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Jeanne d'Arc: The Hundred-Years Waifu War

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Update One: Daddy Tentacle Bondage In Young Boy's Bedroom
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    • ZerbanDaGreat

    ZerbanDaGreat

    Daemon Noble of D E M O G R A P H I C S
    Pronouns
    They/them
    Don't know what this game is? Neither did I. Probably because it was on the PSP, where good ideas go to die. I don't even remember what first informed me of its existence. A passing fancy perhaps, or an errant click on TVTropes. I decided to give it a try, for two reasons. One being that I happen to be questing around the same era of Jeanne d'Arc with Jeanne d'Arc, so it felt apropos. The other being that I've always been a huge fan of the Jeanne d'Arc story ever since I read the Dead Famous book back when I was a wee baird. So I decided to play the first two levels of it. Boy is this... a thing.

    Jeanne d'Arc is a PSP tactical RPG developed back in 2006 and localized in 2007, by Level-5. You may know them as the Ni no Kuni and Professor Layton people. hardly the types to be doing a Fire Emblem clone, you might be thinking. Well, you'd be right. As far as I know, this is their only foray into the genre, and it's full of all sorts of weird ideas. But hey, talk is cheap. Without further ado, let's jump right into Jeanne d'Arc.



    No difficulty settings, no subtitles, no problem!

    (actually huge problem but what can you do)



    We start off with a bang!



    Just in case you forgot the first time!



    Lightning: the rain transformed.


    "Oh Uncle, would you tell me a bedtime story? A really terrific one! And a new one please, not more tales of Father when he was still alive. I want a real adventure this time!"

    This here Baby Doll-looking motherfucker is the young Prince Henry VI. And his uncle-


    "Very well, your grace. Hmm. I wonder if you have heard this story yet."

    F-F-F-FUCK IS THAT

    Move over Caster-Gilles, you just got out-sillied.

    Anyway, the oh-so-trustworthy-looking uncle Duke of Bedford obliges the young prince.


    "A very long time ago, there was a great clash known as the War of the Reapers."
    "Wait, I have heard this story before, Uncle. And the ending was a pile of sh-"
    "It's alright your grace, your undeveloped child's mind just couldn't understand why the Reapers were trying to wipe out humanity with magic in order to stop magic wiping out humanity."


    "A foul and terrible Fiend set his sights on the human realm."

    How anime is this game? This picture summarizes.


    "And sent armies of grim, gruesome Reapers to conquer it."




    Official Zerban History Sidebar: There were no Reapers, Fiends, harpies, orcs or social justice warriors in medieval France. :Citation Needed:


    "Into the fray!" shouts Liam O'Brien in his millionth role.

    "DON'T FIRE UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR ASSHOLES!"



    The victory kegger was swift and brutal.



    Oh and the heroes of light (and fucking Jafar over there) are fighting a sentient blackhead. What do they do?



    Power Rangers that shit, obv.



    BEAMU


    "DO NOT WANT"



    Henry, bored to tears by this stupid shit about five magical armlets, is fast asleep.


    "Maybe if I suffocate the little shit in a Dutch Oven then I can be king."
     
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    • "What're you looking at, peasants?"



    Trim your nails, dude. Jesus. Do you even use a knife and fork or do you just spear your food with those three-inch talons.


    "Ow, shit, broke a nail, every time!"



    The shutters on Henry's royal panic room slide shut to allow Bedford privacy to work his magic. As far as Bedford's dialogue, you're not missing much. Long story short, he's decided it'll be a great idea to resummon the Fiend he helped banish because that'll... help Henry... somehow.



    After some lightning, of course.



    Bedford starts chanting some faux-latin bullshit I can't be assed to transcri-


    JESUSCHRIST



    THE ANIMATOR JUST JIZZED LIGHTNING


    "Now I can finally perform human transmutation."



    The Duke of Muppet continues the incantation.



    He promptly poops 'em as someone bashes the door down.


    "AVON CALLING"
    "My my what a surprise this is."


    "Enough, Bedford, I will not let you pursue this madness!"


    "hahaha lookit this lil' fuckin guy thinkin' he has a chance"


    "lol"


    "what the fuck"


    "globe of invulnerability, roll wizard next time, gg no re"
    "FUCKING NERF WIZARDS, WIZARDS"


    "Your hero days are long over, feeble old man!"



    Bedford expands the shield to fling Hero Man across the room.


    Hero Man stabs his sword into the floor to slow his fall. Uh. Bedford? Maybe letting the guy carve up your transmutation circle isn't a fantastic idea.
     

