Come forth
@Zeroth Jupi and witness the madness!
The Horribleness of Shopping
Beds were certainly better than the seat of a motorcycle for napping. Kriem was pretty sure that without a vampire's resistances he would have saddle sores on his saddle sores. Even better was that he had his own bed. Just because he was stuck in a cliche didn't mean he had to allow them to rule his life. He looked over at the other bed to see how Terra was doing. The green haired goddess was already sitting up and stretching.
Without her shirt on.
Kriem facepalmed as his track record went down in flames. More poorly disguised porn cliches were invading his life. He would not give up, however. He would endure this latest trial. Even if he had, somehow, become the straight man in all this. Curiosity struck. Give in to his curiosity or continue to bemoan his fate? It was too tiring to worry the whole time anyway. He turned to look at Terra again.
"What are you doing?" Terra asked.
"I was just curious if you were muscular or not. The point card said your strength and constitution were really high," Kriem replied. She looked down at her torso.
"Pretty muscular actually," she confirmed. Kind of an understatement. Terra had the kind of well proportioned muscle definition athletes would kill for.
"Nice tone," he nodded.
"She's still topless," Joe spoke up.
"That she is," Kriem acknowledged.
"Yes I am," Terra nodded.
The skull seemed more unnerved by how reasonable everyone was being. He scooted along the nightstand until the back of his skull was against the wall. That, more than anything, made the whole scene worth it as trolling friends was fun! Terra shook her head.
"Honestly we're adults here," Terra shook her head and climbed out of bed.
"Time to get up I suppose…" Kriem sighed. Sleep was a gift while wakefulness was cruelty. He felt a little parched which only served as an annoyance. Terra was getting her clothes ready for the day. The vampire decided she should at least be dressed before he mentioned being hungry. No need to give Joe any more ammunition.
He didn't have extra clothes. That would have to change today. His second least favorite thing was shopping. Kriem briefly made the sign of the cross and chuckled with morbid amusement. A vampire able to make cross symbols. That would never get old. He ruffled his hair while walking by the full length mirror before freezing. Kriem took a step back and moved his arm again. The person in the mirror moved their arm too.
"Oh no. This isn't possible. How can a vampire have a reflection. Did we get that out of the way? Good," Kriem deadpanned as he witnessed another impossibility. He was just casually breaking all the rules of the vampire. At least he could see his appearance and…
"Man I'm pretty," he said in a passable Johnny Bravo voice. Thick white hair that flowed to just past his shoulders framed a heart shaped face. Ruby red eyes shone with life which was another irony. The living dead weren't supposed to be so alive. He checked his chest and approved on general principle. At least an E Cup with hips to match. Proportional was always better than the overfilled balloons that showed up in anime.
"What are you looking...at…" Terra stopped just behind Kriem and stared in the mirror. She stepped closer until her chin was on Kriem's shoulder. The green haired goddess took in the unusual sight of a vampire with a reflection for a moment.
"Like what you see?" Kriem asked dryly. She finally stepped back with a sigh of disbelief.
"I have no words...I'm supposed to be the expert but I haven't the faintest idea of what to do. How do I research this? Whatever…" Terra blinked as she took in Kriem's gleaming eyes. "Are you okay? I didn't invade your personal space too much...did I?" She asked in concern.
"Sorry Terra but I didn't eat yesterday," Kriem apologized. Terra made an 'o' of understanding.
"Well we have time before the shopping trip," she pulled her shirt back from her neck.
The annoyance of constant thirst was overtaken by gratitude. He could put off shopping even longer now! After all a hungry vampire was a dangerous vampire or something. Oh and he was thankful for Terra. Can't forget that. Even if she wasn't helping things with how much she was 'enjoying herself.'
Damn vampire hunger and sexy cliches.
Kriem made himself feel better by turning his longer hair into short ponytails that flipped and flopped over his shoulders. He spent some time amusing himself by just turning his head. There was plenty of time for goofing off as Terra needed a bit of space 'alone' to 'recover.' Mental airquotes were fun! Besides trying to deal with a frustrated goddess wouldn't be fun at all. Kriem tucked Joe under his arm like a football and walked downstairs to the tavern.
