AN: In which
@Zeroth Jupi and
@kinigget overshoot the mark.
100 Mob Psychos
Some days it didn't pay to awaken from a backlash induced coma. Well, less a coma and more an involuntary nap, but the point still stands. How was anyone supposed to know that people would react badly to getting knocked unconscious, from getting punched in the brain? Madness! Then again it might be a perfectly logical conclusion and Kriem was rambling in panic. There was a dude with a FLAMING BARREL chasing them! Excuse the interdimensional living bureaucratic SNAFU for panicking.
"Where are we going!?" Kini yelled.
"Somewhere else!" Kriem yelled back.
"That's really descriptive!" She snarked.
"I don't have a plan for this!" He yelled.
"More of them are coming!" Kini pointed over his shoulder.
"I know that, Kini. That's why I'm running away!" Kriem explained in exasperation.
"You're a vampire! Can't you like...I dunno...fly or something!?" Kini waved her arms wildly.
Kriem almost stopped in shock as the idea honestly hadn't occurred to him. Flight was one of his powers. Feeling like he just lost five Wisdom points, Kriem left the ground. Already he felt better about things. The angry mob down below couldn't fly. At least he didn't think they could. Were rings of flight a thing around here? Boots of jumping? Now he was starting to freak out again.
"GET THE UNDEAD!" Barrel Man roared and threw, yes threw, the flaming barrel right for the retreating vampire.
"Who the fuck throws a barrel!?" Kini screamed.
"Ah fuck! A barrel guy with good aim!" Kriem winced as the gunk in the flaming barrel coated his back. He had to turn to shadow to make the substance fall off before it caught Kini. The girl in his arms yelped as for one moment she actually fell into his torso.
"Bwah! What the fuck…!?" Kini yelped.
"Hellsing style vampire! You know what? You're actually safer in there," Kriem realized.
"Isn't the guy who penetrates the woman?" Kini dazedly asked.
"Get in my belly!" Kriem finished, well, taking Kini into his shadowy body.
{How am I breathing?} She asked.
"Do you really want to ask questions about how this works now?" Kriem asked.
{...Point.} Kini decided to just watch the view of Kriem's shifting shady insides. Exciting. {It's almost like a lava lamp in here…}
Now that Kini was safe it was time to take stock of the situations. Barrel Guy somehow had another barrel. Was that his magical power or something? Was there a discount flaming barrel warehouse he never knew about? Next city he went to he would look for one. Probably punch the owner in the dick. There were the generic villagers with pitchforks. Flaming pitchforks lost a lot of their intimidation factor at two in the afternoon. Especially when one was completely out of range.
...Why were they wheeling in a ballista?
"I swear to...fuck...who do I swear to? I mean God doesn't really apply and the only other deity I know is Terra...well Aqua too...and now Wiz I guess…" Kriem was babbling as a new surge of panic started up.
{You're a vampire, right? Do something supernatural! Scare them off!} Kini's shout helped to focus him.
Do something supernatural and scare them off? Sure. He could do that. With that command he brought both hands above his head to form the Spirit Sword. Then he made the sword bigger, bigger, and bigger still before changing the shape to a greataxe. The crowd looked horrified as his massive axe was on full display. He cast his hands down and let the Spirit Axe fly for the ballista. It struck the construct with shuddering force and caused part of the street to buckle.
{Now THAT is how you throw an axe!} Kini cheered.
"Well fuck me...It worked," Kriem watched in amazement as the crowd scattered. Clearly terrified of his mighty axe. Even Barrel Man was reduced to shaking his fist angrily before retreating.
{How the fuck did we end up in every monster movie cliche ever?} Kini asked.
"I have no idea," Kriem said. He released Kini into his arms, his Demon looked him over in confusion.
"You're...kind of naked right now," she said calmly. Too calmly.
"I think it was the napalm barrel," Kriem replied.
"Could be. Maybe that's why they ran away? Afraid of your war hammer," Kini smirked.
"If anyone asks? That's the story we'll use. They were frightened off by my war hammer," he smirked back.
"So...where did Useless Goddess, Best Lich, and Boob Goddess go?" Kini looked around for the missing Goddesses.
"That is weird. Where's Joe?" Kriem looked around.
"Keeping whackos from summoning Celestial Servants to whack ya!" Joe appeared as if by magic. It probably was by magic, given the circumstances.
"How did you manage that?" Kriem asked.
