8. Only In Memory May Anything Last
Lies come to your mind, some little and some large. Different risks for the graves, the people who made them, and you yourself. But you don't have the time to think about it all. You plunge forward with one of the smaller ones.
"These are evidence. They might have clues to who made them and why, if we read them. Maybe that can help us find them." You hate even just implying a plan to catch a person, much less a grieving survivor of your town, but you aren't really. That was already what you were brought here to do, and the 'evidence' couldn't help.
Fleshrender doesn't look impressed. "Who cares who made this little graveyard or why? We just need to catch them when they come back. Doesn't matter why they're in our territory, just that they were. Are you so stupid you don't get that?" He's sneering at you, but he doesn't look quite so angry, at least. Maybe you can press this.
"If they come back." Fleshrender narrows his eyes. That was a mistake. "If these are just graves for one or two families and friends, that might be the end of it for a while. They'll come back to visit eventually, but maybe not soon." He snarls, but you carry on talking before he can interject. "But if it's the start of trying to make a marker for everyone, this clearly isn't done. And so we can wait to ambush them." Other people than the creator could come, of course, but you don't say that. You just have to hope they won't. If he told anyone about his memorial, he must have mentioned you, and cautioned against any visits. "If we wreck the markers, it will be a warning that something is wrong. It's just not worth it."
"Um." Pepin clears his throat, and then continues, slightly hesitant. "And if we wreck them, that could also tip them off there's something here other than ghouls. The master really doesn't want that getting out." You manage not to wince. He glances towards you, and you smile a bit. It's a good point.
Fleshrender stomps his foot down, but in the dirt, not on a marker. He fully turns around. "Well, that won't matter once the person seeing what we did is dead, will it?"
You aren't sure what to say back to that. It seems Pepin isn't either. But Fleshrender did turn around. So maybe you'll suffer his ire instead of the graves, which is the only real success you could have hoped for. That probably wasn't what Pepin stuck his neck out for, though.
And then Bell speaks up. "No, but what will matter is that the master might want to see it."
Fleshrender snaps his gaze towards her. "He isn't going to find out!"
"Really?" Bell takes a step towards him, and then spreads her arms out. "When you suddenly left with all of us, after making such a fuss calling out to us? He's going to ask why, and then—"
"Then I'll blame your uselessness!" His eyes are wide, and he hunches forward slightly. "And then reassure him I fixed it. And he'll only know the rat was loose half a day, and not—"
"And when we don't find anything because I already told you I checked nobody was left here?" They're both tense and snarling at each other. You have no idea how Bell can stand challenging him like that. She has to know even more than you how dangerous he is, and she was the one who warned you about not trusting his restraint. What is she doing?
You have to butt in. "If you're going to lie to the master, just don't bring up the graves." That makes both of them look over to you, surprised. "Even if he visited, he wouldn't know this was new. It could have been set up by someone who avoided the ghouls, before they left. If you break them or bury them, that only risks drawing his attention, and it will be clear you tried to hide it." Fleshrender is glaring at you, but you think he's listening. And then you realize Bell is glaring at you, too. What, does she think this is real advice for him? "And, if he is told, he'd rather be able to see this. Like I said, this is evidence, whether you care or not."
Fleshrender suddenly smiles a disturbingly wide smile, while his eyes are narrowed almost to points. "Oh? You're going to tell him, are you?"
You grimace. "That's not what I—"
Fleshrender cuts you off, speaking up with whatever he passes off as authority behind his voice. "You aren't going to do anything I don't want." He finally flares his power again, and you can't help but flinch. "None of you are. You're just my playthings. You aren't supposed to cause problems. So..." He laughs that ugly rasp of his. Bell starts to back away. "How about I just kill all of you? Claim we were ambushed by some other mage, who tragically killed all of you before I got him? And that then I was so famished by the effort that I ate all the corpses before coming back to my senses? It won't even matter whether or not he believes me, I'll still get new toys that might be competent. Because I matter and all of you don't. So, what do you say?"
