Author's Notes: This will be my second ever Friend Insert. For those of you unfamiliar with the...
Konosuba: My Life as a Vampire (FI)
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Once Bitten
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Author's Notes: This will be my second ever Friend Insert. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it's like a Dungeons & Dragons game with me acting as GM for a friend. @Zeroth Jupi is my incredibly eager victim. He hasn't seen Konosuba so I would please ask those familiar with the setting to put comments in spoilers.
Failure to comply will result in an immediate thread ban. This is not a drill.
For added amusement I'm allowing Jupiter's Twilight to start with a single perk. He's a vampire.
Pity him.
Konosuba: My Life as a Vampire
Once Bitten
Another day, another dollar. The young man known as Jupiter's Twilight on the forums, Kriemhild, or even Kriem, Kriemy, and Snugglepuss (use it on pain of death) was a hard worker. His job was to ride around in a truck all day and help deliver cars. Sounds simple right? Not really. All it would take is one loose strap and the whole thing could come crashing down.
As our protagonist discovered firsthand.
Ew….
Now why would the narrator bother with such a foolish person? It all has to do with one little thing. Some mortals, upon their death, are whisked away to a place between the realms of Life and Death. Thereupon finding a beautiful Goddess waiting for them to offer a choice. The requirements for said choice were difficult to fathom. So for the sake of plot contrivance we'll skip over that.
Kriem was face down on the ground in an empty void before a throne. The beautiful Goddess previously alluded to sat with one leg cocked over her knee indulging in an epic slouch. Not epic as in "amazing" such as "how lazy can this woman be?" She had long sea green hair and dark blue eyes. Her body was incredible under the brown bustier and green silk top she wore. Her legs were clad in tight leather pants and calf high boots.
"How long are you going to lay face down on the floor? I don't care really but I'm sure that can't be comfortable," she sounded incredibly bored.
"You'd be surprised by what people can find comfortable," came the snarky reply.
"Nice to see you have some spirit. Then again that's all you got at the moment," the Goddess smirked.
She didn't just have God only knows how many tons of metal fall on her. She could afford to be snarky too. Kriem mumbled something under his breath before heaving himself up to an Indian style sitting position. If she wasn't going to stand on ceremony that he wasn't either. Say what you will about being dead but at least aches didn't exist here.
"I should probably get the standard disclaimers out of the way. This isn't the afterlife. This is a way station headed for the afterlife. You don't have to die as you are one of the lucky few chosen for an 'Epic Adventure,'" she added air quotes.
"Uh huh and if I don't wanna do this 'Epic Adventure?'" Kriem threw back her air quotes.
"No skin off my nose. I don't paid on quota. I don't get paid period so frankly I think my job sucks. At least you get the option to gallivant around in a fantasy world of myths and magic," she had a faintly bitter tone to her voice. An unpaid worker was an unhappy worker.
"Basically an Isekai," Kriem deadpanned.
"Basically an Isekai," she agreed just as deadpan.
"I'm ROB's bitch, huh?" He sighed.
"Not really. You can just say 'screw it' and go to the afterlife. We're not jerks here," she muttered 'usually' under her breath.
"I heard that," Kriem stated flatly.
"Ahem. You will be magnificently compensated with anything you desire. Absolutely anything you desire," the Goddess said.
"I would feel better about listening to your sales pitch if I knew who I was speaking to," Kriem said.
"Ah right right...Bugger the script…" She started fishing around the side of her throne for something. Probably the script. Potato chip bags, candy, and even a handheld popped out.
"You need a script?" Kriem asked in disbelief.
"Some idiot made a wish that caused a major shake up in the upper heavens. Management flipped out and demanded a new set of guidelines be made. They changed a clause and I can't be bothered to remember that crap usually," she replied.
"Uh huh…" Kriem winced. Management was the worst. Often taking something that worked perfectly well and turning into something that didn't. Then blaming the workers when it inevitably failed before switching back to the old system disguised as an 'improvement.'
They called Satan evil.
"You get what I'm talking about. Never mind. If they have a problem I don't really care. I have seniority with the Goddess' Union," she waved it away as unimportant.
Somehow that didn't seem entirely wise to Kriem. Just a thought.
"Greetings mortal. My name is Terra and I am the Goddess of Planets. You have been chosen, through your actions in life, to help us save a world in mortal peril," she spoke with grace and dignity. A complete departure from before.
"I deliver cars for a living and spend my free time on online forums," Kriem stated dryly.
"Mainly we wanted someone who was actually genre savvy and had a level head," she shrugged.
"And you don't have people like that already?" He asked in surprise.
"Some idiot, back when we had a quota system, just kept ramming through whoever showed up in front of her. We're having to pick up the slack for her screw ups. Her replacement is more reasonable but is easily distracted by a lack of womanly attributes," Terra rolled her eyes. She didn't need to worry about 'lacking' at least.
"So...Slacker and a pettanko," Kriem said.
"Pretty much. As I said before we aren't trying to railroad you into being reborn into this other world. We're serious about doing what we can to ensure your survival and give you compensation," she said.
"If I wanted the Death Star?" Kriem asked half-jokingly.
"That's not a moon," Terra smirked.
Well that spelled it out nicely.
"Yeah that also says something about how dangerous this mission could be," Kriem noted.
"You are one of the mortals being sent to combat a powerful Demon Lord. Honestly with the number of mortals we sent, each one with rather impressive hardware, someone should have brought him down already," Terra grimaced.
"That doesn't sound right…" Kriem agreed. Either the Demon Lord was that powerful or the others were all screw ups. Considering what he already heard it was a safe bet the other Goddesses sent fuck ups.
"It's annoying. The people of this world have been crying out to us for salvation and it just isn't coming," her eyes lowered sadly.
He wasn't a hero but this wasn't exactly something he could overlook either. It was an awkward feeling. Wanting to help but not knowing just how to do so. The Goddess was offering anything he could desire if he would just go to this world to fight the Demon Lord. Kriem felt pressure weighing down on him. A light touch at his shoulder drew him back to the present. Terra was kneeling on the ground with a reassuring smile.
"No one is forcing you to do this. You don't have to go through with it. It's not fair that I'm putting pressure on you like this," Terra said quietly.
"It's not you. It's me. I have this annoying thing called a conscience and it nags at me," Kriem smiled sardonically even if the pressure was still there.
"What are you saying?" She asked.
"Yeah...I'll do it. I don't know what I can do to help but it's better than doing nothing," he rubbed the back of his neck. Terra smiled with true relief.
"Wonderful! What is it you desire? I am capable of granting anything at all," she enthused. It was nice seeing the tired Goddess so genuinely happy. Her beauty became positively radiant. A meme crossed his mind 'Protect Smile.'
The corruption was complete. He was ready to jump down the rabbit hole.
"I want a super easy maintenance Indian 841 with infinite fuel," Kriem said without hesitation. Terra blinked a few times in astonishment.
"You certainly don't waste any time. I must say that it was an inspired choice. Transportation is key especially where you're going. Super easy maintenance? The infinite fuel part is simple enough. Hmmm...Maybe regenerating parts...That's super easy, right?" Terra winked.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Kriem muttered to himself.
"Could be that you were trying not to be a 'pest' or 'ask for too much,'" Terra teased.
"No. I'm just that much of an idiot," he denied. The Goddess laughed and hugged him.
"That's funny. You...an idiot…" She shook her head in bemusement.
At least she was getting a laugh out of this. Progress?
"Whoo...Thanks for the laugh. It's about time you left," she smiled kindly.
"Guess I overstayed my welcome?" Kriem joked.
"Hardly. I hope more of my clients are like you," Terra said sincerely.
"Maybe upper management should give you a vacation," he said just as sincerely.
Both Goddess and mortal laughed as the chances of that happening were slim to none.
The laughter petered out into awkward chuckling.
Yeah. A vacation really wasn't happening.
There wasn't much more to say as Terra invoked the ancient words in a tongue Kriem couldn't identify. He felt himself rise into the air as the divine light surrounded him. His last sight was of Terra waving goodbye as he was consumed by the all encompassing glow.
