Remove ads

Dragon Harem Quest - Or: Saying You Were Gay Wasn't The Conversation-Ender You Hoped For

Reader mode
[x] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.
 
Hahahaha yesss he is an INCREDIBLY special boy.

[x] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

Don't forget to compliment him because twink vampires are pr fukn gucci.
 
[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.
 
I want one.

[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.
 
[X] Fight him. Well he did ask.
--[X] Dig through the treasure for some kind of magic weapon. Maybe you'll get lucky and find something that counters whatever kind of undead he is.

he wants to fight, lets fight! And also get our paws on that gold. Magical treasures found in the heat of battle are the ones you'll treasure for the rest of your days.
 
ZerbanDaGreat said:
He seems surprised you bothered to ask. Pleasantly so, in a genuine way you can't really bring yourself to be angry at. He leans against the doorframe with folded arms, putting himself in your field of view.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Still wanted that sweet, sweet lore but I'll take a SL up.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
"Secret door behind the crest," you say instantly "We find what goes in here-" you tap the divot again "-and that-" you point at the wall at the top of the first flight of stairs "-goes up or down to reveal the path."

"You really do know your stuff," Issachar says.

"No need to act surprised about it every single time!" you grumble. "I spent a lot of time in my youth designing fantasy lairs, every wyrmling does it! I'm not on trial here!"
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Oh god, this is going to be our bonding thing with vampire boyfriend, aren't we? Just trading ideas for traps and puzzles for lairs. Cute.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
"Mmmnnnnnrrghhhh I hate the ones where you have to backtrack," you whine. "Puzzle hints and items should always be in or around the puzzle area in question or naturally attained while you explore! This is just sloppy right here."
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Poor showing there. Going to have subtract some boyfriend points for poor puzzle practice.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
"Want me to take this one?" you offer.

"No no, I'd like to play around with this some," Issachar says. "It's quite fascinating - such a shame it has to sit here gathering dust. Figuratively speaking."

His hands fly deftly across the controls, poking and prodding and experimenting, eyes flicking up to the sheet music balanced on top of the controls and back down again. Even the false starts sound beautiful, the crystals humming and resonating even in the brief moments that the light beams pass through them. You lean against the railing, watching that look of calm concentration on his face as he puzzles it out. Hah, he really meant what he said - he's not really the type wears their feelings on their sleeve, but even to you it's clear he's having the time of his life figuring out how the crystal display works.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Music of the spheres, eh?

ZerbanDaGreat said:
You find two ghosts in a bedroom, one in a dog mask, but whatever they're doing is their business so you just shut the door again and go on your way.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

We should probably mention this to vampire guy at some point. Kind of ruins the whole creepily preserved grandeur, empty of all life aesthetic when there are ghosts going at it in one of the rooms.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
And then the lid of the sarcophagus you missed amid all the wealth grinds open. A shape slowly rises from within, not just climbing out but levitating, righting itself from a sleeping position to something more upright as it turns to face you.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Oh, that's from... I want to say the original 30s Dracula? The one with Lugiosi.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
He flings his cloak open in a dramatic flourish and you completely forget whatever it was you were going to say next. For starters he's shirtless, and even with his complexion you cannot deny that it is one fantastic chest he's baring to the world. He's lean and athletic, carrying the sort of whipcord strength - and what he lacks in pure bulk he makes up for with tone so carefully calculated it seems downright artistic, good lord you wonder how one man can seem so soft and beautiful while still seeming like he doesn't have a spoonful of spare fat in his body. He wears a pair of glossy black gloves so long they go all the way to the shoulder, clinging to his arms as if painted on, conforming even to the curved claws you spy at the tip of each finger. His pants ride low enough to cause a stir all on their own, a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, so tight you wonder how he can even stand it but you can't bring yourself to complain because those polished curves are exceedingly easy on the eyes. He plants his long, high-heeled boots firmly on the edge of his coffin and stares down at you - his gaze seems to capture you all over again and good gods now that you look at it is that makeup? It has to be. Black gloss to highlight the natural darkness of his lips, eyeshadow and eyeliner to emphasise his already alien and otherworldly gaze. This man knows presentation.

