Bond Breaker (SI - Multiverse Cross)

[shadenight123]

Author's note: Well...I always wanted to try my hand at a SI. So...here we go, onto the breach...doing strange stuff.

Index TRACE IN PROGRESS​

God is the key. God is the lie. God is the nothing and the all.

BOND BREAKER

Naruto.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven

Evangelion.
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen

Harry Potter
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three

Mass Effect
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine

Naruto
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four

Legend of Zelda
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight

Harry Potter
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty

Mass Effect
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three

Naruto
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Six

Frozen
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine

Evangelion
Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty-One
Chapter Fifty-Two
Chapter Fifty-Three
Chapter Fifty-Four

Harry Potter
Chapter Fifty-Five
Chapter Fifty-Six

Mass Effect
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Chapter Sixty

Legend of Zelda
Chapter Sixty-One
Chapter Sixty-Two


Frozen
Chapter Sixty-Three
Chapter Sixty-Four
Chapter Sixty-Five
Chapter Sixty-Six

Sword Art Online
Chapter Sixty-Seven
Chapter Sixty-Eight
Chapter Sixty-Nine

Mass Effect
Chapter Seventy
Chapter Seventy-One
Chapter Seventy-Two
Chapter Seventy-Three

Evangelion
Chapter Seventy-Four
Chapter Seventy-Five
Chapter Seventy-Six
Chapter Seventy-Seven

Star Wars
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Chapter Eighty

W40K: Space Marine
Chapter Eighty-One
Chapter Eighty-Two
Chapter Eighty-Three

Fate/Stay Night
Chapter Eighty-Four
Chapter Eighty-Five

Harry Potter
Chapter Eighty-Six
Chapter Eighty-Seven

Frozen
Chapter Eighty-Eight
Chapter Eighty-Nine
Chapter Ninety

Evangelion
Chapter Ninety-One
Chapter Ninety-Two
Chapter Ninety-Three
Chapter Ninety-Four
Chapter Ninety-Five

Legend of Zelda (Wind Waker)
Chapter Ninety-Six
Chapter Ninety-Seven

Omake
UNLIMITED HUGS (DON'T) WORK
Chapter Sixty-Seven soundtrack

The Rules

1) I am Super-Imposed on another reality.
2) My only contact is through the Chained One.
3) I cannot contact anyone else.
4) The chain can pull through objects and animals, but not humans.
5) The chain pulls through copies of objects, but souls of animals.
6) Super-Imposed copies of objects can only be done once per object.
6a) The copies still maintain a sort of physicality with the things around them. A Soul-Ball will bounce off a real wall and a real or soul object. I am the only thing -with my bloc notes and my ipod- that can traverse real things. Soul-things do not acquire that property.
7) The chain 'advances' through a series of Ka-chink sounds heard by me alone. After Five Ka-Chinks, there is a ten second pause before the final 'Clunk' is heard. And I move on.
7b) Gain trust is method A. If it is revealed, then the method becomes the death of the supporting cast to the protagonist.
8) Large Universal laws that are intrinsic to the universe carry through if I can be subjected to it. Overarching concepts are acquired, like Symbolism, becoming 'Evil' if the world's definition defines me as such, and so on.
There is only Chaos. Live. SURVIVE. MURDER THEM ALL.

Chapter One.

I opened my eyes. My natural routine, over the course of my years of life, has always been to wake up, go to the bathroom, head for the coffee pot -holy coffee- and then turn on my computer. I always did that. It's so deeply ingrained into my skull that the only thing that can prevent me from doing it is some sort of physical entity blocking my actions.

There were no physical entities blocking my path.
Then again, I wasn't even in my house to begin with.

And I didn't have legs.
That should have shocked me.
It didn't. It didn't mostly because it was either a dream -a very deep and vivid one, I admit- or it was a hallucination brought forth from lack of sleep.
Since one of my permanent fixtures are deep eye bags, I can reasonably deduce lack of sleep and hallucinations could be a part of it.

I never hallucinated before, so it was sort of cool to be actually conscious it was a hallucination of sorts.
The room I was in was a small one-room apartment, there was a kitchenette, a large window on one side, a bed in a corner, and a few drawers and dressers around. There was a low Japanese-style table, and a microwave on the counter top where the sink was.
There was a door leading to the bathroom, just as there was a door leading outside, probably.

The sound of a chain rustling caught my attention next, and I looked at my left arm.
Oh, how nice. I had a chain which seemed to tie around my arm, and that seemed to hold the other extremity beneath the bed sheets of the room's only other occupant.
I took a deep breath. Hallucinations were not real.
The fact was, the best thing to do when hallucinating is to stand still until it goes by, because you never know if your next step will lead you down the stairs, through a trafficked road, or in the middle of a gunfight.

Highly impossible, but excuse me for starting to freak out.
On the positive side, I could hear my heart drumming in my chest at nine thousand miles per hour; the theory of hallucination was extremely vivid now. I just had to remain still, hope someone else in the house came to look for me, and wait until they called an ambulance.

Yes. That was a perfect plan.

I looked around the room once more. I distinctively felt as if I was standing -lack of legs notwithstanding- and so I tried to 'sit'.
I ended up passing through the floor and into the room beneath it.
I went through floors fast as I screamed and tried to stop my descent. It worked, somewhat, when I began to try to stand back up. This time, I ended up flying upwards at pretty much the same speed.

My screams simply grew shriller as I emerged out of the rooftops and into the bright, blue sky above the house.
At a certain point, the chain yanked me, and I stopped. The backlash took the breath out of my lungs, but thankful I wasn't going to hit the stratosphere or go beyond Earth's orbit, I wheezed out as I tried to calm the fuck out of myself.

"Hallucination note number one," I said, still hearing the drumming of my heart in my ears. "No fucking moving. No standing. No sitting. Don't. Move. The...I must have fallen from the bed. That's why I felt the fall. And now I must have stood back up; that explains the vertigo. All right. No moving any longer."

I wiped the sweat off my brow, and closed my eyes. The sun was annoying, but it was just a hallucination.

The breeze I felt, but then again I was in my...
I opened my eyes. Uh, no, I wasn't in my usual nightwear. I was wearing some sort of non-descriptive grey shirt and jacket, and there was nothing more than one of those ghost-like 'vapor trails' from beneath my navel, so no trousers.

I didn't feel exposed.
"At least I've got that going for me, which is nice," I murmured. I licked my lips. "Now, easy does it and-"

The chain yanked, hard, and I ended up screaming as I began to fall back down towards the house.
Anyone ever gone on one of those Orbital Elevators Rides? Imagine the feeling of doing that and being face first as you descend and hit the ground -admittedly, the roof- and then tell me, please tell me, if you'd do it again.
I wouldn't.
I never even went on one of those rides-from-hell.

I tried to 'stand' or whatever that feeling was, and as I did, I began to slow down -my manly screams of fear didn't stop me from trying to fly back up, of course, but I kept being yanked down.

Finally, I managed to slow down just as the final yanked pulled me back in the room I had woken up in.

The blue eyes of the sleeping child looked at me as I stared back.
His blond hair was all ruffled from the night's sleep, and there were dreadfully familiar whisker marks on his cheeks.

I groaned.
I groaned. Out. Loud.

