You know deep down that there's no real other option, that for all the good reasons you had for going where you did when you did, at the core there was always one little selfish reason too. Putting off what was to come just a bit longer, almost praying for something to go wrong just so you could have an excuse to feed her when she came wondering why you didn't visit when you said you would. But Olga made it clear, didn't she? You two have to work together, or everything everywhere dies.
Of course, you might still fail, and then you'll just be miserable when the end times come, but even you know that's more a little pathetic to imagine just to avoid speaking to her. You're strong now, aren't you? You're strong and dangerous and tough and you're not trapped anymore. It'll be fine. It'll be fine because it has to be fine, because you've stared down the Sword of Promised Victory and blocked it and it's completely stupid to be afraid of talking to her now that you've been granted so much power. You just need to keep reminding yourself that things have changed, that you're the strong one now. That'll keep your head held high when you're there.
It doesn't take long to get to Niamh's room, and it doesn't take long to figure out which one it is either. Where before it had been as plain as the other rooms, a steel sliding door set into uniform walls with only a numbered panel next to it to offer any kind of variety, it seemed to have been replaced with aged wood, beautifully carved into illustrations of towers and castles and knights and dragons. You recognise it from years ago, the exact same door to Niamh's wing of your tree-grown manor, and the sight of it makes you tense up a little more. An illusion she won't even see most of the time, but it's so flawless you'd almost be fooled if you weren't familiar with the real thing. Even the scent was perfect, and it takes you back with all the tenderness of a brick to the face.
Just seeing that little reminder of the house you grew up in is enough to send a shiver down your spine, and you almost miss the gentle green glow of one of Niamh's summoned pixies darting through the door like it isn't even there. Meaning that Niamh had been looking out for you, and now she knows you're-
"Ea-aaaadward!"
Fuck.
You'd hoped for a few moments to get your bearings and try calm yourself down after that stupid door made you flinch but now it's sliding open and swinging out at the same time and it even sounds like a heavy, creaking oak door because why wouldn't it, and she's staring up at you with the kind of smile people reserve for loved ones who've recently come back from the dead and you-
You can handle this, you can. You're strong now. Just fake it for a little bit, mention you haven't eaten, and excuse yourself, you can handle this.
"You're finally here! I was waiting for a while, it did give me time to finish remodelling, but you must have been busy!" Her smile is as sweet as ever, but the words feel like you've swallowed ice and you scramble to respond with your excuses.
"I-I...had to make sure my Servants were behaving, and then the Director wanted to talk to me. I would have been here sooner but-" She gives a little "hmm!" of appreciation and she starts to speak again.
"Ah, right! Well, you're here now, that's what matters, right? Oh, I'm so sorry about what happened earlier by the way, I know that doctor man was trying to help but really, interrupting us the first time we got to chat? I should have locked the door or had someone stand guard, but I just didn't want to leave until you woke up, so..."
There's not a single hint that she thinks anything she's saying is wrong, and as much as you entertain the fantasy of letting the vitriol fly, you know it would only make things worse. It's better for everyone to just give her what she wants, so you fake a small smile, tired of course, but making an effort to visit her regardless, aren't you such a good brother, and nod.
"Don't worry about it. I'm feeling better now."
Even that little noncommittal answer is something she accepts happily, and when she steps in and moves aside to invite you in, you stare for just a moment. You can't really help it, considering you're walking into a forest glade.
Gone are the sterile grey steel walls that the rooms had, gone are the sliding doors to the bathroom, gone even is the ten-by-ten limitation on space. You're walking into a sunlit glade in the middle of a dark forest, every breath you take full of life and light and energy. You can smell sun-baked wood and teasing notes of roses and lavender and hyacinth and every flower you've ever liked, congealed into something that should offend your senses but just delights them instead. You can feel the heat from the sun warming your skin where your armor leaves it bare, see the seemingly endless expanse of the forest surrounding you, and after the hellscape that was Fuyuki and the agonizingly artificial aesthetic of Chaldea, you can't stop yourself from enjoying it, as much as you know you shouldn't. An errant thought crosses your mind, and when you turn to look at the door, it's like a portal to a completely new world, a rectangular window back into Chaldea's monotone halls carved into reality without a single thought for how physics should work.
And then it slams shut.
You can't help but jump, and then immediately Niamh is at your side and squeezing your arm and talking about how the door has to shut quickly or her Bounded Field will be disrupted and she'll have to start all over again as if she didn't put it all together in the space of a few hours tops, and you smile and nod and act understanding like her touch didn't make your skin crawl almost worse than the sudden slam of her door.
Being trapped inside this idyllic fantasy she's created makes you feel like you've swallowed acid, and no matter how much you repeat to yourself that you can free yourself if you have to, that twisting little fear nestled in your stomach doesn't disappear.
Calm down.
You can handle this. You're...you're both members of Chaldea. You're crucial, even more than she is. She got that speech just as much as you did, you're sure of it. You're going to be fine.
