Necromania's Greatest Hits
The commercials came to their end, bringing the TV back to its prime programming. Standing in a studio next to an oversized monitor was a stocky Sschub in a plain-spoken but highly professional suit, the long weaves of the hair that covered the whole of his body a bold shade of dark browns. At the bottom of the screen, an overlay provides a reminder of his name for those who had somehow either forgotten or were just tuning in for the very first time - Olaf Snocone
"And welcome back to
Necromania's Greatest Hits, the only show authorized to bring you all the greatest action from the one, the only, the Necromania Take-A-Wish Challenge."
The Sschub host spoke with a deep voice of unusual presence and authority, as if he could monologue about the most boring things in existence and still find a way to make them interesting.
"As we reach the conclusion of tonights episode, we finally bring you the replay you've all been waiting for."
The screen to the side provided a graphic that was itself graphic, showing the outline of a Torusan with a pile of bones and internal bits scattered about. A title - "The Inside Story" - lay over the mess of a display.
"In the months since it began, the Necromania Take-A-Wish Challenge has taken the Wugant Sector by storm, and quite possibly the galaxy at large as well. We've already seen scores of ill-fated challengers meet their brutal ends at the hands of our Dark Lord and Master, the Dread King Necromania. But to date, perhaps none have put the 'blood' in 'Blood Planet Omegadeth' like our next video."
"For anyone watching at home who is squeamish, I ask both why you're watching this show in the first place and also what is wrong with you."
The screen cut to an infographic display where on the one half was an action shot of a Torusan, a name plate of "Tumbleweed" below the image. The other half was a box filled with supposed factoids, though it was impossible to tell which were true and which were made up for dramatic or comedic effect, such as the line at the bottom of 'Last Meal: Probably Chow Mein Stew'.
"Our latest victim is a Torusan named Tumbleweed." Olaf narrated over the display. "And he's about to learn why you should always watch where you step."
After a few brief moments, the video cut to Omegadeth itself. The camera moved around a bit, as if searching for something, then after a brief view of Necromania's castle of skull and bones, it panned up high into the sky. There, something fell from the sky, likely dropped from a ship that was soaring away and out of view.
"Necromania!" The falling object shouted as it sped toward the castle. The camera zoomed in, and it became clear that the falling object was a Torusan. As he neared the top of the castle, jet boosters fired that slowed down his speed, then burst away in various directions, letting the Torusan safely land on the highest point of the Dark Tyrant's castle. After a moment to let a heroic landing sink in, the Torusan took a triumphant pose.
"Your vanquisher has arrived!" The Torusan declared. "It is I, Tumbleweed! Let the galaxy hear my name, for it is soon destined to go down in the annals of history!"
Tumbleweed hopped about atop the castle, almost as if putting on some kind of acrobatics display. A litany of shouts and grunts came as the small adorable alien lunged about.
Then, the view cut to a new camera that showed Necromania himself approaching.
"When I called for challengers, I don't recall saying anything about landing on my house." Necromania said. It was hard to tell if he was more amused by the audacity on display or annoyed that his castle was now being practically danced on by what he well expected to be another disappointing challenger.
"Ah-ha!" Tumbleweed shouted, turning toward Necromania and taking a pre-combat pose. "At last, you stand before me, where your last moments begin!"
"You have my attention." Necromania said. "And that attention comes with great expectations. Fail to meet them, and I'll have you wishing for the same quick and boring deaths I gave those came before you."
Tumbleweed shouted a battle cry, then lunged at Necromania. Already, he'd lasted longer than most those who had already failed in their own challenges. Several more bounds followed as Tumbleweed leapt about, moving with impressive speed and creating the impression that the Torusan might actually provide a challenge, if not somehow find a way to win.
However, it didn't take long before it became clear to anyone watching that the only reason Tumbleweed was still alive was because Necromania willed it. Whether to draw out the eventual humiliation of Tumbleweed's defeat, because the display somehow amused Necromania, or for some reason known only to the Dark Tyrant himself, it was clear that Tumbleweed only lived because Necromania was
toying with him.
Anyone watching who hadn't picked up on it already had the fact slapped in the face when Necromania reached out and grabbed Tumbleweed by the throat.
It was there that the screen paused for a moment, a close-up shot of Necromania holding Tumbleweed in a death grip, the Torusan's eyes bulging wide. The moment was punctuated by new narration from Olaf Snocone.
"I'm not a mind reader, but in this moment, even I can tell what's going through Tumbleweed's head." Olaf narrated. "I believe they're words to the effect of 'I've made a terrible mistake'."
The video resumed playing, allowing the display of the highlight. A few brief moments of panicked action followed from Tumbleweed as the Torusan tried to correct his mistake and avoid having everything be rendered moot.
It was likewise clear that those few moments only happened because Necromania was again toying with Tumbleweed before the Dread King near literally turned Tumbleweed inside out.
The video showed the moment in all its gruesome glory, all the way till Necromania finally tossed Tumbleweed's bloody remains aside to a pair of waiting zombie warriors.
"And now let's see it again." Olaf narrated. The entire video rewound to the beginning, then played all the way through again, this time without the pause or narration. The rest of the segment continued in kind, including highlighting particular moments of Necromania turning Tumbleweed's death into a moment and slow-motion replays.
Finally, at last, the video made its way to the end.
"At least he made it interesting this time." Necromania said, then he turned to one of the cameras. The video cut to the feed of Necromania facing the camera head on.
"If only he'd made it interesting by actually being a challenge." Necromania said. "Still waiting!"
There was an undertone of boredom and being unimpressed that underscored the final two words before turning and wandering off, muttering something to the zombie attendants holding Tumbleweeds remains. Debate would rage in some circles for weeks about what exactly Necromania said. Most concluded it was something about Necromania turning Tumbleweed's remains into something, though what exactly nobody was quite sure.
Then, the video faded to black before cutting back to the studio with Olaf on display.
"As are we all." Olaf said to the camera. "But until that day, I'm sure we'll all continue to enjoy watching the Dread King Necromania put all the wannabe upstarts in their place."
"Until next time, this has been
Necromania's Greatest Hits."
The camera pulled back and faded as credits rolled, which were soon joined by a promo reel for the next show in the nightly lineup.
Though really, it was easy to pity whatever program had the duty of having to follow up a show like
that.