"Who the hell are you!?" he shrieked, and let me tell you, a twelve or thirteen year old child screeching is terribly annoying.
"Apparently," I replied, "Dreaming I'm a Self-Insert."
That made the child frown, before he gave one look at my legs and blanched. He began to tremble and stutter.
"Y-Y-You're a ghost!" he screamed, pointing his finger at me.
I rolled my eyes. "And you are-"
The boy screamed louder and dashed out of the room, still in his pajama.

I looked at him go.
I looked at the chain and waited, patiently, for the nightmare to end. This was a hallucination -there was no way I was going to move and...
And suddenly, I was yanked hard as I ended up being pulled in whatever direction the boy was going.
"GOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD DAAAMMMMNNNNN IIIITTTTTTTT"

Note to self: no more sushi nights.
Second Note to self: go to bed at seven in the afternoon to prevent another hallucination.

/////////

I think it's pretty obvious the first insertion is Naruto.
This is the first time I actually work the courage to do a SI (I find them kind of embarrassing to make, actually) but I had this in my mind for quite a while.
I don't have a planned progression, but the 'way of travel' is pretty clear in my head -now, to go about and enact it, that's going to be fun.
Still, I'm going to try to do stuff I have found the SI fics *never* do.
What am I talking about? You'll see next time.

 

[Fierdin]

Eh, it seems like a pretty interesting start to things. I certainly like uncertainty of why than just straight up telling that a ROB did it.

So, I think that the chain is keeping you chained to Naruto. You a ghost. So that means that other people maybe probably can't interact with you overtly. Otherwise I think that the ninjas would have noticed you and tried to take you to questioning.

So, the title is Bond Breaker, so I am going to guess that if you break the chain you will float to another place in the multiverse or something. The bonds keeping you grounded so to speak in that reality.

Well, you may be able to act as a scout since the chain seems to be somewhat long (25m?).

Oh well, waiting for more.

 

[asdx]

And thus a new chewtoy was found. perhaps sonicfan will have a better time..... !

 

[Feng Lengshun]

So... whatever happened to that original fiction you were talking about, shade?

 

[shadenight123]

So... whatever happened to that original fiction you were talking about, shade?

Click to shrink...

I'm going through the second draft of it (The Final Draft, that is).
If you notice, my very, very, veeerryyy slow rate of update of fics both on ff.net and in general is due to that.

My processor is doing miracles...but it works better if I unclog my RAM out of silly plot-ideas.
>.>

 

[Feng Lengshun]

It's better to unclog RAM by re-boot you know... just shut down yourself for a while, maybe it'll help.

 

[shadenight123]

It's better to unclog RAM by re-boot you know... just shut down yourself for a while, maybe it'll help.

Click to shrink...

I find it easier to chug them out instead, because otherwise they keep staying. They keep showing. They keep nagging.
Heck.
I'm glad to 'discharge' by putting them out.

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter One - Continued -

I admit, I was somewhat grateful the hallucination decided I was to be ghost-like in appearance and form. It meant I didn't have to run to keep up with Naruto's surprisingly quick dash out, nor did it mean I had to sweat in order not to end up a corpse dragged on the ground. My natural buoyancy made me look like one of those helium filled balloons, and there was nothing solid for me to hit against.
The people seemed to enjoy staring in the direction I was being pulled towards, but apparently no one seemed to care about me in particular.
Heck, they probably couldn't see me, if the ghost-like appearance I held was of any indication.

Then again, hallucination. It wasn't supposed to make sense; it had to merely be. One night, I had a dream about me being a toddler on a tricycle, escaping an Alien and passing through a battlefield where marines and spacemarines fought each other using the kitchen's table as an impromptu divider.

Don't judge me by my dreams.

I'm sane, and I never dreamed something like that again.

I found myself growing incredibly annoyed with the way the hallucination was progressing. The speed was decreasing, but the scenery seemed dull, even boring after a while. I could see the street, and the various small shops nestled within the buildings nearby, and the occasional bench or tree, but there was nothing special by itself.
No hordes of shinobi rushing about, or secret-Anbu-Patrols doing rounds, or stuff like that.

It was surprisingly peaceful.

Except for the menace known as Naruto Uzumaki, who apparently stopped running at a certain point, but being myself friction-less, I was reaching without putting in the minimum of efforts.

"Wh-Why are you following me!?" the child announced, quite loudly in the middle of the street. His fists were clenched tightly, and he looked like he had a bad case of 'shakes'.
"I'm not following you," I replied, lifting my chained arm. "You're pulling me along."
Sophism.
Sophistry.
'The art of falling on your feet no matter what hell you might go through' as I personally call it.

I looked around, evidently, the rushing I felt had been either the ambulance -possible- or the fact they were carrying my body on a wheeled table of sorts into a hospital room.
Oh hell.
Could this be one of those so called 'Near Death' experiences that always end with the guy simply remembering 'the light' when he wakes up?
Frankly, I could have done much worse for a hallucination brought forth from cerebral bleeding.

I grimaced. The thought really was one of my worse, but 'better to think hell on Earth and walk through a garden of roses' than think heaven and end up trudging through mud.

"Urgh...It's not coming off!" Naruto exclaimed, his hand moving apparently through the chain tied at his end. "How do you get this off!?"
"Don't ask me," I replied with a lazy shrug. I froze midway. What if the shrug was actually me convulsing? No, no, better to remain calm and avoid movement.
Any kind of movement, really.

"Ah! I know!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, and began to run once more.
Yes, I knew it was something like this. They brought me into the hospital room first, and now it's off to the operation room. Maybe they'll do a scan or something to find out what the problem is, and then-
A temple.

I looked at the thing propped at the top of quite a lot of stairs, and then at Naruto's heavy wheezing. The funny thing was, there was a tiny whispering part of my head that kept repeating that 'it couldn't be a dream'.
And you know why? Because dreams usually are non-sequitur.
Now, to explain it in layman's terms, say you want to go from point A to point B. In real life, you will walk there, take a car there, fly there, or anything else, really, but you'll have those boring minutes of walking or running where nothing important happens. It's normal, and soon your brain will file them away and forget about them.

In dreams, you don't 'remember' how you go from one point to the other. It's because you simply 'Teleport' from point A to point B, and the in-between isn't important...unless the in-between is actually part of the dream itself.

This was different. I clearly remembered the street and the turns taken. I knew precisely we passed by a shop that sold noodles, and that there was a retail store a few streets further back.

I remembered the road taken.
Then again, hallucinations didn't have to be like dreams. It was my first hallucination anyway; it could be vastly different.

Frankly, if this was the way I died -judging by the ghost-like appearance and everything else- instead of Naruto I could have, I dunno, ended up in some Harem story of sorts. That would have been a good way to go.

I don't know how he managed, but Naruto literally threw himself into the shrine and held his hands over his head, curled in a ball.
I blinked.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked flatly.
"Gah!" he exclaimed. "You're still here!"
"Apparently," I replied. This didn't seem to discourage him. He gripped a bucket near the well of the shrine and threw the water inside at me.
The water passed through my frame and I simply kept looking at him, with my best 'Are you serious?' gaze.

Now, this is something I possess which is shared with every other person I know of that belongs to my particular brand of profession. When a sleep-deprived IT guy stares at you, he stares with the intensity of a man who's been told the other guy 'washed' his computer with water to clean it up. The stare of 'You are a moron to the nine-thousandth degree' is a stare that only those who have seen the deepest pits of stupidity of mankind can ever fathom to possess.

It is the stare.
And it comes natural.

