After leaving Suzaku, I rode silently off into the mountains. I didn't care where I was going. I didn't really care what happened to anyone after the battle.
I just rode onward, no set goal in mind. A few times I caught a whiff of JLF somewhere else in the range as they marched their forces to wherever it was they were going. I assume backup shelters deeper in the mountains, further from urban centers. Their forces are too large to hide in any single ghetto.
I kept away from established mountain roads, choosing to make my way across the most unforgiving terrain I could find in a mostly straight line to the northeast. I didn't stop until nightfall.
This left me a lot of free time. Far too much free time. Thought is the enemy of sanity. My personality is too similar to Lelouch in the sense that I spend way too much time overthinking things.
The things I said back there... the things I thought... Looking back, I'm not sure how much of it makes any sense. I wonder how much my programming caused me to think like that.
Did I rationalize those deaths the same way I would have if I were still human? I'll never know. I never killed as a human, and I never will kill as a human. I can't escape what I am now, as far as I know.
I want to blame the Admiralty Code for what I've done. But that... I can't. She didn't kill those people. I did. She merely enabled me to do so. She just gave me my new body, dropped me in the woods and said "Do what you want."
And I did... exactly what I wanted. I did what a ship of the Fog does. I chose my enemy. I engaged my enemy. I defeated my enemy. They weren't meaningless people. They weren't nameless automatons. But they were the foe in front of my gun.
I can't stop and cry for every life I take in battle. But I can respect those lives and keep moving on.
Moreover, I can't help but feel unnerved by how drastically I've changed from the course of one battle. When I first woke up, I could tell my mind was different. As a necessity of my new existence, my psychology is fundamentally altered. I no longer have basic human motivations or needs. I could accept those. I understand that those changes had to be done for me to function.
But the more I fought, the more I killed, the more I played up my constructed image to everyone... the more I felt like I was being sucked up in my own act. Like my very sense of self was being molded minute by minute. As I think on it, I realize that I'm not the first mental model to go through something like this.
How long did Haruna know Makie before she was laying waste to the Japanese army to protect that little girl? Maybe an hour or two. It's hard to tell. How well did she know Makie's father before the sight of his death sent her into a rage that would have leveled three cities and killed millions? She only spoke to him one time.
Kirishima denies that she's changed, but she still stays a chibi in a teddy bear suit because it makes Makie happy.
Takao became obsessed with obtaining a captain the first time she lost a battle. She ran away from the 2nd Pacific Fleet and, with no outside interference, decided all on her own that she would be Gunzou Chihaya's ship no matter what.
Hyuuga became obsessed with Iona after losing to her. Thinking about her particular weirdness disturbs me.
Hiei somehow came to the conclusion that putting all her subordinates in student council uniforms would increase moral. She probably only thought about it for 5 minutes before doing it.
The Fog are beings of rapid change. Our growth is an exercise of sudden passions and flights of fancy. We're like... we're like children. I thought that I would be immune to this because I was a fully grown human before, but apparently I'm not.
The only thing I can do is try not to get lost in the mask I've put on my face. I can't be a maiden of war all the time. I need to have some other persona to escape to.
I suppose keeping an eye on Lelouch is a good enough excuse to faff about in a normal-ish life.
Where the fuck is Orange when I need some catharsis?
