Arc 2, Chapter 1: Reddest River
In this update, we meet a real sick fuck.

Also, Arc 3, Chapter 1: Green Zone Abomination is now on the website!

I noticed that the red trail on the walls wasn't wallpaper. It was blood, smudged across the surface of the white room like an ancient Hollywood joke about color theory. You could see little bits of meat and matter. Alison, skinny in only the way that someone with countable calories and an obsessive cardio regimen could be, stared at me with a dozy grin. "Oh, you're noticing that? It's one of my earlier art projects," she said to me. "I think there's so much beauty to be made with a good corpse, don't you think? Sure, it's so wonderful to keep things alive, to make them pretty and new, but sometimes you just get some materials worth recycling."

I spoke in my squeaky voice. " I love you!" I didn't want to say that, and I did not mean to say it. Jane bent over, giggling.

Alison took my hand and squeezed it. "I love you too," she said. Compared to Jane's rich curves and Starry's digital avatar's increasing muscle — they were all digital avatars, in the end — my toned fitness had been reduced to soft chub. I wanted my new gut and flabby hips to crawl off of my body like centipedes. Alison traced fingers down my sides, groping. "Oh, Eliza sure won't understand you, and Leah's going to ask me to cut off those pretty little police-regrown fingers of yours for appetizers." She laughed lightly. "I might just let her do it, I'd love an excuse to give you some new ones."

Jane stopped giggling. "She really is crazy, isn't she?" she barely strung together. "No, I'm not a hypocrite. Let me talk to her."

"I forbid you from doing so," Starry said.

Jane did it anyway, and I wasn't sure how she managed. She spoke, in her voice. "Listen, uh, Dr. Montaigne, you're not gonna believe this, but you're in possession of a killing machine. We're also cannibals, and it's our job to make sure that Portland wins the Second American Civil War, you know, the 2ACW. What you've got is a military super-soldier you're planning to use as some kind of doll. My name's Jane Montrose, I'm a soldier in the Portland USA Army who she ate and absorbed into her brain, somehow, and I'd love to offer how to teach you to use your investment to the fullest."

Alison smiled and patted my breast. "Oh, Janey. You don't have to worry about that, now." She traced a finger underneath my breast. "I'm just going to make a nice little incision here, to start. I'm…I'm just an admirer of the female form, you understand. Nothing against lesbians, but I'm not one. All I want here is a companion. I don't need a war machine. There's no one I want to kill who I won't kill myself, with my tools." She said it sweetly, even more than a Double Chocolate Marshmallow Krinker.

"What about your boss?" Jane said. "I bet if Luna Moss learned you had a murder-borg in your possession, she'd love to use it?" Jane checked to see if she could get into Alison's internet. She could. "And I will tell her."

Alison groped my tit, hard, as tight as she probably could. I yelped in pain, constriction. "She won't know." She waved a bio-modded finger, and she made me punch myself in my gut. I coughed, agony down there stealing my air. "You tell her and I will make you fuck yourself to death. If I can't have you, well, you know the rest. By the way, just for making that threat, Janey, I hope all the other people in your brain can hear this too: I'm going to drug you." Alison stood up and turned on her heel. "Have we established a beautiful, singular order based in unity?" she said, switching back to her friendly demeanor.

"Yes, ma'am," I said, nodding.

"Now, you're going to stay there, like a good girl, and then I'm going to lop you and give you a big, pretty chest. That way, just like you said, you won't be a useful war machine. You'll be a useless object for good." Alison left the room.

"Jane!" I said, in our shared brainspace. "What the hell?"

Starry spoke. "No, that threat was a 95% certainty. My estimates are failing, but this guess wasn't one. It was simply that Alison acted in a way outside of our expectations. We must surmise that Moss gives her a freer hand than we initially intended."

"Well, you fused us!" I said to Jane.

Alison returned, pushing in a table on rollers, loaded with surgical equipment from foam to scalpel and from needle to devices I couldn't even name. I couldn't refer to her in my monologue as Montaigne. I would have said Dr. Montaigne, but if this freak was ever a doctor she would have lost her license a long time ago.

She took a long syringe from the table, loaded with some kind of glowing gold liquid. "Starry," I said in my mind, gasping. "You'd better undo these enhancements' programming to let me get the fuck out!" I said.

Starry frowned, like a barricade for me to run into. "This is advanced stuff. I'm not a cosmic AI. I can't just dismantle a structure like this. I'll have to look for weak points, entry hazards, anti-intrusion measures…"

"Just do it, please!" I said, and Alison Montaigne raised her syringe, needle-point up. She took my stomach, which was mostly organic, and she rubbed at it. She found a spot, and she began the subcutaneous injection. My world became gold, rapture, flooding like a hurricane, like a thunderstorm, like a moment in the middle of Noah's flood, at the base of the sea, breathing air, the ocean spiraling around you a billion miles down as the anglerfish and the sea monsters were thrown in every direction, in an undertow that would end up up top, over, flying, and I was down here, at the base, surrounded by water and rocky monsters exposed to air-drowning.