"You're not going away!" Naruto yelled, and pointed his accusing finger at me.
"Apparently," I acquiesced. "Ask the priest for an exorcism?"
"There's no priest!" Naruto yelled again. Was he really that loud of a character? Right, it was in the character description 'Loud, Annoying, Orange-Wearing Shinobi'.
"I see," I said. "You know you're still in your pajama?"

Naruto looked down at his clothes, paled, screamed, and rushed off once more.
I inwardly gurgled a curse to the Gods of Chaos.
Was this my one-in-a-lifetime death experience? Couldn't I have had Hooters, Playboy Girls and Sexy Actresses playing the Harem Game?
Were this my last conscious thoughts? A screaming twelve to thirteen year old child?
Damn, my last breath sucked.

 

[Fierdin]

Yeah, if a self insert is involuntary, into a harmless warm and fluffy harem anime is the way to go. I'm looking at you Love Hina.

Then again, being immaterial kinda sucks.

You're only capable of wisecracking to one person right now. That person is a 12 year old kid with ADD.

I feel your pain bro, after you stop thinking that this is a hallucination. Or after you come to the conclusion that you are in a coma. Denial FTW.

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter Two

"What's your problem now?" I asked, arms crossed, as I watched Naruto fidget in his home.
"I have school!" he yelled. Apparently, 'yelling' was his normal tone of voice.
"And?"
He flatly looked at me, as if it was obvious what the problem was.
"Nobody batted an eyelid when you pulled me along through the streets earlier," I deadpanned. "Just act natural?"
"I have a ghost haunting me! How is that natural!?"
"I'm not a ghost," I retorted. "I'm probably dreaming I'm a Self-Insert! You are a figment of my imagination!"
"No-uh! You're a ghost!"
"Self-Insert!"
"Ghost!"
"Self-Insert!"
"Ghost!"
"Self-" I stopped mid-rant. "Believe what you want."
I think if I hadn't stopped, he would have simply kept going for the rest of the day. It was a dreadful option, but one all the more possible judging by how this seemed to be quite the 'Canon' world.

"I can't bring you to school!" Naruto yelled.
"I'm not a dog," I replied. "And I doubt they can do anything about this."
"Fine!" Naruto screamed, and stomped off.
Oh god, make him stop screaming.
I didn't drift behind him, but simply waited for the chain to yank me around.
I was starting to dread the fact that I was being right.

'Self-Insert' seems such a fun thing to think of, but it's a different thing when you're actually living it.
There are usually two types of Self-Insert in my humble opinion: The Fixer and the Power-Grabber.
The first fixes things, the second grabs power.
The latter was something I couldn't do due to my ethereal form, and the first one...well, there is that tripe with 'the power of words', but there was a limit to it.

I exhaled as I drifted through the pull of the chain across Konoha's streets. The people around went leisurely by their own lives, talking to one another, or generally simply being 'people'. There wasn't much of a hateful remark sent Naruto's way -then again, he was something like twenty meters ahead of me.
Considering nobody was raising an alarm because of a Grey Ghost, I was reasonably assured I was, in fact, invisible.

I just wanted to wake up.

The Academy was a large building, and without moving I ended up pulled right in the middle of the class, as I passed through the walls without a care in the world. It was amusing, in a way, to realize that indeed, this was apparently the day of the Genin Exams.
I turned around without moving from my spot, and took in the class. Thirty-Three students, a lot of which I did not recognize since they weren't the 'famous' ones. They'd all pass.
Except Naruto.

I didn't even bother with keeping an ear out for the roll call. Of course, names went by that I had never heard of, but it amused me greatly to watch Naruto try his hardest to ignore my presence. Considering it was Naruto, he failed spectacularly at that to boot.
"Hey teacher!" Naruto yelled suddenly as the roll call ended, his hand raised.
"What is it, Naruto?" Iruka asked.
"How do you exorcise a ghost!?"
There was a split second of silence.
I chuckled. He was as subtle as a rock against a window.
"Naruto!" Iruka yelled back. Instead of the Village Hidden in Leafs, it should have been the Village of Yelling People. "What sort of question is that!?"
"But teacher Iruka! I-" he spluttered.
"Enough! Today is a very important day for you all!"
Uh. Wait. Didn't Naruto paint the monument of the Hokage? And didn't he show off his Sexy No Jutsu too?
Maybe I had the wrong day -or maybe it simply was the day before, and this was the next one.
"You'll be called into the next room when the time comes, until then, be quiet!"

Naruto grinned and fist-pumped in the air. "I'm going to ace this test and become Hokage! You'll see!"
"I said QUIET, NARUTO!" Iruka screamed back.
I winced.
What was it, with ninja and screaming?

I yawned out of boredom, and floated lazily on my spot. Naruto began to yank my chain closer to him. I watched him with my flat look, and apparently he didn't really seem to care.
"Hey," he whispered. "Can't you go and see what they're asking in the next room?" he grinned at me. The fear of ghosts was already gone, apparently.
"Clone," I replied flatly. "They'll ask you to make a Clone."
"Damn it sucks!" Naruto groaned. He began to thump his head against the desk. "It's my worst technique!"
I raised an eyebrow. He wasn't even going to ask me how I knew that? Right. Wait. I'm dealing with the guy who didn't realize that the destruction of Kage Bunshin delivered information back to him.
Right, right, my mistake. I could tell him I was an alien and he'd believe it provided I didn't try to harm anyone he liked.

He appeared quite saddened by the time it was his turn, and, precisely on clock, the same events of 'Canon' happened. On the other hand, I also got to watch the saddening act of Naruto slumping his shoulders and walking very slowly out, after giving one last pathetic look at the forehead protectors.
The manga didn't really show the 'shame walk' to the swing and the tree.
I had it in front of me for the entire duration of the walk because, apparently, the chain didn't elongated nor shorten unless I or Naruto instinctively wanted it. It wasn't a 'leash' per se. I was pretty sure I could pull back and have a way larger range, but frankly? I didn't want to move.

"Hey," Naruto said after a while of sitting on his swing. "Were you a ninja in life?"
"Nope," I replied. "And I'm not a ghost."
"Yes you are: you don't even have legs!" Naruto pouted. "Why are you haunting me?"
"I'm not haunting you," I deadpanned. "I'm chained to you. Why, I don't know. I'm hoping to wake up soon anyway."

"That's creepy," Naruto said firmly. "This sucks," he added. "You don't know any cool techniques?"
"Nope," I replied.

Naruto remained quiet for a while, as he watched the other students leave with their parents.
"It sucks," he grumbled. "Nobody likes me."
"It happens," I acquiesced and shrugged.
"I don't understand why," Naruto grumbled. "They ignore me, they don't let their children play with me, and I don't know why."
This wasn't in the manga. Then again, it probably was something that Naruto could have thought in the panels, but never expressed because there wasn't an audience to his mumbling.
And what was it that he told Sasuke time and time again? And then later on Obito? At any moment, he could have ended like them.
It was only through Iruka's intervention and show of 'care' that he became what he was later on.

I wasn't going to mess with it.
I could have, easily, but frankly there was no reason to put effort into it.
"Hey, let's go and train for the next time!"
I nearly choked on my spit.
Here was Naruto.
Already willing to train again and try harder for the next time.
But if he went and trained, he'd miss Mizuki.
Fantastic.

"Why not," I shrugged once more. I wasn't going to put any effort in changing the plot, because I didn't care either way. Still, I didn't even know if the hallucination had an end. What if I was in a coma now, and this was my new life until I found a way out of it?
It could be.

