The solution is obvious: Put the dog in charge. The Enterprise gets a smarter Captain that stays on board chewing on things instead of endangering themselves on planets, and hostile aliens will inevitably surrender to enough applications of Puppy Dog Eyes over the viewscreen.
Plus if they switch things around they can keep Archer in his cabin on a leash. He clearly needs it.
I mean honestly if I'm being serious Reed should be the captain, because he won't do anything stupid. Hoshi gets second to keep the option of negotiation and "please don't hurt me" as close to the captain's chair as possible.
No idea what the hell Archer would do, take care of the dog and inject whatever Phlox hands to him I guess.
I watched Enterprise a few months ago, and liked some of it, and liked disliking the rest of it. I'd forgotten what the first season was like, though I can't judge it too harshly for incompetent security and protocol considering the rest of star trek exists. I'm interested in your commentary on the xindi arc when you get there.
Reed is my favourite character since every thing he does and says makes me laugh.
Yeah Holly, it really does. It's yet another episode about how Vulcans are simply hypocritical, duplicitous rat-like creatures looking to stab everyone in the back. Its a good thing that its about how they have a secret listening post hidden under a holy site or else it would just be about how Humans don't respect anyone else's culture. See, the episode starts with Tucker and Archer finding out about a Vulcan Monastery at P'Jem and by god they want a lookie-loo no matter how many times T'Pol tries to nudge them towards please leaving her religious people alone.
T'POL: It's an ancient spiritual retreat. A remote sanctuary for Kolinahr and peaceful meditation.
TUCKER: Kolinahr?
T'POL: The Vulcan purging of emotion.
ARCHER: That sounds interesting. How do you think they'd feel about a visit?
T'POL: P'Jem is a place of quiet contemplation, Captain. I'm not certain we'd be welcome.
TUCKER: It's because Vulcans think we smell bad, isn't it?
ARCHER: It's not every day we get a chance to see an ancient Vulcan monastery. I'd say a stop-over's too good a chance to pass up. Unless you disagree?
Sure. Why not. What's the emotional and spiritual well being of your people, your sacred culture, your holy sites, compared to the tourist demands of two white men? Just barge right in and interrupt the guys trying to purge their emotions, what's the worst that can happen?
Oh wait, hang on, I'm remembering 30 years of Star Trek canon: A LOT OF BAD SHIT. This show will forget a thousand fucking times that Vulcans are not actually emotionless or merely pretending to be emotionless. They. Have. Extremely. Powerful. Emotions. The strength and intensity of which are so far beyond what humans can actually feel that a Vulcan going through dementia can drive everyone around him insane with emotional intensity by what leaks out around the edges. Controlling these emotions was a significant cultural and emotional step for them to not wipe themselves out and allow them to create a more enlightened and spiritual civilization for themselves.
And you want to fuck with the guys trying to go through this process? You're going to destroy 5 years of some guys progress in controlling The Beast Within by rolling up with your cartoon stink line bodies and mocking his sacred beliefs and he will free that beast. You're going to suddenly start hearing the Doom soundtrack kick in as a Vulcan goes Slayer on your ass. He's going to tear you apart like he's low on health. I think any other crew would be ok in this circumstance but not these yahoos. T'Pol even lays out the exact protocols, after Phlox stops by to annoyingly engage her in the Mind Dojo to convince her that her hesitation at bringing two offensive assholes to a holy site is a bad idea and because there's a ceremony and rules they have to remember, they crack wise about it.
TUCKER: They don't even know we're coming?
T'POL: It wasn't possible to hail them. The monks consider technology a distraction from their spiritual pursuits.
ARCHER: I don't like dropping in on people unannounced.
T'POL: It won't be a problem as long as we observe the proper protocols. When we arrive, we'll be greeted by a Vulcan Elder. You should not speak to him or any member of the order unless spoken to first. If they appear to be meditating, do not approach them or attempt to make conversation. Also, maintain quiet at all times and do not touch or disturb any artefacts, relics or ornamentation. If we arrive at their time of communal kolinahr it's likely we'll be turned away. At the conclusion of our visit we'll be offered the Stone of J'Kah as a gesture of salutation. Accept it, then bow slightly and observe a respectful silence for approximately five seconds.
TUCKER [After he and Archer mug their entire way through listening to this]: I thought Starfleet training was tough.
Guys this is literally just how to not get your ass kicked at just about any holy place, meditative grounds, library, burial grounds, elevator, diner, rush hour public transportation, etc: Don't bother people who look like they want to be left alone, don't touch things you shouldn't and don't be obnoxious. This is the bare minimum of decent public behavior in a sensitive place. Do you burst into a church and start playing wipeout on Tucker's ass cheeks? How is this hard?
