously for a moment. "You realize that there is a tremendous amount of damage to the Nara estate that I should be assisting with?"

Hazō straightened and turned to face her for the first time since he, Kei, Noburi, Kenta, and the four confused civilians (to whom she had not yet been introduced, due to Hazō's utter focus and dismissal of the rest of the universe!) had arrived in the overgrown jungle that was the Gōketsu backyard.

Hazō's face was utterly blank but his eyes burned with simmering anger. When he spoke, his words were frozen harder than the ground they stood on.

"From what I saw, the damage to the Nara estate is largely property damage that can be fixed by any competent construction worker. Likewise, you have some dead about whom nothing can be done and only a few wounded, whom someone else can care for as well or better than you. I, on the other hand, have two hundred and fifty-ish people who are going to be showing up on my doorstep sometime in the next hour, desperate for a place to sleep out of the cold. They have nowhere to go; their houses are destroyed, their families and friends are all dead and their houses were destroyed, and they can't afford to pay for an inn. If someone doesn't step up and help them they'll freeze to death before morning. I'm not going to let that happen. If necessary then yes, I'll have them packed cheek-by-jowl into the house, but I'd rather give them their own quarters. As to you, you are either Team Uplift or you're not. If you abandoned us for the Nara, fine. Go. If not, summon your pangolins so that we can make those people some shelter."

The force of his anger almost physically pushed at her and Kei stepped back, away from the intensity of it. Kenta and the unnamed civilians, already jumpy from the way Hazō had been using small implosion bombs as brooms to clear the snow from their path, stepped back quite a bit farther than she had and looked as though they were one angry glance from outright fleeing.

"Of course," she said. She stuck her finger on a kunai and made the handseals before slapping her hand to the frozen, spike-grassed ground. "Summoning Technique: Pankurashun!" Sparkles of exhaustion danced before her eyes as the chakra was torn out of her and thrown across the void between Paths.

There was a burst of smoke and the massive pangolin loomed above them. He looked around for a moment, then nodded to Keiko.

"Summoner," he rumbled. "I was not expecting your call. What may I do for you?"

"I am as yet uncertain," Kei admitted. "Please stand by." She quickly drank the first bottle of water that Noburi was holding, her chakra coils surging full again as she swallowed, then repeated the fingerstick and handseals. "Summoning Technique: Pangaya!" Another bottle, another fingerstick. "Summoning Technique: Pandamonium!" Yet another bottle, which she had to force herself to drink given the bloating of her stomach. "Summoning Technique: Panjandrum!"

"Summoner."

"Summoner."

"Greetings, Summoner! How may my mighty skills resolve your issues today?"

"Thank you," Hazō said. "Pankurashun, Pangaya, Pandamonium, Panjandrum, you remember me and Noburi. These are Yashiro, Mahiro, Wataru, and Fumiaki. Mahiro, Wataru, and Fumiaki are lumberjacks and Yashiro is their crewchief. We're going to be clearing some land. Last but not least, this is Kenta, my cousin and an expert carpenter."

The carpenter in question blinked in surprise at the statement of familial relation.

"M'Lord," Yashiro said delicately. "When you hired us, you didn't say what you needed. It's getting on towards dark; it's not safe to be lumbering in the dark, and these trees around us are all ironwood. They don't cut worth a damn, begging your pardon. Even taking one of those small ones down"—he gestured towards a tree no thicker than his wrist—"is the work of hours."

"I don't need you to cut, I need you to teach," Hazō replied. "As to the dark...." He unsealed a half dozen six-foot lengths of bar stock and then pulled several Jiraiya's Awesome Daybright Lantern seals from his belt pouch. (Jiraiya had been very clear about the fact that they were one of the first things he'd invented, he'd been thirteen at the time, and stop grinning or you can use a candle like all the other losers who don't have the world's greatest sealmaster for a father.) A quick twist stuck each seal to the end of one of the pieces of barstock and a tap lit it up, flooding the area around them with brilliant yellowish light and sharp-edged shadows. "I've got plenty of these. The pangolins can hammer them into the ground wherever you need them."

He knelt beside the now-wheelless no-longer-a-wagon and started placing seals on the inside of the long pieces, going carefully and measuring with exacting precision. "As to cutting," he said, his voice somewhat distracted, "that's not going to be a problem. Pangaya, Pandamonium, I'm putting a seal on the inside of this frame. It generates an invisible wall of force that is incredibly sharp. Please be very careful as you lift it and move it around, because it will cut through you or any of the rest of us just as easily as breathing."

Two pairs of massive eyes turned to Kei, heads cocked in inquiry.

"Do as he says," she told them. "For the moment, he's in charge."

"Yes, Summoner."

"As you command, Summoner."

"Hazō, what have you got for the rest of us?" Noburi asked, all business as he saw that Hazō was in no mood for jokes.

"Yashiro will be directing Pandamonium and Pangaya in bringing the trees down," Hazō said. "Wataru and Fumiaki will pair up with Keiko and Noburi and show you how and where to cut in order to clear the branches off and notch the trees so that they can be easily turned into a log cabin. We'll be using explosives for that, so mind the friendly fire. Mahiro will be showing me how to clear stumps. Panjandrum, you'll be dragging the sectioned trees into position and stacking them so that Kenta can nail them in place." He pulled out a pack of seals. "Kenta, I've got plenty of wood, nails, and all your tools. If you and Panjandrum can clean the edges up a bit so the logs fit together better, great. If not, don't worry about it. Fast is better than good for now. Keep the roof low so it holds heat, build a sticky-out bit around the door so we can have blankets at front and back." It was the standard design that Kagome-sensei had drilled them on. Kagome-sensei, who was back in the clan kitchen frantically making as much food as the family pots would hold in order to feed the horde that was about to descend on them.

"You ask the mighty Panjandrum to perform menial labor like a puling Condor?! I would sooner—urk!" Panjandrum's bloviating was cut off when Pangaya grabbed his face with one hand and squeezed his mouth shut. He glared at her resentfully for a moment but did not attempt to escape. After a moment she gave him a censorious nod and released him. He grumbled quietly, but even that stopped at another glare.

"I've got no problem with this," Noburi said. "Still, wouldn't it be handy to have Naruto here? That Rasengan of his cuts through pretty much anything, and it's a lot more controlled than either explosives or that giant Force Wall frame."

"He's busy with disaster relief. There's a limit to how many clones even he can make."

"Sir," Kenta said diffidently. "Nailing ironwood is difficult. It'll be slow going. And, as quick as we're to be working, the logs won't fit together well; there will be large gaps no matter what I do. It's barely going to serve as a windbreak and definitely won't be watertight if it rains."

"Don't worry about it," Hazō replied. "If you can get the nails started, give Panjandrum the sledge and he can knock them in fast enough. It's okay if there's gaps; the refugees are all bringing as much hay as they can carry from what was left of the caravansary. They'll use it to stuff the cracks in the walls and dump it on the roof as poor-man's thatching. We'll pile snow over it, melt it with a youthenizer, and let it freeze so it holds everything in place. It'll be pretty rough-and-ready but it should be enough to keep everyone warm for the night and we can build better quarters later." He looked around. "We don't have a lot of time, so let's get cracking."

"I note that I remain unassigned," Pankurashun rumbled. "How can I help?"

"Right, sorry," Hazō said. "Almost forgot. Clearing the trees off is just the first step, and it's not enough. The ground here is full of dangerous plants and probably dangerous minilife—blood beetles, boreworms, that kind of thing. I need you to roll around the cleared area in order to rip up all the plants and churn up as much of the dirt as possible. Be thorough; everything in there needs to be completely annihilated or people are going to die. Once you're done we're going to set it on fire and burn it all to ash, then repeat the whole process at least twice more. Afterwards, I'm going to salt the earth."

"Understood."

Kei looked around, frowning. Hazō's implosion bombs had more-or-less cleared the snow from an area at least a hundred feet on a side. "This is quite a large area," she noted. "Properly salting the earth requires a great deal of salt to be certain of effectiveness. Do you have enough?"

Hazō nodded grimly. "Pretty sure I do. I completely bought out one of the suppliers. A good chunk of Leaf is going to be hurting for salt for a while, but that should just improve market conditions. When we get our first load in I'll divide it evenly between all the salt merchants, no charge. That way there's nothing for the Merchant Council to bitch about, it gets the stuff into circulation quickly, and it will establish our credentials as a supplier of good merchandise. Later on we'll see if we can get some disaster relief funds from the Tower to offset our costs. And, of course, we'll start charging."

"A loss leader. Interesting."

"Sure, whatever. Let's get started."

It was, in the event, difficult for the clawed hands of the pangolins to grip the wooden frame in which the Force Wall lived. Pangaya and Pandamonium fumbled at it for a bit while everyone else stood well back. After a few minutes they got it sorted out and got the frame up and balanced on their claws. From there, they listened to Yashiro for a moment, they walked up to the first tree—that young, wrist-thick one that Yashiro had indicated before— and kept walking, the Force Wall frame tipped slightly up and lifting as they went. The Wall passed through the trunk of the tree with barely any resistance, carving diagonally up through the trunk such that the tree slid down the nigh-frictionless Force Wall.

In totally the wrong direction. Pangaya dropped the Force Wall and threw herself aside. Noburi grabbed Fumiaki and dragged him out of the way as the tree fell right where they'd been standing.

"Sorry," Yushiro said, blushing in the light of the Jiraiya's Awesome Daybright Lantern seals. "I didn't realize it would slide like that. We'll get it the next time."

o-o-o-o​

Two hours of heavy work had left them all sweating and burned through enough explosives that even the Gōketsu were noticing the expenditure; Hazō had actually needed to dash back to the house to get more. Still, there was a very rough-and-ready enclosure prepared, large enough for over two hundred humans to fit inside as long as they didn't consider personal space too much of a necessity. It was only five feet tall, trading off the need to hunch over for improved heat retention.

Those deficiencies aside, and allowing for the constraints of the environment and the speed with which it had been constructed, the shelter was remarkably comfortable. There were six different firepits burning inside it, with Purifier seals pointed at them to deal with the smoke. There was an entryway 'tunnel' with a dogleg in it to block the wind, and heavy curtains hung at two separate points so that someone could come in without letting all the heat out. The gaps in the walls and ceiling were stuffed with hay, a layer of ice held everything together, and the floor was coated in a thick layer of more hay. The floor which, as perhaps the most important part of the construction, Hazō had created by way of the Multiple Earth Wall jutsu so that there was no risk of anything tunneling up from below to consume or infect the people sheltering within.

Hazō had been nervous about offering the refugees such crude shelter, but the two hundred and sixteen aforementioned people (the remainder of the original crowd had managed to find lodgings they preferred over the home of a ninja) were delighted.

"Thank you, M'lord," one man said, touching his forelock and bowing deeply. "Thank you kindly. We were expecting to sleep cold tonight. Not sure the young 'un would have woken up." He gestured to the nearly-toddler cradled in the arms of the woman standing shyly behind him—presumably his wife.

"Glad I could help," Hazō said. "We'll be bringing food down soon. It won't be fancy and we don't have enough dishes so you'll need to take turns. If you could all please get inside, that would be great."

The man grinned, five missing teeth at the front of his mouth making him look like the middle-aged man he was. "Trenchers are fine, M'lord. Plop it on a board, we'll be fine. Thank'ee."

Hazō blinked. "Okay," he said. "Hadn't thought of that. There's a bunch of leftover lumber, so sure. Get some people to carry it all in and pass it out." He started to turn away, then remembered something. "What's your name?"

"Bunji, M'lord, if it please ye."

It felt somewhat surreal to have a man three times his age call Hazō "M'lord", but he rolled with it. "Okay. Bunji, we're going to need people organized. We're going to get you back into your homes as soon as we can, but until then I need a list of injuries, any sicknesses, and what all you people need. It's late and we're all tired, so unless there's something urgent we'll leave it for tomorrow, but I will need to know by late morning." In truth, Hazō had done so much heavy hauling and burned so much chakra that he could barely see straight, so he wasn't sure he physically could have dealt with any issues right now.

"Absolutely, M'lord. Absolutely! And thank'ee. Thank'ee right all, M'lord. We—"

"You're welcome," Hazō said, cutting off what was clearly going to be a flood of gratitude. He glanced over his shoulder to where Kagome-sensei was trotting down from the house with a massive stack of seals in his hand. "Okay, here comes the food. Eat well, sleep well, talk to you in the morning."

"Yessir! Thank'ee, M'lord."

The Iron Nerve allowed Hazō to smile and nod, and then he turned and jogged away. He slowed and stopped as he passed Kagome-sensei; the older man stopped along with him, cocking his head inquisitively.

"You got this?" Hazō asked. "I can stay and help pass out food if you like."

Kagome-sensei eyed him for a moment, then shook his head. "It's fine. I'll handle it."

"Is it going to be a problem, that many people?"

Kagome-sensei eyed Bunji and the three other people standing at the door of the refugee quarters. "It'll be fine," he said. "They're civvies. Not much threat. Go eat something and get some sleep."

Hazō nodded. "Thanks." He clapped Kagome-sensei on the shoulder and turned for the house.

o-o-o-o​

Thump! went the front door.

"Goooood evening, my squibbly little clanlings! Come and get it, 'cause Mamma Mari's got a whole heaping pile of political conquest for you!" went the matriarch of the Gōketsu clan.

Shudder, went Hazō's spine.

Lately, Mari's good moods came with a serious dose of creepiness. Which was a bit sad, since this topic was important enough that Hazō would need to engage despite the fact that he was utterly exhausted after working himself to the bone with the construction and then gulping down a heavy meal. Unfortunately, tired as he was, he couldn't make his brain shut up. He was too wired to sleep, so he was curled up with a book in front of the fire. The book in question was one particular set of Jiraiya's sealing notes from his first two years as a researcher; Hazō adoptive father had given it to Hazō a week before they all went to Mist for the tournament. The presentation had been elaborately casual, as though it were nothing of importance, but Jiraiya had been visibly nervous while he waited for Hazō's reaction to being given open access to the unrestricted private thoughts of the then-teenage Toad Sage. His weatherbeaten face had lit up when Hazō's eyes went wide in excitement. And that memory absolutely did not bring keening pain to Hazō's heart.

"What have you got?" Hazō called, setting the book aside and forcibly shoving his emotional memories aside as he sat up with a sigh.

"I," Mari said, bouncing into the room with upraised scroll waving like a battle banner, "come bearing the keys to the Uchiha soul! We don't just get to control them for this vote, we get to control them for every vote that matters for years."

"That sounds... worryingly impressive." Hazō held out his hand for the scroll; she dropped it on his palm with a proud curtsy, then flopped dramatically down on the facing couch.

The scroll was massive, sheet after linked sheet wound together until it almost doubled the dimensions of the platen.

"Start me with the summary," Hazō said, eyeing the thing with distaste.

"Can do, big boss boss man boss! Most important caveat: They won't vote against the Hyūga for Hokage, but they will abstain."

Hazō frowned. "That's...not great, actually. It puts us at eight to eight with no idea what the tiebreaker is. We'd be betting that we could flip more of Hyūga's votes than he could flip of ours."

Mari shrugged. "Hey, you have to play the cards you're dealt, right?"

Hazō goggled. "Are you kidding? Sage's blistering boils, no. I play the cards that I tucked up my sleeves, and into my vest, and into my pant cuff. And I tell my secret partner how to play his cards too."

"Really? Huh. Personally, I just invade your mind, look through your eyes to see what your cards are, and then completely rewrite your subjective reality such that I win. But yours is good too I guess.

"Anyway, here's the deal: There's usually one or two Council votes per month, for everything from choosing who fills significant seats like head teacher at the Academy or which ninja should get promoted to jōnin to negotiating with the Merchant Council to whether or not to tell the Daimyo to raise taxes. Technically, it's all advisory since the Hokage can do whatever he wants. In practice, what the Council votes for usually becomes reality. That will be especially true if Asuma gets elected, since he doesn't have the sheer physical power to kill anyone who oversteps. Long and short: Controlling the votes of nine of the seventeen people who sit on the Clan Council means controlling everything that matters about Leaf and the Land of Fire.

"The Uchiha acknowledge, grudgingly, that they can't afford to piss off the Hyūga too much, so they won't vote directly against them on this or any other truly major issue until the Uchiha have rebuilt enough of a ninja force to protect themselves. They will abstain, which is often going to be good enough. They'll give us this one, plus five more markers that we can cash in for any vote. Each marker gets them to vote for us or abstain, their choice. We also get another marker for each of the years in which they adopt a child from one of the of the girls we're adopting—"

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, yeah, we're adopting twenty-seven of their civilians, including eleven girls about your age. Did I forget to mention that part?"

"You did, yes."

"Right, sorry. Anyway, we're adopting twenty-seven of their civilians. Sixteen of them are useless drains on our family economy—toddlers, brain-sick seniors, that kind of thing—and eleven are nubile young girls between fifteen and seventeen."

A pit of uncomfortableness formed in Hazō's stomach.

"Mari...are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"

"That starting on your eighteenth birthday, we are required to have each of those girls get impregnated by a ninja every year for five years, and that any children born from such a union are to be immediately adopted by the Uchiha? Oh, and that at least three of those pregnancies must be by a ninja who was born as a Kurosawa? Yup, that's what I'm suggesting."

"Mari... this sounds a lot like the breeding program that you got so sick over."

Mari waved airily. "Not even remotely the same. For one thing, these girls will all be eighteen or older by the time the terms kick in, so it's not like they're kids. Second, they're utterly stoked at the idea of having kids with ninja. That's every civilian girl's dream, you know? Have a kid with a ninja, your social stock goes up like a shooting star in reverse and you become secure and taken care of without the need for daily drudgery. If that kid ends up being a ninja, you become the closest thing to royalty that a civilian can become. Plus, the kids are immediately adopted into one of Leaf's founding ninja clans, there to be treated like the precious little things they are in hopes that they will be the next generation of Uchiha ninja. The girls are free to visit whenever they want—in fact, all the civilians are free to visit back and forth with their families unless there's a clear legal or operational reason to exclude them. If there's any doubt about whether something qualifies, we take it to a Leaf tribunal for settlement.

"Anyway, starting three years from now and continuing for five years, each of these girls—who will be mature women at the time, moving on towards spinsters really—need to get impregnated by a ninja once per year. Each year, three of those impregnations need to be done by a ninja who was born as a Kurosawa. If you're too busy then we can hire someone or whatever. All of the kids they have during that period are automatically adopted into the Uchiha. Again, that all starts three years from now, when you turn eighteen. I figured that would give us enough time to get all our affairs in order so we weren't dealing with an aggravation of pregnancies while we're still struggling to get established.

"The great part is that, for each year that a child of one of those girls is adopted, we get an additional political marker from the Uchiha." She held up a clarifying finger. "That's one per year, not one per kid. That continues in perpetuity, not just during the five-year period. In addition, any Gōketsu who develops the Sharingan is immediately and unconditionally adopted or married into the Uchiha, even if that means being married to a civilian woman because there isn't a kunoichi available.

"The final thing that we're giving up is money: a million ryō per month for the next five years. Given all your talk about money-making schemes, that shouldn't be an issue.

"So, putting that all together: In exchange for a pittance of funding, adopting some civilians, breeding a bunch of very willing women who are eager for ninja babies and then handing over the kids, and also marrying off the very unlikely Sharingan-equipped ninja, we get the jackpot. The Uchiha abstain on this Hokage vote. We get five markers that we can cash in to make them vote for us on anything, or just abstain if they decide it's too risky. We get an additional marker every year for as long as at least one of those girls is able to produce a live birth. Two markers for any Sharingan ninja. Status as a preferential trade partner from now on. And, tada! Starting ten years from now and continuing for twenty years, we get five percent of all Uchiha income net of basic clan expenses."

Hazō began digesting that. "You told them about the Kurosawa being able to give birth to Sharingan children?"

She shrugged. "You put the idea on the table. Besides, you said that they would know as soon as anyone with the Sharingan looked at any Kurosawa. They almost certainly knew beforehand."

"'Almost certainly'. Not 'they knew', just 'almost certainly'."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to snipe at me or are you going to ask meaningful questions about this amazing deal?"

Hazō nodded, pushing the sudden rush of fatigue away. "What does 'preferential trade partner' mean?"

Mari shrugged. "Still vague. They don't have a lot of trade at the moment; the Hyūga have been choking them economically in order to keep them subservient, so we'll need to do something about that. The kinds of things I would expect would be notifying us of major opportunities in advance of anyone else, giving us right of first refusal on broad classes of sales and ventures, using us as a moneylender given equivalent terms, that sort of thing. Undefined or not, it's a major get. It doesn't quite make them our vassal, but it's close. And, before you ask, that five percent slice of their revenue is only monetary income, meaning things that exist as physical ryō. It includes all the reverse-tax incentives that the Tower provides to the clans: the non-conditional monthly disbursement that each clan gets—and they're a founding clan, so theirs is a lot bigger than ours—plus the fifty-percent bonus on mission pay, and the refund on mission-pay taxes. Not the equipment budget, because that's non-monetary. Not their lands, but any revenue that comes in from those lands. And I know what you're going to say: Yes, it would be possible for them to shield income from us by shifting it away from ryō and into other categories. It's very unlikely that they will do that to any significant degree; this is an amazing deal for them, and they don't want to screw it up. Also, honor of the clan blah blah blah stuff that Uchiha take very seriously. Just the accusation that they are dealing in bad faith would be a major blow to them, so I expect they'll play it clean as the Sage's shorts.

"So, Hazō: What do you say? Want to gain massive political influence now and a ton of money in the future? All you have to do is sign it."

Hazō gave her a sickly smile. "Do you mind if I read it first?"

Mari shrugged without bothering to sit up. "Go ahead. It says what I just said except a lot more flowery and verbose with lots of legal language."

Hazō looked down at the massive scroll in his lap and mentally groaned. Then, steeling his resolve, he picked it up and began to read.





XP AWARD: 5 + 1 (brevity)

It is now about 11pm.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, July 3, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
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Chapter 271.1: Payback
Chapter 271.1: Payback

The storm struck when they least expected it, when it was far too late to take cover or deploy protection. Looking back, Hazō was stunned by their lack of preparations, by the sheer folly of failing to prepare contingency measures. They'd known it was coming. They'd known it was only a matter of time. In fact, they'd half-welcomed it as something that they could survive and move on. Instead… they turned their attention to other, lesser, crises, allowing themselves to believe that this dark tomorrow would never come.

"Ooh, is that breakfast?" Mori asked, sweeping up Hazō's spoon and taking a mouthful of his porridge. "Mmm, bittersweet."

Kagome leapt up, hands full of immediate destruction, but Mari waved him away.

"Oh, don't mind me," Mori said, handing the spoon back to a stunned Hazō. "I've already had mine. That was just for the symbolism. What's up, Mari-sensei, kids, scary explosive guy?"

"Every jōnin on the continent strolls right past my defences," Kagome-sensei muttered. "Don't know why I even bother."

"Pfft," Mori said, waving a hand dismissively. "I'm sure your defences are state-of-the-art, I just don't care. You know I can just watch the path you people take on your way in, right?"

Kagome-sensei glared at her as if trying to set her on fire with petulance alone. "Is it so hard to wait for someone to let you in? That's just proper manners, that is."

"I don't need proper manners," Mori said off-handedly. "I'm family. I'm Keiko's sister. You two are Keiko's brothers. That makes me your big sister by the transitive property. If anything, you're the ones who should have invited me. What happened to our long-awaited family reunion?"

Hazō resisted the urge to facepalm.

"Also, Shikamaru has yet to process the fact that I'm his sister-in-law," Mori added. "I can't wait."

"So," Hazō said, "assuming you aren't out to eat my breakfast, why are you here?"

"What?" Mori shrugged. "Can't a woman visit her beloved little brothers on a whim?"

"No," Hazō said flatly.

A happy thought occurred to him. "You know, if we're siblings, that means we can't go on any more dates."

"Ooh, well played." Mori grinned. "But! I can still invite you to instances of two people spending a day together to promote mutual knowledge and familiarity, in support of a platonic long-term relationship. Did I mention that I love my Keiko?"

Hazō resisted the urge to facepalm hard.

"Back on topic," he said. "Are you here for any specific reason?"

"All sorts of reasons, but mainly because I figured you might want to call in that favour, and I haven't been making myself easy to find. So. Strike while the kunoichi's hot?"

Oh, right. She'd addressed Mari as "sensei". Much was explained. Hazō would have to get to the bottom of that later, but right now his mental resources were sufficiently tied up.

"Yes, actually," Hazō said. "We've talked it over, and we've decided on a simple favour: 'maximise the Gōketsu's political power'."

The words echoed powerfully in his head, as if they marked a turning point in his destiny.

"Sure, why not," Mori said lightly with no hesitation whatsoever. "I figured it was either that or another request to marry into the family, which I guess would have to be to Kagome—can I call you Kagome?—since he's a cousin as many times removed as you like. Or Mari-sensei, but I don't think Leaf is quite ready for that yet." She frowned. "I'll have to change that at some point. Anything that makes Keiko unhappy must be eliminated."

"Does that mean you're up for it?" Mari asked.

Mori nodded. "Sounds like fun. But I have three requirements."

She raised the index finger of her right hand. "Don't try to get me involved with the elections. I'm not touching those with a ten-foot pole. It'll interfere with Stage Four of the Master Plan, it has a poor risk-reward ratio, and it's a conflict of interest since I want the Hyūga to win."

Hazō's mouth dropped open. "You… do?"

"Mmm. I've run the numbers, and a Hyūga victory would make the rest of my stay in Leaf much more enjoyable. Also, the chaos. The sheer chaos. Just the thing to keep me going now I've taken over Mist."

"You've taken over Mist," Noburi said. "In the what, two weeks since we left?"

"There was some existing groundwork," Mori admitted. "And some of the clans might see it differently, though they'd be wrong. And everything about Yagura, from his policies to his death, was a diabolical plotter's dream come true. Obviously, Leaf doesn't have that tradition of tyranny and repression, at least on the surface, which means I get to explore all-new tactics. Isn't that great?

"Anyway, you can have that clusterfuck all to yourselves. Requirement two."

She raised her middle finger. "As soon as the election's over, no matter who wins, I need you to call for a council vote on a topic of my choice, and I need you to lose."

"You can't be serious," Hazō said.

"If I make things go according to plan, you'll benefit. Like, a lot. My word that it won't hurt you, and I never give my word, so you should feel all special and give me nice things.

"You need this," Mori went on. "I won't be able to stick around for long after the funeral, and that means I have to get as much done as I can while I'm here. Half-ass it, and you'll undo all my hard work."

"And you're not going to tell us what you're planning in advance."

"Nuh-uh. First off, I'm keeping my options open. If a plan as complicated as mine doesn't get derailed at some point, there's something wrong with the universe, so I'm going to need plenty of flexibility to get back on track. Besides, you can always decide to call off the vote at the last second, assuming you're OK with wasting a unique once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in favour of becoming increasingly marginalised actors in a rapidly shifting political environment.

"Second off, that brings us to requirement three. Mari-sensei can give you this one."

She raised her ring finger.

"Don't interfere," Mari said.

Mori nodded. "A seduction specialist acts independently," she said coolly, "because any form of exposure, any form of interference, results in certain death. To manipulate someone whose initial position is that of suspicion, and who of necessity possesses greater knowledge and power within the given environment, it is essential to maintain a perfect balance of thought, feeling, and action. External influence on any of those three elements, however well-intentioned, risks catastrophe.

"Besides, I know what I'm doing. Did I, or did I not, successfully go on multiple dates with Leaf's most eligible young bachelor and the son of the most powerful man in the world? Did I, or did I not, make multiple Kage miserable with nothing more than a couple of friendly letters and a welcome party? Have I, or have I not, remained entirely inscrutable despite baring my very heart and soul to you?"

"You have?" Hazō asked sceptically.

"No," Mori admitted. "But I made you wonder for a second."

The family members present exchanged glances.

"Would you excuse us for a second?" Hazō asked.

"Sure thing. But I make no guarantee of the safety of your breakfast."

"I'm staying with her," Kagome-sensei growled. "Not letting the likes of her out of my sight for a second."

"Finally, somebody gets me! Now shoo, the rest of you."

-o-​

"All right," Hazō said. "Thoughts? Mari-sensei, you apparently know her best."

"Oh, that? She was my cute little junior. I gave her sage advice whenever I felt like it, and she paid me back in favours. Surprisingly skilled favours for her age. The rest of the time, we stayed out of each other's way.

"If she says she'll maximise our power, she'll maximise our power. She'll also further a dozen of her own schemes, and if the whole thing leaves Leaf in ashes, that'll be an acceptable side effect. Not that I expect too much of that—she knows what's at stake in geopolitical terms, and there's only so much she can do on foreign ground in less than a month."