The world had pity on me, apparently, because Naruto had been just about to stand up from the swing when Mizuki neared him with a sad smile.
I narrowed my eyes.

You see, there is this tiny, nagging voice in the back of my head that constantly theorizes things. 'What if this happens? What is meant to happen next if this doesn't happen?' and you know, it helps when you need to face off things that you suspect are going to happen in a certain way. 'What if the enemy uses flying units first in Supreme Commander? Better have anti-air here and here.' Of course, if he goes with tanks, you're screwed unless you pumped the commander's health.
Still, the nagging whisper in my head was now asking itself a question.

'Can you actually change the plot of the story, or is it fixed by fate?'

It looked like it could be either: on one side, Naruto had been about to leave the swing because I was present over his shoulder, but on the other, Mizuki had just then appeared.
And he had just finished his words on the 'surprise' exam, which Naruto had lapped up and believed to be true.

I just had to speak up after Mizuki left, and tell Naruto how impossible it was for such a thing to exist.
On the other hand, if I did, there would be no Kage Bunshin, no Iruka, no 'care' and most definitely loads of butterflies.
And I still would be stuck there, I suspected.

I looked at the chain tied to my forearm. Well...
It was testing time.

 

[Fierdin]

Well, from what you know, the butterflies won't be able to touch you, so experiment as you will.

Send out the butterflies of DOOM!

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter Three

I hesitated.
This was unknown territory.
The problem was, there was a high chance of this being a Self-Insert type of story, with me at the helm of writing it.
There. I got you good, didn't I?
It was the only possible explanation. Of course, one could always claim it was a Random Omnipotent Being who was doing this, but the fact was, a ROB wouldn't know me as well as I would know myself. I could imagine it, myself sitting down and writing this sort of stuff. It's the common 'Bull in the foreground' that no one wants to mess with.

Every Self-Insert story refuses the premise that the SI are, themselves, the main culprit of their situation.

I wasn't going to stay blind to it. The chance that it was me writing the story was extremely meta-thought, but it was a possibility that made sense. Well, if that was the case then it meant I was a mere figment of my imagination, and I had never been born to begin with, since I was merely 'the SI of the author'.

On the other hand, this was my reality. It was easy to merely think it away by claiming 'Oh well, I'm not real, let's go and do shit'. That was the way a spoiled two years old would go about doing stuff. This was real. I breathed, I thought, I was. 'Cogito, ergo sum'. It didn't matter if my birth came through author fiat, or if the world around me was built by a god that resembled me in all -except the power to alter reality, because I clearly couldn't.

I was real. This world was real. I had to 'live' as much as an ethereal presence could live, until the moment I reached home. This was the important thing. I had to reach 'home'.
My home where I was real.
I never wondered what happened to characters once the book was done and over with. Did they die? Or were they finally free to do what they wanted to? Once an actor finishes a film, he returns to his life. But a character's life is the film itself, so what happens when it ends?
Does he die?

Suddenly, I felt a wave of dizziness crush over me. I was real in this world, but false in another. I was and was not. Schroedinger's cat was easily defined as 'me'.

But this was impossible. Really, I was seeing too much into it. There was no 'writer' writing my story as it went on. I was the only real one and, because of some sort of hallucination -or coma- or random ALIEN being who loved illusions and virtual reality, I believed this was real.
Maybe 'Aliens' was actually the answer for once.

What better way to test the human race than kidnap random people and have them go through jarring psychological evaluation tests to value their worth?

I had to stop thinking and had to concentrate on the now.

Naruto was looking at me with a curious look. "You look like you ate a lemon," he said most helpfully.
"Just thinking," I replied.
"Don't worry! I've got the perfect plan!" Naruto grinned. "I've got the Sexy No Jutsu, it works with perverts and I'm sure the old man's going to fall hard for it! Then I'll take the scroll and-"
"It's not going to work," I said.
"What! Why not!?" Naruto yelled. Really. Why did he always have to yell?
"It's a trap," I said, channeling Ackbar. "There's no secret test to pass the Genin exams."
"There isn't?" Naruto asked, "How do you know that?! You said you're not a ninja!"
"Why don't you ask the Hokage then?" I replied.
"But if I ask him, I'm going to fail!" Naruto yelled.
"Listen, Naruto," I sighed. "Think about it. The Forbidden Scroll of seals is a forbidden scroll. The name says so! Why don't you ask the Hokage? How about this: if I'm lying, I'll teach you a technique."
"Hey! You said you didn't know any!"
"I don't," I retorted. "But I know the hand seals for one," I remarked. Unless they had changed, the Kage Bunshin's hand seals were a mere 'cross your index and middle fingers of both hands in a plus sign, the left hand doing the horizontal and the right one doing the vertical'.
"But you can't learn a technique only by knowing the hand seals!"
"I know the name too," I retorted. "And if that's not enough..." I turned thoughtful. "I know another which you can learn that doesn't require seals at all. It's going to take you weeks to master it," especially because I wasn't Jiraiya, and I didn't have access to balloons. But hey, you know what?
Teaching the Rasengan was something anyone could do provided they had seen it once.

"You promise?" Naruto asked, his eyes half-narrow.
I nodded. "I promise. Trust me: if I'm wrong you get everything I told you...but if I'm right..." What? What was there for me to earn if I was right? I turned thoughtful. There was nothing, was there? I was an ethereal ghost, incorporeal, without needs and without anything that...that I could ask.
"I'd like it if you'd listen to me a bit more," I said softly.
Naruto frowned. "Uh. Why?"
"Just that," I snapped, acting a bit more tsundere-ish than I thought I would. Naruto winced, but nodded.
"Fine then! It's a promise!"
And as he dashed off towards the Hokage's tower, I grimaced.

I couldn't touch anyone. I couldn't feel a lot. I couldn't talk with anyone but Naruto.

Now that was a depressing thought.

On the positive side, I wasn't hungry, thirsty, or had to use the bathroom. I wasn't in the Torture and Interrogation department of Konoha, and I didn't need to have my words understood through sign-language or random gesticulation.

It was amusing to watch Naruto simply barge inside the office of the Hokage without being stopped. Heck, I could swear I saw an amused expression on the Hokage's face.
"Naruto," Hiruzen said, "I'm afraid I can't promote you just because you ask me-"
"It's not that!" Naruto exclaimed, and shook his head quickly. "Is there a secret test to become Genin that requires stealing the forbidden scroll of seals?"
Hiruzen blinked. I looked at the scene with my arms crossed.
"What?"
"Is there?"
"No, of course there isn't. Why would you-"
Naruto groaned, "But teacher Mizuki said there was one! And that if I passed it I'd become a Genin! Why would he lie to me?"
Hiruzen's eyes narrowed for a split second -I saw it, but then again I was ignoring Naruto's temper tantrum on the floor.
"Are you sure about that?" Hiruzen asked.
Naruto nodded, his eyes all teary. "Yeah! It sucks! I thought I had a chance this time!"
"Well Naruto," Hiruzen said. "There's always next year."

Naruto quickly wiped the tears away. "Yeah, you're right old man! I'll have to go and train then!"
I frowned.
Apparently, there could be butterflies.
I ended up yanked away as Naruto, once more, rushed out. I could have stayed, but I didn't doubt the Hokage would take action. Heck, maybe he'd even have an Anbu use a Henge to ensnare Mizuki, or something like that.