Anyway, they go down there, Tucker and Archer act like weird assholes and T'Pol notices a ton of stuff is off. Seeing a guy holding a gun hiding behind a partition, Archer chooses to just throw himself through it. Just Kool-Aid man's his way through a wall in the temple. This of course gets him captured, because of course it does. Why leave and just get more people when you can try dumb personal heroics?
He's been captured by the Andorians who are convinced the Monastery is hiding a secret listening post. They were going to leave but now that Archer has caused some shit and he has a Vulcan officer, their leader Shran is more convinced than ever that something is there. The Andorians in this episode are violent, paranoid, violent again and also quite surprisingly, incredibly sexually repulsive in the behavior of one of them towards T'Pol. He makes at least one to three sexual threats against her while invading her personal space. Just absolutely gross to have a subordinate dude of the people we are eventually supposed to root for be a literal potential rapist. He constantly threatens sexual violence in every scene and its honestly disgusting as shit for a Star Trek show.
Oh right, the rest of the cast?
REED: The shuttle's sensors should have picked it up.
HOSHI: They went to visit some monks. Why would they scan for alien ships?
REED: It should be standard procedure, that's why. In any event, there it is.
TRAVIS: There what is?
REED: A vessel, not Vulcan, and it's less than one kilometer from our shuttlepod.
TRAVIS: Not a lot of room on that landing platform. Maybe they're just some other visitors.
REED: Well, I for one would like to know who these visitors are. And why haven't we heard from the landing party?
HOSHI: You can't expect them to check in every ten minutes.
REED: Maybe that should be standard procedure as well.
HOSHI: You sure you're not over-reacting? They're probably just taking a tour, observing some kind of meditation ritual.
*HARD CUT TO ARCHER GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM*
For the love of God, somebody listen to this guy at any point. If they had scanned, T'Pol would have seen that it was a Andorian ship! So Reed tries to raise the captain and Shran takes their communicator.
REED: Yes. I'm looking for Captain Archer.
SHRAN: He's a prisoner of the Andorian Imperial Guard. We know you're in collaboration with the Vulcans.
REED: Let me talk to the Captain.
SHRAN: Your ship is under constant surveillance. Arm your weapons or make any attempt to approach the surface and I'll kill the hostages.
Mmm, look at him actually trying to verify a situation. Anyway, everyone else is dumb as shit.
REED: Have the launch bay put shuttlepod two on standby.
TRAVIS: You heard what he said. If we try to send more people.
REED: I don't take orders from a comm voice, Ensign. Not unless that voice belongs to the Captain. Take a look at the Vulcan database. See if it has anything on these Andorians.
HOSHI: Aye, sir.
"Hey I want to be prepared in case things go to shit"
"NO, DON'T"
Anyway, the rest of the episode is basically just incredibly repetitive as Shran keeps having people beat up Archer, the one guy sexually menaces T'Pol, they threaten to use terror tactics against the Vulcans, etc. Eventually Reed gets a team down and they have a running gun battle through the catacombs and find a big metal hatch that when opened reveals, SHOCK OF SHOCKS, that the Vulcans are violating the peace treaty and have put an incredibly powerful spy station that can "tell what every Andorian eats for breakfast.". Though of course, the special effects shot has hundred of Vulcans just ignoring the running gun battle at their entrance and the literal enemy agents who have breached the security of the station. Poor pre-rendered bastards.
Archer makes a stunned and disturbed T'Pol take photos with her scanner and give it to Shran, who Archer lets go, despite Reed warning him that the Andorians according to all records they have are a militaristic, violent and expansionist power. Nothing they've done this episode builds any sympathy for them or gives us any other impression, what with the guy showing up on the sixes to threaten to rape T'Pol or talking about Pon Farr. Or the Andorians threatening to behead a guy in front of his friends. Anyway, one of the Vulcan monks who are all in on this shit puts a gun to Archers head and Archer easily overpowers him, throwing 30 years of canon right out the fucking window so Archer can talk about how great it feels to hit a Vulcan.
Shran leaves with the intel that Vulcan's have violated a peace treaty and Shran's like "Wow, thanks bro" and Archer goes "Thanks for the Tour" *SMUG FACE* at the Vulcans and bam, episode just fucking ends there. Archer has handed evidence of a major treaty violation to someone who is potentially an enemy of humanity because he hates being lied to but more importantly, hates Vulcans. T'Pol has now been forced into Light to Medium Treason.