She starts to tug you along without any hint that she's letting go anytime soon, worming her way into the spaces where your chains don't cover your arms, and you don't want to burn any goodwill you might have so you let her pull you closer to the center of the glade. The moment you cross some kind of threshold a curtain of shimmering light pulls back, and you can see that even the empty glade was an illusion, something for Niamh to admire without anything polluting it when she felt like it. Behind the veil, there's a small cottage with two of Niamh's faerie knights standing stoically on either side of the entrance, dark wood making up the walls with a base of chiseled stone and a set of delicate wooden steps leading up to the door. Niamh stops and holds out her hand expectantly to the knight on the right, opposite you, and then giggles as he leans down and kisses the back of it. It's a fantasy world that you remember all too well, except ten years ago it was a real forest.
When you came to Chaldea, you left everything behind except the comforts you could bring in a single suitcase and on your person. But her? She just learned how to take her fantasy and make it for herself wherever she went.
You hate her a little more for that.
The interior is about what you expected, a carbon copy of every single idyllic cottage the innocent protagonist of a fairy tale lives in at the start. Illuminated by the light flowing through the windows, but you see little oil lamps suspended for light when it gets dark, a stone fireplace with cushioned, carved-wood chairs arranged around it on one side, a small little table for eating with a tea-set on top of it, a bookshelf delicately filled with illuminated tomes and stories on another side, and a small set of stairs leading up to what's no doubt an equally perfect bedroom. A few paintings adorn the walls of the cottage, a knight slaying a dragon, a princess in a tower, children fleeing a house made of gingerbread. Her tastes haven't changed in the last decade.
It makes your stomach turn to be here again, your instinctive reaction to the false but wonderful life around here battling with the biting, bitter cold of the memories of your time at the estate she's patterned this off of, and for once you thank whatever god is listening that Niamh has always been so focused on herself. If she wasn't, she might have seen your fists clenching before you could stop them, notice the cold sweat at the back of your neck, the little tremor you gave when you stepped inside. She's come to fight on behalf of humanity but she's just- she's just playing house inside here while everyone else is doing their best to help, like there's nothing in the world that matters besides this. It's enough to make you sick, more so than you've already felt.
"Here, sit, I'll get you some tea." She finally lets go of your arm and all but pushes you into one of the wooden chairs without a thought. It'd almost feel like you're kids again, if it wasn't for the clanking of your armor. She sits down beside you a second or two later and you know that's not fast enough to have made anything at all, but understanding dawns as soon as you turn to glance backwards. A beautiful woman with light blue skin and pointed ears wearing a long, grey silk dress is tending to the stove and the kettle. When she notices you looking, Niamh gives a proud smile and starts to speak.
"She's very helpful, isn't she? Once I started being able to create silkies properly I was able to cut down on a lot of time doing work! I mean, I could have just used brownies, but they aren't really all that pretty. What do you think?" It's an utterly bizarre line of conversation to launch into, but you're almost glad for it. If you can keep her focus onto other things long enough, you might not have to discuss the awkward topics, like why you've avoided your dear old family for a decade, as much as being around her is still making you squirm.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think she's...nice. It must be handy, not having to do things for yourself when you're away."
"Absolutely! I mean, back home we had the Géaga, but you know what they were like. So difficult. You remember all the times they would ignore me and I had to make sure they paid attention? Silkies are so much more reliable!"
"I..." You remember glowing scarlet eyes and a whipcrack voice, ramrod straight spines and bulging veins and forced-shut mouths as the homunculi that you grew up with had their will ripped away from them for taking too long, or for having another task at the time, or for interrupting when she was doing something else. You remember her turning to you and-
no
You can't do this. You have to but you can't.
You want to call for help but you have help now, if you're careless you'll just bring Archer or Circe down onto Niamh's head and as much as the thought grasps at your id and demands immediate relief you can't jeopardise everything. Your chains are biting into your arms tight enough to turn your fingers red and your breathing is getting out of control and the way she looks at you you know she can tell something's wrong, and then she opens her mouth and speaks like she isn't the reason you're like this and you can do nothing but sit there and listen.
"Are you alright? Is something wrong?" She leans forward and reaches out, you're not sure if she's trying to check for a fever or squeeze your shoulder or whatever, but it takes everything you have not to smack her hand away. You have to- to lie, you have to get yourself under control, you have to.
"I-I, just…" Talk, you idiot! "I haven't eaten yet, and I'm not...feeling very well. I just wanted to make sure I saw you like I said."
It's the kind of transparent manipulation you'd be embarrassed about if you could feel anything that wasn't nausea, but whether it's the Demi-Servant thing, the fighting in Fuyuki, or just because she's realised that you were in a hospital bed until a little while ago, Niamh doesn't look angry or upset that you're not well. For a moment she gives a blank stare, as if the idea that you're not okay is something totally novel to her, before clapping her hands up to her mouth in shock, and all you can think of is how glad you are she didn't touch you again.