His next sight was of a dirt path from extremely close up. He arrived face down. Again.
There was also another sensation that was harder to define. Like something squishy around his torso. It didn't feel bad just odd. Also the feeling of the sun on his head was starting to burn like the dickens. He quickly jerked his shirt up over his head but it left his lower back exposed. Then came the scent of something cooking. He let the shirt fall back down and rolled over.
Big mistake.
The giant ball of fire in the sky was apparently trying to roast him alive. He slammed his eyes shut tight but the sun continued to beat down like he owed it money. Kriem tried to get up, but in his haste he catapulted into the air, and landed face down in the dirt. Again.
Was the gravity here that low? He really hoped not.
"Ahhhh…!" A voice called from above. Kriem rolled onto his back again to try and see what was happening. He had a single moment to realize someone was falling before having his face mashed in cushiony softness.
The upside was the sun was no longer beating his face in.
There was no downside as apparently breathing was entirely optional.
"Oh sorry...Kriem!?" The startled voice of the Goddess Terra registered. She climbed off of him only for a sudden look of shock to cross her face.
"Terra what…?" Kriem started to ask only to get dive tackled to the ground again. Face taking up it's new residence in her cleavage.
"How in the Nine Hells did the reincarnation system screw up so badly!?" She demanded.
Kriem was pretty sure that was a Bad Thing.
"Oh dear...Oh my...Why does it have to midday? Okay...calm down Terra...you can fix this…" Terra muttered.
Kriem gave a thumbs up since his mouth was firmly covered.
"Okay...Access the system...Change parameters...What do you mean I don't have permission? Call tech support? Screw you! I'm older than all of those snot nosed brats in IT! Restricted access!? What bureaucratic cock up…" Terra continued to grumble dire things.
This whole breathing optional thing was great. He would recommend it to all his friends. Once he figured out how to get a wifi signal here.
"Let's try this…" Terra muttered. After a few moments she let out an 'Ah ha!' and sat up again. However Kriem's vision was once more obscured but this time by a white cloth.
"Okay...Mind telling me what's going on? I'm really confused…" Kriem trailed off as a distinctly different sound reached his ears. A foreign voice that sounded distinctly female came from his mouth. Unlike in anime this did not trigger the immediate reaction to give himself a chest grope. Actually the squishy feeling when he laid on his stomach made sense now. He nodded as that mystery resolved itself.
"Yeah so the reincarnation system messed up. Some idiot in tech support must have changed a decimal point or something. You were supposed to come back as a human of roughly your old proportions. At least that was the idea," she sighed.
"I'm not complaining. I just lost a lot of weight," Kriem pulled the cloth back and checked. Yep. Lost a lot of weight even if some of it migrated to his chest and hips making the fit of his clothes weird. Adjusting his belt made the pants easier to deal with and the shoes still fit. Mostly.
"You also switched genders and species," Terra deadpanned.
"Species?" Now that jerked Kriem up short. So it wasn't just that the sun had a man on for him? The species he was didn't like sunlight. Did that mean…?
"You became a vampire. A daywalker. Still considered a newborn as your magical power isn't strong enough to resist the sun fully. In fact what little magic you had was already spent keeping you alive," Terra sounded contrite towards the end. Kriem sat up and arranged the cloth (cloak) so that the hood fell across his face without obscuring his vision.
"Is that why you fell out the sky on my face? To save my life?" Kriem asked. A part of him was touched that she was such a professional as to insure that her charges survived. Terra winced tanking that idea.
"If I knew what happened I totally would have. That wasn't why I was dropped here," she said.
"That sounds ominous," Kriem remarked.
"The bad news? Management heard me smarting off about them and didn't like it one bit. I've been demoted until I learn some 'humility,'" Terra grimaced.
Yep. Typical management behavior. Blame the worker and not their own policies.
"The good news is that I'm not stuck in that endless void," Terra beamed.
"So in the process of punishing you...You've been rewarded with a vacation instead…" Kriem gawked.
"I can't call on a good chunk of my power but who cares? At least I was here in time to save your life," Terra smiled with relief.
"Life? I'm a vampire so...unliving?" Kriem didn't seem to certain of that now. How was he reincarnated as a vampire female anyway?
"You should be undead but the little toggle next to your 'life status' says 'living,'" she shrugged as if it wasn't important.
Truly Kriem was an amazing vampire. A living glitch. Kriem got a weird look on his face before checking something below the belt. Quick check completed and more weirdness. Terra stared at him for several moments.
"Did you just cop a feel of yourself?" She asked dryly.
"Someone in Celestial Bureaucracy needs to be shot," Kriem replied just as dryly.
Terra's facepalm summed up Kriem's feelings perfectly.
"Right. Okay. Let's at least make sure the motorcycle came through intact," Terra stood up. Kriem tried to join her only to overshoot the mark and launch into her torso. The expected anime trope failed to occur as Terra easily caught him and set the male female living undead vampire on the ground.
That was a lot of adjectives for one person.
Kriem adjusted the cloak again for maximum coverage before turning to look at his motorcycle.
"It's an Indian 841," she said.
"It's an Indian 841," he said.
It was, indeed, an Indian 841. Thankfully nothing went wrong with the wish. A quick check showed that it had 'saddlebags' with a leather jacket and gloves with an older motorcycle helmet and goggles. The riding gear clearly belonged to somebody named "Joe Maloney" if the tag inside the jacket was any indication.
"They didn't even make a new bike...Just boosted from some guy named Joe…" Terra facepalmed.
Kriem found a human skull in the saddlebags too.
"I found Joe!" Kriem held up the skull.
"Yeah you did!" The skull's eyes lit up with baleful fire.
Kriem yelped and tossed the skull up in the air a little too forcefully.
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhh…..!" Joe's voice heterodyned as his head flew up.
Terra started looking for a rock to bash her pretty head off of as it had to be more effective than merely facepalming.
"Sorry Joe!" Kriem called out. The surreality of the situation hadn't quite caught up to him yet. He managed to catch the skull on the way down with supernatural reflexes.
"I just saw my life flash before my eyes!" Joe exclaimed.
"You're already dead," Kriem deadpanned.
"Which makes it even more alarming!" Joe rebutted.
There wasn't much that could be said about that.
"Let's just go…" Terra sighed.
"Where are we going anyway?" Kriem asked as he set bounced the skull lightly in his palm much to Joe's displeasure.
"To the city of Axel. Home to all newbie adventurers," Terra said.
"I should probably warn you that my sense of direction sucks," Kriem said.
"I can only sense magnetic north," she admitted.
"Do either of you have a map?" Joe asked.
Vampire and Goddess chuckled nervously.
"We're doomed," he pronounced.
Kriem mounted the motorcycle with Terra climbing on behind him. He tucked Joe in the saddlebags. Thankfully Terra was wise enough to provide an instant learning magic. Either that or Kriem had another glitch he didn't know about.
That was a cheery thought.
"Let's find Axel," Kriem said.
"Right! I think it was over a hill…" Terra said as the motorcycle sped off.
Just over the hill behind them, nestled on a wide plain, was a fortified city with stout walls. The city of Axel. Home to beginning adventurers beckoned to all new adventurers to come. Sadly our protagonist failed to hear the call.
Pity him.
Failure to comply will result in an immediate thread ban. This is not a drill.
For added amusement I'm allowing Jupiter's Twilight to start with a single perk. He's a vampire.
Pity him.
Konosuba: My Life as a Vampire
Once Bitten
Another day, another dollar. The young man known as Jupiter's Twilight on the forums, Kriemhild, or even Kriem, Kriemy, and Snugglepuss (use it on pain of death) was a hard worker. His job was to ride around in a truck all day and help deliver cars. Sounds simple right? Not really. All it would take is one loose strap and the whole thing could come crashing down.
As our protagonist discovered firsthand.
Ew….
Now why would the narrator bother with such a foolish person? It all has to do with one little thing. Some mortals, upon their death, are whisked away to a place between the realms of Life and Death. Thereupon finding a beautiful Goddess waiting for them to offer a choice. The requirements for said choice were difficult to fathom. So for the sake of plot contrivance we'll skip over that.