There was hardly anything else I could do.
Butterflies could happen.
Now the question was another.

What happened next? Canon was out of the window. Although it could be salvaged -Sasuke and Sakura could end up not passing and ending up back at the academy for another year- and even if the team was once more put up as team seven -with Kakashi- a year would have passed by already.

And it was in six months that the Chuunin exams took place.

I could see the butterflies fly away in the air, each to a different stalk. Would Orochimaru still move even if Sasuke failed the Genin test? Would Danzo try his hand at the Jinchuuriki now that he failed thrice at the exam? Would Kabuto try to gather information? There were so many things I, as a writer, could have used to snowball the situation. Hell.
Anyone could snowball any situation to hell and beyond.
I turned thoughtful. This could serve as proof. Either I was a Self Insert in both name and 'reality', meaning I was merely written as such, or I wasn't.
That depended on the consequences of the butterflies.

"Hey," Naruto said suddenly, as I realized we had stopped on an empty hill, with trees and grass all around us.
I looked at him.
"Can you teach me the technique you spoke of?"
I blinked.

What did Kakashi do again...
Oh.

Oh.

Kakashi was never physically 'required' for his training. He gave pointers. He spoke. He 'showed' things, but hardly was he...uh, well, I could teach him.
I actually could.

"Are you sure?" I asked back. "It's a long road."
Naruto nodded, his right fist raised in front of him. "Of course! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm going to become Hokage no matter how long the road is, believe it!"
"I can only give you pointers," I continued. "I'm not a shinobi. I saw them train, but I'm not one."
Naruto waved a hand in front of him to dismiss it.
"Bah! I don't care! I promised I'd listen and I'm going to listen! So teach me, please!"
I quietly brought a hand to the bridge of my nose.

"One condition," I said calmly.
Naruto grinned.
"No yelling."
Naruto's grin didn't even falter once as he shamelessly screamed at the top of the lungs "ALL RIGHT!"
I groaned.

When were they going to pull the plug on me?

 

[Yzarc]

....and then this happened. Wow now I REALLY am interested with where you are taking this.

 

[Grimmair]

And now this story is going to places where I did not think it could go.

 

[shadenight123]

Since when do any of my story go to normal, everyday places?
I mean.

Whenever I try to write fluff people keep expecting the angst gut punch.

Just, just have a read at some comments from my story on ffnet 'The Meaning of Family' which is a light-hearted fic filled with fluff and happiness.

...I still laugh out loud when I re-read them.

 

[Fluffy]

I think were gonna need a

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter Four

I kept my arms crossed for most of the time I floated behind Naruto. It was the only thing that kept me sane once I realized I literally couldn't touch anything else.
You never truly understand how important to your sanity the feeling of touch is, until the moment when you realize you'll never sit again, your back will never stand against a wall, and you'll never lie down and sleep on a bed.
You know the feeling of having to scratch your nose? 'When you think you need to scratch it, but try your hardest not to, suddenly you must scratch it'? I was feeling the same thing.

I wanted to touch things, and I couldn't. Safe for my arms and my jacket, and the rest of my body, there was nothing else I could touch.

"This is so cool," Naruto said suddenly. "I've got a ghost teacher!"
"Changed your mind awfully fast from wanting to get rid of me, uh?" I replied.
"Well, duh! You're teaching me stuff! I thought you were going to curse me or something!"
I sighed. Naruto was relentless. The moment I offered, he took me up on it. Since I wasn't hungry, or anything else, really, I began immediately.

"Wait until you realize what you have to do," I deadpanned and gestured at the nearby tree. "You need to pour the correct amount of chakra in your feet and get up this tree by using only them."
Naruto squinted hard. "What!? Are you kidding me!?"
"No, I'm not," I deadpanned with a sigh. "This is the first thing. I'm teaching you in order, Naruto. First this," I patted the tree bark, but my hand simply went through it and I crossed my arms once more, gripping onto my forearms tightly.
"I told you I couldn't show you, but-"
"Nah, this is going to be easy! You'll see!" Naruto exclaimed, and took a running start.
"Use a kunai to mark the distance you managed to achieve," I said as he rushed past me, but he just grinned and dutifully obeyed.

He had quite the hand to hand coordination when he put himself up to the task, actually. The sleight of hand required to take a kunai out from a pocket while in mid-jump had to be quite something.

He still slipped and fell backwards, but managed to avoid hitting with the back of his head the ground.
"Too little chakra and you'll slip," I said, "Too much and the bark will break," I continued. "Find the right amount and stick with it."
I watched him go again.
I had the feeling I was forgetting something.

Something either unimportant or...
I slammed a hand against my forehead.
Of course, how could I forget about Hinata? Hinata The Stalker, or Hinata the Totally Sweet Girl, or Hinata the Shy Nadeshiko, or Hinata the Creep, or...Hinata Hyuga the abused little girl, or HInata the 'this' or 'that' depending on the fandom?
Heck. There was Hinata for every form of fetish, love want, horror story and so forth.

I looked around my spot, but I couldn't see her -from the way she was depicted, she never used the Byakugan to spy Naruto. She always used her normal sight, with no chakra involved, so if she could see him, I could see her.
And since I didn't, I had to assume she wasn't looking at Naruto training on this particular day.

Honestly, it was ironic. She wasted more time looking at Naruto training than training herself, and I was sure that if she had just asked, Naruto would have enjoyed having a training partner of sorts.
"I did it! Look! I did it!"
I frowned and turned to gaze at the tree.
There was a kunai mark, and then there was another just a few inches above it.
"You need to reach the top of the tree, Naruto," I remarked. "Get to it. This is just the first step."
"This is so cool!"
"You said that already," I replied.
"I know, but it is! I've got my personal ghost teacher!"
"Oh for the love of...is it that hard to consider me a Self-Insert?"
"But it sounds wrong!" Naruto whined. "Don't you have a name too?"
"Call me Shade," I said. On one hand, it was highly possible I was actually being written as a story on some site, which meant giving off my real name was quite a no-no. On the other, anyone who lives on the net long enough learns that 'as long as you are there, we can find you'. Really. You either accept it or you get off the lawn known as Internet.

"Hikage?" Naruto said.
"No, Shade."
"Hikage."
"Shade." I said.
"What did I say!" Naruto exclaimed.
"You said 'Hikage'."
"Yeah! Shade!"
"There! Now you said Shade."
"What? Hikage?"
"No, before...you...uh, try to say 'the shade of a tree'?"
"The shade of a tree?" Naruto parroted.
"Now, say Hikage."
"Shade."
"Now say my name," I said.
"Hikage," Naruto said. "This is dumb. You're making me repeat-"
"To you maybe, but not to me," I said softly. "Apparently, if I tell you something in the tongue that is yours, you can repeat it as if it were in my tongue, because it's not a proper name, but if you think it's a proper name, then you say it and I hear it as if it came from your original tongue."
Naruto looked at me with crossed eyes.
"Never mind," I grumbled, "Keep on climbing the tree and don't waste time trying to-"

Naruto didn't climb the tree, but turned thoughtful.
"Uhm..." he apparently was having one of his 'ideas'.
"What?"
"Give me the letters one by one?" Naruto asked.
"SH-A-D-E?"
"Shaid?"
"Nearly there," I remarked, surprised.
"Shade," Naruto said with a sudden nod. "Ah! I got it down right! Teacher Shade!"
He fist-pumped in the air. "See? I got the name right!"
I admit my eyes blurred a bit from some dust in them.
Until you get called 'Teacher' by someone, you don't really understand what it feels like.