Kazuma looked up from his place at the table. The team of friends(?) were sitting with their heads together over a parchment. As he drew closer it looked to be a list. Judging by some of the things he saw it was a wish list. Right away he mentally scrapped about half their list. No way was he buying anyone a 24 karat gold anything unless it was actually practical. Maybe if it was enchanted to withstand the heat of dragon fire or something but otherwise? Ha ha ha...right.
"If it isn't practical I'm not buying it and that's final," Kriem headed them off at the pass.
"What about something pretty?" Aqua pouted.
"If it shoots fireballs or something, y'know, useful? Maybe. Otherwise no dice," he dug in his heels.
"Maybe I could talk Terra into asking...Be right back!" The blue haired goddess waved before running upstairs to pester Terra. Kriem could have warned her about his companion's current state but what did he care?
"Why isn't she wearing underwear?" Kriem asked in a seeming non sequitur.
"I never asked," Kazuma waved it away.
"What do I care?" Megumin shrugged.
"I thought she was a masochist like myself...just with a subtly different bent. She likes the discomfort of not wearing underwear," Darkness said.
"Pffft...Wow. You guys are dumber than a sack of rocks. Seriously. Aqua's a goddess of a religion who doesn't believe in denying themselves pleasures. Try to educate yourselves, dumbasses," Joe snarked. Kriem coughed in his fist to cover up a laugh.
"Ahem...Now Joe...try not to use up all your snark at once...I-It's not worth it…" Kriem coughed again as another laugh threatened to escape.
"I couldn't allow so much concentrated stupid to go unchallenged," Joe said. Kriem bapped him on the skull lightly.
"How do you know all this stuff anyway?" Kazuma asked.
"Didn't the skull come with you?" Megumin asked.
"He was in the saddlebag of the motorcycle I asked for but that is a good question. How do you know all this stuff?" Kriem asked.
"Was it a tragic story?" Darkness asked solicitously.
"Hardly. I got caught with Don Marco's wife and pumped full of lead. Somehow I ended up in front of that blue haired goddess, Aqua. She gave me the chance to come to this world and I took it but I wanted my bike. Turns out I had the luck of fools and the talent to be a 'wizard.' I even ran with the Demon Lord for awhile but the guy was kind of a prick so I left. He was an even bigger prick about finding me with his wife and well...Here I am," Joe would have smirked if he had lips.
"What the Hell," the general consensus was that Joe was either awesome or an idiot. Kriem thought he went out like a rockstar. The good and the bad parts.
"You slept around a lot didn't you?" Kriem asked rhetorically.
"Just doing my part for the future of the human race. Even if they weren't all human," Joe proclaimed proudly. Kriem very carefully set the skull down and backed away. Too much Joe time.
"Tell me your secrets Joe-sensei!" Kazuma scooped up the skull with a worshipful look.
"Stick with me kid and I'll make you great!" Joe promised.
Kriem mastered the double-facepalm headdesk. He was truly talented indeed. Megumin shuffled away from the happily chattering pair of boy and skull. Disturbingly it looked like Darkness was inching closer.
Kriem needed a third hand! Double-facepalm just wasn't going to cut it now.
"Sorry Aqua, but unless it's necessary you will just have to do without," Terra apologized as she came downstairs with the other goddess.
"Oh that's fine. It wasn't that important," Aqua waved it off easily. The two were arm in arm and giggling together like old friends.
"What happened…? She's...pleasant…" Megumin practically hid behind Kriem with that revelation.
"That, Kazuma, is someone who has game. You need game. Just try to avoid Demon Lords and Mafia Dons…" Joe continued his instruction of the willing student. Kazuma was taking notes. Kriem was going to burn those notes. Even if Joe gave a warning it was clear the lad would not heed them.
"Did Aqua finally...mph!" Darkness was suddenly silenced as Kriem covered her mouth. The blonde eyed him balefully.
"Ask that question and someone might answer. Could you live with yourself?" Kriem asked dryly. Darkness took a moment to think about it before mutely shaking her head. He removed his hand.
Kriem would not be responsible for derailing this trip any longer. The sooner they were done shopping the better. Like Hell was he going to be responsible for this going on another day. The only thing worse than shopping was two days of shopping.
