10. What Thirsts Remembrance May Slake
You need to act. Again. You won't make the mistake of trying to argue with Fleshrender this time. You have an idea of how to upset him, and that's what you'll do. Even if he doesn't back down this time, it will take his attention off Bell, and that's worth something.
You'll put yourself in danger before anyone else. It's the right thing to do. It would be even if you weren't the likeliest to recover from it.
You take in a deep breath, and puff yourself out a little. "Did what I say earlier really bother you this much?" It gets his eyes back on you.
"What? You think this is about you?" He laughs. "I don't even remember what your prattle about the graves was. All I care about is all of you knowing your place." He slowly grins. It's just a show, but it's still unnerving. "But you don't, do you? Should have kept your mouth shut, Bell almost saved you."
Bell looks at you with sudden horror in her eyes, but doesn't speak. You're glad. This part needs to just be you.
"You don't know your place either." He scowls, but it's plain on his face he doesn't understand. "Are you trying to hide this from the master to feel less like his lapdog?"
His face contorts in fury, and his eyes bore into yours. He's showing all his teeth, and it's not an empty threat. He wants to kill you. You have to twist the knife further.
"Did I really hurt your pride so much this morning?" The words feel so hollow on your tongue, but you don't let that stray into your voice. "Is that it, you're throwing a day-long tantrum? Because this isn't what you should be doing. You should march us all back right now, to report this to the master. Leave us as an actual guard at the entrance. You're breaking rules and you know it. So you're scared what your master will do to you. It's not going to get better if you keep him waiting."
His response is to wordlessly snarl and take a step towards you. In your peripheral you see Bell move out of sight, but you can't take your eyes off his. His power sheds off him in waves, rolling out to encompass you on all sides. You ball your hands into fists, poking your claws hard into your palms to take your mind off the illusory feeling of his. He takes another step towards you, and you're within arm's reach. You can't falter here.
You snarl back at him. "You're weak! And that means you serve. You know that, just get over it already!"
He stares at you with spite and violence and loathing shining in his eyes. It's almost physically coiled around you. It's too much. It's overwhelming, suddenly too much to bear. Your tongue is too heavy to lift. You're still as a statue. It's all you can do to meet his eyes defiantly, and even that feels like trying to outstare the sun.
You can't even focus on the sunlight threatening to boil under your skin, or the ghost of his claws pointed at you, the threat of him right there with more than enough malice and power to kill you, it's more. It feels like he is trying to crush you with his presence alone.
Not crush. Crack.
Your finger twitches. Your whole right hand spasms. You strangle a whimper and instead out comes a growl.
You reach out with your mind around you, spending as much power as it takes just to ease the pressure. You can't keep this up forever. But he can, can't he?
And then suddenly his power recedes, and he looks off to the side. You can't help but deflate a little, relaxing with the sudden absence of pressure.
And then his hand is around your throat. You gasp in shock, cut off midway when his grip tightens. He lifts you up like you're nothing, and your hands scramble to lever his off you. You can't budge him, and then force yourself to stop. You can barely still manage to breathe, eyes wide. You could kick him, but that would just seal your fate. Could you heal through it if he just crushes your throat in his grip? If he strangles you? You don't think so. You aren't ready to go, but... At least Bell can run away. At least you saved that mourner. At least you spoke a couple times. You start crying, or maybe it's only now you notice.
You manage to look down towards Fleshrender, and the anger is gone. His mouth is closed, curled into a scowl. He's looking at you like you're a bug.
He squeezes your throat tighter and cuts off your air. You desperately scrabble at his hand, and then give up. You force yourself to go limp. You try to stay still, to let your last half breath hold you as long as it can. Your mind is racing, trying to think of something, but this is all you can do. If you can just last longer than he thinks you can, maybe he'll finish while you're still clinging on. Your lungs start to burn, and your chest is straining to gasp out, gasp in. Your eyes are closed, you hear something but can't think straight to tell what it was. You can't keep still any longer, you can't, something is about to give—
You hit the ground hard, the impact to your back emptying your lungs and leaving you agonizingly unable to breathe back in for a few torturous moments more. You finally manage to suck in something past the pain, and it floods you with relief, and, and... The feeling of your power, spread throughout you, everywhere under your skin, the rush of warmth to freezing hands once back inside. And then the hunger follows, a chasm you could almost fall into, but no you need to focus. You blink open your bleary eyes to look at Fleshrender. But he isn't looking at you.