Kriem was face down on the ground in an empty void before a throne. The beautiful Goddess previously alluded to sat with one leg cocked over her knee indulging in an epic slouch. Not epic as in "amazing" such as "how lazy can this woman be?" She had long sea green hair and dark blue eyes. Her body was incredible under the brown bustier and green silk top she wore. Her legs were clad in tight leather pants and calf high boots.
"How long are you going to lay face down on the floor? I don't care really but I'm sure that can't be comfortable," she sounded incredibly bored.
"You'd be surprised by what people can find comfortable," came the snarky reply.
"Nice to see you have some spirit. Then again that's all you got at the moment," the Goddess smirked.
She didn't just have God only knows how many tons of metal fall on her. She could afford to be snarky too. Kriem mumbled something under his breath before heaving himself up to an Indian style sitting position. If she wasn't going to stand on ceremony that he wasn't either. Say what you will about being dead but at least aches didn't exist here.
"I should probably get the standard disclaimers out of the way. This isn't the afterlife. This is a way station headed for the afterlife. You don't have to die as you are one of the lucky few chosen for an 'Epic Adventure,'" she added air quotes.
"Uh huh and if I don't wanna do this 'Epic Adventure?'" Kriem threw back her air quotes.
"No skin off my nose. I don't paid on quota. I don't get paid period so frankly I think my job sucks. At least you get the option to gallivant around in a fantasy world of myths and magic," she had a faintly bitter tone to her voice. An unpaid worker was an unhappy worker.
"Basically an Isekai," Kriem deadpanned.
"Basically an Isekai," she agreed just as deadpan.
"I'm ROB's bitch, huh?" He sighed.
"Not really. You can just say 'screw it' and go to the afterlife. We're not jerks here," she muttered 'usually' under her breath.
"I heard that," Kriem stated flatly.
"Ahem. You will be magnificently compensated with anything you desire. Absolutely anything you desire," the Goddess said.
"I would feel better about listening to your sales pitch if I knew who I was speaking to," Kriem said.
"Ah right right...Bugger the script…" She started fishing around the side of her throne for something. Probably the script. Potato chip bags, candy, and even a handheld popped out.
"You need a script?" Kriem asked in disbelief.
"Some idiot made a wish that caused a major shake up in the upper heavens. Management flipped out and demanded a new set of guidelines be made. They changed a clause and I can't be bothered to remember that crap usually," she replied.
"Uh huh…" Kriem winced. Management was the worst. Often taking something that worked perfectly well and turning into something that didn't. Then blaming the workers when it inevitably failed before switching back to the old system disguised as an 'improvement.'
They called Satan evil.
"You get what I'm talking about. Never mind. If they have a problem I don't really care. I have seniority with the Goddess' Union," she waved it away as unimportant.
Somehow that didn't seem entirely wise to Kriem. Just a thought.
"Greetings mortal. My name is Terra and I am the Goddess of Planets. You have been chosen, through your actions in life, to help us save a world in mortal peril," she spoke with grace and dignity. A complete departure from before.
"I deliver cars for a living and spend my free time on online forums," Kriem stated dryly.
"Mainly we wanted someone who was actually genre savvy and had a level head," she shrugged.
"And you don't have people like that already?" He asked in surprise.
"Some idiot, back when we had a quota system, just kept ramming through whoever showed up in front of her. We're having to pick up the slack for her screw ups. Her replacement is more reasonable but is easily distracted by a lack of womanly attributes," Terra rolled her eyes. She didn't need to worry about 'lacking' at least.
"So...Slacker and a pettanko," Kriem said.
"Pretty much. As I said before we aren't trying to railroad you into being reborn into this other world. We're serious about doing what we can to ensure your survival and give you compensation," she said.
"If I wanted the Death Star?" Kriem asked half-jokingly.
"That's not a moon," Terra smirked.
Well that spelled it out nicely.
"Yeah that also says something about how dangerous this mission could be," Kriem noted.
"You are one of the mortals being sent to combat a powerful Demon Lord. Honestly with the number of mortals we sent, each one with rather impressive hardware, someone should have brought him down already," Terra grimaced.
"That doesn't sound right…" Kriem agreed. Either the Demon Lord was that powerful or the others were all screw ups. Considering what he already heard it was a safe bet the other Goddesses sent fuck ups.
"It's annoying. The people of this world have been crying out to us for salvation and it just isn't coming," her eyes lowered sadly.
He wasn't a hero but this wasn't exactly something he could overlook either. It was an awkward feeling. Wanting to help but not knowing just how to do so. The Goddess was offering anything he could desire if he would just go to this world to fight the Demon Lord. Kriem felt pressure weighing down on him. A light touch at his shoulder drew him back to the present. Terra was kneeling on the ground with a reassuring smile.
"No one is forcing you to do this. You don't have to go through with it. It's not fair that I'm putting pressure on you like this," Terra said quietly.
"It's not you. It's me. I have this annoying thing called a conscience and it nags at me," Kriem smiled sardonically even if the pressure was still there.
"What are you saying?" She asked.
"Yeah...I'll do it. I don't know what I can do to help but it's better than doing nothing," he rubbed the back of his neck. Terra smiled with true relief.
"Wonderful! What is it you desire? I am capable of granting anything at all," she enthused. It was nice seeing the tired Goddess so genuinely happy. Her beauty became positively radiant. A meme crossed his mind 'Protect Smile.'
The corruption was complete. He was ready to jump down the rabbit hole.
"I want a super easy maintenance Indian 841 with infinite fuel," Kriem said without hesitation. Terra blinked a few times in astonishment.
"You certainly don't waste any time. I must say that it was an inspired choice. Transportation is key especially where you're going. Super easy maintenance? The infinite fuel part is simple enough. Hmmm...Maybe regenerating parts...That's super easy, right?" Terra winked.
"Why didn't I think of that?" Kriem muttered to himself.
"Could be that you were trying not to be a 'pest' or 'ask for too much,'" Terra teased.
"No. I'm just that much of an idiot," he denied. The Goddess laughed and hugged him.
"That's funny. You...an idiot…" She shook her head in bemusement.
At least she was getting a laugh out of this. Progress?
"Whoo...Thanks for the laugh. It's about time you left," she smiled kindly.
"Guess I overstayed my welcome?" Kriem joked.
"Hardly. I hope more of my clients are like you," Terra said sincerely.
"Maybe upper management should give you a vacation," he said just as sincerely.
Both Goddess and mortal laughed as the chances of that happening were slim to none.
The laughter petered out into awkward chuckling.
Yeah. A vacation really wasn't happening.
There wasn't much more to say as Terra invoked the ancient words in a tongue Kriem couldn't identify. He felt himself rise into the air as the divine light surrounded him. His last sight was of Terra waving goodbye as he was consumed by the all encompassing glow.
His next sight was of a dirt path from extremely close up. He arrived face down. Again.
There was also another sensation that was harder to define. Like something squishy around his torso. It didn't feel bad just odd. Also the feeling of the sun on his head was starting to burn like the dickens. He quickly jerked his shirt up over his head but it left his lower back exposed. Then came the scent of something cooking. He let the shirt fall back down and rolled over.
Big mistake.
The giant ball of fire in the sky was apparently trying to roast him alive. He slammed his eyes shut tight but the sun continued to beat down like he owed it money. Kriem tried to get up, but in his haste he catapulted into the air, and landed face down in the dirt. Again.
Was the gravity here that low? He really hoped not.
"Ahhhh…!" A voice called from above. Kriem rolled onto his back again to try and see what was happening. He had a single moment to realize someone was falling before having his face mashed in cushiony softness.
The upside was the sun was no longer beating his face in.
There was no downside as apparently breathing was entirely optional.
"Oh sorry...Kriem!?" The startled voice of the Goddess Terra registered. She climbed off of him only for a sudden look of shock to cross her face.
"Terra what…?" Kriem started to ask only to get dive tackled to the ground again. Face taking up it's new residence in her cleavage.