"Let's get some breakfast before we go," Terra suggested.
"Okay!" Aqua chirped pleasantly.
The non vampires needed to eat normal food. Kriem just had to endure a breakfast amidst the insanity. At least Joe wasn't being a royal jerk to Kazuma's team. He was torn. On the one hand the subject of their discussion was disturbing since, y'know, it was how Joe died. Twice. On the other hand he wasn't bashing strangers. Kriem would just have to talk to him later. Too much nastiness could turn friends to enemies.
"What's wrong?" Terra asked quietly.
"Did you know that Joe died twice from stickin' his dick in it?" Kriem asked sardonically.
"Disease?" She asked.
"Jealous husbands," he replied.
"Weird guy…" Terra shook her head. She eyed Kriem a moment before asking, "Not going to ask?"
"Have fun?" He asked.
"Yeah," she nodded.
"Feel better?" Kriem asked.
"Much," Terra replied.
"That's all I care about," he smiled faintly.
"Best wingman ever," she gave him a half hug.
His skills were improving it seemed. He was once more a wingman without his knowledge. How did he manage it this time? As he looked around the table it was obvious. He managed to keep Aqua's friends from seeing what was taking her so long. Though he had to admit it was funny watching them act weirded out at her suddenly relaxed attitude.
The city of Axel was busy during the day as adventurers made their way to and from work. Most of the traffic was near the gate. Kazuma lead them expertly through the crowds to the marketplace.
"Sometimes they have some really good stuff on sale. Aqua confirmed it's legit but even their prices were too much," Kazuma shrugged.
"Confirmed what was legit?" Kriem asked.
"Magic weapons and armor. We're trying to find Darkness a Hawkeye Bracelet to make for her crappy aim," he said.
"How bad is she…?" The vampire asked in concern.
"She can't hit the broad side of a giant toad from two feet away," Kazuma deadpanned.
"Does she hit her allies?" Kriem asked.
"Nope. She's a really good tank though. Since she's...well...a masochist who really likes her work," Kazuma turned a little red.
"Realistic masochist or anime masochist?" Kriem sighed.
"Anime," Kazuma replied.
"And me without my 'even the grim reaper is concerned' meme…" Kriem slumped.
"Sometimes the fail can't be expressed through mere words," he agreed.
The marketplace was busy with stalls crammed in every which way. It failed at order but excelled in character. At least that seemed to be the logic otherwise why have the fruit seller next to the apothecary? Kriem was mentally cursing his heightened sense of smell as strong scents flooded his nose. He now understand why vampires hate garlic. The smell was abominable!
"Ugh...My eyes are streaming and my nose is burning…" Kriem groaned.
"Just bear with it a while longer. We're almost at the merchant…" Terra spoke soothingly.
"I could make the smell go away!" Megumin offered.
"No!" Darkness, Aqua, and Kazuma all shouted her down.
"Why?" Kriem asked.
"Explosion creates an enormous pillar of magical energy that stretches to the sky. They said it was the only spell the midget knows," Joe replied.
"...I'll suffer," Kriem sighed. The big boom would make the smell go away but it would also make the city go away too. Aqua pressed a handkerchief to his nose. It felt a bit moist.
"Damp cloth to filter the smell," she said tersely before walking away.
"Aqua hates undead. You must have impressed her somehow," Kazuma thumped Kriem on the back.
"No snarking. Just breathing," Kriem sighed as his sinuses cleared up gradually.
"There he is!" Darkness pointed at an overweight man standing at a weapon counter. Swords lined the walls of his stall with a few axes standing up in a barrel. There were polearms holding up the cloth like decorative pillars. The man looked up at Darkness' call.
"Oh no! No browsing and getting my wares all dirty. Either you buy or you fly," he waved his hand dismissively. Kriem shook his head.
"Yeah screw this. Later," Kriem waved his hand back while making sure to 'accidentally' bump his money pouch. The pouch stuffed with gold jingled enticingly.
"Ah! My apologies miss! I didn't realize you were a customer…!" The merchant tried to dig himself out of the hole he was in.
"I was a customer but not now," Kriem shrugged.