Bell is there, right next to him. She's too close. She still looks ready to snap. You really screwed up. "Leave! Get the others and take us back already! Touch her again and you'll have to kill me, because I'll tell."
"Why not? I don't need you." You can't see his face from this angle. You're glad for that.
Bell spreads out her arms. "And the master is going to care you think that? He's just going to accept whatever excuse you come up with to explain why you killed two of his troops, on top of everything else you've done wrong today? You dropped her because you know I'm right. You grabbed her in the first place because you knew she's right. Cut your losses already!"
You just stare helplessly at them until Fleshrender finally stalks off towards the village. You let out a sigh of relief as Bell rushes over to you.
"Ythona!" Her voice is a worried hiss. "Are you okay?"
You sit up a little and rub at your neck. It still hurts, but probably not nearly as much as it should. "Yeah." You cough, and take a deep breath to fill your lungs. You sit up the rest of the way, and then flinch when Bell almost shoves her face in yours.
"Are you sure? I can—"
You can't help but smile. It's not appropriate, but you can't hold it back. "I'm sure. It, it means a lot you're so concerned. But I healed."
Bell furrows her brows, and stares at your neck intently for a moment before pulling back. She holds out a hand, and you take it. You don't need help standing up, but you aren't turning it down, as she helps pull you up. You keep your hand on hers. You take a breath, and realize your heart is beating fast, your stomach is screaming with need, the heat of sunlight is all but burning under your skin, and you can hardly care. You're still alive. Bell's hand feels cool in yours. You're as alive as you can be.
"You would have died, you know."
"I know." It doesn't sound right, coming off your tongue. Like you aren't accepting it. But in the moment...
"What were you thinking?" There's anger in her voice, and on her face. Her eyes stare into yours, and you break, looking away. You don't want to think about how much the tears on her cheeks are your fault.
"I was thinking I had to say something, and he wouldn't listen to an argument. But when I said something like that earlier today, it made him back off. I thought..."
Bell sighs. "That was a stupid gamble. You shouldn't try to test his boundaries, you barely know him." She squeezes your hand in hers. "You should have let me do the talking."
You're quiet for a moment, and then look Bell in the eyes again. You'll just be honest. "You looked like you were going to snap after he mentioned... that history. I was worried he was going to end up hurting you. So I thought I should risk myself instead, take his attention away, and... Well, that was still the best idea I had. It was a mistake, but that's why I made it. I would rather see myself in danger than someone else." You try to force a grin. "Thank you for saving my life."
Bell's eyes widen, and then she looks away. "I didn't. Not really. I think he was still just angry, and hurting you didn't help, so he... gave up. I hope I got him to quit earlier. That I did something. But I didn't save you. I..." She looks back towards you, her expression flat. "How did you stay so still?"
You shrug. "I think I was about to crack if it had lasted any longer. And if I had, he would have..." You shut your mouth and squeeze her hand.
Then she pulls her hand away. That bothers you for a moment, and then you feel Fleshrender's power coming closer. It makes you shudder, even though he isn't flaring it. You turn, and he's coming with the others.
He worldlessly marches past you, and so do the others. You fall in line after Pepin, and Bell goes behind you. Everyone else is silent, and you aren't going to be the one to break the silence. You just want to get away from Fleshrender. At least you aren't being forced to run this time.
The silent company doesn't make the bog much less miserable to head home through, but it does help some. It's certainly better than being saddled with ghouls on the way. Still, it leaves you without much to focus on but the hunger and nasty memories, either from years ago or earlier today. You want to get away from Fleshrender. You want to be home. You want to cook food with everyone. You want to eat food with everyone, oh so very much. So you just need to keep walking. And you do.