Your tongue feels like lead in your mouth. You've had to stand up to his power too many times today. You can't manage it again.
Nobody else can say anything. Even Bell is finally silent, her eyes downcast.
"Just what I thought!" He cackles, and stands there, gloating. Making a show of how effortlessly he has you cowed, how he really could follow through on his threat. He may as well have actual claws pointed at all of you. "Today it really seems I've let you cretins forget your place. Now fan out. We aren't leaving until we catch that rat and I get to gut it. Oh, except the tree. Since these graves are oh-so-important, you can stick here and study that evidence you were yapping about."
He stalks off, and finally his aura starts to ebb away. Everyone looks shaken. Pepin glances at you briefly, and you make yourself smile. Then you look towards Bell, who hesitantly nods. Sybil is just glancing down at the ground, while Bonecruncher is looking towards where Fleshrender went. After a few more moments, the spell breaks, and everyone heads off in different directions. Except you.
You're just standing before a makeshift graveyard.
That boy trudged all the way here and nearly died, just to leave a sign of memory and dedication. You helped save it, so it can stand for at least a little longer. But... These aren't memorials to strangers. They're to people you might have known. They were put here by someone you might have known. Who might have known you. Your friends could be named here. Your family could be named here. And you might not even be able to recognize it.
You could be named here. Could anyone recognize you now?
You shake your head. You aren't going to run away from your past, even if you're afraid to learn how little you might remember. This is a chance to take some back, however slight. If you do recognize names, remember people who must have fallen here... that will hurt. But you would much rather mourn the dead than not know them.
The first marker is made out to someone named Almer. Underneath reads Husband, Father, and Hero. The writing is small, but impressively neat for being scratched into old wood. Then Landon, Husband, Brother and Hero. Genevieve, Wife and Sister. Joseph, Husband and Hero. The names don't stir any memories, and the dedications are brief, few giving more than relations. The first two rows are mostly men marked down as heroes, and a couple others. You think it's probably people who fell in defense of the village. And next to some of them, their families that didn't make it. The last marker in the second row reads Celia, Curate and Hero.
You glance back at the husk of the sanctuary. You can remember it, at least a little. Standing there with your family, next to your neighbors. All singing songs. How did they go? You can hum a few melodies still, but can't recall the words. And those were the point. There were songs for the harvest. Songs for the dead. Songs for those who had been lost. Like you. And most of all, there were songs about the last day. You try to think of who would lead the songs, give the talks, and overall direct things. An old man. The curate. But not just him, also... a young woman. His daughter. She wasn't that much older than you. You can almost picture her face. You remember thinking she was pretty, at least. So that was Celia.
And she died saving people. Was she buying time for others, like you did? Or did she run off to join the men in the defense? You can't help but wonder, but feel a little guilty for that. You'll never know, and that isn't what matters. She saved people. You can only hope you managed the same. Even though it cost her everything.
You feel sorry for her. But she would feel sorry for you, wouldn't she? One of the lost, the hungry dead, wandering in vain instead of peacefully waiting for that last day. The day when everyone can be together again, forever. It's all you could ask for, isn't it? But you can't just sit and wait for it. Not yet.
You look back at the grave markers. Three rows of seven, and then one more. The third row is, you start to realize, probably the young man's late family, with more personal dedications. A mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a sister, and... Your heart starts to sink. You look over to the next marker, and immediately your eyes land on the letter Y.
Starting the name Yvette.
You can't help but laugh as that awful worry slips by you. That wasn't your family there in front of you. But... It is still someone's. His. Guilt wells up to replace the worry and relief. You hope putting all this up helped ease his grief.
You walk up to the last marker, set in what would be the center of a fourth row. It's a little larger than the others. And scratched onto it, not as neat as the others, is the phrase All the monsters stuck here. So he did memorialize you.