"How in the Nine Hells did the reincarnation system screw up so badly!?" She demanded.
Kriem was pretty sure that was a Bad Thing.
"Oh dear...Oh my...Why does it have to midday? Okay...calm down Terra...you can fix this…" Terra muttered.
Kriem gave a thumbs up since his mouth was firmly covered.
"Okay...Access the system...Change parameters...What do you mean I don't have permission? Call tech support? Screw you! I'm older than all of those snot nosed brats in IT! Restricted access!? What bureaucratic cock up…" Terra continued to grumble dire things.
This whole breathing optional thing was great. He would recommend it to all his friends. Once he figured out how to get a wifi signal here.
"Let's try this…" Terra muttered. After a few moments she let out an 'Ah ha!' and sat up again. However Kriem's vision was once more obscured but this time by a white cloth.
"Okay...Mind telling me what's going on? I'm really confused…" Kriem trailed off as a distinctly different sound reached his ears. A foreign voice that sounded distinctly female came from his mouth. Unlike in anime this did not trigger the immediate reaction to give himself a chest grope. Actually the squishy feeling when he laid on his stomach made sense now. He nodded as that mystery resolved itself.
"Yeah so the reincarnation system messed up. Some idiot in tech support must have changed a decimal point or something. You were supposed to come back as a human of roughly your old proportions. At least that was the idea," she sighed.
"I'm not complaining. I just lost a lot of weight," Kriem pulled the cloth back and checked. Yep. Lost a lot of weight even if some of it migrated to his chest and hips making the fit of his clothes weird. Adjusting his belt made the pants easier to deal with and the shoes still fit. Mostly.
"You also switched genders and species," Terra deadpanned.
"Species?" Now that jerked Kriem up short. So it wasn't just that the sun had a man on for him? The species he was didn't like sunlight. Did that mean…?
"You became a vampire. A daywalker. Still considered a newborn as your magical power isn't strong enough to resist the sun fully. In fact what little magic you had was already spent keeping you alive," Terra sounded contrite towards the end. Kriem sat up and arranged the cloth (cloak) so that the hood fell across his face without obscuring his vision.
"Is that why you fell out the sky on my face? To save my life?" Kriem asked. A part of him was touched that she was such a professional as to insure that her charges survived. Terra winced tanking that idea.
"If I knew what happened I totally would have. That wasn't why I was dropped here," she said.
"That sounds ominous," Kriem remarked.
"The bad news? Management heard me smarting off about them and didn't like it one bit. I've been demoted until I learn some 'humility,'" Terra grimaced.
Yep. Typical management behavior. Blame the worker and not their own policies.
"The good news is that I'm not stuck in that endless void," Terra beamed.
"So in the process of punishing you...You've been rewarded with a vacation instead…" Kriem gawked.
"I can't call on a good chunk of my power but who cares? At least I was here in time to save your life," Terra smiled with relief.
"Life? I'm a vampire so...unliving?" Kriem didn't seem to certain of that now. How was he reincarnated as a vampire female anyway?
"You should be undead but the little toggle next to your 'life status' says 'living,'" she shrugged as if it wasn't important.
Truly Kriem was an amazing vampire. A living glitch. Kriem got a weird look on his face before checking something below the belt. Quick check completed and more weirdness. Terra stared at him for several moments.
"Did you just cop a feel of yourself?" She asked dryly.
"Someone in Celestial Bureaucracy needs to be shot," Kriem replied just as dryly.
Terra's facepalm summed up Kriem's feelings perfectly.
"Right. Okay. Let's at least make sure the motorcycle came through intact," Terra stood up. Kriem tried to join her only to overshoot the mark and launch into her torso. The expected anime trope failed to occur as Terra easily caught him and set the male female living undead vampire on the ground.
That was a lot of adjectives for one person.
Kriem adjusted the cloak again for maximum coverage before turning to look at his motorcycle.
"It's an Indian 841," she said.
"It's an Indian 841," he said.
It was, indeed, an Indian 841. Thankfully nothing went wrong with the wish. A quick check showed that it had 'saddlebags' with a leather jacket and gloves with an older motorcycle helmet and goggles. The riding gear clearly belonged to somebody named "Joe Maloney" if the tag inside the jacket was any indication.
"They didn't even make a new bike...Just boosted from some guy named Joe…" Terra facepalmed.
Kriem found a human skull in the saddlebags too.
"I found Joe!" Kriem held up the skull.
"Yeah you did!" The skull's eyes lit up with baleful fire.
Kriem yelped and tossed the skull up in the air a little too forcefully.
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhh…..!" Joe's voice heterodyned as his head flew up.
Terra started looking for a rock to bash her pretty head off of as it had to be more effective than merely facepalming.
"Sorry Joe!" Kriem called out. The surreality of the situation hadn't quite caught up to him yet. He managed to catch the skull on the way down with supernatural reflexes.
"I just saw my life flash before my eyes!" Joe exclaimed.
"You're already dead," Kriem deadpanned.
"Which makes it even more alarming!" Joe rebutted.
There wasn't much that could be said about that.
"Let's just go…" Terra sighed.
"Where are we going anyway?" Kriem asked as he set bounced the skull lightly in his palm much to Joe's displeasure.
"To the city of Axel. Home to all newbie adventurers," Terra said.
"I should probably warn you that my sense of direction sucks," Kriem said.
"I can only sense magnetic north," she admitted.
"Do either of you have a map?" Joe asked.
Vampire and Goddess chuckled nervously.
"We're doomed," he pronounced.
Kriem mounted the motorcycle with Terra climbing on behind him. He tucked Joe in the saddlebags. Thankfully Terra was wise enough to provide an instant learning magic. Either that or Kriem had another glitch he didn't know about.
That was a cheery thought.
"Let's find Axel," Kriem said.
"Right! I think it was over a hill…" Terra said as the motorcycle sped off.
Just over the hill behind them, nestled on a wide plain, was a fortified city with stout walls. The city of Axel. Home to beginning adventurers beckoned to all new adventurers to come. Sadly our protagonist failed to hear the call.
Pity him.
ForgottonFuture
Sleepy Queen of Destruction
- Location
- The Future.
- Pronouns
- She/her
Ding you may have a problem. Or at least a bit of one.
*shoves a metric ton of snacks down the throat of ding's muse.*
*shoves a metric ton of snacks down the throat of ding's muse.*
Should probably use the gender bend tag and the male protagonist tag.
- Location
- Zagreb
...OK that was simply hilarious. The coming adventure is bound to be filled with chaos and comedy, and I look forward to reading more of it...
As an aside, if this level of chaos continues to be persistent then I'm pretty sure Terra's palm and face will quickly become involved in a torrid love affair that involves numerous quick meetings...
As an aside, if this level of chaos continues to be persistent then I'm pretty sure Terra's palm and face will quickly become involved in a torrid love affair that involves numerous quick meetings...
Fafnir(Sieg)
(Avarice Dragon) (Second Magic User)
- Location
- Reverse Side of The World
*Derpy face*
I pity him....
*totally nonchalent thumbs up*
....Good luck Kriem.
Also, how the heck did he get the name Smugglepuss *is confused*
I pity him....
*totally nonchalent thumbs up*
....Good luck Kriem.
Also, how the heck did he get the name Smugglepuss *is confused*
Random Tale
The Story-Bound
This should be entertaining as well, but please use spoilers.
Aia
Mahou Shoujo Civilian ❤ Casualties
- Location
- the starless night
Fixed, my bad.
Zeroth Jupi
Sporadic Writer and Haver of Ideas
- Location
- Somewhere
- Pronouns
- He/She/They
Hello all, Dings willing victim here
Just a reminder though I doubt it's needed I know Jack all about this setting and normally I don't mind spoilers about things, this will be a time I will and would like that any spoilers stay in their handy little spoiler boxes saying "Jupi don't look" or things of that nature thanks all and I hope y'all will enjoy whatever misadventures I'm sure are to come
Just a reminder though I doubt it's needed I know Jack all about this setting and normally I don't mind spoilers about things, this will be a time I will and would like that any spoilers stay in their handy little spoiler boxes saying "Jupi don't look" or things of that nature thanks all and I hope y'all will enjoy whatever misadventures I'm sure are to come
Last edited:
TheLastOne
Person of impeccable tastes (for destruction)
All the luck
*pisst, don't tell him he'll need it, it's a spoiler!*
*Pity Him.*
Praise the Sun!
