My gaze flicked away from Armsmaster and over to the Queen. "I need a portal to wherever the last one was."
"I-" she began before stopping, sighing, and making a gesture with her right arm towards the Crystal. Space tore once again, and I hopped through into the starlit void.
Like the space in my universe, it was very cold and didn't have much atmosphere. Unlike the space in my universe, it wasn't to the point where I'd swiftly die. Instead, it was only fairly uncomfortable. I'd guess it was like being high up on a mountain, although I'd never gone mountain climbing so I couldn't be sure.
I looked in every direction, even using my wings to spin myself in zero-gravity so I could look behind me too. Stars, constellations, nebulae — they all filled my vision, but nothing that looked person shaped. There was some far-off structure that could have been a space station, and other bright dots that might have been nearby planets. I cycled through my mask's vision-modes as I spun and spun, but it didn't let me find her.
Meaning I was alone, in the depths of space with no one around. Tumbling aimlessly. Voices faintly transmitted from the portal, and yeah, I was meant to be on the other side. After a few last glances, a couple of wingbeats took me back to Ripple Star.
"Nothing," I said, voice coming out a little more exhausted than I'd meant it to. "Are you sure that's where she went?"
The Queen nodded sharply, skewing her glasses again and leading her to fumble a little as she tried to right them. "Her attunement with the Crystal was heightened while she was being attacked by it. Part of the portal opening was her doing, and she blindly set the coordinates to the very edge of the galaxy. I sent you to the same place, but it looked through the portal like it was empty, and that means she could have drifted quite a bit in any direction even though it hasn't been long. I was worried this would happen, and we might not be able to find her. It's a big place, out there."
"And lonely," Ribbon added, looking as forlorn as I felt.
I turned and began to march away from the Crystal. I just needed a moment. The others followed me as I strode to the nearest balcony and hopped off the edge. I'd survive even the harshest fall, but my wings almost instinctively snapped open to catch some updraft, slowing me a bit. I heard the scraping of steel on stone and twisted in midair to see Armsmaster sliding down the side of the wall behind me. Yeah, he could do that. I'd kind of forgotten.
Once he saw me looking at me, he opened his mouth to say something to me, but I was faster. I angled my wings carefully and flapped them once, decisively, sending me back a fair amount all at once. I angled them a bit differently and kept going back, slowly, away from the castle. A few seconds later, I landed one leg fairly gently on the dry stone spike jutting out of the centre of the courtyard fountain. More angling, hoisting my other leg up in the air a bit, arms a little out. Balance. Precarious, but there.
Breathe. In, and out.
I took off my mask and yanked my hood down before tossing the mask into the water below. It flowed to the edge of the fountain's basin but got stuck, and didn't go over the edge. But it was another precarious thing.
Was she dead? Had I gotten her killed? With my, what? Stupidity? Arrogance? With my lies, certainly.
It was… it was so much. And I was so tired by it all.
We were this close to the finish line! The two of us were about to go home together! I'd only known her for hours, but after all the things she'd said, I-
"What would those be, again?" Armsmaster cut in, making me realise that he'd dashed over to me, halberd clamped to his back, and that I'd been muttering to myself out loud without meaning to. I also noticed he pointedly wasn't actually looking at me. Right, because of the mask situation.
"You can look, I don't fucking give a shit." He opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted. "Yes I'm sure. Don't make this any more awkward than it already is." My wings spread wide and flapped hard, sending me soaring high up into the air but only a little forward. I landed heavily just in front of the fountain's outer edge and sat down. Second time today. I noticed that Armsmaster had sat down besides me and was still not looking at me. Basterd.
Ribbon, the Queen, and some other fairies were, though. I sighed. "Could you give us a moment?"
The Queen nodded, looking serious once more, before suddenly brightening up and clapping her hands together through her sleeves. "Come on everyone! Back into the castle, let's give our guests some privacy!" The small flyers dutifully obeyed as she walked them away, Ribbon riding herd on the ones further out. Soon it was just the two of us. Humans on an inhuman world, but inhuman in a good way.
"So, noticing anything?" I asked before the silence could get uncomfortable.
"Lots of readings. Some of them are normal, some are more strange," he replied.
"You know, you're sounding pretty unsurprised about this whole thing," I said, frowning. Which I belatedly realised he would actually notice for once if I wasn't looking at the precisely shaped clouds rather than me.
"Well, when you've been a hero for fifteen years it's pretty hard for anything to surprise you," he said, annoyingly reasonable. "But this does come close. If I'm right, then when your clone said that your power led into a pocket dimension…" He trailed off, but the emphasis made it clear what he was getting at.
"Yeah. Didn't think you'd believe me if I corrected her, and that's probably why she said it the way she did. But, well. Every star in the sky is as real as one of ours. And a lot more in reach, too." Where could I even begin with this? I wasn't sure, but knew I had to. My words were spilling out, unguarded. I'd known, for a moment, someone else who knew what I'd been through. I guess I wanted that back. And to explain to myself why I was feeling like this, because even I wasn't sure.