When you can finally see the tower of home in the distance, Fleshrender suddenly stops, and the rest of you follow suit. He turns around, a nasty grin on his face. "Because you all were so useless today, you aren't getting food tonight. Better not let it happen again, eh?"
And then he turns back around and starts walking with a spring in his step, as you and everyone else involuntarily groan.
You can see your home, and it's still difficult to bother to put one foot in front of the other. Of course he did that on purpose. But you all still keep going, anyways. It isn't that far away.
You're almost there, staring into the gash in the ground that hides away your home, in the shade of that arrogant tower. It's not empty. There's a row of ghouls, standing stock-still, eerily regularly arrayed. Another standing behind that. Fleshrender stopped at the sight of them and you don't want to go ahead of him.
There's a power spreading out from the mouth of the cave. You didn't notice it at first, but now that you have, you can't take your attention off it. It isn't spilling out of the cave in waves, it's more haphazard. It seems like it's limbs reaching out, or strands flitting about in the breeze, all stretching out from the haze hanging over the cave itself. You can't tell what the source is, it's just blanketing the area. It doesn't feel right, like it's a pale imitation of a wight's presence, but it's more pervasive than you could possibly manage. It feels wrong. It feels sickly. It feels familiar.
Then the two lines of ghouls part, and a wight steps through. They stop in the middle of the front row.
"Fleshrender. You'll report to the master."
Of course Fleshrender snarls at that. "You don't order me around." But he stalks into the cave all the same, needlessly shoving a ghoul as he does so. You can only hope the master keeps him out of your hair for a while.
Then the wight turns to you and the others. Her expression is hard to read. Everything about her is hard to read. She doesn't even look familiar, even though you know you've felt this power before, just yesterday. You don't remember very sharply, but it was someone who almost blended into a crowd of ghouls, but something about her sticks out. Maybe it's her muscular build, or the cast of her face, or her very short hair. Maybe it's just that you have a better look, now. Her eyes pass over you, and they seem disturbingly vacant. That seems more familiar.
"All of Fleshrender's subordinates returned. Good. Come in and collect your rations, then return to your normal posts until informed otherwise."
And with that she turns on her heel and heads back into the cave. You glance at the others and then back to Bell, and they're doing the same. Fleshrender is gone, and you are all getting rations after all. You should all be more relieved than you are. More or less as one, you head into the cave, past the ghouls who again part to let you by. A little further in there's a row of five, each holding a bag of rations. You all take one in turn.
The wight is already gone further in and out of sight. The power still suffuses the chamber, but it's not too oppressive even when it surrounds you. Still, you don't regret hurrying away with the others, at all. It's not that long before you get away from its influence.
You all make your way to the usual common area. Your stomach is screaming at you to tear open the bag and scarf down the meat inside. Everyone's must be. You can hold on, but... "Oh, everyone." You clear your throat. "I can still cook, if everyone can wait for me to get the stuff."
Bonecruncher is the first to reply. "Ythona, in light of today, I think I speak for everyone when I say today is not the day to try this."
Anger flashes in you. What is he talking about, he wasn't the one who almost got murdered. But it doesn't last, because that isn't fair. Putting up with Fleshrender today hasn't been easy for any of you. It makes sense. It's just disappointing.
It's quiet for a few seconds, and then Pepin speaks up. "I would still like to have cooked food. If that's... okay?"
You smile. "That's fine. I'd be more than happy to. I'm definitely cooking my own food tonight too, anyways."
Bell sighs at length behind you. "I really don't want to wait. So you better make that worth it, Ythona."
Sybil shakes her head.
You nod. "Okay. Sure. Bonecruncher, Sybil, if you want, I could cook some of your meat with the others' and you eat the rest now. It's up to you. Now I have to get my stuff, and... Can someone hold this for me?"
Bell takes your bag of meat off you, rolling her eyes. "Because I wasn't tempted enough already." You laugh, and then leave to head to your room.
Now would be a nasty time to get lost. You're careful not to make a wrong turn, and it's very obvious when you're coming to your destination. Even if you didn't recognize your room, the half-curtains are unmistakable. You sigh.
