Taylor (15)
May 25 - June 1
Heartbreak.
I'd never recognized what that word meant before. It means loss, a loss so profound and unknowable that there are no words to describe it. It means a hurt so deep that you feel it physically, a rending sensation in the throat and chest, only without the cold embrace of blood loss to calm it. It means sitting in a tight ball behind the far side of your bed, listening to your parents raise their voices for the first time in memory. It means overhearing a phone call at 2 AM, with a faceless voice on the other side saying 'Mr. Hebert, there's been an accident.'
It means a bottomless sea of despair when you realize what you've done.
What had I done?
I wandered the streets of Yharnam, absently trailing my fingers along the abandoned carriages, the stacks of coffins, the half-melted statues of famished women. My thoughts were as clear as my vision, crisp and beautiful in the silver moonlight. The memory of Mr. Ethan's face, with my saw only a few bare inches from cutting him down like a dog, had begun to ripple and blur. Once again, the Bay was mere watercolors, already starting to run. It was like trying to hold onto a dream. Waking to the stench of blood and beasts only made it even more ethereal.
I hated Yharnam. I hated that this was where I was awake, that this was what I had to look forward to when I drifted through my life in Brockton. I hated how beautiful the moon was, hated how it had usurped the sun.
I hated the mark of <Impurity> glimmering on my wrist. I hated how killing was the only thing that made sense anymore.
I made my way back to the Cathedral Ward, needing some sort of human contact, needing to see the one thing I'd done right in this damned Hunt. I'd found a great many occupied houses, earlier in the night, but most had turned me away. The rest, less than a dozen all totaled, agreed to seek shelter. Only a few came to the Cathedral Ward, and they cast suspicious eyes upon me whenever I visited, but it was something. It was a few lives I'd helped to save rather than ruin. I desperately wanted that to mean something.
This time, I found the blind beggar engaged in a lively conversation with one of the refugees: Arianna, a lovely woman in a red dress. She was likely the most soft-spoken person I'd met in this city, and certainly the most well put-together, if her formalwear and scavenged chair were any indication. I suppose that made sense, given her occupation. She'd had a good laugh at my expense, when I first came across her lit window, as I'd completely failed to understand the hints and flirtations she'd dispensed. I'd barely been able to look her in the eye, when she finally told me flat-out. Now, though, my teenage awkwardness and insecurities were so far removed from my priorities I scarcely remembered them.
The pair looked up at my approach, and the blind beggar stammered a greeting. Arianna gave me a visible once-over and said, "You're looking a bit tense, Hunter. Something I can do for you?"
"Not interested."
"Hmhmhm, not what I meant. Come here, darling. You'll do yourself no favors if you're worn down to nothing." She walked back to her plush chair--I still had no idea where she'd gotten it--and sat down, beckoning to me with one hand. With her other, she opened her purse, and withdrew something I was very familiar with. The one in the Workshop was older and clearly intended for function over form, but a bloodletting tool is always unmistakable. She tied a ribbon around her arm, saying, "Here, hold the vial for me, would you?"
I did, and once I had it flush to her wrist she took the steel lancet and opened a vein. Her blood was a bright and lively color of red, and when she'd filled two vials with her life she untied the ribbon and re-purposed it as a bandage.
"There you are, darling. Even a whore's blood can possess vintage and bouquet." I put one vial away, and uncorked the other, sipping at it. Iron and amaranth. The drops were a warm touch to my frayed nerves. "You picked a bad night to come to Yharnam, I'm afraid... it's not all bad here, Hunter. It's not all beasts and madmen all the time. You'll see, come morning."
"You'll forgive me if I don't believe that. But... thanks, Arianna. I feel a little better."
"Hm. I won't ask what put such a look on your face, Hunter. I'll be here to listen, if you want it."
"...thank you." It was a generous offer--friendly shoulders are rare enough without the Hunt--but I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't think I would ever want to. I turned and left the chapel, so I wouldn't have to see Arianna's sympathetic eyes, or the blind beggar's hopeful, toothless smile. I couldn't be trusted with either of them. I headed deeper into the Cathedral Ward, out of sight, but I wasn't the only one with that idea, it seemed. A voice hailed me from a shadowed crook.
"Still alive, I see."
"Not for lack of trying, I guess. Hello, Eileen."
"Somethin' wrong?" She asked, as I approached.
"Everything."
"Typical Yharnam, then."
"I thought as much." Eileen was leaning comfortably against the wall of the chapel, looking out over a short balcony that loomed over the sprawl of Yharnam, down below. I sat down with my back to the fence, and set my weapons aside. Elieen made an approving noise as she looked at them.