A cold breeze washed over the room, despite the fact that there were no windows and the door was closed.

"Seriously, Mari?" Noburi demanded. "Did you actually just go and say that out loud? What, did you decide taking a bath in fresh blood and then diving headfirst into the ocean while shouting blasphemies against the Hoshigaki ancestors would be playing it too safe?"

Mari blinked at the form of address. "Fair enough. But I think we can use her. If she's working to promote Gōketsu interests instead of catching us in the crossfire, I'm prepared to accept a certain amount of collateral damage."

"Couldn't you shut her down?" Hazō asked. "If you were master and student, you must have some influence over her."

"Bad idea," Mari said with a wry smile. "We never had a relationship of trust as such, and if I tried to do it by force… well, that collateral damage would be off the charts. Division of labour's better. We focus on the stuff we were already doing, and she focuses on the stuff I bet she was already doing. I can't tell you why she's happy to maximise Gōketsu's power, but I'm sure she'd find a way to weasel out of it if she wasn't."

"Good." Hazō nodded appreciatively. "Noburi?"

"This is the kind of terrible idea we regularly sign up to," Noburi said. "Hazō, I get now why you looked half-dead coming back from your dates with her."

"She was the only one who called them that," Hazō muttered rebelliously, even as he recognised a lost cause. This was Noburi faced with a teasing opportunity. It was already far too late.

"What does maximising our political power actually mean, anyway?" Noburi asked. "It's the vaguest thing I've heard since Kagome gave us his views on Leaf politics."

"That's half the point. Ami's better at politics than any of us—"

Mari coughed meaningfully.

"All right, she's more experienced than any of us at politics specifically. We've got a lot of great stuff in the works, but it's going to take time to set up, and we don't have the bird's eye view to tell what's going to be most efficient here and now. If we go for the Uchiha thing, we'll be feeling the full impact of that over a decade from now, when we start getting waves of Gōketsu genin. Whereas if she has ideas for how to get us as strong as possible within a narrower timeframe, like while the Hyūga are chomping at the bit to wipe our clan from the face of the earth, and if she's dealing in good faith…"

"Good faith," Noburi repeated. "You do realise that she's crazy, right?"

"Right. But apart from that whole marriage business, and undermining my sense of reality, and hurting Keiko, and possibly using me as an experimental subject, and alternately being terrifying and kind to me for her own twisted amusement, and devastating my gaming night, and threatening to eat my breakfast, she's never actually done anything hostile as such. Besides, she's a devastating loose cannon. Let's try to have her pointed away from us."

"Actually, Hazō, that's not what a loose cannon—"

"Glad we're in agreement," Hazō said firmly. "Let's go bring her the ominous news."

-o-​

"Hooray!" Mori bounced up and down with all the poise of an insane eighteen-year-old jōnin. "I promise that you probably maybe potentially conceivably won't regret this! Can I get started now?"

"Started how?" Hazō asked warily.

"I want to talk to the refugees you've taken in. Lead me there and then stay out of sight. You can listen all you like, but it won't work if they know you're there."

Why was it that every time Hazō was involved in anything involving Mori in any way, he felt a sense of impending doom which invariably turned out to be right?

-o-​

"My name is Mori Ami," Mori said to the tightly-packed crowd of civilians stirring after a cold and largely sleepless night, "and I want you to know that I've been where you are.

"Even though I'm a ninja," she said bitterly, "and I'm supposed to be ever so powerful, I failed to protect my sister, the only person I loved in the world. She was taken from me and I wasn't strong enough to save her."

She placed her right hand over her heart. "Houses can be rebuilt. Livelihoods can be restored. But, nobody, not even the Sage, has the power to bring back a lost loved one."

"I am a visitor from the Village Hidden in the Mist. I have no right to speak to you about what the Leaf clans have or haven't done, or what they should or shouldn't do. But as a clan ninja in my own land, as one responsible for the civilians in my own land, I would like to say this:"

She let her hand fall back to her side. She did not bow, but she lowered her head. Before civilians.

For a moment, she closed her eyes.

"We have failed in our duty to protect you. In return for your labour, we, the clans, are responsible for the safety and well-being of our subjects. Yet we have allowed so many of you to suffer and die because of a clan ninja's failure."

She stopped short of verbal apology, but the tension in her stance made it clear that she was restraining herself. After a few seconds, she raised her head to look up at the stunned listeners.

"But in the midst of despair there is still a reason to hope." Her voice rose. "You can see it for yourself, here and now. There is one clan that hasn't abandoned the people in its care. One clan prepared to call on otherworldly powers to protect strangers in harm's way. One clan that makes no distinction between the strong and the weak. Today, as never before, I am proud to be an ally of the Gōketsu!"

She half-turned to face the main compound, and began to clap. At first there was hesitation, but on seeing her beaming, encouraging smile, others began to gradually join in. Hazō, lurking around the corner, couldn't help but smile himself.

Eventually, the applause died down.

"Finally, one more piece of good news," Mori said. "There is another out there who understands your plight and is working to help. Lady Tsunade, a woman who lost her family at a young age, and spent decades building a new one, only to lose it in one fell swoop mere days ago, knows your pain like no one else. I have spoken with her and convinced her of the gravity of the situation, and she will be sending you every medic-nin she can spare. The world's greatest healer," her voice strengthened, "will not stand by and watch two hundred people suffer before her eyes.

"Until then, Gōketsu Noburi, himself a powerful medic-nin, has finally recovered enough from last night's labours to begin seeing to your wounds. He will be coming any minute now. As for me, the day has barely begun, and there is so much still to be done. The Will of Fire be with you, my friends."

She ducked quickly out of the enclosure and headed back for the compound.

"What was that?" Hazō asked.

"Half-truths, misdirection, fake sincerity, and all the emotional whiplash I could scrounge up at this time of day. Oh, but the Tsunade thing is true. Getting in that woman's good books is like trying to get a Wakahisa to quit drinking, but showing that your ulterior motives are compatible with her outward ones goes a long way. Oh, and when I said 'convince', it was more a case of 'inform'. No medic's got time to run around taking care of fragile little civilians day by day, but a woman like her wouldn't be able to live with herself if she chose to ignore a humanitarian crisis."

"You're trying to manipulate Tsunade," Hazō said in horrified awe.

"Yeah, right. Do I look suicidal? More than the next traumatised jōnin, anyway? You can't talk to someone like her without putting all your cards on the table up front. You have to stack the deck in advance, since you only get one roll of the dice, and you don't know which side the coin will land on until the ball stops rolling. In short, you have to hit the bullseye before she can checkmate you."

Hazō gave her a look. "There is not one part of what you just said that makes sense."

"I know, right? Nobody ever wants to play by my house rules. But wrangling Tsunade isn't something you need to worry about, assuming you've already got her vote for the election. You should be figuring out what to do about all those incoming medic-nin who'll be blaming you for insulting them and making them waste their time on a crowd of filthy civvies."

With that, she began to skip cheerfully towards destinations best left unknown.

"Ami!"

She turned.

"Do you actually care about civilians?"

She gave him a thoughtful look. "What does it mean, in the end, to care about another human being?"

Before Hazō could begin to figure out an answer, she resumed skipping until she was out of sight, leaving him with nothing but a familiar sense of building headache.
 
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Chapter 272: Binding Alliances

"Well, mighty leader, I'm assuming that you're ready for me to take that amazing deal back to the Uchiha? Perhaps even with a bit of praise showered upon me beforehand?"

Mari twirled, rising up on her toes and posing like a tavern dancer for a moment, then relaxed into a more normal stance. Her face lost its giddy expression when she saw what was in Hazō's hands. "Or, judging by your expression and the fact that the scroll you're holding is not the one I gave you, perhaps you feel inclined to make some 'helpful' suggestions that I will no doubt be required to go and negotiate?"

"Actually, yes," Hazō said, refusing to have the wind taken out of his sails. "The deal you brought me was good, and you did a fantastic job negotiating it, but there are a couple points that need to be added."

Mari gave an exaggerated sigh and flopped into the chair across from him, thumping her feet up onto the coffee table. Noburi, Akane, and Kagome, sitting on the couch in between their Clan Head and matriarch, struggled to suppress their giggles.

"Lay it on me," Mari said, resigned.

"Right. First off, the Hagoromo deal is perfect. Signed and sealed. Do you want to deliver it, should I, or should one of the others?"

Mari shook her head. "I'll take it. Stop stalling and give me the bad news."

"It's not bad news," Hazō said defensively. "More like...tweaks. On the Uchiha contract."

"Uh-huh. How many 'do this or I walk away' items do you have?"

"Um...three."

Mari let her head fall into her hands, shaking it dramatically. She looked to the ceiling, raising her hands imploringly. "Why, O Mighty Sage? Why must you torment me so? Have I not served faithfully and well, turning my every effort and thought to the advancement of your goals?"

"Actually, sensei," Akane said, "I think the Sage's goal was peace and harmony. Given that you, as a ninja, have perpetrated many acts of theft and murder, I doubt that—"

"Don't harsh my buzz, okay kid? Hazō, let's have it."

"Right. So, first, I need to be sure that the women are not being threatened or coerced in any way. If they are being forced to have kids against their will, the deal is off. If at any point one of them wants to opt out of the deal, she can, and she'll either stay with the Gōketsu or be re-adopted into the Uchiha as she sees fit."

Mari blinked. "You're serious? You're insisting that the Uchiha, who are eager to cut expenses and absolutely frantic to get more ninja babies, not only allow one of their brood mares to opt out, but also that they be forced to take her back?"

"Yes," Hazō said firmly. "Either they agree that the women can opt out and be adopted back into the Uchiha if she wants to be or there's no deal."

Akane started to say something but Mari waved her to silence. "Don't bother. Hazō's got the bit in his teeth and we all know what happens now. Nothing to do but clean up the mess."

"But won't they just—"

"Hush," Mari said firmly. "Let it go." She turned back to Hazō. "Fine. I can sell that as long as you're willing to let the Uchiha replace her."

"Yes, that works. If one of the women opts out then they can provide another who will take over the first one's obligation. Just her obligation. The five-year counter doesn't restart. If for some reason they don't have another suitable woman then we'll make sure that the total number of pregnancies stays the same, with the remaining women having extra children as soon as it's safe for them to do so."

"Fine. What else?"

"I'm not going to have the women dying of complications or too-frequent births if I can avoid it. Competent medical experts need to examine them before each pregnancy. If it's decided that the woman cannot safely conceive now, or at all, then she won't have to. Same terms as before—the Uchiha can replace her if they want, or we'll have the other women have extra kids."

Mari nodded. "That's actually pretty sensible; farmers always have the local horse doctor look over their brood mares before the season starts, and we should do the same. I should have thought of that myself; the Uchiha will be glad that we're going out of our way to ensure they get full value. In fact, I'll even add a clause about 'if one of the women dies they can send a replacement'. Good job, Hazō."

"Uh...thanks." Hazō wasn't entirely sure that he felt particularly good about that comparison.

"So far this is all workable," Mari said. "Which means I am absolutely dreading the shoe that is about to drop. What's your third demand?"

"Parents of any child born and immediately adopted or married into the Uchiha Clan will be allowed to be heavily involved in the raising of the child until said child has reached his or her age of majority. This includes any children born under the eleven civilian women adopted from this deal, as well as any future children who develop the Sharingan. Ideally, the Gōketsu and Uchiha Clans may choose to raise these children together under dual-clan membership, to be applied at birth. This means that they will be considered to be both of the Uchiha AND the Gōketsu Clans, though their status as Uchiha Clan will take precedence."

Mari blinked.

She studied him for a moment, clearly thinking, then spoke. She was smiling and the words were light and airy as she asked, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Hazō frowned. "What?" He looked around to see that Noburi and Akane were staring at him in just as much appalled shock; Kagome-sensei simply looked confused.

"Hazō..." Noburi began. "There is no such thing as a child of two clans. The idea isn't even coherent—it's like saying that something is a triangle and also has five sides. Plus, the entire point of this deal is that the Uchiha want to get more ninja. Ninja who are loyal to the Uchiha, not to someone else. The Sage himself could not convince them to move on that point."

"What do you mean, the idea isn't coherent?" Hazō demanded. "Keiko is both Gōketsu and Nara. The legal status clearly exists."

"What does that have to do with anything? That's a marriage. We're talking about kids. Newborns. You can't be born into two clans anymore than you can be born in two parts."

"If the legal status already exists in one context then it can exist in another."

"No," Mari said with finality. "If this is a dealbreaker then the deal is broken. I'm not even going to discuss it with them because it would accomplish nothing except pissing them off and would absolutely guarantee they voted for Hyūga."

Hazō glowered. "You didn't let me finish. I was about to say that if they agreed to extend the legal practices of marriage to this case then the Gōketsu Clan would shoulder the cost of raising these children. Monetary costs, training, general child rearing, etc., until they reach their legal age of majority, after which point they will move into the Uchiha Clan compound."

Noburi's eyes widened. "You're not even going to let them grow up in the Uchiha compound? Hazō—"

"Hush," Mari said, waving him to silence. "Let's just ride it out and see if there's anything to salvage. Hazō, you were saying?"

Hazō's words were clipped and angry. "If they agreed then I was going to commit our clan to training the kids. They'll need to know what they're doing in order to prevent issues related to the Iron Nerve bloodline, and I would even be willing to offer tutoring in certain Gōketsu clan secrets—specifically the details of the Iron Nerve, but don't tell them that. Of course, any clan secret training will be understood to be not taught to anyone outside of the Gōketsu Clan. Additionally, I would be willing to teach them non-secret clan techniques and outfit them with seal loadouts at our discretion."

Three pairs of eyes stared at Hazō in shock while Mari's were simply resigned.

"So, just to summarize," the redhead said, "you want the kids to grow up as members of both clans, with the Uchiha membership taking precedence. You're aware that there is no such legal framework for children, so you're expecting to...have the kids get married at birth, I guess? Also, you're insisting that the kids grow up at the Gōketsu compound, where they will undoubtedly bond with Gōketsu as their primary caregivers and consider themselves members of the Gōketsu clan first and Uchiha only as a legal fiction. Upon attaining the age of majority, they will be ripped away from the people they grew up with and forced to live in a new compound. You'll give them training in our clan secrets which they will absolutely not leak to the clan known for stealing jutsu. Also, you say that you're going to give them seal loadouts but there's no actual commitment so it's really an empty promise. Does that about sum it up?"

"Don't twist my words, Mari. You know perfectly well what I meant."

"No, Hazō, I sincerely do not. What I just said is exactly my understanding of what you're asking for. If I editorialized a bit then it was only to state the implications."

"I don't want to be cut off from my kids, okay?! I refuse to have those kids grow up the way I did—cut off from the people who should have loved and cared for them. The Gōketsu are not uncaring monsters like the Kurosawa! We are the clan of Uplift. We look out for people and strive to make the world better, not perpetuate the mistakes of the past."

Mari's face softened. She paused, thinking. "Okay," she said at last. "I see where you're coming from. I cannot get you what you want. Neither can anyone else. There is zero chance that this deal can fly, so unless you have a softer version then we're done. I'll shut things down with the Uchiha and tell them that it's my fault—there were some developments that we only just found out about that are going to render us unable to meet the terms of the deal. They'll still be annoyed, but that's better than furious." She studied him for a moment, then cocked her head in interest. "Hang on...you do have a softer version?"

Hazō looked disgusted. "Yes," he admitted. "I figured they might have their heads too far up their own asses to appreciate the advantages of that deal—"

"Advan—" Noburi yelped, only to be cut off when Akane elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"—so I prepared a fallback position," Hazō continued, projecting a magnificent unawareness of the peanut gallery. "I'll accept unrestricted visitation rights by anyone in the Gōketsu clan. As often as we want, no duration limits."

Mari sighed in relief. "I can do that," she said. "In fact, I sorta did—the contract already says that the civilians could all visit back and forth whenever they wanted. I didn't try to push it to ninja because I figured it would make the Uchiha nervous to have foreign ninja in and out of their compound at all hours. Still, I doubt it will be too hard to expand it to mean any clan member. There will need to be a few small carveouts—they aren't going to let us come back if we get caught sneaking around where we shouldn't be and they aren't going to let us visit while the kids are studying clan-secret jutsu or lore or are in important meetings. The Uchiha are their family and they get first call on the kids' time. Okay?"

Hazō paused, considering that one carefully. "That sounds dangerously open-ended," he said. He thought some more. "How about this: We can visit whenever we want unless there is an operational or legal reason to keep us out, same as for the civilians. If there's a disagreement, we go to a tribunal. But!" He held up one finger in emphasis. "If we ever end up in front of a tribunal twice in the same year, the deal is off."

Mari shook her head. "No. I can get the visitation rights expanded to cover ninja as well, especially if we use the same terms as what's already there for civilians. That last bit, about canceling the deal if we end up in front of a tribunal twice in a year? That basically amounts to us being able to cancel the contract at any time, just by making unreasonable demands."

Hazō deflated. "Okay, that's fair. Fine. Get the Gōketsu ninja the same visitation rights as the civilians and I'll take it."

"You got it, boss." Mari's smile was back. "So, is that it?" She set her hands on the arms of the chair, ready to push herself to her feet. "Can I go secure our ownership of the Uchiha soul, or is there more?"

"There's more."

She sighed and slumped back into the chair. "What else?"

"This isn't a dealbreaker, but I want them to vote for our candidate, not just abstain."

Mari waggled her hand in a so-so gesture. "Very unlikely, but I'll try. What have I got to work with?"

"I'll add any or all of the following: Increased payment, up to one-point-five million per month and/or extending the duration of payment by up to a year. We can reduce or eliminate our claim on their income. We can drop the initial number of political markers from five down to three. We can drop the requirement that they give us additional markers for each year that a kid is born. We can drop the requirement that they give us political markers for every year a child who develops the Sharingan is adopted."

"Not per year for the Sharingan," Mari corrected. "The terms are that we get one marker for each year that a kid is born but we get two markers for each Sharingan ninja we produce. Regardless, those are a lot of tools to work with." She thought about it. "So, basically, you are completely uninterested in every part of the deal except the Hokage vote and three initial markers. If they vote instead of abstaining then you're willing to throw out everything that I got for us, plus pay them more money."

Hazō winced. "That wasn't what I meant," he began.

She shrugged. "It's fine. I got the deal that I got because it was workable, attractive enough to negotiate quickly, and would give us enormously increased political power in Leaf in the short term and control of one of the founding clans in the long term. I modeled you wrong, and that's my mistake—I thought the long-term stuff would be more appealing, but clearly it's the immediate future that you consider most important." She considered. "That's fair. The Hokage vote has very long-term implications, so I guess I see why you're willing to trade everything else for a slightly improved chance of getting the result we want.

"Anyway, sorry for getting you wrong...the first job of a spy or a negotiator is to know what her handler wants, and I clearly failed at that." She glanced at the clock on the mantlepiece. "One o'clock. I don't think I can get this deal at all, but I definitely can't do it sitting around. Assuming there's nothing else, I'll go get started. Is there?"

Hazō shook his head. "No, that was it."

She nodded and stood up, gave a short bow to her Clan Head, and walked out.

"Hazō," Akane said slowly. "That was...not your finest moment."

"Dude," Noburi said. "I know sometimes you miss things, so let me say this bluntly: I honestly think it's great that you want to be better than those Kurosawa jerks. Seriously, kudos on that. I didn't think of it and I'm glad that you did. On the other hand, the way you handled that sucked. If you were willing to take visitation rights, I wish you had started there instead of talking about things that made you sound literally insane—like kids born into two clans. I also wish that you hadn't told Mari that essentially all of her work was worthless and that you didn't value her judgement about what was possible."

"I do value her judgement!"

"That's not the picture you conveyed," Akane said. "You could have explained what you wanted—specifically, to be involved with your children—and asked her how to achieve it, offering your ideas as suggestions or as a desired outcome. You could have led with the more possible option so that we weren't all terrified you were going to throw away a good deal over an impossible point of honor. Instead, you started by saying that the deal was off unless you got your way and then you laid out a detailed plan that even I, a clanless ninja, knew was mad. And you could have asked her whether it was possible to get the vote instead of simply directing her to secure it."

Countless hours of Mari's training over their time in the woods whispered in the back of his mind: Do not shoot the messenger; good messengers are hard to find. Never show anger; it will make it far more effective when you occasionally do. Steel makes your enemy reach for a weapon; silk binds him to your will forever.

The Iron Nerve kept Hazō's eyes from narrowing. A short pause to master himself kept his voice calm and allowed him to sort through his desired responses. There was no point in protesting that he had stated that the vote issue was a desire and not a deal-breaker—something he wanted, not something he was demanding. It didn't matter what you meant, it only mattered what the other person heard; if they heard something different than what you meant then you had failed at communication. Fortunately, simulated contrition was a great way to shut down a stupid argument, unruffle oversensitive people's foolishly ruffled feathers, and get back to useful work. "Thank you, Akane," he said. "You're right, I could have handled that better. Especially the way I organized it. I'll remember for next time." He stood up and clapped his hands, rubbing them like a man about to get down to heavy labor. "Now, I need to run an errand. While I do that, could you guys go talk to the civilians and find out what they need? Get them over to the hot spring and cleaned up, find out where their homes are and how we can help rebuild, that kind of thing."

"Of course," Akane said, smiling and rising. She glanced down at her younger brother. "Noburi, maybe you should be the one to ask that pretty brunette what she...needs."

Noburi stood up quickly, blushing fit to make his head explode. "I don't know who you're talking about," he said, his voice the very model of offended innocence.

Akane nudged him with an elbow, her grin getting wider. "Sure you do. She's the one who was making gooey eyes at you while doing this." She clasped her hands in front of herself and twisted from side to side, nibbling her lip and batting her eyes.

"She did not do anything like that!"

"Ah, so you do know who I'm talking about!" Her grin was so wide that her face was practically splitting.

Hazō, having no desire to intervene and potentially attract the tormenting eye of his older sister, slunk quietly out of the room. If Team Nakano Plus One was going to make a good impression tonight then they needed to bring food, and they were poor; he wasn't going to dump the need on them without giving them the money for ingredients.

o-o-o-o​

"Welcome!" Hazō said, swinging the gate open. "Thank you guys for coming!"

"Thanks," Nakano said, smiling. "We brought—"

"Don't you move, you stinkers!" Kagome-sensei growled. "Hazō, be sure it's them."

Hazō closed his eyes for just a moment, then opened them and turned a friendly smile on his teacher. "Sensei, it's them."

Kagome-sensei eyed the four younger ninja carefully. "How can you be so sure? Maybe they aren't ninja. Every other ninja seems to saunter through my trap arrays, but this lot didn't. Maybe they aren't ninja. The ones we were expecting were ninja, so they wouldn't be them."

Genda's jaw tightened.

"Sensei," Hazō said warningly. "They're obviously ninja, because they're standing on the snow. They didn't come through the trap array because (a) that's rude and (b) you've made it dense enough that it would have blown them to the Pure Lands. Also, Nakano, Genda, Sugiyama, and Jinno are all clanless ninja. Clanless ninja get talked down to a lot by some clans—especially the Hyūga—so suggesting that these four aren't really ninja is kinda putting yourself in the same bucket with the Hyūga and their ilk."

The blood drained from Kagome-sensei's face and his eyes went wide. "Hi! WelcometotheGōketsuhousewon'tyoupleasecomein!" He went down the line, bowing to each of them in turn. "Yes! Come inside, where it is warm and the cool ninja hang out. And by 'cool ninja' I mean the ones who aren't Hyūga stinkers. There's biscuits and crab stew with capers and even though they look like rat poop you should try them anyway because they're actually pretty good, and—"

"Thank you, sir," Jinno said, bowing deeply and giving Kagome-sensei a calm, confident smile. "We're honored to be here, and that stew sounds delicious." He made a 'hold on' gesture and then, very slowly and carefully, he pulled out the storage seal that Hazō had made for him on the way back from Mist. He checked to make sure that Kagome-sensei wasn't about to do anything violent, then unsealed a box which he revealed to contain a pan filled with baking hot apples. "I hope these will make a good dessert. Hazō mentioned that you liked sweets; these are a recipe that my mother invented. Pierced apples soaked in dilute honey, with just a sprinkle of cinnamon." He shrugged apologetically. "I'm afraid they're supposed to soak overnight and these have only been in for a few hours, but hopefully they'll be good anyway."

Kagome-sensei blinked. "Oh. Um...thank you, that sounds really yummy." He looked around at the drifts of snow and the howling wind that the four guests were struggling not to shiver in, despite their inadequate clothing. "You might want to seal those away again. They'll get cold."

"Yes sir." Jinno tapped the seal and the box and its contents vanished.

"Would you be kind enough to show us the way in, sir?" Nakano asked carefully. "Hazō described, in very general terms, the defenses you've built around this house, and I have no interest in tangling with them by mistake." He gestured to the other members of the group. "We all brought something but, if it's okay, it would be nice to get out of the wind before we bring them out. Or not. Whichever you prefer."

"Um...right," Kagome-sensei said, fidgeting nervously. "Yes. Okay, right this way. And, um, sorry about the 'not ninja' thing."

"No problem," Sugiyama said. Hazō didn't miss the way he shot the still-fulminating Genda a silencing glance.

Hazō had asked Kagome-sensei to keep the safe path simple tonight, since they were expecting guests. As a result, it contained only four doglegs and only required stepping over two tripwires. It also required passing around and behind several obstacles that would block any feasible line of sight, thereby preventing Ami's casual shoulder-surfing strategy from working again.

No sooner were they through the door than Kagome-sensei was struck in the hip by a hug-seeking missile.

"Hi, sensei! Hi, Hazō! Hi, new people!"

"Hi yourself," Hazō said, grinning at the young girl who was currently wrapped around his teacher's leg. "Honoka, this is Nakano, Sugiyama, Genda, and Jinno. They're grownup ninja who went to the Chūnin Exams with us. Everyone, this is Honoka, Kagome-sensei's junior student."

"I'm not junior!"

Hazō stuck his tongue out at the girl. "I was his student first, so there!"

"You weren't his real student! He only teached you sealing! He teaches me math and letters and history and—"

"'Taught'," Kagome-sensei said.

"Huh?"

"I only 'taught' Hazō sealing. You said 'teached', but the word is 'taught'."

Honoka looked at him suspiciously. "No it's not. I walk now and I walked then. You teach now and you teached then."

"Teach is an irregular verb. The past tense is 'taught'."

She let go of him and put her hands on her hips with a rebellious look. "That's stupid. It should be 'teached'."

"Honoka," Aoi said, hurrying in from the other room. "Stop being a nuisance. Let these nice people get their coats off and warm up. You're keeping them all standing."

"It's okay, ma'am," Jinno said, giving Aoi an appreciative look and a friendly smile. "She's no bother at all. Is she your little sister?"

Aoi laughed and covered her mouth, blushing. "She's my daughter."

"No way!" He shook his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to imply you're fibbing, but I didn't think it was possible to have kids at...twelve?"

Aoi took her hand away from her mouth and shook her head at the young rogue. "My husband and I were both considerably older than twelve when we got married," she said with a smile.

All happiness fell comically away from Jinno's face for a moment and he gave a sigh so exaggerated it took several seconds to complete. "Alas," he said. "The world is filled with unfairness." He bowed. "Jinno Yūdai, at your service."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Jinno. I am Yamomoto Aoi and this is my daughter, Honoka. Honoka, you said you were going to help me get some more wood for the fire."

"Oh, I can help with that, ma'am," Nakano said. "If you'll show me where the pile is...?"

"Actually, we keep the firewood in seals next to the fireplace," Hazō said. "Aoi is a civilian, so she needs Honoka to open the seals."

Nakano and his friends all stared at Hazō in shock. "How much wood do you keep in those seals?" Nakano asked carefully.

Hazō shrugged and looked at Kagome-sensei. "What...two, three cords?"

Kagome-sensei shook his head. "More like one and a half, I think. We've been going through it pretty fast since we moved in here." He turned back to the younger team. "May I take your coats?" His eyes flicked up as he riffled through his memory, then he leaned over to Hazō and whispered, "That's polite, right? The coats thing?"

"Yes," Hazō whispered back, grinning.

Kagome-sensei nodded. "Nailed it." He looked back to the guests. "Coats? Yes?"

"Thank you," Genda said, slipping off her coat (visibly general issue from the Tower's supply, and somewhat threadworn) and handing it to him. Kagome-sensei folded it quickly, then dropped it into a seal which he set on one of the shelves of the rack by the door. In exchange, he passed Genda the pair of house slippers that had been on that shelf. He then proceeded to give the other three ninja the same treatment.

"Coat hooks...so expensive," Genda said. She promptly hissed in pain as Sugiyama elbowed her hard in the ribs.