You have enough kindling to start another fire, but you'll have to find more for tomorrow. You have a better stock of wood to keep one going that you've started. You'll need the plate, you wish you had more than one, and the fork—if you can call the piece of wood you shaped with your claws a fork. You glance at your roasting spit, but then grab the pan instead, with the two little jars resting on it. You found them in a larder in another ruin, abandoned more recently. Stolen from someone you never met. You pick up the poker, and that makes you feel better. That's something that's truly yours.
You shake those thoughts out of your head and focus on cooking. It's ironic. Your usual rations are more meat than you almost ever had to make a meal for your whole family. And now you're going to have three times that, more if Bonecruncher and Sybil save some. But that's all you have. What you wouldn't do for some bread. Or potatoes, onions, celery, something to help make a proper stew. But it would probably be better to start just with the meat, anyways.
You get back to the others. Bell and Pepin are sitting at the table with their unopened bags of meat. Bonecruncher and Sybil are sitting against the wall, having already eaten. You're ready to set things down and set them up when the thought occurs. Dealing with smoke inside when you're starving and alone in an empty room is one thing. In your usual room, around others, cooking three times as much, trying to make this appealing? "Sorry." Bell and Pepin look at you. "We should probably do this outside."
There's a chorus of groans, but Bell and Pepin get up to follow you. Bonecruncher and Sybil get to their feet, too. At least there's that. You try to shove down the urge to kick yourself. You should have planned this, but there would be no good in giving up now.
There's no trace of that strange wight's power anymore. That's a relief, but it does mean every ghoul anywhere near tries to wander towards you, lured by the meat as much as your presence. You take responsibility for reaching out and shoving them away, even as each time stirs the hunger in your core more. It's a good thing you aren't carrying the meat yourself, that you're walking in front and don't have to look at it, only deal with the tempting smell of it. It shouldn't be tempting. Room temperature raw meat shouldn't be appetizing.
Finally, you're near the mouth of the cave, and can take a breath of fresh air. It helps a little. You're still mostly in the safety of shade, but the smoke has somewhere to go. You don't waste much time setting everything up and getting a small fire going. You set up the pan to heat it, and from one of the jars you pour out a bit of oil, just enough to coat the pan. You're lucky you found it. You're even luckier it had still kept. It will be a tragic day when it finally spoils, or starts to smoke because you've reused it too often. But that's not today.
Behind you, Bell almost whines. "Ythona. What are you doing? And how much longer am I going to have to wait here, unfed, while you do it?" It's clear she's joking, but you think you can hear some actual annoyance. You can't blame her.
"Just a little longer. Here, give me one of the pieces of meat. Preferably a smaller one, that'll be faster. You too, Pepin."
They open up their bags and hand them over to drop in the pan. Venison again. This isn't the best way to cook it, but it will do, especially if you don't get it too hot. From the other jar you take a sprinkle of salt. It would be better to use more, but you're going to run out of it eventually. You keep track of which piece is which, although you're sure Bell and Pepin are doing the same, as they stare intently. And impatiently.
You're getting impatient. The sight of the meat cooking, the smell of it... Hunger squirms inside you. You want to pluck the morsels out of the hot pan and scarf them down, especially when you flip them to see the cooked sides. Even the thought of burning your fingers and tongue on them is making your stomach scream louder, instead of helping quell it. But you can hold yourself back. You can. You're used to it. An impression floats to mind, of people clustering around you as you cooked before. You're used to eating last.
And then finally the pieces of meat look more or less done and you move them over to the plate. You say "They're hot." and it's not fast enough to stop Bell from grabbing hers and recoiling. You laugh, and she growls at you with surprising intensity before grabbing it again and this time it makes it to her mouth. It certainly looks like she enjoys it, and suddenly you realize that's a relief. If you had been the only one...
Bell licks her lips, and then grins wide. "Okay, that was good. Hot meat is good. Like it's impossibly fresh. And either this was a delicious deer or you're right about the taste. I think you've won me over." Bell takes another piece from her bag and plops it down for you to cook.
Pepin lets his cool off a bit before he takes it, which you suppose is wisdom borne from experience. And then he starts crying.
Oh.
He recovers soon enough, though, and gives you a big smile. And another piece to cook.