"Four years ago," I began. "Four years ago. That is when I got my powers. And I came, not here, but to this universe's version of Earth. It was frozen over and abandoned, but I met some people who were on an… adventure, I guess? That's basically what they considered it. And it was to stop the Dark Matter. The thing you saw, controlling me? That was its crippled form, barely alive even before you stabbed it. I mean, you knew already, you watched the recording. But still, I was there, and then I joined them and came here. I was there when they defeated Miracle Matter and Zero Two, that's why they were so willing to help me out when I came asking. But it was bad, back then. The entire world was shrouded in Dark Matter. Not that it was literally a permanent night or anything, not outside of the main castle, but you could kind of tell it was there. Um—" I pressed my palm to my forehead. "I'm not sure where I'm going with this."
"Four years is longer than I'd expected, since you only showed up on the scene less than two years ago," Armsmaster helpfully said, letting me refocus.
"Right. Well, for a year or so I was just using my power to summon little allies after finding Empire thugs or whatever and getting them to attack. It was kind of stupid, honestly. I just patrolled in the afternoons and the evenings, didn't really coordinate with anyone or do stakeouts or anything like that. I hurt and brought in a few people, but it wasn't anything consistent or meaningful."
Armsmaster reacted with a start. "You were that Master? We tried to track you down to have a talk about the Wards program and your safety, but then you stopped showing up and we heard some rumors that you were killed. I thought it was a tragedy, but then moved on. Glad to know that wasn't the case."
I shrugged. "I was stabbed. That gave me a shock. So I dropped off the radar for about six months, and went hard into training in this world. At the end, I got my equipment, and came back. Started doing things properly. Skill, commitment, gear. And then fuck all happened for a year and a half."
Armsmaster snorted in what was clearly his failed attempt to stifle a laugh. I snapped my head around to glare at him, but wasn't able to muster much real fury right now. "Sorry, sorry. It's just that you sound exactly like I do when I'm talking to Miss Militia or Dragon sometimes, if you can believe it. It's uncanny, is all."
I grimaced and looked away again, and began aimlessly kicking my feet in the air. An older behavior. I'd trained myself out of fidgeting a while back, but the fighting was over now, at least this bit of it. It wasn't as much of a risk. "I guess I can see that," I said after a moment's consideration.
"I mean, this probably all sounds stupid to you, then—" So it's appropriate that a fucking moron's saying it, I thought but didn't add. "But I guess I should keep explaining. So I was trained here, in this alien, magical world, and I gave my everything to try and make things right back home. Even though the city was basically fucked, I tried. And it didn't matter. Nothing really changed. So I kept trying, not slowing down. Doing more hours, if anything. And nothing changed, still. And then it went on, and on, and on. Was I doing good? I think so, yeah. I stopped some pretty bad crimes, put away a couple of villains. Saw some messed up shit. Went to Canberra. But here we are, and until I fought the Undersiders, it was basically the same as when I'd started. Maybe worse, if anything."
Armsmaster was staying silent, nodding along. I took that as permission to continue. "And it was just so bad because, I'm not a good hero, you know? The Triumvirate are good heroes. You're a good hero. Everyone here's a good hero, except for the bad guys and civilians. But me? I have a temper. I like the violence. I'm stubborn, and so I usually get blindsided by everything. I'm not naturally good at the whole self-sacrifice thing. Even my results aren't great. But, you know, I'd seen this world, and despite the literal space demons that had to be fought, it was just… nice to be in. Way nicer than our world, where my city was infested with people who basically wanted me dead because of what I looked like, or the person who made me trigger in the first place. And it gives you hope, this world. This universe. It made me think that I could change my own world for the better if I brought over its, I don't know. Its essence.
"So I wore a mask, a, shit, a figurative one? Yeah, as well as a literal one. It wasn't easy, but I thought it was worth it. And I talked with other people about this. Gallant on the day I caught the Undersiders, a couple of my civilian friends at other times. And they told me, I needed to stop, but did I listen? Well, yeah, but I still believed that it didn't matter. That what I was doing was important. God, that makes me sound like I'm fucking delusional. And now here we are."
"Sounds like something's changed," Armsmaster said.
"Yeah. Her. We… had an argument. About whether or not to come here. I convinced her to come by lying, and she made some good points about how I wasn't really living. Just waiting to die. I mean, she didn't say that exactly, but it's what she was getting at. And I agreed, I figured it was maybe time to change how I did things, and it was partly because of what she said but also because I thought that she was, well. She wasn't great, I didn't want to be her exactly, but she was still a decent hero despite the fact that she was more me than me. The purer Sophia Hess."
"You know, I can avoid looking at you but I couldn't avoid hearing that." Armsmaster sighed.
"Like I told you, I don't give a shit. Coil knows my secret identity, why shouldn't you? It's not like… well, I don't know. Like I don't trust you? I guess I do, but I should have trusted her more, earlier. Maybe that would have changed this. She didn't deserve this. Even if she's alive, she's alone, lost in deep space. If she did die, the last thing she ever got to feel was betrayal and then pain. And she was the one with the ideas, and the success. If anything, it should have been me. But, fuck, now that I think about it again, what was I even meant to do? I had to stop the Dark Matter from repairing itself and coming back. I didn't have a choice. But I must have, right? It can't have been that I had to let her die one way or the other. That's not… it's not…" I trailed off. Not what?