Hazō shrugged. "This way takes up a lot less space. The house is pretty empty right now, but can you imagine what it would be like if it was full to capacity, with everyone having to juggle coats and shoes around each other? Seals make a lot of things easier." He glanced over at Kagome-sensei. "Speaking of which, when we were on the trail back from Mist, all four of these guys expressed interest in hearing a bit about what it takes to study sealing. Do you think you could give them a rundown after dinner?"

"Sure! Basically, learning sealing is about not getting your face eaten. Or burned off. Or turned into goo. Or letting spiders crawl out of your bottom. Or having your digestive tract reversed so you eat through your bottom and widdle through your mouth. Or getting semi-sapient broccoli stuck on your cheek and slowly growing its claws into your eyeballs while chittering disturbing almost-words at you every time you tell a lie. Or—"

"Sensei!" Hazō said quickly. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'you need to learn this sort of math and that style of astrology'. And maybe after dinner." He gestured towards the crackling firelight that came through the door that connected the vestibule, where they now stood, with the main living room.

"Oh, sure," Kagome-sensei said. "Also, we should put those apples in the kitchen."

"We've all got food, sir," Nakano said. "I brought roast potato with carrots, as a sidedish."

"I brought some fresh bread," Genda said nervously. "It's not much, but Hazō mentioned that it was a crab stew tonight and I thought maybe that would go well?" For the first time since he'd met her, the tough-as-nails genin girl seemed actively unsure.

"What kind of bread?" Kagome-sensei asked, giving her a bit of sideeye.

"Um...brown bread? With raisins?"

Kagome-sensei's eyebrows shot up. "Brown bread with raisins?! Perfect!" He turned to Hazō. "See?! I told you! Sensible people get bread with raisins in it. Perfectly reasonable. Why you would get that nasty black bread with no raisins, I have no idea. Raisins. It's the right thing to do with bread."

Hazō raised his hands in surrender. "I yield! They don't always have raisin bread at that bakery you like, but I'll be sure to get it whenever they do."

"What do you mean, 'that bakery I like'? I don't always go to the same bakery! I'm not some kind of stupid...predictable stupid person who always goes to the same place!"

"I also brought a dessert," Sugiyama said, riding straight past the madness implicit in the previous sentence. "Crystalized honey infused with fruit juice. I hope you like it, sir."

Kagome-sensei's eyes were bright, but he kept his demeanor calm. "It sounds very tasty," he said. "Thank you, all four of you. Please, won't you come into my house freely and of your own will?"

No one chose to respond to that, preferring instead to get into the warmth of the living room.

o-o-o-o​

"This is amazing, sir," Snake said. "Genda, your bread is just as good as the stew."

The young ANBU was required to keep her secret identity secret, so her face was still covered. Fortunately, the lower half of ANBU masks could apparently be removed in order to allow the wearer to eat while on duty. She had been taking full advantage of this fact to consume massive quantities of Kagome-sensei's crab stew. She had already emptied one large bowl, swabbed it spotlessly clean with the bread, scarfed down the bread, and then filled the bowl again. No one was feeling restrained; Kagome-sensei had made enough to feed an army, and kept pushing it on people if they so much as slowed down. It was worse than the stereotypes about Land of Earth grandmothers.

"Thank you, ma'am," Genda mumbled.

Snake chuckled. "Snake is fine. Whenever someone calls me ma'am it makes me feel old."

"Yes m—Snake."

Several people laughed, Snake among them.

"So what's it like working in ANBU?" Hazō asked. "Does your family know who you are, or do you have to keep it secret even from them?"

"ANBU identities are classified, but there is some leeway. The rules are complicated and pretty boring, though."

"Got it." Hazō cast around for a safer topic. "Speaking of family, how is everyone doing after the sealing accident? Did it affect any of you and, if so, can the Gōketsu help?"

There was silence for several seconds as the clanless genin exchanged looks.

"Yeah," Nakano said at last. "These three"—he gestured at his teammates and Jinno—"got off okay, but my da and my oldest sister were in the market when it got hit. She's dead and he got his leg torn off. The medics found him before he bled out and they patched him up. If I hustle and if these guys help out then I can probably run enough missions to pay for him to stay in hospital and still cover rent, food, and fuel."

"I'm really sorry," Hazō said. "Losing a family member is hard. I was young when my poppa died, but I remember it felt like having my heart torn out. And then we all lost Jiraiya...."

Silence reigned again. Honoka fidgeted a bit, but sat still when her mother tapped her arm.

"A toast," Hazō said at last. "To Jiraiya...." He looked over at Noburi. "How did he always say it? Toad Sage, Wooer of Women, World's Most Popular Author...something?"

Noburi's smile was sad. "It varied. There was usually something about 'Lord of the Bedroom Arts' in there."

"I remember what he said when he came back after capturing Team Bloodrage," Mari said, smiling as she looked into memory. "'The Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, demands dango!'" Her smile got deeper, and sadder. "He earned all those names and more."

"I'll drink to that!" Hazō said quickly, hoisting his glass in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Of course, we'll need to expand the list a bit, and the loser drinks." He filled his cup from the nearest sake bottle and raised it high. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever!"

Noburi, sitting to Hazō's left, laughed and raised his own cup. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of all Bedroom Arts—"

"Mistake!" Hazō cried. "It's 'Master of the Bedroom Arts'! Drink!"

"Cheap!" Still, Noburi tossed back his drink.

Akane grinned and raised her own cup. "Say it one more time so that I may youthfully memorize the list!"

Mari repeated the chain of epithets, grinning the whole time.

"Right!" Akane looked up at the ceiling. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts...um...."

"Drink! Drink! Drink!" The chant went around the table. Akane slammed her cup with good grace and poured it fresh.

"To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya," Mari said, her voice poised and her smile loving. "Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers!"

Kaori raised his own glass. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya," he declaimed. "Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers, Legendary Sannin!"

Her father had no sooner finished speaking than Honoka raised her own cup. (Which, of course, held only herbal tea because neither her parents nor Hazō were stupid.) "To Jiraiya!" she said, her six-year-old voice high and eager. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, um...Master of the Bedroom, Author of...of...I can do it, mom! Author of the Best Series Ever, um...Spymaster, Wow...no, Wooer of Women, Self-Something Greatest Sealmaster Ever...something about the Council...Legendary Sannin, and Nifty Man!"

There was spontaneous applause.

"That was great," Nakano said. "Better'n I can do."

"Thanks!" Honoka said, her ear-to-ear grin revealing her missing front tooth. She leaned over and whispered to her mother, "What does 'wooer' mean?"

"I'll tell you later," Aoi replied quietly. "It's my turn." She lifted her own cup. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers, Legendary Sannin, Nifty Man, and Person Whose Titles Should Perhaps Not Be Explained Before Certain People's Bedtime!"

Amidst general laughter, everyone agreed that perhaps the game should end on that high note instead of finishing the round and perhaps causing more uncomfortable questions. Conversation turned aside, drifting from topic to topic. Eventually, Snake was cajoled into telling a non-classified story of her experience as ANBU for Jiraiya; the young woman was a great raconteur, with a natural talent for mimicry and a surprising vocal range that allowed her to approximate the voices of Jiraiya, Morino Ibiki, and then-Headmaster Tokugawa to great effect.

By the time the story finished, the meal had been thoroughly demolished. Nakano and his friends offered to wash the dishes, but Kagome-sensei said, "Meh. Toss 'em in the basin and let 'em soak. I want to talk more. Let's go back to the living room."

Everyone pitched in, moving the dirty dishes into the soaking sink and the leftovers into storage seals. Eventually, they all coalesced back at the living room. Kagome-sensei was the last one in and promptly crossed to the fireplace, where he started tossing in and poking at logs until the fire was roaring.

This, of course, was Noburi's opportunity. Hazō began to suspect that his immature and childish younger brother had resented not being the center of attention while Snake was telling her story. Clearly, he needed to have his ego stroked and attempt, in his pathetically self-important way, to prove himself the best storyteller in the room. And, of course since he was a terrible person it needed to be done at the expense of some perfectly innocent person.

"—and so Hazō says, 'What? It's just a carrot.'"

The adults, all of whom had been hanging on Noburi's every word through the humiliating twists and turns of the story (which was overly exaggerated and not even a little true because Barrel Boy was a lying liar), rocked with laughter. Honoka, lying on the couch with her thumb in her mouth and her head in her mother's lap, struggled to keep her eyes open. Her father, who sat on the other side of Aoi from Kagome-sensei, seemed to take no notice of the fact that Honoka's feet were in Kagome-sensei's lap instead of in his.

o-o-o-o​

The moon was trending down before they finally broke up for the evening. Aoi, Kaori, and Honoka were sound asleep in one of the only furnished guest rooms; it had been much too late for civilians to be out, so they were spending the night. Snake and the genin, however, were determined to go home.

"Thank you for a lovely night," Genda said, bowing deeply to Hazō and Kagome-sensei. "I really enjoyed it."

"Yeah," Kagome-sensei said. "It was...it was fun. You guys could come back sometime. You know, if you wanted?" He fidgeted nervously. "You, um. You should get your coats."

Genda picked up the seal that rested on the relevant shelf of the rack. Hazō stiffened in alarm when he saw the seal...only to freeze when Kagome-sensei cleared his throat and shook his head the tiniest bit.

Genda activated the seal and reached for the coat that should have been inside...only to duck back as a fountain of shredded fabric shot up to the ceiling.

"Oh no!" Kagome-sensei said, clapping his hands to his face. "I must have accidentally put your coats into macerator seals instead of into storage seals! They have been destroyed through my error and inattentiveness! Please, allow me to make it up to you!" From his pocket he pulled four new seals, from which emerged four heavy coats, each of which had a long scarf and a pair of mittens tucked into the pockets. The coats were major improvements over the general-issue ones that the four clanless genin had arrived in, and remarkably good fits to their suggested owners, especially for something that Kagome-sensei just so happened to have in his pocket.

"Oh good," Snake said, opening the seal containing her own custom-made coat to find that everything was as expected. "Glad mine survived."

Nakano looked at the shelf where his coat was, in theory, stored. He picked up the seal that rested there and studied it for a moment. He glanced at Kagome-sensei, then back at the seal. After a moment, he activated it. Sure enough, another fountain of shredded fabric went up to the ceiling. Wordlessly, Kagome-sensei extended the replacement coat to him.

"Thank you, sir," he said, taking the coat that Kagome-sensei offered and placing the macerator seal back on the shelf. "That's very kind of you."

"Yes, thank you," Jinno said, eyeing the seal on the shelf where his coat had been placed. He was doing a good job of hiding it, but there was sadness in his tone.

"You, ah, you should probably check," Kagome-sensei said. "Your coat, I mean. Who knows, maybe I didn't make a mistake with yours. Or maybe something survived. It can happen."

Jinno activated what was, to Hazō's trained eyes, just a normal storage seal identical to the one that Kagome-sensei had originally put the boy's coat in. What came out was a collection of scraps with a folded piece of paper on top.

"Oh, look at that!" Kagome-sensei said. "Something survived! How lucky! Good thing, too! Whatever you were keeping in your inside left breast pocket, I'm sure it was sentimentally valuable. Or whichever pocket it was in. Maybe a different one and not the inside left breast pocket. Could have been any pocket, really. Anyway, good that your letter survived. Very lucky."

Jinno studied Kagome-sensei for several seconds before accepting the replacement coat from him and tucking the letter inside it. "Thank you, sir," he said, bowing. "It's very kind of you."

"Kind? No no no! It's not kindness! I'm just apologizing, because I accidentally destroyed your lousy coats. Completely accidentally. Not intentionally. It's my fault, so you are doing me a favor by letting me give you this stuff and not being mad at me."

Sugiyama took the proffered coat without even checking what was in his seal. "Hey, you can destroy my GI coat anytime you want if you replace it with something like this. This thing is great."

"You, uh, you should probably take some explosives," Kagome-sensei said uncertainly, pointing towards the bowl by the door. "It's dark out. You never know what you might run into. Could be chakra murderworms. Or assassins from Cloud. Or those Hyūga stinkers. Always good to have explosives on you. Explosives solve everything."

The four genin all replied with variations on, "Oh, I couldn't!", which caused Kagome-sensei's shoulders to slump.

"Hey, I'm down," said Snake, snagging one of the tags out of the bowl. "Thank you, Kagome. It's very generous of you."

He glowered at her. "Why are you taking one?"

She cocked her head uncertainly. "Uh...sorry, I thought you were talking to all of us. I apologize." She dropped the tag back in the bowl.

"Kagome-sensei meant 'why are you taking one'," Hazō explained. "We make these things by the dozens. Please, take a fistful."

"Yeah!" Kagome-sensei said. "What kind of nitwit only takes one?" He shook his head and looked at Hazō. "Honestly, what are they teaching at that school? It's like everyone in Leaf is an idiot."

"Sensei!"

"It is! They only take one explosive, the coats they issue are lousy, they don't know how to do recon properly—"

"I know how to do recon properly," Snake said. "You shoot a Lightning Bullet in and look for what comes out."

"Exactly! Exactly! Finally, one of them gets it! Although really it should be 'throw an explosive in', because attack jutsu are for idiots. Seals are way better."

Snake shrugged. "Maybe for you, sir. You can make your own seals, so you always have what you need and you don't have to pay. For you, seals are better. For me, and for these four, jutsu are better. They don't run out, for one thing."

Kagome-sensei fidgeted, looking anywhere except at the people around him. "I...I could...well. I mean, if you wanted...I guess I could maybe talk to you guys about sealing a little more. You know, if you were interested. Maybe, if you wanted to and you learned everything and were really really careful, maybe I could even show you how to infuse."

Genda, Sugiyama, and, surprisingly, Jinno's eyes all lit up. The handsome genin was the first to respond aloud: "That would be great! Thank you so much, sir!"

Nakano shook his head regretfully. "It's extremely kind of you sir, but I'll bow out. I don't think I'm smart enough or detail-minded enough to study sealing, and the dangers you described aren't for me. I'm okay fighting and maybe dying in the field, but after what happened at the market...that's just too much."

Kagome-sensei nodded seriously. "Good man. I've seen too many people think they could do it when they couldn't. You're smart to know yourself." He glanced over at Snake. "What about you?"

She shook her masked head. "Not for me, sorry. It's interesting, and I'd love to hear more stories about it, but ANBU keeps me too busy for the amount of study I think it would take. Maybe someday."

"Okay." He turned back to the younger ninja. "Do...do you think maybe you'd like to come by sometime soon? Like, maybe tomorrow lunchtime?"

"Absolutely!" Genda and Sugiyama said. Jinno hesitated for just a moment and then joined in, that easy smile in full force.

Kagome-sensei's shoulders were hunched in embarrassment, but he was smiling.

"Neat," he said.





XP AWARD: 4 + 1 (brevity)

Vote time! What to do now? You have 3 slots per day for the rest of the week. The Informational threadmarks has the link to 'current slot allocations'. You are booked solid with meetings for the next two days.

It is now bedtime. Tomorrow (the 9th) and the next day (the 10th) are entirely filled with meetings, as is the afternoon slot on the 11th. Your next plan should cover what you want Hazō to talk about during those meetings. (NB: I'm pretty confident that these are the right dates. Regardless, even if I'm off they are correct in relation to one another.)

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, July 10, 2019, at 12pm London time.

The Hagoromo have signed the deal. The Uchiha are considering it and will get back to you tomorrow or the next day.

You had asked Mari to keep an eye on Snake during dinner and report afterwards. She reports that, as far as she could tell, Snake was what she presented as: a personable young woman, honest, who enjoyed your company and had a lot of classified knowledge that she needed to avoid talking about.

Hazō took Nakano aside as everyone was leaving and offered to pay for his father's medical bills. Nakano was appropriately appreciative.
 
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Chapter 273: Vignettes from Leaves on the Wind
Chapter 273: Vignettes from Leaves on the Wind

"Hmmm. I don't like him. Stinker's looking at me funny," her grumpy company for the afternoon grumbled.

Yukari let out a small giggle. "With respect, I'm not sure he can really help it. I think he's looking at everyone funny. Hopefully his attitude won't spoil the soup."

The 'he' in question, a hefty four-eyed fish currently on display as an advertisement for a market stall, did not respond.

When she was Ishihara Yukari, she would never have shopped on this street. Now she was, and was still getting used to being, Gōketsu Yukari, being personally escorted by a shinobi past shops that would have turned their noses up at her not even a month ago. Pride, and guilt over feeling prideful, mingled disagreeably in her gut. Perhaps it was a sign to stop lollygagging and continue her covert mission for the day.

"Kagome," she said gently, "would you mind getting the attention of the merchant once he's done talking with that man? I'm going to go see about some of those winter plums we passed earlier."

"Eh? Uh, okay. You... sure you wanna go alone?" Kagome asked nervously.

"I'll be right over there," Yukari said, indicating the appropriate shop and beginning to walk away.

Before she was halfway down the block, she had to spin on her heel at the sudden shout of "OY! Stinky fish-stinker!"

-o-o-o-​

"And then Hanabi says, 'Neji, no, that's angry, you need to be mean!' Ha! I think he managed to exhaust his face before she got bored!" explained a giggly and somewhat tipsy Hinata.

Strictly speaking she had been allowed to 'borrow' one of the clan's best sake bottles for her 'diplomatic mission' to the Aburame compound on the condition that she consume only a polite amount. Screw that.. If it would get a smile out of Shino, she would burn manners to the ground, at least for today.

Gratifyingly, her teammate at least emitted an appreciative exhalation. Not quite enough energy for it to be a 'snort', but she was making progress. Kiba was of course howling with laughter at the thought of Hanabi giving intimidation lessons to Neji, but he wasn't who Hinata was worried about at the moment. As much as the Inuzuka cared for their canine partners, losing your second-cousin-once-removed's dog was just not really comparable to losing your father.

-o-o-o-​

The room of the failed sealmaster had been far enough from Shikamaru's quarters that nothing here had been damaged. Sitting with her back to the corner, Keiko could almost put out of her mind the scenes of devastation her tessera had spent all day helping to clear. The blank faces of people who'd spent hours and hours trapped under their collapsed lives, not knowing if their families were safe, or sometimes knowing very well that they were not...

She wrenched herself back to her body. The ache in her muscles and her chakra coils felt good, and real, and solid, a reminder that she was at least doing something to help. Even if she wasn't nearly smart enough, or strong enough, or competent enough, or —

clink, insisted Tenten's teacup, snapping Kei back to reality again. All four members of their little... arrangement... had retreated together to recuperate in silent commiseration. Tenten was alternating between weapon maintenance and maintaining her tea intake. Shiori was ensconced in silent meditation, closest to the room's coals. And her dear husband was splayed out in an entirely undignified manner along the floor, clutching his head as though he didn't trust it to hold together on its own. His tea lay by him, abandoned and long cold.

Eventually Shikamaru spoke up. "Shiori, would you kindly pass the notes we were making earlier on to my dear wife? Wife of mine, if you could pass them to your brother tomorrow, it will make my life noticeably less troublesome. It may or may not make his moreso; I leave it to your judgement as to whether to take enjoyment from that."

Shiori was already up and moving to open one of the desk's drawers. Keiko accepted the scroll from within with a silent nod. No need to speak more and stress everyone, when all the important things would doubtless be sitting there in plain writing.

-o-o-o-​

"You're free to go, Lord Hyūga." Tsunade stepped back from examining her patient.

"Thank you," Hiashi said with a sincere bow. "Before I do, I'm afraid I must trouble you a little further, and ask if you've given more thought to what we discussed yesterday."

Tsunade didn't meet his eyes, preferring instead to scan her list of remaining patients for the morning. "I appreciate the offer. I don't appreciate the attempt to buy my vote."

A scowl, equal parts concern and frustration, crossed Hiashi's face momentarily. "Tsunade, war is coming, whether from betrayal by Mist, or by Rock and Cloud leading the Minor Coalition, or both at once. Our mednin are one of our biggest advantages, thanks in large part to you. Investing in a massive training program only makes sense. Asuma is young, and naive; he insists delisionally that peace is possible, and he won't do what's needed!. I am not buying anything. I am asking you to help me keep Leaf safe."

Tsunade sighed and turned to go. "I'll give it further thought when I don't have quite so many people to treat, Lord Hyūga. Have a pleasant day."

-o-o-o-​

Noburi and Naruto staggered along tonight's safe path to the main house. In the entryway, Noburi stored his coat, dusty and only slightly bloody. Naruto proceeded directly to the main lounge and practically collapsed onto one of the larger chairs.

Hazō carefully placed his brush down and turned to face his brother-to-be. "That bad, huh?" he inquired gently.

"Nah, nah, it was... manageable. Having a medic at the ops center helped," Naruto answered, gesturing toward the entryway as Noburi joined them.

"Fifty-one saved, out of eighty-two, since Noburi could stabilize on-site and on the way to Aunt Sunny or whoever."

"What he's not saying is the 'ops center' was him, and that he ran around like a madman literally nonstop," added Noburi. "I think there were at least a few dozen other Narutos doing the same thing, as well."

"Forty. Had to be sustainable," Naruto grumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Gods, I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. That one kid —"

"I know, bro. I know," Noburi cut in grimly.

"You did what you could, let that be a blessing," said Mari in a melancholy tone from right behind Hazō wait when did she get there. "If you feel guilty about not being able to do more, it'll just hurt your ability to actually do more."

"Shut your Sagebedamned mouth, Mari," declared Naruto, his voice cracking as he sprang to his feet and strode across the room. "He was trapped on top of his dead mom, for fuck's sake! I'll feel however I damn well please about that, thanks very much!"

Slowly, gently, the red haired woman lifted her arms and wrapped them around the blond teenager, pulling him into a hug as he started to sob.


Notes from Nara:
  • Due to sealing failure repairs / rescue / recovery, Nara manpower is going to be over-swamped until well past the vote, so they likely won't be able to do any further negotiations. Recommend going through Yamanaka & Akimichi if at all possible.
  • ISC is willing to cover half the Hagoromo payments.
  • Minami & Sarutobi have been negotiating with the Amori/Motoyoshi/Kurusu block. They report that they may be able to break off Amori if Gōketsu can add something substantial to sweeten the pot. ISC have already sent their offer along.
  • Since Hazō is not yet at the Leaf age of majority, he'll need to make sure all the appropriate administrative stuff has been dealt with for Mari to cast Gōketsu's vote. Shiori enclosed a copy of the necessary paperwork; for planning purposes, assume this will happen in the background.
 
Chapter 274: Pray I Do Not Alter It Further
Chapter 274: Pray I Do Not Alter It Further

The door slammed far more forcefully than it should have. Hazō looked up as Mari stomped into the room, radiating fury.

"What?" he said, setting his paperwork aside.

"The Uchiha gutted the deal," she spat.

"What?"

"Yeah. I didn't even have time to start talking about the amendments you wanted. They kept me sitting for an hour before I was led to the regent's assistant's office. His assistant's office! The bastard wouldn't even talk to me himself!"

Hazō blinked. "What?!"

"Yeah. Something happened behind the scenes, I don't know what. Probably that bastard Hyūga; now that he's out of the hospital I'm sure he's moving fast to lock down as many votes as he can. The Uchiha are still willing to abstain on the Hokage's vote, but the rest of the deal got eviscerated."

Hazō took a deep, steadying breath and let it out slowly. "Okay...what have we got now?"

"After much negotiation: We take two dozen of their civvies, none of whom are economically useful. We pay them a million up front, then five hundred thousand per month for the following eleven months, or four million up front. That's the total extent of it."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"What about the women, and the babies, and all that?"

Mari snorted. "Screw that. They wanted to rebuild their clan and get hold of our bloodlines, but they aren't willing to give us major political favors and long-term revenue? They can go howl."

Hazō very carefully kept his sigh of relief internal-only. That deal had squicked him from the start.

"Well," he said at last, "it could be a lot worse. The part we really cared about was getting them to abstain."

"No, the part we really cared about was tying them to us for the long term and gaining control of their vote on major issues so that we could shape the policy of Leaf for the next decade."

"Well, it is what it is," Hazō said, carefully avoiding what would clearly have been a tar pit of argumentation. "On first blush, I'm inclined to take the deal. Comments?"

Mari sighed. "Yeah. It's worth it. We really need the votes." She frowned. "Also...things feel weird out there. I saw a lot of formal-robed clan members moving around, from clans who don't often dress formally. They weren't going towards specific estates, so there's probably closed-door meetings happening on neutral ground. Also, I saw a group of clanless nin walking and talking in a sneaky way, but they all shut up as I passed by. I wouldn't think too much of it, except I saw another group huddled in the back of a tea shop and looking around like they were on mission protocol. Could just be that they are fresh back from the woods, but it stood out."

"Hm. Okay, well, let's get the others and talk about the new Uchiha deal."
 
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Chapter 275: Yet More Talking

"So that's where we stand with the Uchiha deal," Hazō said. "Thoughts?"

"I don't see any valid choice except to take it," Akane said. "The vote for Hokage is close, and it would be most unyouthful not to pursue every possible avenue we have towards victory."

"Agreed, mostly," said Naruto Prime. The future Gōketsu Clan Head was sprawled on the couch with his head hunched over a mug of hot tea in a failed effort to conceal his tear-stained face. Mari sat next to him, one hand rubbing his shoulder slowly in reassurance.

"Fishbrain's out the hospital," said Naruto First, who was currently 'seated' upside-down in an overstuffed armchair with his feet up the back and his head hanging off the seat. "He'll be moving fast and we need to deny him as many options as possible. The Uchiha deal isn't that bad; you should take it, and I agree that you should take the longer-term payment structure."

"Any idea what we do with the civilians?" Hazō asked.

Naruto Blue (lying on his stomach on the floor, feet kicking up behind him) shrugged. "Not sure yet. We'll figure something out," he said, not looking up from the game of checkers that both he and Naruto AAA were cheating at. "As I understand it, they're mostly going to be seniors with brain rot, infants, cripples, and children. For now, don't worry about it."

Mari poked Prime. "What you mean 'we', foreigner?" she asked, using the tagline of an old joke. "You're not Gōketsu yet."

"On the subject of people becoming Gōketsu," Hazō said, saving Naruto from needing to respond, "Mari, I wanted to apologize to you. The original version of the Uchiha deal treated the women and my future kids like political bargaining chips, and that really frustrated me. Still, I shouldn't have made you feel as though your work didn't matter."

"Don't mention it," she said. "I'm working hard to forget that deal ever existed and definitely don't want to talk about it, think about it, or acknowledge it in any way, ever again. Let's just pretend that it never happened; it's dead, so further discussion of it can't do anything except cause problems."

Hazō sighed.

"As amusing as it is to watch Mr. MEW regret his decisions, we should probably stay focused on real work," Noburi said, grinning.

Mari grumbled something that sounded a lot like "Spoilsport", and then sat back looking grumpy.

"Thank you, Noburi," Hazō said. "Naruto, what about you? Anything interesting going on?"

"Bleh. Not as much as I would like," Naruto AAA said, despite the fact that Hazō had actually been looking at Prime when he asked. "I've been spending most of my time on search and rescue, plus reconstruction where that's possible. Still, I've had a couple of me doing political work, and there's some promising leads. Some of it is still only half-cooked and I don't want to talk about it until it's a little less rare, but I think I'm making progress with Shino. I'm not sure I can flip him on the vote, but I'm working on it. If I can even get him to abstain, that will be to the good."

"On a more...mercenary note," Hazō said delicately. "Money. The Gōketsu war chest is fairly deep, but the various political deals we're making will burn through it fast. I know that Jiraiya left you a lot of his savings...."

Naruto Prime sat forward, his fingers steepling as the other Narutos looked up. Their multi-faced smile was amused and sardonic at the same time; the feeling of four sets of perfectly-coordinated stares made Hazō nervous.

"Are you asking me for money?" the Narutos all asked in terrifyingly creepy unison.

"Well...yes? I mean, you're going to be joining the clan, so presumably your finances will merge with ours. I'd like to know what to expect so that I can budget appropriately until then."

"Leave it for now," Naruto Prime said. "For now, I'll buy all the trees you chopped down for twenty million ryō. That should cover you for a while."

"Uh...yes," Hazō said, eyebrows shooting up. "Yep, that'll be fine." He paused. "What do you want with the trees?"

Naruto Blue shrugged. "No idea. I'll figure something out."

Hazō waited to see if there was more; there wasn't. "Okay," he said at last. "Let's wrap up the politics then. First, I say we take Shikamaru's offer to pay half the Hagoromo bribe money."

"Hazō!" Mari yelped. "It's not 'bribe money'. It's 'interclan monetary transfers' or, better yet, 'business funding'."

"Right," Kagome-sensei said. "Bribes."

Mari sighed.

"Any objections?" Hazō asked, desperately trying to keep things on track.

Glances were exchanged, heads were shaken.

"Good. Okay, next item: I want to lay out my political agenda and get everyone's thoughts. Bottom line, I think the best thing to do next is for Mari to pursue the Amori vote. In more detail...."