I felt as though the universe was imploding, suspended, surrounding me, a rush of ecstacy, of energy moving through my veins, and I saw Jesus Christ return to me in a white coat and stethoscope, and he embraced me, my eyes ranting, my eyes talking like eyelid-mouths, then wide open. Everything was wide open. Joseph Smith touched my head, and he told me to lie fallow during these lazy days, while my body was made into a perfect lantern.

Maybe I was a bomb.

I felt my body implode, explode, replode and unplode. I was drowning, I was screaming, I was living in golden everything injected into my lungs like the mother I had who I wished could have known me as a goddess or maybe as a dancer or maybe as a freak, my awkward two-step and alternate historical affectations shooting through me and around me. They bound me, they stormed me, they drowned me, they were water.

I love Jesus, I thought, as he kissed me on the lips. It tasted like rotting fish, and it smelled like a festering wound. I let him corrode my skin in my corkscrewing imagination, as Joseph Smith took my cheek and told me I was a sister, and they kissed upon me. I thought I was going to the Outer Darkness, which was why there was a swirling portal like something out of World of Warcraft (2085) in my vision, my hallucination, my breaking and my memory fused together. I love you, Jesus, I really do, I trailed off in my head, as religious kisses of pure Outer Darkness cut through my left arm. There was red liquid shooting off of it, but that red liquid rapidly became a kind of pixellated amber.

My eyes were talking, but now they were open-mouthed, my lashes my teeth and my teeth just lashes. I felt as though I had a great big eyeball in my mouth, and I was too high to wonder if it was a gag. I wasn't sure what was in this substance that had been forced into my body, but my body was an angel and I was a part of Jesus Christ, now.

In 2084, scientist A.J. Merriweather was inaugurated, and he swore to dismantle the US's nuclear weapons systems. He succeeded. In 2056, Daybreak Candace Holyfield was voted as President of the United States, and she put through surprisingly comprehensive LGBTQ+ protections as a member of the Religious Left.

In 1974, President Francis Parker Yockey was elected to office. He sicced the Third Klan on his enemies and began to work to exterminate the "Jewish race". In 1956, President George Lincoln Rockwell was elected. In 1932, George Van Horn Moseley came to power in the United States. As the face of a military coup, he abolished democracy in America forever. In 1923, Adolf Hitler became Fuehrer of Germany.


The words ran through my mind, cutting and grinding into it like the amber was doing to my meat. They weren't facts. They were possibilities. They were could-have-beens, never-hads. None of them had gotten into office, except for Hitler, and it had taken him a decade after 1923.

But time bent in my mind, and my tangents were binding me like full circles.

My tangent saved me, reminding me that someone was cutting into my new patchwork arm. It didn't hurt. Nothing hurt. It was beautiful, and sad, to watch my arm leave me. It wasn't cut through. Halfway, nearly, maybe a third, or maybe it was hard to see under all of the redness that became amber.

I heard the trombone noise of Starry trying to say something to me. It was a blorp of sound, too distorted for me to really hear her, but I took it as a sign. I forced myself, with my untouched arm, to launch myself forward, my teeth heading straight for Alison's stupid face.

Jesus watched. So did Joseph Smith. So did the storm, and the ocean, and Hitler and Yockey and Merriweather and Daybreak Holyfield with her perfectly apt surname. We began to eat the air close to her, even if I wasn't sure why I'd want her in my head to begin with, but Starry and the killer's instinct took over.

She decked me in the nose, breaking it and stopping my launch. I reeled back and hit the operating table again, feeling a bump in my head where my standard-issue skull plating was. I still saw amber flood, running down the white table in a pure spiral. It was a gout of flame. I saw Joseph Smith reaching into her heart, plucking it from her chest, but she did not falter. "Stop hurting me!" I yelled, through what felt like an ocean of water.

She punched me in the head again, this time between the eyes. Dazed, she produced a roll of duct tape from somewhere I was having trouble perceiving, and she tried to slap my bleeding arm against the table, tying it to the edge. I grabbed her head with my good arm, and she headbutted me before I could eat her. "Oh, you nasty little bitch," she said to me. She picked up her device — a circular saw, I could now see in a blurred kind of way — and tried to bring it back onto my arm. I swung my injured arm like a flail, trying to box one of her ears. She grabbed my wounded arm and twisted it backwards.

Jesus wept, I could see him doing it.

She drew a second syringe, one filled with a milky white fluid. The point arced down at my leg.

