"I'm sorry for making things so awkward," Tomoe-san says, perhaps to your parents just as much as to you. "I can leave if my presence is bothersome."
"No," you say. "It's not… You're not bothering me by being here, Tomoe-san."
It's the constant flashbacks to every other time she's been in this position and not survived that are bothering you. "Just… Try to enjoy breakfast more than I am, I guess…"
You try to let things be from there, but you know you can't help it when you keep seeing flashes of what could have been.
What have been- "Homura-" Until Archer's voice once again snaps you out of your thoughts.
You still haven't eaten anything. "I don't mean to pry – and if you don't feel comfortable discussing this right now I'll understand – but… Well, I've been watching you for a while now-"
Been watching repeat after repeat of all the horrible things you've seen happen to your friends in your shared dream-space. "-and I've only ever seen you this bad once before. So, I have to ask: Do you… Do you think you might have PTSD?"
"That's the one where you get messed up because of something bad you've experienced, right?" you hear mom asking. Tomoe-san says nothing, but you can see on her face that she understands where Archer is going with his inquiry. "But, hold on- I thought that was something only soldiers got. Why would Homura-"
"War is the most well-known way for someone to acquire PTSD, yes," Archer says. "But it can happen to anyone who's been through something traumatic. Knowing what Homura's been through, I think it more than qualifies." Archer looks at you, and with no more than a spoken "So?" he asks you again.
"Probably," you respond. You'd never thought about it, because you've tried your hardest not to dwell on those failed timelines not that you've finally reached one where you've succeeded.
In the end, it didn't work. "Though, for obvious reasons I've never gotten myself evaluated." Not only are the mental health services in this country lacking at best, even if you found someone compassionate to speak with in the service, what would you even say? There's nothing you could tell a normal person about what you've been through that they would have even the slightest chance of understanding, not without thinking you were completely insane. "I'm pretty sure every
puella magi suffers from PTSD in at least some form."
There's no way they wouldn't with how self-destructive this kind of life is. "I'm sorry…" You whimper without even realising you've spoken. "I'm sorry for being a failure. I'm sorry for not being able to keep myself under control like I usually can. I shouldn't even be freaking out like this right now. I'm not even the one who got hurt last night, and Tomoe-san's alive. Not like- Not like-"
You can't even bring yourself to say it.
Mom's arms are around you before you've even had a chance to let your shaking voice cut itself off. "You are
not a failure, Homura," she says. "You've been through something so awful that I can't even imagine, and yet you're still so strong in spite of everything."
You don't feel strong. Not now. Not like this. Not when you can't even keep yourself from freaking out even when Tomoe-san is alive. You've pushed it down countless times before, so why can't you push it down the one time she managed to survive?
"Are you really that stupid that you can't figure the answer out for yourself?" you hear the voice of your witch asking inside your head. "It hurts so much more now because she survived. Because you know you can't just undo and try again if she hadn't. Because you're allowing yourself to care about the people around you, it hurts so much more when you know you've only got this one chance left."
"You seem unbothered by all of this," you try to respond. You don't know how much stronger you sound when it's the voice inside your own head that you're talking to.
"Why aren't you as shaken up about Tomoe-san almost dying?"
"Just how many times do you think I've had to watch her die for real?" your witch responds. "Sure, it may only be the same number of times as you, but the difference is, I've already fallen to despair. That's why I am the witch, and you are not. How much sadder do you expect me to get at your friend surviving her near-death experience, when I'd already mourned her death a hundred times before I was even born? So long as we haven't lost anyone we care about for real, I have no reason to make a scene about it."
It seems a bit callous, but you suppose your witch has a point. You're shaken up by how close Tomoe-san came to dying, but if you were in your witch's shoes, forced to watch your friends die over and over again before you'd even been born, you suppose you too would be unbothered as long as they were still alive. "If you ever feel like reaching out to someone for help," Archer says, "I'm always willing to listen. I've had plenty of time to reckon with my own PTSD, and I know a few things that can help when you're having trouble." All you can do is lean into mom's embrace, feeling like a failure for being so weak even though you know you shouldn't. "That goes for you as well, Tomoe. If you ever need to talk to someone about what happened last night, I'm more than willing to listen."
"Thank you, Archer," Tomoe-san says. "I may just take you up on your offer some time."
"Homura-chan, how come you look so upset?"
After breakfast was finished, you left for school as quickly as you could. You didn't mean to run out on Tomoe-san like that, and you hope she understands why you felt like you had to do it.