XP AWARD: 1

Author's Note:
I didn't finish this plan because I was traveling (a medium distance) on Saturday and today I traveled (a shorter distance) in order to have lunch with three of the MfD readers who shall remain nameless unless they choose to step forward. All three were lovely people and I had a great time. Thanks, folks!

I will leave the rest of the plan to @Velorien. There will be no voting.
 
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Interlude: The Real Treasure
Interlude: The Real Treasure

Hyūga Kazane was the very model of what a Hyūga should be. Well, she was the very model of what a branch-family Hyūga should be. Well, in her own opinion, she was the very model of what a branch-family Hyūga should be.

Still.

Things that the Hyūga (branch or not) were: punctual, well-dressed, always in control, brave, and the most smart and charis...cherism...best leader-type in the room. But mostly the 'always in control' part.

Therefore, when the back of her hand was painfully—and unexpectedly!—stabbed, she automatically froze and bit down instead of shrieking and throwing her books everywhere in her haste to run out of the room.

She had sat down in her assigned seat one minute before the teacher called roll, just as she always did. She had pulled the books out of her pack and slid them into her desk, just as she always did. The needle stuck her as she was pulling her hand out.

She wished that her chakra system was developed enough to let her use the Byakugan, because her ancestral birthright would have prevented her from ever stumbling into a silly trap like this the way some common-born (i.e., non-Hyūga) would.

Very carefully, she extricated her hand and examined the thin acupuncture needle sticking out of it. There was a small piece of paper tied to the needle; curious, she turned it over.

Lesson 1: Be nice to everyone, no matter if they are strong or weak, big or small, clan or non-clan.

Lesson 2: There are always people sneakier than you, and the attacker need only be successful once, while the defender must succeed continuously every time.

Lesson 3: Poison is cheap. Really cheap. And some people have gobs of money. (No, this isn't a threat. After all, the Will of Fire doesn't let me threaten other Leaf ninja. I think.)

Lesson 4: Seriously, be nice to
everyone.

PS: The Sage said the first and second bits. Sort of, anyway. They're both a little paraphrased simplified different. Still, he said something like that and he's the Sage so you should listen. Also, tell your friends to be nice to everyone.

o-o-o-o​

Nakamura Masae was the third-prettiest girl in her age group, but the second-best-dressed. (First best-dressed was, of course, Kazane, but it was hard to compete with Hyūga money and the fawning attention of expert couturiers seeking patronage by offering free samples to any clan member who didn't run away fast enough. Of course, Kazane was only the eighth best-looking girl in their age group, so Masae was still ahead. And Big Sis was totally wrong and stupid for saying that six- and seven-year-old girls all looked alike anyway and couldn't hardly be told apart from boys and so saying that one of you was better-looking was just silly.)

Today's outfit was a yellow silk dress with a shoulder-to-hip red satin sash. She wore wool under the dress for warmth, with silk underthings so the wool didn't chafe. The outfit was quite dashing, if she did say so herself. (And she did.)

Given the elegance, beauty, and cost of her outfit, it was something of a tragedy when she sat down and a spray of cold mud blasted across her calves with a soft pop! She shrieked and jumped to her feet, knocking the chair over in the process and jumping back from the charred bit of paper that was drifting down from one of the back legs.

The other students—rat bastards, all of them!—laughed at her panic. Many of them pointed, those rats.

Glued to the underside of her chair was a piece of paper that said:

Lesson 1: Be nice to everyone, powerful or not.

Lesson 2: Tell all your friends to be nice to everyone.

Lesson 3: The Will of Fire says no Leaf ninja can attack another Leaf ninja, probably. It would still be smart to be nice to everyone.


o-o-o-o​

One girl's hand was pierced by a needle carefully selected to be non-damaging.

One girl's expensive dress was ruined by mud.

A third shrieked and ran when a snake slithered out from inside her desk as she sat down. It had red and blue stripes like a striped adder, but the colors were subtly wrong and the patterns slightly different; it was a harmless mocker snake, not an insanely dangerous adder. Despite that, Mura was terrified of snakes and did her level best to cling to the ceiling despite not yet having learned wall-walking.

A fourth opened up her history book at the start of class...only to discover that the book had been replaced sometime between when she finished her reading last night and when she sat down this morning. The left-hand pages all said "I will be nice to everyone, always" and the right-hand pages all said "I will not let my friends be mean to anyone, ever".

o-o-o-o​

GLOMP!

Swooop! Spinnnnnnn!

"Eeeeeeeee!" The delighted squealing faded slowly, ending up a sad little grumble when he finally put her down.

"How was your day, squirt?"

"Good! I got a perfect on my quiz for Umino-sensei, and I was fourth in my class on the obstacle course, and we got to jump off the building, and they had yams for lunch at the chow hall and Tuesdays are meditation days not running days so I got to eat as many as I wanted!"

He grinned and rumpled her hair, then squatted down so he could poke her in the belly.

"Eep!" She hopped back, covering her middle with both arms.

"Wow, I can feel the yams sticking out!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"Can not a thousand times!"

"Can too to the bazillionth!"

"Can—" Wait, what was bigger than a bazillion?

"Ha! I win!"

"Hrmph." He had cheated. Somehow. She wasn't quite sure how, especially since there weren't any specific rules that she was aware of. Still, she was confident that it was his fault somehow. She just had to figure out how.

"How are things with the other kids?" he asked, clearly moving the conversation quickly in order to distract her. She would not let him. She would get him, oh yes. Still, maybe not now. It had been a great day, and she wanted to gush!

"Good!"

"No problems with that cheating eyeball stinker and her stinking friends?"

"No, I hardly saw them all day. I think Nakamura went home early, actually. That's what Ran's friend's cousin's sister said."

"Good." His smile widened and for just a moment she imagined that there was something cold and hard hiding around the edges of that smile, but then it was back to being his familiar shy and somewhat goofy look. His words became hurried, sounding like the steps of a fleeing burglar. "So, who is Ran's friend's cousin's sister?"

"Her name's Ariga Nao. She's a year older than me, but she's nice. She was wearing the neatest coat! It was red and it had tassels and...."
 
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Chapter 276: Slanderous Tokens

"In more detail, I think I should get out there and be active in this process. Mari, I'm not as smooth as you but I think I need to be involved in the process or people are going to think I'm your puppet. I'd like you and I to go talk to the Amori. I'm going to make them an offer and negotiate the terms, with you there to back me up and catch any mistakes I might make."

Mari shifted position on the couch and her face became a calm mask. "Interesting idea. What are you offering them?"

"I've been thinking about the Nara 'hours' system. It's a good way for their clan to allocate resources within itself, and it provides them economic leverage separate from their actual liquid wealth. It's also a form of soft-power intelligence gathering, since people who acquire these hours bring their problems to the Nara and thereby reveal important details of their lives. I want something similar for the Gōketsu."

Mari cocked her head, interest flickering across her face. "Huh. Interesting. What did you have in mind?"

"I don't have specifics yet," Hazō admitted. "I'm thinking we call them tokens and they could be traded for various things. Money, seals, favors, whatever. We give the Amori a bunch every month for two years, they give us their vote. It gives them flexibility in what they get—if they generally just want money, they can do that. If on one particular month they'd rather have some money and also some specific seals or other favors, they can do that."

"We'll need some specifics," she said. "It's not as clean as the hours economy, since 'favors' isn't defined and seals are already a thing you can buy with money."

"Not all of them," Hazō protested. "Some seals aren't necessarily on the market."

"Mostly because they are either a strategic military resource which we're only allowed to sell to the Tower, like skywalkers, or they aren't terribly interesting, like the Party Trick."

"People don't use Force Wall very much, so far as I've seen."

"It's invisible," Kagome-sensei grunted. "That's the whole point of why you use it."

Hazō sensed the argument was on a losing trail and quickly shifted ground. "Whatever. Even if it's only discounts on seal purchases, it's still valuable."

"Sure," Mari said, nodding. "We'll figure it out. And yes, having you there will probably help. It shows that the Amori are important enough that our Clan Head came in person. We can go over details in advance and set up some talking points."

"Great. Moving on: I also want to meet with Ino, Lord Akimichi, and Lord Sarutobi. Offer them condolences, ensure that we're all going the same way on the votes, and talk about some anti-Hyūga tactics."

"Hazō," Noburi said nervously. "What are you planning?"

"Mari was talking earlier about how good whisper campaigns are. Okay, let's do it. Start lots of rumours about the Hyūga—no one trusts them, their business partners are turning away, their reputation among the ninja took a plunge, no one is voting for them, especially the Inuzuka and Aburame, who apparently they are counting on. The minor clans are stockpiling anti-Byakugan seals. Anti-Hyūga resentment among the clanless and civilians is at all-times high. Naruto's insane productivity threatens to put them out of the economy, their xenophobia endangers Leaf international trade...whatever we can think of."

"Whisper campaigns need to be whispered to people who actually have relevance," Mari said. "When the word goes around that Hiashi is knocking boots with Anko, it's aimed at his wife. Marital jealousy is amazing at sucking up time and energy, thereby leaving the target unable to do other things. When I talk to the Inuzuka and delicately slip in the point that the only ones who recognized that Kyomaru's death is just as important as that of any of the other fallen, that word is aimed ultimately at Inuzuka Manaka, the Clan Head who undoubtedly demanded a full report the moment the door closed behind me. Who exactly are your whispers aimed at?"

Hazō shrugged helplessly. "Other Clan Heads, I guess. A lot of the Hyūga's power comes from their money. If people thought they were having money problems, they would have to spend effort disproving those."

Mari considered that for a moment. "I'm not totally convinced that it will help, but it certainly can't hurt. Let's go talk to clan heads and afterwards I'll show you how spreading humiliating rumors is done."





XP AWARD: 3

It is now 11pm on whatever day this is. (+5 XP if someone else puts together the complete list of dates for all outstanding entries in the timeline.)

You spent the afternoon slot talking to Asuma, Ino, and Chōza. Ino is heartbroken and has clearly been crying her eyes out. Chōza is better at hiding his feelings, but Mari was able to tell that's he's grieving in a huge way. Asuma is a generally calm person and is handling the loss of most of his friends as well as anyone. He isn't eager to be Hokage but he accepts that it's his duty and he's willing.

You spent the evening slot talking to the Amori. They need a couple days to think it over and they may come back to you with requested values for the tokens.

You've put some non-Yakuza feelers out about what businesses the Hyūga have outside of Leaf that meet your criteria. It will take days or a week to get news back, so you may not hear anything before the election.

You spread various rumors.

Vote time! What to do now? Reminder: You have 3 slots for tomorrow: morning, afternoon, evening. The following is a legitimate plan:

[x] This stuff is boring and I trust the QMs to be reasonable. Timeskip to after the election.​
  • Hazō does intelligent things related to decreasing the likelihood of Hiashi's election and increasing the chance of Asuma's election.

You may, if you wish, create a derived plan that adds up to two other bullet points of the form 'Hazō does intelligent things related to X'.

Or you can continue making write-in plans.

Voting ends on Wednesday, July 31, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
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Interlude: Chosen for the Grave, Part 16
Interlude: Chosen for the Grave, Part 16

hooooonnnkkkk!

Val and Oli were both good people and good friends; they really tried hard not to show how thoroughly disgusted they were by me voiding my nasal passages. I, in turn, was kind enough to turn away first, so at least they only had to hear it, not see it. I didn't even know snot could be that color.

"That's getting worse," Val noted calmly, not looking away from where he was slowly and carefully moving the glowing-white brilliance of the Healing Technique over my chest. He had originally been disgusted to find that the jutsu from the filler movies were included in his mental catalogue, since that meant that filler had some sort of reality in the world of Chosen for the Grave, but I was delighted; without it, it was likely that a few days ago I would have come down with a bad case of being dead.

"Thag 'oo, dogtar Vil," I snuffled. I blew my nose again (using a fresh handkerchief, since the old one was full), and managed to get clear enough to be comprehensible. "I'm glad you told me, because I would not have figured that out on my own."

Oli snorted in amusement.

"Has Tsunade had any success at all?" Val asked, manfully ignoring my snotty (hah!) comments.

I shook my head, and then stopped doing that because it made my headache so very much worse. "Nope. She's been doing the Delicate Illness Extraction Technique on me every morning for the last two weeks. The technique gets rid of most of the disease but not all of it. Ordinarily she would use what she extracts to make a complete cure, but whatever I caught must be chakra-enhanced and stronger than my immune system." I broke off, covering my mouth as a coughing fit wracked my body. "She did say that it wasn't contagious, so that's good."

Val lowered his hand, allowing the white healing chakra to fade from around it. "That's the best I can do," he said apologetically.

I took a deep careful breath and shifted a bit. "It's a lot better, thanks." It was true; the headache was down to a mild throbbing, my chest was relatively clear, and my joints weren't aching. It would only last ten or twelve hours; whatever I had was wildly aggressive. Still, for the time being it was a relief.

"For the record, Val's Medical Ninjutsu skill is at ninety-four, just like all his other jutsu," Oli said. "Tsunade's is eighty-seven."

"I still cannot believe you have literally all the jutsu at ninety-four," I groused. "Do you even know how many XP that represents? It's insane. Why didn't I get that many XP?"

Val shrugged. "Poor life choices?"

"Har de har."

He smiled for a moment, then shifted uncomfortably. "There...is one more thing we could try," he said slowly.

I raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

He sighed. "Well...I've got the filler techniques along with everything else. That suggests that filler has some sort of reality here. If that's true, it's possible that the Stone of Gelel exists in this world."

"Stone of Gelel...I vaguely remember the name from Dreaming of Sunshine," I said, frowning. "Something about castles that move around and people invading from another continent?"

Val shuddered. "There was—is, hopefully—a vein of ore that was discovered by the ancestors of someone named Temujin. The royal blood of his clan could forge the ore into stones and implant those stones into people's bodies. Anyone who got a stone implanted in them gained enormous regenerative powers, among other things. It might be enough to get rid of this virus that's got you."

I considered that. "So, what you're saying is that my life depends on the existence of something objectively stupid which will make reality weirder and more annoying?"

"Pretty much."

"I find myself conflicted."

"Where was this ore?" Oli asked. The three of us tended to take turns being the grown-up who kept the others on track. Apparently today it was his turn.

"I'm not sure," Val said regretfully. "Somewhere in Wind Country. To the north, I think. It should be noted that there is a key to the mine, and if the key is destroyed then the vein will blow up and is apparently capable of destroying half the continent."

"Here's a thought: Let's not destroy the key."

"'North end of Wind Country' is better than nothing, but that's still a lot of territory," Oli noted, continuing his self-appointed role of on-track-keeper. "It's also another country, which brings up some geopolitical concerns. Val, you mentioned that getting one of the stones implanted in you gives you 'regeneration, among other things'. Are any of those other things weaponizable?"

Val snorted. "It's filler. It does whatever the plot demands." He looked up for a moment, riffling back through the pages of memory. "Let's see...as I recall, it lets you shoot lightning bolts, and sound blasts, and create illusions, and turn into a giant werewolf."

"But also healing?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the prize even as I coughed up some blood-flecked crap.

Val nodded, struggling not to show the sadness and pity he was so clearly feeling. "But also healing."

"Right. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go find this objectively stupid and annoying stuff."

o-o-o-o​

"Absolutely not," Jiraiya said.

"But—!"

"I have been knocking around this world for fifty years, and I've never heard crap about this stone, or even the word 'Gelel'," he said firmly. "I'm a friggin' spymaster. It's literally my job to know what's going on in the world. This is bullshit, plain and simple. Even if it wasn't, we are not about to let you lot go stomping around in a foreign nation, even an allied one."

"But it's the only cha—"

Hiruzen shifted slightly in his chair and we all shut up.

"Let's assume for the moment that it exists," he said. He held up a hand to silence Jiraiya. "For the sake of discussion. I'm not convinced that it does, or even that it's likely that it does, but let's consider it. Leaf gaining access to it is problematic, since it's on the Kazekage's land. If he knows about it then the mine is a major strategic asset and has been so closely guarded that not a whisper of a hint has escaped to the wider world, meaning he's quite willing to kill anyone who finds out about its existence. If he doesn't know about it then us accessing it would almost certainly alert him to its presence, therefore granting Sand an enormous military advantage that would render Leaf weaker in comparison."

"You're allied with Sand," Oli pointed out. "Isn't it a good thing if they get stronger?"

Hiruzen rocked his hand back and forth. "Yes and no. Sand is our ally, but alliances between ninja villages are always fraught. Leaf is in the center of the continent, giving it control of most trade routes, and it contains the largest percentage of arable farmland on this continent. Every other nation would love nothing more than to take control of some or all of Fire. We survive because we are home to several of the strongest ninja in the world, making others slightly reluctant to attack us. That gives us just enough maneuvering room that we can use careful politicking to maintain a political and military balance that ensures no nation, especially us, has enough enemies to render them a safe target, nor enough friends to render them a safe conqueror. 'Enough enemies' and 'enough friends' are measured in terms of total military power, so Sand abruptly and substantially increasing its strength would be a problem."

"Crab bucket," I muttered to myself.

"The vein is a doomsday clock," Oli pointed out. "If the key is ever broken, even by accident, then half the continent goes boom. There's a way to safely destroy the vein, although from what Val says, it requires someone of the royal blood of Temujin's clan."

"This would be the Temujin that you know nothing about aside from the name?" Jiraiya asked snidely. "That Temujin?"

"Jiraiya."

The man in question glowered at his teacher's one-word chastisement, but he shut up.

"Just to confirm," Val said, "the problem is that if the vein exists then letting Sand know about it would make them more powerful than Leaf, yes?"

"Exactly."

"Would it help keep things balanced if I gave Leaf the Flying Thunder God Technique?"

The privacy seals on the Hokage's office blocked off all sound from outside the room and acted like sound-dampening panels on the inside, so words and noises didn't fill the space the way the brain expected. That didn't matter at the moment, since there literally was not a sound to hear: all of us had frozen in place and caught our breath at Val's words. The Flying Thunder God Technique was the pinnacle of utility jutsu: Full teleportation. It allowed the user to set up a series of 'marks' ahead of time and then instantly teleport themselves and/or anything they were carrying (or chakra-linked with) to one of the marks. It had been invented by the Second Hokage, Senju Tobirama, and popularized by the Fourth, Namikaze Minato, before Minato's heroic self-sacrificing death.

"You aren't a sealmaster," Jiraiya said. "You can't draw or infuse the seals that Minny used for his targets, and the ones he left behind are useless to anyone not him." He glanced at me. "And you can't make them for him. Chakra knows its own; only the person who infused the seals can teleport to them."

"Shadow clones also work as targets," Val said simply.

All of us blinked as the tactical possibilities flamencoed in front of us.

"Let me see what I can do," Hiruzen said.
 
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Chapter 277: The Election

11:45pm, Tuesday, January 12, 1069 AS

"Are you sure you want to do this now, Keiko?" Hazō asked nervously. "It's late, and you've got to be tired."

His sister shrugged. "It is morning on the Seventh Path. I napped this afternoon so that I would be fresh for the meeting, and I just now dunked myself in the cold-water tub. I assure you that I am fully awake."

"Maybe have some more tea, just to be sure?" Noburi said, holding out the pot nervously.

"Put that away," Kagome-sensei said, shoving the offending vessel aside. "Keiko, go pee. Last thing you need at an important meeting is to have to pee."

Hazō cringed, but Keiko took it in stride. "Thank you, Kagome. I have relieved myself already."

"Do you want to go over the script one more time?" Mari asked. "You remember all the decision points?" It said something about the situation that the clan's social expert was questioning, even indirectly, the memory of the most brilliant person any of them knew.

Keiko shook her head. "I remember it clearly. I open with 'Thank you for seeing me, Polemarch. I apologize, but I come with bad news: My supplier for the Pantokrator's Judging Eyes is no longer able to provide them, at least for the foreseeable future. They wish to end the deal on the most positive note possible; to that end they are doubling the next order, offering it for free, and refunding last month's payment. They have not foreclosed the option of resuming trade in future but it is likely to be months or possibly even years before that is feasible, if it ever is.' I wait for his reaction and then shift into either the economics node, the politics node, or the marital-explanations node as appropriate. Taking the possibilities in order, if we move to the economics node, I open with—"

Mari laughed. "Sounds like you have it down cold. I should have known you would."

"You promise that you'll be back no later than tomorrow night, right?" Hazō asked. "And that you'll immediately notify us, in person, of what happened?"

"Why, Hazō. Did I not know better, I might suspect you doubted my word."

"No! No, it's not that. I'm just really scared for you, Keiko. You're my sister. Of course I'm going to worry about you."

That earned him a tiny, rather sad smile. "Thank you, Hazō. Your concern is appreciated, although an inefficient use of resources. You—all of you—have been tremendously helpful to me in building the concept map that will provide me my best chance for navigating this negotiation without excessive consequence. You should not waste further emotional energy on me, instead devoting it to more useful projects over which you might actually exert some influence."

Noburi took four long steps back so that he was well away when he extended his arms and mimed a quick, gentle hug. "Knock 'em dead, sis. You'll do great."

Keiko blinked at the pantomime of affection, apparently uncertain how to take it. "Thank you, Noburi. I shall endeavor to live up to your confidence in me." She looked around the group, nodding to each person in turn. "Noburi. Hazō. Kagome. Mari-sensei. Akane. I am very grateful to all of you, and I have enjoyed being your friend, teammate, and sister. I expect to see you again soon but, in case I do not, I wish you great success in all things. I have left my will with—"

"None of that!" Mari snapped. "You go have your meeting and then get your butt back here, missy! I want a detailed report. Chop-chop!"

Keiko snorted. "Very well. Goodbye, all. I shall see you soon." She turned to Pandā, who was curled up in an armchair, waiting patiently as he listened in fascination to the conversation. "I am ready."

The young pangolin waved a friendly wave of one massively-clawed hand. "Bye, everyone! We'll see you soon!"

He vanished, and Keiko vanished with him.

o-o-o-o​

The day before: 7pm Tuesday, January 11, 1069 AS

"I am very glad you came," Regent Uchiha Sadao said, bowing low as soon as Hazō was properly settled in front of the tea table and the maids had scurried out. "The timing is most fortuitous, as I had intended to reach out tomorrow."

"Oh?" Hazō said, nailing a polite smile onto his face and freezing it there. The pit in his stomach had become bottomless; the regret and distress on Regent Sadao's face was a clear suggestion that the deal was about to go toes-up, just as Hazō had feared.

"I was thinking about what you said when you got back with the new Uchiha deal, and I'm worried," Hazō had said. "They disrespected you by keeping you waiting, they stripped out the most important part of the deal...it seems like something might be going south. I think you should go back and check in with them, and I should go with you this time."

And so here they were. And something was very clearly about to go south.

"Indeed," Uchiha said. "I wished to personally inform you of the good news: We release you of your obligations to us."

Hazō and Mari exchanged glances.

"Excuse me?" Hazō asked.

"The bargain that we had made, under which you would be burdened with the need to care for those who could contribute nothing of value in return? We are now in a position to release you from the deal, even as we step back ourselves.

"It is a victory for both sides, of course. The reports about you tell tales of how much you value your friends and family, how far you will go to protect them. Imagine the shame we suffered at needing to send those of our blood to another clan." He shook his head sadly. "Tremendous shame. Fortunately, the Uchiha have recently had a turn in our fortunes and are therefore able to care for our own once again. We thank you most profusely for your generosity and will remember it in all our future dealings. As token of our appreciation, we would like to offer you this." He pulled an elegant vellum scroll tied with a red satin ribbon from his sleeve and offered it to Hazō with both hands, bowing as he did.

Hazō took the scroll quickly so that Uchiha could straighten up again. He slid the ribbon off and unrolled it, frowning as he read.

"What is this, please?" he asked.

"The right for you and your immediate family to march with the Uchiha in the next Founder's Day Parade," Uchiha explained. "It is a tremendous honor. We march second, immediately behind the Senju...which recently is just an effigy that the foremost Uchiha carries on a pole held out in front, so really we march first."

"I...see," Hazō said. He rolled the scroll up, slipped the ribbon back on, and tucked it away in his sleeve. "That is very kind of you, Regent." He bowed, deeply but not too deeply. Straightening up, he realized that Sadao had carefully cut him off from the most important topic, and Hazō had no idea how to get back to it without seeming clumsy. He glanced helplessly at Mari.

"You are very generous, Regent," Mari said, picking up the cue with easy grace. "I'm so glad that your fortunes have reversed themselves. May I ask what happened?"

"We recently disposed of a property that had been weighing on us," Uchiha said. "The price was quite generous and the purchaser was able to commit to cash payment. We will be finalizing the deal over dinner on Thursday, after the Council meeting."

"That's wonderful!" She smiled. "I'm so happy for you." She took a final sip of her tea and set her cup down. "I thank you profusely for your generous gift. If you'll allow it, we will take it home and show it to the rest of the family?"

"Of course!" Uchiha said, bowing deeply and then standing to usher the two ninja out.

It took five minutes to get their shoes and winter clothes on, ten to graciously refuse the last-minute mandatory offers of tea and sweets, and another ten to finish saying their formal goodbyes. Finally, they were outside the Uchiha Clan compound, leaning into the teeth of the storm that was currently howling through the streets of Leaf and driving everyone inside. Hazō ignored the weather and leaned close to Mari so she could hear him over the wind.

"They're voting for Hyūga, right?" he half-shouted.

"Sure as sunrise," she half-shouted back.

Hazō nodded, his lips thinning down into a harsh line. He waved for her to follow and then leaped for the rooftops.

o-o-o-o​

Aito hurried into the receiving room, desperately hoping that his unexpected guests were not already in a rage. Why did two ninja—two noble ninja at that!—have to come knocking the one night when his butler, Kyō, was ill and his tasks being overseen by his worthless son, Masoru? Kyō would have known to tell the guests that the master would be right down, but Masoru had been suicidally stupid enough to tell them that Aito had already gone to bed and could they please come back later? Sure, the boy was fresh in from the country and had never interacted with ninja before, but surely the only reason he wasn't dead right now was that the Sage looked after fools and drunks.

"Good evening!" Aito said, the moment his foot broke the plane of the entryway. "Good evening, thank you for honoring my miserable home with the light of your presence, Lord and Lady Gōketsu. I abase myself in apology for my butler's impertinence and offer whatever recompense you consider fitting." He dropped immediately to both knees, head bowed.

There was a long pause. After a moment Aito dared to tip his head just enough that he could peek up and see what his guests were doing.

Mostly, they were staring at one another in confusion. Lord Gōketsu was rubbing his neck in what would have been a gesture of embarrassment for a civilian, but doubtless meant something else for ninja.

A pale hand slipped under Aito's arm and gently guided him back to his feet. He couldn't help but notice that there were callouses and scars on the hand that more belonged on a dockyard bouncer than a noble lady.

"Please, stand," Lady Gōketsu said, her voice soft. "There's nothing to forgive; your boy was perfectly polite. He informed us that you had retired and asked if he should wake you. It is we who should be apologizing, for coming so late."

"She's right," Lord Gōketsu said. "I apologize for disturbing you at such a late hour." In an action that Aito knew no one would ever believe, Lord Gōketsu bowed! Bowed to him, Aito, a fallen hill daimyo who today made his money from nut flour!

"Uh...thank you? Thank you both. Um. Yes." He found himself flailing, unsure of what protocol required at this point. "May I...uh...did Masoru offer you tea?"

Lord Gōketsu smiled. "He did, thank you. I believe it's on the way. In the meantime, would you please sit with us?" He gestured towards one of the couches that flanked the fireplace, settling himself on the facing one as he did.

Aito glanced at the fireplace; it was crackling merrily, despite having been extinguished an hour ago when Aito went to bed. He paled slightly when he saw a trace of soot on Lady Gōketsu's sleeve. Had she lit the fireplace herself?! Would she feel the need to kill him in order to hide her shame at lowering herself thus?

Shakily, he dropped onto the sofa and sat bolt upright, his fingers tangled together nervously. "How may I help you, My Lord?"

Lord Gōketsu reached into his pouch and pulled out a piece of paper with one of those fancy designs on it, the ones that ninja used to kill people. Aito flinched, but it didn't explode. Instead, a writer's lap desk appeared out of nowhere. Lord Gōketsu tucked the paper absently back into his pouch and opened the desk.

"Forgive me if I am intrusive," he said, not looking up as he rifled through the papers inside, "but I understand that you are lord of a small fief near the southern end of the Fire/River border? I saw references to it when I was doing research on the tax codes."

"I am, My Lord, if it please you. It's quite small, and not very productive. We've actually had to abandon much of the land, which is difficult come tax time. We still owe the same regardless of if the land is in use, you see." He nearly bit his tongue at his own stupidity. "Which is very sensible, of course! Makes perfect sense that a man should pay taxes on all his property. Can't be going the other way or people would just get lazy."