- Location
- PA
What madness am I putting @Zeroth Jupi through now?
Praise the Sun!
The Indian 841 rumbled as it sped off down the caravan trail kicking up dust that could be seen from miles off. Normally leaving a visible trail like that would be dangerous but the bike quickly outpaced what few monsters did try to catch them. A few of the more persistent were forced to give up after a couple miles.
"Those wolves were fuckin' huge!" Kriem's eyes were a little wild. The wolves didn't catch them but so what? Wolves the size of a Greyhound bus were nothing to scoff at! He dearly regretted being a living vampire as his heart hammered.
"Mega Wolves. You don't usually see them so close to the road," Terra was less freaked out and more thoughtful.
"Mega Wolves? More like Ultra! Plus Ultra!" Kriem waved an arm around for emphasis. Luckily for driver and passenger vampiric reflexes were a thing.
"An All Might joke. Really?" Terra deadpanned.
"Milk the giant cow in the sky!" Joe cheered.
The necromantic anomaly was duly ignored. He didn't seem to mind. If anything he seemed to like just riding along on the motorcycle with nothing to do. It used to be his bike after all so it was understandable.
Kriem would have retorted if not for an itch in his throat. It was an uncomfortable itch like heat stroke thirst. He had some experience with heat stroke from living in Texas and overworking himself. Not a pleasant feeling when the dizziness hit and there it was. Just as he thought about dizziness his vision started to swim. Kriem hit the breaks before the motorcycle careened off into a ditch.
"Kriem…? Are you okay?" Terra lightly shook his shoulder in concern.
"Ha...ha...thirsty…" Kriem's voice came out as a weak rasp.
"Thirsty?" Terra knew what that could mean for a vampire. She looked around the area for signs of anything living. Well, aside from grass, some trees, or those bushes…
The monsters picked now to stay away. Lovely.
"She's a vampire, Terra," Joe said as if to a particularly slow child.
"I know that, Joe! I'm trying to think of where he can get blood," Terra retorted. The skull wisely kept his jawbone shut.
Kriem couldn't care less what they called him, her, whatever as long they found a way to soothe this thirst. They could call him the Grand Poobah for all he cared! He rubbed his throat as the dizziness grew more pronounced. His heartbeat sounded very loud all of a sudden. He could hear another heartbeat and quite loudly too. The glitched vampire slowly turned to Terra. His eyes instantly zeroed in on the vein in her throat with laserlike intensity. Kriem whipped his head around to avoid staring at his friend's lovely neck.
Damn it now he was thinking about her neck.
"She's staring at your neck," Joe noted.
"I know that!" Terra snapped as she tried to find something, anything, that had blood for Kriem. As a Goddess it would be a bad idea for her to offer him a bite. Divine blood packed a hell of a punch but it usually left the drinker thoroughly dead.
Boats. Must think about boats. Must distract himself from thinking about Terra's neck. Let's see there were cruisers. Cruisers were good ships. Kriem tried to rack his brain for facts, figures, something to avoid thinking about blood. There were also destroyers. Carriers. Okay, so he would have to settle for listing the classifications for naval ships. Fine. He could do that. Unfortunately thinking about ship classifications also called to mind other ships. Ships that weren't really ships but had the rigging. When his mind went to shipgirls he knew he was doomed. There were a lot of necks involved. More than necks if some of the more questionable images on the web were any indications. Kriem moaned and banged his head off the handlebars of the motorcycle.
"We're losing her!" Joe exclaimed.
"What kind of vampire are you? Are you the 'die without blood' type or the 'go psychotic without blood' type?" Terra dithered.
"How should I know!?" Kriem hissed.
"That was a metaphorical 'you' not an actual you!" Terra's arms windmilled.
"Oh. Carry on then," Kriem gestured vaguely.
"Can't you summon animals or something?" Joe asked.
"There have to be animals nearby or this wouldn't be an issue," Terra groaned.
"Yeah all I'm picking up are lesser undead but they're waiting for the sun to go down," Joe admitted.
"Already dead? Blech!" Kriem dry heaved at the thought. Anyone who dry heaved on an empty stomach already knows just how much it hurts. Especially when they were exhausted. Kriem, unfortunately, knew all about this topic from firsthand experience.
"How would that even work? I think he's the kind of vampire that needs blood and not psychic energy," Terra mused.
"Oh yeah. The more classic vampire," Joe gave the impression of nodding. Quite a feat for someone lacking a neck.
"Fascinating," Kriem rasped dryly. His head didn't raise from the handlebars. He was just too tired and the thirst wasn't going away. If he was the berserker type of vampire this wouldn't be an issue but Kriem suspected he was the 'die without blood' type. Lovely. It actually felt like his blood was hardening in veins.
"His heartbeat slowed down!" Terra yelped.
"There's only one choice," Joe declared.
"What?" Terra asked.
"She's going to have to drink your blood," the skull proclaimed.
"Good point. Either a guaranteed death or a potential chance of death," Terra agreed.
Kriem gave a weak thumbs up. He wasn't going to complain. He wanted to live dammit! Dying from thirst was not a fun way to go. Terra lifted the nearly unconscious Kriem into her lap. He noted absently that the Goddess was about the same height. Whatever. There was a neck and he had permission to go. There was some fumbling as he almost missed the jugular vein but a quick save by Terra avoided him chipping a fang on her collarbone.
As the fangs pierced the skin it was like Nirvana. Hot blood spilled forth into his mouth and instantly soothed his throat. Terra yelped as apparently getting punctured in the neck was painful. Who knew? However, as the seconds wore on her sounds of discomfort gradually shifted to something significantly less innocent.
Joe found a way to burrow deeper in the saddlebag.
Kriem wrapped an arm around Terra's neck. The Goddess wasn't trying to stop him at all. If anything she was urging him onward. A weird little fact intruded on Kriem's dwindling awareness. The average adult had between 4.5 to 5.5 liters of blood in their body. That was about a gallon and a half. His eyes suddenly shot open in time to see Terra's head lolled back and flushed. If she had enough blood to blush he was in time to stop. A wet pop could be heard as he finally unsealed his lips from her neck.
"Why did you stop?" Terra's glazed eyes focused on Kriem as if from a million miles away. Meaning not all that well. Her gaze kept drooping. The vampire also noticed she really was into the whole necking thing. He lightly smacked himself.
"I didn't want to kill you by accident. I wouldn't want to kill you on purpose either," Kriem hastily clarified. Her vision started clearing faster.
"You really couldn't kill me like that," Terra said.
"From extreme blood loss?" Kriem didn't mean to sound so disbelieving but if her powers were reduced she might not bounce back.
"One of my powers is to regenerate as long as I have magic," Terra explained.
"Oh. That's handy," Kriem nodded.
"Also plot convenient!" Joe shouted from the bottom of the saddlebag.
"Shut up, Joe!" Kriem and Terra ordered. When no further comment was forthcoming from the peanut gallery the arguable adults turned back to their conversation.
"Should I be experiencing side effects from drinking a Goddess' blood?" Kriem asked with a calm he didn't feel. Terra rubbed her neck absently.
"I'm not sure...I think I'm the one experiencing side effects…" Terra blushed. Kriem facepalmed.
"I have a girlfriend on Earth. I'm not going to suddenly forget that," Kriem said with his normal dryness and not from thirst.
"And? I'm not interested either. Sheesh...I do like the necking though," the Goddess admitted. Kriem facepalmed again.
"I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to enjoy the necking," Kriem sighed. At least that was one situation headed off before it started. He was still in love with his demon even if she was a whole dimension away. Terra stroked his hair soothingly.
