Chapter Forty: "Astra inclinant, sed non obligant"
Shinji was pretty sure he was always put in the same room. It was either that, or the hospital had perfectly identical rooms. Since it was a hospital, that option was to be taken into consideration too, he reckoned. His body didn't hurt. It was surprising that whenever he woke up, he wouldn't hurt. Normally he'd be in a world of pain; however now that he took the time to think about it, he wasn't even drugged.
Perhaps some kind of synthetic drug designed to dull nerve response but not cause drowsiness had been invented, and kept quiet by Nerv? Was there a cure for cancer hidden somewhere inside the Magi system? Was he really a cloned entity of Shinji as Rei...
His vision blurred slightly at the thought. His head took that as the cue to hurt. Gritting his teeth, hissing softly against the back of his right hand, he tried to piece together the last moment of the battle against the Angels. He remembered...
He remembered trying to catch a sun, and fail at that. He remembered walking on the surface of the sun for a brief instant, into the core of a newborn star, and then the pitch-black darkness of unconsciousness had claimed him firmly, leaving no other memories for him to grasp.
"Rei must have dealt with the Angel herself," he muttered.
"You shouldn't move yet," a polite voice spoke from the side of his bed. Shinji's eyes glanced to the humanoid figure, a coat-wearing doctor with a bald head and a small honest smile. "You've suffered intense neurological damage." He gestured at a glass filled with pills by the side of his bed. How had he not seen those before? "You should take some. The term 'frayed nerves' isn't something I'd consider literally, but in your circumstances, Mister Ikari, it applies to a surprising degree."
"I...I didn't see you come in," Shinji muttered.
The doctor simply nodded. "I suppose I always forget how you creatures of Lilith do not possess the ability to fold space." The doctor was now sitting on a chair. Whether it was because the chair had appeared, or because he had called for it in existence, a sense of dread filled Shinji's soul. "Please, do not be alarmed," the doctor spoke. "If I had wanted you dead, you would have already ceased existing."
"I..." Shinji swallowed. "What...what happened? You're...you're an Angel?"
The doctor inclined its head to the side. "We are emissaries of a higher will, if that is your definition." He looked down at his hands.
Shinji eyed the doctor warily, no, the Angel. "If...if you could communicate like this...why didn't you do this before?"
"Would you be able to communicate with monkeys, Professor Shinji?" the Angel spoke. "Would you be capable of talking of philosophy, history, or abstract events with living beings who believe throwing their own biological refuse to be something fun?"
"Then...are you using sign language right now?" Shinji asked, his mind reeling from the thought.
"The crudest version of it," the Angel nodded. "And we are talking to the likes of you because you are one of the few who would be able to understand us. The others...the first one broke when we tried, spoke too hard perhaps, shattered her...the second disappeared, subsumed into an entity of wrath...the third is puzzling to understand. You, the fourth, survived. We hope you may see reason."
The unsettling depths of his stomach seemed to churn out enough gastric juices to give off the sensation of being burned alive from the inside out. This kind of thing...he was the one initiating a first Contact of sorts with the enemy Angels. What did they do in movies? 'I'll have to bring it up with the President'? What was he supposed to say? What did they expect him to do?
"Why send the others to kill us?" Shinji asked. "Why attack Earth?"
"You are mistaken," the Angel spoke. "We do not attack. We do not kill. We cleanse and prepare. The Higher Will requires it of us; we obey."
"The...Higher Will?" Shinji furrowed his brows. "What are you even talking about?"
The Angel exhaled, his eyes closing for a brief moment. "It is...difficult to explain myself in small words meant for the likes of you," he opened his eyes again, stripes of black and white in place of his irises. "My identity is Leliel. I shall craft a firmament of darkness for the Higher Will to rest peacefully beneath. All shall fall in slumber, all shall rest. When they wake, they shall act as they see fit. This world...should rest."
"You're not making any sense," Shinji winced, pain lashing through his brain. "Look...you're just a soldier then? This...Higher Will...he's the one ordering you around?"
"The order has already been given. The tool obeys," the Angel, Leliel, spoke in a quiet whisper, which felt like the murmur of a river, the midsummer's pleasant night breeze, the smell of fresh grass. "All shall slumber. All shall rest. Once my task is completed, I will let the next tool awaken. The World must be prepared. The drop must fall; wisdom or foolishness, strength or weakness...the drop must fall, and what it produces is the Higher Will's order and desire."
"I...I don't understand," Shinji mumbled, the headache he was feeling growing tenfold by the second.