"Part of your lands includes an iron mine, yes?"

"...Yes? It's quite old and badly infested with rockworms, I'm afraid. Not safe for miners anymore. Are you looking to purchase iron, My Lord?"

Lord Gōketsu flowed forward off the couch, making Aito flinch. He felt his breath catch when the boy—the man!—took a step forward and extended both hands to offer the lap desk to Aito. It left him in a position that looked very much like a servant bowing as he offered his lord a tray.

"This is a very approximate map that I found in with the tax code," Hazō said. "I'm not sure if it was misfiled or if it was part of an old audit or what. Could you show me if and where it's inaccurate?"

Aito took the desk with shaking fingers; his nervousness at the Lord's subservient posture (What game was he playing and how was Aito expected to respond?) was replaced with nervousness at the fact that the ninja was now looming over his shoulder. And the fact that Aito had no idea what was happening. Was this an official audit? A shakedown? What was going on?

"W-we, uh, we, I mean, my lands, they—"

"Hazō," Lady Gōketsu said quietly. "You're rushing. You haven't told Mr. Aito why we're here." Her fingers flicked in what was undoubtedly some sort of telepathic jutsu—no ninja would bother with something as primitive as hunter hand-talk—and she cocked her head inquisitively. It was...it was almost like...if his wife had looked at him like that, Aito would have understood it to mean 'what the hell are you doing, you old fool?' but that couldn't possibly be the case here. Could it?

Lord Gōketsu shook his head in (hopefully self-directed?) annoyance. "Argh. Damnit." He straightened and stepped back, offering Aito a polite bow. "Mr. Aito, I am interested in purchasing a portion of your ancestral lands, if you're willing. If you're not, that's fine. I will apologize for waking you up and we'll leave you alone. If you're at least willing to hear me out, I think I can offer a good price."

Aito blinked. "Uh...of course. Yes, please go on. As you wish, My Lord."

Lord Gōketsu eyed him for a moment with an expression that might have been suspicious, but then he shook it off. He swung around and sat down on the couch beside Aito, pointing at the crude tax map on the lap desk in front of him. Alongside it were half a dozen other fragments of maps that showed different portions of Aito's lands and the surrounding area. Some of them were casual scribbles, some of them were the elegant penmanship of the Daimyo's office that used the official icons for 'hill' and 'forest' and such.

"Can you show me which of these are accurate?" Lord Gōketsu asked again.

"Um...well...it goes like this...." Quickly, he sketched and pointed and explained. Lord Gōketsu took no notes, although his fingers twitched as though he were writing them. Doubtless a mnemonic device.

"So, to summarize," Lord Gōketsu said at last, "your property is a set of hills in between where the Shirokawa splits, here, and where the two branches cross into the Land of Rivers, here and here. Your southern border is defined by this river branch, which flows through this valley, drains into this lake, and then overflows down here and out of your property into River. The mine is on the ridgeline to the north of the lake. There's two more valleys here and here, and then the northern border of your property is defined as the southern edge of this canyon that the river drops into. Right?"

"Yes, My Lord."

"How big is the lake?"

"It's wide but shallow, My Lord. Maybe half a mile wide, not more than five or six feet deep in most places."

Lord Gōketsu clapped his hands, looking happy. Aito winced at the noise but felt his spirits lift at the expression.

"Brilliant. Okay, I want to buy everything from the southern edge up to and including the valley north of the mine."

"My Lord...I mean no disrespect, My Lord, and of course it's no issue for you yourself, but I would be remiss not to say that the area you mention is very dangerous for anyone you might want to have work the land. The lake water is toxic from all the sickweed growing on the bottom, and it's full of horrorfish and water bugs. The mine has become infested with rockworm, so it's not safe for any civilian, meaning that there's no way to earn on it. The valley is waist-deep with sickvine, tanglethorn, and bloodbriar. Not to mention the varmints that live in it. No one's farmed it since my grandfather's day, My Lord. It's not good for anything."

Lord Gōketsu actually grinned. "Perfect. Couldn't be better. Would this be an acceptable offer?" He scribbled a number on some paper and turned it towards Aito.

The barely-a-hill-daimyo glanced at the paper and paled. "M-M-My Lord, yes, I mean, this is...yes, yes, this would be fine. More than fine. Uh...it's just..."

"Problem?"

Aito caught himself wringing his hands and forced himself to stop. "My Lord, I'm not sure I'm allowed to sell land! No one has ever wanted to buy it from me or my father or my father's father. Your offer is very generous and I'd happily take it, but I can't go afoul of the law, My Lord!"

"Assuming that it could be done within the law, would you agree?"

"Absolutely! I'd sell it with a song in my heart, My Lord. All my money comes from the mills and the smithy in the northernmost valley, and I've just now come to Leaf to try to set up contracts for the nut flour. The lake and the mine and the other valley are nothing but an anchor around my neck, My Lord."

"Great. One sec." Lord Gōketsu took the writing desk back and dipped his brush, then swirled it across the page in hurried strokes that were still quite elegant. Ah, right. Lord Jiraiya had stated that the boy—the man!—was a sealmaster.

"I'm very sorry about your loss, My Lord," Aito said hesitantly. "Lord Jiraiya was a great man. I never had the honor of meeting him, but I grew up on the tales of his adventures. Saved Leaf several times."

Lord Gōketsu cleared his throat, not looking up from what he was writing until he finished and put his brush down. He cleared his throat again before saying, "Thank you." He extended the document he had just produced.

Aito skimmed through it. Description and boundaries of the land...acknowledgement of expected condition...the stated price...acknowledgement that this was a promissory note and not enforceable until brought into compliance with all laws and regulations of the Village Hidden in the Leaves...Lord Gōketsu's signature. Yes, all as expected. Aito took the brush and added his own signature.

Lord Gōketsu took the paper and smiled. "Brilliant. Thank you. Let me make a second copy for you." He took the brush back and began producing a second, eerily identical, document.

o-o-o-o​

"What was that all about?" Mari demanded as soon as they were outside, hunching down into her coat as they started the long walk home.

"I don't like the feel of this," Hazō said. "You made a good deal with the Uchiha that would have gotten them out of their current jam. Then they gut the deal and replace it with a lesser one. Then they decide to drop out of that one, but we almost didn't find out about it because they weren't going to tell us until the vote. Clearly, Hyūga got to them. What if he got to other people too?"

The redhead's face pinched as though she'd eaten something sour. "Okay. And the business with the land...?"

"If things go badly, it's a subterranean fortress surrounded by natural defenses, with a river nearby that we can run across in order to escape into another country without leaving any tracks on the way." He chuckled. "If things go well, it's land that we can clear and make money on, especially after we blow a hole in the retaining wall that keeps that lake in. We just need to be careful to put the hole on the southern side and we'll suddenly have an extra half-mile of land that we can figure out something for."

Mari laughed.

o-o-o-o​

9am, Thursday, January 14, 1069 AS

Shikego rapped her fist on the table. "In service to the Leaf, and to our glorious nation, and to the Will of Fire, I, Regent Nara Shikego, call this meeting to order. Let us all speak truthfully and serve loyally."

"Let us all speak truthfully and serve loyally," chorused the Clan Heads, following Nara's usage of the full formal protocols that in theory were to be followed before every Clan Council meeting but in practice rarely were. Hazō carefully kept his mouth shut; he was the nominal Head of Clan Gōketsu, but at the ripe old age of fourteen he was still underage and therefore not allowed to speak in Council. He had a seat against the wall so that he could learn, not so that he could participate.

"The sole order of business today shall be to elect a new Hokage," Nara said. "Will the candidates please stand and—"

"Your pardon, Regent," Hyūga interjected. "I should like to address a procedural issue."

Nara looked around the table at the full array of seventeen occupied seats and then looked at Hyūga. In his chair against the wall behind her, Shikamaru suddenly blanched.

"The chair recognizes Lord Hyūga's issue," Nara said.

"Thank you, Regent." Hyūga turned to look at Naruto. "Before anything else, I wish to first offer respect to our heroic jinchūriki, Uzumaki Naruto. Young man, you have gone through tragedy upon tragedy these last months. The loss of the Third was a blow to all of us, yet especially so for you. He was a father-figure to us all, but he was a father to you. Likewise, Jiraiya's loss. I disagreed with Jiraiya on many things, but he was one of the most powerful ninja ever born and fanatically loyal to the Leaf. He also did all that he could to raise you and prepare you for the role of Hokage that I feel certain you will someday do brilliantly at. I applaud him for that.

"Beyond the losses of your only real family, you also endured months of starvation, unconsciousness, and torture. Your ability to come through that sane"—he chuckled—"well, as sane as any of us...your ability to still be functional is a testament to your determination."

"Thank you," Naruto said cautiously.

"With that said, I hope you will forgive me if I respectfully ask you one question," Hyūga continued. "I'm unclear on how you can legally be seated at this table?"

"Hiashi, what the fuck are you doing?" Tsunade demanded. "Stop wasting time. He's the head of Clan Uzumaki. He's been voting the clan since he graduated the Academy."

"He is the sole surviving member of Uzumaki, yes. When he attains his majority later this year then he will become the Clan Head. Until then, he is not eligible to vote for his clan and must have a regent, as do Lords and Lady Nara, Yamanaka, Uchiha, and Gōketsu."

"There's no one else in his clan to be regent," Minami said. "He's always served as his own Clan Head."

"Oh, you son of a bitch," Naruto murmured, soft enough that he probably hadn't meant to speak aloud yet loud enough to be clearly audible. "Hiashi, I've been voting at this table since I was twelve. Are you seriously going to...yes, of course you are. You know you can't win fairly, so you need to cheat."

Hyūga shook his head regretfully. "Naruto, I understand that you are upset right now. I remember when I lost my father—the grief and anger came and went without warning. It made it very difficult to fulfill my duties, but I struggled on. I'm sure that you will manage as well, given enough time to heal."

"Heal? I'm already healed, jerkwad."

"Hiashi," Tsunade said warningly. "Do you really think it's a good idea to push this? Now? In front of me?"

Hyūga raised an impeccable eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that we should choose to ignore legal procedure during a critical vote that will determine the future of Leaf? With respect, I prefer a more measured approach. That casual attitude is rarely a good way to achieve one's goals."

o-o-o-o​

Four days ago, January 10, 4pm

Under Tsunade's hands, the girl's chakra flickered and guttered. Her lungs were gasping and chunky, filled with what felt like mud. Her body was fire, burning itself to ash in a desperate attempt to drive off the the laughing horror of evil that coursed through her veins and ignored Tsunade's best efforts.

The 'greatest medic-nin in the world' snarled at her own uselessness and reached deeper into her soul, pulling forth the depth of power that was half gift of her grandfather's blood and half her own by right of toil and sweat. She glided it into the girl's blood and breath and chakra, lacing it through all the channels of her body and infusing every ounce of her flesh. She glided it in, ensured that it was as deep as possible...and then she flared it like the sun, burning everything it touched in a desperate effort to kill the evil in one agonizing surge, instead of allowing it to flee to other parts of the body, only to lick its wounds and come back stronger than before.

The girl screamed, powerful drugs and numbing jutsu insufficient to keep her insensate and unaware before the agony that was Tsunade's last-ditch attempt to save her life.

Tsunade ground her teeth, forcing herself to ignore the heartrending sound and to keep scorching the girl's body from the inside. She could feel the wound spirits fleeing before the pain, but she could also feel tissues dying at her touch, the life-giving chakra of the girl's soul recoiling and boiling as the healer's (ha!) chakra rendered its flow turbulent and disconnected.

Tsunade felt the chakra patch that she was using to hold her own lung together shiver and start to unravel as she turned more of her attention away from maintaining her own body and onto maintaining the girl's. With a mental growl she pushed the chakra roughly back into place, nailed it to the lung with quick and dirty spikes, and went back to work. This was what most medics never knew; the feeling of linking your own life to a patient's and carrying them on your metaphysical back, refusing to allow their soul to stumble or fall no matter the cost.

Finally, it was over. There was no more that could be done without actually killing the girl. Tsunade withdrew her chakra delicately, smoothing the flow of the patient's chakra as well as she could on the way out. She left a thread of medical chakra laced through the body, its ends tied off into a loop so that it would not fade as quickly. The knot was small, smaller than could be managed by any other medic, but it would scrape against the girl's own chakra coils until the native chakra attacked and destroyed the invader. The battle would be painful and damaging, but hopefully the healing it would provide in the meantime would be worth the cost.

Tsunade opened her eyes and straightened with a sigh, the green glow fading from her hands as the girl collapsed back into blissful unconsciousness. She was still curled in pain around the shattered ribs and broken pelvis that had put her on the table. One of the civilian auxiliaries had aligned the bones and packed the wound with loam rich from the fertile fields of Leaf before binding it closed. One of the junior medics had stitched the major bones with threads of chakra that would hold them together until the body could heal them, located the fragments and slivers that could not be reattached and softened them so they would not cause too much damage, and put a chakra patch on the perforated intestine. Tsunade had undone the patch in order to pull the leaked blood out of the surrounding tissue and back into the intestine for elimination, then replaced the patch. And then she had battled the wound spirits that had set in; had she seen the girl a week ago, when she first arrived, perhaps the spirits would not have embedded themselves so deeply. Perhaps the girl could have been saved.

She snarled and turned for the door, shoving it out of the way and limping into the hall with a thunderous expression that sent doctors and auxiliaries skittering for safety. She turned for the next room, the next patient...and stopped.

"What are
you doing here?" she demanded curtly.

"Looking for you," Hiashi said calmly, giving her a respectful nod and not moving from where he sat. "Please, finish your rounds. I have cleared my day and will wait on your convenience."

"'My convenience', huh?" She glanced at the chart by the next room; the patient was in condition four, only slightly hurt and in no danger. It was the last room and the last patient for the day. After this, there was nothing to do but paperwork.

"Fine," she said. "Wait here."

She limped into the room and ran a quick scan across the young genin who had come back from his mission with a torn tendon earned while running from a balehound pack. It was the work of a moment to stitch the ends back together with chakra threads, growl at him about staying off it for a few days, and limp back out.

"Come along."

She led him to her office, deep in the core of the hospital, and hurled herself at her chair as though it had personally offended her. The insanely tough wood, a gift from her grandfather and formed to the precise dimensions of her body without hint of toolwork, stalwartly ignored the indignity.

"Sit."

Hiashi settled into her visitor chair calmly, his hands resting on his knees. "I'm sorry about the girl."

She frowned. "What?"

"She screamed despite the drugs. That happens only with clumsy medics or desperate measures, and you are not clumsy. I know how you hate losing patients, especially children."

"She didn't fucking die, asshole."

Hiashi nodded, granting the point. "Patients very rarely die under your hands, Tsunade. I have seen you hold together patients with chest wounds big enough to put my fist in. The prognosis for such people is still not good."

Tsunade snorted. "And they say I've got a shit-lousy bedside manner. What the fuck do you want, Hiashi? Why are you here?" She unconsciously picked up the calligraphy brush that lurked on her desk, whispering of hours of paperwork to come (starting with charges against the girl's attacker, and wouldn't that be fun?), and twirled it between her fingers in one of the many, many dexterity drills that Sensei had taught her in the long-ago when the world was simple. Back before her office became a waypoint for all these so-important people and their maniacal plans for world conquest.

"I want your vote in the election, and I'm willing to give whatever it takes to get it."

The brush stopped, trapped between thumb and forefinger, as Tsunade goggled. "You're kidding, right?"

"No. Nor would I be a bad choice for Hokage, and you know it. As much as you care about saving your patients, I care about Leaf. We are at a crossroads, Tsunade. Every Kage is dead except for that pissant in Mist. Most of the jōnin of Leaf and Mist are dead. Sand, our staunchest ally, has lost their Kage,
all of their jōnin, most of their senior chūnin, and their jinchūriki. Meanwhile, our enemies in Lightning and Earth are virtually untouched. Yes, they lost their Kage, but they still have essentially all their jōnin and chūnin, plus two jinchūriki apiece. They have wanted our lands since the dawn of time. How long will it be before they settle their power struggles and go forth for conquest?"

"And you think
you can single-handedly scare them off?" She laughed, grim and hard, and the brush began its dance once more.

Hiashi, normally so sensitive and prideful, didn't so much as frown. Instead, he shook his head and the corner of his mouth twitched in self-deprecating humor...and a trace of sadness.

"No," he said. "No, I am not nearly strong enough. Strongest jōnin in Leaf aside from you and Naruto, yes. Not nearly strong enough to frighten away attackers, the way Jiraiya could have. I had many, many,
many issues with Jiraiya—for starters, I thought the way he seized power was unconscionable, and I thought his policies were naïve and likely to cause disaster in the long term. Nonetheless, I wish he were here. You and I are hurt and Naruto's trauma may or may not affect his combat capacity. Asuma is powerful and his Summoning contract is an enormous advantage. Combine it with that Gōketsu barrel-bearer and it will go a long way if the time comes to defend the walls of Leaf. It's still not enough, and you know it."

"If we're so screwed, why the fuck should I support you? You're an asshole."

"Perhaps," he said with a nod. "You and I have never gotten along, that's true. Despite that, I'd like to think we both acknowledge truth about each other: You are a brilliant, caring woman"—he smiled for a moment—"somewhere, way down deep under that grouchy exterior. You care about everyone, ninja and civilian alike, and it hurts you to see people injured, sick, or dying. It hurts that you can't do more." He leaned back, one hand turned up in acknowledgement of truth. "At the same time, I am a powerful warrior, a skilled diplomat, a master businessman, and the greatest intelligence gatherer alive."

She snorted. "Fuck you. Jiraiya was better."

His white-eyed stare became disapproving and he tutted at her. "At managing a spy network? Perhaps, although mine is more than adequate. Still. You are a woman of painful honesty and bluntness, Tsunade. Set aside your prejudice and tell me that you truly believe Jiraiya was better at gathering the raw intelligence without which an analyst is crippled."

The brush exploded as her fist clenched in anger. A splinter shot towards Hiashi, only to be caught between thumb and forefinger and casually flicked aside.

"That is not an answer, Tsunade."

Her eyes narrowed. "Fine," she ground out. "Yes, no one is better with the Byakugan than you, and the Byakugan is fucking cheating bullshit when it comes to intelligence gathering. Happy?"

"Very. Thank you."

She leaned back in her chair, tossing the remains of the brush on the desk and putting her feet up beside them. "So. I'm a brilliant medic and you're a paragon of everything else. Aren't we the pair?"

"Indeed. The moral authority you command in Leaf is unrivaled. As is the economic and military power that I command."

"Oh, I dunno about that. The other Founding Clans, especially the Ino-Shika-Chō, might have a comment or two on the subject. Sage's boils, even the Gōketsu seem to be coming along nicely in terms of money and punching." Honestly, what was it with people wanting to cash in on her image lately?

He dismissed the words with the casual wave of someone batting away an irritating fly. "No other Founding Clan can match the Hyūga, and even most pairs would struggle. As to those upstart traitors...well."

Her eyes narrowed. "Be careful, Hiashi. Those 'upstart traitors' were Jiraiya's clan."

"'Upstart' or 'traitor': Which of those words is undeserved?"

She considered that for a moment, jaw working as she chewed the thought. "You know, for a 'master diplomat', you really fucking piss me off."

"Truth? Well, for a woman who has lived her life at the highest levels of society, you are crude and overbearing. Now that we have traded barbs, shall we return to the actual topic?"

"I thought 'how much Hiashi pisses me off' pretty much
was the topic."

"No. The topic is which is more important to you: preventing me from becoming Hokage, or literally anything the Hyūga can provide." He paused, his head cocked as he considered her. "Think about it, Tsunade. One of Jiraiya's many good qualities—yes, I said many, try not to faint—was that he appreciated the efforts of those who helped him and provided open-ended rewards to those who deserved it. I'm delighted to follow his example in this. Perhaps you would like me to provide vast funding for Kabuto's medical research. Or set up medical clinics in every major town. Or prioritize active recruitment into the medical corps, both for ninja and civilian auxiliaries."

"'Civilian', huh? It's just adorable how much you're trying to kiss my ass—when you're feeling polite you usually say 'softfoot', and most of the time you say 'mudbag'."

"It's true, I am catering to your delicate sensibilities. Civilians are less than us, as is the work they do. Still, they are important to you. I care about the youngest of my clan-children and therefore I show interest when they ramble about their dreams and I compliment them on their scribble drawings. Likewise, I care about who you are and what we could achieve together, and therefore I am attempting to see the world through your eyes and offer respect to the things you care about."

"Congratulations, Hiashi. Most people aren't willing to be that fucking condescending to me, because they know perfectly well that I'll punch them into the fucking sky if they cross a line, and the line moves around depending on just how shitty my day has been." She paused. "For the record, today has been
really shitty."

He growled in impatience and leaned forward. "Tsunade,
stop. You are wasting my time and yours with this ridiculous posturing. You aren't going to lay a hand on me, and we both know it; you're far too smart not to foresee the consequences. Also, as cranky as you are, you respect the law."

"Oh, back to the ass-kissing, huh?"

"Tsunade, I will not rise to your bait, so please stop dangling it. I'm here to do business, and we both know that there are things more important to you than keeping me from getting the hat. Name your price. I've already mentioned massive funding for your medical efforts. I could make a number of Hyūga permanently available as assistants to your junior doctors.
You can detect the precise location of a foreign object, or spot the tiniest perforations of the stomach, lungs, or intestines that cause a person to bleed out from the inside. You can flawlessly set a broken bone using nothing but chakra, and ensure that it heals straight. You can do all these things, but a newly-graduated medic-nin? No. Suppose he had a Hyūga standing beside him to indicate precisely what and where the problems are? How many lives would that save?

"For that matter, you've been talking about spreading medical knowledge since you were old enough to walk; I remember you shouting at the Third about it in the middle of a Council session. Do you still want that? Fine. I will pay the Nara to assemble and print thousands of copies of the largest possible compendium of medical knowledge. I will arrange for it to be disseminated to the farthest corners of the Elemental Nations. I will offer the other nations favored trade-partner status on condition that they set up a teaching hospital that meets your standards."

"The fuck are you talking about? You don't want trade. You think all the other nations are filled with slavering murderers and rapists desperate to...I dunno, steal our women or something?"

"I want trade
on our terms," he corrected. "Fire is the first and greatest of the nations, yet we treat with savages as though with equals. We could crush Rice whenever we wanted, without sending a single ninja into harm's way, merely by strangling their economy. Instead, we avoid or restrain ourselves in certain markets such that they are a major food supplier across the continent, on par with us or perhaps even beyond. We pay treasure to Sand and receive pittance in return. The list goes on."

She stared at him in disbelief. "Hiashi, I always knew you were arrogant, but I didn't realize you were stupid. That 'treasure' that we send to Sand? It's mostly food and textiles. Things we have in abundance. We get coal in return, and rockskipper eggs, and a thousand other things that don't exist here. That's not 'a pittance'."

"Food and cloth are nothing to us but treasure to them. The eggs and coal likewise in reverse. That is what trade
is, Tsunade: Giving someone else a thing that is worthless to you and receiving in exchange a thing that is worthless to them.

"My objection is not that we give them the food or cloth, it is with the quantities that we receive in return, and the fact that they trade on better terms with River than with us, and that they trade with Tea at all."

Again she frowned, but this time it was not directed at him. "They give River better terms than us?"

"Indeed. I can send you the full text of the treaty, if you so desire."

"Hm. You do that."

"Our arrangement with Sand has been mutually beneficial and I have no interest in terminating it. I simply want to modify some of the terms. I want to have right of first refusal on sales of food, I want to be able to sell as much as we are capable of instead of being restricted in quanitites, I want to be guaranteed terms five points better than any other partner, and a non-voting advisory seat on their Clan Council. In return, I would grant them lower prices than they now pay, patrols on their northeastern borders to prevent aggressive action from Earth, several of those teaching hospitals that we were discussing earlier, and cadre for their Academy. Most of their senior teachers were killed on Nagi Island."

She grinned. "You want to conquer them without throwing a kunai."

"Of course. We can underbid every other supplier and handle the large majority, if not all, of their non-water survival requirements. We can provide sufficient military support to keep them safe despite their recent losses, and the knowledge and skills to rebuild. Leaf will keep them safe at night, put food on their tables, care for their sick and wounded, and teach their children. Our Will of Fire will infuse them and in thirty years, when the grandchildren of those currently in power are themselves in power, what is now the Land of Sand will have become another segment of the Land of Fire. We will likely have absorbed River in the process—cut off from the Sand market and with no way to import or export except through Leaf, we will have a chokehold on their economy."

She thought about that for a moment. "Gotta admit, you don't think small."

"Leaf is
superior, Tsunade. We were founded and built by two of the greatest ninja to ever live: Your grandfather and granduncle, the First and Second. Our schools and ninjutsu libraries were built by your teacher, the Third, one of the greatest ninjutsu masters ever seen. We are the beneficiaries of you, certainly the greatest medic alive and probably in all of history. We hold the unmatched power of the Hiraishin, the legacy of the Fourth. Our walls guard the most powerful bloodlines in the world. The Nara printing press gives us unrivaled opportunities for propaganda with which to destroy our enemies from within. We control the most food, the most water, the most wood. We are the greatest of the Elemental Nations and it is time that we stopped hiding that fact and cozying up to savages not fit to lick our sandals. We can't help them to live in the civilized society required by the Will of Fire until they stop thinking themselves our equals and recognize that they are better off accepting our teachings."

"Those sound like war words, Hiashi. I am not a fan of war." The words were mild, but they barely concealed a towering threat.

He waved the threat away with casual ease. "Nor I. The blood of Leaf is too precious to be shed by our inferiors. No, I intend for us to absorb Wind and River, thereby giving us control over half this continent, including nearly all of the food and the majority of the good iron and coal. Once we have that, no collection of the remaining villages will be a threat to us."



She digested that silently.

"What about Asuma?" she asked at last. "He's Sensei's kid with all the training that implies. He's calm and likable, a good diplomat. He's a powerful jōnin and a Summoner, which opens whole new trade opportunities. He's well-liked by...well, people. Not just the people of Leaf,
all the people. If you want to spread the Will of Fire, he's going to have an easier time of it."

"You are grasping at straws because you do not want to acknowledge the truth of my arguments. Yes, Asuma is well-liked. I am
feared, and that is a better thing for a ruler. Yes, he is a powerful fighter, but I am more so. Yes, he is a Summoner, but he will still summon if I am in charge, and he will still go forth and use that niceness to spread the Will of Fire—but in efficient, effective ways instead of at whatever feels best at the time. I fully intend to take him as a protégé, and I expect that with my teachings combined with his own native talents he will make an excellent Hokage when I die or step down. Unfortunately, we don't have twenty years to wait for him to acquire seasoning, we need a Hokage now. We need me."

She sat in silence for three long seconds, wrestling with the unbreakable walls shaped by his words, the inexorable channels they built.

"All right," she said at last. "You have my vote."


o-o-o-o​

Now: 9am Thursday, January 14. The Council Chamber

Hyūga raised an impeccable eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that we should choose to ignore legal procedure during a critical vote that will determine the future of Leaf? With respect, I prefer a more measured approach. That casual attitude is rarely a good way to achieve one's goals."

She eyed him carefully, her jaw working as she tried to contain her temper.

"Lady Senju, did you wish to register an objection?" Regent Nara asked carefully.

"...No," Tsunade said at last. "Not right now." She looked at Naruto. "Sorry, kid. He's right. Technically, you're underage and your vote has always been advisory. It wasn't a big deal since technically this whole Council is advisory and the Hokage is free to ignore us. Now, when we're actually choosing the Hokage...not so much."

"Actually," Mari said, "it's a very interesting question. Naruto, exactly how old are you? How many days have you lived through?"

Hazō felt hope surge in his breast. Yes! Jiraiya had explained it all to them before! The top-secret Shadow Clone technique created exact duplicates of the user, just as intelligent and skilled as their original. The above-top-secret part was that, when they popped, all of the sensory experiences and memories from those clones were melded back into the original person's consciousness, effectively meaning that the user had lived through more time than the clock would indicate. As casually and as often as Naruto created Shadow Clones, he must have decades more life experience than showed on his physical body. Of course, much of that experience would be very similar, so perhaps it shouldn't all count. Perhaps some sort of discounting mechanism would be appropriate? Or maybe—

Naruto's eyes locked on Mari's and his head shook very slightly side to side. She held his gaze for a moment, then gave him the faintest nod.

"I'm fourteen right now," he said, the words audibly needing to struggle past his teeth. "I'll step back. Even without me, Asshat will lose."

Slowly, he stood up, lifted his chair away from the table, and set it against the wall. He resumed his seat, now set back from the table and cut off from any chance of influencing the outcome.