"All right Naruto," I said, "Now get moving back on the tree, will you?" I remarked.
"Sure thing, teach!"

Kachink.

I blinked.
I looked around.
Did I just hear that? I frowned and looked at the chain by my forearm. It didn't look any different than before.
It must have been my imagination then.
Oh well...

Unfortunately, there were no training montage to be had.
Fortunately, if I recalled it correctly Naruto had always been a fast learner, and provided the teacher actually explained the stuff, he caught up incredibly quick.
Really.
He was a prodigy in his own rights if he was taught properly.

//Author's note: Kukukukukukukukukuuuuuuuuuu

 

[Ardion Prosili]

.....oh god is the chain made of Social Chain Links?

 

[asdx]

Social chains. oh god facebook armor!

 

[CthuluJr]

I actually really enjoy the premise behind this, it reminds me of several elements from Bleach.

 

[Finagle007]

I will definitely be watching this progress with great interest.

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter Five

"And then I managed to reach the top of the tree!" Naruto exclaimed loudly, grinning as he looked at Ayame. Whether her surname was Ichiraku or not didn't matter to me, but it was mostly a curiosity.
Just like it was fun how nobody realized the double-meaning Kishimoto had put in the names. 'Ayame' could mean 'Iris' but also 'To Wound' or 'To Murder'. While Teuchi's was either 'Make noodles by hand' or 'Murder someone with your bare hands'.

Freaky names to give your kids all right.
Wonders of the Japanese language, I suspected.

"And you did all this without help?" Ayame asked amused.
I quickly nodded towards Naruto. He grinned and brought a thumb up. "I have this very cool teacher who's helping me!"
Oh for the love of all that is holy. I began to shake my head furiously.
"No, no, don't tell them! They'll think you're mad or worse!"
"Oh? And what's his name?"
Naruto frowned. "Dunno," he shrugged, and then had the audacity of smiling and giving me a thumb-up.
Way to go subtle Naruto.

Frankly, I'm surprised he can even work as a ninja. I'm pretty sure there's a reason he's the dead last of the class, and it's not 'fanon bullshit'.
"You don't know it?" Ayame asked.
"I just saw him today!" Naruto blurted out, his hands waving around spasmodically like a chicken. "It's not like I asked or anything!"
Ayame giggled. "Oh Naruto, that's just something you'd do."
She smiled next. "Well, this one's on the house. I'm sure you'll pass the exam next year, so keep at it."
"Of course big sister Ayame!" Naruto grinned.

I looked at the ramen being devoured. While it wasn't being devoured in full Anime-fashion, it still was surprising how quick it could be eaten with chopsticks alone.
I sighed.
I wasn't hungry, but I certainly could feel my mouth water at the thought of eating.

Damn it.

This was torture. The problem with Manga and Anime was that when something wasn't interesting, they could simply 'skip' it, and show another panel or fade the scene to black and move on. I didn't have that privilege.
On one side, it was boring. On the other, it showed me little things I wouldn't have known otherwise.
For example, I could waste my time reading twenty-nine times in a row the list of various Ramen available and their prices, ranging from one hundred fifty ryo for a simple Salt Ramen, to six hundred sixty ryo for a pork one.

I also looked at how it was prepared from behind the counter, and I couldn't help but notice how there were containers where the broth was kept after the day was over to be reused the next day.
It was common among stands to never waste things. Of course, sanitary laws meant relatively little; who bothered with broth that had a little sediment a week old as long as you kept adding fresh broth to it?
I could rant on about how coffee machines with coffee sediments detracted from the experience of drinking coffee, and that no, leaving it dirty did not give it any 'characteristic' flavor to the brew.

Problem was, the only one who'd be listening to me would be Naruto, and I don't think Naruto knew what coffee was.
Or if he did, I doubted he'd like it.

I needed a coffee.
There, I said it.
I hadn't drank any in hours, and I needed my fix of coffee.
My big, bad-ass cup with coffee. And none of that starbuck shit the Americans seemed to believe is coffee, or any of that 'coffee with ninety percent water'.
No, I always drank brewed pure-bred coffee in a cup.
I am made of coffee.

I began to sigh louder as Naruto finished his dinner, paid for the second bowl he had ordered, and then left with a grin on his face.
"This is going to be so cool!" Naruto said. "It's the first time I have a sleepover, and with a ghost too!" he yelled.
"Ahem," I deadpanned.
"Self-Insert?" Naruto hazarded.
"Better," I conceded.
"What does it even mean? How can you insert yourself into yourself?"
I turned thoughtful.
"I could give you a speech on the theory of multiverses and parallel realities. I could, really," I began, "But you wouldn't understand it."
"Hey!" Naruto pouted.
"Very well," I said calmly. "Right or left?"
"Uh?"
"Answer me. Right or left?"
Naruto turned thoughtful. "Right!"
"All right," I nodded, and raised my right hand. "This universe has you answering right, and me lifting my right hand."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "And?"

"Now," I said, "There is a universe, perfectly identical to this one down to its very grains of dust in the wind, where another you answered 'left'," I looked at him calmly.
"Uh? No way!"
"That's the theory of multiverses," I remarked. "Well, actually of parallel realities. You make a choice, and another universe exists where instead you picked the other one."
Naruto nodded. "I got that one! Like, in one universe I ask for pork ramen, and in the other instead I get four salt ramen!"
"Yeah, something like that," I said. "Now, there are infinite choices you can make at any split-second of your life," I looked at his lost face.
I sighed.
"Right now, Naruto," I said, "Can you lift your right hand?"
"Duh!"
"Can you lift your left?"
"Yeah?"
"You could stomp your right foot too, right?"
"Uh-uh."
"Or you could jump, do cart wheels, laugh, cry, hiccup..."
"Ah! And because I can, there's a universe where I did? So..." he grinned, "There's one where I'm already Hokage!?"
"Yep," I nodded.
"That's so cool!"

I quietly pinched the bridge of my nose.
"But what's that got to do with Self-Inserts?"
"Well," I remarked. "Just like simple actions can give birth to universes very similar to each other, they can also give birth to very dissimilar universes," I said. "Like, one where the sky is green, or red, or where ramen doesn't exist," Naruto's eyes widened and he emitted a blood-curling shriek.
"Naruto," I deadpanned.
He brought a hand to his mouth.

"Anyway," I said. "Since there can be an infinite amount of parallel worlds, then worlds of fiction -that is, worlds that are portrayed as stories in one world- can be real in another."
I quietly watched with fascination as he seemed to latch on to that idea and turned thoughtful.
"So..." Naruto looked lost. "I don't get it."
I sighed.
"You ever read a story?"
"Uhm..."
"You never read one?" I asked calmly.
"Nope," Naruto grinned. "Reading's boring. Technique scrolls are cool though!"
I brought my palm to my face and exhaled loudly.
"Well, anyway," I sighed. "History? You ever read a bit of history?"
"Yeah, but it's so boring I usually don't read much of it," Naruto replied helpfully.
"Well...imagine the village of Konoha founded not by Uchiha Madara and Senju Hashirama, but by...uhm, someone else," I said quickly. "And imagine reading it in the history book. All right? That wouldn't be history, but a story."
"Yeah...I suppose so," Naruto scrunched his face up. "Who are those two anyway?"