"Summoned imps to steal their underwear," he said proudly.
"That's the best you got?" Kini didn't really look impressed.
"Figured the fewer people who were hurt the better. Let's not look like total monsters, right?" Joe remarked dryly.
"Good thinking, Joe. Now where is everyone else?" Kriem looked around slowly.
"Well Wiz ran to the graveyard for sanctuary. No one willingly follows liches into graveyards. Aqua ran to the Guild to report the matter. Coverin' your pasty vampire ass. While Terra…" Joe trailed off.
"What happened?" Kini asked.
"She found the asshole who stirred up the lynch mob. He probably wishes he was dead at the moment," Joe stuck out a flaming tongue to point at the city square.
There was a man dressed in the vestments of a priest of Eris, bent over as in stocks. He was immobilized by thick branches around his neck, wrists, ankles, and around his torso. Kriem's eyesight was good enough to spot the three inch thorns near the sensitive tissues. Terra looked absolutely furious.
"Right. Pissing off Terra is Bad. Got it," Kini nodded slowly.
"Clothes, Kriem. Clothes," Joe said.
"Freedom is mine! The sun has no hold over me anymore!" Kriem howled in triumph.
"And you're crazy. You finally snapped. Great. I'm the sanest person on the team now. That is not a good thing!" Joe raged.
"Sanity is overrated," Kini waved a hand disinterestedly.
"Your boytoy is flappin' in the breeze," Joe said. She looked Kriem over absently.
"I don't see the problem," she shrugged.
"It's times like this I wish I had a body. Banging my head off a wall would be sooo satisfying right now," Joe sighed.
"The last time he tried to get a body it was a Frankenstein mash of corpse parts," Kriem explained.
"Oh let the disembodied head have a body. Sheesh. No one will miss a few corpses," Kini shrugged.
"Ehhh...Wiz doesn't like it if I desecrate the dead…" Joe waffled.
"Oh, then nevermind. Best Lich should be obeyed. Cuddled too," Kini did a complete 180.
"Hey! Get down here you three!" Terra called up.
The trio landed before the Nature Goddess.
"What did you find out?" Kriem asked.
"It's bad. Her followers contacted Eris about the psywave. Eris has gone to the other cities and told them of a 'fell plot by vampires and undead.' Aqua's trying to petition her followers to talk their brothers and sisters down, but it's not working. For some reason, Eris is known to her followers, but Aqua...isn't," Terra grimaced.
"Well when you're a lazy Goddess who sits on your butt…" Kini was suddenly cut off as Kriem put a hand over her mouth.
"Honey? Now is not the time," Kriem said.
"Sorry. I'm still really scared…" Kini curled up in his arms and shivered.
"Yeah...So am I," he said softly.
"We have to get out of here," Terra said.
"What about the Guild?" Kriem asked.
"They're petitioning other guilds for backup, but Eris' followers already spoke to the capital. We don't know whose side the King will choose, but he's not a strong ruler," Terra sighed.
"Usually the way of Kings in a fantasy setting. Either they're a good and just ruler, and dies in the prologue, or is a weak-willed wimp who is killed by his evil chancellor," Kini shook her head.
"Where do we go?" Kriem skipped past the exposition.
"Wiz has a place near the edge of the Demon King's territory. She knows it's intact because the warding runes weren't triggered," Terra said.
"Isn't that a bad idea? I mean...if you're coming with us...you're a Goddess. He's bound to know you're there," Joe protested.
"As long as he doesn't wantonly destroy nature, I've left him alone. I would prefer if he wasn't there, but we've rarely opposed each other," Terra said.
"Huh. A Neutral Goddess?" Kini looked surprised.
"I'm Nature, honey. Nature is neither kind nor cruel, it just is. However he probably remembers the last time he called me out…" Terra's eyes glowed bright green as a grin spread across her face. It was like looking into the pit of the world itself. The sheer vast age of planets. She ended the effect shortly after.
"Y-yeah...That sounds like a wise decision...I mean it was wise to not challenge you anymore…" Kriem nodded like a bobblehead.
"When someone's domain is 'Nature' you don't fuck with 'em," Joe agreed.
"I'll stop calling Aqua useless," Kini beamed as if to make herself too cute to yell at. Terra patted her head.
"She can be useless, but she can also step up when it's needed," Terra said.
"Put some pants on already!" A passing woman yelled.
"Barrel Guy burned my last pair!" Kriem hollered back.