Silence reigned as people digested the implications of the last few minutes. Both the fact that Naruto was no longer at the table—and, indeed, likely would not be at the table again for nearly a year—and the fact that Hyūga had engineered it with Tsunade's (albeit reluctant) help.

"Unless there are other issues," Regent Nara said at last. "I call the vote to order. Candidates for the Hokage's office, please stand and declare yourself, starting from my left and proceeding around the table."

Hyūga stood. "Hyūga Hiashi of the Founding Clan Hyūga, Clan Head through three decades. I stand for Hokage by my right as a ninja of the Leaf who has fought and bled in her service."

Asuma stood. "Sarutobi Asuma, head of the Clan Sarutobi, son and protégé of the Third Hokage. I stand for Hokage by my right as a ninja of the Leaf who has fought and bled in her service."

"Show your banners, please."

Both men walked to opposite sides of the room, Hiashi to the north and Asuma to the south. A rack on each wall held a wooden staff with a cloth-wrapped bundle on one end. Hazō watched with bated breath as the two men pulled off the wrappings and turned, setting their backs against the wall, feet spread shoulder-width apart, with the base of the staff against their foot and their arm held out at an angle so that the gold-thread banners could hang free and the clan symbol on each could be recognized. To the north: The stylized eye of the Hyūga, looking up with a pupil made of fire. To the south: The stylized Monkey God of the Sarutobi, symbolic arms spread wide in welcome or in threat depending on one's view.

"If anyone else desires to stand for office, speak now or forever be silent."

Nara tapped her knuckle four times on the table, four discrete sounds that marked the time for challenge and found it empty.

"Clan Heads and regents, it falls to you: You must choose the candidate you believe will lead the Land of Fire into its best possible future. The Hokage must prevent war when possible and win it when not. The Hokage must care for the people of Fire, maintain order, tradition, and well-being to the greatest extent possible. The Hokage must serve as impartial judge and justice. The Hokage must embody the Will of Fire in all its forms, and serve as a role model to all citizens.

"Please consider your choice carefully. When you have chosen your preferred candidate, stand at their side."

No one moved.

"Fine," Tsunade growled, pushing herself to her feet with an almost-hidden wince. "Let's get it over with." She limped over to where Hiashi stood and took up position beside him. Unlike his precision military stance, she leaned against the wall an arm's length to his left with one foot up and her arms folded angrily across her chest.

The Uchiha regent stood smoothly. "The Uchiha stand united with the others of the First Three, offering our support to Lord Hyūga." He moved to stand at Hyūga's right shoulder in a military brace.

o-o-o-o​

Earlier: 11am Sunday, January 10, 1069 AS: Stately Uchiha Manor

"Thank you for allowing me into your home, Lord Uchiha, Regent Uchiha." The gray-maned head nodded in turn to Sasuke and to Sadao in turn. Surprisingly, the bow to Sasuke was slightly deeper than that to his regent. Although proper, it was rarely the way of it when an adult Clan Head addressed a child 'peer'.

Despite the respect shown in the bow, Sasuke struggled not to glare at the white-eyed bastard. The bastard in question was shining, swirling layers of overlapping images: The physical layer, down to the tiniest flecks of dirt lodged in his pores. The chakra layer: Purple-green flow through his coils, as calm and cool as a meditating monk's. The probability layer: A sway and froth of potential movements, the intensity of their hue fading as the movement became less likely based on current position, body language, and the thousand other factors that training and chakra could account. All of the many other layers, one headachingly atop the other.

The bastard in question was also running his eyes, the bulging-veined look of the Byakugan standing out to the Sharingan like a blinding star on multiple layers.

"You are most welcome, Lord Hyūga," Sadao said, bowing more deeply than had Hyūga himself. Sadao might be regent of the legendary Uchiha, but he was a civilian. No civilian would be anything less than exquisitely careful at this level. Of course, he couldn't bow
too deeply, since he and Hyūga were theoretically equals.

"What may we do for you, Lord Hyūga?" Sasuke asked, not allowing any of his personal dislike to show in his tone.

Hyūga smiled, the expression a strange mix of things laid bare to the Sharingan: Amusement, but not mockery. Regret, but not internally directed. Friendliness, and honestly meant. (What?!) "It would please me very much if you would call me 'Hiashi', Lord Uchiha," he said quietly. "The Hyūga and the Uchiha have a complicated history; I would like this to be the time when we uncomplicate it and bring our clans closer together. Personal bonds are the first step."

The Sharingan required constant sacrifice; Sasuke could feel the chakra draining out of him like blood from a gut thrust, but he refused to deactivate his bloodline. Its enhanced peripheral vision allowed him to see Sadao's hands were folded around his tea in Position #1: 'Take the lead but don't move too quickly so that I have room to cut in if needed.'

"That is very appealing, Hiashi," Sasuke said. "Please, call me Sasuke. What exactly did you have in mind?"

Hiashi took a sip of his tea and then cupped it in his hands, physical eyes pointed at it pensively. "I owe you an apology," he said at last.

Sasuke blinked.

"I have been insufficient in my allegiance to the Will of Fire these last years," the older man went on, his voice thoughtful. "Life has been good for Leaf, and for the Hyūga. With few outside threats and no major famines or disasters, it was all too easy to lose focus on what matters. I allowed myself to descend into intramural scrabbling, seeking power within Leaf and attempting to advantage the Hyūga over the other clans."

Those patrician lips quirked in self-mockery. "They say that there is no fool like an old fool, and that no grandfather ceases to enjoy fishing just because the river dries. I should like to think that I am not yet old, nor yet a fool. Change is coming to the world, and Leaf faces its greatest threat since the Night of Terror. Possibly its greatest threat ever.

"All of the great Kage are dead. Four of the Villages have no leader, and the last is led by a chūnin-level woman who knows herself to be no fighter and therefore focuses on twisting others to her bidding with honeyed words spoken from a forked tongue. Sand has been destroyed as a nation, although they have not yet realized it. Their Kage: gone. Their jinchūriki: gone. Their jōnin: all gone. Their senior chūnin, including most of their Academy instructors: gone. Leaf is in much the same position. We lost the Third and much of our ANBU a few months ago, and then at Nagi Island we lost Jiraiya, all of our elite jōnin, most of our other jōnin, most of our special jōnin, some of our most senior chūnin, and the Clan Heads of some of the most important clans. Tsunade and I are both badly injured. We still have Naruto, but he spent months being tortured and starved. We can't risk losing him, and that means we won't be able to put him in the field anytime soon. Nor should we—he has lost both of his father-figures and all of his mentors in very short order. I remember how devastated I was when I lost my father; it was months of going through the motions, anger and grief striking me at random moments. Training became difficult...moving became difficult, at times. I cannot imagine what Naruto must be going through, but I do appreciate how dangerous it could be for him to be without support right now. Dangerous to him, and to the rest of us."

He shook his head. "On the other hand, Rock and Cloud are comparatively untouched. They lost their Kage and a handful of jōnin, but that's all. They still have plenty of jōnin and two jinchūriki each. They desperately need arable land and they have hated us for decades; how long will it be before they decide to peel off a part of Fire?

"Leaf must be unified, and it is not. I have been complicit in allowing that to happen, and I would like to mend my ways. Starting with the Uchiha, our sister Great Vision bloodline."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. His reserves were nearly empty, but he clung tight to the Sharingan for a few moments longer, casting off some of the less vital layers in order to stretch out its duration. "What did you have in mind?"

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Sadao shift his grip on the cup the tiniest bit, allowing his fingers to drift into Criticism #1: 'That was not in accord with the manners appropriate to a mature Clan Head.' Sasuke refused to acknowledge the silent rebuke, yet somehow he was confident that Hiashi had seen and understood it.

"Ultimately, I came to ask in what way the Hyūga could best be of use to you. As I said, I have been remiss in allegiance to the Will of Fire, and to the honor between our clans. The Uchiha are one of the Three Clans, founders among founders. Your blood, my blood, and the blood of the Senju are purer than any other clan's, and I want us to once more fight shoulder-to-shoulder as we did when Leaf was founded.

"The Hyūga and the Senju already stand united; Tsunade has convinced me of the vital importance of her medical work in preserving the health and safety of Leaf's future. I will be devoting a significant fraction of Hyūga funds to disseminating the medical works that she thinks are important to disseminate." He chuckled. "I recall one rather dramatic Council meeting, back when she was...oh, sixteen? Seventeen, perhaps? We had been haggling like fishwives for hours when she threw the door open and stomped in, pushing two ANBU off as she came. She threw a stack of papers at us and started shouting. The phrase that got used the most was 'Plagues have no respect for borders!'" His smile faded. "There is very likely to be a war soon, and the spirits of sickness will walk in its wake. She has materials on how to prevent plague; the Hyūga are already in negotiations with the Nara to print five thousand copies, and we will then fund a series of missions to disseminate those books throughout the Elemental Nations. Likewise, I will be making Hyūga assistants available to her medical practitioners, and funding clinics and research into better ways of saving the lives of Leaf ninja in the future.

"It is vital to the safety of Leaf that the Uchiha Clan recover its former glory as quickly as possible, and the Hyūga should have been there for you long ago. I humbly apologize for our failure, and I intend to make it right." He set his cup down and bowed deeply, barely inches from a full dogeza. He held it for two long seconds before straightening up again and sitting upright, palms on his thighs. "You know your needs better than I, but I would like to make some suggestions in order to show the depths of my commitment. May I?"

Sasuke nodded, feeling a bit overwhelmed. "Please do," he said, jolting back to awareness of the demands of manners. "I would be very grateful for your thoughts."

Hiashi nodded and smiled. "Thank you. If you will pardon my bluntness, the Uchiha's primary need right now is to bring ninja into your clan, either through marriage or adoption. Specifically, you need to bring ninja who do
not have a bloodline. Children between a civilian who carries the honored blood of the Uchiha and a ninja with a bloodline might produce a child with the Sharingan, but it would be far more likely that the active bloodline of the ninja parent would hold sway. Yours is one of the three greatest bloodlines to ever walk the Sage's earth; you do not need a dozen inferior half-breeds under your roof. You could try to acquire ninja with some watered-down bloodline that budded off from your noble lineage centuries ago, in hopes that such people would be more likely to produce true Sharingan later on. It might work, but it's more likely that you would merely be burdened with their inadequacy instead. No, in my humble opinion, you would do better to acquire ninja with no bloodline. They will provide the ninja spark which the strong blood of your clan will fan into the power of the Sharingan."

Sasuke's coils guttered within him and he pulled the chakra back from his eyes, allowing the Sharingan to fade away before it drained him to death. Despite that, he still saw visions dancing before him: Dozens of Kurosawa and Wakahisa stumble-footing through the halls of the Uchiha instead of the proud, red-eyed ninja he had envisioned. Hiashi was absolutely right.

"I don't disagree," he said. "Still, we are limited to adopting only two clanless ninja per year. That is not much on which to rebuild our bloodline."

Hiashi nodded. "Indeed. On the other hand, you can adopt and marry between clans as much as you like. Marrying a full-blood Hyūga would not be useful"—he flashed a smile—"which is a pity, for I have a trio of young ladies whom I would dearly love to foist upon you. Their skill and beauty are all that one could hope for, but it is matched by their maddening babble about fashion and flowers and jewelry.

"More seriously: Were you to find more than two clanless ninja that you felt worthy of becoming Uchiha then the Hyūga could adopt two of them and you could adopt them from us. I would be happy to commit both of our adoption slots to this purpose for the next ten years. Also, I am owed favors from several of the smaller clans, and I feel certain I could convince them to use one or both of their slots on your behalf. I have not spoken to them yet, but if you are interested then I feel sure I could arrange up to eight adoptions for you per year for the next five years, in addition to the two Hyūga slots that will continue for ten years total. I am also happy to assist in finding potential candidates for your review. Would that appeal?"

The room seemed to have gotten brighter, and it was spinning slightly. It might have been borderline chakra exhaustion or it might have been impossible hope. Without the Sharingan, Sasuke had to actually flick his eyes to the left in order to note that Sabao's hands had shifted, the cup held solely in the right hand and the left resting on his thigh with fingers in the position of 'DANGER! Be very polite and commit to nothing!'

"It is certainly an interesting idea," Sasuke said. "I fear that, unlike yours, my mind is too slow to grasp all the implications at once. Would you be kind enough to let me consider the idea and reach out to you when I have caught up?"

"Of course, of course," Hiashi said. "Although, if you will permit me the discourtesy of disagreement, I would say that you are too critical of yourself, Sasuke. Everything I know about you says that you are a brilliant young man. What happened to your clan was beyond tragedy, yet I have no doubt that your reign as Clan Head will be an example of good rulership to future generations."

"You are too kind."

"If I may add something else to the basket for your consideration," Hiashi said, "there is also the question of finances. With the loss of the Uchiha ninja, the clan's income was hard hit. Leaf owes the Uchiha a tremendous debt and I would like to start to pay some of that debt. I considered how best to do this, and I thought perhaps you would be kind enough to sell me the resort at Mizuyako for a generous price."

Sasuke glanced inquiringly at Sadao.

"A modest onsen halfway between Tanzaku Gai and Keishi," the regent said in answer to the unspoken question. "Your father acquired it; in its time it was seen as an excellent opportunity, as there used to be a small trade road through the area. A rut of eartheaters passed through the area ten years ago, collapsing the road and allowing the emergence of some underground springs that have converted a lot of the surrounding area into marsh. The onsen has seen very little business since, and is largely abandoned."

"The Hyūga have interest in a set of farms and two mills in that area," Hiashi said. "Mizuyako would make an excellent rest stop for our ninja when they review those properties."

"I see." Was Hiashi trying to...be nice? He wasn't offering a loan or, Sage forfend, a gift. If he simply overpaid for a useless property it would bring no shame on either party. "I would certainly be open to discussing it," Sasuke said carefully. "May I ask if you had any details in mind?"

"Would one hundred and fifty million cash, paid in monthly installments over two years, be an acceptable price? Oh, and forgiveness of all monetary debts owed by the Uchiha to the Hyūga, of course."

Sasuke froze. From the corner of his eye he saw Sadao stiffen.

"That...is a great deal of money, Lord Hyūga," Sadao said carefully. "I apologize most humbly, but I fear that the advancing years have left me slightly deaf and I may have misheard you. How much of the payment were you intending to be in cash?"

"Why, all of it," Hiashi said, taking a sip of his tea and smiling. "The Hyūga have been blessed with a tremendous opportunity in the near future. In the face of such fortune, it is both duty and pleasure to ensure a smooth path for all those truly loyal to Leaf, most especially the Uchiha." He took another sip, then cocked his head slightly. "I thought perhaps we could finalize the details and actually sign the agreement over dinner this Thursday, after the Council meeting?"

Sasuke couldn't believe himself. He'd gotten absorbed in trying to figure out Hiashi's intent and then bemused by the visions of fabulous wealth, and had completely missed the fact that this was a very discreet attempt to buy the Uchiha vote in the Hokage election. Clearly, it was a good thing that Sadao was running things. Sasuke was far too stupid to ever be allowed into a position of responsibility.

"That is very kind of you," he said, bowing slightly. "With your kindness, we will discuss it amongst the clan and will reach out as soon as possible?"

"Of course." Hiashi bowed, deeper than Sasuke but not too deep. "If you will allow it, I shall depart and leave you to your discussions."

"It is very much appreciated. Allow us to walk you out."


o-o-o-o​

Now: 9am Thursday, January 14. The Council Chamber

Those who had not yet voted watched Uchiha immediately, and willingly (!), fall in alongside Hyūga. Nearly every face curled into at least a small frown.

"After careful and extensive consideration and intra-clan debate, the Nara stand enthusiastically beside Lord Sarutobi." The regent stood and moved gracefully to take her place on Asuma's left.

"The Yamanaka second that," said the barrel-chested man who served as Ino's regent, taking position on Asuma's right. They were the first words Hazō had heard him speak since he entered the room.

"The Akimichi support the Nara evaluation and stand always beside our true friend, Asuma," said Lord Akimichi. The words were calm but his basso profundo voice gave them the weight of mountains. He moved to stand beside the Nara regent and waited calmly, studying everyone else in the room with careful eyes.

"The Minami value integrity and care for others. There is therefore only one possible choice among the candidates: Lord Sarutobi, and glad we are to have him."

"The Kurusu stand for Lord Hyūga. His clan is stronger and he has demonstrated far greater mercantile understanding. Leaf will prosper under his rule."

"The Motoyoshi stand with Lord Hyūga." The words, like the gait, were thin and efficient, no movement wasted as the speaker took a stance against the north wall.

"The Kyoshō also stand with Lord Hyūga."

Mari stood. "The Gōketsu are newer to Leaf than the rest of you and therefore we take our guidance from our seniors. I stand today in Jiraiya's place, after his untimely death on the field at Nagi Island. He told me many stories about the people of Leaf, and there were few whom he praised more than Sarutobi Asuma. Jiraiya praised Asuma for being calm and patient in daily life, thoughtful and wise in judgement, and swift and precise in battle. Combining Jiraiya's opinion with the evaluation of the Nara, the Gōketsu consider ourselves honored to stand beside Lord Sarutobi." She moved to the south wall and joined the ranks.

Everyone considered that for a moment.

"The Hagoromo accept the wise counsel of the Gōketsu. We stand with Lord Sarutobi."

The count was seven to six in Asuma's favor and Hazō was struggling not to chew his nails as he waited for the final three clans to make their choice. It should be safe now. The Gōketsu had bought the Amori's vote, making the count at least eight to six for Asuma. Mari had been romancing the Inuzuka all week and making progress. Based on that fact and some backchanneling, Shikamaru had stated that he was "reasonably confident" the Inuzuka would side with Asuma. Assuming they did, Asuma had won. Even if he didn't, that still left Aburame's vote up in the air. Mari was confident that Lord Aburame Shibi would have voted with her thanks to her earlier political gambit of following his vote. Hopefully his successor, being new at the job, would observe his predecessor's opinions.

"Lord Sarutobi has never dealt falsely with the Amori nor sought to oppress us. We stand willingly at his side."

One more vote for Asuma and his victory was completely assured.

The tall, spare Lady Inuzuka stood, looking back and forth between the candidates with a troubled expression on her face.

"I find myself conflicted," she said. "Honor, skill, loyalty, intellect, wisdom, power...both of you have these things in full measure. Hiashi, you and I have clashed on more than one occasion, but I respect you as a man and as a leader. I think you're a little too close-minded, but I can't deny you'd do a good job. Asuma...." She chuckled and shook her head. "Honestly, you're a little less experienced than I would prefer in a Hokage, but aside from that you're annoyingly perfect. Being around you is this niggling little itch about how I need to work harder to measure up. You will make a great Hokage...someday.

"When I find all the factors so evenly balanced, I think I must follow Lady Senju. Her blood founded this village and formed this nation. She has spent her life in service to it, and I cannot ignore that fact. Clan Inuzuka stands with Lord Hyūga." She moved to stand against the north wall.

Ohshitohshitohshit.

The Council table was empty now, save for Clan Head Aburame Torune. Everyone else in the room stood against one wall or the other, the lines drawn and the symbolic knives in hand. All eyes were on the young man as he sat unmoving, considering the two separate factions.

"Lady Inuzuka speaks truth," he said at last. "Both candidates are filled with every virtue one needs to be Hokage. They have different strengths, different policies, and represent two very different futures." He looked away from the people, gazing pensively into imagination. "This is a fraught time. The geopolitical balance is shattered, and war is almost certain. One must ask oneself: What makes the better warleader? Nigh-omniscient perception of the battlefield, plus the experience brought by age? Or does age perhaps bring cynicism and thoughts worn smooth and brittle in old patterns?

"Alternatively, perhaps victory in battle is gained from the strength of a Summon Clan, coupled with the energy of youth? Or does youth perhaps bring recklessness and inexperience that leads to error?"

He fell silent and everyone waited.

Finally, Aburame nodded and stood. "When night falls and no path is clear, what finally counts is loyalty to the hive. My brother praises his teammate to the skies; on that basis, Clan Aburame stands with Lord Hyūga." He moved to the north wall and took up his position on the end.

Everyone looked at each other.

No one spoke.

"So...what happens now?" the Minami Clan Head eventually asked. "Eight to eight, no votes outstanding. No Hokage to break the tie."

"When no candidate has a majority, the candidate with the fewest votes is eliminated and their voters choose a new candidiate," the Nara regent said. "With only two candidates, that pattern breaks down." She looked around. "Would anyone care to change their vote and break the tie?"

No one did.

"Asuma," Hyūma said, nodding respectfully as would one warleader to another across the field of battle. "The clans are divided now, and the people of Leaf will note that and be afraid. The division would continue and could weaken Leaf on the battlefield. You and I could find a way to break the tie—perhaps a spar, or a test of our metaphysical potence, or comparison of our lineage. We could undoubtedly find something and one of us would win...but we would also both lose. This rift among the clans would fester with resentment and grow worse.

"On the other hand, if you were to step down in my favor, the nation would be united once again, and it would give you unshakable moral authority for the next election. You will make a legendary Hokage when your time comes...but that time is not now. Leaf will prosper with me as Hokage and you as my Jōnin Commander and top advisor. Join me?"

Asuma cocked his head slightly, considering the words. "You could step down in my favor, you know," he said with a smile.

Hyūga smiled back for a moment and then shrugged.

"Didn't think so," Asuma said wryly. He stood in echoing silence, pondering, and then shook his head.

"As much as it pains me...I accept your offer, Lord Hokage."





XP AWARD: 30 + 1 (brevity)

Author's Note:
You kept an eye on Mari's mental state. No significant changes before the election.

It is now 2pm on Thursday, January 14. You're back at the Gōketsu compound, you've told the family what happened, and everyone is a bit shell-shocked. Mari has retreated to her room with the door locked. You hovered outside a bit and did not hear any crying.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, August 7, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
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Chapter 278: Assuming Control

Thursday, January 14, 1069 AS.

"THAT SMUG, MANIPULATIVE, ARROGANT, OPAQUE-EYED SON OF A BITCH!" Naruto roared the second they got to the living room. "Hey, you don't need all of these walls, right?"

"I kinda think we do," Noburi said warily. "But I reckon we can afford to replace a sofa."

Smash!

"Ow," Naruto said, waving his hand as if trying to shake something off it, possibly splinters.

"You all right?"

"I've got regeneration," Naruto said off-handedly. "Shadow Clone Technique!"

He pointed at the pitiful remnants of the sofa. "Clean that up."

The two clones exchanged glances. "You can be a real slave-driver sometimes, Boss, you know that?"

"You've only got yourself to blame," Naruto said.

"Ahem!" Hazō said pointedly. "Now that's dealt with, I want you all to listen to me."

He wanted to listen to himself first, but he couldn't. They needed him right now. Even though everything they'd just done was for nothing. Even though they'd given away the thing Jiraiya had fought so hard to keep out of Hyūga's hands. Even though with everything they'd learned, everything they'd done, they still weren't good enough. But those were his feelings. There was no room for his feelings when the clan needed him.

"This is all my fault," Mari, whom he'd only barely coaxed out of her bedroom, said hollowly. "I held back."

"None of this is anyone's fault!" Hazō exclaimed even though it had all been his. "Least of all yours. Without you, we wouldn't have been able to so much as try." He sat down next to her on the non-obliterated sofa and put his arms around her. She didn't react.

"I held back," Mari repeated. "I could have done more. Ami even asked why I wasn't doing more."

"Wait," Hazō frowned. "You've been talking to Ami?"

"Not much," Mari muttered. "Non-intervention pact.

"I held back, Hazō. Nothing to do with her. I could have prevented all of this if I'd only tried harder."

"I don't believe that," Hazō said firmly. "Sometimes the odds are just against you. Even then, we nearly won. Hyūga had to beg for his victory."

"I could have done more," Mari said with equal firmness. "I should have."

Hazō decided he was out of helpful things to say to her for now. Instead, he just gently pulled her over, and she didn't resist as she collapsed against him. With her aura of confidence off, he registered once again just how small Mari was.

"So," Naruto said, clapping his hands together. "Let's talk plans."

Hazō nodded.

"Hazō," Naruto said briskly, "I'll be needing your strongest explosives that don't level the village or something. Noburi, get your chakra filled up so Keiko can summon all her pangolins in one go. Kagome…. Wait, where's Kagome?"

Everyone was on their feet in an instant.

"Search Pattern Three!" Hazō barked. "Priority targets are the Hyūga compound and the Tower. Go!"

-o-​

"Hey, Sis," Naruto waved as two of his clones escorted a glowering Kagome. The rest of the clan followed behind.

"They will come for you in the night," Keiko said coldly, "while you sleep. They will know no mercy."

"Good to see you too. So I guess you were late for the meeting-that-was-supposed-to-be?"

Keiko nodded. "On my return from the Seventh Path, I found Shikamaru… best not left unattended. I apologise for the delay."

"I wasn't actually going to blow up the stinker," Kagome said defiantly. "Not until I confirmed what he was sending for us."

"And was he, in fact, engaged in any hostile activity?" Keiko asked.

"Not that I saw," Kagome muttered. "But you and I both know he's just biding his time. Every second that snake's left alive…"

The Narutos shook their heads in eerie unison. "That's not how you do this. First, you need area control so he can't use his Byakugan to find a way out. Second, you need a diversion so you don't have the entirety of ANBU to get past. Third, you need interception ready in case he breaks out. That's probably going to mean collateral damage, but I can live with that. Fourth…"

"We are not assassinating the Hokage," Hazō said wearily. "It's tempting—by Byakuren's Multiple Tentacle Technique, it's tempting—but they will identify us, and I'm not going missing-nin again."

"We have too much to lose," Keiko agreed.

"All right," Hazō said, "now that we're all assembled. Mari, you did nothing wrong. Naruto, you did nothing wrong. Kagome, you did nothing wrong. Noburi, you did nothing wrong. Keiko, you did nothing wrong. None of us. Got it?

"So Hyūga won. Boo hoo, the new Hokage is out to get us. Remember who else was out to get us? Zabuza." Zabuza, emerging from the darkness, a mouth full of jagged teeth grinning through the mask. The feeling of that blade, cutting through his neck like a slow, red line of pain. Of watching his body fall to its knees without him, and knowing that it still wasn't over. The feeling of…

"Hazō. You were saying something about this not being the time for mass suicide?"

Hazō snapped out of it.

"My point is that this is a joke compared to everything we've been through. Hyūga isn't going to kill us. He won the election by a thread. Half of Leaf is watching him for weakness and he knows it. Yes, he can make our lives a lot harder. Yes, if we take a single wrong step, he'll pounce. But we're not talking Jiraiya and the killbox here. We can defend ourselves, and we will.

"For what we want to do with our lives, this changes nothing. Yes, having a Hokage who put till'n'fills into the mission list of his own accord was great. Every time I think of him I realise just how much we owe him. But have we been standing idly by without an authority figure guiding us by the hand? I don't think so. We have saved people.

"I know this is a setback. I know we might feel frustrated and powerless right now. But we have faced literal, immediate death, time after time, with nothing in our hands except a kunai and a couple of seals. Compared to that, sitting here with our own compound and piles of money and a place on the Council and clan head allies and a brother capable of wiping a village off the face of the earth on his lonesome? I think we can handle one tiny Hokage.

"We're going to do this. Uplift is happening, step by step. Every one of us is making a difference, and even when our progress is slow, we're still unstoppable.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hug Mari some more."

They excused him.

"Keiko," Noburi said. "Now you're here, how did things go on the Seventh Path? I mean, I notice you're still alive and in one piece, but these days the primary damage is to our sanity, so…"

"Ninja Combat Teaching One," Keiko said. "The best way to avoid being hurt is not to be there in the first place.

"But in response to your question, I am alive and in one piece. Pantsā was as inscrutable as ever, and the other officers were… perhaps the best term is 'restrained'. The practical outcome is that I have been stripped of my tessera, which were part of the original deal, and re-entered into the standard summoner mission roster. The summoner bonds have been preserved so that the clan can assign them to me on a one-off basis where they feel a given mission requires it.

"Also, Pandā was disappointed in me."

Noburi winced.

"You seem to be taking it remarkably well," he said.

"Between the loss of my greatest assets and stalwart allies, the stress of prolonged hostile social interaction, and the discovery that, despite my very best efforts, our greatest enemy now holds the power of life and death over us, I believe I may be in a state of shock. I am endeavouring to remain in this state as long as possible so that I may support Shikamaru with his own emotional difficulties. At some point I will cease to be in a state of shock and presumably collapse in tears, but arrangements have been made for Shiori and Tenten's presence, respectively, in anticipation of this. Even miserable Nara are nothing if not practical."

"Speaking of Tenten," Hazō said, having nothing he could possibly say in response to this, "did we ever find out what Gai did with the Turtle Scroll?"

"Yes," Keiko said. "He left it to all three of them. Collectively, not individually."