Reagan in the robot body stopped her, grabbing her wrist. "Alison, please. These people are…"

"They're at least two cannibals and terrorists," Alison said, still brandishing the needle. "You can't seriously be saying I should let them keep killing innocent people."

"You must be one of the Sick Fuck Doctors, right?" Reagan said, still holding Alison's wrist. "I don't think you can judge people for killing."

"I only kill people who deserve it," Alison muttered. "Please, just get out of my way so I can fix this little bastard."

I used my good arm. I punched Alison in the face, as hard as anyone could in my position. She fell back. Reagan moved to stand between us. "I know Cerberus are bad people, but they don't deserve torture. No one does." She motioned with her robotic knuckles as if to crack them. "If you actually respect me, you'll listen to me."

Alison stood up, clutching her face. "I respect you. I think you did a good job. I think you risked everything for the common good. Trust me, you'll like them fixed. They'll be a lot less bloody. It's not torture, it's a gift. They'll get to be art supplies."

"I don't like it," Reagan said, which I sort of assumed we all knew about her already. Jesus faded away, and Joseph Smith was standing alongside Alison. Fixed. I'd rather be fixed by her than fixed by my church. There had been instances of families pressuring their queer and trans members to get their orientations and gender identities changed through their neural translators. It was illegal without the subject being an adult able to give informed consent and a thorough psychiatric profile in Portland, but it was tolerated in Deseret, even for minors. My parents weren't that bad, but Joseph Smith was glaring at me. I told myself it wasn't really him. My world was gold.

"What do you want, Rae? What can I give you to make you step aside?" Alison said, to Reagan.

"I'm sorry. I can't think of anything." Reagan grabbed Alison by the arms and pushed her against the wall.

I reached for the duct tape Alison had used, and found it on the floor. I started to tape up my wound on my arm, until I could find some foam or something to help it heal.

"We should go to a hospital," Jane tried to say, and I barely made her out through the gold world.

"No," I said. "They'd just send us back, probably lop us for her." I wasn't sure if that was the case, but my head's throbbing and my previous experiences made me think Portland wasn't a seven-star place to live. "Besides, to quote a great philosopher, I'm tripping balls." I didn't think that Jane understood me, and I wondered if the drug was affecting her or not.

"Sorry, I'm straight," Alison said, with a lopsided smirk at Reagan.

"I wouldn't have pegged it," Reagan said, and I thought she was unimpressed by Alison's confidence.

"Can I tell you a story, Reagan? I think we really can become gal pals," Alison said, still smirking.

"Don't," Reagan said, Alison's body pressed now against a floor-to-ceiling window.

"There was a younger woman I used to know named Alexandra. She was a theo-Nazi, and she had a history working with the infamous David Montrose as a concubine, propagandist, and killer. She livestreamed hangings of racial minorities and created VR games out of criminal footage: games where you could play perpetrator for every crime you can imagine, using real simulations of real mass killings. So I kidnapped her, and brainwashed her through her neutral transmitter. I lopped her, too. Mercenaries broke her out. Montrose managed to fix her brain and put her body into a new robot one. They, unfortunately, managed undo the damage I did to her, and now she's still preaching her cult of death. I could have made her benign, useful, artistic, and beautiful. I was stopped from it. Now she's calling for people like you to be tortured to death on international VRTV. If she had stayed in my company, countless atrocities would have been avoided."

Reagan considered this. "This isn't okay. This thing you're doing, it's not okay." She still held Alison there, while I wound tape around my wound. I could sterilize it later.

"She didn't tell you that she killed a bunch of rear-echelon soldiers too, right? Or that killing and eating all of those cops wasn't in self-defense? What's her body count, something like forty people? I've barely even started brainwashing her, I just began the surfacemost elements of it. I don't know just how many people she's murdered, but what I do can't be worse than that, and if it stops her from eventually just butchering civilians like her aggressive personality so clearly wants…" Alison's smirk became a genuine smile. At least, I was convinced without a shadow of a doubt that it was genuine.

Reagan let Alison go. "Just give me this body, and let me walk away," she said. "I don't want to be part of either of your 'teams', here."

"Sure, it wasn't a pricey 'bot," Alison said, sliding down and walking back to me. "An honor to meet you, Ms. Bradley, like I said." She tilted her head to her and saluted in a relaxed fashion, and Reagan did not mirror the gesture back.

Reagan walked to the door, and I saw her exit.

Alison picked up her circular saw. "Oh, Teddy, where were we? Maybe I'll just start with your forearms and forelegs."
 
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Arc 2, Chapter 2: Procrustes (No Way Out)
Sick Fuck Doctors. Just another problem in Dani's life.