"... (Eldingar?)" Issachar prompts you, nudging you in the small of your back.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Ahem. That is a very impressive entrance. He's going to turn out to be kind of a massive nerd, isn't he?

Actually. *Looks at puzzles* he's already shown himself to be a massive nerd.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
You were too lost in the moment to appreciate it at first, but with renewed focus you realise that the lights have come on. The chandelier is burning bright, what must be two dozen candles set in the heavy brass thing even as it creaks ominously with every sway. Twin jets of flame burst from something or other hidden behind his coffin, framing his monochrome form with a burning 'V' of heat and light and sparks, as from all around the room music begins to play. You notice Issachar check behind one of the drapes out of the corner of your eye, taking a surreptitious sniff to doublecheck - enchanted gramophones, all playing his accompaniment in synch.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Yeah, massive nerd who is very good at looking cool.

[ ] Fight him. Well he did ask.
--[ ] Drop the chandelier on his head. It's big and obvious, and in the context of this mansion it seems to all but scream to be used.

Traditional swashbucling hero thing. Well, actually the classic vampire killing thing would be to break a badly boarded up window to let sunlight in. But that'd be counterproductive to dating him, unless Eldingar has a thing for piles of dust.

--[ ] Dig through the treasure for some kind of magic weapon. Maybe you'll get lucky and find something that counters whatever kind of undead he is.

Ah, the Beowulf method. He almost definitely does - see boarded up windows. Vampires have a weird sense of fair play.

--[ ] Break the magic gramophones. It might throw him off his rhythm, make him vulnerable to a quick knockout.

Why? After all the effort he's obviously put in, he'd cry or something! Do you want to make our vampire boyfriend cry?

[ ] Push Issachar into the proverbial ring to fight him for you. Maybe this way you'll get him to show his stuff.

Issachar probably duel him while lecturing him half to. Double death?

[ ] Try to negotiate a peaceful resolution to all this. After all, he is your future boyfriend. A magic map told you so.

Look, do you really want him to waste all the effort he's put in? Also, protip, a magic map lead me to you is... OK, I have no idea how good a pickup line that actually is. Though it'd be funny seeing Eldingar trying it.

[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

I propose an investigation into a subject matter of singular import. Can a vampire blush, and if so, how devastatingly cute would it be? Especially when contrasted with his sex appeal and his dramatic entrances?

Also, that is good music. Eldingar should ask where he got it or if it was an original composition.
 
[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

A dance off competition hopefully.

This LI is too bishie to waste.
 
ZerbanDaGreat said:
"If I wanted to be a little inaccurate yet pithy about it, I'd say that the thing people like me venerate is knowledge. Learning about the world we live in just one little piece at a time. Setting our sights higher than gods to the hows, the whys, to an even greater power and intelligence than them should one exist. Opening yourself to understand more, making your world just that little bit bigger, is the most admirable thing a person can do."
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
oh crap he's a fantasy scientist -5/10 immediate garbage tier do not pass go do not receive £200.
ZerbanDaGreat said:
Of course they all look miserable and put-upon but that's accurate to both family paintings and real life so it passes by you with scarcely a notice.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

ZerbanDaGreat said:
You turn to find a ghostly image of Éamon at the dinner table, his translucent form almost completely obscured by a haze of ever-shifting white mist. He sits in silence at the head of the table, staring at each empty place in turn, before looking down at the rich feast before him as if it were as appealing as a plate of ashes. He pushes his chair out and stands up from the table, wrapping phantom fingers around the wineglass as he rises. He rounds his chair and goes to the fireplace, hunched against the stone, arm raised over his head. Staring into the flames as if they will offer him some answer, some solace. If it does, he's dissatisfied - he hurls the contents of his glass into the flames and vanishes, the empty glass shattering on the floor a moment later. The wine goes up in a flash of heat and the fire along with it, burning itself out in one last fireball. There in the ashes lies half of the nonspecific crest you need for the next stage.

"Well," you say. "That was a bit of a downer."

You immediately shoot Issachar a look. He meets your gaze. "What?"

"You know 'what'," you say. "You were just about to launch into some lesson about how all the wealth in the world can't substitute for company and companionship."

"And yet by bringing it up first you've only proven that I don't need to teach that particular lesson," he replies with a playful glint in his eye.