You look over to Sybil and Bonecruncher. "Did you save anything for me to cook?"
They did. Sybil a small piece, and Bonecruncher what looks more like half of one. That proves a little more finicky, but you think you cook it well.
Bonecruncher smiles and gives you a nod, while Sybil's face lights up. Then she looks away, and you don't pry.
You let yourself relax as you finish cooking the rations for Bell and Pepin. It's nice to feel like you belong. To finally not have to worry today. Everyone is fairly quiet. They're just watching you, when not eating. Eventually, Bonecruncher says something and heads off, and Sybil doesn't stick around much longer.
Finally, you can start cooking your own meal. You reach into the salt jar, and it occurs to you it's not going to last much longer. It would be a while, but a third that... A fifth that... You'll fret later. You let yourself have the usual amount, like everyone else.
When you can finally, finally eat, you're glad for that. You cook all your rations and put out the fire before starting to eat, and then let yourself savor it all at once.
Then you get ready to pick up after yourself when Bell pokes you in the shoulder. She's smiling at you, but it fades. She looks tired. "Thanks, Ythona. For this, and for earlier." You nod, and then she's all smiles again. "I'm going to lie down and digest all of this. Bye!"
"Bye, Bell. Good night!"
You and Pepin watch her leave, and then he turns towards you. He makes a face like he's about to say something, and then shuts his mouth. You can see him gulp. And then he speaks up in a conspiratorial whisper. "I thought I was the only person here."
You blink. It takes you a second to understand what he means, and when it clicks, it doesn't sit right with you. "Pepin, we're all people."
He looks down for a few seconds before answering. "I wish I could believe that. Really believe it. Not just know it's true, but be able to count on it." He sighs, and then meets your eyes again. "They aren't like us. I'm surprised they went along with this much."
You frown. You don't want to think of yourself as different from them. You know they're all people, even if they remember less than you do. You just want to be together. Like you all were just now. "But they did go along with it. This doesn't have to be a one-off thing."
"Obviously." Pepin purses his lips. "You offered to do this everyday."
You tilt your head for a second, and then it hits you. "Oh, no, I. I mean, cooking together, this doesn't have to be the only thing like this. We can do more. I have the impression things aren't usually very friendly."
Pepin shakes his head. "No. Not really. And that..." He looks away. "That's not the point. Not really." He looks back toward you, but shies away from eye contact. "Sybil never talks about when she was alive, even when I ask. Bonecruncher says he remembers a lot of it but never shares that, just talks about how we have to move on. Bell says she doesn't have anything, and I believe her. They're all... monsters. Like everything here. Like me." He grits his teeth.
"Pepin." You try to keep your voice soft. "You aren't a monster. I promise."
"I am!" He almost spits it at you. "I just don't want to be. But that's a world of difference, because they do want to be. They're all happy to be here, hiding underground, surrounded by ghouls. Their only problems are with having Fleshrender in charge of them. They don't want to hang on to humanity. They'll actually willing to kill people and can just keep living with—"
Pepin's eyes widen in shock, and he looks frozen in place. He realized just what he said a moment before you do.
He's looking at you with horror in his eyes because of what could happen to him. What you could make happen to him.
[] Confess. You can't hold your tongue this time. This is someone else who understands, he has to. You can be honest, about everything. All you have to do is trust him with a potentially lethal secret, now that you've overheard one of his. And desperately hope you aren't misjudging what he just let slip. But you can't be, can you?
[] Swear your silence. You want to open up to Pepin, but you can't. You don't know him yet. You don't understand his mindset. You can't trust him with that, not yet. You can't saddle him with having to keep your deadly secret on top of his own. If he screwed up like this about you... But you won't throw him to the wolves. You can promise him that, and hope whatever trust you've earned so far is enough for him to believe it.
[] Give him an out. You can't pretend you just didn't notice, but you can feign having the wrong idea. That you think he was admitting to fear the others would be willing to murder each other, or him. That you could sympathize because Fleshrender actually tried to strangle you to death, earlier. And hopefully that will take his mind off his slip and keep the worry from eating him alive.