I watched the saw rev up and inch closer to my damaged arm, ready to slice straight through. The blade got closer. It looked sharper the nearer it got, and I tried to push myself off of the table.

"You're being such a pain, you know that?" Alison said to me, refilling her golden syringe from an inkwell-like bottle. She jabbed me in the stomach, and I instantly sank into a sleep so total that not even my dreams could rise.
***
I woke up with the feeling of bruises on my back, and a soreness in the back of my head. I turned my head with its stitches and fusions to see my stumps. They were stubby, bandaged as they were while the foam she must have used regrew the ends into little nubs. I tried to pick myself off of the table, but I ended up just wriggling.

She beamed at me. I guess she found it cute. "Finally," she said, putting a hand on my chest. "Finally you learn, you little brat." Her hand felt continental in weight, with how she pressed down on me. The drug was out of my system, and I saw that I'd urinated on the table, but I noticed I was thinking in a very sharp, clinical manner. I supposed this was a defense mechanism.

Oh. Oh no. Starry's getting closer to my brain, I realized, and I wondered what the fuse she was doing with it.

"This is disgusting," Jane rather obviously vocalized, floating above our lopped body. "You're lying in your own urine."

"I know, I can see that myself!" I said, in my head, but truth be told the bickering now felt so stupid and minor. I felt an overwhelming anger at Alison Montaigne, at the Sick Fuck Doctors I know knew she palled around with. This wasn't cruelty on her part. This was mercy. I was a monster, and I intended to show her that truth exactly.

My self-loathing felt more clear with Starry's influence, which I suspected implied a certain amount of dislike on her part towards me.

"Well, all I'm saying is that we're fucked, and Reagan Meanswell stole the only escape body," Jane said.

Alison mewed, while wiping my piss away with an absorbent surface. I tried to tell her to shut up, but my new robotic larynx could only make cute ruffs and growls. She tittered further.

I wished my eyes had laser warfare capabilities, so I could pop her smug head like a watermelon under an artillery strike. Unfortunately, they did not.

"I can solve this," Starry said. "Alison keeps her neural translator under lock and key, and it's an expensive model, but it's also of a model that the internet says had a known security vulnerability. I could take control of her. I could stick a digital override system into her brain, have her fix your body, and then I could have her drive to Montrose, feed her to him, and I'd come back to our usual body while she gets the 'decadent progressive handed over to a Nazi monster' treatment. It would be, if not trivial, at least doable."

"That would be a violation," Jane said. "That would… Not my dad. Not the Chosen Soldiers remnants. Why can't we just break into her head and make her fix us?"

Starry spoke calmly, a sword cutting through the starlight. "If we simply did that, that would be a true violation. She'd devote the rest of her life to making us suffer, and as you can see, she's rather adept at it. If we got her arrested, she'd be let free. If I killed her, she wouldn't have suffered enough. She needs to be demolished."

"We can't do that," Jane said. "I don't 'feed' people to Nazis. I don't know what your problem is."

"I… I think the idea is sound, even if we should find a different monster than your dad to hand her over to," I said, in my head. "What about Montana? We could throw her there, in the land where black and white mean the same thing, where 1-1=2. Proth is insane, but she's not a Nazi."

I wondered what kind of painkillers I was on. Probably not opiods. Maybe electronics.

Alison, seemingly unaware of our internal monologue, picked my body up and hugged it tightly. She carried me in her embrace over to a night-sky blue couch, and sat down on it. She tickled my stomach, like someone would with a baby, and I stared at her. Did she really deserve this? "Oh, are you thinking about something?" Alison asked. "Like bodyjacking me and ruining my life? Come on. You didn't think I wouldn't put a warning system in your brain to tell me when you're thinking bad thoughts, right? Do you think I'm that stupid?"

My eyes widened. "Why are you doing this?" I said, and my new larynx at least got it out. "Why are you like this?"

Alison began to rub my stomach, letting out a comfortable sigh. "Oh, Teddy, that's such a good question," she said. "And trust me. I'm not going back to Montana." She said that second sentence with what I could assume was trauma: now that she was scanning our thoughts, it seemed like she was going to continue to do it. "Montana isn't some knockoff of an Orwell book. Montana is a society that failed. Montana is where broken people teach broken people how to be better, but because they're so twisted and flawed they teach it wrong. It's a school full of lies, a family that kills its own members, all that stuff."

I chose to listen. Jane did the same thing. Starry, meanwhile, ranted about wanting to "eagerly drop this quim into Montana with even more excitement on [her] part", and I wondered why she chose to use that antiquated word specifically. "But anyway, to answer your question," Alison said. "I do this for a few reasons." She had pretty lips, like those pink sucking candies. It made me want to kill her and fuck her face.