While I was grappling with things, Armsmaster finally turned his head to look at me, apparently deciding that if he knew my name he may as well. Then, he spoke up. "I want you to imagine a scenario for me. Can you do that right now?" he began.
That was a bit random, but I had nothing better to do, so I shrugged and nodded. "Sure."
"Okay. Imagine you're a captain of a navy ship, and you hear an SOS signal from a freighter. It's been damaged and is now adrift and beginning to sink, but it's drifted into contested waters between your country and another country. If your ship, a military ship, enters the contested waters and gets found out, that's an international incident. Worse, the other country is renowned for their advanced submarines, so they could have ships in the area already and you can't be certain. You are certain they won't help the sinking ship. What do you do?"
I blinked, then furrowed my brow. "Hold on a second, I see what you're doing. You're saying that the right decision is to abandon the ship. Trying to draw a parallel between that and this."
Armsmaster shook his head. "Not at all, actually. That's the decision I'd make, certainly, but the point is that it's a no-win scenario. You can try and make the best choices out of the options available, but sometimes there's no way to get a perfect outcome, even when you don't make any mistakes. From what I've heard so far, it sounds like no matter what you could have done, something was going to go wrong. If there was a way to avoid this, it came from your clone not being born in the first place. And, well, maybe something will come up in the debrief, but I honestly don't think it will."
"Either way, now we're both alone again," I muttered.
"Not entirely," Armsmaster said. "Because you don't have a monopoly on impulsive decisions." With that, he took his own helmet off and set it on the ground before him. Then he turned his body slightly and extended his hand. "Colin Wallis, at your service." I dumbly shook his hand and then withdrew.
"I let you get everything off your chest because I think you needed to vent all that, and I'm going to say this now because I think you need to hear it. I know you've discussed this with other people before, but I'm hoping this time it can stick. It can be hard to connect with other capes, see their struggles, so long as you're only looking at the mask. Even with New Wave; just because they don't have secret identities doesn't mean they just share everything. So let me tell you about me. I have a problem with tunnel vision, and I can't navigate office politics to save my life. Part of that is because I'm just bad at managing all the bureaucracy, some of it is because I put my foot in my mouth a bit more than average. And I get angry too. Angry that people aren't giving their all, helping out as much as they need to for things to work out."
"And it just makes you want to push harder to try and make up for their lack," I said in understanding.
"Right. But that doesn't actually help anyone in the long run, least of all us. As for other heroes? I've met the Triumvirate more than once, and while I won't go into specifics, they're not perfect either, because no one is. And the heroes of this world? I'm not as equipped as you to say, obviously. But am I right in believing that they're not exactly human, para or otherwise?"
I shrugged awkwardly. "No. Better."
He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Better, worse, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you can't judge yourself by their standards, and you can't say you don't measure up to the rest of us because you have no idea what the yardstick actually is. I'm lucky; I'm in the Protectorate, and I went all across the country as part of a strike squad back when they were in fashion. I've met heroes of all kinds, and I'm lucky enough to call a few of them my friends.
"Your team and Dragon?" I asked.
"Mostly, but also Chevalier, along with a handful of others. I don't think I'd still be sane if I didn't make time for them and myself. When your schedule's constrained, giving up your free time is the easy thing. There's no guilt, and it can seem like the moral choice. But honestly, if you go too far, you can lose yourself and burn out. That seems to be what's finally happening to you."
Was he wrong? Not really, I decided. Killing a version of yourself, comitting suicide in a sense, had that effect on you. "I could keep going if I had to," I said defensively. "But yeah. This job takes a lot out of you, doesn't it?"
He nodded, and adopted an almost wistful expression. "It's not for everyone, that's for sure. And it is tough when it feels like the world's just treading water despite your best efforts. And I'd do some things differently if I had the chance, but there's a lot I'd do the same. I think it's the same with you?" he said, the last sentence more of a question than a statement.
"I guess. I think at this point it's more different than same, though."
Armsmaster, Colin I supposed, smiled. It was a good smile, a mix of understanding and satisfaction. Pretty reassuring, actually. "Well, you have all the time in the world to change course, now. You're a good hero, and a good person. If you weren't, this whole thing wouldn't bother you so much. And for what it's worth, I hope that the clone's still alive, and that you get to see her again. You both deserve that much.
"Anyway, if you ever need any help, or want to book a PRT-approved confidential therapist, you can call me. After these past couple of weeks, you've earned that." He picked his helmet back up and put it on once more.
"I'd honestly love to stay and look around this place. I think there's a lot to be learned here, and I'd love to talk to these people. But the longer we delay, the worse the Director is going to assume about what happened, and Emily really doesn't need anything that'd worsen her blood pressure. Mind if you take us home?"
I nodded, and fished my mask out of the fountain. I wiped the water off the inside, pulled my hood back up, and put it on.
I took Colin's arm in hand, and shifted worlds once more.