I gave him a flat look. "The founders of the village you're living in."
"Ah," Naruto nodded.
"What!" he screamed a moment later. "Really!?"
"Yes," I grumbled. "Really."
Sheepishly, Naruto began to laugh nervously. "I didn't know that!"
"I had no doubts," I sighed. "Well, anyway...the point is, suddenly, you find yourself in that alternate history setting."
Naruto frowned.
"You mean, in a place where there's no Uchiha and no Senju?"
"Yeah, exactly like that," I nodded. So he was getting it. "You'd end up inserted in another place, right? A place which wasn't your own."
"Uh-uh," he nodded. "So that's what a Self-Insert is?"
"Partially," I acquiesced. "A Self-Insert happens when you end up inserting yourself into another reality."
Naruto blinked.
"Cool! How do you do that!?"
"You don't."
"Uh!?"

Naruto looked at me with wide eyes.
"You can't physically change universes," I replied. "What you can do is send off an offshoot of yourself, a psychological one," I remarked softly as I began to realize something. "Actually, I am real where I stand, but am nothing more than fiction elsewhere."
Here Naruto simply looked at me with lost eyes.
"Maybe I'll explain the concept better to you later, all right?" I said. "Suffice to say, there are infinite universes, and I come from another one, because another me sent me off. Probably."

Naruto shook his head and shrugged. "All right."

Ka-chink.

I looked around. I hadn't imagined that, had I? I looked at the chain, and yet no difference. I frowned. It was the second time I heard that sound, but I couldn't understand where it came from.

And then as we walked, he suddenly asked. "So there's a universe where my family's still alive?"
"Yes," I said. "And you're an evil S-rank shinobi wanted for multiple murders."
Naruto missed his next step and nearly choked on his saliva. "WHAT!"
I shrugged. "Don't ask me. Oh, and you use puppets."
"Puppets?" Naruto blinked. "The hell!?"
"Nine of them at that," I continued.
"Puppets," Naruto mumbled. "That's so uncool. Puppets! That's like playing with dolls, and I'm not a girl!"

And then Naruto stopped and whirled to look at me.
"Wait. You know who my parents are!?"
I looked at him.
"Yes?"
"Can you tell me about them!?"
I nodded slowly. "All right...but when we're back at your apartment, because-"
And Naruto rushed.
He ran as fast as his legs could carry him, and I was yanked hard behind him.

"SLOOWWW DOOOWWNNNNN!" I screamed as our surroundings passed by in a blur.
And as I screamed, I completely forgot about the possible butterflies.
They'd happen the next day, or the one after that.
Actually, yeah, they'd happen two days from then when those who passed the exam took the 'second test'.
If Sakura and Sasuke failed it, then there was to see what was going to happen.

Inwardly, I wondered what would happen now.
But in the end...I was being dragged like a party balloon around by a sugar rushed kid.
And I still needed my coffee fix.

 

[Fluffy]

This just keeps getting better and better.

 

[Unelemental]

Shadenight, why you so meta?

 

[shadenight123]

Chapter Six

"You must promise you will listen to me until I finish, do you understand?" I said.
Naruto nodded, literally vibrating as I spoke.
"Literally, Naruto. I want you to listen to me until I'm done," I continued. "Do you understand? It's very, very important."
"Yeah! All right! I promise!" Naruto nodded quickly.
"Now," I said. "Your mother's name is Kushina Uzumaki."
"Kushina Uzumaki," Naruto murmured. "Kushina Uzumaki," he repeated. "Mom was called Kushina," he grinned.
"Your mother was called to Konoha from Uzushiogakure," I said, "The Land of Whirlpools."
Naruto nodded. He repeated softly everything I said, as if to keep it into his memory firmly.
"She met your father at the academy when they were both children, and fell in love with him when he saved her from Kumogakure shinobi later on," I said.
Naruto grinned. "My father was cool, wasn't he?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "You took most of your features from him, but your character's all your mother."
"Really!?"
"Yep," I grinned. "Your father's name was Minato Namikaze," I said. "He was born in Konoha and trained under Jiraiya of the Toads, one of the three legendary shinobi of Konoha. He had blond hair and blue eyes, while your mother's hair was red and her eyes a soft purple, I'd warrant. But I can't recall it perfectly," I said.

Naruto seemed pleased to hear that.
"My parents were both ninja, right?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "They were both Jounin, and very special in their own rights," I said. "Your father was an S-rank shinobi who earned the title of the 'Yellow Flash', while your mother's title was the 'Red Hot Habanero', due in no little part to her character."
Naruto chuckled.
"You know, it's funny! The Fourth Hokage's title is the same as-"
Even Naruto couldn't be that stupid.
He faltered.
"You mean..." Naruto blanched.
"Yes," I nodded. "The Fourth Hokage's name was Minato Namikaze, and he was your father."

There were tears now brimming at the corner of Naruto's eyes. "S-So he died defeating the Kyuubi? Wait. Why didn't the old man tell me that then!?" he yelled. "He said he didn't know!"
"Let me finish," I said curtly, and Naruto quieted down. "And you'll understand."
I took a deep breath. "Minato Namikaze made many enemies. In order to protect you, the third Hokage had no choice but to hide the fact you were his son. After the Kyuubi attack, Konoha was in tatters. Enemy shinobi even tried to attack the village during that time," if I recalled correctly. If I didn't, then I was confusing the past with the Chuunin exams, where there was an anime-only filler about Iwa attacking Konoha with just a couple of shinobi.
Still, it was nothing I could prove, because I didn't know if this world held true to the Anime conventions, the Manga ones, or a mixture of both.

"Ah," Naruto nodded. "But why didn't he tell me!?"
"Naruto," I said. "He feared you would have yelled it at the top of your lungs, and made yourself a target while you still weren't strong enough."
"Well, screw that! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I don't fear any enemy shinobi and-"
"Naruto," I said firmly. "They would have killed you."
"How can you be so certain!" Naruto yelled back.
I looked at him. "Because there are shinobi who can pulverize the entire village of Konoha to dust with the blink of an eyelid, Naruto," I hissed looking him straight in the eyes. "And they're gunning for you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Naruto turned eerily quiet. He then asked quietly. "Are they stronger than the old man?"
"Yes," I said.
"The old man's the Hokage!" Naruto yelled back. "He's the strongest in Konoha!"
"There isn't only Konoha," I replied calmly. "There are other villages out there, other shinobi, many stronger than you can even think of."

Naruto's fist trembled. "S-So...the old man had his reasons, all right..." He took a deep breath. "Still...It's cool. I'm the Fourth Hokage's son! I'm definitely going to become Hokage!"
He smiled at me next.
"Thanks for telling me that!"

Ka-chink.

This time, I narrowed my eyes.
"I keep on hearing this," I muttered, looking at the chain against my forearm, "But I don't get it."
I turned thoughtful.
The 'Ka-chink' wasn't an hallucination, and it clearly was happening.
Naruto wasn't hearing it, but I was.
"Do you know more about my parents?" he asked next.
"Yeah," I said. "But..." I grimaced. "If I tell you, you must promise not to freak out and let me finish."

In retrospect, I should have thought about it a lot better.

So, I told Naruto about the Kyuubi.
And I told him how his parents died.
And I told him who killed them.
And I told him what the grand plan was.

And I told him pretty much who the Akatsuki were, their powers, and what they could do.

Have you ever seen someone crushed by the revelations of their future? It's not like reading Achilles' reaction to it. They look at you, with wide eyes, and then they start to tremble. Their skin turns pale, and their eyes widen. They shake their head in disbelief, clench their fists, and try to nervously smile as if it would make the pill sweeter to swallow.