Terra seemed to realize that Kriem was now a practicing nudist. She snapped her fingers and a pair of short shorts and a brief top appeared.
"Let's avoid offending some prude's sensibilities," Terra smiled wryly.
"My freedom! Gone!" Kriem wailed to the uncaring sky.
"He went native. Somehow the insanity of Konosuba has infected his brain completely. I'm...not sure how I feel about this…" Kini blinked.
"Climb on the crazy train. Get on board," Joe snarked.
Kriem spent the rest of the walk to the Guild humming 'Crazy Train.' Dang it Joe.
"How are we going to get there?" Kini asked.
"Motorcycle-kun!" Kriem pointed at the valiant steed awaiting their return.
"Sweet ride. One problem," Kini said.
"What's that?" Kriem asked.
"How are we all going to fit?" Kini asked.
"Good question! ...I dunno," he shrugged.
"We can borrow Aqua's cage again," Terra suggested.
"Didn't that get broken?" Kriem asked.
"I bought her a new one. Since, y'know, Darkness…" Terra shuddered.
Kriem and Joe shuddered as well. Kini did it too to the shock of the two males.
"What? I've watched the anime! She's a superfreak!" Kini exclaimed.
"If we borrow Aqua's cage she might not get it back," Joe said.
"Can we just get a cart? Why do we need a cage?" Kini asked.
"Tradition!" Kriem, Joe, and Terra cheered.
"Oh Hell," Kini summed it up perfectly.
Kazuma and the rest of his merry band of misfits rushed out of the Guild at their approach.
"Is it true that you're leaving?" Kazuma asked.
"Sorry buddy, but I have to be on my way. Axel is too hot for us now," Kriem laid a hand on his shoulder.
"No more wild rides in the cage?" Darkness asked.
"Too soon, Darkness. Too soon," Megumin patted her hand awkwardly.
"Explosion Loli can deadpan," Kini deadpanned.
"Wiz is waiting for you at the graveyard. You can take the cage. I don't need it now," Aqua stood up straight. She gazed at Terra sadly.
"Sorry, Aqua," Terra hugged her friend tightly. The Arch Priestess/Goddess winced and gasped.
"Too tight! Too tight!" Aqua tapped out.
Darkness respected the mood.
"Sorry, Kazuma. I can't teach you anymore," Joe lamented. The girls all had the same look on their face at that. A look that said "Thank Goodness."
"I'll take your lessons with me until my dying day," Kazuma swore.
"Try any of that NTR stuff and your dying day will be swift and at my hand," Kriem said dryly.
"One time! I swear!" Joe groaned.
"Yeah...He did live by the sword and die by the sword…" Kazuma realized belatedly.
"That pun was dreadful…" Kini facepalmed.
"Pun?" Megumin asked.
"Slang term for a man's...manhood," Terra translated.
The stares directed at Kazuma would have vaporized lesser men. Good thing he was an Isekai protagonist according to Kini.
Once more the cage was hitched to the motorcycle. It was time to fly before the army came. At least, the army might come, as it was they might have to deal with frickin' Barrel Guy again. The issue came with deciding who sat in the cage. When it was mentioned that Wiz would have to sit in the cage, Kini practically jumped inside.
"Try not to bounce them around too much. We don't need to see if any of them...enjoy it," Terra shivered.
"Yeah...Let's just go pick up Wiz and get out of here…" Kriem decided to leave that topic behind a wall of solid Nope.
Wiz met them at the gate of the graveyard. She spent a solid minute staring at the cage and motorcycle. Kini helpfully waved to her, and even helped the Lich inside.
"Take a seat and hold onto something!" Kriem called back.
"Eep!" Wiz squeaked.
"Not so hard! More gently!" Joe ordered.
"...Let's just go," Terra facepalmed.
Kriem wisely did NOT turn around. Some things were best left unknown.
Motorcycle-kun picked that moment to gun the engine and take off like a shot. Good thing too as a blast of holy fire completely immolated the area they just left. Kriem held on tight as the very...spirited...motorcycle took things into its own handlebars.
"When did it get a mind of its own!?" Terra blurted.
"Ehhh...I like my creations to have some personality. It just needed some blood to wake up!" Joe exclaimed.
"What if it turns on us!?" Kini exclaimed.
"Why would it do that? It's as loyal as a horse!" Joe called back.