"He what?!"

Keiko shrugged. "I know only what I was told."

"How does that even…?"

"Sorry," Naruto cut in, "but can we maybe table 'Maito Gai was crazy' for now and get back to 'Hyūga Hiashi is crazy'?"

"Right, yes, sorry," Hazō said. "Next on the agenda, Ami. We need to talk to Ami. That power maximisation favour? We really need it to be paying off right now. And that means we need to do her voting thing ASAP. And that means we need to know what the voting thing is. Keiko, do you have any ideas on how to find her quickly?"

Before Keiko could answer, Naruto pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket, skimmed it, then gave a nod. "I'll go get her."

The family exchanged glances.

"Am I the only one that just got a really, really bad feeling?" Hazō asked.

-o-​

"No clans for the clanless," Mori said, having unilaterally taken over Mari-hugging duty. "Also, got any hot chocolate? You can barely get it anywhere in civilian shops, and the ones that have it charge through the nose."

Hazō gave her a look.

"Pretty please?"

Kagome sighed. "Fine." He headed off into the kitchen, pausing halfway to give Mori a suspicious look.

"Hey, maybe I can get the Mizukage to conquer the far south and take control of the chocolate trade. Lucrative and morale-boosting."

"No clans for the clanless?" Hazō repeated meaningfully.

"Mmm. I want you to propose to the Clan Council that the clanless should be permitted to form their own clans. Obviously, you'll get shouted down, and Hyūga will be like 'hahaha. NO'. So when I say I want you to lose, it'll be effortless. I just don't want you burning any capital trying to improve your odds. Not that it wouldn't have its benefits, but Gōketsu power maximisation says hold on to your family jewels. You'll need those very soon."

"Isn't calling for that vote burning capital in the first place?"

"Nah. It'll just look like the Gōketsu trying to legitimise their own existence as a pre-emptive move against Hyūga. Now about that hot chocolate…"

-o-​

Saturday January 16, 1069 AS. The day after the Clan Council vote.

Every now and then, Hazō spotted a Naruto standing silently on a rooftop, mouth moving soundlessly as if rehearsing lines. There were more of them than he thought Naruto could make. Was it even safe for him to split his chakra up this much in his current state?

No. He didn't have time to think about that. This was Naruto, and Hazō was pretty sure one of Leaf's two greatest ninja would know where his limits lay. Instead, Hazō could focus on only one thing. He had to get through the crowds of people heading for Itama Square via every available surface. He couldn't be late for… whatever was about to happen.


There were three people on the dais, a simple construction of stacked wood and cloth. Mori, inevitably, was at the heart of whatever disaster was about to be unleashed. Naruto… well, that was no surprise, given what he'd seen on his way. Naruto next to Mori, though, did not inspire confidence in the future of the world.

And finally, as the third member of whatever catastrophe was about to go down… Keiko. Stiff as a board, staring at the crowds in what Hazō knew to be suppressed horror, Keiko. Hazō honestly thought Mori would be better than that. Well, he'd hoped she'd be better than that. All right, he'd been open to the possibility of her being better than that. Hazō wished he'd known in advance so he could have protected Keiko from whatever this was, but he suspected that was part of the reason Mori had kept him in the dark.

"Thanks for coming!" Naruto said. "Yes, it's your favourite month—week—day—hour, Uzumaki Naruto Hour! Now, you all know why we're here, at least unless you've spent the last couple of weeks hiding under a rock—which I wouldn't blame you for, given what's been going on. Fact is, life's not looking great right now. Many of our great heroes are out for the count"—just for a second, he let an expression very different from his customary grin slip out—"while the dirty swine that barely lent us a hand at Nagi Island are already staring at our territory with their tongues hanging out. But those of us who follow the Will of Fire, which is to say anyone with a working heart, remember the First's first teaching: strength comes from unity. We've even reached out to Mist, not exactly our friends in history, because they're starting to get it. We're going to have to stand together to face what's coming.

"Now here's what you actually came for. Unity doesn't just mean standing together with your former enemies. It also means standing together with your friends. That's why my friends and I have been working on a little project, taking stuff they've been experimenting with in Mist, and turning it into something greater with the teachings of Kage past and the spirit of the Will of Fire."

Naruto adjusted his stance as if for emphasis, but could that possibly have been him swaying slightly? He opened his mouth, but hesitated for just that one microsecond of a person changing what he was about to say.

"…Now, for the full skinny of what we've been working on, I'm going to hand over to this lady here, one of my partners in crime. Pleeeease welcome… Mori Ami!"

There was cheering in the crowd. Too much cheering for a Mist ninja, and one who'd barely just arrived in Leaf.

Mori bowed.

"Thank you. As the charismatic and unexpectedly handsome gentleman here says, my name is Mori Ami. I am a diplomatic representative, sent here to represent the Mizukage and the entirety of the Village Hidden in the Mist in order to pay our respects to the heroic warriors of Leaf, and their tragic sacrifices, at the upcoming funeral. Thank you very much for your warm welcome, first from the Clan Council, and then from the shinobi of Leaf.

"Now, while I've been here, we've been discussing the best ways to strengthen our villages in this time of uncertainty. Sure, there are some obvious practical measures, such as the recent agreement to provide Lady Tsunade's medics with a license to operate freely in the Water Country, which we hope will save thousands of innocent lives. But we can do much more. We can help both our villages draw out their full potential. The key to this is you, independent ninja.

"Clan adoption is a rare and valuable thing. Sure, there are those who've actively refused clan adoption, like Hatake Kakashi, Kurenai Yūhi, and even Jiraiya of the Three, who went on to form his own clan instead. But not everyone wants to be Hatake Kakashi. Most independent ninja want to become part of a clan, with access to its resources and its protection. It's only natural. Unfortunately, we all know that the clans do not adopt lightly. Only those the clans deem best can receive the honour of membership. Again, it's only natural. Clans can't afford to spend resources on many people, and they must also protect the purity of their blood.

"As most of you know, the Gōketsu Clan has been working hard to find solutions to this problem. Only yesterday, they called for a Clan Council meeting where Lady Gōketsu Mari, on behalf of clan head Hazō, proposed that independent ninja should be able to form their own clans. However, the proposal was unanimously shot down by the other voting clans, and ultimately rejected by Hyūga Hiashi, the new Sixth Hokage.

"We know many of you are discontented with this outcome. Some even angry. But Lord Hyūga is a lawfully elected Hokage, and now it is your duty to be loyal to him. Don't let anything I'm saying make you think otherwise.

"But are new clans the only solution? Is there no way to tap into the boundless wealth and power of Leaf without borrowing it from those who already enjoy it? The three of us are here to present an alternative.

"The voice of one ninja is inaudible on the scale of a village as great as Leaf. The voice of a dozen, speaking in unison? Less so, as my friend here can personally testify. And the voice of hundreds?

"We offer to you the opportunity to join together in an informal organisation that will allow all ninja who wish to do so to pool their resources, both material and social, to create a greater whole that can promote and protect each member's welfare. An opportunity to discover a new kind of unity that will strengthen Leaf in a way past generations could not have dreamed of. We call it…

"The Konoha Enlightenment Initiative."

"There you have it," Naruto said, now sounding more chipper. "It sounded crazy when she first pitched it to me, but hey, if there's anyone who knows about unity in numbers, it's gotta be me, amirite?"

Laughter.

"Long story short," Naruto said, "you don't have to be an independent ninja if you don't want to. You can be a KEI ninja instead, which is the same, only awesome because every other KEI ninja's got your back. The KEI's not a clan, 'cause we've been over that, but if you're tired of being called 'clanless', and stuff that's worse, maybe this is where you belong?"

Mori stepped forward. "I am Mori Ami, and I'll be helping coordinate KEI activities, as well as serving as liaison to the KEI's sister organisation in Mist, the AMI. Together, let's make this an alliance that will go down in history." She bowed.

"I am Uzumaki Naruto, and I'll be helping coordinate KEI activities. If you come up with something that helps Leaf and its ninja, bam! It gets done. You've got my guarantee on that." He gave a thumbs-up.

"I am Nara Keiko, and I will be helping coordinate KEI activities. Please be reassured that no matter what steps this organisation takes, they will be founded on clear insight, and cleansed of error." She bowed.

Mori had just repaid the favour by creating an uberclan with at least two thirds of the leadership being pro-Gōketsu. Also at least two thirds of the leadership being in her pocket. Hazō couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.

-o-​

You have received 4 XP.

-o-​

Biosealing is a strictly classified topic. Kabuto would be happy to find some way to help you, provided you have official permission from the Hokage.

No research has been conducted on Noburi's Bloodline Limit so far due to lack of free Noburi. (Can someone link me to the research proposal?)

Kabuto expressed interest in Hazō's offer. He is, however, concerned about the Mizukage's reaction if she finds out a Leaf doctor is studying the Iron Nerve.

Captain Minori made herself talk to you since you're Jiraiya's children. It took a lot longer than a lunch, and not because she had so much to narrate. Hazō tried to be sensitive, but feels guilty for what he put her through.

Nobody in the clan has the kind of dungeon-crawling experience you expect to need (although Kagome is looking shifty), so your idea of safety protocols etc. is limited to what you've seen in RPGs. If there's something particularly clever/sensible you can think of, you may wish to put it in the Basement plan.

-o-​

What do you do?

Voting closes on Saturday 10th of August, 9 a.m. New York Time.
 
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Chapter 279: The Basement
IMPORTANT! CONTENT WARNING: This chapter describes the team going into the laboratory of Orochimaru, a canon Naruto character known for three things: Being an amoral psychopath, being a medical researcher who did human experimentation on involuntary subjects, and being a genius ninja who did things bad enough to get him arrested. The story will attempt to play to this aspect of Orochimaru, which means that there will be some horror elements, both gore and psychological.

I'm reasonably sure that what I intend to write does not violate the SV rules, but just to be certain I have put it in an offsite Google Doc. The link is in a spoiler partway down the chapter. You do not need to read it in order to follow the chapter.






Saturday, January 17, 5pm

"We're going into the basement," Hazō declared.

A roomful of eyes (most of them belonging to Narutos) turned on him with expressions that ranged from 'Say what now?' to 'The straps should cross right about there'.

"Why?" Mari asked.

"Because I'm bored. Because we've just gone through a lot of stressful and exhausting stuff with the election and the KEI. Because it will be great family bonding. And because I want a nice simple problem that I can solve by punching it in the face."

Glances were exchanged between everyone who wasn't Hazō.

"You know that's a stupid idea, right?" asked one of the Narutos. "I've heard about your basement. Even the ANBU didn't want to go more than a little ways down there. Didn't this whole place belong to Orochimaru? You know, Orochimaru of the Sannin, Uncle Jiraiya's brother-in-arms, the guy whose freakazoid biosealing and medical experiments went so far over the line that Grandpa arrested him?"

"Not a very good arrest if he escapes," Kagome-sensei muttered.

"Exactly!" Hazō said, eyes lighting up with a disturbing flame as he thoroughly ignored Kagome-sensei and refused to be distracted from answering Naruto's question. "And there might be some of his cool stuff down there! Just think of all the medical advancements, or the sealing notes, or—"

Kagome-sensei stood up and walked across the room, leaning down so that his face was only inches from Hazō's and he could study his student from all sides. "S'funny," Kagome-sensei mused, taking Hazō by the chin and turning his head slightly. "You don't look brain damaged...."

Hazō batted his teacher's hand away. "Look, sensei, there might be nothing down there, in which case it's not a problem for us to go down. Or, alternatively, there might be some really bad, scary stuff...in which case, wouldn't you rather find that out on our timetable instead of on its?"

Kagome-sensei jerked upright. "I'll get my stuff."

o-o-o-o​

The better part of a day later, it was an edgy and irritable group that waited impatiently at the door of the sub-subbasement. (The basement was simply storage, the sub-basement was the family vault. It wasn't until the sub-subbasement that things started getting properly dodgy.)

"Is this really a good idea?" Mari asked dubiously.

"Yes," Kagome-sensei and Hazō said in unison. The former was busy checking the latter's Delving Suit, Mk I. It consisted of a CHAOS suit (ninja uniform with a bazillion pocket into which had been placed various seals; used for general combat potential and storage), a gasmask (wooden box strapped to the face with an Usamatsu's Glorious Life-Saving Purifier seal sucking in ambient air, cleansing it, and blowing the results forcefully into the mouth and nose; used for preventing gas attacks or choking air), and heavy gloves (used because they were a generally reasonable precaution). Hazō had proposed wearing layers on top of the CHAOS suit, in case of grabby monsters or goo traps, but Kagome-sensei had nixed the idea on the grounds that it rendered the CHAOS suit unusable and would be too hot and restrictive.

"Gotta admit, I wasn't sure about this," said a Naruto. "I'm starting to come around. The idea of punching the everloving fuck out of some chakra monsters sounds great. If, as you suggest, Orochimaru might have left notes on immortality or whatever...well, bonus."

"Easy for you to say, Boss," grumbled a different Naruto. "You don't have to take point."

Naruto, now revealed as Prime, rolled his eyes. "Eh. Whatever happens to you, I'm going to remember it happening to me."

The other Naruto brightened. "That makes it better. Thanks, Boss. I'll be sure to only allow myself to die in a truly horrific way so that you can enjoy the stress and pain with me."

Noburi cocked an eyebrow. "Are you guys always so fatalistic and passive-aggressive?" he asked the clone.

"Nah," said one of the other six Naruto clones. "Sometimes we're snarky."

"Everyone geared up?" Hazō asked. A ripple of acknowledgement went around the room. "Let's do this. Rocky, open the door."

Hazō's Earth Clone, known for the rest of its brief and non-sapient existence as 'Rocky', reached for the bar on the door that led out of the sub-subbasement and down into what everyone has mutually decided to call "Level 1 of the Dungeon of Doomiest, Gloomiest Doom". (DDGDL1 for short. There had been a bit of a debate on how to pronounce the acronym and whether it was properly an acronym or an initialism. The initialism camp had eventually won.)

"Hold up there!" Kagome-sensei snapped, slapping the clone's hand away. "What do you think you're doing?" he demanded of Hazō.

"...Having Rocky open the door like we agreed?"

"You haven't done the dance!"

Hazō winced and glanced around. The Narutos, unfamiliar with Kagome-sensei's policies, were looking interested. The rest of the team were looking amused and/or outright snickering.

"Sensei...is this really necessary? I mean, we're not doing sealing."

"Of course it's necessary! You said Orochimaru used to own this place, and it's well known that he did biosealing, which means he's crazier than a rabid wombat. You're the leader on this, so you have to do it. Besides, you said that I was the one with experience of breaking into a doom fortress so I had carte blanche and you would follow whatever directions I gave. Now I'm telling you to dance, dungeon boy!"

"But you're the leader! We're doing whatever you say, not whatever I say."

"Ah, but you're the one who wanted to do it," Kagome-sensei said, an insufferable smile on his face. "That makes you the leader."

Hazō sighed and took up the opening position of the Please Don't Let the Monsters From Behind Time and Space Notice My Efforts dance: knees slightly bent, leaning slightly forward with the butt extended for balance, arms raised to chest height with elbows out, hands extended and angled forty-five degrees downwards with fingers and thumb pressed together.

"I'm invisible!" he chanted, bouncing up and down on his toes. "You can't see me!"

Wiggle butt side to side. Hop, turning ninety degrees to the right before landing. Arch the back so that head and shoulders are forward, turn hands palm out, thrust forward and back as though doing pushups. With every extension, mutter "Back!" Hop, turning one hundred eighty degrees. Hands into fists, rolling around one another as though administering a Dragon's Gate composed of thirteen-and-a-half hammerfist strikes, each one accompanied with a high-pitched "No!" Stop, hunch forward with head bowed, arms upraised and together like closing a guard against attacks to the head. Three repetitions of "Can't see me, can't see me, can't see me." Hop, spinning to the left. Arms upraised and curled, like a sloppy beginner's version of Drunken Fist sloshing, except with palms out. Look left, take three steps to the right, feet alternating crossing in front and behind. Stop. Move head in circular motion while shaking the butt. Look right, take six steps to the left with feet alternating. Stop. Move head in circular motion while shaking the butt. Look up, take three steps to the right with feet alternating. Stop. Bend down with hands on knees. Shimmy butt while shuffling awkwardly in a full circle and chanting, "Invisible, invisible, invisible." Stop. Come upright with a spastic wave, hands flipping upwards so that the backs are against the chest. Whisper, "Can't see me!" Finally, mercifully, relax.

All seven Narutos, having passed through the entire spectrum of surprised->amused->amused+horrified, were clutching their sides and laughing until they choked.

Kagome-sensei waited for the blond to recover before saying, "Naruto, your turn."

o-o-o-o​

"That dance can't possibly be real," Naruto Prime grumbled to Mari. The two were in the center of the group on the theory that it was a good plan to ensure the safety of the genjutsu mistress who could disable a single opponent with a glance, and also the overpowered S-ranker who could make apparently infinite copies of himself in order to handle multiple enemies. The march order was: Kagome-sensei's wheelbarrow of seals and equipment being pushed by Kagome-sensei himself; two Narutos whose job was to jump to the front if there was a problem; Hazō and Akane as second-line melee; Mari and Naruto Prime; Noburi, whose Hozuki's Mantle jutsu could block almost the entire corridor in order to prevent attacks from the rear, and four Narutos. There had been some complaints that it was stupid for Akane and Hazō, the melee specialists, to be so far behind the front line, but Kagome-sensei had shut them down with a dismissive sniff. Surprisingly, the Naruto clones had backed him up, asserting that it was their entire purpose to put themselves between danger and their meatbag friends. No one had been sure whether to feel flattered by the 'friends' part, offended by the 'meatbag' part, or condescended to by the overly protective nature of the whole thing. In the end, everyone let it go.

"Seriously," Prime continued, "that's one of those 'sadistic master messing with their student for kicks' things, right?" He kept his voice down and one eye on Kagome-sensei, who was currently busy examining the floor of the corridor with minute care.

Mari shrugged, amused. "I don't know," she whispered back. "I will say that he does it every time they're doing research, so at least he's willing to go there himself. He's never made me do it before, but I've never been part of the research."

Naruto almost visibly remembered watching wide-eyed as Mari's lithe and voluptuous form transformed the ridiculous dance into something very...not-ridiculous. He cleared his throat and struggled not to blush. "Yes, well, I suppose it's good that he's consistent."

"Hmph," Kagome-sensei said, standing up and rummaging in his wheelbarrow.

"Anything wrong, sensei?" Hazō asked. He'd been doing his best to ignore the whispered conversation behind him and the distraction was welcome.

"No," the older man replied. "Just a bit of dried-out greenery. Probably got tracked in here by the ANBU when they cleared out this floor. Still, I'm not taking chances. Protocol Seven." He handed the relevant gear to a Naruto.

The clone, who styled himself Naruto Alpha XVII in self-proclaimed deference to the number of earlier Alphas who had occupied his position in the march order before running out of chakra and needing to be recreated (in utter defiance of the fact that there had not, in fact, been sixteen Alphas before him), sighed and slouched forward. He poured the lamp oil on the greenery, lit it on fire with a tiny kitchen jutsu, and pointed a Purifier seal at it in order to catch the smoke. Once the thing was completely reduced to ash, the clone carefully wiped up the mess with a rag and tossed the rag into a macerator seal.

"You know, you could just let us go first," the other front-line clone, said Naruto Gold III. (There actually had been two Golds before him, as well as a few other names.) "We're pretty good at spotting traps and if we miss something, so what? We'd move a lot faster."

Kagome-sensei treated the assertion with the respect it deserved. Which is to say, he completely ignored it and continued his slow, methodical progression forward.

So far, the entire 'exploring the horror dungeon belonging to the sadistic and amoral bioseal master S-rank ninja' had been shatteringly boring. It had taken six hours just to get ready, then eight hours of sleep because after the six hours of prep it was too late to start, then two hours for breakfast and ablutions, and finally twenty minutes to move through the known-safe basement- and sub-basement levels and into the DDGD proper. The first two levels of the DDGD, previously cleared by ANBU, had contained nothing except equipment too heavy or difficult to move, such as surgical tables with disturbingly strong metal restraints built in. It had taken four hours to go through each of those relatively small levels and another hour to get through the granite wall that was blocking the door down to the third. (This was the one where the ANBU had gone partway in, said, "Fuck this shit," walked out, and sealed the thing shut with a granite Earth Wall. The rumor was that all six of them had promptly gone to the Soggy Tag and made a reasonably successful effort to drink the place dry.)

Once exposed, the door had led to a flight of thirteen steps, a landing, and another thirteen steps zigzagging back from the first set. At the bottom was a door that opened onto a long straight corridor with doors on each side, roughly every thirty feet. The Gōketsu had spent the first hour of their invasion getting to the nearest door and the next hour waiting while Kagome-sensei searched the door for traps, locks, and extradimensional horrors. That was how long Naruto told them anyway; he had left a clone aboveground with orders to keep an eye on the clock in the living room and periodically summon a replacement before dismissing himself so that all the Narutos would know the time.

"Have to admit, when they said we were invading a bioseal lab, I didn't expect it to be this boring," Naruto Alpha said to Naruto Gold.

"Eh, I'm okay with it," Gold said. "It's like Master Tanaka wrote: 'Existence is a day lilly that blooms but once and then is dust.' I'm kinda enjoying existing. No reason to end it sooner than we need to."

Alpha looked at Gold dubiously. "We've never read anything by Master Tanaka. Gramps wanted us to but we always skived off."

Gold waved in airy dismissal. "You might not have read it, but I have."

"No you didn't! You utter liar! You were only created a few minutes ago!"

Gold sniffed. "Plenty of time. You don't know. Maybe I didn't want to waste my life. Maybe I wanted to better myself."

"I've been standing next to you the entire time we've existed!"

"Hrmph. Well, I'm sure Master Tanaka said something like that."

"I'm done," Kagome-sensei said, standing up.

"Idiot," Akane murmured from her current position to Hazō's left and half a step behind.

Hazō whirled on his ex-girlfriend-slash-current-sister. "Akane!"

"What?" she asked, confused.

Hazō became aware that he was now the target of every desperate-for-a-distraction eye in the group. And also Kagome-sensei's. "Nothing," he mumbled.

"Can we open the door now?" Naruto Gold whined. "Please? Sage but I am desperate to actually see something other than a corridor before I pop."

"One sec," Kagome-sensei said, stepping back and pulling a steel-reinforced blast shield out of a storage seal. He positioned it carefully to ensure that it would protect everyone, and then called "Okay, go ahead."

"Finally," Naruto Gold muttered. A spinny blue vortex of chakra appeared in his right hand and he took position beside the door, his casual attitude falling away to reveal the trained warrior he was. Naruto Alpha and Naruto Pepperoni (one of the clones from the rear group) stacked up behind him while Naruto Dragonlord stood on the far side of the door, one hand near the latch. Once everyone was in place with a Rasengan active, Pepperoni tapped Alpha on the shoulder. Alpha tapped Gold, Gold nodded to Dragonlord, Dragonlord yanked the door open, and the three-Naruto clearing team went in at chakra-boosted speed.

And promptly came charging back out, falling to their knees and puking up everything they'd ever eaten.

"What's wr—urk!" A nasal hellstorm hit Hazō in the face and suddenly he was too busy gagging to talk. It was as though Tsunade had gone on a week-long bender of lupchanzen piss, vomited it all out on a blood skunk such that the beast drowned, then left it to marinate in the sun for a few days until its digestive gasses caused it to swell up and rupture, spilling half-cooked skunk shit, rotten blood, stomach bile, and spoiled lupchanzen-piss alcohol everywhere. Except much, much, much worse.

Weakly, he fumbled at his facemask and activated the Usamatsu's Glorious Life-Saving Purifier. The sudden burst of howling wind cut the scent but roared so loudly in his ears that it was hard to hear. Around him, everyone else had done the same and was struggling upright.

"Is there a threat?!" Hazō shouted to the clearing team as he moved to them and pulled Purifier seals out of his pouch to replace the ones in their facemasks. He made a mental note to figure out a design that would let you puke while wearing the thing without tearing the Purifier. He activated the seals and set one next to each clone's head. "Is there a threat?!" he shouted again.

Pepperoni weakly rolled his head back and forth in negation. He probably also mumbled something, but Hazō couldn't hear it over the rush of wind across his ears.

Grimly, Hazō pushed himself to his feet and turned to the door. What could possibly be so bad as to cause an experienced ninja like Naruto to vomit?

  • Descriptions of the results of extreme medical experimentation, where the descriptions are intended to be emotionally impactful and indicate that the experimentor was a psychotic bastard and not someone to emulate
  • Descriptions of fantastical creatures that are designed to be visually and/or morally disturbing
Don't follow this if you found the description uncomfortable. If you're okay with it, continue on.

o-o-o-o​

After what they had just seen, the group universerally agreed that they would close the door, bang in some doorstops (Kagome had an entire crate of the things) to make sure nothing escaped, and then they would retreat to the previous floor and have a meal and a break. Before they left, Kagome-sensei insisted on cleaning up all of the vomit and using harsh lye soap to scrub the floor where it had been. "You don't leave parts of yourself lying around near crazy-people seals," he muttered. This insistence had been met with loud objections which Kagome-sensei had stoically ignored. In the end, Naruto became exasperated with arguing, so he flooded the hall with clones and told them to grab a scrub brush.

"Idiot," Noburi muttered from behind Hazō.

Hazō spun around. "What did I do?"

Noburi looked up. "Huh?"

"You called me an idiot," Hazō said.

"I didn't say anything," Noburi protested.

Hazō rolled his eyes. "If you're regretting being here, you can just go back."

"I'm not regretting anything," Noburi said. He glanced towards the door they had just emerged from. "Well...maybe a few things. And I'm probably not going to sleep for a week. Still, I'm not objecting. If anything, I'm more determined at this point. That was disgusting but...." He paused and shook his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but if I look at it coldly enough I can see some real uses for that research. A completed version of it could save a lot of lives. If there are notes anywhere in here, I want to find them."

Hazō sighed. Of course Noburi was thinking of peaceful, healing applications of what they had seen. Hazō was the one who couldn't help but think of how weaponizable it was.

"Come on," he said tiredly. "Let's get that break and then see if we can find anything useful down here."





XP AWARD: 5

This update covers about 24-ish hours.

There will be no voting unless @Velorien opens it.
 
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Chapter 300: Consistent Characterisation

A/N: You can make crossed-out text easier to read by highlighting it.

-o-​

"Dispel!"

Nothing changed, at least as far as Hazō could perceive. The rest of the New Orochimaru's Terrifying Dungeon Investigation Expedition whirled around instantly.

"What is it, Hazō?" Kagome-sensei snapped. "What did you see?"

"There's something wrong with Noburi, Akane and Mari."

Akane took a step back. "Wrong how?" She swept her eyes down her body quickly. Her voice rose. "Wrong how?"

"I think your behaviour's been compromised," Hazō quickly explained to forestall the incoming panic—or, more likely, to turn it into a different, worse, kind of panic. "Noburi, Akane, you both called me an idiot behind my back. Mari, you called me a coward. It's not like you to say something like that out of nowhere."

"Hazō, I told you before," Noburi said. "I didn't call you an idiot. I'd like to think I've got more tact than that."

"Me neither," Akane said, her expression not particularly changing from its look of alarm. "Hazō, I'd never say something like that about you, you know that."

"Why would I call you a coward?" Mari asked. "I'm a badass elite jōnin, and even I'm getting the creeps walking around this place. And that's not counting that… what we just saw a minute ago."

"Hallucinations," Kagome-sensei grunted. "Figured it was only a matter of time."

"You did?"

"Mind does dumb things to cope with constant pressure. Especially when the pressure's life-or-death. 's why a smart sealmaster always makes sure to take breaks. Better question is, are we talking common-or-garden 'we're all going to die' hallucinations or 'something with too many tentacles is softening up my brain before it has a nice meal' hallucinations?"

"How do we tell?" Hazō demanded.

"We don't," Kagome said. "Not yet. Right now, could be that you're the one thinking of yourself as an idiot—maybe for suggesting we go down here in the first place—or that you're thinking of yourself as a coward for feeling scared after seeing… that. Which is why we're taking a break. Hazō, you go to the front. That way, if you hear a voice telling you to kill us all, you have to make your way through the Narutos first. Anyone else feel their brain being invaded, you shout. Top of your lungs. Standard protocol."

"Gee, thanks," Naruto Gold muttered. "I get to be first in line when Hazō snaps and becomes a mind-controlled serial killer."

"Not funny," Hazō muttered. "See how you like it when you're the one questioning your sanity."

"For the record," he raised his voice, "this had better not be a prank. This is incredibly not the time for pranking."

"Not pranking!"

"Not pranking!"

"Not pranking."

"Not pranking."