"You've shaped up quickly, as a Hunter. What's the hammer?"
"Djura made it for me. Well, repaired it."
"Djura? That old goat's still kicking? Ha, how under the sky did you manage to get him to talk to you?"
We spent a while in conversation, Eileen asking me about my Hunt, and giving a few anecdotes about the places I'd visited. I didn't mention Brockton, and I kept my branded wrist within the sleeve of my coat. I didn't know if she could sense <Impurity>, but even if the mark was invisible to her, it wasn't to me. And if it was visible, she was good enough not to mention it. I don't know if I could say the same, if I had seen such a mark smouldering in her. Eventually, with the bright circle of the moon still hanging immobile above us, I asked her what she was doing.
"The Hunt makes Hunters mad, my dear. It's my task to put them down, the ones which have succumbed to the thirst for blood, or the lust for battle." She turned towards me, and I couldn't suppress a shiver. I felt her stern gaze through her beaklike mask. "Hunters are far more dangerous than Beasts, when they lose control of themselves. Someone needs to be watchful of that, and that someone is me."
I stayed where I was, and didn't reply. "...now, I'm staking out the Tomb of Oedon. Henryk, an old hunter, has gone mad. He was Gascoigne's partner."
I drew my knees up to my chest.
"Did you kill him, Taylor?" I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Elieen sighed. "He was falling apart. I'm sure it had to be done. I'm sorry. You see what I mean about Hunters losing control, then." I thought again of the image of my saw, holding it just a few inches away from making another terrible mistake. I imagined my skin tearing like paper, with fur spreading over sinew and muscle. The shadow of Gascoigne still followed me, the specter of what he represented. I could not let him catch me. I could not let this Hunt continue until he did.
Elieen continued, still content for the moment to turn a blind eye to my guilt. "Though, if Gascoigne is dead... hm. Stay out of the Tomb, Hunter. Henryk will have to wait a few moments more. I'm going to go check on someone. And, Taylor?" She pushed herself off of the chapel wall, filled with a sudden impatience.
"Try to keep your hands clean." She left, and I saw her feathered cape recede into the shadows. I stood as well, and gathered up my weapons. Elieen was right, had been right from the start. I didn't have time to mope. I couldn't hide and wait for morning. I had to search. I had only the barest idea of what the Three Thirds was, and even that came from the shadows that hid between Master Willem's words, but I'd kept note of places I needed to examine closer, and that seemed as good a place to begin as any. Back to the Cathedral Ward I went, and through the double doors, making my way to the tower with the winding staircase that connected the districts. Reaching the Abandoned Workshop would be difficult without my grappling hook, but I could bear a fall or two if it came to that.
Even once I got to it, being in the Abandoned Workshop wasn't any easier than it had been, the last time. There was something intangibly sad about it. I didn't wish to linger, but I forced myself to walk the familiar paths, give the hollowed-out stump a friendly pat, and finally enter the Workshop proper. It was still dusty, and its scant books were moldering, and of no help to me. I crossed the creaking floor to the workbench, thinking to give it another look, when I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye that made my heart leap into my throat in surprise.
The Doll was here, sitting in the corner, as though trying to avoid being seen. Except... I took a closer look. This was a doll, a real one, lifeless and immobile. It was exactly the Doll, down to every stitch and seam. I got closer and examined it, enthralled. There were only two differences that I could see, three if you counted the empty gaze. First, pressed into the doll's silver hair was a small comb, which after a moment of hesitation I withdrew. I felt drawn to the bauble, and I wasn't sure why. It was jade, I think, with a delicate carving of flower petals. I tucked it carefully into my coat. It smelled of melancholy.
The second thing was a small jewelry box, cradled in the doll's lap. I touched a fingertip to the delicate clasp, and felt my whole body wracked by a shudder. I recoiled, but...
I touched the clasp again, and carefully undid it, opening the box. Inside was a red velvet cushion, and a small black coil, and a sense of loss so profound and unknowable that I did not have words to describe it. My hand shook as I picked up the small coiled thing that was inside the box. It was perhaps seven inches long, if it had been unraveled, textured with wrinkles and small leathery folds. The cord was lined with small, oil-drop eyes.
I had to grip my wrist to steady my hand. It was dead, I knew it was dead, but that did not diminish the suffocating presence it had. I touched it, and I knew. I knew what it was. I knew what I had to do. I had been right: I was not coming back from this. Not anymore.
I screwed my eyes shut, and felt tears track down my cheeks. I felt the small dead eyes blink against my palm.
"Oh, God."
I slipped the Cord into my mouth, and chewed.
I opened my eyes.
I opened my eyes.
I OPENED MY EYES.