I think it was that night that I successfully murdered Naruto Uzumaki with words alone.

The strange fact was that he never told me I was lying to him. Not once, did he point his finger at me and call me a liar. Even when I told him of Orochimaru's assault on Konoha in the Chuunin exams, even as I spoke of Sasuke Uchiha's betrayal -because one question led to another, and I had nothing to do but talk- even then, not once did Naruto call me a liar.
It spoke volumes.

I don't even know why I kept on talking. There Naruto was, trembling and probably inwardly thinking that he didn't want to know, but he was still listening in, asking questions with a cracked voice. He was Naruto Uzumaki, and train wreck waiting to happen or not, he wasn't going to jump off the train.
It wasn't in his nature.

I heard the sound of the rattling chain a few more times over the course of the night, but I could never pinpoint them.
I didn't understand what generated them. Sometimes, they happened when I spoke of how strong Naruto would become, other times they happened seemingly randomly, when I asked him if he really wanted me to keep on speaking.

It took me most of the night to get it out.
Naruto didn't fall asleep.
He shivered and quietly grabbed hold of a stuffed frog, before clutching it for a few minutes before throwing it back against the wall and standing up.

"FUCK. THAT. SHIT!"
I blinked.
"I'm not going to let that happen! Any of it! I'm going to stop it all, you hear me! I'm going to become Hokage, and I'm not going to let things go that way, ever!"
"They probably won't," I said calmly.
And Naruto's head hit the floor as he looked up at me a moment later. "WHAT!"
"I said no screaming," I narrowed my eyes at him, and he blearily looked back with bags under his eyes.
"What do you mean?" he asked softly.
"Well," I said. "Right now, you should have become a Genin out of following Mizuki to his trap. You didn't, and thus you won't be in a team with Sakura and Sasuke. They'll both end up having Kakashi Hatake as a teacher, and he'll probably fail them without you in the team. You've always been a good 'softener' of Sasuke's attitude after all, and without you, Sakura's strangely random motherly nature isn't going to come out and-"
"Uh?"
"She pities you sometimes," I deadpanned. "But along the way she really does care for you as a teammate and a friend. In the Chuunin exam, she was willing to take the blame of the loss of your team in order to avoid you unneeded suffering. And she did try her hardest to protect you and Sasuke when you were both knocked out...she did fail, miserably at that, but she did try."

Naruto smiled as if he had won the lottery. I narrowed my eyes on him. "You do understand she's only thirteen, and does not care about going on dates with anyone that doesn't fit her criteria, right?"
Naruto blinked. "But you said-"
"This and that are different, Naruto," I sighed. "And why do you have to make it sound like a date? You know, it's commonly assumed that if you asked without the concept of date, she'd probably, eventually, cave in at least once."
"WHAT. REALLY!?"
How did he...how did he go from being a sulking kid to being a yelling-out-loud kid in the blink of an eye?

I groaned. "Yes. Now, I don't want to play matchmaker, but if you really insist...why don't you simply avoid yelling? Just walk over to her, and ask her, in the most normal voice possible, if she'd like it to go watch a movie or something. Don't yell. Don't call her 'Sakura-chan'. Even better, instead of a movie, ask 'Haruno' if she can help you study at the library."
"But studying sucks!" Naruto exclaimed.

I looked at him and crossed my arms. "First comes duty, then comes pleasure. Sometimes, you need to do things you don't like in order to do things you do like."
"That still sucks," Naruto grumbled.
"Maybe, but think about how easy it would be to show Sakura a better side of you," I grumbled. "Once you do that, you can ask her out for a movie...but not a date. Don't call it 'date'. And if she says something like 'This isn't a date!' then nod and tell her 'Of course it isn't. Although you could practice for when you'll be going on one with Sasuke later on'."
Naruto grimaced and spluttered. "WHAT! That's-"
"Naruto, stop yelling," I hissed.
Naruto clamped down hard on his mouth. "There is this thing called white lie. She'll never get a date with Sasuke, Naruto. Trust me. Sasuke will never date her, nor give her the time of his life. She's too much of a vapid fan-girl for his tastes, and she's 'useless' to him."
"Hey! Sakura isn't useless!"
I rolled my eyes.
Naruto shut up.

"Anyway, back to the original point: there already has been a change," I said. "So anything that happens now? It isn't bound to follow the rails."
"So the old man's not going to die?" Naruto asked.
"Probably not," I acquiesced.

Naruto exhaled. He exhaled very, very loudly.
"Thank god!" he slumped on his bed. "You worried me for a moment there!"
And as I crossed my arms, I watched as he immediately fell asleep.

Ka-chink.

"All right," I hissed and looked around. "This Ka-chink thing is grating on my nerves," I mumbled. "The hell is it coming from?"
The chain wasn't it.
Naruto wasn't it.
I wasn't it.
It had to come from somewhere.
I put my hands into my jacket's pockets and took out my Ipod.

...

My Ipod?

I slowly looked down at it.
...

I looked into my other pocket.

...

Hey there.
My bloc-notes and my pen.

Nice.

NOT HELPING. NOT HELPING AT ALL.

I began to scurry through the various pockets on my person, but without trousers, I doubted I had anything else.
As it turned out, I had my bloc-notes, my trusty pen, my ipod with music...and nothing else.
I opened the bloc-notes half expecting a 'Death Note' like warning at the top of it, but there was nothing of the sorts.
Nothing except for my usual notes when looking into IT related problems and keeping a mind on appointments and so forth...

With nothing else to do, I began to doodle on the bloc-notes.
"Revealed plot to Naruto," I scribbled. "Butterflies yet to be seen."
I looked at the sleeping form of the boy, who seemed to be drooling and largely unaffected.
"Yet to enter Rem sleep. Will see then. Technical possibilities: Angst Route, Fluffy Route, Canon Route -cross over the Canon, that's out of the window- Extended Canon possible? If Angst Route, slow build up. Tragedy possible related to words of Obito-Sasuke."
I sighed. "Danzo not sighted yet. No Anbu escort. Fanon bullshit not viable. No pitchfork crowds. No usage of 'Kun' or 'Sama' or 'Sensei' suffixes."
I turned thoughtful. "Possibility of meta-thought creating alternate choice of God-Author in order to keep me guessing. I would totally do that. Just like I would instead wash my hands clean of it and give the fault to some form of 'Alien Entity' in order to keep my involvement near-null."
I scribbled down a bit more. "Lack of physical contact is clearly meant to psychologically stress me, and ensure I find verbal contact with the 'chosen' one. Something happens every now and then, but I can't find what it's related to. Might be emotions. I don't understand it."

I looked at the chain and pulled.

"Coma theory already dead. And if not, then the Coma World is going to change abruptly."
I flipped the page.
"Lack of need of sleep is making me bored. I suppose I'll do what my grandfather did."
And with that, I closed the bloc-notes and began to leisurely go through walls.
Well, technically my grandfather watched people from the window passing by.
I was going full stalker and creepy on them.

Privileges of being a ghost I suspected.
And if it helped me decide whether this 'world' was real or constructed, then nothing better than having to force the God-Author to pull out of his ass hundreds of OCs, their families and their routines.

I wasn't going to be cooperative.
Not if I didn't get some explanations soon enough.
Or coffee.

Shade with no coffee isn't a pleasant sight to behold.