Most of the markers are blank on their other side, but this one has another phrase there. You'll find your rest off far away. It makes you frown. Even if you could leave here forever, you wouldn't want to. But you turn the phrase over in your mind. You've heard it before. Not quite one of the sanctuary songs, but a little chant. You speak it aloud, quietly, trying to sound out the rhythm to bring the words off your tongue. "You'll find your rest off far away, however long you've tarried." You look down at your hands, and your vision blurs as the rest of the words well up. "We'll be together by the last day, when all lay dead and buried."
It's so simple, but it has you in tears. One of the shortest poems in the book, not even meant as a song. But, those sorry days someone never came back from the bog... The days after a pack of ghouls attacked... Just every so often, when someone felt the need to mourn those lost strangers in the wastes... You all sang it anyways. You sang it. And now at least one person can sing it for you. That helps. That hurts.
And... You glance back at the sanctuary. You haven't often thought about the last day, have you? You really should. The curates would be so disappointed in you. Still... You're dead, and risen anew. But you have lost so much in that. When everyone has passed, and all the ghouls starved, and the wastes have claimed all the world... When everything is dead, and then the spectre of death is spent and gone, so everyone can rise anew... Will they lose as much as you have? Will you lose even more? Or will it all be perfect, as you must have always imagined it would be in life?
You touch your horn, and delicately trace one of its grooves. Whatever it is that's happened to you, the last day can't be like that. You certainly aren't free of death. So it shouldn't be cause to worry, or doubt. But it still doesn't rest easy with you.
You sigh. You will just hope, however vainly, for a reunion to come in this second chance.
He was being spiteful, but Fleshrender gave you the best task. Everyone else has to aimlessly search for someone who isn't here, but you just have to stay put. You feel a little bad about it. You were glad to get to read the grave markers, but... The thought of everyone, especially Fleshrender, picking about in your old home without any chance for you to see what they're doing is unnerving. What if he happens by chance to take his anger out on your house? But, no, that's not likely. There's no use in worrying about it.
The others are probably worrying, too. They have to know they aren't going to find anyone. Fleshrender can't seriously intend to follow through on his threat whenever that finally sinks in for him, too. Can he? Even then, you aren't looking forward to him having one last outburst today.
At least you can sit in the partial shelter of some shade for now.
You notice someone moving in your peripheral, and you're startled, but then see that it's Bell. You stand up for appearance's sake anyways. She's heading in your direction, so you offer a wave, which she doesn't return. She all but stomps over towards you, face knitted up in frustration. It can't be directed at you. So you smile. "Hello, Bell."
She nods, and then steps right next to you to sit down in the shade. She brushes her black bangs out of her face.
You just look down at her in surprise for a couple moments. "Bell, are you alright?"
She nods. "I want to talk."
"Alright. I doubt Fleshrender would appreciate that, but that's not going to stop me." He hasn't come back your way so far, after all.
"And I am entirely too angry and hungry to care." You nod, sympathetically.
"I'm sorry about that. It's ridiculous. And really isn't fair to you, especially." She had to do that run twice, after having walked out here once before that.
She looks up at you, squinting. "Are you seeing what I mean about Fleshrender?"
"And then some." You slide back down to a sitting position, so she doesn't have to look up as much. "He threatened to kill me, today. Outside of when he threatened all of us, I mean. Apparently he thinks I'm boring."
Bell snickers. "That doesn't sound too bad. Not having his attention."
"He said he wants to break me because that's the only way I'll be fun. He tried to goad me into attacking him so he would have an excuse."
Bell looks worried to hear this, her green eyes open quite wide. She recomposes herself after a moment, but it's more than a little foreboding. Is he... actually not going to stop trying to make you miserable? "Sorry." Bell sighs, and then gives a wry smile. "You have a knack for making me rethink that offer I gave you, you know."
Despite everything, that gets a smile out of you. "I suppose I do. Though... Are you seeing what I mean about the others? I've only really talked to them since today, but earlier, Pepin backed me up. Before then, Bonecruncher stuck his neck out for us."
Bell shakes her head. "Okay, Pepin surprised me. But Bonecruncher wasn't doing that for the rest of us. It was for the sake of the rules."
You frown. He had said they couldn't all leave together, so that could be it. But... "That still doesn't sound like how you described him to me last night."