"Mmrrrrgghhhh you," you grumble. "Let's go check the second floor before we move on to the east wing, might be some keys or something up there."

More lonely antique corridors, lit only by a few low-burning gas lamps and the flickering light of the storm raging outside. With every step the mansion seems to groan softly, whispering to you in the way it creaks and settles, warning you that you don't belong, that fleeing now is the only way to escape alive. You're much too busy jiggling locked door-handles just in case there's something important hiding in the twelfth guest bedroom or something - and to your smug validation, you're right. Sheet music of some kind using unfamiliar notation, kept in an ornate box on the nightstand. You get Issachar to pocket it since you lack any... clothes, for starters, and lead the way back down the corridor and into the east wing - might as well work your way down since you're already here.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
You know I think this is the heart of what I enjoy about this trip, and this quest in general? It's this kind of blase juxtaposition of some pretty well-executed stock fantasy stuff that kind of begs to be taken seriously, and in a lot of stories probably would be taken seriously, demanding that the main characters treat it as a Serious Adventure that they must Dramatically Struggle to win through... and it all gets treated as set dressing for the characters to riff off of, very much like Eldingar pushing the zombie back down into its grave. It speaks of a confidence on @ZerbanDaGreat's part in the character dynamics being the heart of this story that I really dig, even apart from enjoying those character dynamics in their own right.
ZerbanDaGreat said:
It's a treasure vault. It's money. It's all the accumulated riches of the Douglas household hidden behind all the puzzles and monsters and curses and now you've found it and it's yours! You hop up and down in unmitigated glee, tail lashing happily as your eyes dart all around the room to look at the piles upon piles of treasure. It's a big room, big enough to be some kind of secret underground chapel, complete with its own chandelier (they do like their elaborate chandeliers), drapes emblazoned with the house heraldry hanging at all four corners. There's gold, there's jewels, there's jewellery, there's paintings, oh there's everything a dragon could want and it's all yours! It's all yours by right of you bloody well found it and you can finally have a proper hoard again!
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Mmmm seriously considering killing whoever's at the end of this so our poor blue dumbass can feel better about himself.
ZerbanDaGreat said:
He flings his cloak open in a dramatic flourish and you completely forget whatever it was you were going to say next. For starters he's shirtless, and even with his complexion you cannot deny that it is one fantastic chest he's baring to the world. He's lean and athletic, carrying the sort of whipcord strength - and what he lacks in pure bulk he makes up for with tone so carefully calculated it seems downright artistic, good lord you wonder how one man can seem so soft and beautiful while still seeming like he doesn't have a spoonful of spare fat in his body. He wears a pair of glossy black gloves so long they go all the way to the shoulder, clinging to his arms as if painted on, conforming even to the curved claws you spy at the tip of each finger. His pants ride low enough to cause a stir all on their own, a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, so tight you wonder how he can even stand it but you can't bring yourself to complain because those polished curves are exceedingly easy on the eyes. He plants his long, high-heeled boots firmly on the edge of his coffin and stares down at you - his gaze seems to capture you all over again and good gods now that you look at it is that makeup? It has to be. Black gloss to highlight the natural darkness of his lips, eyeshadow and eyeliner to emphasise his already alien and otherworldly gaze. This man knows presentation.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
... nevermind, this guy's too good to kill.
ZerbanDaGreat said:
You notice Issachar check behind one of the drapes out of the corner of your eye, taking a surreptitious sniff to doublecheck - enchanted gramophones, all playing his accompaniment in synch.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
A lovely touch.

[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

As the update points out, he's clearly put a lot of work into this, so he won't appreciate having that effort negated just because a magic map told us we can be boyfriends. Best to mollify and wrongfoot him a bit first.

... oh god, he's a vampire NEET to match Eldingar the dragon NEET, isn't he? He just acts all cool because theatre is part of his obsession.
LupineVolt said:
also just gonna preserve this character description in the Boistiary for posterity.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Boistiary is a good word. Zerban, can we get that in the post somewhere?

Eldingar right now:



(he's hooooot)
 
Last edited:
...
I already love this vampire
He is wonderful
We must add him to the hugger hoard.
[X] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.
Best option for our derby lizard boi
Maugan Ra said:
...oh my god he's a vampire with a love for melodrama so pronounced he actually provides his own battle music.