The sun was killing him by degrees, bloodthirst was a thing, and his girlfriend was on Earth. Despite all that Kriem felt optimistic. When the sky suddenly covered in thick dark clouds, and rain fell in sheets, he felt even better. The sun wasn't killing him anymore and he was resistant to cold.
Silver linings and all that.
"Might want to get moving! Those undead I was talking about? They're moving!" Joe called.
"Why would undead even be here? They normally hang around cities and battlefields," Terra noted.
"I don't know either…" Kriem slid out of Terra's lap and back onto the seat proper. There were three ways to go. The way they came, which seemed pointless since they knew what was back that way, and a fork in the road up ahead.
"Should we investigate?" Terra asked.
"Yeah...I think we should. I mean that is why I'm here, right?" Kriem nodded to himself.
"Which way do we go?" The Goddess once more felt her poor sense of direction keenly. Locating magnetic north was great except in situations like this. Kriem decided to just cut the knot and turned to Joe.
"Where are the undead now?" Kriem asked.
"Take the left fork," Joe said confidently.
Once more the Indian 841 sped off into the distance. The trio of intrepid adventurers ready to deal with anything that came. Maybe. Hopefully. Sort of? Well they would burn that bridge when they came to it, right? Kriem was only a little worried that his thoughts went to 'burn.' Depending on what they had to face he might be wishing for a flamethrower.
The undead horde marching in perfect step caused his thoughts to lock up. Flamethrower? Screw that! He wanted to call in an airstrike! Some idiots used 'the army stretched on from horizon to horizon' to describe a large army. Kriem was looking at the real thing! He would have indulged in another facepalm but it was time to can the comedy.
"So...uh...That's a lot of undead…" Terra giggled.
"Much undead. Much wow," Kriem snarked.
"Yeah that is a lot of undead. Good thing they're aimed away from us," Joe remarked.
"You don't have much to worry about. You're a skull," Kriem reminded him.
"Right and that automatically means I can't be crushed?" Joe asked.
There wasn't much that could be said about that.
"How do we handle this? That's a lot of undead and there's only three of us," Kriem noted.
"Ugh. I actually wish I had Aqua here. That bubble brain would be able to make the storm go away if she could focus for a minute," Terra grumbled.
"You could just go after the controller," Joe suggested. Both Kriem and Terra turned to Joe. Neither one wasted time asking him 'why did you wait until now to mention that?' because that was counterproductive.
"Good idea, Joe. Let's go stab a motherfucker," Kriem nodded firmly. He might not like the idea of hurting people, but if they summon an undead horde that redefines 'huge', he had no problem making a dude pay.
"I'm lacking in stabbing implements," Terra said apologetically.
"How did you make the cloak?" Kriem asked.
"I used 'conjure clothing,'" Terra explained.
"I could teach you to make a blade out of your energy," Joe offered cheerfully.
"Necromantic energy against a necromancer? Pass," Kriem shook his head.
"I said 'energy' not 'death magic.' Sheesh kid. Give me some credit!" Joe whined.
"Sorry Joe. The size of the army isn't making me happy," he apologized.
"Yeah I get that and it's not making me happy either. A lot of innocent people could be hurt so just listen and do what I say," Joe said seriously.
Terra merely watched the horde of undead continue their onward trek. She could just make out a palanquin in the distance seeming to drift along the ground. With the number of undead shambling about the necromancer was probably using them to carry his palanquin.
"Just focus inward. You should feel the well of power immediately especially since you just fed," Joe spoke calmly even with the horde nearby. He only had one chance to teach Kriem the spell and he was not going to screw it up. Kriem was also aware of how critical this was so he chose to take his time and get it right.
The well of power Joe described felt like it was somewhere around his navel. As he prodded it the energy swirled and started to flow upwards into his chest. Joe directed him to allow the magic to flow down his dominant arm and gather in his hand. If he hadn't just fed this would probably be a lot more difficult.
"Now picture the blade in your mind...The more solid the image the better…" Joe said.
He knew exactly what he was going to make. A loud hum and woosh was heard as the energy burst out from his hand. The falling rain sizzled and hissed as it struck the solidified energy sword. Kriem went with the shape of a katana as it was one of the most popular swords in fiction and the easiest to envision. The length made it more of a daikatana though. He took a moment to admire the solid azure blue blade before sweeping it to one side.
"Terra? Time to ride!" Kriem leaned forward and gunned the bike.
The motorcycle shot forward at full speed with a spray of mud and rainwater. Kriem was going extremely off road as the bike raced towards the palanquin in the distance. The solid glowing blade felt comfortable in his grip. He could feel how the circulating energy not only kept the katana together but also didn't use extra energy. All good things to know as he swept the long katana up and through the first undead. Blue fire raced along the wound and burnt the zombie to ash.
He was already moving on to the next target.
Terra kicked out at any undead that tried to stop their progress. Her enhanced strength so great the corpses literally flew from the force of impact. Joe already did his part towards this and wisely stayed silent. Let the youngsters be big damn heroes.
The necromancer was obviously aware of them now as the full might of the army turned inward on the invaders in their midst. There was just one problem with that. Undead were absolutely crap at quick thinking. So instead of a smooth transition, the shambling dead started tripping over one another. Clearly, these were not modern zombies and closer to Night of the Living Dead kind. Kriem was perfectly okay with that as their slow speed and poor reaction times made it easier.
"Pah! What a lousy necromancer! Any child can raise a few hundred corpses with this level of coordination. Clearly, he has more power than brains," Joe remarked.
This was a bad necromancer? Kriem didn't want to meet someone good at his craft!
"Heeya!" Terra kicked out at a particularly sturdy zombie in armor and sent it flying at the palanquin. The flailing corpse slammed into it hard enough to knock the whole affair over. She pumped a fist in triumph.
Kriem let the sword trail through the bodies causing them to ignite and burn away. He was riding the high of being a full on action hero. Who didn't want to ride a motorcycle into combat with a glowing sword in hand to slay an evil necromancer? A mousy little man popped up from the palanquin and tried to make a run for it. He was probably saying something but Kriem couldn't really hear him over just how awesome this was.
"That's a spell of teleportation!" Terra cried in warning as the fleeing man wove his fingers with desperate speed.
"I hate teleporting enemies!" Joe groused.
Kriem hated them too. Especially mid boss creeps who kept coming back throughout the entire story and never gave up. He did not want a damn repeating boss! With a single thought he switched the katana into a glowing javelin. Vampiric reflexes kicked in as he whipped it smoothly for the retreating necromancer. Apparently his anger poured into the energy weapon making it unstable. As evidenced by the javelin smoothly entering the man's back…
...and blowing him into chunks.
"Mmm salsa," Kriem smiled in reminiscence.
Terra stared at the back of her friend's head in disbelief.
"It's not my fault the chunky salsa rule was in effect!" Kriem protested as if sensing her stare.
The zombies, lacking an animator, fell down where they stood.
"Seriously? A proper zombie would remain animated even if the necromancer was killed. I swear would it have killed him to have some professional pride?" Joe tsk'd. His priorities were a little strange. Just a bit.
"I have some good news," Terra said.
"What's that? Y'know, besides, single-handedly stopping an army on our own," Kriem replied.
"By following the army's marching direction we can find a city!" Terra squealed.
"Wait. We're not lost anymore?" Kriem asked hopefully.
"We're not lost anymore!" Terra hugged Kriem around the neck happily.
The sun peeked out from behind the clouds as hope swelled in their hearts.
"Hot hot hot!"
Now if only Kriem's hood hadn't fallen during the fighting…
Praise the Sun!
The Indian 841 rumbled as it sped off down the caravan trail kicking up dust that could be seen from miles off. Normally leaving a visible trail like that would be dangerous but the bike quickly outpaced what few monsters did try to catch them. A few of the more persistent were forced to give up after a couple miles.
"Those wolves were fuckin' huge!" Kriem's eyes were a little wild. The wolves didn't catch them but so what? Wolves the size of a Greyhound bus were nothing to scoff at! He dearly regretted being a living vampire as his heart hammered.