    "Perhaps you should lay down your sword for good."

    And this is the point where I fully realized that all this shit is taking place three feet from Henry's bed but he's still sleeping like a rock.


    "Oh God this wasn't part of the spell what are they doing help they're-"


    "-just going for my forehead oh thank God."


    "NOT TONIGHT!"


    "What!"
    "Contingent Bull's Strength bruh"
    "Fucking Wizards."

    Hero Man points out that Bedford was one of the five original heroes who sealed the Fiend so it's fucking stupid that he'd bring it back now. All Bedford takes from that is that they used to be bros, so he promises not to kill Hero Man.



    "That's a penis."


    "Prince Henry!"

    Oh, yeah. All that shouting and crashing and clanging, he slept right through that. But shouting his name? Instantly wakes him up.




    "... what smells salty?"



    "AVON CALLING"



    The acts that follow are swift and unspeakable.



    Seeing the Fiend facefuck the crown prince makes Hero Man remember he has one of the five holy armlets that sealed it.


    "Oh shit I totally forgot he had that."


    "It's too tacky noooooooo!"


    [Zoidberg noises as Bedford is flung aside.]



    Oh God, remember the T-regulations! Save us, Hero Man!



    He remembers that he still has all his hearts and thus can fire blade beams.
     



    The fart cloud is dispersed and Hero Man goes to secure the prince.


    "Let me introduce you to something the Fiend showed me."


    "It's called hentai."
    "no bedford-domo, yamate"



    Bedford takes another quick poop to clear himself out.



    [Goofy scream.]


    "Ow! You made me slip a disc, asshole!"



    Bedford throws him into the Floor-Saarlac to be digested over a period of one thousand years.


    "Now he shall finally reign over this world as its true king. For all eternity."



    [Limpest 'evil laugh' ever.]



    And one more lightning bolt for the road!



    We cross-fade to the village of Domrémy where a party is in full swing for some reason.


    "Hey check it out, once he's done juggling them I'm gonna shove all this apples right up his ass!"
    "Wh- we didn't agree to this!"
    "GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT, JEAN!"



    I don't know what I'm questioning harder. The violin, or the acoustic guitar.



    The festival is suddenly improved a hundredfold by the presence of boobs.



    The villagers all applaud the boobs and the woman attached to them.



    whoaheynow, flashing a bit much for these medieval peasants! They're liable to shove you in that fire as a witch!



    And here we have our heroine. Any resemblance to other anime waifus, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Honest. Stay tuned for next update, in which Jeanne robs the dead and adds one tally mark to the multitude of men she will murder over the course of this game!
     
    *Grabs a seat and popcorn*

    I thought I'd seen some ridiculous Japanese portrayals of the 100 years war before, but this is raising the bar to new heights.
     
    Zerban, you fool, you can only write about so much French stuff at once before your brain turns to cheese!

    Ah well, too late, time to enjoy the show.
     
    ZerbanDaGreat said:
    Don't know what this game is? Neither did I. Probably because it was on the PSP, where good ideas go to die.
    Click to expand...
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    I've always had a soft spot for the PSP and the PSP Vita. They're good systems, that show handhelds can make the leap to 3D, and not the blocky old-school 3D at that. Since I don't have a laptop or tablet, when I'm traveling, I just download Shovel Knight or whatever and play it on them.

    But ya the handhelds are full of obvious piss-poor shit no one has ever heard of that'll be fodder for some next generation Angry Videogame Nerd, and its even worse with the poor neglected PSP systems that can't count on Nintendo's list of A-list franchises.
     
    Hey, I remember this game. It was my introduction to Turn-Based Tactics games.

    Archers were really OP in this game. Which is why you'll only get two in the whole game
     
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    firefossil said:
    I've always had a soft spot for the PSP and the PSP Vita. They're good systems, that show handhelds can make the leap to 3D, and not the blocky old-school 3D at that. Since I don't have a laptop or tablet, when I'm traveling, I just download Shovel Knight or whatever and play it on them.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Dissidia is fucking great. Just the best.
     
    So, quick raise of hands, who here other than me had heard/known/played this game before Zerban made this thread?
     
    Redsoff said:
    I read some comments on it.
    It did not mention the sheer anime.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Odd considering most comments I see about it never fail to mention MAGICAL GIRL/POWER RANGER Jeanne and friends.

    EDIT: I remembered something and checked it out to confirm

    Jeanne shares her VA(Kari Wahlgren) with Saber. To be more specific, Saber's Ufotable Anime VA.
     
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