"Oh! Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I didn't realise you hadn't- oh, I'd have gotten some food but I didn't think, I should.." She stops for a moment, biting her lip before sighing like she's just been told she's not allowed to play with her new toy just yet. When she speaks again you get the distinct impression that she's forcing herself, but speak she does. "...We...do have time, so...it's alright if you need to take care of yourself. You did so much yesterday, after all. Saved my life especially. We can postpone for a little while…?"
"Uh…" Hesitate, hesitate, hesitate just long enough that you can make it seem like it's an actual choice. You must look bad if it's enough to make her actually stop and think, but fuck it, you'll use it if she's going to dredge up the past and stab you with it without thinking. "...Yeah. Yeah, sorry, I just…"
"It's okay. Your health comes first, right? I don't want you too sick to spend time with me." She looks like she's been kicked in the gut, but she's at least keeping from actually bursting into tears. You don't know how you'd handle that, but you're pretty certain it wouldn't be good for either of you.
The silky stares wordlessly at you both as you exit the cottage, Niamh clinging to your arm tightly enough that it might have felt uncomfortable if your chains weren't still digging into them, if the thought of her touching you didn't already make you want to be sick all by itself. The door appears as you step forward, cutting its way into reality between one blink and the next, and a quick glance backwards confirms the cottage is hidden from view again. You move to take a step forward and Niamh doesn't let you go, and for a moment your heart leaps into your chest as the fear that she's changed her mind surges through you, but then she looks up and gives you a weak smile as she starts to speak in the kind of unsure voice you'd never imagine her capable of.
"...Come back soon, okay? I know that you've been off seeing the world since I got the Crest, but...I missed you. I missed you so, so much. So...come back soon. Please."
It's earnest and honest and open and it makes you sick to your stomach and you know she can see it, but she thinks it's all because of what happened yesterday. Seeing the world. That's what they told her? That's what she believed? They should have just told her you were dead and be done with it, but your parents were probably too afraid of upsetting their fucking faerie princess. It's all you can do to nod in response, giving her a weak smile and promising to come again soon, and then you're outside the door and the illusionary oak is creaking shut behind you and you start to walk away. You walk and you walk and you don't stop until you're out of sight and down a side-corridor and no one is around to see you collapse back against the wall and sink down against it, your chains finally loosening as you take great, heaving breaths to try calm your heart, to try settle your stomach, to try stop the shivers wracking your body.
You've got power now, you've got importance, you've got people you can call for help, and none of it mattered even a little. The door locked behind you and Niamh started to speak and you were fifteen years old again, watching your sister throw a tantrum and doing your best not to draw her attention until she calmed down. It didn't matter that you'd fought rogue magi in their seat of power before, didn't matter that you stared down their creations until they blinked, didn't even matter that you've fought Servants now and came out on top. She- she scared you. She terrified you and you hate it, hate yourself for being so weak and hate her for making you like this.
Your hand scrabbles towards a pocket that isn't there for cigarettes you don't have, and you let out a groan that comes out more like a whine. You don't know where they are anymore and right then and there it feels like the most unfair thing in the world. You sit there for some time, you're not sure how much exactly, until you hear footsteps and murmurs coming from down the hallway. Frankly you'd have preferred a few more hours, but you're not trembling anymore, and the queasiness in your stomach is at least partially due to hunger now. You can move, at the very least, and you don't want to get caught looking like you've passed out in the middle of the facility.
Moving feels good, or at least better than doing nothing. Burning off any kind of energy, any kind of motion is a distraction, and as long as you can stop thinking about those awful few minutes you spent in Niamh's room, you can get back to normalcy. The cafeteria is your goal, what with your stomach reminding you as you calm down that you haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours, and fortunately you manage to avoid most of the staff that you pass. Before long, you're entering the bustling room, and almost immediately you spot a problem.
Goemon is making some kind of scene, in that he's already hoarding a small pile of random objects beside where he's sitting. Most of it seems worthless, but even from across the room you can see the telltale glint of some kind of jewellery. In front of him are a few playing cards, some face up, others face down, and he holds two in his hands with an easy smile. You can't tell what expression the man facing him is wearing, but considering he's dealing with Goemon, it can't be pleasant.
Someone bustles past you to make a beeline for the plates and trays, and you sigh quietly.
Fucking Goemon.
[ ] Intervene. If Goemon is playing cards you're willing to bet he's cheating at cards after all that talk of stealing he gave when you summoned him, and you really don't want to let this be a lasting impression. Plus, after dealing with Niamh, it might be an opportunity to relieve some stress if you can get him somewhere private to yell at him, even if it means it'll take more time to get something to eat.
[ ] Ignore it. If he's playing cards and he's introduced himself to people like he did to you, it's their own fault for getting fleeced by him. You need food and you need it now, and besides, it's not like you're the only one who can take care of things. If it gets really bad you're sure someone will call Da Vinci or something like that.