"Mega Wolves. You don't usually see them so close to the road," Terra was less freaked out and more thoughtful.
"Mega Wolves? More like Ultra! Plus Ultra!" Kriem waved an arm around for emphasis. Luckily for driver and passenger vampiric reflexes were a thing.
"An All Might joke. Really?" Terra deadpanned.
"Milk the giant cow in the sky!" Joe cheered.
The necromantic anomaly was duly ignored. He didn't seem to mind. If anything he seemed to like just riding along on the motorcycle with nothing to do. It used to be his bike after all so it was understandable.
Kriem would have retorted if not for an itch in his throat. It was an uncomfortable itch like heat stroke thirst. He had some experience with heat stroke from living in Texas and overworking himself. Not a pleasant feeling when the dizziness hit and there it was. Just as he thought about dizziness his vision started to swim. Kriem hit the breaks before the motorcycle careened off into a ditch.
"Kriem…? Are you okay?" Terra lightly shook his shoulder in concern.
"Ha...ha...thirsty…" Kriem's voice came out as a weak rasp.
"Thirsty?" Terra knew what that could mean for a vampire. She looked around the area for signs of anything living. Well, aside from grass, some trees, or those bushes…
The monsters picked now to stay away. Lovely.
"She's a vampire, Terra," Joe said as if to a particularly slow child.
"I know that, Joe! I'm trying to think of where he can get blood," Terra retorted. The skull wisely kept his jawbone shut.
Kriem couldn't care less what they called him, her, whatever as long they found a way to soothe this thirst. They could call him the Grand Poobah for all he cared! He rubbed his throat as the dizziness grew more pronounced. His heartbeat sounded very loud all of a sudden. He could hear another heartbeat and quite loudly too. The glitched vampire slowly turned to Terra. His eyes instantly zeroed in on the vein in her throat with laserlike intensity. Kriem whipped his head around to avoid staring at his friend's lovely neck.
Damn it now he was thinking about her neck.
"She's staring at your neck," Joe noted.
"I know that!" Terra snapped as she tried to find something, anything, that had blood for Kriem. As a Goddess it would be a bad idea for her to offer him a bite. Divine blood packed a hell of a punch but it usually left the drinker thoroughly dead.
Boats. Must think about boats. Must distract himself from thinking about Terra's neck. Let's see there were cruisers. Cruisers were good ships. Kriem tried to rack his brain for facts, figures, something to avoid thinking about blood. There were also destroyers. Carriers. Okay, so he would have to settle for listing the classifications for naval ships. Fine. He could do that. Unfortunately thinking about ship classifications also called to mind other ships. Ships that weren't really ships but had the rigging. When his mind went to shipgirls he knew he was doomed. There were a lot of necks involved. More than necks if some of the more questionable images on the web were any indications. Kriem moaned and banged his head off the handlebars of the motorcycle.
"We're losing her!" Joe exclaimed.
"What kind of vampire are you? Are you the 'die without blood' type or the 'go psychotic without blood' type?" Terra dithered.
"How should I know!?" Kriem hissed.
"That was a metaphorical 'you' not an actual you!" Terra's arms windmilled.
"Oh. Carry on then," Kriem gestured vaguely.
"Can't you summon animals or something?" Joe asked.
"There have to be animals nearby or this wouldn't be an issue," Terra groaned.
"Yeah all I'm picking up are lesser undead but they're waiting for the sun to go down," Joe admitted.
"Already dead? Blech!" Kriem dry heaved at the thought. Anyone who dry heaved on an empty stomach already knows just how much it hurts. Especially when they were exhausted. Kriem, unfortunately, knew all about this topic from firsthand experience.
"How would that even work? I think he's the kind of vampire that needs blood and not psychic energy," Terra mused.
"Oh yeah. The more classic vampire," Joe gave the impression of nodding. Quite a feat for someone lacking a neck.
"Fascinating," Kriem rasped dryly. His head didn't raise from the handlebars. He was just too tired and the thirst wasn't going away. If he was the berserker type of vampire this wouldn't be an issue but Kriem suspected he was the 'die without blood' type. Lovely. It actually felt like his blood was hardening in veins.
"His heartbeat slowed down!" Terra yelped.
"There's only one choice," Joe declared.
"What?" Terra asked.
"She's going to have to drink your blood," the skull proclaimed.
"Good point. Either a guaranteed death or a potential chance of death," Terra agreed.
Kriem gave a weak thumbs up. He wasn't going to complain. He wanted to live dammit! Dying from thirst was not a fun way to go. Terra lifted the nearly unconscious Kriem into her lap. He noted absently that the Goddess was about the same height. Whatever. There was a neck and he had permission to go. There was some fumbling as he almost missed the jugular vein but a quick save by Terra avoided him chipping a fang on her collarbone.
As the fangs pierced the skin it was like Nirvana. Hot blood spilled forth into his mouth and instantly soothed his throat. Terra yelped as apparently getting punctured in the neck was painful. Who knew? However, as the seconds wore on her sounds of discomfort gradually shifted to something significantly less innocent.
Joe found a way to burrow deeper in the saddlebag.
Kriem wrapped an arm around Terra's neck. The Goddess wasn't trying to stop him at all. If anything she was urging him onward. A weird little fact intruded on Kriem's dwindling awareness. The average adult had between 4.5 to 5.5 liters of blood in their body. That was about a gallon and a half. His eyes suddenly shot open in time to see Terra's head lolled back and flushed. If she had enough blood to blush he was in time to stop. A wet pop could be heard as he finally unsealed his lips from her neck.
"Why did you stop?" Terra's glazed eyes focused on Kriem as if from a million miles away. Meaning not all that well. Her gaze kept drooping. The vampire also noticed she really was into the whole necking thing. He lightly smacked himself.
"I didn't want to kill you by accident. I wouldn't want to kill you on purpose either," Kriem hastily clarified. Her vision started clearing faster.
"You really couldn't kill me like that," Terra said.
"From extreme blood loss?" Kriem didn't mean to sound so disbelieving but if her powers were reduced she might not bounce back.
"One of my powers is to regenerate as long as I have magic," Terra explained.
"Oh. That's handy," Kriem nodded.
"Also plot convenient!" Joe shouted from the bottom of the saddlebag.
"Shut up, Joe!" Kriem and Terra ordered. When no further comment was forthcoming from the peanut gallery the arguable adults turned back to their conversation.
"Should I be experiencing side effects from drinking a Goddess' blood?" Kriem asked with a calm he didn't feel. Terra rubbed her neck absently.
"I'm not sure...I think I'm the one experiencing side effects…" Terra blushed. Kriem facepalmed.
"I have a girlfriend on Earth. I'm not going to suddenly forget that," Kriem said with his normal dryness and not from thirst.
"And? I'm not interested either. Sheesh...I do like the necking though," the Goddess admitted. Kriem facepalmed again.
"I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to enjoy the necking," Kriem sighed. At least that was one situation headed off before it started. He was still in love with his demon even if she was a whole dimension away. Terra stroked his hair soothingly.
The sun was killing him by degrees, bloodthirst was a thing, and his girlfriend was on Earth. Despite all that Kriem felt optimistic. When the sky suddenly covered in thick dark clouds, and rain fell in sheets, he felt even better. The sun wasn't killing him anymore and he was resistant to cold.
Silver linings and all that.
"Might want to get moving! Those undead I was talking about? They're moving!" Joe called.
"Why would undead even be here? They normally hang around cities and battlefields," Terra noted.
"I don't know either…" Kriem slid out of Terra's lap and back onto the seat proper. There were three ways to go. The way they came, which seemed pointless since they knew what was back that way, and a fork in the road up ahead.
"Should we investigate?" Terra asked.
"Yeah...I think we should. I mean that is why I'm here, right?" Kriem nodded to himself.
"Which way do we go?" The Goddess once more felt her poor sense of direction keenly. Locating magnetic north was great except in situations like this. Kriem decided to just cut the knot and turned to Joe.
"Where are the undead now?" Kriem asked.
"Take the left fork," Joe said confidently.