You apologised to her once already, but you make a mental note that you'll apologise to her again after school is out. "I haven't exactly been having the best morning," you say to Madoka in response to her question.
You left breakfast without eating anything. "I'm sorry. I just-"
"It's okay, Homura-chan," Madoka says. "You don't have to apologise. You've done nothing wrong." Madoka pulls you into a tight, warm hug, and you feel her reach up on her tip-toes in order to plant a kiss on your lips. You'd prefer if she could stay like that, but she pulls away, saying to you "I know I might not know much about what you and everyone else are going through right now, but if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone about it, I'm here for you. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, Homura-chan, even if I don't really understand any of it."
[ ] Tell Madoka what's got you so upset
[ ] Don't tell Madoka why you're upset
"Anyway, Madoka," you say in order to change the subject away from your own weakness, "How are you feeling about Assassin's lessons? Do you feel confident with the material she's teaching you?"
"Well, it's a little... How do I say this?" Madoka muses, sounding unsure of herself. "It's really interesting, to finally learn how all of this stuff works and kind of what you and everyone else have been doing all this time, but..."
There's always a but. Sometimes, you wish it could be Madoka's butt instead of Madoka's "But..." "But I'm still feeling a little nervous at the thought of going into a practical lesson. I know you recommended runes because you thought they'd be safer, and I know you trust Assassin enough to not give me a practical lesson until I'm ready and can do it safely, but... What if I'm never ready to do one safely? What if I try, but I hurt someone anyway because of how strong my magic is?"
Knowing how strong the magical potential within Madoka is, and how much you've done to shy her away from the world of magic in the past, you can't say you blame her for being scared of her own power.
The same power that, when you let her wear your Soul Gem for just half a day, caused you to overheat from the amount of mana coursing through just her middle finger alone. You shudder to think of what could happen if the wrong hands were to lay themselves on Madoka. "That's why we're trying to teach you this now," you say. "I know it's scary, and I know we'd both rather not see anyone get hurt, but all the same I'd much rather see someone get hurt accidentally during a practice session, than for you to not know how to control your powers at all and cause much more widespread hurt because someone used your powers for evil." You take over the hug, pulling Madoka back into your arms.
Is it just you, or has Madoka gotten a little taller since she turned sixteen? "Still, I'm confident you won't hurt anyone. Assassin might be-"
A massive pain in the ass. "-abrasive, but I trust her to see this through now that she's put her mind to it. She won't let you hurt anyone."
"That being said..." Of course, you couldn't let this adorable little creature go so easily, and there's one more thing about Madoka's lessons you need to address with her. "Assassin spoke to me about your... Animal drawings, in private last night. I told her you'd take her lessons seriously when it came time for a practical lesson, but she's still concerned for you."
"I know," Madoka replies. "I... I do it 'cause I get nervous thinking about how strong I am, so drawing cute little animals helps me feel a little better about it." Madoka hangs her head, adding "But, I get what Assassin was trying to tell me last night, about how I need to be careful with my linework when I'm working with runes. I'll try to do better next time."
[ ] Reassure Madoka that, by acknowledging her mistake, she's already doing better
[ ] Solicit some cute animal drawings from her so she gets it out of her system before the next lesson
[ ] Suggest Madoka think about an artistic career choice, like a storybook illustrator or a tattoo artist
[ ] Suggest she join you in Nurse Ortensia's office for lunch, so you can both practice together*
[ ] Say something nice about Madoka's butt, maybe the out-of-place-ness will make her laugh
You've still got lunch coming up after this, which means that before anything else, you'll have to address the occult-club-shaped elephant in the room. Given the chance for something to have leaked to the public yesterday about Tomoe-san's headlessness –
Get it together, Homura. Tomoe-san is alive – you should probably make sure that nothing unseemly has gone public.
But that's far from the only problem that gang of weirdos has put on your plate, isn't it? So, [ ] How do you want to approach this?
-[ ] Sit in for a while during lunch and just listen to what they're talking about (do not choose if * is chosen)
-[ ] Try to subtly steer the conversation towards the topic of headlessness, and see who responds and how (what do you say to accomplish this?)
-[ ] Come right out and ask if anyone has heard rumours about a headless girl since yesterday evening
-[ ] Ask Hayami-san about her friend who saw the white cat the other day, and ask if she's heard anything else from them since
-[ ] There's still the matter of you not knowing whether Miyabe-san can read minds or not. Do you want to do anything about this right now? (write-in no or what you want to do about this)
[ ] Other (write-in)