"Not pranking!"

"Also for the record," Naruto added, "Wondering if you're still sane is nothing special. Everybody does it.

"Hey Hazō," he added, "did you ever actually see anyone's lips move? I mean, even if you're not trained in lip-reading, you must know what somebody calling you an idiot looks like."

"No," Hazō admitted. "Also, screw you."

"In that case, why don't you do it like that? Just ask people to repeat what they're saying every time something seems off. Since even I'm putting the pranking off until we get back to safe territory—though the interest on that is racking up—it ought to make things slightly safer all round."

"Hazō, if it keeps happening," Kagome-sensei said, "we're sending you back up top since you're most likely the one compromised. Then if anyone else starts noticing people acting out of character, we call mind control and make an emergency retreat. Everyone got it?"

-o-​

"Clear!"

In the end, Hazō didn't hear any more unprovoked imprecations. The rest of the team would look at him suspiciously every now and again, but then admitted to looking at him suspiciously when asked, which sadly was an improvement on the previous situation.

The new room finally featured some loot—an impeccably clean set of surgical tools, if largely unrecognisable, and evocative of the legendary Hundred Tortures of the Bloody Mist. Hazō honestly wasn't sure whether to keep them for Noburi, give them to Kabuto to earn his eternal goodwill (and maybe bribe him into changing his mind about backing up the expedition), or sell them to T&I for a tidy profit.

"What's that you've got there, Mari?" Noburi asked.

"Oh, nothing," Mari said casually. "Just a set of notes I found next to that table with all the restraints. Completely undecipherable, though. May as well throw them away."

"Actually," Hazō said, "I think I'd like a look at those. Orochimaru was crazy, not stupid. Anything in here could prove to be a useful hint."

Mari handed over the scroll and left the room. Hazō opened it and glanced at a random section.

"The water is cold. Shockingly cold. Everyone is sniggering. They must have been betting on who'd be the last to figure out water walking. I feel like crying, but then she reaches out a hand to help me climb out onto the shore. "Why don't we practice together later?" In the background, the smirks turn to glares. She doesn't notice, and I suddenly don't care. August 13, 3 p.m.

A deluxe sword-sharpening kit. An Akimichi cookbook. A home-made apple pie which will have disappeared before I can get a second slice. Two different copies of the Third Hokage's Meditations on Mortality (I haven't the heart to tell them I've already got my own). A blue-and-white scarf she knitted for me. It hits me how many friends I've made at the Academy over the years. August 12, 5 p.m.

It was hard, but Gin and I finally talked things over. He confessed his jealousy. I confessed my fears. It took all night, and enough saké that I'll have the mother of all hangovers tomorrow, but it was worth it. To think I nearly lost my best friend over something so ridiculous. August 15, 3 p.m. Final.

The last of the path gems, a radiant white, rolls into the Sage's Mouth. Behind me, I can hear my nephews cheering so loud they're drowning out everyone else. Grandma shouts that she'll be expecting grandchildren within the year. I can feel myself turning crimson. Yukiko grabs my hands and pulls me in for a deep, passionate kiss, right in front of the priest. Then, even through the new burst of cheers behind us, I can hear her whisper in my ear. "Boy or girl?" August 13, 12 p.m.

I finish drinking the liquid. Within a few minutes, the pain fades to nothing. I can't remember the last time I felt so good. You ask me how I'm feeling. You tell me that there's going to be just one more experiment. After that, I'll finally be free. August 13, 9 p.m.


Not chronological."

-o-​

The next few rooms were sadly (happily?) unremarkable. Some rooms with enormous rust-coloured splatters of dried liquid on the floor. One room they blocked up instantly after hearing a hissing which could have been invisible gas. One room with a table with the restraints locked as if there was still someone in them (but no sign of any such). One room with an operating table and a catalogue of organs next to it, a few unknown to the team (even Noburi), as well as a postscript noting the need to replenish the sixth-floor chemical storage. One room…

"No obvious threats, boss," Naruto Pepperoni called out from around the corner. "Just a desk with a bunch of papers on it."

Finally. So far, all they'd found was a couple of cryptic sets of "notes to self" next to disturbing medical tools. If they could get their hands on a master set of records, detailing the experiments Orochimaru had performed, or the locations of useful items, or at least a few hints at threats to watch out for…

Hazō prepared to move in.

"Lessee," the clone said. "Hey, these aren't text. There's a just a bunch of freaky-looking drawings. Could be seals, maybe? They don't look like any seals I know."

Yes! Finally, something valuable!

Except, wait. Seals.

"This one diagram's looking kinda like…"

"Get back!" Kagome-sensei barked. "If it's active, it could be proximity-triggered.

"SOP for unknown seals," he added, "you get somebody to look at it from safe range, then copy it down and take it back for the sealmasters to study. You don't touch the thing itself."

"Forget that for a moment," the Naruto clone said. "Did we bring any rations? I think I could do with some meat."

-o-​

You have earned 2 XP.

-o-​

What do you do?

Voting ends Saturday 17th of August, 9 a.m. New York Time.
 
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Chapter 281: Brain-Eating Monstrosities and the Taste of Blood

"Dispel!" Hazō whispered, pulsing his chakra in order to break any genjutsu that might be affecting him. In the past this had never made any difference, nor did it now.

What did it say about your life when you frequently found yourself hoping that some sadist and/or trickster was manipulating your fundamental understanding of reality?

"Seriously, guys," the Naruto clone called, walking back into the hallway with some papers absently clutched in one hand. "I'm really hungry. Can we call it a day and go get some yakitori? Or maybe some gyutan? This place will still be here tomorrow, amirite?"

"Pepperoni," Hazō asked, stepping back as he spoke, "are you joking around or are you actually hungry for meat?"

Naruto Pepperoni looked at him in puzzlement. "What? I'm seriously hungry."

Hazō stepped back farther, using one arm to scoop Akane along with him. "No one pop that clone," he said. "He's potentially been mentally compromised by looking at the seal, and the effect might transmit back to Prime along with his memories."

Stillness reigned in the corridor.

"Don't be ridiculous," Naruto Pepperoni said witheringly. "I didn't touch it or anything. I know enough about seals to know they can't affect you just from looking at them."

"Then you don't know squat," Kagome-sensei said. "You can make a seal that triggers off practically anything. Visual observation is damn hard, but I've heard it done. Besides, I told you not to touch the papers. Why are you carrying them?"

Naruto Pepperoni frowned in confusion, then glanced down at the wad of papers in his left hand. "Huh," he said. "Didn't realize I'd picked those up. Anyway, let's focus on the critical part: I really need to eat something. If you're worried about me being compromised, I can go a ways down the corridor. Let me get some food in me and then we can do whatever tests you need in order to feel safe."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Noburi demanded. "Kagome said don't touch the seals, but you did. Not only that, you brought them out here to us—don't show them to us!" He straightened up from the instinctive flinch caused by Naruto Pepperoni starting to offer the papers to the group. "C'mon, man. Think. You weren't hungry before you went into the room, now you're craving meat."

Hazō sidled carefully over to Naruto Alpha and held out one element of an Earth Dome seal. "Take this," he whispered. "If he tries anything, slap it down and activate it to catch him in an Earth Dome."

"You know I can hear you, right?" asked Naruto Pepperoni, bemused. "I mean, it's big for a hallway but not that big."

"Uh...right." Hazō shuffled nervously across the hall and held out the other half of the Earth Dome seal to Naruto Gold. "You know what to do."

Naruto Pepperoni rolled his eyes and sat down cross-legged before carefully folding the papers up and tucking them away in a belt pouch. He then pulled a set of storage seals out of a different pouch and started thumbing through them. "There," he said, not looking up. "Not threatening, just hungry. Ah, here we go." He unsealed three separate box lunches centered around beef and started hoovering up the meat as fast as he could.

"How can a shadow clone even eat?" Noburi demanded querulously. "Y'all aren't flesh and blood."

"No, but we're very good copies," said Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk, having come up from the rear of the party along with his companion, Naruto Tablecloth. (Upon creation, Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk had taken great pleasure in spelling out his chosen clone name, repeatedly specifying that there were no spaces and emphasizing that shortenings or nicknames were a violation of his UnknownWarriorCode (which, again, had no spaces) and would result in horrific hematomae being visited on the bodily integument of anyone attempting such.) "We eat, poop, pee, puke, sweat, sleep—in fact, we do all the squishy things you lot do. Well, except bleeding. Very hard to make us bleed because anything that would do that will probably pop us. Anyway, the squishy stuff isn't usually an issue, since we don't typically stick around long enough that we can't hold it. Still, Prime generally tries to hit the loo before he makes us." He sniffed disdainfully. "You meatsacks and your...biology. So gross."

Naruto Pepperoni had finished the meat in his dishes and shoved the rest of the food away untouched before hunting through his storage seals again. At the end of Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk's speech, Pepperoni looked up in interest.

"Pepperoni, is the craving for human meat?" Hazō asked carefully. "Am I looking tasty right now by any chance? Because a seal that turns anyone who sees it into a violent cannibal is exactly the sort of thing this lab has led me to expect."

Naruto Pepperoni cocked his head in thought at the question. "I mean...I don't particularly want human meat, but the idea doesn't bother me too much." He frowned. "That's a problem, isn't it? I'm pretty sure that should be bothering me."

"Yeah," said Naruto Prime. Hazō was not reassured to hear the note of uncertainty, perhaps even worry, in the voice of the S-rank ninja whom Jiraiya the Epic Badass had said he could probably beat. "Yeah, that's something we should be worried about. Pepperoni, remember when Itachi nailed OtterSoup with those eyes and it spread to the rest of us? Whatever has affected you could hit the rest of us when you pop."

"Jiraiya once said that identity matters with seals," Hazō offered in a tone that clearly said he was grasping for straws of reassurance. "Naruto Pepperoni isn't you...his experience and awareness diverged after you created him. Maybe it wouldn't affect you."

"Three to one, no limit," Mari offered.

Mutters of "no bet" went around the group.

"Until we can figure out how to get you free of this, we need to make sure you don't pop," Noburi said, unslinging his barrel. "How are you doing on chakra?"

Naruto Pepperoni waffled one hand. "Not close to dying just yet, if that's what you're asking."

Noburi started to dip some water out of his barrel but stopped when Mari placed a hand on his arm.

"So long as he's not in danger of running out, let's not power him up," she said.

"Oh, please," eyerolled Naruto Pepperoni. "What, are you worried I'm going to attack you and you'll need to fight me off? Well, that's definitely not going to happen. At all. I wouldn't want to eat my friends." He cocked his head in thought, paused for just barely long enough to be terrifying, then shook his head. "No, definitely not."

Hazō still didn't like the way the brain-hacked clone was eyeing him.

"How long will he last without additional chakra?" Akane asked Naruto Prime.

"Less than a day," Naruto Pepperoni replied. "I'd rather not get too specific, and it varies anyway." He produced a bowl of beef ramen and started plucking out the meat.

"Hopefully we can extend his life with regular chakra infusions," Noburi said. "Pepperoni, let us know when you start to feel even slightly low on chakra."

Naruto Pepperoni gave him a thumbs up with his left hand. The right was busy shoving meat into his facehole.

"For now, everyone give him some meat from your supplies," Mari said. "Best if he isn't hungry while we're figuring out what to do."

"It's a problem of his intrinsic humors," Noburi asserted, even as he dug around in his storage seals. "Bodily functions are regulated by bile and blood. It's not really my area, but I think it's probably an excess of bile. If we could either extract some of it or put more blood in him then we could fix it."

"He already said it's hard to make them bleed," Hazō pointed out, also looking for beef-based food in his pouches while keeping one eye on Naruto Pepperoni. "I assume that would apply to bile extraction as well." He tossed a couple of seals over to Naruto Pepperoni. "Here. Beef yakitori, sesame beef, and beef with broccoli and carrots."

"Thanks," the clone said gratefully, scooping up Hazō's offerings as well as those of the other party members. He popped the seals open and grabbed handfuls of the meat, shoving them into his mouth and swallowing them with the most minimal chewing consistent with not choking.

"Take the seal out and put it on the floor, face down," Kagome-sensei said grimly. "The rest of you, get back."

"Sensei, what are you doing?" Hazō asked. "You can't look at it or we'll be trying to fix you as well."

"It's done its thing," Kagome-sensei said. "It should be expended. If I study it now then maybe I can figure something out. How it works, at least."

"Sensei," Hazō said carefully, "you said yourself that visual triggers are insanely hard, which means complex. No one could figure out a seal like that in less than a day, much less come up with a counteragent."

"Can't be helped. Losing me doesn't matter in comparison to having The Nine-Tailed Fox rampaging around craving human flesh."

"Excuse me," Naruto Prime said, annoyed. "Kurama is quite thoroughly chained up in my belly."

"Uh-huh. Hey, you! Clone! Put the seal on the floor, face down."

Naruto Pepperoni swallowed the current mouthful of meat to clear his mouth. "I have a name, you know." He sounded annoyed and resentful. "You shouldn't call me 'hey you' or 'clone'. It would be like me calling you 'hey, meatsack'. Rude."

Kagome-sensei grunted and pointed at the floor in front of Naruto Pepperoni. "Now."

"He's the SSO and this is a seal problem," Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk reminded his brother.

Naruto Pepperoni sighed but pulled the papers out of his pouch, riffled through them, and set one on the floor in front of himself before going back to his feeding.

"Scoot back," Kagome-sensei demanded, divesting himself of his pouches, rings, belt, and shoes. He unlaced the thongs that traveled from his shirtsleeve up over his palms and around his index finger in order to keep his sleeves from sliding back, then started to remove the shirt portion of his CHAOS suit. As ordered, Naruto Pepperoni scooted back without looking up from his food.

"Uh...sensei?" Hazō asked. "What are you doing?"

"Disarming," the older man grunted. He pulled the shirt over his head to reveal pasty-white flesh, a slight pot belly, and a six-piece leather harness across his torso that had a chain of seal designs covering every inch of it. A separate harness was wrapped around each of his forearms, although those only had seals on the back of his arm. He began undoing the various buckles.

"What is that?" Naruto Dragonlord demanded.

"Blast harness," Kagome-sensei grunted. "Can't be wearing it when I look at that seal or I might flip out and kill you all."

Naruto Tablecloth snorted. "Uh-huh."

Kagome-sensei stopped and turned to the clone.

"I'm a sealmaster," he said calmly. "We're at close quarters. Do you honestly think I couldn't kill your fleshsuit if I wanted to?"

Kagome-sensei, Intimidation: ? + all the Thousand-Yard Stare Points + tag "In the Middle of a Seal Disaster" + 4dF = ?

Naruto Tablecloth, Resolve: ? + 4dF: ?


Naruto Tablecloth took a step back.

"'Fleshsuit'?" Naruto Prime asked, annoyance in his tone. Narutos Dragonlord, Alpha, Gold, and Tablecloth shifted slightly, closing ranks in front of their creator even as Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk took two slow steps to the left in order to be at Kagome-sensei's back if the older man turned to attack Prime. Naruto Pepperoni ignored the byplay and continued desperately gulping down meat.

Kagome-sensei also ignored the movements of the clones, going back to unbuckling his harnesses, folding them neatly and setting them down atop his shirt. He then started to undo his pants.

"Really, sensei?"

The sealmaster grunted even as his pants hit the floor, leaving him dressed only in eye-searingly tie-dyed red and lime-green boxers with yellow polka dots...and another leather harness that covered his thighs, shins, and calves in seals. "Don't worry," he said, bending over and undoing the buckles. "I'm just doing the leg harness. I won't bother with the rest of it."

"'Rest of it'?" Naruto Dragonlord asked, both eyebrows going up. "Dude, you're in your skivvies and your nothing. Where would you...you know what, never mind."

"Good call," Mari murmured.

Kagome-sensei finished undoing the buckles on his leg harness, carefully unwound it, and set it on top of the rest of his clothes. He did not step out of his pants, leaving them around his ankles as impromptu leg shackles that forced him to shuffle carefully as he moved to the hopefully-expended seal and picked it up. He turned to face the group, holding the paper to his chest like a card player worried about cheaters. He tipped the paper out just enough that he could peek down at its contents while turning his head and leaning away from it with his right eye closed.

"Are you okay, sensei?" Hazō asked after a moment. "You're not thinking about eating us or anything, right?"

"Nope. Throat's a little sore, but it was like that before we came in here." He shuffled back to his pile of clothing and sat down with the grunt of a man upon whom middle age had already snuck up, then began strapping the harness back onto his legs.

"Any idea what's going on with the seal?" Mari asked.

Kagome-sensei shook his head, not looking up from where he was checking to make sure that the harness was snug. He pulled the pants up, arching his butt up so that he could get them on, and fastened them in place, then picked up the torso harness. "No such luck," he said. "The only part of it I recognize is a Furakawa gamma node, but it's got twelve separate connections coming out of it. I've never seen one that had more than five, and that one was so unstable that we gave up on it."

"Look, I already said it's a blood/bile imbalance," Noburi said. "All we have to do is get some more blood in him, or remove some bile."

"How do we do that?" Mari asked. "He'll pop if you put a needle in him."

Noburi ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He brightened. "Hang on! He wants meat? Okay, let's give him meat. Raw meat, soaked in extra blood."

"Founds p'ty goo'," Naruto Pepperoni mumbled with his mouth full. He swallowed. "Nice and raw, right off the bone, still dripping red...yeah. Yeah, that sounds amazing." He looked down at the well-done beef strip in his hand and hurled it away in disgust. He stood up by simply straightening his legs out of the cross-legged posture. "Absolutely. C'mon, we need to do that."

"Noburi, I do not wish to question your expertise," Akane said. "But if this is a purely physical issue then there's no issue. When Naruto Pepperoni pops his body will dissolve and whatever imbalance there is will cease. The only actual danger is if the issue is with his mind or spirit. In that case, when his memories united with Naruto Prime, Prime might be infected."

Mari shifted her weight and sighed. "I can fix it," she said reluctantly.

Everyone turned to her in hope.

"How so?" asked Naruto Prime.

"I have a forbidden genjutsu called Truth Lost in the Fog," she said. "It not only allows me to control the target's perception of reality, but I can make it erase their memory of its use, all the way back to a few seconds before the technique began. If I start the technique and then Pepperoni pops, I can remove the memories he sends you."

Prime stepped back, fear in his eyes, and quickly turned his head away. The clones leaned forward, anger flashing off of them as Rasengan appeared in their hands.

"You are not fucking around in his head," Naruto Gold growled. "Not after what ShitEyes did. Try it and we will end you."

"Look down, right now," Naruto NightRavenDarknessSpawnTheUnknownWarriorMonk added, no trace of humor or tolerance in his tone. "If you cut so much as one single handseal, we'll paint you across half this corridor."

Kagome-sensei was on his feet in a flash, chest harness three-quarters fastened. Hazō watched his teacher's hands come up, blast rings loaded and thumbs in firing position. Kagome-sensei had barely started to move when Narutos Dragonlord and Tablecloth were on him. Dragonlord's Rasengan vanished so that he could grab the sealmaster's left hand in a vicious ikkyo grip. He spun, dragging the taller man down to the ground facing away from Naruto Prime. Naruto Tablecloth came down from above with Rasengan in hand—

And then both Narutos were gone as Kagome-sensei's blast rings went off and turned the clones into smoke and dust. Kagome-sensei hit the ground hard and on one shoulder as he tried to roll but couldn't tuck fast enough. The breath went out of him but he still managed to flop over so that one hand and his line of sight were facing back the way he'd come.

"Stop!" Mari shouted, jumping in front of the group with arms outstretched to the side as a barrier to the Narutos who were surging forward and her body in the frantic sealmaster's line of fire.

Kagome-sensei's hand twitched to the side when he saw his protectee in the way, his palm facing the wall. The threat removed, the Narutos froze in place...including Naruto Pepperoni, who had put aside his food at the threat to his creator and now had one knee on Kagome-sensei's back and a Rasengan next to his head.

"Everyone stop," Mari said calmly. "Just stop. Naruto, I give you my word that I will never use any genjutsu on you without your clear and enthusiastic consent in advance. Now, please let Kagome go. Kagome, stand down."

Naruto Pepperoni looked up to check with his creator and got a nod.

"Those rings? Nice trick, but it won't work again," the clone hissed in Kagome-sensei's ear.

"I've got others," the sealmaster grunted. He yelped in pain as Naruto Pepperoni slapped him in the head with the hand that moments earlier had held a swirling vortext of chakra capable of chewing through human bone or solid bedrock with equal ease. Still, the clone released him and stepped back.

"Now, let's talk about this like grownups," Mari said. "Naruto, there's no need for childish threats or mistrust. Kagome, there's absolutely no need for violence. Can everyone keep calm or do we have to have a time out?"

"Multiple Shadow Clone Technique," Naruto Prime said, placing his fingers in a cross. The hall was suddenly filled with clones, two or three dozen at least. No sooner had they appeared than one vanished.

"I'm calm," Naruto Prime said, although he still did not meet Mari's gaze, choosing instead to stare at her center of mass.

"We're calm," the clones said in terrifying synchronization.

Kagome-sensei grunted and looked around at the swarm of young blond ninja that encircled him.

"Good," Mari said, blithely ignoring the humming tension that insinuated itself through the air like invisible threads. "Now, let's talk about this. Pepperoni, how are you feeling? Still hungry?"

"Yeah," the clone replied, not looking away from Kagome-sensei. "I'm bloated, but still hungry. And you're starting to look pretty tasty—up bup bup! None of that, old timer!"

The sealmaster growled, but his hand stopped moving.

"Kagome-sensei, we'll all die if you use your harness," Hazō said carefully.

Kagome-sensei grunted in annoyance but did not move.

"Naruto, do you agree that Pepperoni's condition is dangerous and getting worse?"

Naruto Prime glanced at his clone; his face twisted in annoyance. "Yeah."

"Do you agree that it's possible that Pepperoni's condition will affect you once he pops?"

"...Yeah."

"And that would be bad, right? Dangerous to everyone else in Leaf and possibly to yourself as well?"

".......Yeah."

"All right. We have three ways of dealing with this. None of them are guaranteed to work. First, we could keep feeding Pepperoni and hope the effect wears off. That doesn't seem likely, since he's still hungry even after putting down what looked like a pound of beef. Agreed?"

Naruto's face soured, but he nodded.

"Thank you. Second option: Feed him lots of bloody meat. Noburi suggested that he's got too much bile and not enough blood. How exactly does that happen due to a seal? Did blood vanish from his veins without affecting him in any other way? Storage seals can't absorb liquids that aren't in a container. Did bile appear in his networks? You know how squirrely storage seals get when there isn't a lot of room around them, so think how hard it would be to conjure substances inside a human body. For that matter, there's no way to know if shadow clones even have blood or bile, so how likely do you think it is to work?"

Naruto's face grew even more sour. "Not very."

"Have him drink it," Kagome-sensei said.

Many eyes turned to him.

"Have him drink it?" asked Naruto Prime in disbelief. "Like, drink blood?"

Kagome-sensei shrugged. "Why not? Not going to be much blood in meat. Not sure I believe that getting it in his stomach would fix the issue, but it's worth trying. I've got five gallons of blood in the wheelbarrow."

"Why do you—never mind." Naruto Prime shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Noburi, any reason you can think of not to do this?"

"Uh...no."

"Sealmaster, if this is a trick then everyone in this hallway who isn't me is going to die." He glanced around at the appalled Gōketsu clan. "No offense, folks. I know that you're the only thing he cares about. If he thought I was a threat to you then he wouldn't have any problem dying as long as he took me with him. If he knows that you'll die if he does anything, there won't be an issue." He shrugged. "Book of Uncle Jiraiya, Lesson Three: As long as he believes that I'd do it, I won't have to do it." He glanced around to make sure that no one was about to make any poor decisions. "Pepperoni, get the blood and drink up."

Naruto Pepperoni grimaced. "C'mon, Boss. That's gross. Meat with some blood? Sounds delish. Straight blood? Yuck."

"Less bitching, more drinking."

Pepperoni let out a sigh that would have done credit to any sulky teenager ever and moved to the wheelbarrow. Four separate Narutos guided Kagome-sensei to his side without ever touching him or giving him room to move more than a step at a time.

Kagome-sensei reached carefully into the wheelbarrow and pulled open one of the small boxes that lined its interior. He brought out a seal; all the Narutos leaned forward, Rasengan in hand.

"Calmly," Mari said.

Kagome-sensei glowered at the Narutos, then activated the seal and handed a bulging wineskin to Naruto Pepperoni. The clone made a sour face before unstoppering the thing and taking a whiff. His eyes suddenly went wide and he immediately started sucking as hard as he could, squeezing the bag to get the blood out faster. Trails of thick, crimson liquid dribbled out the sides of his mouth, oozed down his cheeks, and dripped onto his uniform.

Finally he stopped and lowered the bag to his side, gasping for breath. His belly was actually bulging.

"That was fucking amazing," he growled. "If I could have another mouthful without puking, I would. Still hungry, though."

Glances were exchanged among the humans.

"Well, that didn't work," Mari said. "Third option. I am not going to do anything unless you agree. I'm just going to talk about it. Okay?"

"Fine."

"Akane was right: If the problem is purely physical then it won't affect you when Pepperoni pops. If it's mental or spiritual, it might. If I can prevent you from receiving the memories when Pepperoni pops, that should prevent you from being affected. Right?"

"You are not doing that," said one of the newly-conjured clones. "Under no circumstances."

"Shut up, whoever you are," Naruto Prime said.

"Boss!"

"Look, I get that you want to protect me. It doesn't help against something like this."

"We could go find a Yamanaka," Hazō noted. "I don't know if they can remove memories, but they could look into Pepperoni's head and see if there's some way to undo whatever is there."

"That would involve leaving the basement," Akane said. "Exposing the rest of Leaf to this danger would be most unyouthful. The only good thing about this place is that in the absolute worst case we can bring the roof down so that we are all trapped here and no one else is at risk."

Naruto Prime rubbed his jaw, clearly psyching himself up like a man about to dive through the ice.

"Hey Boss," Naruto Pepperoni said slowly. "You said that I should be bothered about the idea of eating people, right?"

Naruto Prime sighed. "Do it," he said, locking his eyes on Mari's.

"Hey now," Naruto Pepperoni said, raising his hands in objection. "Don't I get a say in this?!"

"No. Mari, do it now."

Naruto Pepperoni desperately put his fingers in the shape of a cross and cried out "Multiple Shadow Clone Tech—" but was cut off by four other clones leaping on him Rasengan-first. Simultaneously, every shadow clone in the area jammed a Rasengan through its own head and vanished. The resulting smoke clouds filled the corridor with choking grit.

Naruto Prime spasmed, his whole body cracking back and forth like a whip once, twice, thrice, but his eyes stayed locked on Mari's.

Hazō could feel the air humming with tension for long seconds until finally Mari blinked and stepped back. Naruto collapsed to the ground, but still managed to find the energy to make a cross and gasp out, "Multiple Shadow Clone Technique." A dozen clones appeared and hurried to form a circle around their progenitor. All of them were swaying on their feet and it was an open question how useful they would have been in a fight. Fortunately, not even Kagome-sensei felt like testing it.

"Naruto? How are you feeling?" Hazō asked tentatively.

"Ugh."

Everyone waited nervously.

Seconds passed.

"Seriously, Mari?" Naruto Prime mumbled. "A meadow full of kittens?"

The redhead shrugged. "I wanted something relaxing and non-threatening."

"I hate kittens. Psychotic little buzzsaws with fur."

She chuckled. "I'll make it puppies next time. How are you feeling?"

Naruto pushed himself up to a sitting position and two of his clones helped him to his feet. He took some deep breaths and nodded to them gratefully. "Feels like I just went ten rounds with Gai, but I'm not hungry and I don't remember what drinking blood tastes like."

Everyone sagged in relief.

"Uh, guys?" Noburi asked suddenly. "I just thought of something. There were two of you in the genjutsu. How do we know that whatever that was didn't affect Mari?"





XP AWARD: 0 (including brevity bonus)

Author's Note:
The crux of this plan was "[Have Hazō-the-character-which-really-means-the-QMs f]igure out how to fix it before allowing the clone to pop", which is why there is no XP award.

It's late, so I'm going to stop here instead of doing the thing that I had prepared in response to @Oneiros's complaining[1] suggestion that there had not been enough danger and brain-eating monstrosities. I'll give the idea to @Velorien and let him write your doom run with it if he wants to.

There will be no voting; there are no significant decisions to be made and Naruto feels the need to prove how tough and unbothered he is by continuing on instead of turning back. (Well, it's @Velorien's update next, so he can obviously choose to open voting if he wants to. Still, I say no voting.)

[1] I kid, I kid. About the 'complaining' part, that is. Oneiros was very nice about it. Still, I agree that there's plenty of room for more brain-eating monstrosities.
 
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