Sasha
Not the Leader
- Location
- The Ever After
Good chapter, @EarthScorpion. It was nice to get some insight into Victoria's mind.
The only thing that seemed weird was this:
Is this just a result of Victoria being an unreliable narrator, or is fear gas really used by riot police?
The only thing that seemed weird was this:
I can totally see fear gas being a thing, but does it really make sense to have it be standard issue equipment for riot control? I would think that adding chemically-induced fear to a crowd of people would be counter-productive. It really sounds like the exact opposite thing a cop should do in any situation.Even her fear aura could be replicated by standard issue fear gas and even riot cops got that.
Is this just a result of Victoria being an unreliable narrator, or is fear gas really used by riot police?
Change to 'have'.Victoria loved her sister dearly and told her as much, especially whenever it looked like she was dwelling on being adopted, but she did had a tendency to whine.
Not sure on this one, but is the period necessary when you have the exclamation mark?China clinked as she put down her cup of green tea – 'rich in antioxidants!'.
Change to 'as'.She wore her scars with pride – most prominently the long burn down her right arm, a gift from the Behemoth – but medical technology had left them little more than superficial marks she had chosen to retain of keepsakes of friends who hadn't made it.
There should not be a comma between two elements of a compound predicate.
Change to 'say'.At least hear what he had to see and whether he had a good reason.
I'm fairly certain that should be changed to 'wife'.