Once more the Indian 841 sped off into the distance. The trio of intrepid adventurers ready to deal with anything that came. Maybe. Hopefully. Sort of? Well they would burn that bridge when they came to it, right? Kriem was only a little worried that his thoughts went to 'burn.' Depending on what they had to face he might be wishing for a flamethrower.
The undead horde marching in perfect step caused his thoughts to lock up. Flamethrower? Screw that! He wanted to call in an airstrike! Some idiots used 'the army stretched on from horizon to horizon' to describe a large army. Kriem was looking at the real thing! He would have indulged in another facepalm but it was time to can the comedy.
"So...uh...That's a lot of undead…" Terra giggled.
"Much undead. Much wow," Kriem snarked.
"Yeah that is a lot of undead. Good thing they're aimed away from us," Joe remarked.
"You don't have much to worry about. You're a skull," Kriem reminded him.
"Right and that automatically means I can't be crushed?" Joe asked.
There wasn't much that could be said about that.
"How do we handle this? That's a lot of undead and there's only three of us," Kriem noted.
"Ugh. I actually wish I had Aqua here. That bubble brain would be able to make the storm go away if she could focus for a minute," Terra grumbled.
"You could just go after the controller," Joe suggested. Both Kriem and Terra turned to Joe. Neither one wasted time asking him 'why did you wait until now to mention that?' because that was counterproductive.
"Good idea, Joe. Let's go stab a motherfucker," Kriem nodded firmly. He might not like the idea of hurting people, but if they summon an undead horde that redefines 'huge', he had no problem making a dude pay.
"I'm lacking in stabbing implements," Terra said apologetically.
"How did you make the cloak?" Kriem asked.
"I used 'conjure clothing,'" Terra explained.
"I could teach you to make a blade out of your energy," Joe offered cheerfully.
"Necromantic energy against a necromancer? Pass," Kriem shook his head.
"I said 'energy' not 'death magic.' Sheesh kid. Give me some credit!" Joe whined.
"Sorry Joe. The size of the army isn't making me happy," he apologized.
"Yeah I get that and it's not making me happy either. A lot of innocent people could be hurt so just listen and do what I say," Joe said seriously.
Terra merely watched the horde of undead continue their onward trek. She could just make out a palanquin in the distance seeming to drift along the ground. With the number of undead shambling about the necromancer was probably using them to carry his palanquin.
"Just focus inward. You should feel the well of power immediately especially since you just fed," Joe spoke calmly even with the horde nearby. He only had one chance to teach Kriem the spell and he was not going to screw it up. Kriem was also aware of how critical this was so he chose to take his time and get it right.
The well of power Joe described felt like it was somewhere around his navel. As he prodded it the energy swirled and started to flow upwards into his chest. Joe directed him to allow the magic to flow down his dominant arm and gather in his hand. If he hadn't just fed this would probably be a lot more difficult.
"Now picture the blade in your mind...The more solid the image the better…" Joe said.
He knew exactly what he was going to make. A loud hum and woosh was heard as the energy burst out from his hand. The falling rain sizzled and hissed as it struck the solidified energy sword. Kriem went with the shape of a katana as it was one of the most popular swords in fiction and the easiest to envision. The length made it more of a daikatana though. He took a moment to admire the solid azure blue blade before sweeping it to one side.
"Terra? Time to ride!" Kriem leaned forward and gunned the bike.
The motorcycle shot forward at full speed with a spray of mud and rainwater. Kriem was going extremely off road as the bike raced towards the palanquin in the distance. The solid glowing blade felt comfortable in his grip. He could feel how the circulating energy not only kept the katana together but also didn't use extra energy. All good things to know as he swept the long katana up and through the first undead. Blue fire raced along the wound and burnt the zombie to ash.
He was already moving on to the next target.
Terra kicked out at any undead that tried to stop their progress. Her enhanced strength so great the corpses literally flew from the force of impact. Joe already did his part towards this and wisely stayed silent. Let the youngsters be big damn heroes.
The necromancer was obviously aware of them now as the full might of the army turned inward on the invaders in their midst. There was just one problem with that. Undead were absolutely crap at quick thinking. So instead of a smooth transition, the shambling dead started tripping over one another. Clearly, these were not modern zombies and closer to Night of the Living Dead kind. Kriem was perfectly okay with that as their slow speed and poor reaction times made it easier.
"Pah! What a lousy necromancer! Any child can raise a few hundred corpses with this level of coordination. Clearly, he has more power than brains," Joe remarked.
This was a bad necromancer? Kriem didn't want to meet someone good at his craft!
"Heeya!" Terra kicked out at a particularly sturdy zombie in armor and sent it flying at the palanquin. The flailing corpse slammed into it hard enough to knock the whole affair over. She pumped a fist in triumph.
Kriem let the sword trail through the bodies causing them to ignite and burn away. He was riding the high of being a full on action hero. Who didn't want to ride a motorcycle into combat with a glowing sword in hand to slay an evil necromancer? A mousy little man popped up from the palanquin and tried to make a run for it. He was probably saying something but Kriem couldn't really hear him over just how awesome this was.
"That's a spell of teleportation!" Terra cried in warning as the fleeing man wove his fingers with desperate speed.
"I hate teleporting enemies!" Joe groused.
Kriem hated them too. Especially mid boss creeps who kept coming back throughout the entire story and never gave up. He did not want a damn repeating boss! With a single thought he switched the katana into a glowing javelin. Vampiric reflexes kicked in as he whipped it smoothly for the retreating necromancer. Apparently his anger poured into the energy weapon making it unstable. As evidenced by the javelin smoothly entering the man's back…
...and blowing him into chunks.
"Mmm salsa," Kriem smiled in reminiscence.
Terra stared at the back of her friend's head in disbelief.
"It's not my fault the chunky salsa rule was in effect!" Kriem protested as if sensing her stare.
The zombies, lacking an animator, fell down where they stood.
"Seriously? A proper zombie would remain animated even if the necromancer was killed. I swear would it have killed him to have some professional pride?" Joe tsk'd. His priorities were a little strange. Just a bit.
"I have some good news," Terra said.
"What's that? Y'know, besides, single-handedly stopping an army on our own," Kriem replied.
"By following the army's marching direction we can find a city!" Terra squealed.
"Wait. We're not lost anymore?" Kriem asked hopefully.
"We're not lost anymore!" Terra hugged Kriem around the neck happily.
The sun peeked out from behind the clouds as hope swelled in their hearts.
"Hot hot hot!"
Now if only Kriem's hood hadn't fallen during the fighting…
UbeOne
Daydreaming CPU
- Location
- Philippines
- Pronouns
- She/Her
So, she's like a less pleasant version of Neptune from Neptunia?
FailLord
2050 lb bombs?
- Location
- very high up
If I remember correctly, she is worse as she is arrogant, verbally abusive along with being whiny
TheLastOne
Person of impeccable tastes (for destruction)
How best to put it...
The best way of putting it...
Substituting Aqua for Yamcha, of course.
Substituting Aqua for Yamcha, of course.
- Location
- USA
I wouldn't go that far. Aqua is rather useful once she actually does stuff. She's just terrified of monsters and unbelievably spoiled from her time as a goddess. It's not like the rest of the party is much better.
- Location
- Ekaterinburg, Russia
Frankly, Konosuba's hat is "hidden depths" in the first place. Kazuma is a surprisingly good breadwinner, Aqua is an expert in arts and crafts (see - her Gundam models), Darkness has her noble upbringing to pick up the slack, and Megumin keeps getting proper opportunities for her spell.
TheLastOne
Person of impeccable tastes (for destruction)
I don't know...
Giving her too much credit here.
And there are others.
So many many others.
- Location
- Ekaterinburg, Russia
I'm giving her credit exactly and precisely where it's due (in Aqua's arts and crafts skills), and nowhere else. There's a very, very good reason why I called theme "hidden depths", emphasis on hidden.
- Location
- USA
I guess I was giving her a bit too much credit, yeah. She does pull through in the big fights though, playing a big part against Beldia and actually killing Hans.