Alright, Dani, let's not delve into necrophilia, I reminded myself, though I knew I'd never really do it. It wasn't a barrier I was interested in transgression.

Alison continued. "Have you ever felt like you had no agency in your life?" She rubbed my tummy. Stomach. Whatever. "Have you ever worried that your fate was out of your hands?" She traced fingers down my side, down my cheek, like raindrops or tears given to me. "I wonder if you're starting to feel that now. By the way, I patched my own security vulnerability. My first love was never surgery: it was programming and engineering." She kissed me on the forehead. "I bet it's scary, to know that you're at life's mercy.

"Well, you'll be okay. I've just seen people like you, who kill people, who cripple, who end the lives of others, who make mourners so sad, and I don't like it. All I've ever wanted with my creative practice was to make people like you feel exactly as small, scared, and impotent as your victims are. I was like that, once. I didn't have a choice." She pressed me against her stomach, my torso uncomfortably soft. I wished I could be like Jane, and wear chub with pride, but not now, not here. Not when she gave it to me. "I'd like to be open with you, Teddy," she said to me. "When I was fifteen, in the last throes of the American state, I was taken to a troubled teen camp. It went bad, they always do. Troubled teen camps are often unethical institutions. This one wasn't, but they were dangerously incompetent. They sent me to a psych ward in Montana. They said it was the only place that could help me. It scarred me, my impotence, my terror at losing everything. Then, Luna Moss declared Cascadian independence, and I watched America die at my lowest point. I saw Chosen Soldiers move from an organization to an army, and then from an army to an empire. I was too small to stop it, too small to do anything. I didn't get to hide out in Deseret. I watched Samara Proth come to power. I lost any ability to do anything but obey orders. I had to get out. Eliza and Leah, they saved me. They got me to Portland, they ingratiated us into the system, here. I guess all I'm saying is that lopping might be awkward and uncomfortable, but I'm only doing to you a less permanent version of what you've done, what I've had to suffer for decades."

I spoke, and she let me. "Listen. I have this voice in my head, an AI. She takes control of my body. She makes me kill. Those rear echelon soldiers? She made me kill them, bodyjacked me. I know what it's like to be along for the ride." I looked up at her, and I comprehended her story. I should have hated her, but she resonated. I did hate her. She was crazy. We were both victims. We were both monsters. Was there even a line, even a difference? If you could launder evil with trauma, did it really pay for the privilege? If it didn't, if you couldn't, I was fucked, wasn't I?

I was going to the Telestial Kingdom. I was going to be a disgrace forever. I was going to be a perfect failure.

Huh.

I thought she noticed that I was a little perturbed, uncomfortable, and she put her free hand on the back of my head: the other was on my shoulders' back. I felt cradled, tormented, mutilated, violated. I struggled to find words strong enough.

But that violation had turned cold, because it was done by a mirror of myself.

Alison believed me. I knew she did, I could see it. "I'm sorry. Teddy, what's your name? It sounds like you're going to have to stay Teddy forever, just to make sure that this AI in your head can't hurt anyone else. I wanna know your actual name, though."

"My name's Dani," I said, now aware that there was no way out. "We're both monsters."

"We probably are," Alison admitted, and there was less of a trace of sing-song childishness in her voice than usual. "Dani. That's a nice name. Did you pick it yourself?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Same," Alison said. "Tell me about this artificial intelligence. I won't make you tell anything you don't want to."

I didn't trust her, but I at least felt like this woman had enough of me in her to be safer to side with. Maybe she could take Starry out of my head, before I started thinking that the kill plans might be possible again. So, I told her the truth. "Her name's Starry. She can't hurt you anymore. I think she might be able to hurt me. She probably can force me to hold my breath until I choke or something. She's a second layer, written on top of my own psyche and brain. She wants to kill people, kill people until Pacifica can win the Second American Civil War. She's abused, traumatized, and talked down to me, made me a slave in my own body. The more I kill, the more I change and grow. I eat people and use them to make myself faster or stronger or smarter. I had bone lances, before you cut my arms off." As usual, I said too much.

Starry froze time.

She appeared in front of my body, with her fucking arms and legs, and she looked down at me. It wasn't that I didn't want to do her plan. It was that I realized I didn't have to, and that changed the calculations. "Dani," Starry said. "I'd consider killing you, but then I wouldn't have your brain to run myself off of. You traitor."

It all unfroze.

Alison spoke. "Teddy, Teddy, Teddy… I can't take her out of you. She's running off of your brain, if she left your brain wouldn't function. I know you're thinking about getting free, but even I can't separate that."

Starry changed her tune, literally, by changing her demeanor and perspective while putting on some dramatic classical music on in my head. Time froze. "There, you're stuck with me. Don't you get sympathetic to her. Remember that I saved your blasted life."