"Horses have been known to throw their riders!" Kini shouted back. She fell over sideways as a particularly energetic bump knocked her over. Wiz was alert and valiantly used her bosom as a landing pad.
"Why are we complaining when the motorcycle JUST SAVED OUR LIVES!?" Kriem hollered back.
"Fly you fool!" Terra yelled even as she kept her eyes peeled for another attack.
"...Hmmm...fly, huh…?" Kriem pondered. There was the power he used to take out the Demon Knight or whatever the fuck he was.
Kriem sat forward with a manic grin as shadows started to cover the motorcycle and cage.
"Oh not this again!" Terra groaned.
"What is this?" Wiz asked.
"We're going inside Kriem now?" Kini blinked.
"Brace for Ludicrous Speed!" Joe cried.
The shadows finished engulfing the vehicle and melding them together in the blackness. Kriem hit the 'gas' and took off into the sky. A sonic boom rocked the ground as the motorcycle went supersonic.Terra would deny it forever but she screamed with delight. Wiz and Kini ended up plastered against the rear of the cage. Luckily the Lich was between Kini and the bars. The G Forces would have been a bitch.
"You mad mothafucker!" Joe yelled.
"Channeling Samuel L. Jackson now, Joe?" Kriem grinned.
"Mothafucker…" Joe moaned.
"Which way do we go, Wiz?" Kriem asked. Without the wind rushing past they could talk normally. Now if only that crazed vampire grin would leave Kriem's face…
"Oh we overshot that a few minutes ago," Wiz smiled.
"We went PAST it?" Kriem asked incredulously.
"The Demon King's territory wasn't all that far from Axel," she said.
"So...well...the ocean is below us…" Terra looked over the edge.
"The ocean?" Kini blinked.
"We were weeks from the ocean! Oh! Land ho!" Terra cried.
"Kriem! Slow down you mad mothafucker!" Kini demanded.
"She stole my mothafucker," Joe remarked.
"I wonder if we could go around the world like this…" Kriem mused.
"You might want to land. Your spirit energy is really low and so is...uh...Motorcycle-kun's," Wiz said helpfully.
"So that's why I'm feeling dizzy! Good to know!" Kriem beamed.
Motorcycle-kun was forced to take command and bring them in for a landing. Unfortunately it was less of a landing and more of a controlled crash. The darkness enshrouded vehicle slammed into the dirt and tumbled end over end, turning into a ball of shadow. Kriem had enough presence of mind to make it like safety foam. The ball of shadow smacked into the side of a mountain at approximately three hundred miles per hour.
Birds and animals for miles were driven off by the sound.
Consciousness returned to the crew of the Good Ship Motorcycle-kun. Kriem was face deep in Terra's cleavage, whose head was in Kini's armpit, who happened to have Wiz in her lap. Joe was perched atop Kini's head like a demented Christmas Star. Attempts to extricate themselves were met with increasingly...well...bizarre contortions.
"If I move my arm...and you move your leg...maybe...Ouch ouch ouch!"
"Groin...groin…"
"Who is wiggling their fingers!?"
"Sorry…"
"...I didn't say stop…"
"How did I get stuck in Wiz's robe!?"
"Joe!" Everyone shouted.
"It's not my fault!...This time."
5 Hours Later…
The tangle was finally cleared. Kriem got plenty to eat. It was hard to get him untangled because he passed out from energy loss midway through. That was a lot of fun (not) as apparently Kriem's type of vampire goes Revenant when they're too hungry. It took Terra and Wiz intentionally booting Kini out of the ball of limbs to spare her. He tried to feed on Wiz but there was no blood. So Terra threw herself on the grenade once more.
Just one problem.
There was no Aqua to help Terra with the aftermath of Kriem's feeding.
"Can a Goddess get…?" Joe started to ask only to get smacked by Kini.
"Keep it clean," Kini ordered.
"Freedom!" Kriem emerged from the pile sans pants. Then got hit in the face with his shorts. Freedom denied again.
"Okay...We better open the bubble and see what's outside. I don't think I recognized where we landed…" Terra said.
As the shadows parted it was clear their arrival had consequences. It looked like a rock slide had fallen down around them, rubble strewn across the clearing. The forest was thick and the air felt colder than Axel. There was also the small matter of men dressed in heavy armor, armed with halberds and swords, standing in a ring around their crashed vehicle.
"Can't we catch a break?" Terra facepalmed.
Judging by the stern looks on the soldiers' faces? No.