"What are you doing?" Aqua asked. Terra pulled her back and whispered in her ear quickly. The blue haired goddess abruptly shut up. Darkness picked up on what was happening and started walking away. Kazuma and Megumin followed behind like befuddled ducklings.
"Eee...Thirty percent off everything in my stall!" He tried to salvage his screw up.
"Did I hear forty percent?" Kriem asked. The merchant winced even harder.
"Yes…?" He drew it out.
"I guess we could look," the vampire with the shiny gold decided.
By the time they were done the merchant was happy again. Kazuma got a shortsword that put enemies into a charmed sleep. Terra picked an axe that would take a Goliath to lift and did it with one hand. The only enchantment on it was to be unbreakable. Kriem found an arming sword that doubled as a casting tool. While he could make his own spirit swords without a focus, Megumin talked him into the purchase.
"Why waste all that mana when you can channel it through a focus?" She reasoned.
"Good point," Kriem agreed.
"Come back again when you need to upgrade!" The merchant waved. Kriem inwardly winced at just how hard his purse was hit. Just the weapons alone, even with the discount, were expensive. He used about half the money budgeted for this expedition.
"Armor next, maybe amulets or something, but I might need to make a withdrawal," Kriem hated spending money even when it was necessary.
"Seriously...Thank you for the help…" Kazuma said.
"Just pay me back in a timely manner and we'll call it even," Kriem regained his equilibrium. Business was business. Gratitude had no place here.
"Is she bipolar or something?" Aqua asked.
"Frugal," Terra replied.
"That doesn't explain the attitude change," Aqua deadpanned.
"Frugal past the point of rationality," Terra explained.
"Still…"
Kriem wisely tuned them out since it was probably going to be a circular conversation. Those were only funny on the first time around.
Armor shopping was a bust as Kazuma didn't have the strength or endurance to wear chainmail. Even a chain shirt would slow him down too much. It wasn't like in Dungeons and Dragons. Unless one was trained to wear armor it was too much of a hassle. He didn't seem too bummed out as there was still another shop.
"Wiz sells magic items. Some of them are weird but she has some really good wares," Kazuma explained.
"Stupid booby lich…" Aqua muttered peevishly.
"Booby lich?" Joe perked up. Kriem facepalmed. The skull was quiet for most of the trip. He had to pick now to tune in again?
"Yeah her name is Wiz. Aqua has a problem with her," Megumin said.
"Lich…?" Kriem wrinkled his nose. The first thought that came to mind was an ancient lich with sagging skin and rotten sacks of flesh like boobs. He shivered with revulsion.
He almost fell over when he actually met Wiz. The 'booby lich' looked like a beautiful young woman with expansive 'plot.' His dreams would be full of trying to figure out if this was a glamour or more anime logic at work. Maybe she chose to become a lich to remain young and beautiful?
"And this is Kriem. She's a vampire," Kazuma introduced him while he was woolgathering. Wiz tilted her head in confusion.
"Actually he looks like someone forcibly merged him with a female vampire. Is this a curse?" Wiz asked. Terra and Aqua both froze before turning as one towards Kriem.
"Oh they didn't…" Terra started to say.
"But it would make sense…" Aqua said.
"How did they manage…?" Terra asked.
"Perhaps they combined…" Aqua answered the half thought.
"Celestial bureaucracy I'm afraid," Kriem deadpanned. Wiz looked back and forth between the two goddesses.
"But this linkage here…" Aqua facepalmed.
"Maybe with an adjustment…" Terra suggested.
"If you're going to do that then maybe…" Wiz waded into the discussion.
Joe watched the women talk for awhile before his eye sockets started to glaze over. As the ninth dimensional math came into play Kriem decided to nope out of there. Wiz's shop had plenty of more interesting, and sane, things to keep his attention.
"I tried to keep notes but it was way over my head…" Megumin repeated a word she wrote down that sounded like blue light melting on the tongue. Kriem's eyes suddenly crossed as the word made sense and almost gave him a migraine.
"Don't repeat that in polite company. The Word of the Gods can kill mortals," Joe said dryly. Kriem and Megumin looked around for Kazuma and Darkness worriedly. Both of them were passed out on the floor having only heard part of what she said.