Bell looks slightly surprised for a moment, and then grinds her teeth. Still upset, then. Then she sighs. "Okay, fine. I'll admit, I don't get him. But he..." She looks away for a few seconds, but whatever she's trying to grasp for doesn't come. "Just trust me. I know he isn't on our side."
She looks honest. But she did last night, too. Then you cant your head. "Wait, Bell, what is that supposed to mean, exactly? Do you think we have a side?"
Bell looks at you with sudden frustration. "Yes, we do. Even if you want to be on everyone's side, it doesn't mean they'll be on yours. But I guess I am, and you should be glad for that because it's why I'm not going to sell you out."
Your eyes widen, and your stomach sinks. What is she saying? She can't, she can't know. "What do you mean?" You swallow, and then try to keep talking. "That Fleshrender just forgot I was who went on patrol yesterday? Because he didn't, actually, or at least remembered this morning." You really, really hope that's all that is. And... Why is Bell bringing up blackmail to convince you she's on your side, whatever that is?
Bell furrows her brows, and then glances around. Nobody is watching, of course. Still, she drops her voice to a whisper. "I know you know what happened here. Yesterday, you found our little gravemaker."
You shake your head. You want to actually deny it, but the words die in your throat.
"You were in a fight. A tip? Bark isn't a great thing to try and hide a bloodstain with."
You look at her with a mix of fear and genuine confusion when it finally sinks in. You hadn't fixed the knot in your back, you had only bothered with the one in front. And she noticed? And figured this out? What can you possibly say?
"You broke the rules and so tried to keep it quiet." Bell almost hisses, and then sighs. "You... really can't do that, Ythona." Whatever accusative edge was in her voice fell away. "If you get in a fight, you should be honest. Maybe telling Fleshrender doesn't do much good, but unless you have a better channel to get back to the master. But... Ugh, sorry, this is not how I should have said this." She rubs at her forehead for a second. "Because I really, really meant what I said earlier. I am on your side. I'm not going to be unfair about something like this."
You just sit there staring blankly. She... isn't upset with you? She doesn't care that you shirked your one duty and let someone run off, knowing that you exist? You had her priorities all wrong. Does she really... not care about the master's goal, either?
"I mean, killing someone you were supposed to catch happens. And then afterwards, giving in to instincts and eating... I can't blame you for that. Especially not a natural still settling in, like you. Is that how you lasted three whole years out here?"
You don't know what to say. You don't think you can say anything. You just stare in horror.
Bell's eyes widen. "Sorry, I am being so stupid, I... You regret it, don't you? And that's why you wanted to save the graves? I'm sorry for rubbing it in." She sets a hand on your shoulder.
She thinks you're a murderous cannibal. And she put a hand on your shoulder anyways. And you think, if you tell her you're not, she'll take it away.
You swallow, and swallow, and swallow, and finally you think you can force words out, but... What?
[] Accept it. It's the safest lie you could tell, and she already believes it. And it's an olive branch. It's a chance to put trust in each other, even in a fraught way, and you need that. Maybe it will let you trust her with what you actually did here, eventually.
[] Deny it. She's wrong. That's not what happened. You can honestly say that. You want to trust Bell, but you can't. You can't let her hold something like this over you. You know you can't build anything lasting on lies, but you can't be honest here, either. If it burns the bridge now, well, that will spare you both in the future.
[] Correct her. You can't stand being thought of this way. You've never eaten anyone, never killed anyone. You want Bell to know this. You need her to. You'll dodge the question of what actually happened, or think up a lie to explain your silence as an act of fear, the person's escape a simple failure. But you have to do your best to make that much clear.
[] Tell the whole truth. It's stupid. You know it's stupid. It will make her hurt you. Maybe she'll even tell Fleshrender and give him that excuse he's looking for. But you can't stand this. You can't sit here in the ruins of your old life and watch your new life threaten to tear it apart and stay silent. Maybe she'll understand, maybe she won't, but you can't handle having nobody who even knows.