I am actually in love.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
He's wonderful, isn't he?
He probably has multiple stages of bossfight set up and everything.
NemoMarx said:
To be fair, I think we'd do the same thing? And given our love for puzzles it might be more of a common cultural practice for people who own Lairs.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Actually, Eldingar doesn't.
Remember, momingar is disappointed that adventurers cannot get it.
Our lair is build up in such a way people cannot enter.
We do not have a proper dungeon lair.
Might change tho.

...stars
Now I need Eldingar, Abzu and vampire boi nerding out over puzzle and dungeon design.
 
Lizard Knight said:
Actually, Eldingar doesn't.
Remember, momingar is disappointed that adventurers cannot get it.
Our lair is build up in such a way people cannot enter.
We do not have a proper dungeon lair.
Might change tho.

...stars
Now I need Eldingar, Abzu and vampire boi nerding out over puzzle and dungeon design.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Look, we've already established that this quest has a Stronghold/Dungeon Keeper/Heroes of Might & Magic Town Screen style construction component, and we've just had contractors start turning our unfurnished cavern into a basic castle-style lair, so clearly this is where we pick up the boyfriend with hands-on dungeon design experience to help us with the practicalities of further renovations.

That's right, the latest prospect is something far more important than a vampire husbando! He's an interior decorator husbando.
 
Imrix said:
Look, we've already established that this quest has a Stronghold/Dungeon Keeper/Heroes of Might & Magic Town Screen style construction component, and we've just had contractors start turning our unfurnished cavern into a basic castle-style lair, so clearly this is where we pick up the boyfriend with hands-on dungeon design experience to help us with the practicalities of further renovations.

That's right, the latest prospect is something far more important than a vampire husbando! He's an interior decorator husbando.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
We shall utilize his skills with wizard goobando to make the perfect dungeon lair.
It wil be a great bonding experience.
Also why do you keep turning Eldingar into a Racoon?
He is a gaint lightning lizard, not a gaint thunder Racoon.
(No that is a husbando later on)
 
ZerbanDaGreat said:
"And yet by bringing it up first you've only proven that I don't need to teach that particular lesson," he replies with a playful glint in his eye.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Okay so Issachar still makes me wary but I have to give him points for that one.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
"And... there," he says, smacking the big red 'on' button.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Oh hello Nier OST. This is going to get depressing isn't it.

ZerbanDaGreat said:
The spectral display is enough to make you think wistfully of what it must have been like in its prime, what a treat it would have been to watch it all from this lofty perch with pride.

And then, as quickly as it came, the music is gone. The chandelier stops dead, the lamps wink out, and the ghosts vanish. The ballroom is plunged into silent, cold darkness broken only by the loud, ringing clatter of the second crest half falling from its hiding place in the chandelier and bouncing on the floor below.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Yup.

So, huh, a vampire Beethoven with too much time on his hands? Undeath must get really, really boring; what must have started out as lair protection / preserving the family's riches seems to have become puzzles in the vein of 'no please someone come here it's incredibly boring here'

[x] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

So lets dance.

(Vladhoven totally has one of these rattling around somewhere to play his personal theme tune doesn't he)
 
Last edited:
[x] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

Oh my god the vampire is a nerd and Eldingar is perfect for him please let us be nerds with the vampire
 
[x] Compliment him for his choice in accompaniment because this battle music really is quite catchy.

...Still holding out for the talking skull.
 
[X] Fight him. Well he did ask.
--[X] Dig through the treasure for some kind of magic weapon. Maybe you'll get lucky and find something that counters whatever kind of undead he is.

We can compliment his fine taste in music after we've given him the boss-fight he clearly wants.

Lizard Knight said:
As a vampire, he would probally survive if we vaporized him down to a skull
and probally could still talk
...
But lets avoid that, I like this undead nerd.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
But typically vampires need blood to heal from terrible injuries like that, and then we could feed him our blood and then part of us would be with him forever and what's the point of having a vampire boyfriend if you aren't going for creepy-bloody acts like that?
 
Reader mode
You must login or register to reply here.
Remove ads
Back
Top