I was trapped between two demons.

Starry continued. "You're too nice for your own good, it's annoyingly counterproductive. There has to be a way out of this situation."

Jane, meanwhile, said nothing, listening to the music and lying back in the air as if in a hammock.

Alison got to rubbing my back with her hands, and I sank into this twisted love. At least, I now knew, I wasn't going to hurt anyone else.

I'd been mutilated, demeaned, and dehumanized, but the back rubs didn't feel that bad, really.

That said, there was a pretty fucking glaring question: If Alison implied she did this stuff before, where were the other lopped victims? Did she really kill them all after she got bored of them? That seemed to contradict her therapy-esque rant at me.

Then, Starry started to act nice to me.
 
Arc 2, Chapter 3: Mirror, Mirror
Read ahead here.

In this chapter, Dani finds out that she might not be so different to Alison Montaigne, save for the fact that she doesn't surgically mutilate people and hold them hostage. That's a pretty big difference.

"I'm sorry," Starry said, freezing time so she could talk. I knew that her doing that was wasting the energy contained in our biomass, and I knew she was using up resources just to make this about her. I was trapped between a butcher and a parasite, I was stuck with a freak like me and a cold intelligence. "This is how it is. I know you don't want to admit it. The human race are all like her. Every single person is a savage.

"Who cheered when Luna Moss shelled rebellious Seattle? Who eagerly begged Trump to come back in the popular vote? Who let the liberal fantasyland of Russia get corrupted into an engine of suffering as bad as the Putin years? Who unleashed the Iraqi empire on an unprepared Middle East? Who guns down babies in Portland? Who gassed and experimented on 'subhumans' in Chosen Soldiers? Who allowed England to reclaim its bloody crown? Who handed France the means to create a new colonial empire? Who shot JFK? Who raped all those people in Apollo Quiboloy's church? Who did so many crimes that the very word 'crusader' still rings out as a term for a vile killer? Who set cities ablaze, who killed the disabled in Sparta, and who brought Rome's grand genocide to ascendency? Humans, Dani. I want to stress that I'm not blaming you, and I'm sorry for talking down to you, for using you like this. It's just that humanity's edge is a blade deployed against itself, against animals and ecosystems. You're doing the best you can. I get that, now," Starry concluded.

I noticed that Alison's face was frozen in a comical expression, which must've been Starry's plan all along. "Why are you sorry?" I asked.

"Because you don't deserve it. Because humanity is an infection, a monster, but you're just, what, a blood cell in the beast? You can't be accused of doing anything but following your nature. That nature is going to be what kills this planet over and over again, as always, but you're a tiny cog in a vast machine." Starry still was looking down her damned nose at me.

"Is the reason you like bodyjacking people because you're so terrible at your social skills?" I asked. "In case you can't tell, I don't have any limbs!"

A digital avatar of Alison, small and winged like a butterfly fairy, floated into our time-stopped (time-slowed?) zone. "An infection? That isn't nice to say to someone," she commented.

"Neither is lopping someone," I said.

"We've established that that's a sad necessity for a greater good." Alison shrugged, speaking sweetly.

I thought about the Telestial Plane, how I'd be separated from everyone I loved for eternity. Most Mormons were terrified of the very notion. I was, too. Then, I'd been lopped. That changed things.

I was going there.

I was never going to see my family again.

I was going to be alone and a disgrace to my family and faith forever.

And I was okay with that.

I'd earned it in fire, after all, back when I burned the family home down.

They were better without me. Everyone was.

"Are you okay?" Alison-the-small-fairy asked me, because she could read my thoughts.

"Don't you fusing test me," I said, making a rude two-fingered gesture. Apparently people used to just raise a middle finger, but with Britain's ascendence and America's decline the pop culture had changed.

Everything changes, I think, in time.

Anyway, she shrugged again and giggled once more. "Do you really believe a just God would separate you from your family for eternity?" she asked.

I sat on the couch, which I chose to describe as "my" couch, even though it really wasn't. "Honestly, I see myself in you," I said. "It's just that I'm who you could be if you weren't talented and always in control." I decided if Starry was going to be offputting and arrogant, I'd have to do some manipulation of my own. "I never had programming skills. I never had the brain to pick up surgery and bio-modding. All I ever was was a trans woman in a state that hated me, with a gun and a merc contract. Every day, I get mentally violated, and I've always just been a weapon. I never had your wealth or your business skills."

"Awww," Alison said, rubbing my tummy. "That's so sad. I promise I'll give you a great home."

"All I want is to matter again. I want agency over my life. I'm sick of getting put in situations like this. I'm tired of being fucked over and fucking other people over. I want to stay in California, drink cocktails, and sing karaoke. I don't want to be a possession, and I don't want to be a slave."