Logically the Vulcans should just come by and murder Enterprise and the Andorians to avoid military intelligence and a potential cassus belli for a war that could kill an untold number of military personnel and civilians. What is one crew of dipshits and a shuttle pod worth of Andorians? The show can't even get them being assholes right. Star Trek TOS and DS9 had some incredibly dickish, cutthroat Vulcans, but they were way more believably dickish and absolutely more cutthroat when they needed or wanted to be. Spock's wife put him in a situation where he would either kill his best friend and want nothing to do with her, or be killed by his best friend, either way allowing her to get together with her sidepiece. Spock was just like "Damn bitch, that's cold. Nicely played on the logic of this betrayal." and she goes "Thanks".
Anyway, I'm sure the consequences of this will be immediate and- hang on I'm being handed a purely hypothetical piece of paper that says it will be next referenced 8 episodes from now despite the very next episode being about Vulcans. Huh.
Okay, so, to continue my earlier analogy of T'Pol as the babysitter of a bunch of asshat teenagers, Reed is apparently the one semi-responsible kid in the bunch?
It's a shame Shran gets introduced in this episode. Jeffrey Combs does give another great performance of the character I remember. Though that might be future episodes colouring my perception. But yeah Brannon and Braga really hate Vulcans for some reason. Really drives home how much of Tuvok being good was due to Tim Russ.
And you want to fuck with the guys trying to go through this process? You're going to destroy 5 years of some guys progress in controlling The Beast Within by rolling up with your cartoon stink line bodies and mocking his sacred beliefs and he will free that beast. You're going to suddenly start hearing the Doom soundtrack kick in as a Vulcan goes Slayer on your ass. He's going to tear you apart like he's low on health.
The sheer incongruity present in the image of a Vulcan, Star Trek's preeminent symbol of the enlightened and peaceful alien, as the central figure in a hyperviolent Doom-esque scenario is so absurd that I actually kind of want it as like a Lower Decks spinoff episode or something now.
The sheer incongruity present in the image of a Vulcan, Star Trek's preeminent symbol of the enlightened and peaceful alien, as the central figure in a hyperviolent Doom-esque scenario is so absurd that I actually kind of want it as like a Lower Decks spinoff episode or something now.
Let me tell you, watching the original Star Trek was a mistake because it does everything better 30 years earlier and they didn't even know where they were going with half that shit.
"That doctor guy's racism had potential, but it shouldn't have been limited to the occasional remark. Where were the impassioned rants about sinister alien conspiracies? And the series hardly did anything to show the audience that his racism was justified. Also, he should have been the captain." - what the creators of Enterprise took away from TOS, apparently.
As someone who hasn't rewatched this show since it went off the air, I'm honestly surprised at how bad it is (at least during the first season; I seem to recall that later seasons improved somewhat).
I suppose in a way I wanted Enterprise to be better, simply because Discovery and Picard were catastrophically awful that my knee-jerk reaction was to wonder if Enterprise were really as bad as people said it was.
Holy shit those episodes suck, even by early seasons Trek standards. The whole thing about the Kolinahr monestary acshually being a spying station reads like something that came out of an SB mil sci-fi quest. Having a critical outlook on the work you're writing can be beneficial, but if you hate Vulcans that much, maybe you shouldn't be writing for a Star Trek show.
And, like, I've seen Trekkies argue that Archer was "imperfect but well-meaning" or that he "stumbled so that future Starfleet captains could walk", but this man should not be in charge of a forklift, let alone humanity's most advanced starship.
Also, this is more of a minor nerd thing but I hate the NX-01. It's a slightly tweaked Akira-class from DS9 and the TNG movies with its back section upside down, which on top of being very low effort ruins the slender and intimidating vibe of the excellent original design.
Holy shit those episodes suck, even by early seasons Trek standards. The whole thing about the Kolinahr monestary acshually being a spying station reads like something that came out of an SB mil sci-fi quest. Having a critical outlook on the work you're writing can be beneficial, but if you hate Vulcans that much, maybe you shouldn't be writing for a Star Trek show.
And, like, I've seen Trekkies argue that Archer was "imperfect but well-meaning" or that he "stumbled so that future Starfleet captains could walk", but this man should not be in charge of a forklift, let alone humanity's most advanced starship.
Also, this is more of a minor nerd thing but I hate the NX-01. It's a slightly tweaked Akira-class from DS9 and the TNG movies with its back section upside down, which on top of being very low effort ruins the slender and intimidating vibe of the excellent original design.
Increasingly the number of X-COM Enterprise crossover fics I remember reading begin to make sense. I was always weirded out by how xenophobic they'd get, but now reconsidering the two materials being crossed it all comes together.