"How is she still alive?" Kriem asked tactlessly. Then again the massive migraine busted any fucks he had to give.
"I'm not human," Megumin said.
"You're special alright," Joe snarked. The Explosion Lass gave him the stink eye.
Kriem did the wise thing and left them to their argument. He moved Kazuma and Darkness to a fainting couch as the poor humans certainly didn't deserve a hard floor. With a weary sigh he decided to try and get this trainwreck back on track. His chances were low since it already derailed quite thoroughly but he had to try.
"...Or I could just say 'fuck it' and walk out…" Kriem mused. GTFO sounded like a good plan too.
"Kriem!" Terra called over. He waited too long to escape.
"Yes…?" He dragged his weary self over to the three magic users. Wiz touched his temple lightly ameliorating the effects of the migraine. "Just for that you're on my Christmas Card list."
"Christmas Card…?" Wiz blinked. Kriem just waved it away but managed a smile. The level of insanity was wearing on him but he would endure. Just a little longer.
"Try to go easy on him, Aqua. He's reaching his limit," Terra warned softly.
"Okay. So we figured out what happened," Aqua said.
"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Kriem sighed. Why else would Terra warn her to be gentle?
"Actually you might. There is a reason you weren't reincarnated properly," Aqua said.
"Your soul is stretched across two planes of existence," Wiz said softly.
"That sounds painful…" Kriem winced.
"At the moment we were speaking, after your accident, you were dead," Terra said.
"Which is how I was eligible for reincarnation," he said.
"Here is where it gets tricky. You already gave your soul to another," she broke the news gently.
"Uhhh…" That wasn't what he expected to hear at all.
"Yeah so we think what happened is that you were stabilized on Earth," Aqua grimaced.
"The person who holds your soul didn't let go and somehow you were kept alive," Wiz gave framework for the chain of fuck ups.
"I'm still alive?" Kriem stared at the three incredulously.
"You were fully 'dead' long enough to get put in the system. It really is my fault you ended up like this because the system was trying to reincarnate half a soul," Terra looked down sadly.
"Did you screw me up on purpose?" Kriem asked.
"Of course not! That would just be too cruel…!" Terra protested. Kriem pulled her into a hug.
"Then you're forgiven," he said. The green haired goddess returned the hug gratefully. After a minute of hugging Wiz cleared her throat.
"We're not quite through yet," she said apologetically. Kriem inwardly groaned 'what now?'
"There might be a way to send you back," Aqua smiled. He froze in shock. There might be a way to go home? It sounded too good to be true!
"What's the catch?" Kriem asked dryly. He grimaced at just how rude that sounded. No one seemed to mind.
"The catch is that we can't undo the tangling. You would stay a vampire/human," Wiz pouted sadly.
"Is that all? I don't care about any of that! I can go home! Who the fuck cares that I'll have breasts the rest of my life?" Kriem demanded in a mix of shock, disbelief, and hope. Politeness went out the window.
"Good. Since we got a glimpse of your body and...well...Ahem. Hamburger is less tenderized…" Terra winced.
"Did my demon see me yet?" Kriem demanded.
"Ah no...You can't have visitors...too many airborne pathogens…" Aqua said.
"So I'm Kriemburger extra tender and no one has seen me yet. Phew…" He sighed with relief.
"Now the bad part," Terra sighed.
"Epic Quest time?" Kriem asked impatiently.
"We need to perform a ritual to send you back. The problem is that we're going to have to make it from scratch. Not only that but we'll need supplies and we have no idea what exactly will work," Wiz said apologetically.
"Fine. Better than having no idea at all," he tried to tone down the impatience but it was a losing battle.
"We know one thing you need before we can continue," Aqua said.
"What's that?" Kriem asked.
"The heart of the Demon Lord," she replied.
Things just got more complicated…
"Or we could try to cast a soul reclamation without it," Wiz suggested.
Things were not as complicated…
"It might pull him back or tear him in half," Terra said.
Things were more complicated again…
"Maybe…"
End the chapter dammit!
"Argh! I'm turning into Neptune!"
A crow caws by the window.