"Did I fucking ask?" Starry said. "I'm very serious. Did your wants or needs ever matter, here? This is war, and you signed up to fight in it. You took the money, so you ought to do the job. This is desertion, cowardice. You have nations of enemies to slaughter, and when you're done you'll have those cocktails in a brand-spanking-new trans-oceanic republic. That is your job. Do your fucking job."

"What about apologies?" I asked, whining like a little bitch. "You said you were sorry."

"You did say you were sorry," Alison said, visibly taking joy in seeing things go exactly how she probably wanted.

Starry pointed a finger in my face. "You're all savages, animals. You run away when you get bit. You don't stand and fight." She turned to Alison. "And you're a fucking domesticated dog who lowers everyone else around her to her level."

Alison said nothing. "You're really going to just take that?" she asked me. "It's incredibly hurtful. Genuinely mean, even." Her digital avatar hugged me, and I felt it. I hated it.

I would have made a fist in that moment if time wasn't stopped in this conversational torment nexus. I considered the idea that—

Fuck that. Fuck Starry. Fuck the bubblegum psycho who invaded my mind. Fuck all you bitches. Fuck these hoes.

Now my brain was going back to the way people talked a century ago, which I could only explain as being part of my ever-increasing insanity. I also reminded myself that "hoes", in the context of early 21st century American English, was a rather sexist term for a woman: basically calling someone that meant to call someone a 'whore', 'prostitute', or other terms that should've been outdated. I was at least thankful that my internal monologue took the time to lecture myself on my own word choices, which I figured was probably the result of my progressivism taking on a self-loathing quality.

Yes, Mr. Therapist, it all really does come down to my childhood.

I wished I still had a therapist.

I used to have Branch President Marion Wilkins, but after I transitioned he stopped wanting to see me. It wasn't like the movies. He didn't start ranting and calling me slurs or anything. He just kind of quietly looked at me after the bio-modding had made me a woman and told me he was sorry. He told me he failed me, that I was going to suffer in Satan's realm as a son of perdition.

He told me that even a single churchgoer falling as I had would mark him and the entire Branch in God's eye forever. He said that my family had failed, too, that they hadn't impressed upon me the wisdom of the prophet. Everyone had failed me, and now I was to be the worst kind of failure.

He told me that I should remove my name from the church's rolls. The LDS Church, he said, was for those who aspired to a great uplifting. I could only bring multilation, violation, and horror.

He embraced me, and he told me I'd need to either return to the same gendered body as those of my past lives, and atone endlessly for my transgressions, or that I would be a weapon in Satan's hands forever.

I told him I would stay a Mormon. I meant it as an insult, but I did mean it. "You can't take this away from me" was what I meant, but I think in retrospect I had just accepted my own damnation for the first time in my life.

Alison spoke. "I'm sorry," she said. "Teddy, you're a good girl, okay? You've made mistakes, a lot of mistakes, you've gotten involved with powers beyond your control, but you're a good girl. I see that, now!" She put my head up against her breast, so I could hear her heartbeat. It sounded natural, which implied that Alison was low-mod. Was she a vegan? Maybe she was a vegan.

Starry, who I was pretty sure could also read my memories, rolled her eyes. "Alison, you lived in a cultish police state. Jane here—," Jane having been "sleeping", "was abused by her Nazi father to make her into a weapon for the Aryan volk. Dani got off nice. Dani had nothing to worry about. She wasn't arrested, she wasn't beaten, she wasn't created for war and used as an attack dog, she wasn't a slave of the most infamous new religious movement since Scientology, she just got a bad reception from her pastor. That's nothing, and if she wasn't too stupid to disbelieve in her obviously bullshit — even more obviously nonsensical and comical than other religions — faith, she would not even need to care. Dani, as usual, is whining about nothing."

"Do you hate me?" I asked Starry. "Is that all you do, just try to make other people suffer? I've been mutilated and tortured with drugs, and all you have to say is that I should have become some kind of SciPhreak-style enlightened atheist? Are you just every intrusive thought I ever had? Are you my depression? Why do you do this to everyone you come in contact with?" I kept talking. "You think I'm an idiot? Well, guess what," I said. "Have you ever even thought about why you're programmed to win this war? You're a weapon too! Just like me and Jane!"

"Hey!" Jane said. "I am not a weapon."

My rhetorical point having missed its mark, I tried to clarify. "I mean that we're all being used. Maybe you were being used and Starry and I are still being used, but this doesn't make sense. Why were you programmed to win this war? Why are you so cruel? If you were meant to get me to kill everyone, why aren't you funny and charming and nice? Why can't you be like Jane?"