The Angel in front of him simply smiled. It was a sad smile. It was a pitying smile. It was a smile that meant sadness and grief. "Rest for now," the Angel said. "Let the pain go. Let the weary find succor. You have done enough. Close your eyes." The right hand of the doctor neared, the pain which was burning hot pokers through his brain now becoming something so all-encompassing that even screaming wouldn't suffice.
There the pain was. Through his entire body. Through his brain. Through his head. Through his skull. Through his bones. Through everything that composed him there was nothing but pain and agony. His beating heart pained him. His lungs burned him. His lips cracked. His tongue tasted blood.
Shinji Ikari woke up.
The dream he had disappeared from his mind.
Around him, the yellow liquid of the LCL stood visible. The cockpit of the Eva was like his, but also different. This was another cockpit. This was another's EVA. The memories flew, but he couldn't understand them. He was too hurt to understand them. There was a beeping noise. There was a silent reminder of something, something which he couldn't understand.
His brain was fuzzy. His tiredness encompassing all of his aching muscles. A hum, a drum, a buzz...strange sounds echoed through his ears like an alien lullaby that made him tired. Why didn't he just close his eyes? Why didn't he just fall asleep there and then, never to wake up?
What kept him awake? Why not wake up rested at a later date?
The Angel.
There was an Angel. He was inside an Eva he didn't recognize and there was an Angel to fight.
He...
Pilot Ayanami was lost in the line of duty.
It was a thought. It was a memory.
Your Evangelion hasn't been fully repaired.
It was a dark reality he didn't wish to remember. Dreams would help him forget. They would keep him happy. If only he rested in the arms of the Angel, he would never again need to suffer. He would know no pain, no agony, no despair; he needed but to sleep, to close himself off, to lock the doors and turn the windows down. To stay in the darkness, forever; to never again walk outside under the sun.
He didn't need the sun. He needed his dreams.
He needed...
Mister Ikari, do you like cream pies?
...The hell are you talking about!?
Sorry, sorry, this always makes my patients crack a joke when I say that line. Still, you like pies?
I...I guess?
Uhm...too weak of a reaction. Then, do you like hot chocolate? Cream? Ice-cream? Ramen?
I...I don't understand.
Well, my dear boy, what do you like? Answer me as honestly as you can. What do you like? What do you find entertaining? What are the things you can't help but want?
I...I don't know.
Then this won't do. It won't do at all. We're going to have to hit some restaurants along the way, won't we? Up you go and off we go.
B-But...aren't you supposed to be a therapist?
Yes, and? We are doing therapy right now, are we not? Humans are by nature social creatures, but when they get hurt by the people around them, they decide to close themselves inside their heads and houses because they're afraid of getting hurt again. They start to think that the world hates them, that they have no worth, that nobody loves them...and I say that the first step to change one's way of thinking such bad thoughts is to eat a good old hot pie. Some dessert, some sugary treat, some fried chicken nuggets or a Happy Meal even! Come on, Mister Ikari...you don't want to be miserable, or you wouldn't have come here. You want to be happy. You want to walk in the sun together with everyone else; you want to laugh, make friends, hang out, enjoy the weather...but you need a hand getting there, and I'm here to help you.
I'm...I'm scared. What if...what if I get hurt again?
Then you will get hurt again, but...the warmth of human contact is well worth all kinds of pain, isn't it? Humans are, as always...interesting creatures, are they not?
Shinji didn't know why he remembered the first meeting with his therapist, Doctor Schopenhauer. He didn't know why the darkness in the cockpit had grown. He didn't know why there was no air. Why the LCL began to cool, or felt like molasses to his throat.
He knew he was going to sleep.
Sleep would make everything...
Ah...Asuka is going to cry if she's left alone again, isn't she?
Sleep was good.
Who was going to feed Pen-Pen if not him?
Rest was important.
Rei died just like his mother did. Father might need someone to speak with.
He didn't need to leave.
I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away.
It's not I must not, Shinji. It's I Will Not.
Shinji's right hand moved. No, not Shinji's, but his Evangelion's did. The fingers pressed against a taut surface. The nails dug through. The liquid he was submerged in opposed his desire to leave, and so he grew angry. He growled. He roared. He slammed his aching body against the surface until it gave way, cracking apart as he landed on the ground on knees that weren't his, on giant palms that weren't his, on a surface of pitch-black darkness which bled like a living being.
The shadow that was Leliel collapsed. It shuddered and wailed, it cried and sang. It died.
It died in a shower of blood and thoughts, and as it did, it died smiling.
The Angel could rest.
The next one would soon come.
Before it did, though, Shinji had one important thing to do.
He had to grieve.
And then...then he had to move on.
I hope that grief is overturned by Rei's return, Shinji.