"The communist torturer?" Starry asked. "Because 'niceness' isn't 'rightness'. It's not doing the right thing, it's just putting a pleasant face on what's typically the wrong thing. You want to know why I treat you with hostility?" she asked.

"I would like to know," Alison said, in a sing-song voice. "It's a little uncomfortable, you're a very forceful figure. Fascinating, though. I'm going to have fun examining your psyche one of these days."

Starry put her hands on her hips, and her Marilyn-esque blonde hairstyle changed to a buzz cut. "Well, it's not your business."

"Hey, you guys know that what Starry said about me was bullshit, right?" Jane said. "Like being a living weapon for my Nazi dad. Being some kind of rebel leader. I'm not Luke Skywalker, she's making shit up." She was still wearing her leather uniform with the red star on her lapel, over her heart, relaxing in the air in her invisible hammock.

"I don't want to know," I said. "I just want all of this to stop."

"Nothing stops," Alison said. "Everything always keeps going and going and going, until the end of time." I guess she thought it was profound.

I turned to Starry, and a thought crossed my mind. "So I need more biomass to add things to my body, right?"

"Yes," she said. "I'm glad that, in this particular case, you were paying attention like your anal dispensary species so rarely does."

I mentally asked Starry to unpause the world, and I rocked on my back before kicking with my stumps so my teeth landed on Alison's arm. I started chewing, biting down. I devoured, I ripped, I cut and I ate, I took in every single atom of muscle on the thing that I could, I watched her scream, I watched her shake and fail to get me off, my teeth delving deeper into it. I had my sides — helpfully able to do so thanks to Montaigne's preference for curvier women — grab at Alison's hand and pin it down, both of my mouths now grinding away at bone and flesh.

My side-mouths sucked her in and she grabbed her arm with her other one, trying to pull it out, trying to escape, trying to punish me, but my teeth were cutting deeper and crueler. Fuck all you bitches. I climbed with my jaws as my arms regrew into thin, bony mechanisms. My legs followed, becoming narrow enough that I wasn't sure I could sustain myself. I pulled a large chunk of red matter off with my teeth, then stood up with my slender limbs, claw-like hands, and rapier bone spurs. I laughed.

I cackled, fusing, unstoppable. I shot out my bone lances and put one of my hands on her shoulder. "Physician, heal thyself," Starry said with my voice, which was fundamentally unhelpful.

She ran, one-armed, across this worthless penthouse apartment. I was grinning like the kind of slasher VR game character I was becoming. I watched her run away, and I took a massive fusing pleasure in walking around with my skeletal, skin-hugged feet. Just enough muscle to enable it, just enough fat for it not to hurt.

I saw the trail of blood and the person who created it make their way to the operating table. I saw her do something with an organic foam gun. Frankly, there were a lot of medical toys I hadn't noticed earlier. She injected something into her stump, and I couldn't bring myself to care. I looked at those floor-to-ceiling windows, I cracked them open with two piercing strikes with my bone lances, and I crawled through the hole like a spider.

I worked myself around to hang off of the building's edge. I chose not to look down, and instead I climbed up. My combat senses told me that the building itself was loaded with people. That meant it was full of guards, too. I could see their infrared heat profiles. So, I hopped up, windowsill by windowsill, high-altitude wind by high-speed burst. My claws sank into the windowsills.

It was a simple job, and I pulled myself up with the speed of a running cheetah: I was just going vertically. I launched myself into the air and landed on top of the building, where I made my way to the rooftop emergency door. Thankfully, probably because this bougie place had a pool on top, the door was unlocked. So, covered in my kidnapper's blood, I walked down the beige halls of this top-as-fuck building.

People saw me. I glared at them. They didn't pull any alarms.

I approached the elevators, which were more like sealed pods with TVs installed. I put on Crown of War with Alexandra Morreo, to nurture my hatred of the bitch. Apparently, she was wearing a pristine white look. Figured. Fortunately for me, right now she was just shilling for night vision goggles for when anarcho-primitivist smut-peddler Jews would somehow destroy post-industrial civilization. I chuckled as she half-assedly tried to claim that the Jew's eyes were too poorly adapted to use night vision goggles, so any non-Jew who bought them would have the edge.

She almost looked frustrated, now looking like some kind of weird and horny conservative's version of a Classical statue made of marble. I pressed the button to go down to the ground floor, and the machine woke up and did its damn job.

"Hey, babe. So, you feeling déjà vu, or is it just me?" Jane said, taking my hand. "I'm pretty sure we should've killed that chick. I don't wanna sound like Starry, but are you really gonna pussy out every time?"

I didn't say anything for a moment, then I spoke. "We stole a helicopter and murdered all those people, now you want me to have killed two celebrities on top of that?" I asked. "This, relatively speaking, is laying low."

Neither one of them could argue with that.
 
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